₦airaland Forum

Since when did this divorce rape start happening in Naija?
I thought Naija was the last bastion for men in this world that is quickly becoming overly westernized.

Is divorce in Naija not as simple as sending her back to her father's house again?

MarieSucre:
Na you no get brain. See them feminist! A man and a woman has different roles in the house. A man is to provide for his family. If you cannot provide then what business do you have getting married.

By your very logic, I will now decree: Whenever you are pregnant/incapacitated/sick in your home, may you NEVER receive help with your wifely duties around the house. May anyone who tries to help you cook/clean/wuteva around your so-called home mysteriously become unable to, for as long as you are married. Not even house help. Amen.

Say Amen o!

Because if you cannot perform your wifely duties in your home by yourself, what business do you have getting married?

Yes, the decree has been heard above as it aligns with your mindset.

MissRaine69:
with a woman/man you once dated would you be ok with the union?

Sure why not?

MissRaine69:
You need four accounts
1. His own personal account
2. Her own personal account
3. An account where all the bills are paid from - you contribute 50-50
4. A savings account where both signatures are required to withdraw money both agree how much both put into this account monthly or every other month
What you do with what’s left over in your account is your business.

So basically same as mentioned in the OP.
Like this is such a common sense and stress-free way to go about it.

@MissRaine69
@Elder001
@pocohantas
@Rokia2
@TheNaijaMan
@WizAkzy

Thoughts?

postmann:
The fiance in the link provided is not a partner but a competitor. She's the worst thing that can possibly happen to a man.

A situation where the woman contributes half or anything close in the daily running of the family, spells trouble. It is far healthier for a man to out-earn his wife at least by 50% to have a truly happy home. And men should learn not to expect much financially from their wives, it's dangerous. Yeah, a little help once in a while when the ship hasn't ducked is expected but it should never be a month-in-month-out routine.

Let her financial role be complementary.

Competition is far from the word I'd use regarding that guy's fiance. Competition would even be good (challenging ourselves in a fun respectful manner to improve).
That one is a parasite (he builds, she consumes, and has no positive intention of contributing).

It is far healthier for a man to out-earn his wife at least by 50% to have a truly happy home

If the inverse of this is something your self-esteem cannot deal with, Then may you never marry a spouse that is richer or more successful than you. May she always be beneath you in all things!

nnamdibig:
Creating how man account??
To run a family where majority of parents earn less than 100k in a month?
The thing is most couple don't have enough for all these sharing as ordinary eating 3 meals in a day is a problem. And those who can afford it don't really have financial issues but other marital issues.

If the money in the shared account no reach,
then the couple is free to stretch it till 100% if they need to. That's totally up to them.

The suggested structure is flexible enough to be maintained both in feast or farmine.

postmann:
You haven't grasped what I'm trying to say... earlier, i said women complement, they have always done that. But for a man to have a preconceived notion of financial parity with his wife (or something close to that) in the daily running of the home... well, except the wife has no problem with that. But quess what, statistics point they do.

Oh trust me I know the statistics (that's why I created this thread), but that family will not peacefully survive come any major future financial challenges...because the other party was never mentally prepared to be part of the family in that way.
Then you start hearing of women "borrowing" their husband money to pay rent (for her and her kid)s, some sef with interest . Inability to "pay back" or not "paying back quickly enough" becomes another fight entirely. Brethren these archaic constructs are evil and unneccasary, furthering only a mandate of selfishness.

Both spouses need to elevate their minds to the realities of the times, and not just one. 2 cannot walk together except they be agreed.
Their choice if the couple decide to build a boat with holes.

A vehicle driving on the road (previous generation terrain) can have holes.
But when that vehicle needs to still be functional on the river (current generation terrain), it would be dumb to even try.


Men are not having these discussions with their intendeds early enough, and they need to.

E.g See how having "the talk" prior to marriage revealed the obsolete/selfish mindset of this guy's fiance https://www.nairaland.com/4552200/girlfriend-selfish-she-right
ASSUMPTIONS were being made that this woman sees "love" the same as him. You cannot build something as important as family purely on emotions.

IMHO men should filter out women who think like this and only consider enlightened women who think with reason. But to each their own! I'm just tired of seeing married couple arguing upandan over things that really should have been ironed out previously, as STRUCTURE.

postmann:
Feeling angry towards a LOVED ONE is not a reason to shirk one's responsibilities.

