₦airaland Forum

biolabee: What about if he never takes responsibility
What if he never comes back
What if she cant really afford to take care of a baby

It's not about him. It's about the mother and child, and the joy/pain of motherhood. Afterall there are married women crying to get out of the marriage. Why terminate a life just to make someone who has his own life happy? We African girls must stop living our lives as if it revolves around men and pleasing men who don't care anyway. That's why some men treat us like disposable rags.

Why do we Africans make a big deal of a girl being pregnant when all of us came through pregnancy? Americans give birth to their own no matter their age or financial situation. OP I think you are trying to impress society at ur expense. Talk to your mom and the boy's mother and let them know you want to keep the baby...go register in a hospital and start preparing. Elderly Nigerian Mother's love babies

The baby father will come for that same baby someday. If he is reasonable and truly loves u, he can just give u a ring now for engagement to re-assure you (marriage later when money come). but know there's a sacrifice to anything. In this case you may be home, not working, to look after the baby for sometime

biolabee: Woged!

The madam that opens threads up and down and does not come back to give feedback If i pay u money, where is my recourse if you don't deliver
Abeg dey try to come back to your baby threads

LoL!!, thank you ma. I do come back. But sometime the thread get's too long and people digress into something else unrelated that I don't even know how to redirect them back to the question without sounding rude. So I just give up. I take the useful advice and work with it. Nairalanders have been very useful.

First I want to thank my virtual friends on Nairaland for your contributions to my previous threads. I really learned a lot but now becoming addicted to NL..LoL!!. God bless you all!

Please how can one own a small family business in Nigeria without involving family members if you don't live in Nigeria? I don't want to use anyone from my family. I did that in the past and it nearly resulted in family issues. This time I want to do it professionally with agreements. How can I do it to avoid being cheated. It's going to be a shop selling baby items, and family items. I have a source in USA willing to supply me at discount. I need advice on: (1)Agreement type, (2)Getting the right person? (3) Best way to compensate the person? (if commision, what's the right commission to pay)(4)Monitoring sales daily, weekly, or monthly(5) Must I use a family member? I will like to avoid family member if I can.

What are your past experiences and advice to me?

davidylan: This thread is an agglomeration of people who are simply here by accident of birth. If anyone of us were to be unfortunate to have been born dirt poor in nigeria i wonder if your tone here would be different. People beg in nigeria simply because it is a country where more than 70% live on less than $1 a day... that is a country where more than 75% are living in sheer poverty.

Sir, if Nigeria is terribly poor what then will u say abt countries like Eritrea, Ethiopia, Uganda, Burkina Faso, Mali, Buruundi, etc but they don't behave like us? Nigerians are too very materialistic so people will rather spend on luxuries to impresse than on things that can yield money. Maybe you don't know how much a Brazilian weave costs (abt N30k or more) yet school girls in Nigeria change it like toothpick. How about Black Berries? does a very poor person who cant eat as u described need a N50k blackberry to communicate when N50k put in stock 2day may make her a millionaire at 40yrs? A 19 yrs old girl in USA is working at McDonald's, etc helping parents to pay rent. But send a 19yrs old girl in Nig goods to sell, she will embezzle ur moni and become ur enemy. It's our lifestyle that forces us into poverty. God gave Nigeria everything.

The worst is facebook friends. Some people are simply on facebook to beg, and they beg agressively. They first become your friends, chatting with u everyday and even text and call sending you their pictures. then the begging thing starts. A friend I've never met asked me to help her rent a house at Lagos bc she's sick and tired of living with her sister. Guess how much? ..N200k ($1,670 as at today's exchange rate). Meanwhile I am sharing an appartment here..LOLoLOL!!

[quote author=jidegirl12]OP first of all how far with your cousin's kids and the dad? has he surfaced yet?

Thanks for asking. I haven't seen them for a while. I believe they are doing well. We are believing God will intervene in His own way at some time.

Yea My sister, there are people in Nigeria specially trained to get other angry even when you are happy. How can a friend stop talking with you because you did not send her gift or money, yet she's working o!..LOL!!

