₦airaland Forum

salemdv: Op are you a divorcee

No sir. I'm still a single student, in a respectful, loving relationship. However, divorcees are not criminals are they? Otherwise no jail can contain 50% (1 in every 2) of married people in USA who have gone that route. I just don't want another person's prejudice to becloud my own judgement...a lot of that from our beloved countrymen/women..too judgmental!

basisop: Nicely written but what's the campaign for? Are you stigmatized?

It's okay to share knowledge, that's why people invest on education, reading what others wrote. Professors who engage in life-saving researches don't do so because they have problems. I compiled this as part of digging in to get more facts on various misinformation some people (especially in Nigeria) peddle on Nairaland on various issues based on their limited knowledge & personal believes often using wrong religious inferences. Unless you agree that "Witches cause power failures in Nigeria" so rather than invest in infrastructure we should train more "prayer warriors' to solve Nigeria's problems. Misinformation! I loved well-researched assumptions based on facts.

Sorry to say that a quick jump to conclusion based on personal religious believes can mislead other people. A little research can make sense sometimes.

Here are my findings about divorce, dating and marrying a divorced person.

1. It is Not A Sin To Date & Marry A Divorced Person
For Christians even though Jesus, and St. Paul in the bible advised that a man should not divorce his wife (which is right), they never called divorce a 'Sin' (do your research please). Not everything that is 'wrong' is a 'sin' (eg calling someone 'fat' is wrong but not a sin). A sin is breaking of one of the commandments of God, and usually committed against God. 'Sin' is different from 'offense'. Offense is against a man-made law. Adultery is what is a 'sin', not divorce, according to the bible. Dating a divorced person is not adultery because she/he's no longer married before God and Law. There's a big difference between telling someone not to smoke because it's not good to health, and saying 'smoking' is a sin (against God). In the Bible, God de-commissioned Queen Vashti, and replaced her with Queen Esther (a teenager), after the former queen became a 'joke', and God sanctioned it. Please preach the 'Word of God', not your personal opinion.

2. 'Divorce' and 'Separation' Are Different:
Divorce means the marriage is over before God and man. Both people are legally & spiritually single again (all ties and bonds are broken). Even Bible allowed divorce if there is a 'proven' marital unfaithfulness. Koran has its rules for divorce too. Remember 'Marital unfaithfulness' can be both physical (intimate relationship outside marriage) or emotional unfaithfulness (non-intimate relationship outside marriage including one being more loyal to his/her pastor, friend, or boss than her spouse) . If a person says he/she is divorced, before jumping into relationship please see the official divorce certificate to avoid adultery. Remember if it's only a separation, the estranged spouse can always come back.

3. Church Can Annul or Dissolve A Marriage:
Most recently, some organized churches like the Catholic church have legal power to 'dissolve' or 'Annul' a marriage (treating the marriage like it never happened) depending on the circumstances between the couple and only if the church had tried all avenues and failed to reconcile to matter. A good example is, where both parties are AS genotypes and giving birth to 'SS' offspring, or one party contracted HIV, etc.

4.A Woman Can Divorce Her Husband In The Court:
In modern times a woman can divorce a man too, it's not always a man that divorces a woman. In fact, in most cases it's a woman that files divorce for her safety.

5. Major Cause Of Divorce Today:
In some cases, where there's divorce, if you trace back to how they started, the marriage was never meant to be in the first place. Somebody lied or manipulated his/ her way into the marriage for some selfish gains (money, fame, sex, power, traveling abroad, greencard, societal pressure, etc) and took what didn't belong to him/ her. If there's love, and the marriage was commissioned by God, there would never have been a divorce in the first place (No Offense to anyone).

6. Divorced People Are Not Bad People.
Divorce simply means two people are both different and couldn't live together because of deep irreconcilable differences. They may say things to demonize each other to win the case in court. Sometimes that's purely to get sympathy and win the case. Never judge from the media circus and one side's story. Usually, it's deeper than what we hear, and both parties played a role in breaking down their marriage.

