₦airaland Forum

LadySarah:
The worst is not having a supportive spouse in trying times.

Anyway I will advice you on the issue of clothing and rent
.
If they are necessary buy them. You still have to look good.Buy one at a time. This mth some shoes, next month clothes,next kids own. I know that fear of not having enough to last till the next payday but if you carry all the needs on your head you Wil keep enabling him to remain lazy.
Also consider moving to a place with lower rent 350k per annum excluding school fees. Wow you are trying.

Sometimes tell him the money is finished and remain unfazed. When the kids need things, send them to him. If the school demands some fees, show them to him. Pls be respectful in all these.landlord comes reschedule the meeting to when he's around. You are not ridiculing him. It's to not let him remain in that comfort zone.

Pray with him, pray so he can hear. Make sure you pray the way you feel in your heart. . He will be very uncomfortable.Don't give him money unless very necessary. You are already doing his job. His pocket money should be sourced by him.

Does fine boy give money?He should go out and see how others are hustling.

@bold:

Absolutely on point!

She was poorly trained/ did not received the training.

HembaqMbk:
Why you should be very strict and responsible in making choices -

Life has already made a lot of choices for us without even seeking our opinion. Most of these choices can't be changed. It therefore means we will continue to live with the choices till death. Some of the choices life made for us-
1. Life chose our parents
2. Life chose our siblings
3. Life chose our sex
4. Life chose our state of origin
5. Life chose our nationality
6. Life chose our race and colour
7. Life chose our physical attributes (height, head, shape of our nose etc.)
8. Life chose or will choose our children.
The list continues................

You can only choose your wife/husband, friends, religion, where to live and how to live, etc.

When making these choices be very strict and highly responsible.

Thanks!

@bold:

Ha! They are coming for you.

@thread, absolutely on point. We actually get to choose only a few things which must be done with ATMOST CARE.

sassysure:
Nope. I simply don't gel with fair guys. And I have been singing it to the high roof for everybody to hear. I can't even date one. But, I guess when u see what u want some of these things doesn't matter anymore.

On the positive side, I don't want a talkative, I secretly love engineers. I want a guy that will be hard for my curious brain to dymisyify. I love that secrecy. Guy hardly talk about himself. His motto is watch my actions. So I became fbi for my own house. And I don't like softies. Look soft but act tough. I'm already a hard nut so I need a harder nut.

A soft tough guy.

Hmmmmm.

FBI Sassy

Funmilehot:
Hello good people of NL, hope u all are good and staying safe this period.

I woke up this morning with tears in my eyes.

To start with, I'm a federal government worker, married with two beautiful kids 5 and 3. My husband has been out of work for the past two years. All family responsibility(house rent, kids school fees, groceries, gas, feeding) has always been on my shoulders and I carry without complaints, sometimes with joy knowing it won't last forever and praying God favours my husband with a job.

Since March we've been out of work, but we are being paid. My salary is a little bit above 100k. I'm servicing a loan with 30% of my salary which will end by September. When salaries are paid I'm left with a little bit above 70k. From that 70k I buy groceries of about 40k or more for the month which includes(cartons of noodles, eggs, pasta, milk, milo, yam, beans, gas etc) the 30k or less I'm left with will be for cooking soup, fuel for the Gen, pocket money for my hubby, buying things for my kids etc and before the month runs out I'm out of cash save for the foodstuffs stored at home. Our yearly rent is 350k and it still falls on me alone. Most times I borrow to make up the rent which will be deducted from my salary later with interest.

My husband is trying hard to get a job but it's not bn easy for him. His pride won't let him seek for job outside our state. He believes he's a fine boy. He doesn't help me out on anything still I don't complain or nag him because I do not want to add to his problems.

I work very hard for this money by practically starving my self. No good clothes, no good shoes, no nice weavon absolutely nothing yet my husband wears the best of clothes. My clothes are all tattered and worn out yet I cannot buy anything for myself.

I was scrolling online where I saw beautiful gowns, shoes and hair wig I'd really love to have yet it hurts that I can't have them yet I can afford it but it will affect my family.
Most of my clothes and shoes I still wear were all I bought while ii was single.

I really feel I could take out like 100k and invest in myself cos person wey dey go out suppose look good but again my family.

It hurts when u work daily, see the money but can't buy things u need/want.

For starters,

You are indulging your husband.

You don't live a champagne life on a beer income.

If N70k is the income you have after your obligations, you live a N70k life including savings.

I don't know why your husband wears the best of clothes while you wear 'rags' (except you are talking of his clothes before the job loss), I don't know why he is proud to move to a smaller house or work honest jobs (whether out of the state or not). I also don't know why you spend so much on food, groceries and other stuffs when you CAN NOT afford it.