Annoying Begging Culture In Nigeria! How Can One Raise Kids Who Don't Beg?

Please fellow Nigerians how can one raise her kids to avoid this annoying needy, begging culture in Nigeria? I don't know why some people have jobs in Nigeria but cannot afford to renew their rents at the end of the year without help. They can't go to hospital unless you give them money. Some of our ladies greet you with "I hope you have something for me?". Some working ladies are quiting stable relationships simply because the man doesn't 'help' them (meaning he doesn't give them money). What happens to their salary? The grown men 'flash' you with their phone to call back so you'll pay the bill to hear them talk about their problems. 80% of the sermons in the church is actually begging for money sweet-coated under titles like: "breakthrough giving', 'Tithes', 'Sowing seeds', 'invest in your pastor', 'pastor appreciation', etc.

The most annoying are relatives and friends who cut communication with you because you don't send them money & gifts. What do they send to friends and relatives abroad? Afterall Nigeria has Egusi, dried fish, crayfish, ogbono, traditional clothes, beeds, etc that cost a fortune abroad. why can't they send them to friends abroad as gifts unless you give them money to do so?

Why do our people appear too needy and want to be taken care of? I really want to know how to raise kids who don't beg but are self-reliant. The needy culture is very unhealthy.

Sorry about ur situation but I am confused about ur story. People who want to stay married do everything to keep their marriage whatetver the sacrifice. Nairalanders don't know u or ur husband and what's ben going on. A wise person cannot jude a case from only one side of the story. However,I thought one of the prerequisites to divorce is proving that the couple have not been intimate for some period of time? A judge doesn't grant a divorce simply bc you want to quit. Otherwise people will be quiting everyday. You have to meet certain conditions. Consult a Lawyer! But look at what you've been doing that brought the situation, and change it. That could be a faster solution.

There are va.gina tightening creams sold online (mostly made in china). I don't know how it works and have never used it.

There are ladies whose hymen are intact but have been having oral and an.al s.ex. are such ladies still virgins? moreover, there are no evidence to show that ladies who married as virgins do better as wives than those who are not, and vise versa. Men who want to marry virgins are usually the controlling, male Chavanists, who want to satisfy their little ago that they're the first to pup a girl...and so what? same type of men who chase little 15 and 16 yr old girls just to be their first.

victorian: They should simply drop each other .....
My husband still gives me money for upkeep, even though I own a company... And we help each other, if anyone is down... Cos not everyday is Christmas..

Well this is another perspective to the issue, somehow a useful insight. It also shows that environment & orientation go a long way to shape one's life. Nigerian men must be blamed for whatever naija girls have become! Back in schl I was a poor girl, but I had pride. To be honest with you all, i was traumatized when men & 'sugar daddies' showered their 'campus girls', with expensive gifts, BB phones, laptops, cameras, dresses, sometime cash gifts of N50k, N100k, N250k, and my own boyfriend was a poor school boy like me. I almost joined the rest but thank God for His grace...Nigerian men are called 'Keziahs' (free givers) on campus...they sabi give, they sabi boast to impress even when the girl did not ask. Majority of our girls back home have this hard-wired in their brains that a 'good boyfriend' is equal to a 'Cheerful giver'. The part they don't get is how these 'gifts' sell their respect to men, when we call same men abusers, womanizers who don't respect women etc. Moreover, most of the sugar daddies in Nigeria did not work hard for the money they give out..politicians steal from govt, while abroad,people toil for what they have and can't part with it freely.

We can't blaim my friend totally. She is a product of Nigerian environment, where men use money to impress girls. I think she just hit a rock.. ! She forgot she's now in US and not Nigeria. But honestly the begging culture of some of our naija sistas taya me too o! even when they're working, they still beg for alms.

debrief08: Kuylie, calm down na, the venom too much.

