₦airaland Forum

@ OP,

I pray God heals you through and through and I would advise you stay off men till you heal completely

As for the guy, God will judge

Some posters on this thread are heartless sha

Wislet: YOU DO NOT LIKE THE WORD 'SUBMIT' WHICH THE BIBLE INSTRUCTED WOMEN TO DO TOWARD YOUR HUSBANDS.?

Are you a christian??

Why do you find the word ambiguous? Are you perchance, stiffnecked?

CAN TWO CAPTAINS DRIVE A SHIP? Or you want to drag the headship of the home with your husband?

Submission does not mean slavery. If you do not know the meaning, do a search. It does not mean your husband should oppress you/relegate you to the gutter(MEN TAKE NOTE TOO). If any man has such a mentality, then it is unfortunate and he should discard such.

But, some women have not said EXACTLY what they fear in men that gets them aggressive any time they hear 'submit'.

Negative experiences in past relationships could cause that, broken homes, homes where the mother is beaten/maltreated and children relegated to the background, etc....these can result in the bitter feelings some women have toward men.

Men, please learn to treat your women with love. Treat them as you would love your own self to be treated by someone else. Love them as Christ commanded you 'AS HE LOVED HIS CHURCH THAT HE GAVE UP HIS LIFE FOR IT'.

You know how much love one will have for someone that he will be very willing to give up his life for it? That is EXACTLY how much you SHOULD and MUST love your wife!

This will go a long way in preventing a lot of these aggession exhibited by young women today. When children witness their mothers being maltreated, especially the girls amongst them, this is the result. If it's the boys, some copy that and think that is how they should treat women, and the bad cycle continues!

Married people get the family front right! You have a lot to teach and do. You are not hidden. Children are watching you!

Submit accrding to Oxford goes,''To accept the Authority, control or superior strength of sb/sth; to yield to sb/sth''.

If you notice, that is how the church sees Christ. We submit to His authority and control and yield to Him because of His superior strength, we rely on His strength. That is as it should be. When a woman removes every pride and treats her husband even half the way she would treat Christ himself, I think a lot of things will be remedied. When with your husband, ask yourself, ''If this was Christ standing before me, how would I talk to/treat Him?''. Same way treat your husbands.

As for the men, the love of Christ for His church is one devoid of oppresion. HE, in spite of being who He is says,''come, let us reason together''. Do you see your wife as someone whose opinion should not be sought in decision making?
Christ endured mockery, pain and insults from the people He came to save, and saved us in spite of all that. How many of us slap our wives the slightest provocation?
etc.
Should you as mere man do any less?

Maybe when men stop oppressing women in the name of marriage, women will stop cringing when they hear submission

jewel4Hiscrown: Your name is sweetroses, but should it perhaps be bitterleaf... ?? You seem to be upset about something that cannot be solved on Nairaland. My apologies for offending you; consider me officially "off your back".

Anyway... to respond to a few other posts I've seen... all this talk about earning submission does not make sense. The fact that a woman is called to submit to her husband does not mean she is less human or not equal to him. It is simply because God said that this is the order. The Bible says Jesus submitted to His Father; this did not make Him any less God than He has always been. Bringing the example closer home, I heard someone give the analogy of a CEO at the helm of a company. Many times he is not as educated as his juniors - many times he is even a bit of an airhead but placed in that position because he is a family heir or something like that. He did not earn his CEO position, but he is the CEO...and his subordinates, many of whom might be way more educated than he is, have to comply with his regulations. While the dynamics are not identical in marriage, the concept is the same.

Every man "earned" submission from his wife when God said it starting in Genesis 3:16 and going on to the Ephesians 5s and all those. The fact that some men are irresponsible does not negate that; just like the fact that some women are unsubmissive and *appear* successful does not mean it should be the norm.

Hi Jewel4Hiscrown,

I pray God gives you the desires of your heart.

Contrary to your opinion, a man has to earn his wife's submission.

Using the example of Christ, you will agree He led and still leads us by example and He proved his love to us before asking us to submit to Him. A man as the leader of his home has to lead in love and his wife responds to his love by submitting to him so that there is a balance.

You will agree with me that a man who loves his wife as stated in 1 Cor 13: 1 - 8 would be balanced by a woman's submission

What a woman does to an unloving husband is not submission but been subservient.

