₦airaland Forum

jhasper:
any thing I do she complains..
she feel dejected at my present, am always truth full, humble and honest to her. but what my be the cause?
.
.
.
.
.
.




.

all she wants is divorce

You have not given us any info oga.

Did she start asking for a divorce the night you said I do ? If no, what led to the divorce song considering the fact you are always truth full, humble and honest to her.?

Gaborone:
One prayer I have is that cheats should marry cheats, and the faithful, the faithful. May a good egg not get messed up with a bad egg.This way, the ecosystem would balance itself out.

The ultimate prayer my sister.

A good husband.

Can't deal with the drama of a bad spouse. I wanna soar high doing great things and I need my back secured.

Don't want any dead weight.

freecocoa:
Who needs an enemy with friends like this?

As in

Now I'm tempted to say 'show me your friends and u will tell you who you are'.

Sad.

KAYD007:
You are so pathetic!! In your warped mind, the man must have done some thing bad to warrant this from his wife.....imagine..what did you do your wife

When you have sense, quote me for a discussion.

cococandy:
Off the top of my head, 1) having a cheating habit, 2) planning to get a second wife, 3) being violent towards her....

But the thing is OP hasn't done any of these according to his story. In fact his family loves her. And they have been happy together.
I'm really curious to know what on earth prompted her actions. Out of the blues she turned into a cold calculating back stabber. And he's taking it lightly. Glossing over it. Like seriously his wife was secretly planning to start something elsewhere to sustain her when she moves on without him and he hasn't bothered to know why she wants to abandon him out of the blues.
Read this:

The only thing I can think of is that she doesn't love him anymore, has probably found another man and is perfecting plans to leave OP high and dry. But that is me just guessing.

But I'm curious he doesn't want to know why she planned such in the first place. Patching up things without getting to the root it means it will just crack later.
Why is he so blaśe about such a big deal? Or does he know and is giving us half information?

Absolutely on point!

What is really going on?

vicadex07:
He couldn't give her children... probably

You might be on to something.

Let the OP do the DNA first.

Time2Smile:
I might actually agree with you on this (Never thought I would say that). DevGuru is avoiding the root of the issue.
1.Why did his wife change overnight.?

2. What was her complaints to her sisters that elicited those advices.?

3.What is the ultimate goal she want to achieve?

Like you mentioned she is planning for a parallel life, while the Op seemed to be blind to that fact and is just interested in saving his marriage. From the update His Wife is not even remorseful that She betrayed him. I am not even sure the woman is still interested in the marriage. Crying because she was caught not because of what she did. So many questions need answers.

Wizard Timbuktou,

You see someone who has the common sense that eluded you in your response to me.

I don't do gender nonsense and look at things objectively based on the information I have.

Let's assume the tables are turned and a woman tells you a loving husband who has proven himself suddenly beats her up, you wouldn't ask questions right?

You really need to chill in this your imaginary war.

@Time2Smile: I hope he gets to the root of the matter.

freecocoa:
I get the strange aspect, though I don't find it strange at all. People will leave you shocked my sister.

Some people will pretend to the last, just to get what they want.

Very True

freecocoa:
Must he have done something to her? Can't people just decide to be bad on their own? Who's to say she wasn't pretending all this while?

I find it strange however not impossible that she became evil overnight.

If he truly has done nothing wrong, he should seperate from her awhile.

She can destroy/kill him.

kaboninc:
The way you single out Nigerian men for something gone wrong is really not fair. As much as you hate us, it doesn't mean other men are better.

This is so hilarious!

The 'Nigerian' man

Fem29, thanks for the mention.

@DevGuru:

I feel this is not the whole story. Nobody goes seeking for advice when there is no problem ( real/imagined).

What changed your wife from a loving fiancée who stood by you to a betrayer who is working towards building a parallel life?

What did you do to your wife?

Good one.

cancaworm:
Hmmmm. I won-t be surprised that all these ladies are married now and washing clothes at their backyard.

Anything wrong with marriage or washing clothes at the backyard?

yodiyokun:
This is a conflict that every woman has to settle in her heart.

After 11 years of marriage, birth of two kids, 18 years in the financial industry both home and abroad, I can say that I am yet to resolve this conflict.

Its a conflict I have to deal with everyday, a conflict of purpose. Even if you didn't start out chasing marriage to become a "leech", things may change along the way.