The only problem I have with your friend is wanting to receive money from a man she isn't married to. She should live within her means and stop looking on any man to meet her needs.
Apart from that I have no problem on her needing to stay off s3x.
However its hard to expect a man to fund your lifestyle when you are not giving him anything back, that's why we encourage hard work and self sufficency, so when you say NO, You can say it with confidence.
Its hard to take a stand and go cap in hand begging for money.
Imagine the content of the mail where he lists her various demands, if she NEEDS those things she can work extra hours and get them. Or else she will have to sell her body to get them.

Hmm! ma debrief08 you are supposed to be a counselor. Please setup an office. For some reason all your posts are very soothing, and calm nerves. No matter how hot one is, when one reads your post she calms down...ice cream. Please o, ma if you get brother wey get your personality, hmmm recommend me o. . Ur sista never get o! naija men for US dey do shakara here. Na dem sabi

Hmmm! Why do people have divorce in mind and marry? If you think it will happen, then it will happen. faith is acting on something that doesn't exist as though it exists. Please enjoy your marriage. your fears may get it scattered. people like us will be quick to pick the pieces because we don't even have any..LoL!!

baby_123: OP

You again!? Go back to the wahala thread you opened some questions are waiting for you there. Not even going to get sucked into this one

Aaaaaaah! hahahaha! How you dey? Na u run comot o na! I did an update there today. U know ur sista I no be big woman. na so-so work me I dey do for this oyinbo land to get chop. The thing don taya ur sista o. Make you dey pray for me make I find beta. na small time I get I dey carry do Nairaland. One luv!

Sorry my good peeps, I didn't write more on this thread. Yes I live in US but still a JJC. But I read every single post with keen interest not for them for myself. I learned a lot from experienced Nairalanders, and I hope that will help me avoid making similar mistakes.

On the issue, an uncle told me to back off (LOL). Saying the man in question is very educated, exposed and intelligent. that he has no lawyer does not mean he's not consulting with lawyers pn actions he take. said that he'll see his kids when the time is right and condisive; right now emotions are still high..he wants to avoid ugly situations that will affect the girls more.

So peeps after that advice I backed off. However, Nairalanders are the best. I will forever seek ur wise counsel.

biolabee: what is her hope for the relationship and why does she not want to sleep wit him

PS we have been waiting for you on the guy who stayed away from his kids

Like any relationship. Nothing is certain in these days. People are getting jilted even at the alter. Mariage promise is no by mouth in African tradition..

The lady in question is 28yrs, the man is about 35/37yrs. They’ve been dating without s,ex for the past one year..the man has a job but the lady only has a menial job and occasionally asks for his help as boyfriend. Suddenly the man exploded last week, and sent her this angry email below. The girl doesn’t want to end the relationship but want to negotiate a peaceful settlement- some suggested options by friends are:

1).Let him go
2).Allow him to see other girls, and don't be jealous
3).perform other types of s.ex for him (oral, with hand, coital with panties on, etc no penetration).
4).Let him do it (suggestion mostly by guy). etc.

She’s afraid he might do it and abandon her. Shocked, speechless and short of words. Any suggestion how to respond to this? Seriously, confusion galore!

Read his email below:

“Look baby, you can’t date a 37yrs old man who has been se.xually active for the past 12 years and tell him you want to date him without se.x. What am I supposed to do when I want to have it- look for a LovePeddler? Yet you want me to be faithful to you? You don’t want se.x but you want me to buy you gifts, hair weaves, give you money, take you to restaurants and concerts like other girls. What do I get - texts : ‘luv u’. ‘miss u’, ‘gotcha’, ‘lol’, ‘lmao’,etc when I am not sure you do?

For your info, ladies who want to wait till they marry don’t date. They marry by ‘God’s will’ through prayers, prophesies, and miracles. If you can’t take care of me, I can’t do same for you either. You told me you are not a virgin. I am tired of girls like you who take advantage of good men who respect women, but when you meet a ‘bad boy’ who beats you, slaps you, treat you like an object, you cry for him, beg him, kneel down to lick his thing, and do anything he says, and say “he beats me because he is jealous because he loves me..it’s my fault” . You’re a typical ‘smart’ naija girl! America hasn’t changed you. Please the rule is ‘if you don’t give, don’t ask’. Anyway I don’t blame you” (end)

question: @ OP, this family (especially the helpless children) needs serious prayers for divine intervention.

