₦airaland Forum

pickabeau1:
How many families have u seen where the woman is the chief breadwinner



How many families have u seen where the woman is the chief breadwinner
How many have u seen where the woman is overburdened

@bold, you really don't mean that

Until we all acknowledge the problem, there will be no solution

Flytefalls:
Yes, that's my own conclusion. I have hope that people will one day get it right, we have emerged from the dark ages at least.

Amen o!

Pamcrest:
Ah, I no wan talk ohh.
Before she married Danjuma, Daisy was actually married to a man and had four children for him, all grown up now. The husband used to work in Shell but she suddenly left him to marry Danjuma whom she apparently had been cutting shows with. Anyway she dispatched Danjuma's wife n took over. She then had a daughter for Danjuma. Her erstwhile husband fell very sick n has been in coma on life support in a UK hospital for many years now. She has refused to consent to removing him from life support. Daisy is enjoying her life biko........she no send ohh!
My humble submission

Seriously

Na wa o!

freecocoa:
That's why I said you only bring in husband where absolutely necessary.

My hubby told me that a spouse has the sole responsibility to caution their family member which I have come to realize that's true.

In the case of MIL and DIL, I will blame MIL more... even if the DIL is a witch, the MIL has the responsibility of keeping out if their way and if she is not comfortable, then leave. I am talking from experience

We have a somewhat In-law (wife) but we have learnt to walk around her... it is her home, her rules.

freecocoa:
Ofcourse no one should have to endure emotional or physical abuse but you find out that, it usually starts from trivial issues which were not resolved, resentment is then built up, followed by hatred and once it gets to this point, it is usually more difficult to settle, that's why I said it's best for DILS to apply wisdom, applying wisdom doesn't mean keeping mute.

There's something called, 'stooping to conquer' I strongly believe it works well in MIL and DIL relationships.

Why should the DIL stoop to conquer in her own home?

I would advice every MIL to behave in their sons' home how they behave in their daughters' home

The home belongs to the husband and wife... others should learn how to abide by their rules.

Flytefalls:
Not to disrespect anyone's culture, but there is so much confusion at present. I see it. It's so sad. I wouldn't even begin to list the contradictions, I just pray for peace

The confusion comes from mixing culture and religion

SirShymexx:
I don't any guy who has a career would be "insecure" around high-flying women. I'd say successful women are more attractive/appealing cos they have a mentality you can relate with easily, from the perspective of being independent. And with that: you will also get a great value when it comes to a good mother who will be able to raise ya kids the right way.

They abound. I know two of my colleagues who stayed put because their husbands do not want them to leave their current jobs (aka earning higher or near them).

The men are top flyers in their fields too.

Read a story here of a woman whose husband asked her to resign from her job to care for the kids. The last child was mature enough to plead with the mother to keep her home so you understand that caring for the kids was not the real issue.

I think the major clash here is difference in culture...

I see women beaten everyday, you see men set up daily and volia! we cannot relate because we are not looking at the same things.

What the OP portrays is very real around here and it does not depict a weak man, it depicts a overburdened wife.

Timbuktou:
1. In such cases, the woman is head of household. Simple as that.

2. Oh, so women want to be without control, doing as they please? They don't want to submit to authority but want to be under authority? They don't need to be married then. If you're going to be married to a man be prepared to submit. Hehehe

The wife is the head of the home if she outearns or earns equally with the husband

What will you do if your wife gets a very good job today and outearns you?

SirShymexx:
Are they really getting the short end of the stick, or is it a case of eating ya cake and having it at the same time? And if you think fixing it is the way to go - why not fix both sides to make it a two-way street? However, these folks just want to fix are the aspects they deem unfavourable to them - while trying to keep that favours them to the detriment of the other party. It doesn't work that way. I believe the whole madness has more to do with having leverage and complete dominion over men - and that's unacceptable.

Let me cite a few examples:
- The man has to be the protector/primary-provider but decision making in the family has to the woman's responsibility - and he has no authority. When even in businesses the primary shareholders, with the highest number of shares (in terms of contribution) are always the directors/authority. So, if the man is the biggest contributor, why deny him the authority?

