Demistress,

You are attracted to what you are; thus, you are just as emotionally unavailable as the men you are attracted to. Like you said "I seem to have become addicted to painful relationships that leave me empty", Your emptiness is emotional unavailability. You are not ready to love until this void is filled by you. Moreover, it cannot be filled through relationships with other men (available or not). Look in the mirror, look deep within, find the source of your emptiness and slowly work your way into understanding and loving who you are as an individual and as a woman. Take sometime to yourself, DO NOT CONTACT any of the unavailable men that you have been dealing with (they'll probably try to contact you more regularly than usual because you are unavailable, but be strong and resist the urge to respond--the key is to STOP/AVOID SEEKING VALIDATION THROUGH THESE MEN---they have NOTHING to offer you, but CRUMBS of their LOVE/ LUST).Remember my dear, if you have a bad relationship with yourself, you'll have bad relationships with others. Good luck.

Rominiyi,

When I initially responded to your question, I didn't have all the pieces of your predicament. After reading all of your posts, I correspond with your decision to leave him. He has clearly and consciously chosen to step outside of your marriage and bare a child with the other woman. You've tried your best to save the marriage even after his acts of adultery. I'm glad you are taking time for a trip so you can clear your head. Nothing comes before self-happiness, so all the best, good luck.

Rominiyi,

Wake up and smell the coffee woman. You are looking at your marriage and your past relationship through rose-colored glasses. In other words, you are in DENIAL. The issue here is not your EX or your HUSBAND. The issue here is YOU.

You are not as EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE as you think you are. As a matter of fact, you are far from it. Here's why---

1. So your husband did 'things' to you and has been doing 'things' to you for quiet sometime, but you've been going back to him to try to work things out---good for you, I applaud you for trying, but the truth is you haven't done the most important thing of all---YOU haven't TRULY FORGIVEN him. This is the reason why you are running to your ex for emotional support. Moreover, if it is that YOU are ALWAYS the one that tries to work things out with your husband, then you may also be in DENIAL in regards to your marriage. Have there been times when YOUR HUSBAND ran back to you to try to work things out or has it always been your attempt to?

2. Before new tenants (your ex) move into your home (marriage), you must first SELL YOUR HOME (divorce). In other words, your home (marriage) is far from being SOLD, and it hasn't been SOLD---You are still married to your husband regardless of whether or not you are having problems; therefore, their's no room for new tenants (your ex) right now. Even if you sell your home (marriage), you still have to clean up the house (a process called HEALING if you choose to leave your husband) for your new tenant.  When you walk away from a relationship, you need time to HEAL from it (regardless on whether or not it was a good/bad relationship). If you leave your husband, you will still need time to 'HEAL ALONE.' If you choose not to HEAL ALONE, and opt to run to the arms of your ex. Your relationship with your ex will end just as fast as it started.

Rominiyi, a failed relationship/marriage is NEVER a one-way street. You keep putting the blame on your husband, but what part have you played in it? If you think you've done NOTHING wrong then think again. You've already been sneaking around and introducing your daughter to your long lost ex.

Anyway, before you decide to LEAP, I would suggest thinking about the following---

Are you ready to face your marital problems head on, and actually FORGIVE your husband for his wrong doings in the past?
Are you ready to displace your child's idea of marriage?
Are you willing to break a home (marriage), in order to work on another (your ex)?
Why did you break up with ex? Why did your ex get a divorce? What were the issues in his marriage? Be very careful when you get this information from him, because you are only hearing HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
Why would you want to work on UNCERTAINTY (your ex), instead of working on a GUARANTEE (your marriage)?

There's so much at risk right now---YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR CHILD, YOUR MARRIAGE, Notice I don't say your ex, because he is not truly part of your life YET.

I'm sure there are plenty of more questions that you can ask yourself, but my advice is---

Life is too short to work on UNCERTAINTIES---If you leave your husband, and get back together with your ex and things don't work out between the two of you, you will find yourself back to square one---which is, hopping to the next man for emotional support---have you thought of what this will do to your child?---Oh my, too much to lose for a man you are uncertain of, but, GOOD LUCK.  

