₦airaland Forum

Hmmm, I am curious.

Every poem has its purpose, a message, a goal set out to achieve. This is guided by its topic. If at the end of your poem, you haven't accomplished that, then your poem isn't complete. If you need to interpret your poem before it is understood, then your poem is obviously lacking.
In our attempt to make beautiful poetry we shouldn't lose sight of what is important. Which is getting read and being understood.

Mynd_44: No you are reviewing poems which makes it better suited for "Poems for review".

you've made your point. So, how do we correct this error ?

My apologies for the long delay. I was out of town and sadly out of cell coverage. I am currently on my way back.

Scorpidmo's Female Circumcision.
"Pools of red"? So vivid. I couldn't help feeling like I was present watching all the action (Circumcision). If I hated the action, now I loath it.
What I didn't Like.
Your poem needs improvement the area of punctuation. This makes it a bit difficult to read the poem comfortably.
Also you made use of 'i' instead of 'I'.
I noticed your poem's first word has its letter in lower case. Same with all the first words in your stanzas.
What I liked.
I liked the way you portrayed the event. Its almost like you lived the experience. You did well (especially for a guy).
I loved this part "mama whispering songs and praises", sought of like a faithful shepherd leading his sheep to the slaughter house. Your poem also highlights how man (woman) is enslaved by his culture and brought to conformity. And how the vicious circle continues from mother to daughter, to daughter to grand daughter on and on.

Kennikazi's I am Guilty of Murder by Default.
I'll try to be as straight as possible, you could have done much better than you did with this topic. Perhaps this isn't an area suited for you.
What I didn't Like.
Use didn't make use of imagery, i didn't feel this poem (I am being straight with you). It was flat.
Also I couldn't get the angle on your poem. I know its easier to criticise than write but someone has got to say it.
What I liked.
The correct use of 'I' and proper punctuation.

D-hammer's Female Circumcision.
What is most noticeable in your poem is your system of narration. Getting three perspectives is really appreciable (a touch of genius).
Its gives us the opportunity to assess all the point of views (nearly free from bias).
The old woman's perspective helps us understand the old cultural ways, while the blade's perspective provides a strong imagery for the readers and the girl's (victim's) perspective provides the insight in what goes through the minds of the victims and their cry for change.
What I Liked.
Its a balanced poem (my opinion).
What I didn't Like.
Don't know whether this should be a dislike but your writing technique is a "free verse". This makes it rather difficult to read.
Oms's Rapture
your poem is very descriptive and your imagery is pretty nice. Your diction, also admirable.
I like this lines "doubt is murdered" "Jill loses Ben". It paints an almost 'perfect picture' of what would happen when/if Rapture occurs and the crazy thoughts that would creep in their minds.
What I didn't Like.
Your poem ended rather abruptly. I'd have preferred you exploring more into the subject "Rapture". Like the aftermath, and destination, even if you make it mysterious. The more the mystery the better. You left me with the questions, Raptured to where? What happens to those left behind?
Plus your poem didn't capture any emotion of the subjects in the poem. Like where is the horror? The jubilation?
Badmusace's Rapture.
Your poem's account of Rapture is somewhat inadequate. The last two stanzas (for me) made the most sense and related well the rapture.
Your work is promising and I believe with more time on your hands you'd have done a lot better.
What I liked.
I liked what you did in the first three lines.
What I didn't Like.
Your poem's title is rapture but it 'seems' like a poem about the end of the world. That's why I preferred the last two stanzas. They center more on Rapture.
Irshittabey's My Alter Ego.
I consider you poem as lite, your diction is simple, little or no word play. This makes it easier to read for an average reader but a bit boring to poet 'freaks'.
There isn't really anything surprising to look out for, no serious application of Imagery, irony and its like.
It tells us about "Your Alter Ego", but I really wish you made it more poetical.

Shugamania: Hi there ay, i really appreciate this review. There's a part of the poem i deleted after uploading cos it seemed too long to me, Maybe that part would have created d link with water.

Now, to my excuses..

The poem i submitted is actually like a rough draft, i jst wrote down d thoughts in my head at d time and intended to work on it before i submit...but i couldnt, for reasons i cant disclose here.
Coupled with d whole design trouble, I almost opted out sef, i eventually submitted a few minutes to the deadline.