- Oh, African traditional marriage setting is obselete - however, paying for traditional rites/rituals during marriage ceremony isn't. And men have to pay bride, and go through all that other nonsense with the bride's family. A culture that's obsolete in the same western culture they're trying to project as "modern". Why not do away with darn redundant traditional rites/rituals - and make the evolution complete?

- Equality is the new kumbaya - but when it comes to domestic violence, she can get physical with the man and hit him. However, if he reciprocates the gesture, he automatically becomes an abuser. Why not mutual combat, affray, or self-defense (based on the first person to get physical)?

Etc.

Personally, I wouldn't mind an "evolution" that's all inclusive and that actually works - not some one-sided nonsense that's only favourable to one party. Thus creating dysfunctional marriages, with an extremely high divorce rate, unhappiness, and a sharp rise in "baby mama" culture - the bane of every society. Also, when you juxtaposition let's say our parents' generation with this one - you'll find out that despite whatever imperfection was/is in their marriages, it's still far better than what's attainable today. So, why fix it, in lieu of something more problematic? - hence I said it isn't broken. A lot of these folks just don't know what they want - it's basically about creating some inane fantasies in their heads, and expecting everyone else to buy into that utopia.

I'd say a better "evolution" that's a two-way would be very perfect for most guys. At least, that'll take a lot of societal pressure off our backs, and it'll make the institution more competitive - without leeches. And I'm all for the individualism it will create. When women-folk are ready for that - I shall buy into.

Anyway, what do you think about the picture ol'girl posted on the first page?

-Does that automatically accord the 'authority' to the woman if she is a primary provider? What is obtainable today generally is a woman contributing a lot if not more to the family coffers. Even if the woman is not contributing financially, she pulls her weight domestically. We also cannot compare a business setting to a home setting.

- Not all cultures pay the bride price. I am sure the bride's family also have 'rites' they perform towards the husband's family

- You are right here or better still teach people to keep their hands to themselves.

I agree that for the modern order to work, both parties must be considered and not a one sided thing.

However, look at Slimyem's post...

That is what we have practically in this side of the world I am in (Nigeria).

An average Nigerian man does not want a 'liability' aka housewife yet he wants to be the sole decision maker and leave all the chores to the wife who should still look like Beyonce or Kim.

Just how the scales are tipped to the favour of women in the west, the scales are tipped to the favour of men here in Nigeria.

slimyem:
Well...
I am saying the gender equality cause has made the expectation higher and it is as if these men are waiting for us to prove that we can do it all or fail in the process. Have you not seen how they are quick to point out or refer to the cause in mockery when issues or topics like this come up?

Most responsibilities in the home like domestic labor, child care, tending to the elderly, and so forth, continues to fall on the women so also is constantly looking like Cleopatra while contributing to family coffers.

Rather than the fight been seen as one where women are supposed to be able to do ANYTHING, it is seen as one where we are supposed to be able to do EVERYTHING.

Philosopher slimyem

You are very correct...

It is well

Nice, but it would be more difficult to prove

@OP:

Sad stuff

What you feel is normal... when you commit yourself to a relationship, it is difficult to let go.

You are human.

I would advise you go visit her one more time and have a heart to heart talk with her watching her expressions. Ask her about your future plans.

This discussion would determine If the relationship progresses or not.

A poster also said they ended up getting married. You could ask him How it happened.

Me thinks her parents have said no and she is also finding difficult to let go.

It is best you cover all .bases So There is no I did not try hard enough feelings aka regret.
It is well.

Ngokafor:
....I really agree with those who have described most Nigerians as the biggest hypocrites for real..

...so cheating is now a good ground for divorce?...jokers!..

...see them spitting 'leave her' all over the place because the Victim' is a man...nonsense!

...confused folks with warped sense of right and wrong.

Lols

Suddenly it is a man and divorce is no longer evil neither is the concept of single parenthood.

