₦airaland Forum

5minsmadness:
why first time no? How are you sure he isnt going to stab her with a knife the second time? why not leave at once, the moment she is slapped ten years into her marriage?

and what do you mean by resolution of issues? Can this mean that the man will be cautioned and warned not to hit her again and then when both are relaxed and have come to an understanding she can return?

It is a first time and I believe There is room for forgiveness (the first time)

This would go with severe warning for the guy never to try it again or a retaliation for my sharp sisters. After This forgiveness...

Yea, it can.

Even If a couple is divorced and they realize their mistakes, nothing stops them from remarrying IMHO

5minsmadness:
She can't.
what you described above is an extremely violent relationship and should not be condoned in anyway.
it is far removed from what i was talking about.

Oh really?

The first slap breaks a woman especially when he was not abusive when they married.

The extreme cases are more common than you think.

What makes a lady date the guy who beats her and keeps forgiving a cheat when he is not rich?

What makes her stay with such men when she is not old?

I am removing greed and desperation from the equation.

5minsmadness:
bukatyne, would you tell a woman to leave her five year marriage and kids because the husband slapped her?

First time no

Second time, yea.

Leaving for me does not necessarily mean remarriage (not a fan). The wife can leave for a while pending resolution of the issues.

Shollypopzz:
Physical abuse is not extreme enough? She should only leave when she thinks the man wants to kill her?? Are you trolling me?!!!!!!

Wrong! The correct statement should be, "there is nothing like having a positive father figure". What is the point of having a father figure if the only image you ascribe to him is that of violence, nagging, and abuse? Is has been shown that over 60% of males who grew up with abusive fathers end up abusing their partners. A father plays an important role in shaping the mind of his daughter. He is the first male she gets to know and love. Her first definition of who a man is, is gotten from her father. If she ascribes physical abuse to being a man, she is going to expect that from any other man in her life.


Let me give an example that might help you understand my POV. I have never caught my father cheating but because of my friends and the society I grew up in, I believed that all men cheated. It had been ingrained in my mind subconsciously from my environment and from other people's stories and relationships. I remember a guy (17 at the time) asking me out at age 13 and for whatever reason, he brought up cheating (Can't remember the details, it's been a few years). I remember telling him that, "Well, I expect you to cheat. That's what guys do". Basically, I was telling this guy that he could cheat on me and I wouldn't be mad. Can you imagine?! At such a young age, I had believed the lies that I kept on hearing. He even thought I was super cool for saying that, which made feel like what I was saying made sense.

This ideology didn't last for long but at times, I find myself still unlearning the bullsh1t that growing up in a patriarchal society teaches you. You could have sowed the first seed in that girl's life by telling her that it is possible for someone to love her without hitting her. I hope by the time she realizes it, it's not too late.

A positive father & mother figure is best for the kids.

Enough is enough

All these nonsense should not carry from generation to generation.

If people staying for their kids worked, our society would be saner.

I am usually amazed We parrot stay for the kids and with the. Same mouth blame people when they make wrong relationship choices.

A lady decides to manage a cheating boyfriend or an abusive one and We complain forgetting that's exactly What the father does to the mother and they are 'happily' married for 30yrs.

These things don't work in insolation; We don't sow oranges and reap mangoes.

5minsmadness:
No she didnt grow up in an abusive home. Mr Tega was a perfect gentleman. The mother might have been slightly verbally abusive though.
No, this guy was her first boyfriend.

It was a kind of in-thing around warri at the time. Most of them ladies saw a guy who couldnt hit them(of course there must be a good reason,go figure) as a wuss/gay/boy. Dunno if they still feel that way, any warri babe confirm pls. (warri girls are tough!)


While this may be true I very much doubt she thinks so. She was an aspiring student, very social and caring. Just had a wierd view on love(to me anyway).



No. They stay because they are willing to sacrifice even their lives to ensure their kids have the very best and that includes a proper family. There is nothing as complete in a child's life as having a father figure as well as a mother figure. Life is not a bed of roses and no situation is perfect.

Of course there are extremes to all issues, a woman shouldn't remain in a house where the man obviously wants to kill her.

How does a woman in an abusive marriage constitute or ensure a proper family?

Or the man is a monster to his wife and becomes saints to his kids?

Or he beats mama where nobody can see or he ships the kids to a boarding house So he can deal with mama wella?

I am trying to understand How a broken woman can be any Good to herself talk more of kids.