7. It's Legal To Either Date or Marry A Divorced Person.:
Yes you can comfortably date or marry a divorced person (man or woman) and still enjoy peace, love and a very successful relationship. Mary was divorced because of adultery, yet Jesus forgave her and kept her as a close friend/follower. It all depends on one's attitude. If one's attitude sucks, it sucks even if one marries a single Prince or Princess, he/she will still turn people off.

8.There's No Ex In The Picture In Any Divorce Granted In A Court -That's A Myth:
Once a court grants a divorce, there's no Ex- to deal with. He/she is no longer in the picture, and can never come back except through another marriage. Therefore, there's no such thing as the "Ex coming back". A court shares everything and each party walks away with his/her share of assets and liability. It's permanently over, so think well before you jump in the divorce queue.

9.Not All Divorces Are Bitter
People can be divorced and remain friends. In fact, it is advised they remain friends especially if they have kids to raise. Not all divorces are bitter with a fight. Sometime two people can decide they need to let go of childish selfish passion.

10. Dating or Marrying A Divorced Person Who Have Kids:
You cannot love a divorced person who have kids without loving his/her kids. If you wanna date or marry a divorced person make sure you have good relationship with his/her kids too. Remember Kids can never be divorced from their parents! You are there, but they were there before you. You must co-exist & treat them with respect as 'house-owners' too. They are not your tenants

Divorce is not a 'sin', Adultery is. It's not a sin to date or marry a legally divorced person, as long as your conscience is clear you didn't cause the divorce. However, a separated person is still married until a divorce is finalized in court. So be careful and get the facts. Cheers!

Well, most people who interpret marriage just for sex may argue their sanity out on this. On the other hand, those who see marriage for companionship, will agree that true friendship can happen between an older man and a much younger woman, between a woman and a woman, and between a man and a man, and if they decide to live together in whatever arrangement that suits them most, who am I to judge. The most important question is 'Are they friends? do they love each other. Moreover, at 70 he probably has challenges with health, running errands, cooking, running business, even standing and walking. He definitely needs a younger, healthier person who can help him with all that, and definitely not a 70yr old woman who probably has health challenges too. Therefore, strategically, the 70yr old man gets attention and help, the young woman get's wealth & comfort. It's 50-50 benefits.

I just wish we Africans will stop seeing marriage just about sex. Does it mean an impotent man cannot marry a woman who loves him for companionship?

bukatyne: Uju, you hit the nail on the head

A lot of us do not know what true/genuine love really means.

I cor 13: 1 - 8 outlines it.

@OP,

Lover has always meant bedmate or se.x partner.

Your proverb can translate to 'marry your friend and not your se.x partner'

There are friends take stick closer than family members, that really love their friends and die for them. David and Jonathan in the Bible exhibited such friendship

But the word 'Lover' is from 'Love'. Are we finally admitting somehow that it's not a practical word?

Ujujoan: I'm not saying true love is only sanctioned in a church, I was only making reference to that scripture so you will have a better understanding of the kind of love required in a marriage.

Ok. I understand. Though I wonder where that kind of love can be found today...A rare blessing to find these days. sometime too I wonder why pastors and brothers who preach same Love in the church always marry the most beautiful out-going sisters, and not the k-legged prayer warriors who do the spiritual battles behind?.... I guess modern love can be 'channeled' to where ur mind is...

bigheart2013: ....hahahahaha! So why do people put in all these efforts...just to attract fake people in their lives?...using your own hard-earned cash to buy trouble?......

I recommend every African mother must read this story to her little daughter: "How A Lazy Trickster Married A Princess" - Chapter Seven on this book I found on internet - African Bedtime Stories (1).

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007NFLB5S/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

The lesson: Too high expectations and materialism erodes values. And you wonder why celebrity marriages crash within months despite all the wealth they seem to have...a Must read for kids..Values! values!! values!!!, people.