I was focused on my banking career for the first five years of working post-university. Then, I decided to find a husband and settle down because I realized that I didn't want to spend my life alone but not because I wanted to become someone's baby factory. I wanted a partner both intellectually, spiritually and morally.

However, after my children started school I realized that I want to be there for them. I want to help them with homework, spend productive time with them, to shape their world and pass on my values. It's very challenging to accomplish this in a country where you don't have family support or network and where there are conflicting values everywhere. If I had my way financially right now - I would choose to be a stay at home mom at least till my kids turn 16. I actually envy those women that can do this - it is admirable.

I have the potential to advance in my career, to pursue challenging opportunities, but right now I choose not to do so because it'll affect my family's welfare. I'll have to spend more time at work and less at home.
So since mid last year I have scaled back. Now, I try to leave the office on time everyday and no longer take work home. Why you ask - because my kids are getting older, they have more challenging homework, they need more assistance, they want more variety in their lunch bags, they want home made cookies and sweets. They want me to be a volunteer at their school. They want me to be present in their lives every day of the week not only on weekends.

As much as I'd like to return to school for a Msc., start a business, do much more with my abilities and self, I really do have to choose which is more important to me right now.

I have come to realize that women can have it all - but just not all things at the same time. Also, because of your family situtaion you many need to adjust your dreams.

So do not judge someone that decides to stay at home because you really do not know what going on in her home.

Also remember that staying at home doesn't mean that you are not contributing to the family - you may very well be the thread that binds the home together.

@Bold:

On point.

infogenius:
I am very sure you have very little understanding about marriage institution and moreover you didn't read my post objectively but sentimentally.


The truth remains as it is the woman has a job to do to make her husband warm up to her.

I know nothing about the marriage institution and a lot about mine and I read your post objectively.

Anyways, whatever rocks your boat.

infogenius:
I am back to talk objectively on the main scene in this post.

Quite frankly the op made a mistake. She made it for love as stated in the post.
Did your husband ask you to open your legs for touts? You willingly allowed those riff raffs have their way without ur husband's consent.

Not every man at that scene will understand the sacrifice you made because there was no mutual agreement between you two on what happened. You decided too.

The job of your husband amongst other things is to protect his family. He never gave you that mandate even at the cost of his life. How dare you open your legs without your husband's telling you to?

What makes you think that your husband is not even thinking that you just wanted to have fun?

The husband is mandated to protect his family which includes making the right decisions even at the cost of his life to achieve this.

There was a similar incidence in my area in Festac when I was growing up. According to the report, the woman was even moaning to the jerks of the touts.

That event ended her 6 yrs old marriage as her relationship with her husband broke until they finally divorced.

I will not open my eyes and watch touts ride my wife without telling her to do so. I will rather die.

I have an obligation to protect my wife even at the cost of life.

I am not perturbed by what anyone says about the man been unfair after the wife was raped because of him.

The man had the Final say even at gun point and since the woman gave in ignorantly, she has a lot job to do to win her man back

You are not objective here.

If the husband felt this way, why didn't he close his wife's legs and jump in front of the gun? Or while the wife was crying and stripping, why didn't order her to stand up and say he was willing to die?

The event is over now you are here saying she shouldn't have bla bla bla.

Fear God oga.

Timbuktou:
I don't if my complained to you about me having poor presentation skills, but if she did, she's lying.

Pictures or I donbelieveit

Timbuktou:
My bad, I meant to say your 'defining' not 'definition'.

Surely, you can open a thread for those kinds of arguments, I may oblige you there. This thread, so far, has been about how women can best present their case especially when they feel strongly about a matter.

@Bold:

Everybody needs good case presentation when they feel strongly about a matter. Infact, one of the sterling qualities of a leader is the ability to re-create your passion in your followers/team mates which is definitely not done by nagging/bullying people into it.

We all need respect.

byvan03:
The ridiculous advice is worrying, they will claim they have seen it all. When in reality they have not seen what normal humans should see. They always pay, one way or the other.

At bold: Extremely on point.

Don't tell hubby what you earn; all men lie; bla bla bla etc.

Na them sabi.

Nothing like making the right choice per time and if wrong, quickly retrace your steps.

In my little experience, all the ladies chanting 'all men cheat' are all cheats/ ex-runs girls themselves

Timbuktou:
Then your definition of the word subjugate is irrelevant and a waste of time.

Not my definition, apologies I omitted the source.