5minsmadness:
lol@ sowed the first seed.
First off, I did talk to her about it. if you re-read my post you will see where i saw her way of thinking as weird, and i told her as much but she was adamant and even went on with her friends to plan the fake quarrel behind my back.

second off, I knew you were going to say something in the lines of your first sentence hence my caveat at the end of my last post. Physical abuse is wrong, yes, but it is DEFINITELY not the end of the world like you ladies like to paint it on here. There are men who strike out in anger at their wives but definitely not to the point of sending her to the hospital. i know a funny tale of a guy who bends his wife over his knee and spanks her bum good and hard when he wants to teach her a lesson. Their children did NOT grow up in any way to be wife beaters or invalids to the society(they are actually very successful folk). I wouldn't tell a woman to pack out of her matrimonial home for instance because the man slapped her. i would caution him not to do it again though.

i am not condoning physical abuse in any way, far from it. And i do think what the op wrote up there is insane. However, I recognize that some people's way of reasoning differs from others. That girl up there will never marry a gentleman. They will never be able to get along because their line of reasoning will always be polar opposites.



this is an overly dramatic statement. Many fathers hit out at their wives once in a while and are still good caregivers, providers and wonderful with kids. the world isn't black and white.


and how are you sure your statistics of 60% wouldn't have occurred regardless of whether the boys had abusive fathers or not? How are you sure the boys weren't abusive because males are naturally more aggressive?

I believe physical abuse is wrong and should be discouraged, but not all warrants the woman packing her load and leaving the house with her children.

Considering you are not at the receiving end, it is ok

pickabeau1:
Can u expatiate more on what you mean by men having privileges without checks

Culture where nothing happens to men when they cheat and the wives run mad?

Even when it is the husbands that die, There is the widows rituals

If a man decides his wife would not do a,b,c What happens?

These are just very general cases.

rittyben:
Our society frown so much at single mothers. People see them as irresponsible girl(s) that "God decided to expose". You introduce your child, the next question is "so you are married", or "thought you are single". You confirm that you are single, the next respond is "oh" or they make one funny face.
But in truth, our only crime was to say NO to ABORTION.

How many people have walked up to you to discriminate you?

You have got your life to live and yea the society might have skeletons in their cupboard you can never acquire

And most importantly, do not expect pity from people or believe you are entitled to smpathy because you are a single mom.

coogar:
they didn't fight for nada....
they were accorded their respect at every phase of civilisation. there was no feminism in place when the captain insisted women & children should be rescued first on the titanic.

women in sierra leone voted as far back as 1792 in our very own patriarchal africa. the word feminism hadn't even be coined as at then. women always had privileges!

I hear you

Women always had it Good.

emusmith:
Like Kika23, I learnt from this thread...

Lucky you

SAMBARRY:
Seriouse enjoyment o.she needs to buy the the latest lace wig and the latest gorge. She also has to show herself at the latest club

who go see free money and no go jump on am

Lol

5minsmadness:
Ladies, these are what you should know before you accept to date a married man

1. He is dating you for the sex. Sure he may tell you he loves you but honestly it's just for the sex.

2. He needs you to look pretty all the time. If he wants to spend the night with a pale faced scatter - haired woman in a faded nightie+wrapper, he'll go to his wife. always look pretty and sexy for him.

3. He may dump you at anytime. Remember you are the side-chick. He honestly has no long term plans for you.

4. You MUST NOT confront the wife. Just because he is fucking you doesn't give you the right to think you are at par with her. You aren't. Don't go there. Keep off.

5. You are only as useful as the sex you provide. That's what he lacks in his marriage. That's why he came to you. So pls do read up on your kama-sutra.



There are a lot of benefits in being the mistress, finances, parties etc etc but pls realise it doesn't last forever. When push comes to shove, he'll go back to his family. And he won't mind you starting yours as long as it is with someone else and you introduce him to another mistress. As long as you understand the above rules everyone can live happily ever after.

Lols @ he will go back back to his wife

This is What you get when marriage becomes the all in all for a woman.

So as a wife, I should be happy that after sharing his divk around, taking his mistresses around the world, spending onthem, allowing them to do tthings he cannot accept from me etc. HE comes back home to me for me to cook and clean for him.

Classic

Some will even come back when they are sick for the wife to nurse back to health.

Lucky wife.

I forbid such luck for my self and all I know

Like such ladies want marriage from the men in the first place.

The girl wants his dick, care, money and connections.

And no she doesn't have to clean, cook and wash to get them.

Talk of sin, karma (which might not work), the wife finding out and dealing with her etc. And I will hear you.

But dwelling on the negatives of the relationship dynamics? I sorely doubt it.

