Facing the same prob here but i think am learning. more of this pls

Facing the same prob here but i think am learning. more of this pls

WOW!!!!!!!!!!! All of the responses so far have been great! It seems like everyone is encouraging me to sleep with this man. In other words in order to fall in love with him I should sleep with him? I don't believe in having two husbands so that is not an option. I am certainly not just "collecting" from this man either. I have never accepted money from this man in hopes that he does not think that I'm this kind of woman who expects to be wined and dined and don't "put out". I've known him for quite some time but I've finally decided to accept his advances. He is one of the most considerate and understanding men I know. It's just that when I'm around him I am not attracted to what I see physically. I'm sure all of you out there will tell me about myself after that comment but that is why I decided to seek advice.

I am not advicing you to jump into bed with him because of his advances. If you love him good for you but if its just to get that thing that will end up destroying you and leave you to start from square one then dont give it a second thought.

Why should give heed to his advances if you love then go ahead and marry him and you will have a lot of time to have sex with him.

Nice one richylaw

kconfused,don't worry, u will definitely get to love this guy after all he has done for u. i don't suggest premarital sex sha o. Sex binds two pple together and if u guys sleep together before ur wedding nite,u wont be objective in ur judgement

This occur mostly with women. They fall in love with the men that ends up jilting them and afterwards they will cry out loud for everybody to hear their cries. My advice to you is "follow your heart". There is no patching in marriage it is either you love him in sickness and in health or you love him till death do you part. You better decide quickly because by the time the guy ends up knowing that you really don't love him but his money then that would be the end. All women loves money and they cannot stay in 'surulere but in olounsogo'. And also do not pretend to love this guy if you don't love him. There are over a million ladies that is looking for a man to show them half of what this man has showered on you that you are throwing to the trash can. Na Naija we dey o no be Ame o. Iya ma je ori e for fun ti o ba se what is right.

From the tone of ur post, u are trying to eat ur cake and also having it the same time.
Firstly, you complained abt being attracted to wrong guys and here you are attracted to someone that treats you like a queen and you are still complaining.
Secondly, look beyond the physical and try to see the other good attributes of this guy, give him a chance.
Lastly, ask urself this question? WHAT IS TRUE LOVE?

Marrying for love or stability? In my candid opinion, whoever brought up this topic do not seem given us her own definition of what love is. From what she wrote she sounds to me that her understanding of love is the physical attraction, having said that , "though I enjoy time with him", but he's not physically attractive to me. This is my take on the issue:

1> Marriage is a long lasting relationship. It's supposed to be until death do us part. Therefore at a point in your marriage, the physical looks of your partner will no longer be as significant to you as it is now. Thus, why holding up a time-life relationhip because of something tempral, which is the physical look?

2> I am a man, and a straight man, and I love my "naija" sisters, I also have my own blood sisiter, who is in her early 20s and 400 level studying Microbio. I love her, and so I'll tell her the truth, the same truth I would say to my other Naija sisters. The truth is that stability is what love is. An unstable man cannot love a woman. He may say "I love you" but that kind of love cannot stand storms. True love must be proven by storms, how then can an unstable guy stand when storms come? AN unstable guy cannot be sincere too. Becuase he is unstable, he'll tell lies to cover up his instability. In addition,  a man that is not stable financially and morally cannot be a good husband. See what the Bible says, he says, "if a man cannot take care of his own household, the man is worse than an infidel", that such man has denied the faith. Thus, even in Biblical/Godly point of view, a man ought to be stable rather than just possessing physical charms.

3>I know few that have been deceived by the outward appearance of the man, married and in no time, the marriage hit the rocks. Because not all that glitter is gold.

4> I strongly advice our men to look their best. Believe me, I'm a man of a very good taste when it comes to dressing. My car, my house, my dressings and my shoes are all neat and tint. However, let no woman be fooled by the looks only. If you''ll marry "sista", make sure that man is stable morally and financially. Make sure the man has a job, or at least working towards something to make ends meet. and that he is God fearing. Stability defines a man, this is what it is to be responible, this is what differentiate boyz from men.

Girl, make up your mind or let my G move on. Don't keep him waiting for too long. There are retinue of ladies that are eager to make him happy. So give them a chance and tell us the story later. But try and smile then.

Settle for both !

kconfused dont be confused if you dont have any sexual feeling for any man dont marry him he will soon irritate you and you will be denying him sex and there starts problems, if you have no strong feeling for him look elsewhere.

We human beings are hard to please-you have guys who attract you sexually and physically but no commitment and this man who worships you yet you feel nothing but fondness.

The truth is that this is a no win situation -you must decide what your priorities are for your life-a man who adores you(whom you may or not grow to physically find attractive) or wild sweet short lived sexual attraction.