SO husbands no longer 'control' their wives? Husbands no longer dominate their wives?

I thought that was how you 'Nigerian' husbands roll. At least, that is the theme here on NL.

Any body esp. female who preaches mutual respect is 'unhappily married'; 'a feminist'; or 'old, bitter and lonely.'

Or you preach one thing and do another?

byvan03:
That babe daft die aswear! Side chic wading off babes, certainly nollywood worthy.

The time she would use to wade off babes would be used building a relationship with her own man. Tomorrow, they will start crying all men are cheats/untrustworthy and be giving unsolicited advices to younger ones.

passionate88:
The last time such things happened in Nigeria was during buhari's regime as a military head of state, that was in 1983/4 (if I'm right) since then people have been having up to 9 children but we've not heard such a thing until buhari's second coming

I get you now.

You blame Buhari... It is get better.

Timbuktou:
So, then, you were subjugated by your class two when you were in school? Yes, I know you weren't married to the class two either.

@ your question in bold, the highlighted below is your response. I have never been subjugated before.

bukatyne:
I am not married to my boss so I do not see the correlation besides, my boss has learnt that nagging/'shouting' doesn't work as well as discussing/instructing with respect.
Infact, nagging/bossing about has never worked with me so I find the OP very strange. I would assume that he would be preaching respect and civility to everyone.
But what do I know? We are referring to 'Nigerian' relationships here.

GenAnsahCinC:
[Yes, i talk normal with him. He do call me on phone whenever he's at work. He smiles with me, we eat together. But in bed he refuses to touch me. He backs me when sleeping. I don't really want sex. That's not my aim. My husband is a man who enjoys sex I was afraid that if I don't give it to him, he might get it somewhere else. That was why I demanded for sex and I was surprised when he refuses. Sometimes he would lie in the bed with eyes open thinking. Whenever I woke up to see him awake I'll asked him what the matter was he will tell me nothing happened he just don't feel sleepy. I feel guilty. If not for the sake of my daughter I would have asked for divorce so I can stay out of his life and let him have a new life.

Divorce Ke? Na wa for you o!

That said, it is obvious your husband is still reliving the terrible event. What pains him is the next thing to decipher.

infogenius:
You don't understand. I'm not selfish, it is psychological. Guys with rubbish dicks take turns on you with your husband watching.

OK, how long will it take you to sleep with your husband after you learnt he had a foursome with prostitutes?
Will you bleep him the next day?

It is not understandable.

The husband feels trauma and needs time to heal, yes. To turn to other women outside will be extremely ridiculous at this point. I will wonder if he sent the robbers initially.

GenAnsahCinC:
My name is Gift Anthony (Real name withheld) I am in me early 30s, I got married three years ago and we are blessed with a girl-child. MY husband is a business man while I am a secondary school teacher in a private school. My husband is a man who enjoys sex and would want to have sex three times a week. I have never denied him sex whenever he demands for it. Early this year some unknown gun men stormed our area, they entered people's houses and made away with their belongings. They entered our house and ordered us (me, my husband and my daughter) to lie on the floor. One of them was pointing gun at us and told us he will shoot if we shout or get up. Others entered the rooms and started searching for money and other valuables. They made away with our money and my jewelries. On coming out of the room about going, one of them who acted as their leader ordered me to remove my clothes, I refused and he threaten to shoot my husband. so I did. He asked me to lie on the floor and wanted to have sex with me i refused him. He told me if I don't cooperate that he was going to shoot my husband. I was afraid and I lay on the floor and allowed him have his way. When he was done, the next person had his own. After that, they returned my jewelries and made away with the money. The next morning my husband told me to go to a hospital for test/treatment which I did. I was tested of HIV/AIDS and STD the results were all negative. But since that incident, my husband has refused to have sex with me. He's always giving me excuses. Is either he's tired from the day activities or he's not in the mood. I don't know what to do. I've gone for counselling. Please I need your advice. Thanks

You both need to go for therapy. It is traumatic been gang raped for you and watching you gang raped for him.

With time and proper counselling, you both would heal and resume sexual relations.

Sorry for the pain and hurt.

passionate88:
Mr. Otokx the birth rate is not an excuse there's hunger in the land and it has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH BIRTH RATE

People even though poor would have less mouths to cater for.

Times are really really hard.

See very sad sellers and buyers in the market lately.

One has to think hard to survive.