Well, am learning..
Thanks once again, i'll love to see more reviews if u have d time.. pls check out my other poems.

I'd love to. We are all learning , and glad you didn't opt out. Its worth the experience.
I understand the effects of time constraint on proper delivery. I faced something similar.

princesa: okay, but lets make it later, let me put myself more into perspective

okay. Take all the time you need.

badmusace: Nice one bro
Will be waiting for others

thanks bro. .

Mynd_44: Why is this in Literature/writing?

Its a critique, a write up about literature (poetry). Its not poetry.
I can't think of a better place to put it.

princesa: yet you say you did only a crash course in literature, well dude, you are proving that wrong and are doing excellently well with the review


so about my poem, can i defend the flaws you mentioned you saw in it?

Thanks . Yes! you can, the floor is yours.

For all interested in my critique on the poems in round 2, please click the link below.
www.nairaland.com/1420387/critique-poems-featured-nairalands-poets#17808694

For the poems visit this link www.nairaland.com/1402354/nairalands-poet-competition-season-2

I'll update the my earlier post as I proceed.

A Critique of Some of the Poems I have read.

Before I start I'll like all concerned to know and respect the fact that this is MY opinion and you are free to think contrary. I am no professional, I am just trying to help out where I can.
So here we go .

Russigin's My Alter Ego.
This topic (in my opinion) isn't exactly hard as first glance but presents a difficult task in terms of translating into words to create a perfect picture.
What I liked.
The way you presented your alter ego as if it was your tender lover, and yet one who was strong hearted and somewhat cold.
I also liked your play with words, such as "amigo, Incognito, shoe and shoe laces.
What I didn't Like,
In your poem there wasn't really a wow moment or anything out of the blues. One that leaves an impression in the mind of the reader.
Plus your poem seem to lack continuity, in the first stanza, you described your (second stanza: line one) alter ego as "it was created with the original me" and in the eight (final) stanza, line two "we met by chance".
Typographical error?
Stanza four; line one, "who wouldn't WEEP my tears". At first I thought that was intentional but the subsequent line proved me wrong. "instead would cry with me...". To WEEP, is to morn or cry over something. So I am guessing you meant WIPE, which means to dry.

All in All your poem was nice.

Shugamania's Two Hours to Live.
Your poem started out like its subject matter was 'water', which had me a bit confused, reading further (stanza two) brought more clarity.
As I read your poem I couldn't help asking myself if it reflected what we'll really do if we had Two Hours to Live. The answer wasn't encouraging.
What I liked.
I liked the use of the word 'reaper', it sends the image of the hands of death approaching. Thus re-enforces the theme.
What I didn't Like.
You didn't explore the the death well enough (my opinion), and also didn't play with words to create a perfect imagery.

Princesa's I am Guilty of Murder By Default.
The possibility and direction of this topic is endless. And I must say, I love where you took us.
What I Liked.
I liked your play with words, your imagery is beyond doubt excellent (no flattery).
What I didn't Like.
Nothing much, aside from the use of 'i' instead of 'I' in the concluding parts of your poem.
Also it ended rather abruptly (my opinion).
I would have loved the character to have been portrayed as feeling guilty and yet acknowledging the necessity of her action and willingness to do it all again ( I am not a hater of remorse but there is an attraction towards venturing into the dark side of poetry. Who better than You to explore it).

Jackbauerballs's Rapture
The first thing that captured my attention in your poem is "I missed the Rapture". That alone demanded that I adjust my sitting position to pay more attention.
Your approach to the subject 'Rapture' is definitely unconventional and I liked it. You weren't afraid to explore the 'dark side' and you did just fine (hope you don't get left behind though).
You portrayed those left behind as 'Kings' and reaping the fruit of 'Freedom'. When in fact they are slaves to the pursuit of freedom and their perverse desires. And if anything freedom is the last word suitable to describe the post-rapture years.
You did little to build in the mind of readers detailed pictures of life in the the era you speak of. That would have been more appreciable.

She-blayze's Letter To My Future Husband.
Wao! First thought in my head, really long poem. That's what I noticed first. I believe you could have made it shorter and yet achieved same or better quality.
Its a nice poem, you did justice to the topic. I would have loved to see an ounce of jealousy in your poem, wondering who he is with?, planning your future with him like kids do.