PocketEconomist: To me, this bride price of a thing has always been dangerous business... This is especially true of my people (Igbo) I've seen with my twn eyes where a family demanded that the groom lay foundation of their house before marrying her. I've also heard of ridiculous amounts such as 4m worth of things, e.t.c. After paying all these, many of these men see their wives as possessions and try to control her. One of my uncles even asked me... E le mgbe i ga-azu ahia bata n'ulo meaning when will i buy market. He is refering to marriage as market and wife as commodity. Smh. So my sisters, you see, as long as some men see marriage as nzu ahia, you might not get respect from him. That's the truth.

I think it should be scrapped.

In my place, it is usually returned to the grooms parents.

You seem to have a very matured view about these things. Keep it up, God will surely bless you with the bone of your bone and the flesh of your flesh!

Compliments of the season

njokusboy: Lolzz, my friend go to sleep..Define barbaric actions?? Did this thread say it was owk for men to beat up women So you now want to disagree with the teachings of the scriptures because you are supposedly getting wiser If saying women should be submissive to their husbands or be more humble makes a man ignorant and chauvinistic then what does that make you who advocates and encourages divorce Morally bankrupt, arrogant and totally confused I guess... So a man pays ur bride price, brings you into his home and you don't think dat is enough reason to respect him even if the biblical injunctions are nothing to go by... Its because your mother was submissive to ur father and you are not from a broken home, dat is why you are so bold coming here to talk what you know little or nothing about... Go and interview kids from broken homes, maybe you would get a clue...

I doubt you understand the submission in the Bible.

Look at it this way: all Christians are expected to be submissive to each other. Relate with your wife as you would with a Christian sister/brother

matnx: Most people do what they do because of the influence of others not necessarily because they really like or want to do what they are doing!

That being said why do most ( am not saying all women) African women make marriage a do or die affair? It's because they want to be accepted by the society,to please people and not be laughed at as our society places a woman getting married as her highest achievement in life and as the only value she is worth. Why do most guys get married? Because they want to please their family not necessarily because they want to get married, in fact some even know deep down that they are not ready for marriage.But because we have this mentality of "WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY" many would get stuck in things they are not mentally,financially and emotionally ready for. Same goes for having children.

By the way i personally don't think marriages in the past lasted long because women were more humble than they are now, i think it was men made sure women had no choice but to stay in a marriage. What do i mean? She had no job, no education, she was trained only to get married,bear children and serve her husband.So even if her was maltreating her and her children she had no where to go! How would she feed herself and her kids? She would become a pariah!

You see a man just married 5 days ago,clubbing till day break,drunk,womanising and others. Its obvious he his not prepared to be a family man so why his he married?

Most of the guys commenting here are Chauvinists. A woman should be more humble n blah blah. Women 30 and above are not married and its shameful?! Really? What selfishness and what pride!!

Jesus Christ is the leader of the christian congregation. And yes a woman should be submissive and respect her man. But the bible said also a man should love the woman has his own body and cherish her as christ does the congregation and gave up his life for it ( can you be rude,controlling and unkind to yourself? Can you beat yourself up?). Jesus( he that has been since before the creation of men, heavenly spirit, superior in ways we cannot fathom) washed the feet of his disciples,mere men,fishermen and the likes and gave up his life for us.He led not by expecting or by entitlement but by EXAMPLE! Men learn from this! If you can then you can expect the good and reasonable women to follow your lead in all aspects.

God bless you

matnx: Most people do what they do because of the influence of others not necessarily because they really like or want to do what they are doing!

That being said why do most ( am not saying all women) African women make marriage a do or die affair? It's because they want to be accepted by the society,to please people and not be laughed at as our society places a woman getting married as her highest achievement in life and as the only value she is worth. Why do most guys get married? Because they want to please their family not necessarily because they want to get married, in fact some even know deep down that they are not ready for marriage.But because we have this mentality of "WHAT WILL PEOPLE SAY" many would get stuck in things they are not mentally,financially and emotionally ready for. Same goes for having children.

By the way i personally don't think marriages in the past lasted long because women were more humble than they are now, i think it was men made sure women had no choice but to stay in a marriage. What do i mean? She had no job, no education, she was trained only to get married,bear children and serve her husband.So even if her was maltreating her and her children she had no where to go! How would she feed herself and her kids? She would become a pariah!