Good so then you believe in STRUCTURE.
Are you then saying that it is only the man in the marriage that should be beholden to FINANCIAL STRUCTURE?

Because if that is your argument....all the best.
May your business never suffer.
May you never loose your job
....and if these things were to somehow happen (God forbid), may you never be married to a woman that is "richer than you" and looks down on you and/or believes that money is 100% your issue and doesn't concern her.

Abi wetin we go talk again?

postmann:
Your stance about love isn't surprising, love in its true form has lost its meaning in this age. But without it, nothing worthwhile works.

It is that extra fuel that propels the human endurance to go further, to be selfless. Without it humans are no better than a programmed bot, or automated machine with a set of behavioural code for every situation. Love makes room for mistakes and perseverance.


Women have not always been idle and unsupportive. From recorded history, the average woman does her bit -- small-scale farming, weaving, etc -- to COMPLEMENT her husband.

The worrisome aspect is that most 21st century men are having a preconceived expectation/dependency on women to be a co-financial burden bearer. When you put that up against the reality that a lot men today are lazy and unproductive hence NEEDING a financial partner, the maths becomes easy to solve.

When a man knows and acknowledges he is responsible for his wife's upkeep, he works hard. Depending on his wife for major financial contribution all the way has serious consequences and they are evident in those climes you love to set as example.

You still not getting it sir.
I have already said that love makes everything sweet, but it should be the soft muscle that covers a hard skeletal system of structure underneath that keeps things going.

- So what then happens when they have no positive emotions for each other?
- What happens when these emotions you are talking about [temporary] fail?
- Why are you not addressing the actual financial realities of the late 21st century but are instead breezing it in a hand-wavy manner as "21-st century mindset"?

Speak from this perspective.

freecocoa:
Ad hominem ke? I don't remember having attacked your person or whatever, asking if you are married was to know if your suggestions are tested/trusted.


You cannot say, simply because a person wasn't working before marriage, means they'd wreck their spouse who was after marriage.

I certainly shouldn't.
but the thing about the human brain is that habits are best formed when you start something from the get-go in a particular way.

I mean, The couple could agree on the creed for future while starting out with one income...but the thing is, it is easy for people (especially nigerian women I have noticed) to be comfortable with the whole "not-generating-income" situation and whatever we are talking about in this thread will that way relegate itself into being a "forever future" plan.

Yes there are exceptions like childbirth, but I find a lot of our women over-extend that phase....and eventually even start arguing why they should even be involved in financial contributions years later when the habit of "not being involved" has already been formed.

That is why, neurologically speaking, it is better if the couple start things off in a structured way right from the get-go.

EfemenaXY:
@op nice write up especially for those intending to wed / new starters. Not many newly weds knew these in my time.

I don’t agree with your 2^nd point though because there are situations where the woman earns way more than the man e.g 90% more.

Does this mean that in order for the man to be a real man, he must spend 70-80% of his meagre pay footing the bills? I don’t think so.

I don't agree with it too sis , that's why I put "a man" in parenthesis as this is a Nigerian forum
Personally I hate all those "a real man" talk myself (in a world where CFOs/COOs of gigantic companies are women!!)
Ideally it is left to the couple to determine the best starting percentage, but for the average similarly-earning couple things should be as close to split as possible.

Increasing his own later can be a direct (AND VISIBLE) way to communicate to her that he wants to make her feel comfortable as some women have their ways.

The VISIBILITY of this gesture (percentage change) is important because, from personal experience, some women tend to easily forget the good things their men do for them and only hang on to the negs during low emotional periods. As in, due to no fault of hers it is sometimes just beyond her ability to remember at that time as thats how her brain works. It acts as something of a reminder that she has a man that is trying.

postmann:
I appreciate your opinion on how you believe the financial structure within a marital setting should be placed. I see it as a personal opinion that might not work for everyone. And again, you downplayed the role of love, relegating it to the least required in a marital buildup. I think you're flat out wrong here. Everything -- intentions, gestures, understanding, is built on love.

Lastly, I'm disturbed with the mentality of most 21st century men who have developed a preconceived mindset of financial expectation/dependency on their partners before or during marriage. What happened to the good old gentleman who knows it is his responsibility to provide for his family and doing such doesn't give him an undue edge over his wife irrespective of the economic challenges?