Even learnt that a cheating wife can kill

Hahaha

@OP: since you forgave the first time and she didn't repent, it is game over

cococandy:
That's what I told my mom too.
Most people pretend like they don't know their mothers and expect the new wives to magically please the woman who has been difficult to please all her life.

I know my mother very well.
So if my brother's wife has a problem with her tomorrow, when I hear the story, I will immediately know if she's at fault or not.

Someone like my mom will like a reserved, quiet, not too flashy babe.
She tried all my life to mould me into a good church girl who wears moderate make-up and stays virgin until marriage.
She will complain about make-up,double earrings.
Complain about knee length dress or skirt.
Complain about tight trousers and sleeveless tops.
Hian!

If my bro gets married tomorrow and my mom gives the wife grief over dressing and conduct, I will side with my sister-in-law instead of pretending as if I don't know my mom over reacts to such things.

Sons should know their mothers and keep them in line to avoid friction.

It is not as if there aren't badly behaved daughters-in-law, but the default setting for most Africans is respect for the older folks while the older ones try all means possible to assert their authority.

Easy should do it.

Very true.

We are not just truthful generally in Some issues

Even a man who cannot stand his mom's bossiness would look the wife somehow If she says mama is bossy

Sweetlemon:
People that are calling money are just bad belles. Is your first lady not rich too? Does she even have kids?

The key to looking fab is working out, eating healthy less fatty foods, and then wearing the right (not necessarily expensive) clothes.

Madam,

Which of your points doesn't cost money?

The following are instrumental

Good money
Good genes
Good complexion
Good husband (nor Follow always)
Good dresses sense
Dedication to staying fit

She only has control over the last two.

Her husband looks so young too.

Tallesty1:
IF YOU TREAT ME RIGHT i will be the perfect wife




sometimes, treating a woman right brings out the demon in her.

Marry the right one then

@OP: selfish

@OP,

True in Some cases.

slimyem:
Why does anyone have a problem with the original picture.It's not like it is too far from the truth. That's what our men of today expect a wife should be. A do-it-all woman.Gender equality proponents have also not made the struggle any better IMO.
It is left for every woman to know her limits and know when to say it's just enough.

@Gender equality proponents, How is that So?

aderonila18:
By Nigerian standards Good wife = Sufferhead/ Mumu

Don't forget to add to your list that she's expected to pack condoms in his suitcase when he is traveling and then do fasting and prayer against those jezebels tempting her first child since the Nigerian man is never to be held accountable for his actions When she catches him cheating she must give him more sex, cook his favorite meals, make herself look pretty and never dare to nag him

She should submit her salary to him and even if she earns more and contributes largely financially she's never to ask questions about how and what he intends to spend the household money on otherwise she will be labelled an evil woman who arrogant because she has money

Everyone loves a Mugu, who wouldn't like a "good Nigerian wife"

Lol @ everyone loves a mumu.

And What is This selfishness with If the man dies and the women remarries?

Why doesn't the man kill her? That is 100% guaranteed.

A wife invests her life in contribution to the common wealth of the family and the husband thinks she is not trustworthy enough to be his NOK?

Is marriage compulsory? If you cannot do right, why don't you just stay single?

@OP:

In This case, trust but verify.

Open a new account and learn to be financially prudent and build your own wealth.

After a while you are no longer desperate, you can ask why he did So.

Right now you are thinking you committed all and he betrayed you. Don't discuss with him now.

You need a calm head.

Modified:

forget about confronting him sef and work on yourself. Forget securing your place in the marriage... you are not a security woman.

Since his condition is that you train the kid alone, tell him you have considered it and are willing to cater for the baby till he can find his feet. Go ahead and have it.

Open a new account fast!

cococandy:
@bold is what I would do or advice anyone I know to do if me or them were in her position.
Her action is quite unethical in my opinion.

But we ain't sha and it has gone to court. So instead of dragging it out as if the kid wasn't his responsibility too, he should just calculate what it cost and give her since she wants it. Clean severance. Bye bye.