And with the amount of men having kids outside wedlock, the mistresses might have tightened their games.

emusmith:
I like his sincerity, sense of humour and maturity

Very nice and open husband.

Sharp guy too

He decided his miracle will not pass him by

emusmith:
More and more men are complaining about what they call the women's strategies. Excuses they claim the sisters readily come up with (besides the good old i am tired and i am having head ache) when they do not want to be "ministered to".

At a tongue wagging session with married girlfriends (recently) – some of my ladies shared their escape strategy on the days that Oga has indicated interest to fire down-and they are not in the mood.

1. One said that on such nights she simply wears a pyjamas-knowing that her husband hates anything he has to fuss over-when he is all up.

2. The second lady said that she resorted to wearing non sexy night gowns on such nights but when she realized that her Oga does not mind(so long as there is any point of entry)-she then started wearing something that will be all buttoned/zipped up-on such nights that she is simply not in the mood.


3. Another said that when she suspects the man don balance for action on the bed-she will find chores in the kitchen to keep busy with until he dozes off…and she will tip toe to bed (careful not to remind him of his unfinished business-through body contact) and moves to the extreme end of the bed.


4. Another said that the best exit strategy is to stuff her vee jay with tissue paper to simulate her period.


5. The funniest contribution came from the lady (that spoke last); she said that on such nights, she simply starts acting up. She starts by wearing a frown that greets every small talk/gesture that her husband tries to initiate before trying to start a mini fight. Apparently, he suspected what was going on. So the last time she tried it, he said to her ‘’my dear, I swear to God- we will not fight o…at least not tonight. Just unsqueeze that face because your plans will not work today’’. She said that she fell on his body-laughing so hard. Trust men…he moved in for the kill immediately…while our lady was yet to realize what hit her. Lolzz

Please feel free to share your strategy with us…Oga no go hear, I promise!

To the men…why is it difficult to understand that she may not always be in the mood to be touched? It does not mean that she does not ‘gbadu’ your kini again…just that she is not in the mood at that particular point in time…eeerrr make Oga sef dey rest nau, haba!


Imagine the various strategies Men are forcing the sisters to adopt… just to escape it! lolzz


So my dear Nairaland wives, husbands or even couples to be , Contribute...


Source: Lailasblog.

The fifth husband is funny

5minsmadness:
I used to know these warri chicks back then in 2006. Three of them were having satisfying relationships with their men but the fourth was very worried. When asked what the problem was she said that she didn't believe her boyfriend really loved her. You see, she had discovered that the boy had NEVER raised a hand against her, talk less of shouting on her. She would deliberately do something wrong just to piss him off but the worst he would do would be to shake his head and ignore her.

Her interpretation of his actions was that he didn't have anything emotionally at stake when it came to her else he would have reacted with anger and hit her. If he could not generate enough emotion/passion to hit her then she was most likely a side-chick and not his true love.


In the end she came up with an idea and during a fake argument she tore his nysc certificate. The boy went into a fit of rage and punched her once in the face. She started bleeding immediately and was rushed to a nearby chemist. Being among her supportive friends we were sent to 'warn' the boy not to hit her again.
But it was all a setup. Tega couldn't be happier. The love of her life had finally proved his love by knocking off one of her teeth.

Some people are going to view the op's post as sarcasm. I have seen ladies like her live. What is abnormal for some people is not only totally acceptable but actually mandatory for others.


Variety is the spice of life.

True that

Some women cannot cope with a gentleman either

cococandy:
Maybe they do. I don't want to believe folks who see men that respect women as wussies abi pansies (what's the favorite word again) will do otherwise in real life.

Wouldn't that be strange?

You can't remember the thread of one lady who complained her bf was a saint offline and a devil online?

That is the story of most of them.

Initially I was always pissed when I read Some posts and see same people doing the exact opposite and I realized oh well, it is NL afterall and anybody foolish enough to pick absurd advices when What he/she was currently doing is clearly working is in O.Y.O state

So let's keep getting entertained.

Timbuktou:
BeeKay, women are best treated like overgrown babies. Deal with it .

No p with the kiss, it was always inappropriate

See generalization again

Besides the over grown babies stuff has always been used for men. You can start an opinion poll

Women who behave like babies, treat them as such.

Those who behave as adults, treat them as such.

tobechi74:
no,i will make a terrible husband,
i am not emotional. Wont give her the love she wants

Good you have come to the place of self realization

cococandy:
OP comes and says women are disposable (like tissue or styrofoam) and he's being hailed as wise and true.