Anaxki,

Three years is clearly a long time. You have felt like this for quiet some time, but you chose to think that time may change and you may think differently of the situation, but the truth is you don't, and you haven't for a while now. Please don't prolong this any longer. You need to sit and talk to your girlfriend and be completely and truthfully honest with her. This will set both you and your girlfriend free, so that you both can find the right one for you. It's not as easy as it sounds, and it's not going to be for the both of you. You have spent a lengthy time together and shared memories, but to waste any more time in a relationship that's going nowhere is selfish, and judging by your comments to most of the responses from your thread, you don't seem to be a bad guy. Don't be harsh, like some of the respondents to your thread have suggested. Be really easy on her and walk away from this with dignity and being respectful to a woman you've spent a period of your life with. Good luck.

If it only took one phone call from you to break them up; then, unfortunately their bond isn't strong enough. If it's definite that they have broken up. I wouldn't rush to get back together with her. I would start back up just as friends, and take it really slow. This will give you an opportunity to get to know each other all over again, and give her ample time to get over her break up. Moreover, by staying strictly friends with her, this will also be opportune for you to figure out if you really do still have the same feelings for her or if you simply love her from a distance. At all costs, do not be quick to sleep with her--this will only work against you and distort your thought process. The failure of most couples that get back together is dependent upon how quickly they get back together, so take your time. Good luck.

Jayflex,

At the end of the day, you are still human. You loved and adored this woman at one time, to the extent of sacrificing your dreams and job for her. Unfortunately and fortunately for you, you are a victim of love hurting and blinding you. So what? Don't beat yourself up about it; we will all fall victim of this at some point and time in our lives. I'm sure a good part (all of you) of you wishes you were her husband, instead of the man she's currently married to.  Nonetheless, your ex is the one that's out of luck. She may never find someone to shower her with the love you once had for her (chances are she never will--the fact that she's married doesn't change this).

So she decided to dump you, once your life fell apart. Well, jayflex, you should thank your LUCKY STARS that you are not married to her. I'm sure you've heard of the saying---'When the going gets tough, get going'--- Well this doesn't and shouldn't apply to marriage. Marriage is no joke, and sometimes life takes a turn for the worst; therefore, you need a partner that's strong enough in heart to be able to endure the surprises life has in store for you. Your ex lacks this endurance, and chances are if the life of the man she's married to takes a left and wrong turn, she'll drop him too.  

I wouldn't worry about your ex if I were you. She'll receive her share of karma someday (not that you shouldn't wish her well, but karma will be present whenever one mistreats others).

My advice to you is,

You may love someone, but NEVER let that love OVERTAKE the love you feel and have for yourself. Thus, before and after you love someone, make sure your life is TOGETHER at all times. If they leave you, YOUR LIFE WILL STILL BE TOGETHER, if they stay with you, YOUR LIFE WILL STILL BE TOGETHER. Catch my drift? Good luck.

Miss83

I was going to initially ask you why you would like to be second best in a relationship, but I realized I need to reiterate that question---

The question is why would you like to be eighth or ninth best in a relationship?---

Let me give you a synopsis of a married man's priorities (they are not in specific order--but you catch my drift)---

1. Himself
2. His Job and the Money it brings
3. His Immediate family (father, mother, siblings if any)
4. His Wife (regardless of whether or not it's a good/bad relationship)
5. His Children
6. His Family as a whole (his wife, his children, and himself)
7. His Friends

Now, here you come potentially as his eighth or ninth HOBBY---

Notice I said 'HOBBY' not 'PRIORITY'---

Once you earn the title of 'The Other Woman' that is all you will be to a married man--- A HOBBY

You know what one does with HOBBIES---They partake in them in their SPARE TIME (in other words 'NOT A PRIORITY')---

Please spare yourself the DENIAL of it all, the truth shall set you free---

Woman you said it yourself "this is not the person you are"---so why continue being a part of this man's double life?