I see people not liking that I put love as number 4.
Here is the thing, love is an emotion. Emotions are like the sea. They rise and fall. During it's rise, it augments everything and makes all things sweeter, but during it's fall it wipes everything out. This is where STRUCTURE comes in.

Emotions are like a muscle. A Muscle without a skeletal structure to back it is a muscle that is sometimes impotent. ( Imagine if your arms worked like joysticks! )

It is these structures that keep the family operations together when +ve emotions aren't all that high between the couple.
This is why every establishment that has ever stood the test of time has "A Code" or "A Creed". It is a matter of sustenability.

On a side note, and totally unrelated from this topic.... Another example of a well recomended family creed would be "No matter how mad we are with each other, we do NOT let the sun set on our anger". Some people have woken up in hell because of that particular one...
But I digress. My point is, structure is needed for times of low emotion to keep things going as they must. And everyone must be commited to the Creed for peace of mind.

Lastly, I'm disturbed with the mentality of most 21st century men who have developed a preconceived mindset of financial expectation/dependency on their partners

This is what kills men today. An inability to adapt to current realities.
If you have any plans of living anywhere else besides Nigeria, I humbly ask that you reconsider your disturbance to this 21st century mindset.
That said not even Nigeria is safe from this.

All societies are being setup in such a way that most homes may require income from both spouses. When that time comes, that is not the time when you want to start having that conversation with your spouse. Many men have falsely entered marriage with this mindset and are paying for it right now, while their wife considers finance "not her business" while she shovels and hides her own money to the detriment of the family, talking about "Remove your eyes from MY money. Go and find how to pay all the things you've been paying without me" .

Again, this is what happens when you place emotion over structure.

Fellas, No be only you waka come. Stop digging your early graves with this obsolete way of thinking. Put structures in place as soon as possible.

ChiefAzubuike:
A man who complains about any physical feature of a woman isn't fit to be called a man.

Shut the actual FAWK up.
I believe a similar vice versa thread was created earlier.
The girls were going in on dudes.

Now it's time for the other side to say their own and then some idiotic cunt has the nerve to make a tired old "real man" statement like this?

Naaah you're gonna sit back and listen. Grab a chair bitch

nnamdibig:
Creating how man account??
To run a family where majority of parents earn less than 100k in a month?
The thing is most couple don't have enough for all these sharing as ordinary eating 3 meals in a day is a problem. And those who can afford it don't really have financial issues but other marital issues.

Not everyone is broke, but that doesn't stop married couple from arguing about money.

freecocoa:
You are suggesting something you don't know would work, why then should we take what's up there seriously?

And FYI, ain't nobody gat no beef with you, we are allowed to disagree, so take it down a notch, but if not, I can play kwa.

Nobody has beef with you either.

Again, if you have an actual objection or if what was written doesn't make sense to you, how about you open it up for conversation and quit with the ad hominems?

freecocoa:
Oga park well.

What's all that one?

I'd just like to know how you came about the conclusion, the above listed 'suggestions' would actually result to a stress free life regarding finances after marriage.

Madam drive straight

What exactly is your objection?

freecocoa:
OP are you married?

That's clearly my business.
You need not know whether or not I am married.

If you have an actual issue with any of the listed best practices, go ahead and air it out for further discourse.

It is said that finances are the number one cause of fights in marriages, some of such fights leading to divorce sef.
Personally I feel these things should be common sense, but unfortunately, people tend to focus on the wrong things i.e "love feelings" when starting out a family that they fail to put the necessary structures in place.
Here are my suggestions to couples who want to have a stress-free life regarding finances-after-marriage...

#0) You better have married a spouse that was working when you met/married them.
Brothers an sisters, You are not here to alleviate the poverty of an idle person, but to run a family and BUILD a lineage with someone.
You cannot be building while the other one is tearing down without replenishing. This is the 21st century. Girls, stop marrying idle bums. Guys, Stop marrying idle thots (I say this with total respect due to real women out here making it happen for themselves and their future families).

#1) Set up a family checking account
Set up a bank account for family affairs where a certain percentage (e.g anywhere from 60%) of everyone's income goes into.
From this account family expenses, house expenses, school fees and family savings will be handled.

Men: If you want to be "a man" about it, maybe 70% - 80% of your income can go in there while only 40 - 50% of her own goes in as women tend to do more of certain things around the home anyway....but BOTH must feel the burn of financially supporting the house. Otherwise, abuse is tantamount (why be fiscal when money is his problem?).