Most of you guys on this forum have woman issues. I hope y'all find healing.

I doubt most guys on NL follow What they say

Timbuktou:
I'm sorry you feel that way. The truth is I see women for what they are, it's nothing personal. You'll never hear me call women fish-brained, they are what they are and, as men, we have to deal with it from a place of understanding and tact not malice.

I'm just against "pedestalising" women except anyone who has personally shown me unconditional love. All I'm saying is any man expecting his love interest to be shittting roses will weep in the end. Just be real

Be real, I agree with you as nobody is perfect.

However go back to the post you quoted/agreed with

njokusboy:
Lolzzz, I have like 3 sisters, I havnt hit any yet...
And yes, most of the girls I have dated have earned an upper cut at one point or the other..
I just cool off somewhere with a bottle of orijin. that they deserve it, doesn't mean, I give it..

Nd please, I don't need ur kind of prophecies.. ur definition of healing hovers around turning me to a zombie.. I no want

If most of the girls you've dated earned uppercuts, then it speaks volumes of your choices.

tobechi74:
astrologically, i am the air type who deal with reasons. I am not emotional and see no reason for marriage

I see

Still you have not answered my questions.

kputus:
What if he had one or two siblings living with him before the marriage, when then happens to them?

The wife knew he had live ins before they got married

emusmith:
Including yours right?

Yes including mine.

Misogynist2014:
You are doing great injustice to yourself by thinking this is empowering to women (absolute power corrupts absolutely) or that women are going to continue to earn more and more power (it will only worsen gender relations and raise spoilt children, and a case where neither men nor women are happy since they've left their natural roles). This is not about emotions but pure logic. Let me quote to you my most loved law of diminishing returns: 'the employment of more and more units of a VARIABLE FACTOR will eventually cause the TOTAL PRODUCTION TO DIMINISH AFTER INCREASING AT A DECREASING RATE'. Yes, women are going to have it good, become president, rule household, control companies, howbeit for a short time, then emasculated men would wake up, face de-feminised women head to head (as it is in the muslim and arab world) and force this seemingly unstoppable train of female revolution to diminishing returns, till equilibrium is established, where there will be negligible increase or decrease.

Read my previous posts: I would never be a party to such foolishness

I agree with you that If women are over-empowered, men would face them head to head.

However you should realise that at one time, men were over-empowered, women faced them, gained equilibrium and are now tipping the scales in their favour.

Don't worry, We (men & women) will keep playing the game till the world is extinct

And I am yet to see What is wrong in women controlling companies; it doesn't factor in This discussion as over-empowerment.

pickabeau1:
do u say this is payback for the way men had it for long

I thought u were condemning the judgement earlier

Supporting the woman reaping where she did not sow because men did in the past is not payback but wickedness...

I was pointing out that the issue of having privileges without checks did not start with women.

Timbuktou:
Men have always earned whatever 'rights' and privileges they enjoyed. Women get it handed over to them by men. Fact

Are you aware that at a time in history, not all males had the right to vote? Only those that owned land actually could vote, and at another time males had to earn a certain amount of money to be accorded the privilege of voting? Or that men were once forced to join the army and fight wars, and so on.

BeeKay, history is there to learn from, let's leave sentiments aside and speak what the truth is.

I speak the truth as I see it.

Women did not have rights handed over to them, they foughtfor it too... Hence the birth of feminism.

Justfollowit:
This has set a precedent which may not have been successful if it were a man.

The child is 36 years old for goodness sake. He is no more a dependant. What stopped her from claiming child support when they divorced.

Of course it has a feminist angle to it. The law has to be interpreted to support our claim whether the claim is logical or not.

Which still doesn't fit in feminism

Anyways, I hope the woman loses

Timbuktou:
Forgive me, I know you're married. But I just kissed you. That's exactly the way wom$en should be treated, and is, in fact, how the law wants women to be treated when one considers the millions of femcentric policies littering the western world.

Women are never held to account for anything.

Sorry but I have to reject your kiss

I disagree women should be treated like kids.... I said such laws not making the women accountable will make them So.

Degrading women to earn kisses means me degrading myself.

I am a woman and don't want to be treated like a Child.

Timbuktou:
I wonder why this is so hard for 'feminists' to see. All they have is privilege without responsibility. Power without checks and balances is a beast no society should breed.

And for all their 'strength and independence', they have earned very little of the power they seem to wield and abuse so blatantly.

Like men did not have it so for long

Welcome to the before before world of women.

SAMBARRY:
Lobatan. Need i say more

Lols

Honestly, the mistress in that post is enjoying