You see a man just married 5 days ago,clubbing till day break,drunk,womanising and others. Its obvious he his not prepared to be a family man so why his he married?

Most of the guys commenting here are Chauvinists. A woman should be more humble n blah blah. Women 30 and above are not married and its shameful?! Really? What selfishness and what pride!!

Jesus Christ is the leader of the christian congregation. And yes a woman should be submissive and respect her man. But the bible said also a man should love the woman has his own body and cherish her as christ does the congregation and gave up his life for it ( can you be rude,controlling and unkind to yourself? Can you beat yourself up?). Jesus( he that has been since before the creation of men, heavenly spirit, superior in ways we cannot fathom) washed the feet of his disciples,mere men,fishermen and the likes and gave up his life for us.He led not by expecting or by entitlement but by EXAMPLE! Men learn from this! If you can then you can expect the good and reasonable women to follow your lead in all aspects.

God bless you

LBanks: @ bukatyne which ones are low quality men?

Men that are of low quality... Rude, proud, arrogant, untrustworthy, unfaithful, disloyal, condescending, impatient, jealous etc...

The list goes on and on...

apacheguy: the rudeness cld b as a result of ur assumption abt every man being rude, you knw, hv a open mind and b humble, it works like a magnet nd gv u the wife material brand

Lol!

Expect you are a mind reader, I don't think you can know what I am assuming or not

I am not searching either

Compliments of the season

safarigirl: bros you just dey yarn dust. There are MANY marriages in Nigeria where the husband and wife have turned the house to WWE arena, where did you get that idea that every married woman in Nigeria is submissive or every submissive woman is married? Submissive women tend to be extremely dull and slow, they can't do anything without being told to, they can't make decisions on their own, they're no better than housemaids and are of little or no use to their husbands. You'll never appreciate that smart, sharp, independent woman until the dull carpet you left at home starts calling you when you're in a different state/country to ask you silly questions like if she should pay the guys that dispose the trash (I had a neighbor like this, sickening)

I think you are mistaking submission for something else

niyitogun: I agree with you. It is important for both. But the truth is it is about the way most important quality that attracts men to females when we want to settle down whereas it's not the most important trait vise versa but it is also important. Op here just shed light on something most ladies may not take as important or overlook. Contrary to what the media or some feminist may preach this is very true. Op truly loves ladies to have shared this.

Does the media/feminism preach rudeness?

sarutobi: Oh my God!
men should run like hell from u.


pls dont attack me, i am just 6 years old.

I don't 'attack' people and if I do, the bolded will discourage me

Leave mature discussions till when you are old enough to grasp the subject matter

My regards to your parents

Compliments of the season

warrior101: Madam, stop the competition and just go and find your match. He must be able to calm this your competing spirit. That's how you know him. If you couldn't find him @ 40 then you're a man in spirit. Now that's a shame... Lol

Up Feminism!!! Lol

Mr.,

Luckily for us all, the OP who started the thread understands simple posts and is capable of having mature discussions.

Don't worry, however you are, you will find your match.

Compliments of the season and have a good night rest

yellowpawpaw: Dayo,ur own na pishure whe others r looking for food.
Compliments(I don't know if u r a xtian)

I will upload my picture at d right time
So keep ur fingers crossed
U don't wanna miss that

My fingers are crossed too

Compliments of the season

2buff: I like the emboldened phrase. You have unfortunately gotten so hung up on the "tell men too" part that you are spoiling it for the others who actually need to get this stuff right.

I also understand that the emotions and responses triggered by my write up will depend on the geographical location of those that read it.
I am not in Naija. I am sure the situation in naija is a lot different than the situation here in North America. (In fact I'm sure most of the issues in naija are caused by my fellow guys based on some of the stories I hear)

Due to the loss of certain values, combined by a toxic media, A LOT of sisters here have really missed their way in knowing how to more naturally relate with their male counterparts. They end up frustrated wondering why, at the end of it all, none of them picked her. As the pain metamorphoses into a terrible bitterness that further keeps the men away.