I didn't want to comment on this again but just to draw your attention that it was Nigerian pastors seeing fake visions, prophesies and advising my cousin what to do that contributed to this mess in the first place. Most times she will leave her her kids for her husband, clutch a bible, leave the house by 11pm to a prayer night without her husband's consent, then sneak back in by 2am in the morning. The family once confronted the so-called Nigerian pastor, he was full of the usually 'BS' you guys come up with about demons, curses, witches and wizards. Now look at where the marriage ended...I will ask you. Did the prayer work? We are Catholics, we don't believe in some of these spiritual quick fixes.

Some Nigerian pastors honestly do more harm to marriages (some are be good). A woman is supposed to be loyal to her husband not to a pastor. It's called 'Emotional Infidelity'. Sorry, I wont recommend any spiritual stuff on this.

Sisi_Kill: Except the restraining order includes the children. ..

The courts will help them look for ways to carry out the visitation without violating the restraining order. ...sometimes it may be dropping off the kids with a trusted party or having him pick them off in a neutral place. These are not babies who still need momma's breast milk.

All it takes is being cool headed and putting stupid "ehn this can not happen to a whole of me" pride aside.

Yes ma you are absolutely correct. God Bless you.

I asked the mediator, she said the restraining order did not include the children. There was also a visitation order in place with drop off and pick up location. But the wife formed the habit of rushing to her lawyer to file allegations of abuse/ neglect each time the kids came back from their dad's house. One was an allegation by the wife that the dad kept alcoholic wine in his refrigerator at the reach of the kids during visitation. though that was not investigated. The mediator said these types of allegations made the man to restrain himself. The mediator said the man bought the kids a prepaid contact phone, which his wife has turned off or thrown away. So he's scared of his wife's determined efforts to either have locked up or have a costly legal fight. Now you can see my anger with my own cousin. If true, these actions are uncalled for.

What I don't understand is why her husband doesn't have his own lawyer to take on the other lawyer heads on? He's very educated and has a stable job. I may have to hands off from this case.

bigheart2013: @OP, I researched your case, and here's the advice from a very seasoned US-based lawyer on how to settle this problem without hurting the kids

1. Both parties must wait till the restraining order expires or vacated (usually one year). Absolutely no contacts before then.
2. contact a mediator both parties will trust (usually someone independent. A trusted clergy can serve)
3. He should find out from the man what type of visitation he will like with his Kids (No court in USA can deny a man visitation with his kids)
4. Communicate to his wife what visitation he wants (continue this process until both parties agree on something)
5. The lady should ask her lawyer to put the agreement into a 'Consent order'. They should also be firm with the lawyer to do what they (parties) want not what the lawyer wants. Lawyers usually want the case to keep going by fueling it so they get paid.
6. If the lawyer is not cooperating, fire him/her and use a pro-bono or another lawyer
7. both should Sign the consent agreement and file it in court. It becomes legal and official. Visitation/child support is established amicably.

You don't need court cases that wastes money on legal fees. Smart people don't.

Thank you sir for getting back to the question. God bless u! I got a similar advice offline frm another person. noted..I love the idea of keeping lawyers off. the moni saved can be put towards the kids' education. I heard the cheapest divorce lawyer in USA is $300 per hour (for the inexperienced ones). Wow!

slimyem: Op,what party complained to you?
The mother or the father?
What do you intend to do with the advice you get here?
Approach the man and get him to fight for custody of his kids?
Isn't that like some kind of conflict of interest since the woman's your cousin?

...Our people in Nigeria want to mediate but do not understand the US laws. They even suggested a secret meeting btw the 2,. That's dangerous bc there's a restraining order in place so the husband cannot contact her in woteva form. If he does he will go to jail for violation. Only outsiders like me can serve as a medium. But I am short of a tested strategy to break the ice....two smart angry people!

baby_123: I dont think the woman is complaining. She is even following up the case. The woman's cousin is the one affected by this.