Timbuktou:
So, are you under subjugation by your boss in the office?

I am not married to my boss so I do not see the correlation besides, my boss has learnt that nagging/'shouting' doesn't work as well as discussing/instructing with respect.

Infact, nagging/bossing about has never worked with me so I find the OP very strange. I would assume that he would be preaching respect and civility to everyone.

But what do I know? We are referring to 'Nigerian' relationships here.

RadicallyBlunt:
Its a welcome idea, I can do it. I pound well.

Helping ur wife in d kitchen once in a while is actually good so far she keeps herself in d woman position. In fact if she does, she'll get more and vice versa

I remember my grandma told me how grandpa doesn't eat a day old soup. He eats new soup everyday. And in those days, there were no blenders so my grandmum would hand-grind fresh pepper daily on grinding stone including the times she was pregnant and nursing d newborn

Now I'm not saying I support women going thru d hand peppering exercise daily especially in these days that we have electric grinders (tnk God for blenders) but such a commitment from a woman counting d cost of going thru such an exercise daily is worth imbibing but unfortunately its rare 2day in d name of civilization. I thought with blender it should be easy or easier. No wonder grandpa didn't marry any other wife!

@Bold:

Where is the woman's position?

larion:
Rubbish!

Unacceptable crap.

Just look at d post, California, Florida, New York, Illinois.... Bla bla.

One reason why Nigerians marriages don't last is because they use oyinbo man template.

This is why I call the above rubbish.

Example, even in south Africa here, the rule is wife brings 50%, husband brings 50%, either for rent, or food or children's school fees.

But in Nigeria, Husband brings 100%, its when the wife balance well that she can contribute her own, max 30% in most cases. Now imagine a naija man vexing for his naija wife because she didn't drop 50% for the money to buy milk and junior's school fees......is that marriage not destined to fail.

Nonsense! In oyinbo man land, some wife are permitted to have s*x with other men as long as she informs her husband before the did is done nd so also the husband ca romance other women as long as he informs the wife....Point number 6 above, maybe this can be called respecting each others love language.... But a wife expecting to be screwed by another man while telling his husband in naija is destined to see trouble.

Career before family..... Crap! If that is what is gonna put food on the table and everybody in the house understands then so be it.....mark my words every body in the house understands...this should be the key to marriage survival....Understanding!

Annie idibia and Lola okoye understands the kind of husband they have , to God be the glory...their marriages are still waxing strong. Tiwa savage refused to understand that she will keep working and Teebillz will keep spending and not contributing, she refused to understand that Teebillz will still be chasing others, I'm not saying it's good, but she should have known before locking the marriage .....what has happened today, the marriage is out of the window.

Are you telling me Peter okoye or 2 face has not done some on the silly things Teebillz did? Did we hear noise outside? There was a picture of Tuface kissing Pero after his wedding with Annie, bloggers so much posted that pixs, but did there marriage fail? NO!

I can go on and on....but bottom line is let's try to sieve wat we consume, every marriage is unique, what works in jacks marriage might not work in Ade's marriage.

But wen Ade is trying to use jacks own template as his own, then Ade is looking for trouble. Most marriages crash because some couples have been painting this idea from what they read in novels and watch on TV, paloma and Diego, gardeners daughter and telemundo.

After painting this sweet picture in their heads, they go into their weddings looking for the "happily ever after" which in most cases is not existing.....and once dey go through episode 3 season 5 of their marriages, they start thinking divorce.......

At OP, una nor fit just come dey copy everything for internet dump for nairaland.... Imagine California, Illinois and Florida in your post, to people in Lagos, Enugu and kano reading on Nairaland..... No be trouble una dey find.

Some stupid girls and boys who are married and have been coping with their spouse's tight schedule at work will read point 4 and wires will spark and start thinking of how to fight their spouse for putting career before family....forgetting that in this unique naija economy that might be the only way to put good food on the table. Whereas, the oyinbo man in Florida has most things done well by the govt already and doesn't need to overwork.

Just use your head and think ahead....each marriage is peculiar ......

I very much agree with you.

byvan03:
The lady is really dim. So you have no advise for her as a married woman that you are?

Dim ke? This is all shades of hilarious

A baby mama to a married man jealous of another woman?

And the wife of the man would claim she is married?

The wife want to do jazz for what? Have the man solely to herself? Drive away the third woman?

This is nollywood worthy