You need to have a discussion with him; what is his vision? what is his plan?. While having this discussion, jot your points down so he doesn't emotionally sideline you or blackmail you with his victimhood, ego or unthoughtfulness. You are coming to the table with facts and figures.

Also, what are his qualifications? What does he need to become more marketable in his field? What are the things he can do in the mean time to earn while building himself?

Also do an assessment of your rent: N350k/annum means N30k a month. You obviously can't pay rent N30k out of N70k in addition to every other thing. What areas can you move to that will reduce your rent while giving you a decent life?

If he insists, then he should pick up the rent.

Rather than overburden yourself and grow bitter, communicate and resolve issues.

Goodluck and more strength.

Graxie:
And the thing keeps quoting me to ask stupid questions.

Op, I didn't even know you shared your past with "pastor" before advising you not to do so.

Please don't be deceive by title, many religious leaders and their followers are good in heaping guilt on others. Most of them are not even close to holiness.

Jesus died for all, read about the Samaritan woman, Mary Magdalene, Peter and even Paul.

People will judge you based on your Action while judging themselves based on their intentions.

Realise that none of us can save ourselves from our sinful nature, stop killing yourself.

The truth is that none is holy. No, not even one.
God grace is higher than your sin, run to Jesus.
Speak to him alone.


If only you know the GRACE of God if only, I know how rotten I was until Grace found me.

Stop listening to would be Jesus assistant, remember the thief on the cross.

N/B some married as a virgin, yes. Some are still virgin great but guess what? ALL have sinned and come short of the glory of God.
All means all.
Allow Jesus to teach you himself, read the book of Mathew, Mark and John with the help of the Spirit.

Pick up Joseph Prince Unmerited Favor and read.

@Bold:

Jesus is indeed coming soon

ImaIma1:


They must

Amen.

Mariangeles:
If you know, then you know.

I know it is the distinct smokey taste.

Acidosis:
The Christ you were taught permits adultery. The Christ you were taught says you should enjoy marriage only when the weather is good and filled with milk and honey (horn. .y). The Christ you were taught did not use stronger words for an adulterous woman. The word "useless" is giving y'all sleepless nights and days ... a goal well achieved.

There are different types of Christ.

Even the Oyinbo one.

Like someone would say: Many people want Him to be their personal saviour; they don't want Him to be their Lord.

Mariangeles:
I could play a trick on you and share one with you directly, but I'll be nice

There's this thing about me: I like to share my feelings.
It helps me ease off.
Like this one for example: I saw it and I was disgusted by it and couldn't get over it. So, I decided to share it here to see if anyone could relate to my feelings, thankfully, most people did and that made me feel almost better.

Biko, no tricks

Reminds me of Spartacus; for some reason, I couldn't watch that movie. I love 300 and GOT yet, I couldn't get past a few scenes of Spartacus.

I watched a horror movie in 200L, slept that night and started dreaming. I slept over in my boyfriend's (now husband's) place and I went off like a banshee in the middle of the night after I started having nightmares again.

You don't want me to start screaming at night right?

mrblessed:
This thread holds the toga of "he/she who is of no sinner should cast the first stone." Sadly, a lot of ladies can't, because they are guilty as well. Op, you have very right to be remorseful, after all, a life was ruthlessly annihilated. Feeling worried shows your heart is in the right place and endeavour to take precautionary measures to prevent you being in such ugly situation again. Kindly ignore the empty words of stone-cold murderers, whose conscience have died long time ago.

We need a rolling on the floor laughing emoticon.

eazzzy1:
Lol, the desire for the twerker is long gone. From numerous experiences I discovered that the freak and the good girl is usually mutually exclusive, or maybe I was unlucky that many times.

The good girl with few friends and little social media presence has been the most compatible for me .

@bold:

Still isn't mutually exclusive with a freak in the sheets.

Alternatively, you can bring out the freak in your 'good girl'.

Send invite to us, I want to eat party jollof with plenty plenty plantain.

*I wonder how it got christened that.

What happened to party rice or jollof rice?

ImaIma1:
Lol...yes I did. His nose is pointed and bigger than mine. And he's a guru in anything calculation.

Why?
I have a small nose. My friend used to make jest of me that if I am stuck in an elevator with people with little oxygen, that I'll be the first to gas out cos my nose is small.

Secondly, I always hated math. That's exactly why I picked English as my course of study.

Ha! complementary, that's cool.

Perhaps if your enemies are both stuck in the elevator, he will perform CPR on you and hopefully, all your kids pick his calculation guruness

Acidosis:
I wonder how they sleep at night knowing very well they never have any reasonable or logical answer to an issue. They're neither here nor there.