Pertaining to the bolded, in this part of the world it's actually the opposite. Men are constantly lectured on how to treat women, but then there is absolutely no education on the female side on how to effectively relate with men. Attempts to do so often put you on the wrong side of society i.e "He thinks he can change me". The result is lopsided and often leads to broken relationships... and wasted time.

I now understand where you are coming from and it would help to state it in the OP

There has been chaos between the genders since Adam and Eve and one gender has suffered for it depending on their location.

Gender equality is now seen as a woman wanting to rule a man or vice. The particular example one poster used is funny

Until we teach a balanced view in relationships, tthere will always be problems

You assume only women need correcting. You did not quote the verses I asked you to earlier. Everything has principles and if you do not follow it or if everyone does not play their part, it would fail no matter how others try to make it work.

I guess finding someone to marry is not as hard as courting right and sustaininbg the home.

I believe one of the issues is that women are no longer interested in settling for anything that has a d!ck. Are some women missing it? Yes;

If you want to see more ladies engaged and married, teach both men and women what they need to know. Over trained women around wild men is worse than untrained women around wild men.


Like I would say, there is a man for every woman out there.

No body is perfect and everybody is a project.

Whatever rocks your boat anyways.

Have a merry Christmas

2buff: I'm sure you know it's not always that simple.

Depending on the amount of "correcting" needed because the depth of pride varies per person, the man may simply choose to settle with someone else who already understands the power in humility. Desirable men have a lot of choices. It's a tough market so it's important for YOU to analyse yourself so you don't miss out on the hour of your visitation when it comes. And that is essentially the purpose of this thread.

Contrary to what media tries to depict, the power of choice is still largely in the man's court, and not every man is thrilled with settling with a "project".

2buff: I like that you included the bolded. Let a man try this with a woman that has an overgrown ego and he will know that he has entered something.
One of the calling of a husband is to be her leader and mentor among other things. It is a hard thing to mentor, lead or suggest improvements to an unruly person.

Also, let's not look at things under the lens of extremity and binary logic.
I said humility is more important for a woman than it is for a man, not that a man doesn't need it at all.
I said that to an extent, too much humility and no sternness makes a man less attractive (This is a well proven fact. I won't go into it).

Feel free to go biblical. There is nothing I am telling you here that you won't find there.

OK,

List the fruits of the Holy Spirit and characteristics of love.

Any man who corrects his woman in love will be appreciated. It is not any issue of ego or pride; correct a child inlove and he will take to it. correct that same child in pride or anger or in a non-polite way and you meet rebuff.

A man doesnot mentor his wife with correction, he does by example. A man that is not a good example has no moral standing to 'correct' his wife.

I am not looking at things in an extreme way;I am stating it the way it ought to be

@Baby Mama,

All I can say is that Baby Papa is really enjoying!

Merry Christmas and a happy new yr to your family
,

2buff: Pride need not come out as rudeness. You might never see a prideful person rude, but you will see it in how they respond when put in less than ideal situations.

To an extent, ego is sonething that ties into the masculine package, hence It not being as much of a big deal for men. It is one of those things that women naturally respond to, try as hard as they want to act like they dont.
However, it has no place in the feminine package. No proper man wants a duelling match everytime he wants to have a conversation with his wife or when he needs her to cut back on expenses etc.

And you somehow think that a woman wants a duelling match everytime she converses with her hubby.

The fact that some women will marry low quality men just to bear 'Mrs' does not mean it is the standard.

I don't want to go Biblical yet because I do not know your religious inclination.

In the OP, you mentioned men processing information in a certain way. It will be good you don't generalize every man as some care about their women enough to tell them where they erred so they can improve

And no sir, humility does not make a man 'unmanly'.

It takes a man with healthy self esteem and confidence to be humble

2buff: True, but with some more detailed analysis you will come to realize that it is more so important in the feminine side of the court...

I guess analysis based on culture?

A rude man is huge turn off for me. I can't stand them

Danhumprey: Lol. You're right. Feminism has really eaten deep into the consciousness of the ladies. And they think it's helping them. It isn't helping at all! Humility,as 2buff said should be the watchword. You ladies don't chose the man you want to marry,but a man chose the lady he want to marry. Be wise!

What has feminism got to do with rudeness?