Not having these numbers DEFINED from the get-go is also tantamount to abuse. Any intended change to your percentage contribution number different from the starting numbers should be totally at the discretion/sole-acceptance of the other party. If you want to change your contribution, your spouse agrees whether you can change or they refuse. Totally their choice. Note that this is regarding the PERCENTAGE of income, not the number itself. This will save you from several arguments in the future.

Feel free to adjust as you see fit, but these rigid structures set as you enter the marriage are great starting points for order in said marriage.

These things can be automated.

#2) Set up a family savings account
Anything above 2-3 months of the usual CORE family expenses from the family checking account go in here.
No one can do anything with this money unless both couple sign off on it. Instruct the bank about this constraint.
(of-course, dead-human switches should apply with such constraints)

#3) Each should have their own private checking account
This is where the other un-contributed money goes to for each party.
Here, do whatever you want with your money. It should be no-one's business.

E.g Use this to buy gifts for your spouse and take him or her out on dates....yes I said HIM or HER. Either spouse can take the other out on dates, not just the man.

This is also from where one spouse can choose to give monetary gifts to the other spouse.

Ladies: ...No. "Borrowing" your husband who is currently without income money to pay the rent is NOT a monetary gift. Put that thing in the family shared account. It is you supporting your family. No be only him waka come. 60% of (temprary) zero is zero. He is still fulfilling his end of the agreement.

#4) Love each other
This comes last because emotions (including love) must come AFTER logical structure set in place otherwise you cannot build.
Building on emotions is like building on quicksand. Ko le werk!


- 2BuffAgain aka 2Buff

Be true to yourself and to things always.

Why put that stress on yourself?
It is not a crime to not make JAMB cut off.

Hopefully this will be a lesson to help you realize that lying is never worth it.

This will give you financial peace in marriage.

ImaIma1:
Hope you have a car too.

LOL who do you think you're talking to luv?

It is said that finances are the number one cause of fights in marriages, some of such fights leading to divorce sef.
Personally I feel these things should be common sense, but unfortunately, people tend to focus on the wrong things i.e "love feelings" when starting out a family that they fail to put the necessary structures in place.
Here are my suggestions to couples who want to have a stress-free life regarding finances-after-marriage...

#0) You better have married a spouse that was working when you met/married them.
Brothers an sisters, You are not here to alleviate the poverty of an idle person, but to run a family and BUILD a lineage with someone.
You cannot be building while the other one is tearing down without replenishing. This is the 21st century. Girls, stop marrying idle bums. Guys, Stop marrying idle thots (I say this with total respect due to real women out here making it happen for themselves and their future families).

#1) Set up a family checking account
Set up a bank account for family affairs where a certain percentage (e.g anywhere from 60%) of everyone's income goes into.
From this account family expenses, house expenses, school fees and family savings will be handled.

Men: If you want to be "a man" about it, maybe 70% - 80% of your income can go in there while only 40 - 50% of her own goes in as women tend to do more of certain things around the home anyway....but BOTH must feel the burn of financially supporting the house. Otherwise, abuse is tantamount (why be fiscal when money is his problem?).

Not having these numbers DEFINED from the get-go is also tantamount to abuse. Any intended change to your percentage contribution number different from the starting numbers should be totally at the discretion/sole-acceptance of the other party. If you want to change your contribution, your spouse agrees whether you can change or they refuse. Totally their choice. Note that this is regarding the PERCENTAGE of income, not the number itself. This will save you from several arguments in the future.

Feel free to adjust as you see fit, but these rigid structures set as you enter the marriage are great starting points for order in said marriage.

#2) Set up a family savings account
Anything above 2-3 months of the usual CORE family expenses from the family checking account go in here.
No one can do anything with this money unless both couple sign off on it. Instruct the bank about this constraint.
(of-course, dead-human switches should apply with such constraints)

#3) Each should have their own private checking account
This is where the other un-contributed money goes to for each party.
Here, do whatever you want with your money. It should be no-one's business.

E.g Use this to buy gifts for your spouse and take him or her out on dates....yes I said HIM or HER. Either spouse can take the other out on dates, not just the man.

This is also from where one spouse can choose to give monetary gifts to the other spouse.