I'll provide my own critique of every work as soon as I am chanced (that includes you Princesa ).

Rocktation: Oh I was judge 4 in the first round and 3 in the second by the way and my favs include Father-less, Falling off the cliff, Screaming Silence (don't let me go), The feeling game, From the fathers, Scorpidmo's Female circumcision, Orin aro, Classicdea's My alter ego, Jackbauersballs's Rapture and Tim Packer's Hapless seductress.

The Feeling Game? Wow! That's mine. I wasn't sure of that one. Thanks for seeing the sparkle in it.

[quote author=Tgirl4real]I still remember "Forbidden Vitality" by ayd91, only God knows where Cuddle got that from. The topic alone already gave it a twist and the graphics was on point - an apple with thorns. lol Good one!

Thanks.
That's the Genius of Centje giving words life.

Congratulations Timpaker, now you stand on the pinnacle of Nairaland's Poetry Corner. .

princesa: Thanks to the organizers and all the judges (xcept the famous Judge 1 offcourse, who was determined to keep dishing me the '9 variants that i so hate! ) I say thanks to all of you, for your time and effort...

And For those who read my poems and gave me feedback on what they think about it...i love you all

To My designer and friend, onegig...you know you're the best, right?

my friend again, ayd9...its being a while dude, guess you gave in ur all and came out better, well guess what, we tied! Ironical hunh?

and offcourse, humbled, cuddles, uj-sizzle, tgirl, mynd, shuga, thank you all

and so...


On to ...forever after!

hey Princesa, I guess we did. Is that a sign from up above? Lol. Even though I didn't win, I console myself with the thought that I share no5 with 'Princesa' .
judge 1 of round 2 also rated me low. I'll like to know why?;(

This competition is really interesting. Lots of nice poems. It would be nice if all works could be compiled and published.
A critique of all works is most valuable. We get to know where our works are 'flawed' and avoid future errors.
Congratulations all designers, organizers and poets, not forgetting the judges (generous and mean :>.

This competition is really encouraging. When I ask 'what's the significance/relevance of poetry in Nigeria, all I hear is silence.....followed by a loud "who gives a damn?"
its nice knowing some others see poetry as relevant.
I hope to participate in the next competition. It only gets better form here.

Reserved for Number 2

Forbidden Vitality.
Designer's Name: Centje

Why I choose this topic:
I'll say, the topic reached out to me. It fascinated me and presented an opportunity for me to step out of my comfort zone, and try something new.
Also the topic touched on an area of common interest (temptation) to Mankind.

Unique Experience Derived from Working With A Designer:
Working with a designer, was my first time working with another person for poetry purposes. Thus, the experience itself was strange to me. I didn't just have to think for myself but also consider the opinion of another in decision making.
The experience gave me an opportunity to explore the visual side of poetry, which before now I gave little importance. All in all, it was pretty interesting.

Constraints Noticed in Working in a Team:
Working with a designer, whose physical presence I couldn't count on, posed quite a challenge to me, mostly as a result of the strain placed on communication. The shortage of time also reduced our ability to discuss effectively.
Seeing eye to eye wasn't an issue, his (Centje) ability to provide competent graphical interpretation was flawless.

My poem is titled 'Forbidden Vitality'. It
Its written in two chapters consisting of several stanzas.
The first chapter, is more of a peek into the past (flashback). Sought of recreating man's romance with the forbidden fruit, him losing his innocence and unleashing a thirst for the forbidden fruit (evil). This process, in conclusion, was what sealed the creation of man.

Adams' rib, refers to Eve,
the celestial city, refers to heaven.

Chapter Two.
Under this chapter we have seven stanzas.
Stanza one: highlights examples of other 'great men' who have fallen or lost something on earth.

Stanza two: paints the earth as cursed with many 'pleasures'. Pleasures here, don't quite conform to the conventional meaning, rather it refers to damnable pleasures such as alcoholism, adultery and the whole lot. Such available to those willing to cross its threshold (into the 'dark side').

Stanza three: features the rewards of following the good side, promising grand entrance to all that leave ('stray' from) evil for good ('the path that 'sway').