This man has told you what his priority is---which is 'NOT LOSING HIS KID'---

Now ask yourself, what does not losing his kid entail?

Hmmm---let's see--- It entails leaving his wife---

If he's afraid of losing his kid, he's definitely afraid of losing his wife as well---

So in order to kill two birds (his fears) with one stone, all he has to do is STAY WITH HIS WIFE---

My advice to you is---

Spare your heart any unnecessary heartache, stop seeing this man, and cut off all communication with him, no matter how hard it may be---

At the end of the day, he's NOT YOURS, and do you really want to be considered as a 'HOBBY' by the man you love?---Good luck.

What have been your experiences in the 'rebound department'? Are you a relationship hopper? Ever been on the rebound before? Ever been the rebound? Did it last? Did it fail? How long before it failed? How long before it succeeded? Please feel free to flood the forum with your experiences.

Persist

It's very simple, nobody should be forced or rushed into a decision they are not ready to COMMIT to.

When it comes to marriage, there are two types of women---

1. Those who are more in love with the IDEA of marriage, than they are with you
2. Those who are more in love with you than the IDEA of marriage

If your woman is #2 then she should be more than willing to understand that you love her, but you're not ready to commit to marriage at this time.

My advice to you is,

NEVER GET MARRIED WITHOUT HAVING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF IN DIVORCE COURT AS QUICKLY AS YOU RUSHED INTO YOUR MARRIAGE. Good luck.

iz2much

Be very careful in the manner in which you treat others. The same treatment will apply to you in the long run. Good luck.

Jiokeh,

Don't rush into marriage, especially when your relationship is hanging on a thin string.

Here goes my perception of your story---

1. Your woman is not as invested in this relationship as you are
2. Distance was the issue, so you moved, but she's still distant?? (clearly that wasn't the issue in the first place)

In an art shell, she's distant and clearly showing no interest in this so called 'relationship'---

She has EMOTIONALLY DETACHED herself from you and this 'relationship'; hence, the lack of effort in keeping this relationship going---

You need to have a serious talk with your woman, if she's running from you now, having her hand in marriage is not going to keep her with you in the long run. Good luck.

Irenereky,

Never allow yourself to take SECOND PLACE when it comes to relationships. You'll be headed for nothing but a DEAD END filled with HEARTBREAK and BROKEN PROMISES.

My advice is,

1. Date other men (this will drive him crazy, but your not responsible for him and neither is he for you)
2. Find men that are EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE; thus, no BAGGAGE (not in a relationship/ not married/ not additional drama in your life - you don't need it, trust me, spare your brain the headache)
3. Put yourself in the woman's position (karma has no friends, it will come and bite you in the ass whenever you do wrong unto others - you are no exception, sorry, nobody is)
4. Don't contact him, and don't respond to his attempts to contact you (trust me, he'll go crazy once you ignore him, but it's for the better)
5. Keep it professional (you work together so keep your contact at hi/bye/good day; thus, 'WORK-RELATED').
6. He may choose to make you jealous and start flirting with other girls at work (pay him no mind--it's childish on his part and it doesn't deserve confirmation)
7. Even worse---he may leave his woman or she may leave him (once she finds out he's sniffing elsewhere) and he'll come running to you---don't take him.

But,

Love is crazy, so if you still want him, play hard to get, don't let him think he can have you at the drop of a dime, it will lower his interest in you, and it will fasten the process of him finding another woman to replace you, just like he did with his ex,

Finally,

Be wise in picking a mate for a relationship. If you have confidence in yourself and you value yourself, he will have no choice, but to respect you and treat you accordingly.

You'll be fine woman. Start dating other men, and keep yourself busy; in no time you'll get over him. Good luck.

Love is Respect,

Thus, not doing anything that will be disrespectful to your partner or your relationship.

Too much,

So you say you're in love and would like to fall out of love? Hmmmm,

My dear, Don't fear to love, instead fear those that prevent you from being loved,

This man has done nothing wrong, you have no evidence of any wrong doing, all you have is a bunch of women feeding ideas into your head of 'what most men are like'.