@ Neither here or there:

It takes courage and strength of character to take a stand whether it is popular or not once you are convinced it is the best decision for you and consistent.

I just started understanding that 'friendship with the world is enmity with Christ' after that.

Once can't choose God and mammon.

That's one thing I admire about Muslims: the average professing Muslim wants to stand out for Allah and not blend in to play both sides. Jehovah witnesses also hold a candle in that aspect.

LordKO:
Mama de mama, LOL. Dis people de make person vex sometimes.

Hahahahahaaha!

They will be surprised the kind of people online that are respectful, decent and just move from thread to thread catching fun.

OgiPrincess:
I was listening to a sermon by Mike Todd of Transformation Church a few months after (say 5 months). Then I realized that my mistakes and the reason why things happened the way they did to me is mostly because I didn't have anyone that I was accountable to for the things I do and the decisions I made.

If I had an older Aunt or Uncle, a mentor in Church I could confide in... Just someone that could call me to order then maybe that guy would have taken me serious... I had no one and what can meek me do to him.

So I went to the church, where I met him, our church. I talked to a female pastor about everything! It went round to every pastor and that was the end of it. I'm sure I became a sermon.

I kept seeing abortion condemnation post online here and there and with each post I'll come across the reality of me having actually taken a life dawned on me. I started to feel a presence of a little baby girl, I'll cry and plead with her, telling her how sorry I am, how selfish I am. I'll be in the shower under the running water just crying and washing off. I felt so dirty!

I named her Dinah. I became suicidal, I thought the only way to right what I did was for me to seize to exist but I couldn't bring myself to actually do it because I knew it was still wrong.

I started to self sabotage. I left my jobs for no good reasons. I couldn't afford my rent and I started to squat, I didn't care about looking for a good job. I didn't think I deserved anything good in life so I made sure to run away from opportunities (if I mentioned would be recognized by people I know). I simply gave up the will to live.

I've read about women that slipped into depression and became anorexic after an abortion. My former employer diagnosed me of clinical depression but I waved it off. It took a church member and Michael Todd of Transformation Church to get me to actually listen to what God was saying to me.

I only just realized a few months ago that I've been self sabotaging. I'm still healing hence the feeling of a need to explain myself each time I'm faced with criticism. I cried terribly from reading the comments section on the topic from yesterday on front page. But I didn't cry from brokenness or despair.

I cried from being misunderstood, misplaced and judged. I'm much wiser now. And this is my story and I can't do anything to rid that part of my life. Much of what I felt spurned from feeling disappointed at myself and ashamed of the derogatory remarks I would get when people get to know this part of my life.

I lived my whole life up until that moment trying not to be that girl but like Job said "everything I feared has come upon me".

You are on the right path of recovery and will turn out fine in the end.

*Warm hugs*

LadySarah:
Ogiprincess, you can open a diary In diary section to pen down your thoughts.
The guilt may not totally go away but with time it will lessen.
Am I prochoice? To an extent. You know everything before taking that decision. Don't let anyone guiltrip you. Bringing a child to suffer is more evil

I hope you have learnt ur lessons. Warm bear hugs. Also learn to play safe should you choose to remain sexually active.

You don't get it:

Nobody is guilt tripping her, it is her conscience doing that.

And bringing a child to 'suffer' will not give her guilty conscience she has now. For starters, she won't have blood on her hands.

Graxie:
You can only understand what she is passing through if you have been there.

What is the difference between the post you quoted and yours below

Graxie:
Op, my advice to you is to keep your secret from anybody outside those that have known about it. Avoid meeting any religious leader in the name of counselling to share your secret, don't say I didn't warn you.

Meanwhile, it's your past, don't dwell much on it. If you are a Christian, tell it to Jesus, his peace is beyond comprehension.

Start it one day at a time; you will pull through.

LordKO:
Who intelligence help! More seriously, the men in your life on and off Nairaland cannot be any better than the ones you despise here; if you think otherwise, invite them here if they can solve, individually or combinedly, one of five questions I'll ask them about Design and Analysis of Algorithms, I will pay them $1,000 or an equivalent amount in any other currency of their choice and also deactivate my account immediately. You've between now and the next 2 hours to take up the challenge.

Take up the challenge or shut up forever with anyone who's concurred and will concur with you.

The fact that most of you come to the forum to make noise doesn't automatically make all of those who choose otherwise stupid.

I wonder what a thoroughbred politician for instance will be doing in the politics section where I know that 99.9 percent of the people there have no electoral value and know next to nothing about politics. Or, the technology, property and business sections where majority are bumpkins like you and your ilk.