My story-I was dating a chap who totally loved me but I did not find him physically attractive but I realised that he was everything I wanted in a boyfriend.4 years later I got bored and moved on to "bad"boy,exciting boyfriend whom I later married. Do I regret it -Yes but at that time this "thing" was really the main deal (or so I thought).
I regret my decision but I think I would make the mistake again as then my vision was short term ,day to day happiness not family and children and companionship.
It's not too bad a marriage but it was the wrong choice.

Konfused if you have these issues let the man go!!keep him as a good friend .Then when you understand the long term realities of marriage if he is still free and available and wants you ,marry him.

@ olofinjeje. Great advice!!

@poster
i think this your guy must be very very ugly,thats why even with all his kindness to you,
you stll find it difficult to marry him.he might also be worshopping you due to his uglyness just to bring in first.
then when he traps you,his true colors will start to come out.(just supositions).
if you are a beautiful girl,forget this guy and ride.surely oneday you will meet the right person.
the beautity and the beast is just an ordinary fiction ,so dont try it in reality,
unless you want your kids to be very very ugly.

Whew!!!! I read all of your posts and everyone makes sense. The truth of the matter is I don't want to give him up. He has treated me with nothing but respect and has never pressured me into having sex. He does however try to draw my body closer to his and hold my hand and I tense up. He is not ugly just not my type physically. If I were to lose him it would definitely be painful. My family and friends love him and if it's up to him we would be married tomorrow.

Today he sent me a text telling me he loved me and I responded with  , I'm not going to lie and say "I love you too", that would be wrong. I think holding on to him in hopes of falling in love is not wrong but some say differently. What's up almondjoy? I missed your smart comments/ cybersleek- your comments are refreshing - mafolayomi/ it seems like you can relate sister.

I want to love this man and be a good woman to him but it's been about 8 mths and we have not yet been intimate. What in the world am I going to do?

Maybe it's time that I tell you guys everything that I've been through,

What do u really want? Have u been so so through hell?U have met someone that really loves u genuinely and yet you want to hurt him? What do Women really Want?

If u meet an attractive guy, its like "I dont trust him"

U meet a real guy who loves you, its like " He is not so hot"

U meet one who's attractive and loves u, its like " He's not so bucksed up"


How long will u keep being choosy, time is running out and some younger girls may take your place. Id advice you take time out to pray and fast so that some unseen hands dont rob you of a life time of happiness. You say you have met many losers. Have you taken time to ask yourself why. Could the problem be you? Are you too pushy? Do you look down on people? It doesnt have to be on them. I mean guys can really read who you are from the way u treat others or view others around you.

If you ask for my human view of your situation, I think you better go with this guy. It may be yo last chance.I dont mean to be harsh or be too assuming. You asked for opinions. Its my 50 shekels. Peace.

mellow:

A man never knows the value of what he has untill he losses it.

Just shine your eyes.[/color][color=#990000]

-------------And a woman too!!!!!

@kconfused.

I am not insulting you oh!  Just letting you know that you need to grow up and stop playing all these childish games of wanting to "have it all" with a guy you are not physically attracted to when all the ones you have been attracted to have all dumped you and moved on.

@romeo.

Been in Ibiza for the past 6 months---working.   I have 6 more months to go before I go back to "the" home base.

@ Poster
I understand completely what you mean.Although i think you are being childish about it.

I am currently seeing someone am not attracted to sexually.Hes fine and all that.Its not that
hes rich,but hes very comfortable.We both work in the same bank but diff branches.He nice and gentle and treats me with with all the respect .But the fact remains that i cant get myself to get intimate with him.

I know how it feels.Whether we like it or not,theres more to marriage than what we all think.Sex is as important as any other thing.If you marry someone you are not sexually attracted to cos it will backfire later in the marrige.If at least in the first few weeks and the fire isnt burning yet,theres possibility that you are just going to stay with the guy out of pity(and self pity).

Some guys should be kept as mere friends.Try taking your mind out of him and start seeing him as just an ordinary friend,you wil definitely feel better.[b][/b]Dont marry a guy you can`t express yourself with,sexually.

Your making yourself hard to get, when he actually eats the apple, will it be worth his while? _{I am trying to think here!}

If you like marry am, If you like no marry am. By the time you start eating your pounded yam in yam I no go dey there. We don to try for you. I don tire for u o. If to say I sabi this guy I for tell am make him lie down come call mobile police to unleash the dragon on am. For this kind age. Man don mumu o. Him dey lavish you with all kind of gifts and na hug and soft kisses you dey give am, thunder fire you! The guy na mumu, PERIOD!

I think is better you marry for both.Especially for love,marry someone that is redy to love and care
for you all through your lifetime.