@Bigheart, I read the bedtime story too from the link you forwarded, but bear in mind that some good people can fall preys too...like married African men abroad going back home to marry young girls and getting them pregnant there, and lying to them about delayed immigration papers being the reason they can't travel abroad, when in actual sense they have families abroad. U see good people can fall victim too

mgbeketoto: Reason:. . . .THERE IS ALWAYS THE POSSIBILITY OF FINDING A BETTER MAN OR WOMAN after marriage!....The one FACT no one can control in ANY RELATIONSHIP is that PEOPLE CHANGE! NO CONDITION IS PERMANENT!...

I just made that point above but using a different analogy. Therefore, whatever steps anyone takes to identify a real partner who can at least last, is not a waste of time. From your very useful insights, I can tell you are very experienced with relationships. This LOVE 'thing' nawa...looks more like a 'bait' or 'catch word' to lure or catch a 'fish' (the innocent girl). I wish someone can list for me here qualities of a male or female friend to look out for...

carefreewannabe: ...What do you do when you are married and not atrracted to this person? At the end of the day, you share a bed.

I am referring to the above quote and concurring that you are right that people should marry people they are attracted to. and the rest of the emphasis was mine that I'd rather test for such a 'compatibility' before marriage than after 'marriage'. men will never tell the real reason why they dumped a woman after intimacy. They usually only come up with a nice story, as I stated, to justify it.

carefreewannabe: I'm with you on this.
The challenge is to find someone you are attracted to and at the same time are friends with.
I think many marriages fail or are unhappy because very few people are lucky enough to find both in one person.

@ those who recommend to marry a friend:
What do you do when you are married and not atrracted to this person? At the end of the day, you share a bed.

Wahala!! Yet someone wants to convince me that there should be no s*x before marriage in dis day and age when men will dump u once the 'thing' is no longer wet and tight for them... . It's better he finds out b4 marriage that mine is not good enough for him & find someone else than abandon me after marriage bc "..his pastor told him I am a 'witch'..." Lies!! Na who dem wan fool? We all know why they run to younger girls...

Efemena_xy: Actually, I don't even think @OP's example given here is a real surrogacy case.

Asking a young unmarried girl to get seeded by an older married man and then give up her baby to the man and his wife smacks of self-conceit, I'm sorry to say. The man should simply go get a second wife or divorce his wife if she can't bear to have a man take on a mate (new wife).

The situation would be more acceptable (my opinion), if the wife's egg is fertilized by the husband's sp.er.m externally then implanted via IVF into the surrogate mother. Now that's what I call real surrogacy.

Not a couple of Nigerian, Mgbeke wanna-be-oyinbo's feeling funky, trying to mess up a young girl's life.

But there's no one way to Rome. while IVF is most common abroad, where there's advanced medical fertility centers, it may only be affordable by the super-wealthy in Nigeria because the technology is not yet in Federal Medical Centers (FMCs) funded by the federal government, normally used by the lower and middle class. So this type I mentioned is what is very common in Nigeria irrespective of the financial status of the family. well, the catch is to convince a wife to permit her hubby to sleep with another lady to achieve that. Between that and her hubby divorcing her, or taking another wife, or even fathering kids elsewhere without her knowledge, you bet which is more acceptable.

mgbeketoto: ... ONCE THE MAN GETS MARRIED TO EITHER #1 OR #2. . .HE NEEDS TO WAIT FOR THE 'LOSER-LADY' TO FIND HER OWN HUSBAND. . . THEN RESUME THE LOVE TRIANGLE. . . WITHOUT GETTING HIS/HER LIFE MESSED UP! Married people should NEVER FOOL AROUND WITH SINGLE PEOPLE . . .AND VICE VERSA

...OMG!! I am rolling on the floor here.. . This is even getting more daisy than anyone could think. Somehow we are getting close to the root of why why marriages are hitting rocks - People are getting married to wrong people for reasons and qualities that don't last, Period!

Ujujoan: You are right, love is EVERYTHING . . .

The problem is that most people mistake lust for love these days, that's why they are advised not to marry out of 'love'!

Without love, a marriage cannot succeed . . . . but only REAL love stands the test of time.