One bottle of chilled malt on my tab

@OP:

People come here to actually unwind.

sassysure:
Wanted a chocolate guy.

I think that's all.

*Coughs*

And is he chocolate?

Kenplay:
Hi bukatyne, I was on ban since the past one week thats why I cant comment on your beautiful topics and ideas, keep the fire burning. Love you

Thank you.

So what kind of woman do you like describing her with seemingly opposing characteristics?

saintvc:
submissive to you..but boss to others.........hmmmm

What is in your mind?

Boss? I don't/didn't want a boss. I prefer leaders.

Submissive? Vulnerable instead.

You did not talk about yourself.

Ohemababy:
Madam Buka kindly ignore all the "you sound bored" "you have issues at home" comments.

I LOVE YOUR THREADS, always interesting with different individuals coming out to share their knowledge and opinions about life issues.
For me, there's always something to learn.

Again please ignore them. Let's continue with the fun.

I have seen worse dear , thanks.

Thank you for loving my threads

So over to you, share

eazzzy1:
Lol freaky like, she takes charge in bed, wear lingerie with stockings, introduce hand cuffs, twerks and other bad things. My priorities has changed. I would rather a mother/wife material than a twerker/clubber aka freak.

I think the issue started from your mind.

A 'wife material' and a twerker/freak are not mutually exclusive.

An immoral girl can as well be frigid in bed.

So what will you do ten years down the line after marrying your wife material and the desire for the private twerker has not gone?

ImaIma1:
I wanted someone with a bigger nose than mine and someone with mathematical knowledge

*Lookatyou*

So did you get what you wanted?

And why?

Mariangeles:
The nurturing part, I can't help...like peak, it's in me.

Hahahahahahaha.

That advert stuck with me and I related it to talents and purpose.

*Sorry to FrieslandCampina's marketing team.*

Mariangeles:
Try iya mi
You might not feel a thing

My head is itchy

I unashamedly admit that I am not that 'strong' to look at those pictures.

Mariangeles:
Does that justify the sense of ownership though?

You know, I've always admired how western parents teach their children how to be independent at a very early age. I really wish African parents can have that much confidence in their children.
Most times, African parents continue to make unnecessary sacrifices, providing for their grown children when they shouldn't have to.
Do you know that some, if not most African parents would rather their children be dependent on them so that they can control them, than have them being independent and making their own decisions?

Is it jobs that have gone round men and women who should fend for families that we would youngsters to have?

What is the hope of an African parent in old age if not the kids they invested in when they were younger?

Societies that are communal would always depend on the young to care for the older ones (it is cycle).

While the African methods are not right, I do not care for the Western methods either.

I believe balance can be achieved with tweaking our system to work for us.

Less kids for one.

sassysure:
It is well

Amen.

A friend once said that caring for longtime sick/injured spouses is the worst marital challenge to her.

She had a cousin whose husband abandoned in the hospital after a terrible accident.

sassysure:
Trust me, her major need isn't sex. Not at all.
Her major problem is money. Owo. Money can solve more than 50% of her problems and there may be hope for their sexual need also.

Maybe she has the money na.

Her options were staying married and having a concubine or divorcing him because she is 'young'.

On a second thought, maybe with a lot of money, she would have considered more expensive/extensive therapy and care.

The family's reluctance to help monetarily (which is the easier of the burden) is strange.

God help the woman, it is a lot of burden.

Acidosis:
Can we just learn to address issues without playing the gender card? It's already getting boring. I didn't come here to deal with a woman. I came here to address a sexually starved individual who's considering cheating/separation.

Unlike you, I don't shy away from stating facts and opinions based on what I would do. What I wouldn't do, I won't say here. More importantly, I don't try too hard to please a gender. If she's grown enough to decide for herself like you said, she wouldn't take her matter to a third party.

To say you would do this or that, but not bold enough to recommend what you would do, just because you believe every woman should be sexually independent doesn't make sense.


A prostitute should preach prostitution. A moralist/religious person should preach chastity. Stop acting like you belong to everybody when in the real sense, you don't live that kind of life. Stop preaching what you wouldn't do. If your lifestyle is giving you good result, you should be bold enough to recommend your lifestyle. It shouldn't matter whether your circle of followers agree with you or not.

This post reminds me of an article I read about two years ago addressed to American Christians.

I opened a thread on it back then and was a turning point for me especially online.

You cannot have one leg in and one leg out or sit on the fence for too long.



https://www.nairaland.com/4158735/christians-america-arent-closed-minded-intolerant#up

Comedian2019:
The man will soon go mental. One of 1000 ways to die young is to be suspicious of your spouse.

@bold:

If he is not already.