What's missing in this conversation is that at the end of the day, the choice is the son's; he will choose who he will date or marry. All these debates about his mum are irrelevant and distracting.

@OP, does the man love you? Is he willing to defy his mother to marry you? These are the questions you should be asking. His mum is not really your business at this stage. She'll come around eventually if you keep treating her well, as a Christian should.

Good luck!

Dimples 316:

Haba Moremi! Is this true? You had me LOL at this oooh.

Yes oh! That's the gist I heard from those in the know. Dame Patience runs that ship and indirectly runs Nigeria! Apparently she sponsored the guy through school and everything.

beblessed: Romans 13: 1-5. When last did u read ur bible,child of God?

Submitting to authority has nothing to do with condoning corrupt, thieving politician. I obey all laws and pay my taxes to the appropriate authorities. Stop using the Bible as an excuse for supporting and perpetuating thief-thief.

jennykadry:

You dey laugh? Just type one line hiaa and you will see them present themselves here like the male cabal crew that they are.

Ndi ara

I think it's the same people changing usernames! The #1 suspect is that JohnDoe dunce.

velo10:

Your case is quite different and you should not be vexed. Maybe they found love, you can never tell

Which kind of love is that? The maid was only 14yrs old! She barely had breasts and was due to start school (Primary 4) the next month!

beblessed: Ok. But if u really are a christian, ur prayer should be dat God deliver all of us frm these wicked people. And i hv learnt nt to curse my leaders because there's a reason why God has put them there. A corrupt nation gets corrupt leaders.

My sister, please don't allow yourself be willingly put in bondage! In every developed country, if a leader misbehaves or underperforms, he/she is promptly removed! Leaders are elected to perform duties and they MUST be accountable to those that elect them. How can you say "God put them there for a reason"?! What kind of crazy slavery mentality is this? I have read my Bible and I find absolutely NOTHING like this in it! Please stop confusing Christianity with foolishness! Stand up for your rights and stop keeping quiet while innocent people are dying every day because politicians steal the funds for roads, hospitals and schools! Nigerians are human beings too and they aren't inferior to Americans or Europeans. If "God" gave the Europeans good working governments, then he must also give us good, decent leaders that will get the job done instead of stealing us blind!

beblessed: So u no dey sleep 4 night? Moremi, get a life pls! U are more than this. Jonathan is nt our problem ooooh. Open ur eyes well. Am not happy wit d way d country is but i know dat Jonathan is not our problem.

Different time-zone.

wow! you're really lucky! Just be more careful next time! Speedy recovery to your mum!

My mum hired an aboki as a security guard two years ago. He didn't steal but he ran away with one of our Togolese maids. They still haven't found the girl till today. Be really careful who you bring into your home; especially male domestic help!

Congratulations to the guy but I am not sure this is particularly worthy of an entire news article! I graduated with a 3.95 and was the only black kid inducted into Phi Beta Kappa in my graduating class. I didn't publish any of this in the news! Neither did any of the white kids who also graduated Phi Beta Kappa and went on to very prestigious graduate schools. We Nigerians need to just chill-out! Good grades + top graduate schools should be a matter-of-course, not an accomplishment worthy of breaking news!

beblessed: Haba,if i have nt being seeing ur posts, i would say u re juveline. Did 9ja problems start wit Jonathan? Have u asked urself where abacha loots is? Wat about d loots of babagida,obj, danjuma, otedola,bankole and d rest thievies of 9ja treasury? Wetin Jonathan do u? Yes, he is nt d messiah u expected but he is not d reason behind this caricature of a nation!