Let's watch How it plays out

Pamcrest:
This Danjuma man who forgot half a billion dollars in d bank claiming he doesn't know what to do with d money. Since that unfortunate statement, my respect for him dipped big time. As for Daisy,......let me just hold my tongue.....her husband is still in a coma in a UK hospital oh
All is well sha!
My humble submission

Which of her husbands?

I thought he is the one by her side

rationalmind:
Yeah, sure. I do stay out of their way.

I read the post of someone who said their live-in relative knows everything going on in the house due to his presence during morning devotion and I smiled.

While my cousin quarrels with me I don't partake in morning devotion and vigil (they occasionally organise vigil in the house), the wife perhaps is happy I'm not privy to their secrets.

That poster just gave me more reasons to avoid the vigils and devotions. It's perhaps the best way to stay out of their way

The CV (your signature ) back wire.

Weldone and God bless you

babyosisi:
There is a story of an MIL that came visiting
Daughter in law wanted to treat mama to a better life so she was cooking chicken and fish in large qty and serving mama
As they were opening cans of evaporated milk,mama asked them to save her the empty cans
The DIL even asked neighbors to save their empty milk cans thinking mama was going to use it for moi moi in the village
THe DIL got the empty containers washed and dried and bagged them
The day her son took her home,her co wives and neighbors gathered to welcome her.As soon as she arrived the compound and offloaded her things and her son hugged and waved her goodbye to return to Enugu,the Woman proceeded to tell the women that she now knew why her son Emeka cannot afford to build a house in the village.
She proceeded to tell them how the DIL and her children killed and ate chicken daily,how they were frying eggs and eating with every meal.
Big big lumps of meat in every food.
She reached over to the Ghana must go containing the empty carnation milk cans opened it and showed them all the cans of milk her DIL "onu uto" and her children were drinking.
I don't know if this is a true story but it ain't far from the truth of what obtains in many cases
It's like damned if you do,damned if you don't.

Lols

Next time mama comes, na to drink garri So emeka can build a house

Fhemmmy:
So since the 50s that ladies has been complaining about MIL and MIL has been on the case of their daughter in law, i will assume that most of those MIL passed on already and those Daughter in laws became MIL, and things has not changed, this means that:

As soon as the daughter in law become a mother in law, they seems to forget all those things that they hates and they do same or do something all of a sudden take over the woman as soon as they become a mother in law?

Just What I telling someone who said it was women of these days

See it as a boarding school... a maltreated junior student becomes a horrible senior. You would expect him/her to know better and treat their juniors well

It can also be likened to a subordinate who had horrible bosses becoming horrible themselves

Most people would want others to taste What they have tasted. Besides a miserable wife/student/subordinate is looking forward to enjoying the same rights/privileges as the current oga at the top.

It is just How a boy was jilted and he decides to use and dump girls and vice versa.

It takes an insightful person to come out of the shackles of his/her pain and do the right thing in the same position.


In addition: maybe the DILs do the same their MIL did; stayed in a miserable marriage, made their sons the second husband and refuse to let go when the son marries.

babyosisi:
First of all let no one tell me how her MIL cooks and pounds yam and mops her floor and washes her kitchen linen daily,that is an exception
I am stating the rule.


Let me tell you the big difference between the woman's family and the man's family.
First of all most Nigerian women are younger than their husbands,some by up to a decade so invariably most of the inlaws on the man's side are also older.
If there is a not so educated or uneducated group amongst the two sets of inlaws it is likely to be the parents of the man.
That can be a problem.

Secondly the family of the girl come visiting,they serve their brother inlaw,her mom will also cook and serve her son inlaw
The family of the man visiting,are coming to be served by their daughter inlaw
Huge difference.
With her family,her work burden in the house is decreased,with the man's family her work burden in the house quadruples.
Most MIL on the woman's side will gladly bathe the babies,wash their clothes,feed them,cook,they will be looking for what to do to help out their daughter and her children.
Whereas the man's mother most times will not lift a finger and you wouldn't dare ask them to help,it will be seen as an insult and interpreted to mean that you sent their mom on an errand.