Ladies: ...No. "Borrowing" your husband who is currently without income money to pay the rent is NOT a monetary gift. Put that thing in the family shared account. It is you supporting your family. No be only him waka come.

#4) Love each other
This comes last because emotions (love) must come AFTER logical structure and boundaries otherwise you cannot build.
Building *purely* on emotions is like building on quicksand.

This is why we only date girls with cars who are well off.

Poverty mindset will kill broke females.

Deek

Elder001:
My wife is a lawyer.
My dad is also a lawyer.

No Nigerian judge on earth can make me to pay child support because I'm a constitutional man.

That's it.. I'll never allow any woman to use me as meal ticket because of children.

If she can't part custody then she'll take care of the child alone.. it's that simple

If the court order me to pay her any money for the child's upkeep, I won't and nothing will happen.. The judge should quote the section of the 1999 constitution or the 2011 amended parts where he/she saw child support legalization...

they'll be the ones to beg me later... if the woman sees that she can't take care of the child alone ,she'll have no choice but to part custody.


I remember in 2016 my uncle's wife filed for divorce and the judge ordered him to be paying 56k monthly child upkeep.. As a constitutional man, I stood up and asked him Your Honour; Can you please remind the court the section of the constition where the federal government or the national assembly legalized child support?

he became mute.. I asked him another question

Your honour; should this be a voluntarily order or a compulsory order that my uncle must pay that money monthly and mustn't default?

he couldn't quote the section of the constitution where child support is inscribed!


In the end the woman, her family and the judge started begging my uncle to at least consider giving her something but he refused... the judge had to grant him custody

Bros I hail!

Naija cannot give way to divorce theft as now rampant through-out the world.
It is a terribly unfair practice.

smeag0l:
Mine didn't even do up to this before I ditched her. She got a contract bank job and started telling me that her slary will not be enough for her and that I need to support her financially. I never called her again after that conversation. I'm in search of a new bae now

Now that's what you call Self-respect.
More nigerian guys should follow suite when met with unrealistic demands such as this.

What a lot of Naija guys don't see in scenarios like these is the indirect-but-blatant threat the girl is making i.e "If you don't give me extra money
I will be forced to suck random cawk for sustenance". Thots need to be left alone and used purely for sex to be summarily discarded afterwards. It is the only way they will learn.

This is actually a VERY common mindset among nigerian females.
EVEN the ones out here in obodo oyinbo where that kind of mindset especially wouldn't work.

It is why a lot of them are still single, wretched and miserable.
They are waiting for some fool with a penis to marry them so that they can quickly quit their job and become utterly useless to the man and to themselves, requesting for pad money every week. Disgusting filth.

Especially the ones who insult the bible by using this HELPER line...from what I know of this type of women, they are incapable of thinking for themselves and usually just go off by whatever someone else besides their husband tells them to say and act. Which means SOMEONE is telling them these things....

I've come to understand that, among other sources like bad friends who deceive them, these lies are also being perpetrated by a sadly huge amount of African pastors. Some ginger these women with all sorts of lies and delusions to keep them single and continually seeking for the lie they've been told to expect, which means more "sacrificial offerings". And that is how a female incapable of applying her own brain to a matter will come and be talking these sorts of nonsense with so much confidence because she has been deceived that her selfishness/laziness is indeed the right, "holy", and expected way that only a "real man" will appreciate.

VERY RARELY IF AT ALL will you hear a church speak on Proverbs 31.
It is only a woman who reads the bible for herself that gets sense. Most just blindly follow whatever "pastor" abi "daddy" says.
Meanwhile "daddy" just wants to be surrounded by young nubile devotees for as long as he can!

Some of you reading this might be going "no thats not my pastor" But see, Sex may not neccessarily be involved, but it does wonders to a man's ego to have so many (clueless) females around him (that he controls) calling him endearing names . These things become less so when these females get actual sense and become married.

Colourich:
Coward!

Typical brain-dead female response when they have no other logical addition to a discussion regarding why men should do something for them for free.

So tell me, why should a female deserve 50/50 with a man's property when she didn't create or earn it?

I certainly agree.
ESPECIALLY for guys who, for the most part, do all the work.

folake4u:
Hmm, how can one tell?

It's easy. Comes with experience.
Look at the unnatural curve from ass to straight legs.
The thighs do not match the ass

looks like plastic surgery.
The thighs and the ukwu don't match