2buff: Ladies, have you ever been toasted by a guy and then all of a sudden, he just floats away?
There are a few reasons to that. It's likely not because you were not physically on point, or he wouldn't have started the process with you to begin with.

In most cases, the 2 possible factors to a good man's withdrawal are:
1. No chemistry with him
2. No Humility.

I have unfortunately come to see a rise of factor number 2 in this our generation, which is terribly unfortunate...

Ladies, a (real) man could care less about your money.
Yes, being gorgeous piqued his interest but you will need more than just that to KEEP it.
Yes the beginning stages will have all the yanga and all that, but after that phase (which shouldn't last too long btw), what are you really showing that man?

The primary thing a man needs from you, is not your love, but your respect.
Because from that, comes the right kind of love necessary to maintaining your man.

I hear a lot of my more honest female friends say: "I cannot love him If I don't respect him".
Love without respect is tantamount to the sort of love you have for a puppy, dog, cat or your girlfriends....not a man.
It is important for every woman praying for her man to keep this very crucial fact in mind.

Now you may think you can pull the wool over his eyes by being nice to him and all that, but you are mostly deceiving yourself because a watchful man is not just looking at how you treat him, but also how you treat others. And if you're faking it, you will slip.

Contrary to what many of you think, men are very intelligent when it comes to deciding who they want to get serious with long-term.
We analyze and we project with fore-sight. We see attitudes and we project them years into the future and analyse the form that attitude will take by then. This is a gift men have, as women tend to be more "in the moment" with their decisions.

It is important to understand that men are NOT women and you cannot associate with a man the way you would with your fellow woman. If you disagree with this, you had better educate yourself for your sake (e.g. I personally don't think anyone should marry without reading a book like "Men are from mars, Women are from venus". Remember those seemingly innocent conversations you have with him? Even though he is laughing with you, he is subconsciously using them to analyse which category you fall in.

You: "Can you imagine that from all the chairs in the room, they wanted me to sit down on that rickety-looking chair?"
Man: "Really? How dare they"
Man's mind: She's too proud. What does she want to sit down on, a throne? She doesn't seem like the type who can easily put her ego aside or "come down" for the sake of peace. That won't be good for marriage...

If you are always trying to tell your man how one person seemingly did this or that to you, and after he analyses it he sees that the person may not have been wrong, though he might agree with you for the sake of peace...he is making other decisions inside him as to what to do with you.

The key to this is (contrary to what you might have thought) not to stop telling your man about your day to day...but to, on your own, be humble!
Detach yourself from the mindset that everyone and everything should worship you, serve you or put you on any sort of pedestal.
Decouple yourself from the "princess" mentality.
Grow the heart of a servant.

Why am I telling you this? Because I am tired of seeing brilliant, heavily-employed, outstanding women totally missing the point and thus remaining single and searching long into their years. I want you my sisters fulfilled and I want you to understand that, contrary to the fallacy of media, Humility is one of your brightest virtues as a woman that will promote every area of your personal life, especially with men. Just as the lack of certain manly traits in a man often illicit's the charge:"Be a man!", I also charge you: "Be a woman!".

-With love,
2Buff

Dear OP,

You have made some very good points in your write up.

However, humility is a virtue to be developed by both men and women.

Humility is not for the female gender alone.

njokusboy: For real In dis era where women are canvassing for equal rights, left , right and centre lyk this....
Humility is no longer a virtue fa, the woman wants her man to cook rice and beans while she gossips with her friends over a bottle of beer...
This equal rights of a thing seem to have done more harm than good, its one of the reasons why divorce rate is very high, our parents lived happily without all dis.. It also explains why men are wary of loud, overachieving ladies.. At the end of the day, men go for women they can live with not one dat is gonna nag them to death...
Plus women are the ones that love marriage most, even a bricklayer can afford a wife but if husband no come for you, ur own don finish... I see them in my church everyday, 30-40 yrs old, wrinkling face, fancy shoes and expensive perfumes praying like their life depends on it, accusing the devil of a crime he didn't commit.. When na dem do themselves... Mtschew... Some of them have turned down good men because he isn't bill gate, brad pitt or adam levine... Or because he doesn't look like me lol... Babes make una wise up...

Equal rights mean a man slaves in the kitchen while the wife is a couch potato?