Stanza four: Here, we are reminded of the result of our vain desires, which is 'ancestral drums of shame' this implies that we shall dance to shameful beats just as our ancestors did when they fell to those same desires.

Stanza five: here we are advised quite rashly to 'immerse' (surrender and enjoy) ourselves in the 'ocean that destroys man' (forbidden pleasures). Thus we are encouraged to be free.

Stanza six: The trend remains the same, only now, those reluctant are persuaded to 'taste and see', 'prove Adam right' sensing wisdom in Adams decision. Those seeking salvation are implored to forsake salvation and enjoy life.

Stanza seven: Here, those still resisting are reminded, 'life is short', and are told such shouldn't be wasted on senseless arguments. Thus we should succumb ('take a sip') and 'end it all'.

About the design.

The Apple with Nails.
My designer (Centje), wanted to stray from the usual representation of forbidden fruit and so he did. In his words "I thought of anything against God, so the apple with nails was a perfect concept to use, the nails represent restriction impling its forbidden nature, and injury/death follows anyone who goes ahead to eat the apple(just like in the poem)".

The closeness of the apple to the mouth:
This implies we can be tempted, just as witnessed by all living beings.

The background:
This represents clouds, impling the earth as described in the poem.

The tinge of green in the background colour:
is also in keeping with vitality.

Message behind My Poem (Forbidden Vitality):

My poem doesn't quite carry a distinct message, but the following can be deduced.
-The taste for the 'forbidden' exists in all living human beings. We will all be tempted at one time or the other. Staying focused and obedient will get the ultimate reward.

-The pursuit of the satisfaction of 'Forbidden' tastes leads to destruction.

Reserved for Number 2

Forbidden Vitality

(i)
Adams' rib aside,
The celestial city stands aloof.
A coy smile,
Shrinking steadily with each passing round.
A taste damnable, awoken.
A drunken soul striped of its ignorance.
Behold the birth of mankind.

(ii)
Eden's keeper has fallen,
Moses's stone broken,
The great Samson weakened.

The earth cursed,
and filled with many pleasures.
Reaching out to all daring to cross Its threshold.

Open doors etched with gold,
welcoming those that stray,
from paths that sway.

Ancestral drums of shame,
To all that dare to quench this ancestral taste,
known to all but those dead.

For satisfaction,
Immerse your soul in this ocean that devoureth man,
and loose the restrictions placed by life itself.

Taste and see,
prove Adam right,
forsake salvation and indulge in earth's pleasures.

Life is short,
why waste it on strife?
Take a sip and end this strife.

Don Oms: I'm paired with Centje too and I'm using this opportunity to reiterate; please, contact us bro. I sent him a PM earlier but he hasn't replied. I haven't started on my poem yet though....I hope I'm able to come out with something good given the short time & a busy schedule.

this means we are in the same ship, captained by Capt. Centje. But apparently the is still anchored. Lol. You haven't written yours yet?
That's part of what's leaving nuts in my stomach. Hope to finish tonight though .
Wish you the best.

CENTJE??

princesa: problem now is contacting the designers! 18th is the final day of submission right?

oh gosh!

I am experiencing serious difficulty in getting in touch with my designer. He isn't replying my mails.
IF YOU ARE READING THIS CENTJE,
!!!TIME IS TICKING AWAY!!!
Lets get some work done.

Funny, I only started on the 14th. Lord help me deliver in style.:|

HumbledbYGrace: Don't worry yourself.

I noticed, will get it fixed

Thanks.

@Shugamania please edit your reserved space, it should be #10.

You guys are prompt, glad to know y'all are working to see this a success.

HumbledbYGrace: Hi

We will get the first person's reserved space removed, to avoid confussion. Please choose a hot topic for round two and just follow the rules.

good day miss, I also have a similar issue. The poster above me only reserved on spot, and left no number or title, and so I skipped him and followed the poster above him with Number 8, then the poster below me not understanding my action or reasons behind it, left an extra slot number and chose number 11.
My present Number is No.9
please what should I do?

Reserved for number 9

Forbidden Vitality

Reserved for number 9

Forbidden Vitality.

Judge 1 reminds me on what my HOD once said "the strict ones are the ones we NEVER forget". I sure would have loved to see some criticisms written by the judges.

Congratulation to all who participated, and to those who qualified: wish y'all the best in your journey ahead.