On my wedding day, I read from the scripture where men were advised to love their wives the way Christ loves the church. So much more that he was willing to give up his life for our sake.

That kind of love does not come overnight. you can only build that kind of love with someone you trust and respect. Someone you value like a friend . . .

Well, well, well some people who were in love & wedded in the church to seal that love turned to worst enemies even hurt & kill one partner when things go wrong. Most times when things aren't going quite the way one party expected it to. Therefore the concept of 'True Love' is questionable today- so much faking! Except we accept most people don't know what love is n the first place.

Nashville: That is one of the best pieces of advice you can get. Love is relative. Our people say that two friends can share one plot of land peacefully but two enemies cannot share 100 plots without fighting. Friendship is what sustains a marriage. Some people claim they fall in love with people they have nothing in common with. It may just be the person is good looking or rich and that for them is love. A man may shower a lady with expensive gifts and she reciprocates by falling in love. It may be his good looks, voice, charm, charisma, swagger, baby face etc. But all those things do not make a marriage work. Friendship is key.

If your good friend call you that horrible nick name, you will probably laugh and insult him too and it ends there. If someone not so close to you does the same, you will fight like a lion. My point is friendship is what keeps you through the marriage. It is what makes you enjoy each other's company. It is what keeps you through the good times and tough times. When the reality and pressures of raising a family sets in, friendship is what sustains it. Whether you are living in a mansion or a flat, you would rather be with someone you can talk to and share common interests. By then, you would have been tired of the looks, charm, swagger. That is why you hear some people divorce due to unreconciliable differences. That means nothing other than we are just not friends. They could both be very good people but they may just not be friends - that is the meaning of irreconciliable differences.

I've read this several times trying to come to terms with the sermons we hear from religious men & women everyday about how “God is Love" & how that relates to marriage Vs ur explanation I almost came to the conclusion that secular (worldly) suggestions of Do's & Dont's of life situations are more practical & make more sense than religfious recommendations. So which do we follow - my pastor's or the counselor's?

I just read an experienced person advising a young but confused person on how to make a wise choice on a life-partner saying:

"..It'll work out as long as you marry your friend; do not marry your lover...".

Confusion galore!..LoL! I thought a lover is in love, and love conquers all (so they say), why would friends survive the turbulence of marriage, and lovers don't? Someone should help and explain this wise quote. For those whose marital 'boats' are sailing on very stormy water or even have sunk already, and for those who are torn between decisions now there may be a lot to learn from this honestly.

Please help explain this phrase in practical terms.

1. Who is a friend and who is a lover (what are the distinct characteristics of both)?
2. Why do friends survive the turbulence of marriage, and lovers don't?
3. Friendship and Love, which is more important in marriage?

Okay over to experienced wise counselors in the house...help us the JJCs..LoL!

bigheart2013:
African Bedtime Stories (1): http://www.amazon.com/dp/B007NFLB5S/ref=rdr_kindle_ext_tmb

Enjoy! Will search now and post more if I find any.

Thanks @bigheart2013. I downloaded the kindle version of the book from Amazon.com. Exactly the type of stuff I am looking for - Short stories for kids (moonlight stories). Will go search for the print.

No longer At Ease- by Chinua Achebe http://www.gobookee.net/no-longer-at-ease/

The Gods Are Not To Blame- By Ola Rotimi

[url]http://www.gobookee.net/gods-are-not-to-blame/ [/url]

Finding good books written by Nigerians documenting Nigerian culture, history, family, and folk tales, etc is hard to find in bookshops abroad. Please if you have come across a link of any good Nigerian book that will make a good family reading online, either on Amazon, e-books, please post them here. Please ensure it can be downloaded by people abroad (not in hard-copies). I want to expose my nieces and nephews to Nigerian culture and folktales; not always about 'Cinderella' & co.. LoL!

Thanks for your cooperation.

Please share yor family-friendly, environmental-friendly humor that happened in real life relating to family matters. Let’s bring some good laughter into the forum. Too much bad, saddening news lately. Please I plead you don’t insult anyone on this thread even if you don’t find them funny.