Love is a risk, 

Being in love, staying in love, and falling out of love is all a risk we must take at some point and time in our lives. These are emotions that we cannot control no matter what we do or how we try to prevent them. 

You're already in love, so you're already at risk of heartbreak,  So why not enjoy it for now? Instead of wasting your time listening to chitchat,

Moreover, if you fall out of love, you are still at risk of heartbreak. Here's why,

If you force yourself to fall out of love,

1. You risk losing this man,
2. You risk having him finding another and treating her like gold (wishing it were you),
3. You risk regretting the loss of his love for you,
4. You risk NEVER falling in love again (truly falling in love),

Woman, don't be afraid of heartbreak. It'll come, you'll feel it, and it'll go away.

You're already in love, so relax, take a deep breath and enjoy swimming in the sea of love. If it's meant to be, it will be.

My advice is have a mind of your own and talk it over with your man. Communication is like water in a desert called relationships, you'll need it to survive. Also, listen to your gut. It will never fool you.

By the way, Word of Advice---If you choose to continue living in the land of love with this man, whenever the two of you have an argument or problem, I would suggest talking it over with him FIRST, before talking to the girlfriends that originally fed ideas into your head about him. All you'll get is NEGATIVITY, that will POLLUTE your relationship with this man.

Anyway, LIVE YOUR LIFE, WOMAN. ENJOY LOVE---ENJOY BEING IN LOVE---ENJOY BEING LOVED---ENJOY FEELING LOVED---It's alot better than forcing yourself to fall out of love, and still being heartbroken,

Good luck.

Hails,

To be honest, I think you're a selfish individual. You want it all,

1. The man you dumped,
2. While still having the comfort of returning to the man you're currently with,
3. Risk potentially ruining a steady relationship (your ex and his girlfriend),
4. Also, breaking the heart of the man you're currently with,

Nonetheless, the truth shall set you free, If I were you, I would

1. Break up with the man you're currently with (you clearly don't feel much for him, because you are willing to drop him like a hot potato----spare the man his heart)
2. Meet your ex and inform him of how you feel (but be prepared for rejection). Moreover, inform him that you are not trying to come between his relationship with his girlfriend (which you are) but you thought it necessary to inform him of how you feel.
3. Don't pressure your ex, inform him of your suppressed feelings, and let make him make the next move,

Good luck.

Sweetepie,

I clearly took back half of the things I said so relax. I'm glad you are doing well, so good luck to you.

OMO IBO,

I agree no situation in relationships is clean cut. I must admit reading what the poster wrote reminded me of my aunt's situation, the only difference is he was in law school. And once he had slept around to get through, he left her biting dust. Therefore, I may have strayed from the issue at hand and responded through my aunt's eyes, but I understand your side of the story. Thank you.

mistygirl:

Thanks to all for the replies. I knew what I had to do but was just seeking other opinions.
Anyways, I did what was in my best interest; I let him go. I'm feeling a bit low about it but I know it was the right decision rather than get stuck in the future.

I support your decision to leave. A relationship built with lies, will remain based on them.

Cheerio,

I think you need to take a 'break' from both of them. At least a week or two to 'yourself' will help you put things into perspective. Moreover, odds of things working out between you and your boyfriend are higher than the divorcee,

Things to consider,

Divorcee (a.k.a. Prospect)

1. Ex-wife (baggage)
2. Kids (more baggage)
3. Emotional baggage (yet again, more baggage) from previous relationship
4. He's a prospect, not a current (prospects are always so attractive until they become current, then the appeal dies)
5. You know something is off, like you said "he wants me as his wife but am scared , i may get the same treat as his ex-wife", and you've only gotten 'his' side of the story? Imagine what his wife's side is?!!

Boyfriend (a.k.a. Current)

1. He's current and although the appeal may have died, it can slowly be REKINDLED
2. You know him best so you can make a list of your own as pertains to his odds, but I'm on the outside looking in and so far my vote is for your boyfriend.

