₦airaland Forum

Madampinkolo:
@Babyosisi
It's not fair to make blanket statements like that as per Nigerian man will sit and wait to be fed etc.That bad character cuts across race oo.There are very very lousy oyibo fathers and husbands around.Let's just say our culture frowns more at the notion.My husband is born and bred african man,the thing dey his blood but my expectations in marriage and his too have led to us making decisions for the greater good even though others may view him as being silly.I see and appreciate what we have (esp when the devil isn't prodding me )..I believe many homes are enjoying the same just that it's difficult for the men to confess being this way cos some friends and family will say they've chopped vegetable and have turned to slaves.I find this so odd cos where's the slavery??it's OUR kids,OUR home,OUR money,OUR lives.

In my hubby's workplace,you'd find the dads(Nigerian,white,mulatto) racing home after work ends early to take their kids to the park just because the sun is out.

I'm pretty sure there are Nigerian men who are stay at home dads and doing very well at it BUT because of the way they will be ridiculed,they just have to stay silent and keep up the act.When you live in a certain place and see how people you mix with take care of their families,help out at home,somehow you find yourself doing the same.

I don't find it emasculating in any way..the situation is the decider of what will happen.Is it in the best interest of the family that the man stays home cos hes the lower earner etc? No point working and earning 2,000 while child care bill is 4,000 especially when the lady out earns him.Some men are excellent care givers and will give up their careers for the well being of the children till things become stable.
Depends on the couple and what works best for them.If they feel ashamed,they adjust accordingly.Anyone who stays home with toddlers deserves an award cos it's mentally,physically and emotionally draining.
Sometimes when hubby comes home,im knackered and he just helps himself to food and stuff.I'd expect the same if the reverse was the case.

When the stay at home partner is there due to laziness and being a natural leech,then it's a different ball game.

As I say,my views may be unconventional but i find that daily my thought process is expanding.There's no one size fits all situation.Every home differs.

Shollypopzz:
What do you have against stay at home dads? He can stay at home to take care of the home and kids.

Madampinkolo:
@bukatyne
Yes,i'll be starting next year...
@rotation..I'm still a stay at home mummy for now naaa
My point is that it's not all dire..at least in my experience
An abuser will be an abuser regardless of status.
What an income does is give the option to escape,yet many still stay beind.
Stockholm syndrome i guess

Madampinkolo:
I am currently a SAHM,and I'm not doing any selling on the side.I just buy,Buy,buy when I need to .I am not business savvy unfortunately but I'm a wizz at managing our finances.
I have NEVER suffered abuse and never will.

If you are married to a raving lunatic,whether stay at home or earning 1million,if he's abusive he will continue that way no matter what.
Why should I earn respect due to the size of my salary or wallet?Why should my views be heard or not based on my earning ability?
I control the family ATM. HUbby doesn't bother with anything that has to do with money cos its safe in my hands.Why should he add that to the list of headaches he has?When he has a natural calculator as wife?

I know how many hours I spend making and balancing the excel sheet making sure we meet all responsibilities, give a percentage to charity and still set aside something for savings.Plus something for eating out o.I subscribe to living below your means. My hubbys colleagues earn the same,have same nbr kids but always in the red and borrowing.
I could live in a bigger house and drive a faster car left to hubby BUT I've reasoned that having money saved plus small small investment is better at least for now.Bigger money bigger things but still will be living below our means.
I do not beg for anything.I buy whatever I want,when I want.He doesn't ask at questions cos he figures I have a reason for whatever I buy.Heck,I buy all the clothes in this house.He just CANNOT be bothered.He has said if I finish all the money we will die together hehehe.

He even feels I'm suffering at home.I wash clothes in the washer, someone irons them and a cleaner comes in twice a week.our child goes to nursery a couple of times in a week to allow me cool off.Just one toddler can send you to a mental asylum.
When you have shown yourself to be sensible, smart, intelligent,capable of holding your own and worthy of respect,a normal sensible man will recognise that and adjust accordingly.
If you are all that and married to a demon,you shall gnash your teeth forever.
If you are an olodo in every way plus sahm,then you also need salvation.Even at that,there will be someone who will love you and your block head like that
It would have been a nightmare if I was working as baby has sleep issues,feeding issues etc.Hubby appreciates all the effort I put into making our home run smoothly. He's reached a point in his career where his earnings now will be much more while allowing flexibility with his time which wasn't possible these past years.Next year its my turn to build my own career.Its worked out great for us.
Stay at home mom and dad get levels. Just always plan together and know who you are married to.
Remember as i always say..I'm naturally kolo and hubby is very very chilled out.It's working for us as is.Many may end up in Hades if they live like this.Trusting someone so much with finances.From next year of course,all my money earned will enter the family purse and i'll continue as per usual

moca:
Believe u me,there are stay at home mum's that are very comfortable.
It all depends on ur spouse,u, tthe family financial capability etc.
Some control their hubby's atm card yet they are not doing anything except taking care of the home front.