Abacha and Babaginda's looting is no excuse for a thieving sitting President. As long as Nigerians continue to condone an inept and doggedly corrupt government, then there will be no progress! We can't use the mistakes of the past as an excuse for condoning today's atrocities. To have this thieving family come and defile the Family section is an affront! They should have posted these in the Politics section and they would have heard MUCH worse! I have absolutely ZERO shame cursing out a thieving, inept and corrupt President. He must learn that the treasury is not his father's bank account!

warrior01: May almighty God who answereth by fire bless or curse Moremi2008 up to his children's children the way he blesses or curses Gej's lovely family. Amen

Hahahaha! You must be a paid stooge! Again, may God judge Goodluck Jonathan by the work of his hands! May the blood of the many children that have died because Jonathan and his friends misappropriated funds for hospitals cry out for vengeance incessantly before the throne of God! May the evil doers in Nigeria not sleep in peace and may their lives be troubled forever because they have robbed from widows and orphans! May every diamond or gold necklace Dame Patience has purchased with stolen Nigerian money choke her to death!

Please go back to report to your masters that Nigerians are fed up with the corruption and won't allow you to come enshrine and praise corruption on Nairaland! Run back and tell them that Nigerians are cursing them out loud and that God has ears and will listen. Go tell them that when Jonathan refused to say "Amen" to the anti-corruption prayer, he signed his own judgement at the throne of God. Go back and deliver this message.

warrior01: @ moremi, you're such an idio.t for making such a statement. What does Gej's family got to do with the frustrations going on in ur life? It's on record that five generations of ur family combined 2gether have not achieved a 1/4 of what gej has achieved and you're here pointing ur leprosy infected fingers at him as if he is the cause of ur problems. What a loser

Bloody sycophant! May God judge Goodluck Jonathan and his family according to the work of Goodluck's hands. Amen.

Chaos rains in dysfunctional countries! So much unnecessary tragedy everywhere!

drzed:


I feel for you. To start with, you need to develop a thick skin on Nairaland if you dare to bring your problems to this forum. Some people only come here to vent their frustration on others. You dont sound to me like you need pity or further abuse from people who dont even know you. What you want is help or advice on how to move on.

As for your specific problem, I am afraid that your life is passing you by. Almost half of it is gone in fact, since you are already approaching 40. But for your 4 kids, I would have said you actually wasted all your adult life with this man. If you continue to remain with someone who reduces you to tears on a daily basis, I hate to tell you this, but you are committing suicide s-l-o-w-l-y. It may just be a matter of time before High BP or something like that hits you fatally. God forbid.

Yes, you came from a broken home. But is that an excuse to be unhappy for the rest of your life? You owe yourself and your kids the highly probable chance of being happier OUTSIDE this man's life. If you remain with this man, it is not only you who will suffer it. Your kids will grow up worse off. There are countless stories of strong, sincere, hardworking and independent women who made it on their own, in the absence of a loving husband. In some cases it was divorce. Others are widows. Life goes on and being married (especially to a mean person) is neither the beginning nor end of life. And with faith, God will provide a caring man for you along the way.

Take the plunge. Dump him as soon as possible and God will be on your side. Define your future happiness and success according to your own terms. Fortunately, it appears that friends and relatives around you are only too happy to see the back of your wicked/hopeless husband.

So what are you still waiting for?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! And everyone thought the Cabal was bad? This one nah wire!

Don't be deceived! Not every foreign-affiliated bank is good. Ecobank is probably the worst bank in Nigeria. From what I hear, it's a relatively small bank with deep pockets that's run out of Togo and its services are not competitive with the best Nigerian banks. My mum had a domiciliary account with Oceanic she used for sending my sister's school fees to the US. The transfer was fast and efficient; my sister would get the funds on the same day or the next day at the latest. Once Ecobank acquired Oceanic, the transfers started taking longer and longer! It got so bad that she transferred $20k and the money took 9 days to get to the US!!! She was so pissed-off, she closed the account and opened a new domi account with another bank.

How can a bank that can't run basic international transfers properly, run a mobile payments system? Mobile payments systems are struggling with security issues in Europe and the US. How can they possibly work in Nigeria, the epicenter of Yahoozee? Abeg, better run for your life before your money disappears!

beblessed: hmmm,moremi, u hv just disappointed me with ur comments. why spoil another persons peace. everyone has issuses. am sure urs is mountainous in size. ur husband children are ur children! dat woman can be ur relative. you people act as if u dny come from families.God forgive u!