An adage says "a mad person doesn't know that, she/she is mad"..yes I get affected bc where two elephants fight the grass suffers..in this case the kids. I just wish the kids can be seeing their dad in woteva arrangement. My cousin used child support to hurt her husband, her husband abandoned the kids to hurt her back...who really gets hurt?- the kids. Any sensible couple should just avoid settling marriage issues in the court. lawyers don't care, they want to win their case...

baby_123: Its obvious the husband earns more. So he is likely to pay child support and alimony. If she did, well well...

No. It's whoever gets custody of the kids gets paid. You can't pay a non-custodial parent. It's money to feed kids. Shared custody usually means that neither parents gets paid because they keep the kids 50/50. Many women who love money fight hard to keep full custody so that they get paid. Also US courts will hardly award kids at that age to a man because they believe they will need their mom. A woman has to be terribly very bad (like criminal records, drug addiction) to lose custody of under-aged kids in US. the bad news is that some men who pay child support simply abandon the kids to the woman and enjoy themselves around.

ifyalways: All that stress for just 158,000NGN per month? Na "auxiliary nurse(nurse Eliza)" your sister be?.

I heard US child support is calculated by a software and depends on how much the couple makes. it's a percentage of that..if u earn less u pay less, if you earn more you pay more. It's not alimony (payment made to a partner for upkeep if his/her career is adversely affected by a marriage)..

baby_123: Always the Nurses. Nurses come and defend yourselves!

You seem like you have a lot at stake in this. Maybe the man's heart who knows.

..No ma, I will never do a thing like that. We were all close before the devil took over. The kids call me Auntie. The tone of my write up was mere frustration with the situation. Can you imagine a 10 and 7yr old daddy's girls now lacking daddy's love bc of two proud adults? thanks to coming to America!!

My female cousin who is a nurse in the USA with two daughters cooked up lies and filed for a restraining order against her husband. She filed for and got full physical/ legal custody of the kids as well as a monthly child support payment of $1000 from her husband for the two kids mostly because her husband refused to fight for the case. But this has backfired, as her husband has refused to visit, see or even call the kids for the past 7 months. Rather he simply mails the child support. My cousin continues to lie to everyone that her husband was abusive in the marriage to justify her actions. Lies! lies!! lies!! I knew this couple from day one. In fact, she was the abuser, she patronizes fake Nigerian pastors who saw fake visions/ prophesies for her, she gossips a lot, insults her husband before us, and can’t move along with anyone. In addition, she was secretly going out with a male nurse at her workplace of which I confronted her before and she said he’s just a friend. Now we know he’s more than a friend to her because they made love.

I asked her husband last week why he doesn’t make any effort to see his kids. He said his wife was the one that lied and filed for full custody of the kids, that she coached the kids to lie in court in order to get child support, that she was using the kids to draw her into a costly custody battle, which he won’t succumb to. Therefore, she should keep the kids. I begged and he hung up. I wept!

I visited the kids last week; they sat on chairs like orphans depressed. They miss their dad! Even my cousin has started suffering, as she’s now saddled with raising two girls by herself because of $1000 a month child support. Yet pride won't let her stop. Did I mention that she retained a white lawyer whose interest is getting paid per hour and keeps firing up the case?

No amount of preaching has changed this man’s heart to call or even start visiting his kids. We don’t know if and when he will. Everyone is just shocked! Very sad!

Fellow Nairalanders is this man right in what he is doing just to avoid a confrontation or custody battle, or should he retain a lawyer too to fight for shared custody of the kids? The kids are in the middle. My interest? I am a God-mother to one of the girls…weeping!!