Whatever works for anyone,i can't judge.

pastorKosiso:
You no get talk...

freecocoa:
I'm serious na.

Atleast she can buy sanitary towels and undies without waiting for oga to drop money, if she wants to have a coca-cola and buns, she can buy it for herself.

pastorKosiso:
Happy marriage anniversary to her.
I really envy her so much, not like all those babies that can't stay in their marriages eg ini and co...

damiso:
Yeah I was studying and doing buying and selling on the side.Aside from that I had savings as well. Thats me though I can be very restless .

Some women do not do anything on the side and totally depend on the mans income and that's because they both must have decided that the income is the FAMILY income and just because she is not actually earning money does not mean she is not contributing to the family.This kind does not need to be asking for money for pad, money for soup because she actually has all the cards and credit cards.

Cant work for all people or all relationships(maybe not even me sef cos I like buy buy and I would feel bad if I buy another designer bag ) it however does not mean she is more open to abuse.

KanwuliaJara:
With all due "disrespect", the woman NA DUNCE!

moca:
I had wanted to say this too.
U r right coogar.
From what I have read so far, those at more risks of spousal abuse are working class mothers.
Why it's so,i don't know.


Presently, im a stay at home mom. After nursing my baby last two yrs,i started work last year and put him in creche.
He almost died. Was allergic to whatever there and I was torn btw taking him to hospital every now and then and working.

I had to sacrifice my job to look after him
Also,as preggy makes mess of me,i concluded to stay and endure all for the meantime.
Wasn't easy for somebody like me who started making money right from school days.
But one has to adjust

Presently,i have a biz I control(dont hv to be there) so I will hv time for the homefront.

Also hubby has been as supportive as ever.

I still make my money. He still performs his duty 100%.
Have never has cause to beg him for money
The key ingredient is marrying one who rhymes with u.

freecocoa:
Yea, I guess those women with shops can't be called housewives then, still, I'd like to think that no matter how little the shop brings, she can't be said to be totally dependent on her husband.

damiso:
Bukatyne lets not turn the thread into housewife debate thread Some people actually plan far ahead before they had kids that they will not work when their kids are very little(not common in Nigeria I will admit).
Does it make sense for a person to earn £2,000 a month and pay £2,400 on childcare if they have 3 kids under 5?


Being a Stay at home mum in the sense that I am not talking about sef is not really a Nigerian thing per se.Not earning money= no value in Nigerian context so Let's just leave it at that.

I stayed home for 2 years when I had my son and yes my hubby took care of most the big ticket bills but I was NEVER totally dependent on him financially.

freecocoa:
Some women have shops in front of their houses or close to it, this business generates income for them, so they don't totally depend on their husbands.

Unless the term house wife refers to women who sit inside the house all day(i don't know how anyone can pull this off for years)

I grew up to my mum coming to pick us from school and then take us to her shop, where we often stayed till it was time for us to go home, she was called a housewife then.

Shollypopzz:
At times, I wonder if these people realize how much of a low-life they appear.

Let's assume these made-up stories are true, what does that have to do with domestic violence?

What irritates me the most are women that laugh and joke with these butt-hurt nonentities.

I mean the "slut-shaming" is just pitiful. How can a thread about marital advice get people so worked up and jealous?? Is her supposed past suppose to make anyone dislike her or make her arguments void?

damiso:
There is something called the Stockholm syndrome whereby the abused even when the opportunity arises to leave their abuser does not take it as that is the life they are used to.At this stage the abused's self esteem is so shattered that they actually believe they can't live without this person who is so horrible to them.

While I agree that every woman(to me sef every human adult) should not be TOTALLy financially dependent on another human being all this' stay at home mums'(Efemenaxy like you i hate that term houswife so working wives are outside wives abi )are more likely to be abused' I see on NL is just a rather simplistic one sided way to encourage women to have an income. An abusive partner is an abusive partner regardless of whether or not you earn money.Like Efe highlighted some women decide to stay home for a wide variety of reasons (like I did) and its annoying the way people talk down on SAHMs on NL. There are women who earn an income or are even the breadwinners and are in abusive relationships. Titi Arowolo(who everyone likes to refrence on NL) was even the breadwinner before her crazy husband stabbed her to death .