Spoil another person's peace? The same man that has destroyed the peace of mind of millions of Nigeria?!!!! Please don't vex me with your foolishness! Jonathan deserves whatever is coming to him.

tpia@:
is it easier to simply believe your own version?

not everything is straightforward like that.

remember the people involved arent yoruba, so it could be either way.

But you don't have to believe a word I say. Just chalk it up as internet gossip!

@ OP - You aren't telling us the complete story about your marriage and thus, nobody can give you any advice worth acting on! Please answer CC's question about the origins of the disaffection. Was it sudden? Or gradual? What is this nonsense about 5-yr with no sex and no cheating? That sounds incredulous; please provide more details about your super-man husband. Is he gay? Is he occultic and this is a condition given by his cult or jazz-man?

The most troubling hole in your story is the lack of specifics about what exactly he does that gets you so depressed and leaves you in tears. Lots of Nigerian wives get minimal romance or affection from their husbands, get nasty words regularly and yet have found ways to enjoy their lives and their children, especially after 18yrs. Do you have a job to keep you busy? There is definitely something more to this story than you are telling us. Nobody can give you good advice based on a very incomplete story.

tpia@:
i think someone said the kids are theirs but from a surrogate mother.

anyway, all this stuff isnt a priority- the man should straighten out all that's disturbing the nation.

LOL! And you believed it! They are Goodluck's! She had nothing to do with them. Their mother lives in Abuja too.

From credible insiders:

1) She wears the pants in that marriage. She slaps him when she's really angry
2) Those kids aren't hers! They are Jonathan's from another woman

I just wanted to get these out there before Nigerians get distracted with their PR romance and publicity shots! Don't be deceived! This family is currently robbing you blind of your inheritance!

michelin89: Thank you all for your responses, but I'm not a cold fish, just a little bit on the reserved side when emotions are involved. I agree I'm selfish and immature, but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I'm the first to apologise when I offend someone. But the few times I have tried to forgive people, they always came up with something worse. Maybe I didn't like them at first, that's why I didn't have any problem doing away with them. Anyway time is meant to help us grow and mature. Thanks everybody!

@moremi

Haba, I'm harsh, you too are harsh. Aren't you being exactly what I'm trying to get rid off? See the way you are trying to break down my person all in the name of bringing me down to Earth. I am not perfect but that doesn't mean I must welcome anything or anybody all in the name of being accommodating. If you are unimpressed, no problem. I'm nor here to impress here because the title doesn't say I'm Afraid I'm Too Harsh To Endure The Ups & Downs Of Marriage with moremi, so abeg chill.

LOL! I wasn't trying to break down your person. I was only trying to show you that a man can pick out your flaws and reject you too! If you expect to be tolerated, then you must learn to tolerate others! Nobody is perfect! We are all flawed human beings trying to make the best of this one, short, sweet, messy, challenging life we have been given on Earth. Nobody is asking you to throw caution to the wind! But putting up walls that are too high for anybody to scale will only serve to isolate you and make you lonely. Lower those walls a little bit and your true prince, much better than your first, will come scaling that wall to rock your world!

michelin89:

Thanks for repeating my original post. So what's your solution to the problem?

Uhm, not quite sure I understand the correlation between maturity and financial independence, but if you are talking about being responsible then I agree with you. I believe maturity has to come with the ability of taking care of our responsibilities.

Not really. I usually avoid saying certain things because I do consider the implication of saying things. You can't take what you have already said back and you can't laugh it off with "I didn't mean it" "I was just joking", but funny enough I'm of the few people who think this way. I'm blunt when I have to be and if someone behaves rudely to me, I won't think of the implication of my words, but tell them what they need to hear to know they shouldn't speak in such manner to me again.

I can and it's been like this now for some years. I can like/love a man without expressing these feelings. I just believe that love is a feeling that should be handled with maturity. I'm not romantic and I prefer to be reserved about my feelings for people. Besides when someone is overly emotional, they tend to act illogical. I just love Spuck from Star Trek. Emotions are the worst traits in humans.