O Lawd, I want such equality in my life

owoyemi101: Yes ! Same here am happy when am free from my wife ! Waiting for court for final say ! Marriage is something else !

Sorry about your divorce but marriage is not somethin else, marriage to your ex was

Nashville: Poster how can you use the word hatred. On the other hand I think some men are crazy about women and vice versa. Some men just cant get enough of women and that is why some marry four wives and have ten concubines. Some young ladies sef have husband, boyfriend, and aristo by the side. There is nothing like hatred.

The simple truth is that men often misunderstand women and women often misunderstand men. Men and women were not created the same and both sexes have to just accept that. Men and women think differently most times and get emotional/excited over different things. The duty of people getting married is to understand this and work around it. I promised my wife that this Christmas we were going to have two weekends of family outings and shopping. After the first weekend, I had to back out and apologise. Of course she was disappointed but me I don try. I just cant go through another 7 hours of shopping next weekend. Lailai. Shopping is just not my thing and for most guys its the same. But that should not be interpreted to be hatred.

And please ignore the gender warriors here especially those that just attack men without even reading the posts. They say things like Nigerian men are all useless, unromantic, cheats etc, but they will be very quick to tell you their husbands are the exception. They will abuse all the men but claim their husband and father are but the few exceptions. There is no hatred in marriage and love, and even those is bad marriages that are in unhappy are looking for a way to rekindle the love flame. Perfect love casts out any fear so the word hatred is completely inappropriate. The simple issue is that men and women are created differently and we just need to accept is and find a way to be happy. Most men cannot do without women and vice versa.

Defender of the brethren

I understand you completely and I agree that people change.

I also know that there are no hard or fast rules however damiso and ileoba got what I was talking about.

I have see quite a lot ofxperiences where people knowingly lead their partners on.

It is well

[quote author=Efemena_xy]^^ Lol!

Compromises, Dami, compromises - he's got good looks!



Hi Bukky,

You've got some solid points there, but the thing is this...there are no hard and fast rules about how one should act during courtship and what should or shouldn't happen post courtship (re: marriage).

I think it's safe to say that people grow (and I daresay evolve) during courtship. The main thing here is that yes, aside the initial fireworks, the couple try to impress each other. It's a natural instinct, even wild animals do it - you've got birds (e.g: peacocks) displaying their colourful feathers trying to impress and woo a mate, gorillas / apes puffing up and beating their chests (some men do that sef), etc. I think the distinction between us humans and wild animals is when outright deceit comes into it in the form of lying or claiming to be what you aren't. Then yes, it's wrong and that's where the problem lies.

Additionally, after all that wooing and wanting to impress each other during courtship, most married couples sort of simmer down a few years down the line. Now this happens because over the years, they've grown to understand each other and (should) instinctively know what their spouse likes or doesn't like. Also, contrary to popular opinion, people do change during marriage. A man who says he isn't one for performing household chores will do so without the blink of an eye when a love one is involved. Same thing goes for us women.

A loving and caring spouse will do things to make his / her home a peaceful, conducive atmosphere for themselves and their kids. On the flip side of the coin, some do get lazy during marriage. A bachelor who used to cook (quite badly ) for himself will happily give up the apron and frying pan for his wifey to take over.

So you see there are no hard and fast rules about this. At the end of the day, yes, marriage is hardwork and you only reap what you sow into it. It takes a lot of commitment, dedication, understanding and compromises along the way to make it work.

It is well with our marriages.[/quote]

Your last paragraph has become a plaque in the Church

What of people who join the churchbecauae of a particular person

It is well

damiso: That's Ok Bukatyne I get your point.

Maybe my first post was kinda like a ramble but I was just trying to illustrate how our experiences, backgrounds etc kinda shape how we view stuff I.e. I coming from a background where people made a fuss about stuff like that and he growing up without that.Sometimes in marriage we view things on how we percieve it should be and sometimes conflicts are better resolved if we look at the root cause on why the other party does not see it our way.

I agree with you though on not keeping apperances on some core issues eg faith etc.Its deceit if I find out you were doing all the spirikoko church thing only for us to marry and find out you were an atheist all along and just pulled the 'church brother' act to get a wife.