Here are mine:

1). A 46yr Old Virgin Aunt Advice

A woman invited a 46yr old Aunt to advise her 3 teenage daughters. In the course of the advice the 46yrs Aunt said “…you girls should emulate me… I am still a virgin at this age, and has never slept with any man, something I am proud of…”. You should see the frown on the girls’ face.

2). Indirect Talk To A Mother-in-Law.

Discussion between a daughter in-law and her mother-in-law:

Mother-in-law (sitting in the palour): “I thank God for my generation. We were well-raised, and family oriented. Girls these days lack character.”
Daughter –in-law (washing dishes in the kitchen): “Yes.. our generation will never visit a son and stay more than a month especially when his wife doesn’t like it.. we stay in our own homes” . Ooops! Mother-in-law just stepped on an IED (improvised explosive device).. LoL!

3). Saturday Revelation By A 6yr old Girl:

A six yr old girl was having a conversation with her dad in the sitting room:

Dad: “Who will you want to be like when you grow up?”
Girl: “I wanna to be like uncle ken”
Dad: “Who’s uncle ken?
Girl: “The one that brings lots of.….”
Mom: (cuts in interrupting her loudly from the kitchen ) “..Mary, can you come here now and help me and stop running your mouth this morning…” LoL!

4). A Little Boy’s Dinner Prayer
A little 7yr old boy fought his 9yr old sister. He was asked to leave the family dining table and eat his dinner sitting by himself, as a punishment. After their father said the family dinner prayer, the little boy’s voice could be heard from the corner saying: “..and thank you God for preparing this table in the presence of my enemies…” Awwww! His mom, moved by motherly emotions, rushed in tears and brought him back to the family dining table.

5). Don’t Play With A Grownup Girl Tying A Snake On Your Waist Please..LoL!

A 5yr old girl who apparently caught her big sister (Laura) ‘in action’ with her boyfriend (Josh) on the bed told their mom. “..Josh ties a snake on his waist (apparently referring to his huge male organ) and tries to bite Laura’s legs with it all the time, and she will be crying..”…LoL!. kids, kids, kids!

dominique: The couple on the thread below should do a DNA thread on the baby they're parading about. They may not be too shocked by what they find
www.nairaland.com/1207704/woman-delivered-25-months-pregnancy

Hmmm! My hand no dey o....LoL!

bebe2: Becos pple are gullible and will believe anything.

We need to learn to ask questions, ask for proof.

If I say I just received a miracle, I have been crippled since birth and now I can walk dnt go about broadcasting it, ask me to prove it. Were have I lived since, doctors report etc.

Always ask for PROOF!

Did you say proof of Mircale in Nigeria?..You will incite the church members who will hound you for insulting their 'Daddy' or 'man of god', abi 'god of men'. Women are even leaving their husbands because church 'Daddy' saw vision..LoL at a bunch of people with too much education but little reasoning.

debrief08: ......The churches are the worst culprits, promising 20000 babies, 70000 babies, instead of being honest with couples and advising them to try medical services God has helped our scientists discover they give them false hope and lead them to desperate measures. So many church "Miracle babies" are from this source,...... I have never seen a more religious yet lying, pretending and hypocricy full nation.

You are always soooooooo on point!!! Religion without Christianity is the bane of Nigeria. Desperation for everything in life..money, marriage, babies, wealth, titles, visas, fame, positions, etc...are we the poorest country in Africa? Our people are simply hypocrites, complacent towards evil and crime, which are now part of our culture...Mtcheeeww!

In recent times news have been awash about the booming baby-selling business in Nigeria, in the form of baby factories (baby farms, where young girls are quartered against their will and impregnated over and over by male impregnators and their babies sold for profit), illigal orphanages, baby stealing/ kidnapping rings, and now some married couple have gone into the business of producing and selling their own babies..wow! N-i-g-e-r-i-a!!! Often we hear about the victims and the perpetrators, but we never hear about those who buy the babies. If there's no demand, there will be no supply.