I'm not a very outgoing person neither do I like going on date. I can stay single for as long as two years. It's not that I feel the need for a relationship, but if that ever happens, I want advice on how to handle it the proper way.

No, I didn't repeat your post. I only told you what you might not fully grasp: you can't possibly expect a happy marriage if you can't learn to live with flaws and learn to forgive. There is no solution to this besides therapy or God. You're in your twenties for chrissakes! If you can't figure out how to be more accommodating on your own, then nobody on this planet can help you. What kind of solution are you expecting that you don't already know? Are you expecting some type of manual on how to navigate basic human emotions and how to acquire basic interpersonal skills? No man wants to marry a cold fish!

Just out of curiosity, since your standards are so high and your "rational" thoughts have disqualified most of your potential suitors, what exactly are you bringing to the table? What I have read so far is very unimpressive and I can't imagine the possible grounds for your dismissiveness. Are you from money? Born and raised in Old Ikoyi? Do you have degrees from top international institutions? Work experience at a top IB, consulting firm, the world bank, Big-4 accounting or oil major? Or are you a medical doctor or a world-class scientist? What exactly makes you so freaking special? Abeg, tell us oh!

When I advised you to go live in the real world for a while, I made the tacit assumption that the real world would humble you a bit, teach you how to see human beings as the flawed creatures that they are and how to adjust your expectations accordingly. Nobody can teach you how to be forgiving and loving. If you can't do this on your own through the feedback loop of your daily experiences and interactions with other human beings, then no amount of advice on here can help you. Just remember this: lots of women start out like you, dissing every man that approaches them if that man is not perfect, hissing at this one and spitting on that one, only to later experience the desperation of 30+ spinsterhood. You better come off this nonsense "rationality" you think you have and smell the roses; your "rationality" won't marry you and keep you company! Neither would it help you build deep, lasting personal relationships with others. Again, good luck!

Busy_body:
Have been weighed down by a friend's MH issue but don't know how to proceed morally whether to keep quiet or scream out. I think her family has succeeded in removing her from here and dumping her in Naija, and why if not because of the perceived shame they feel she has brought them . . .

What is an "MH issue"? Abeg, share with us so we can advise. Good luck!

suggary: Nairalanders thanks for your comments and insults,well I almost got into trouble cos my friend fainted when she saw your replies.she exPlained to me dat this guy has asked her out when they were in the universit like 7 years ago and she never gave him serous tot till they met again this year and he started asking her out again,they gisted for two months before she agreed to go out with him but she never asked about the surname and age cos she tot she would know with time.she is out of the relationshiP now.

OMG! Your poor stuupid friend! You really shouldn't hang out with friends like this! You know what they say about birds of the same feather!

She thought because the guy asked her out 7yrs ago, that she didn't need to know his name and age? What is she? A bloody cretin? Shouldn't the fact that she met him ages ago but still doesn't know his name or age be disturbing enough for her to ask or investigate? God, please don't ever let me have a relation or friend this stuupid, IJN! Amen!

I know you're in your early twenties and think you're ready for marriage. Please, take this from me: you are far from ready! Marriage is a messy, life-long game of loving and forgiving. If you're not able to forgive a man for his perceived flaws or for his mistakes, then you are setting yourself up for a string of failed marriages because one thing is certain: whoever you ultimately marry will hurt and disappoint you at some point and you'll have to forgive, forget and keep working on the marriage. If you can't handle flaws and are intolerant of mistakes, then you shouldn't be getting married to anybody.

PS - I read and re-read your post and all I can infer from it is that you're still pretty immature. You need to go out in the world on your own for a while, maybe work a little bit and try making your own money. I used to be super-blunt and harsh but life taught me lessons and now that I am older, I am humble and wise enough to know that it isn't everything that pops into my head that I must say. I also get the feeling that you have never TRULY fallen in love again after your first boyfriend. You can't be in love and be "unemotional". Go out and allow yourself to meet more young men, date a few of them and who knows, you might find one that you'll fall in love with, one that will awaken emotions you currently think you don't have. Good luck!