May God deliver us ladies from the manipulations of foreign romance novels and Western movies that fill our minds with jargon!

I had a friend whose mum refused to allow her to read such novels when we were in the University and I found it strange but I know better now.

These books are responsible for making one think that  a man is your man only if you feel like 'jumping into bed with him immediately', our minds have been so messed up that many of us hang around  selfish men with nothing to offer just because he fits the macho figure potrayed in these books.

A man who is to be a husband gives your life stability,he impact your life positively with meaningful support in all aspect of your life- that is the actual meaning of the word from which 'husband' was derived from!

Personally, i would not marry somebody I'm not physically attracted to, even if she was an angel inside.
Reason: No guarantee that i will feel attracted to this person after marrying her. And most times, physical attraction helps in deciding how much a man can love a girl. _{don't know for women}.

@poster

I understand you a little bit because, most Nigerian girls find themselves in this kind of situation as a result of poverty and pressures from their folks.

1. Good physic + love + money._{very rare}
2. Good physic + love - money.
3. Good physic + dick - money - love _{what u have been into}
4. Good physic + money - love _{what u are looking for, maybe}
5. Not too good physic + money + love  _{what u are into}.

All the above mentioned situations has been a success stories and in some cases, failures respectively. Sometimes, it has to do with luck or God on your side or just determination.

But one thing is sure, we  can never have all.

@ poster
marriage is (or is meant to be) a life time committment. so I would be very careful getting into it if I were u. There is no reason y u should settle for less. If u do not find this man attractive how do u expect to put up with him in the not so good times e.g when he is ill as he definitely will be from time to time. Would u draw up a roaster for intimacy in the marriage? U have no reason to feel bad. Love or affection cannot be forced. we dont choose who we fall in love with u know. There is no need to go into something that u cannot sustain. If u are not attracted to him, let him go. u will surely find another.

@Damoche10

'By the time you start eating your pounded yam in yam '

Oh my goodness, you people will not kill me!

My response to Chinat and Ruzo's comments on this topic is;

1> How long can physical attraction sustain a marriage? If this man was physically attractive, will his looks always be the same for the rest of his lives?

2> ANd to my sistas, as much as sex is an integral part of marriage, physical look does not define how sexually active or satsifying a man can be. Once the man does not have full or partial impotence, I believe he's good to go.

I believe the most important thing in any relationship is mutual respect for one another, which of course is what love is. Love is not rude, it is not physical attraction, neither is it a way of feeling, or why does the strong emotional attachment suddenly erodes after one round of sexual activity? Forget these attachment on physical looks, this guy has got everything in a man, HE RESPECTS YOU and TREATS YOU RIGHT. Take heed this time and don't go fall into another jerks' hands, you've got no time kconfused!

The more time I spend with him the deeper I get. He's planning his entire future around me and I'm just going along with it. The reality of it is this man wants to give me everything that I need-- companionship, commitment, love and affection. I would be an idiot not to want to try and work on this. The fact that I think about him and enjoy his company should account for something. Who says that I should fall in love within 3 months, 6 months or 9 months. We are getting to know each other and that's a part of falling in love. ISN'T IT? It's almost a year and I can't say that I love him. If I had met him online and never saw him I'd probably be in love right now because of who he is inside, Do you think I'm shallow?

@topic,
They are both dependent on each other, So marry for both,

kconfused:

The more time I spend with him the deeper I get. He's planning his entire future around me and I'm just going along with it. The reality of it is this man wants to give me everything that I need-- companionship, commitment, love and affection. I would be an idiot not to want to try and work on this. The fact that I think about him and enjoy his company should account for something. Who says that I should fall in love within 3 months, 6 months or 9 months. We are getting to know each other and that's a part of falling in love. ISN'T IT? It's almost a year and I can't say that I love him. If I had met him online and never saw him I'd probably be in love right now because of who he is inside, Do you think I'm shallow?

Shallow?  No.  You just have major psychological issues that's all. I just want to know how you plan to get past his "royal ugliness"!   Just make sure this is not another one to add to your string of failed relationships.

kconfused, please explain to me your definition of Love? I mean the kind of love that consummate in sustained happy union, or let me rephrase my question, what are the defining charactersitics of real LOVE?

kconfused,

I want you to tell us the truth, Is he ugly or handsome? Cos I don't know what your definition of love is.

What are u looking for in a man that he hassn't got?

Why are u killing yourself?

If you know that you have no love for him then call him and tell him instead of pretending that you love him or hurting him.

Don't you know that you are hurting him?

When men maltreat women, you say he dosn't love you and now you are doing the opposite, WAKE UP GIRL.

Have u asked your mother for her opinion? If yes, we want to hear her view and if no kindly ask her and air it to us.

WE ARE WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!