Few months ago I raised the issue of the manner, and style some mega churches in Nigeria patronize testimonies of 'Miracle babies'. In most cases (as in the case of a female pastor who gave birth to 7 babies in one year at Owerri) the DNA of these so-called 'Miracle babies'do not match their parent's. Moreover, some of the so-called mothers testify they were not even sexually active during the 'conception', and were warned never to visit hospitals for scans and checkups otherwise the pregnancy will disapear. They are simply put to trance and wake up to see a new baby beside them..LoL! Yet some avid religious bigots were too quick to rule it the 'power of the Holy Spirit'.

Since our governments are too corrupt to investigate, our citizenry are too gullible to believe anything from a 'man of god', is it not high time citizens begin to expose the evil that happen in some of our Nigerian churches rather than being naive about it? What's the point of being educated if we can't ask questions when there is need?

jidegirl12: OP I'm kinda confused with your thread

Are you bashing our country as a whole or should I ask what context is your question addressed ?

Not at all. I am not criticising. Who am I to criticize? I am nobody. my criticisms wont even get beyound my door. I wrote that thread because each time I open FB, everybody's wall is full of bible quotes, sermons, and moral instructions, etc and these are mostly by Nigerian friends. Friends from other countries don't post a lot of religious stuff...and I know these friends well, how they live their lives... I don't want to say anything on Nairaland sha..u get the point.

greatgod2012: but the question is so important because it calls for self-reflection.
Let us all reflect within ourselves the ways in which we have been just religious and not godly and make attempt to turn it around.
May God help us all.

You are very right. Honestly, sometime I find myself in a crossword. If I don't act religious I won't fit in with our Nigerian community. Yet if I am not a bit worldly, you know better I will be very depressed & frustrated here in USA (in terms of dressing, hanging out with friends, having a boyfriend, even lying a little to avoid being fired at work, if I came late or called off). Being a Catholic with very strict doctrines don't help matters. It simply means that I have to choose which way to follow or continue to pretend like most people...

A young Nigerian lady was bribing a college officer at Enugu to buy college admission for her illegally. She was confronted by her colleague and she said “I’ve prayed about this. This is my year of breakthrough. Nothing is greater than the God I serve, He will surely see me through.”. LoL!...

The FB wall of Nigerians is awash with bible quotes, sermons, etc. Everyone is a FB pastor (Even people I know whome they slept with last night)...LoL. If the number of sermons and Bible phrases fellow Nigerians post on FB are translated into actions, Nigeria will be one of the greatest countries in the world inhabited by 60% saints, 20% Angels. Yet who are these millions of Nigerians difficult to trust or work with?..LoL!

Less empty phrases, more character building, my people. Words only don't do a thing! Faith without action is dead!

Are we Nigerians just religious or godly?

Suprise! Suprise!! Suprise!!!. Suprised to hear this? Boyfriend and Girlfriend are still together. God knows what's keeping them together. Some things cannot be explained with words. I suspect there was a compromise btw 2 adults but not sure from whose side..the girl looks too serious to compromise on this. So this will remain a mystery. I heard there are other ways to get a man s.xually satiisfied, and squeeze stuff out without 'what you are thinking' !! Men, men, men!

jidegirl12: Lol... Keep lamenting o mo meme!

Sister, you are laaaaafing at me eh! You can imagine how many opportunities like this have come and gone, and also imagine if those opportunities were well-utilized, why should employment be a problem in Nigeria? I'm begining to understand why some people don't give a dime to anyone back home..

I am now Confuuuuuuzzzeeed!! Why can't simple things work in my country as they do in other countries? Thousands of lost opportunities and we are complaining about unemployment and poverty when u can't trust anyone or do business with anyone? . Should people really sympathize with our situation in Nigeria? Guuush!

aniffy4eva: ... Oya so how much will you pay me for these tips?

Thanks a milion times. Was wondering if credit card is widely used in Nigeria now for people to buy things online?