ARareGem: Dear Mimi, I'm sorry to read about your predicament. But first of all, you ought to have known that a man is hardly more romantic in marriage than he was when courting. So then you really shouldn't expect more.

Second, you were aware of the insanely close relationship between your fiancé (husband) and his lady friend, didn't that raise any red flags in your mind before you went to the altar? I mean this issue should have been cleared long before now. You make it apparent to see that your husband still has feelings for the other woman.

Third, it's quite alarming that a newly weded husband is not bothered that his wife gets upset because of a bothersome relationship he has with another woman. Though we've only heard one part of the story, so I want to believe there's more than you let us know.

I would advise you to put the other woman out of your mind. Try to avoid checking his calls and messages so you don't further upset yourself and get into a fight with him.

He proposed to you, took you to the altar, exchanged vows with you, he must have seen something beautiful and real in you that made him do all these. So be willing to fight for your marriage. Do those things that please him, cook for him, clean for him, chat with him, show him more love. Avoid complaints, murmurings, quarrels. If he's not bringing home the romance, then YOU bring home the romance. Fight for your marriage.

And if you're a Christain, prayers never hurt.

You are joking especially the last paragraph right?

The OP is simply the husband's rebound girl. This is a classic case of lack of avaliability.

@OP: Bibilically, there is nothing you can do because he has not cheated on you yet.

I do not know what prayers can do because you knew 101% that your husband did not love you.

Just be prepared to live as flatmates; it would help you prepare mentally not to expect any lovey dovey and if it comes, lucky you.

It will also teach you how to advise your child correctly in future.

Please give the man his space lest he uses frustration to beat you up one day

It is well

@OP: I thought it was the other way round i.e. women dislike women and vice versa

damiso: I never said you were trying to be whatever....I simply did not think 'deceit' was the right premise for the point I was trying to make.As I said I kinda knew that all those things likr birthdays, anniversaries were not his forte and when I said 'show' I meant it in like okay o lets do it please you.Even after marriage he would still do it but not like the big gestures I would pay attention to eg maybe just get a cake and forget to buy card.To him cards are just paper so he will rather wake you up at 12 and pray for you.But I like cards so would say stuff like you eh forgot card again.Stuff like that.

Each to his own, as I said I(speak for myself here) do not see the issue as make or break.I just take exception to the word 'deceit' in my case thank you.See why some people do not like sharing real personal experiences on NL.

Damiso,

Take it cool

The whatever part was because I didnot know the right word to use there.

I never said it was make or break, how can it be?

Apologies on the deceit part. Your first post sounded like you didnot know at first.

I agree with him that the celebrations is commercialized anyways and I think the prayer part is really sweet

Take Care

I get yourpoint too and I am not trying to be whatever

The issue is that if he could do it during courtship to make you happy, he coud continue it after the marriage to contiune the happiness.

It is well

damiso: I get your point Buky but I think the 'show' was really not meant to be decietful.I am tired so cant type epistle but looking back it was more a difference in backgrounds and priorities.My husband cant pretend even if you paid him so I knew he was not a holiday person even while dating/courting.If you look at it sef maybe the deceitful person sef was me cos I knew this thing was not like a real big deal to this person so why the nagging?Why nag and go on and on about it when you know this person does not think this thing is a big deal? If holidays and all those stuff were like a big make or break thing for me I should have broken it off.Like I said even if he did not change I had made up my mind to just do those things I.e birthdays, valentines etc without necessarily expecting the same measure on mine.

My husband still (I know cos he I know him so well) is not a fan of holidays esp valentines day but is (just as he did when dating) making an effort to make me happy.To me that's the real romance or heartwarming part.
Today he still said I pity all those people who go into debt for Christmas . It's just 24 hours I don't get the obsession especially for all this people that don't even believe in Christ .I looked at him and said na you know.

dayokanu: E.g when you fiancee is visiting or youre going to visit him/her

How many minutes do you use to prepare compared to now after several yrs of marriage..

When dating if she use bobbby brush you small you know how you react or when you feel his bulge.
Compare that to 5yrs of seeing each others nuditty every night

We will have spent 8yrs in March 14 but Keke Maruwa still carrys me past my busstop when I am in deep thought I still gave someone his number in error.

It depends on how you want it to be

If I am getting married with the thought that it will sizzle after a few years, I won't bother at all