I am surprised that this thread is this long when the answer is pretty obvious. There is no set time for proper courtship. Matters of love vary from case to case and there are no generic yardsticks for determining what's appropriate. Focusing on the length of courtship is misleading and could be dangerous. Why dangerous? It could distract you from focusing on the truly important things like character, personality, spirituality, history, expectations and life goals. One should court a partner for as long as it takes you to identify and verify these things. Unfortunately, a lot of couples (especially those that start dating very early) don't pay enough attention to these things because they have been dating for "years". They mistake compatibility for true agreement and it is only after marriage that they discover that the length of courtship is not very relevant to a marriage's success.

I know what I want in a woman and I have enough experience to instantly categorize women into "fun" and "for real" categories. If a woman is in my "for real" category, then she has checked almost every item on my list and I use our dating period for due-diligence to verify that my initial impressions are true, to observe how she reacts to different situations, and to find out more about her history and past. Once she dis-confirms any of the initial impressions I had about the key attributes I am looking for, she's out and I put myself right back in the playing field.

A man that is truly ready to marry does not keep a woman that's "The One" hanging around for very long for the sake of having a long courtship. Once he is sure he can't live with this woman, he puts a ring on it immediately, so she doesn't get away!

LOL @ this thread. Did you have plans to marry your sister for yourself? Or was the family planning to keep her around forever as an old maid? What kind of nonsense jealousy is this?

Ignorance will push men into terrible situations. It's no secret that Arabs are violently racist towards blacks. In fact, the arab word for black is "slave" (just Google the meaning of "abd"). The situation in Dubai is not much different from elsewhere in the Arab world. The major difference is that Dubai has an expat culture and you can live and work there with little overt racism if you have money and stay away from the native Dubai population. If you make the mistake of interacting with native Emiratis, you will encounter the traditional Arab racism, live and direct.

Dubai is a great place for a brief vacation but that's about it. If you must work and live there, stick to hanging out with the expats and you should be fine for the most part. Don't be surprised though if you get a whiff of traditional Arab racism from time to time. Whatever you do, please stay away from trouble! The Emiratis will not treat you the same way they would treat European or American expats! They will deal with you mercilessly and your useless government will do absolutely nothing to protect you!

A married man is not an adolescent. His wive's absence is not an excuse for sleeping with the housegirl without protection and getting her pregnant. I am pretty sure he would have done exactly the same thing if his wife was a full-time housewife. The woman needs to stop blaming herself for her husband's lack of self-control and weak moral constitution. Her marriage is still fairly young and she needs to consider her options without emotions. I strongly doubt that the young marriage can survive this so the woman should consider just chalking up her losses and walking away from the marriage. The lady is still young. She married a spineless man that does not respect her. It's time for her to move on.

ps - i suspect that this story is fake.

This boy is three years away from turning 18 and attending university. At this point, it's kinda-of too late to be sending the boy anywhere. For all practical purposes, you raised this boy yourself and he is never going to forget it. Start seeing yourself as his father because no matter what his real father does in the future, the real father can never replace you because children see and remember everything.

Above all, there is no good deed we sow into the life of a child that goes unrewarded, either by the child itself or by God. Just continue treating this boy like your son. God sees all and rewards accordingly.

stillwater:

Small boy, small girl romance. Still playing games at what age, moremi? After you will come and write 'Is marriage worth it for guys'?

@topic
Don't care as far as he's not a noisemaker or one of those Nigerian men that razz up the whole place in a bid to be real.

Hahahaha! You can't have a serious big-boy relationship with every lady you mess around with. Some women are just not marriage-quality so you date them for a while and keep it moving. Still searching for the right one! When I find her, my player days will be over.

Wow! This is a tough one. It's commendable that you're so supportive of her goals. 2years is a long time for a mum to leave her child but I have seen this before and everything worked out in the end (a family friend had to send her child to her mother's place across the country while she finished school in the US). As long as you both agree that her educational goals are worth the sacrifice, then you'll both get through this and be stronger for it.