Good luck.

Sweetepie,

Consider yourself very LUCKY for the following reasons,

1. You're man has shown you his TRUE COLORS and then some.
2. You're not married to him

When a man shows you his TRUE COLORS, take it for what it is, and PLEASE DO NOT rationalize his behavior.

He has shown you that he will do "WHATEVER IT TAKES (USE & ABUSE WHOMEVER), IN ORDER TO FACILITATE 'HIMSELF'--- Notice that doesn't include YOU.

Now sweetepie, here goes a reality check, "WHATEVER A MAN IS TO OTHER WOMEN, HE WILL BE TO YOU, EVENTUALLY"

Notice I italicized 'eventually', because you are currently in the 'being used basket', but your transfer to the 'been abused basket' is currently PENDING.

So you say,

And I quote, "He dropped her like a bad habit after getting what he wanted."--- You're next in line, eventually

You also said "I know 4 sure he is no longer seeing the girl."--- It is this mentally that will keep you where he needs you to be, blinded from the reality of the situation.

How do you know he is no longer seeing/sleeping with the girl? What other 'needs' in his life do you think this woman can't provide for him? Like you said she's an "airhead", so he's obviously choosing his targets well, which increases chances of him using her again. By the way, a 10,000 dollar loan doesn't come from 'one night' of sex. This is not a man we are talking about, she's a woman, so you know he had to work 'his way up' (how many times, you'll never know, but trust and believe it's not 'once') in order to get her to sign on the dotted line.

So here goes the reasons why this relationship is not working now and will continue not working in the near future,

1. You are the 'ONLY ONE' working on it,
2. You let him get away with his behavior, and he knows it, so he continues to play along.  
3. It's not about 'we' it's about 'I', 'I', 'I' (referring to your man of course)
4. You're not a PRIORITY in this man's life now, nor will you be in the future, (harsh but true)
5. Whatever you can't offer him, he is GLADLY finding elsewhere (by using and abusing innocent "airheads"

I'm sorry sweetepie, but this is WHO HE IS, this is not in the PAST. Your only fault is letting him get away with it. He is not willing to strike a balance; therefore, you fall somewhere below his needs.

There are men out there that strive for their goals with you in mind, and there are those that simply don't.  Please don't rationalize this statement by making it seem like he's sleeping around in order to put food on the table for you and your family (in the near future). If you continue having this mindset, you will continue staying with this man, but I HIGHLY doubt that that will keep him from leaving you once he's done 'using and abusing' you. Good luck in your decision making.

Canladyluv,

Is this 'lady' you?

Arewa,

How old are you?

Misty,

If you stay your family/your friends as well as yourself will continue asking the same question, "So what else has he lied about?". If it took lying to attract your attention, well it's going to take lying to keep your attention as well. It's only been 4 months, I suggest you prepare your exit strategy now, before more time goes by and you start falling deeper and deeper into his web of deception. Good luck.

These days women cheat just as much as men. They just do a better job of keeping it secret.

Bronx Dog

I've picked up on your personality based on your responses on most of these posts. I can honestly tell you that it's not appealing, to say the least. Therefore, my advice to you is copy and paste all your responses to these posts, and send it to a woman you are trying to date, and at the bottom of the email ask her "Would you date someone like this?" and that should give you the answer to your question. Good luck.

Saater

Do yourself a favor and SPARE YOUR HEART now than later. So you got your woman pants down with your friend? Hmmm, please note that this was the 'FIRST TIME' (according to you) that this took place. Goodness only knows how long it's been going on. So here's the thing, there are two types of cheaters,

Cheater #1: They cheat once (maybe twice) and the guilt is too much to bare, so they inform you of their nasty betrayal
Cheater #2: They cheat and continue to cheat, they may feel guilty, but not guilty enough to inform you of their nasty betrayal (until they are caught)

Now the difference between the two is,

Cheater#1: Is MORE likely to return to you, apologize and beg for your forgiveness and want to work things out
Cheater#2: Is LESS likely to return to you, apologize and beg for your forgiveness and want to work things out

Now the similarity between the two is,

They are both CHEATERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But unfortunately for you, you are stuck with Cheater#2, the one that is less likely to return to you and apologize until she has continued to sleep around with your friend (and trust me she still is) and things don't work out between them, then she'll be running back to your door wanting to patch things, only to return to her CHEATING CAREER (and trust me it is) once everything is back to normal between the two of you.