So always remember that
A man's family overburdens the wife and if they add bad attitude to it and a sense of entitlement,it makes matters worse

Gbam

I wish the poster asking on another thread can see This.

My SIL usually comes on Fridays and leaves next day. I have. To cook sometimes from scratch because I intended cooking the next day.

If my mom is coming that late, I will tell her to eat before coming or just buy fruits for the night. I am sure I will not enter the kitchen that late.

Now This my SIL is very nice; she got to know I like foreign series. and she gets for me; she aappreciates my hosting and would thank me a lot. Even call later and thank me So I do not mind making her happy. I even like her to give us a long notice So We can be well prepared.

Imagine she is the type that would ask me why I didn't pound yam at 10pm or is very nasty on top all the stress... na die be that

babyosisi:
Gbam!
And a man who understands that will have a happy home
My mom was in my house rearranging my cups and spices and dishes in the cabinet
She felt my salt and pepper and curry and thyme should take a place on the top right cupboard where my flat dishes were
I returned and she had rearranged everything
I said thanks mom but I prefer it the way I kept it and I switched it back
She took it nicely,
I also said mom,when you go to nnamdi's house,please don't rearrange anything there
People need to speak to their moms before they go visiting their married sons
Even their best intentions can cause katakata
Too many marriages have crashed and almost crashed after visits from the man's mother
We can't run from that reality

Very true

Funny enough, If it was your MIL, you might say thank you and endure that arrangement else she would take the correction the wrong way.

We need to tell our mothers to keep off when visiting our brothers.

I started telling my mom even before I got married to keep off my younger brother when he marries anytime We watch/hear such stories.

KanwuliaJara:
The meddling mothers-in-laws who keep encroaching.
Why they can't stay in their own homes is a big nuisance!

I knew a woman who had to hide Some of her clothes when her MIL was coming.

cococandy:
He was supposed to help raise his kid financially.
He didn't have it then. So she bore his responsibility and hers alone.

Well he owes half. So let him pay half the estimate of what it cost to raise the boy

Not an inflated amount because he is rich.
Just half the real amount it cost.
No extra penny.
All ties severed afterwards.


Case closed.

That would sound like the woman is handing over the boy abi man to the father completely when she is not a surrogate. Mother

Since the said man did not have a dime as at the time of divorce to claim child support, she should let it go and be happy the child turned to something grear

The woman should come and learn from Nigerians; they will guilt.her son to drop his life savings.

5minsmadness:
1. lol. That must be some weak-a$$ woman. Women are not as emotionally or phisically fragile as you think

2. NO they are not. i happen to have some experience with these things so I know for a fact that the odd slap is more common than the extreme nollywood movies you keep trying to paint.

3. money, affluence, status.

4. Love, money, affluence, status, respect for the man.

5. That's cheating. Desperation never even came to mind but it is probably a very valid reason as well.

Respect would make a woman stay with such a man?

I give up

And points 3, 4 and 5 are really one point/sentence.

The extreme as you put it is rife.

And at point 1, you know nothing about weak/strong women. A slap from a lover breaks a woman down...

She can decided to become hardened to survive the man aka retaliate etc al or she can decided to believe that is Whatshe deserves and take it low.

A marriage where a husband slaps his wife around is not normal.

HopeAtHand:
She actually looked more beautiful as a dark lady.

That said, no black beauty ever compares to a naturally fairer lady of the same level of beauty..we have to be truthful to ourselves

Beyonce, Rihanna, Christina Milan etc are lighter skin and are beautiful damsels, they wouldn't have half their beauty if they were black..

I dnt blame anyone who choose light over blackness or maybe darkness.

True that.

pickabeau1:
This cheating thing must have really done a number on you woman

Na wa...

So because of cheating which involves BOTH men and women , women now have the right to shuffle their exes for money

OK

I must be in Mars... men no longer mind cheating from their wives

@2nd paragraph, I have addressed that earlier... don't put words into my mouth abi na posts in my hands.