The sociopathic tendecies one should look out for(which have been highlighted on this thread) in a future partner seems more like a right step in the right direction in warning people to not even getting entangled in such relationships in the first place.

Lagos state now has a domestic violence legislation which I think needs to be adopted at a federal level . More NGOs and charities should offer more education and help to those in already volatile situations (which I know they are actually doing).Like I said the Nigeria I grew up in did not see a man beating his wife as a good thing, it might not have been seen as a crime like it is the west but it certainly was not something to be proud of.

Then again its such a complex issue because even in western climes where there is support (I even know someone who was relocated to an outside borough because she feared for her life)no ostracism for single mums, some sort of govt welfare which means she and her children won't starve etc ; you still find women (and men) staying in abusive relationships.I cant fathom it because I believe self preservation is an innate human reaction but again like I said it's very easy to judge or feel differently looking in from the outside.Even my mother had to exert energy to smack me as a child Not to talk of one man now turning me into punching bag as an adult.Haa that one me I can't stand, I have a very low pain threshold.

Another sad scary dimension for me these days is even young girls not even married being abused and even se.xually exploited by gangs and se.x trafficking rings and recruited by 'boyfriends' they feel they 'love'.

It tells me we have ALOT of work to do in raising the next generation have a healthy dose of self esteem and know what constitutes a healthy relationship.

Efemenaxy how are you and family? Hope you have made up your mind now on lil princess?

EfemenaXY:
It's annoying, I tell you.

I understand that it helps if the woman's working and earning (who in their right minds wouldn't want to be an earner?) but there comes a time when one needs to get their priorities right. It's easy for those based in Naija to look down on stay-at-home mums because child care (a.k.a child labour from underaged and underpaid househelps) comes two-a-penny.

They wouldn't be singing the same same song if they've got to fork out £200 a week per child. How much would these same women be earning if over here? When it doesn't make financial sense to work (i.e paying out more for childcare than what you earn), the best thing to do is to stay back and look after your kids till they're old enough to go to the free state nursery.

Finally, it's common knowledge that kids who've got at least one of their parents looking after them during the very early (and most important) years of their lives tend to be more adjusted, more content, more settled, more amiable, and much happier than those shipped off to nursery / childminders from 7:30 am - 6:30 a.m five days a week, 52 weeks a year.

edwife:
Thank you sweetheart,no need to talk much.
I don't know why they always have this impression of stay at home mums as slaves .Gosh a woman can not decide to stay at home without someone thinking she has lost her mind.

Being a housewife is a full time job and no one has the right to look down on women who choose to do so.

I have always said it i was a super,cute and fulfill stay at home mum and if i have to do it again,i will.

SmartFaces:
Ahh!!!, i don die for colour names.

Sunshine yellow... and champagne... What do they look like?

Pllllleasse post a pick of your deco. I am really learning colours Pppppplease.

How are you?

Onegai:
This is a great plan OP! You're gonna be just great! Awesome!

Sigh.

People misunderstand one of the greatest benefits of marriage: Companionship for both male and female.

Do you know how hard it is to find friends that like what you like and even if they don't, at least they will listen to you??

Do you know how hard it is to find someone who will totally understand Junior is getting on every last nerve of yours with his behaviour.

I don't get it when I see men treating their wives badly or see women sidelining their hubbies for their kids. The one person who is obliged to pay half-attention to that gist about that guy's sis from work dating your 3rd cousin twice removed, you're pissing them off. Because apparently you think your friends or kids are gonna be there forever.

If you can't stand up to your parents and tell them your decision and make them respect it, you're probably not that mature...

Sigh.

OP, good luck with your choice. It is your choice and the world must respect that. Let us know how things work out.

coogar:
no!

ImBae:
Lol.

Good suggestions but I don't want to involve feelings that was why I said no sex. I'd rather see side chicks around someone I don't have feelings for than someone I'm attached to. I can't stand it.

SAMBARRY:
who is bukatyne again?

coogar:
who is the ebony lady beside you? isn't that bukatyne?

nkemdi89:
They gone their seperate ways now .

lolaxavier:
So maybe you should answer the question I have been asking and no one has answered.
If she doesn't agree with her husband's persuasion and decides to vote her choice, is it an act of insubordination? Is it justified that he fights /quarrels with her or chases her out?

nkemdi89:
During courtship he was worshipping her like one goddess just to make sure she agreed to his proposal cos she was an hot cake and she expected same to continue after marriage.