I really don't understand our sisters who claim to be xtians only on t-shirts but not in practice. A wife should be where her husband is or choose to be. Period! He didn't marry you for the American society but for himself. Jonah in the bible suffered for not going where God sent him. Queen Vashti lost her queen title to a teenage girl, Esther, in the bible for becoming petty in her husband's house (God sanctioned her replacement). Sarah called Abraham 'Master' in the Bible...please, naija sistas, do not marry if you want to be in control but if you 'foolishly' choose to marry, respect your religion and culture...shebi the marriage was either done under your religion or tradition? So why throw it aside now because you enter yanki? You can't eat your cake and still have it.

To your uncle, please tell him to look beyond Nigeria. There are eligible single Nigerian ladies in the US who studied there, already adjusted to the US stress and gara-gara... they make better wives in USA (check statistics).

Chei!! see beta!!!..man get office job, get house, his 'manly fluid' dey work kampe (LoL), he even saves money when some men drink with there salary, he dey quiet, no dey womanize, as u mention. Please OP inbox me contact info privately....I go hook am up fast-fast here in the USA with fine sisi ready-made to start dating ASAP... !!

biolabee: Mechonu how u know say she no want/like am?

..hmm!..u no say sometime woman fit no want do....but after some pressure and promises by the man, the woman go bend, take am. After the man wipe his thing come fail for his promises, the woman go come dey upset well-well...come say. "chei..dis man don chop me mugu..". then begin tell her friends..dat one na im be d proper 419 against naija women o!..trespass 'drilling' on another man's 'land' without owner's permit, and without proper compensation to 'land-owner'...! .

This is the ultimate thread of the year! Nairalnaders don vex, charge dey offload their anger. I wan hear more jare! so na who come win...oversea givers or naija takers?..LMAO!!!

I am lafing my ass out here rolling on the floor, knocking things down!!! My colleagues are wondering what type of alcohol I drank. My own stories wif naijarians can make a full 1000 page book...but want to add that back in school my friend (female) went to her pastor to complain about another church member who duped her. After counseling her, the pastor took her to a hotel to meet someone for biz..turned out to be a hoax. He ended up 'drilling' her 'borehole' there. She came back very upset, feeling guilty. Fela sang "Overtake don overtake overtake o"... . Na who u go trust for naija!

Callotti: Your opinion. I beg to differ. How can ANYONE live a fulfilled life amidst the level of poverty in a place like Nigeria? Lest you derail your own thread, back to topic.
I repeat:If you are successful avoid miserable and wretched mentalities. 90% of Nigerian nurses I KNOW, are CONTENT and happy as single or married. Unless you are dealing with those "mgbeke-wife-killers" we read about.

Your choice abeg. Nor be by force to be NURSE! You can be a doctor or pharmacist. No time to waste. This na 2013.

Happy NY!

Back to my sweeeeeet nursing job jare. Triple HOLIDAY-PAY. Less than 3 hours to close!

Ok. Happy New year! Life is not about money though, and money doesn't buy happiness. Even Americans call it 'petty' when a life is dependent on hourly 'dollars' and 'cents'. I know many students in USA whose school fees & accomodation are being paid in full by their parents from Nigeria in hard dollars. We can't call such people poor. Here in US I know several nurse friends from Nigeria who dress, look exuberant and portray affluence outside but within they share they are not happy in anyaway. They want a happy family for their kids like others. That's the point of this thread...how one can avoid that. It's not really about how much people earn or have. The best paid and the wealthiest people hardly talk about it...

Callotti: It is quite unfortunate that you really think there are 'marriages' in places like Nigeria where women have ABSOLUTE ZERO VALUE.

There are just a lot of angry people pretending to be happy!!! I don't judge anyone and my prayers for all those going through problems is that their hearts be healed. Life is all about fulfillment. Bob Marley sang "..are you satisfied... with the life you are living..?" Doesn't matter if you are either in Nigeria, USA, China, Jamaica or Babados. I've lived in US for the past 5yrs. I don't think people living in USA are more fulfilled than people in Nigeria and vice versa, and I don't think mariages in USA are sweeter than those in Nigeria.. It's all case by case basis. My pastor once said "you have a hand in whatever you are going through in life..the sooner you face it the better"