So here goes the reality check,

This woman DOES NOT LOVE YOU enough to close her legs to EVERY other man out there, sorry but this is what you need to ACCEPT so you can MOVE ON.

The problem with loving someone that DOESN'T love you is that you are going to ACCEPT whatever ditch they decide to throw you in. This is the reason why you are willing to ACCEPT her cheating.

My advice to you is to MOVE ON, and under all circumstances DO NOT CONTACT this woman again. Remember if you choose to forgive her, you are choosing to let her BREAK YOUR HEART once again. Good luck.

Princekevo

How much are you willing to sacrifice for this relationship? If your tradition/customs are against it, it's obvious that your family is against it as well. Therefore, chances of them supporting you are slim to none. If you are willing to accept that, then good luck. You had chosen to keep this relationship a secret for so long, why? Why invest so much time and lies in keeping your relationship surreptitious? You knew something was wrong in the beginning, that's why you chose to keep it a secret. Now you are in love and your mind is split.

So this is what is bound to happen,

Scenario 1: You continue keeping your relationship a secret, elope and get married on the hush hush
Scenario 2: You discontinue keeping your relationship a secret, inform everyone and marry the woman of your dreams
Scenario 3: You're done with scenario 1 or 2 and the two of you are happy in love, but with no family to support or accept it
Scenario 4: Things don't work out due to scenario 1, 2 and 3, and you eventually break up
Scenario 5: You've broken up and you have no family to return to or welcome you with open arms due to Scenario 1, 2, 3 and 4

Again I ask, How much are you willing to sacrifice for this relationship?

Truphie

The key is to find DIFFERENT things to do together.

Maxpayne

Please do not CONFUSE love with pain. This is not love, it's merely being infatuated with the fact that she doesn't want to be with YOU AND YOU 'ONLY'. You are in denial. This girl is playing with your heart, mind and soul and potentially your health (she's sleeping around UNPROTECTED with other men, PLEASE do not wait to start having a BURNING SENSATION 'down there' for you to WAKE UP). This is what's wrong with taking cheaters back, when you do this you are merely telling them it's OK to cheat on you, and they will do it again and again, because they know you'll accept them regardless. Max, if you stay with this woman, you might as well kiss your life goodbye, she will bring you more and more pain in your life, and the more pain she brings, the more you CONFUSE THIS FOR LOVE and you will ultimately remain in a loveless relationship and life. My advice to you is leave this woman behind, and as painful as it may be do not contact her or respond to her attempts to contact you. Trust me, I know women like this and once you are gone, they will hound you like dogs, begging and pleading to have you back. It's not genuine, and once she has you back, it's back to square one for her, back to, you guessed it, CHEATING.

Spoilt

Haha, I think we've lived the same life. After a while their actions became so predictable, and I ended up the one bored and moved on.

Adaeze

The issue with most women is that they think that men think like them. This is clearly not the case, my solution to you is if your man is weary due to being smothered, cut back on the attention you give him just a little. He'll definitely take note of it and start to wonder why the sudden change and poof! goes the weariness he had in the beginning. Men hate to be responsible for their woman's happiness, and when you bombard him with too much attention, it makes him feel suffocated. The problem is women make their men their lives, and men make their women a part of their lives almost like an added bonus, and that is how men have an easier time moving on after a break up than a woman does. It is because they have only lost a part of their lives, in the contrary, a woman is left heartbroken because she's lost her life and airbag (her man). The best way to be successful in your relationship is to have a LIFE of your own, and I know as a woman you are an 'emotional being', but act like your man is an added bonus as well, you'll have him craving for your attention in no time. Good luck.