₦airaland Forum

alutacontinua: @bukatyne, I think i'll go with Ihedinobi on this one. Some things come more easily at the start ofa relationship. As tine goes on and the whole butterfly and chilly feelings simmer, you tend to take it cool. I think the married pple in the house should be able to explain better!

@all the married people here, are there things u did in courtship or early days of marriage to please ur partner that you'll really not do again now?

If yes, wld u say u were being deceitful then?

The beauty of this thread is dt we have loads of experience to help!

ileobatojo: This issue at hand has very little to do with emotions. It's mostly a mindset problem coupled with over familiarity; and part pretense.

dayokanu: Even when lastborns get older they get more attention than older kids

Its only natural that after a while feelings wane, Its not possible to be on the same emotional frequency as you were the first time.
EVen if you marry Beyonce. A couple that couldnt leave each other alone would be different after 6yrs of living together

What i say is all those in divorce courts started out as firebrand lovers, the attraction wanes it needs more than the attraction to sustain a marriage

dayokanu: Its the same emotions that make new born or even lastborns get more attentions than older children

Abi no be human being

dayokanu: When you buy a new car and dote on it every day, But later after 4yrs of use, you stop washing it everyday is that deceit?

gabbytabby: The one I have is in Ajah at 550k plus service charge of 50k

Chillisauce: IN the spirit of Xmas, merry Xmas all to my Christian brothers and sisters.

No more fightings, no more cabals, no more terrorizing defenseless people, let's enjoy peace.
Shout out to everyone on family section,
Baby mama, Efe, CC, Ileo, coogar, Jenny, YPP, Damiso,buka, ihedi,debosky, TV, byvan, Ewuro, ujujoan, Nashville, Bellong,baby123, blue, aluta, kulyie kulyie,,tryour, RR, Tgirl, pocket economy, tpia , Kanwulia , debrief( where ever you are), jidegirl ,

If I miss ya name, kindly remind me and don't be offended..old age callin
Y'all great, keep up the good works.

Jenny the yekini guru, how's the ikworikwo going on. We need another Jenny junior by September 2014. Let's go dia.

Joyeux Noël ,

Ihedinobi: Ok, I did. This is the crux of that post:



We don't necessarily know that. For instance, I may not be a "chores" guy but I realize she's happy whenever I help out with the dishes or something like that. That makes me always put in the effort. I learn that I can actually do stuff like that for her. When we're married, emotional impetus may go and I fall back into my "chores at my pace" self. Now according to you, I deceived her. According to me, I didn't necessarily do so. Love helped me discover that I could be better.

Now all it takes is putting in the effort to help a little around the house, do a little more each successive time. It's a question of rediscovering why her happiness mattered to me in the past. The period of emotions is when we are our ideal selves. Marriage is where we take the actual work of building that self. Unless of course it's a long enough courtship for some of the ardour to cool and real work to get started.

jydux: Millions of people subscribe to these principle and they still have unsuccessful marriages. Partly becos they are majorly impractical in day-to-day life and because it takes two to tango.

Ihedinobi: What kinds of things are for show? That a man buys gifts and presents for days that his girl considers special? That he calls often? A man does all that and more because he is emotionally involved at the time. Ordinarily, marriage seems to reduce the emotional involvement, even though it does fluctuate over time.

Emotions rise and fall. The courtship is ordinarily the most emotional period so a lot of things are emotionally driven then. That is the point I'm making, that high emotions then have people being their ideal selves. It is not deceit, although there are people who deliberately try to pull the wool over a man's or woman's eyes by copying what people in love do.

When emotions settle, the fact is that other concerns set in and much of the romance takes the back seat. The man doesn't remember some things he used to remember, the woman doesn't remember to listen more than talk. Things change. But now, theyt can start to consciously build the ideal that they tasted into reality because their wits are back and because they know this ideal exists.

dinachi: @ bolded Since you agree that it exists ...kindly give us your own instances where you believe it occurred. What is your own definition of verbal abuse?

Ihedinobi: "However I look at it"? How can you say that? Do you know what high emotions do to people? It has men calling women every single day for five years as though their lives depend on it. There is no deceit there. It is real and from the heart. It stops because the emotions cool. They have to learn to do it without the impetus of emotions.

How about womem who turn taciturn from being "chirpers"? That is not deceit. A woman falls in love, she starts to find that she wants to listen to him more than talk. She doesn't change. It's just emotional response. There's no deceit there.

Ihedinobi: "However I look at it"? How can you say that? Do you know what high emotions do to people? It has men calling women every single day for five years as though their lives depend on it. There is no deceit there. It is real and from the heart. It stops because the emotions cool. They have to learn to do it without the impetus of emotions.

How about womem who turn taciturn from being "chirpers"? That is not deceit. A woman falls in love, she starts to find that she wants to listen to him more than talk. She doesn't change. It's just emotional response. There's no deceit there.

Ihedinobi: It's not necessarily deceit. The courtship period is the period of high emotions. There isn't a lot of "realism" in it. Everything is romantic. Some of that ardour naturally "dies" down over time and reality and practical issues set in. All of that was always there but the fuzzy wuzzy lovey dovey atmosphere compels each person to ignore it.

It's not a bad thing. Without it, nobody would even bother with relationships. It enables us to get in the door. And once you get in, it goes into the.background to keep pushing you forward to keep trying, to keep fighting for the relationship.

damiso: Dyekatana you have gotten some very great advise but I just want to buttress on the fact that you can make or rather 'show' your husband how ou want him to meet your needs romantically.As I joked about earlier my husband too is not Mr Romantic or emotional(ok let me say was cos he has really been surprising me in 2013 ).As baby mama has alluded to look for why he is the way he is and take it from there.

Dont like giving specifics about my life but I will share this to encourage you and help you not give up on your man.My husband lost his mother quite young.His dad (sorry to say) really sucked at giving the right emotional support to his kids at that critical time and then married again less than 2 yrs after his wife's death . Their stepmother was really horrible to them and thet ended up having to live with relatives . These were relatively sheltered kids who were born in England, driver used to take to school the works then turning into bonafide houseboy in other people's homes . The day my husband shared some of the details with me I saw tears in his eyes. .Birthdays, Christmas etc were no longer celebrated and so he kinda grew up thinking all those things are inconsequential.

When we were courting, he did the whole valentine, birthday thing more like a show even though he always used to tell me then he did not want a fuss about his birthday and was just ok with it being like any other day.I must say here that he is a great impulsive giver, he could go out and say 'I saw this and thought you would look nice in this'.But birthday, Christmas, Valentines, Anniversary useless .Intially I used to get upset and nag, 'ehn just a card on our anniversary .But with time through deep heart to heart talks about his childhood I realised it was just not a big deal to him.He realised though that it upset me and sometimes tried to make an effort.
I decided I would take the Christian look on it and just make a fuss on his birthdays (cook, take him out get him gifts etc) without necessarily expecting the same on mine.Even Christmas I was the chief planner.
This year I got made redundant in February at work so I don't earn as much money as I used to and believe me my husband has really suprised me.As I said at valentines he took me out, bought a gift.On our anniversary he suprised me again with a day away without the kids.This Christmas I am in shock. .He has gone all out, bought all the stuff that are normally my consistuency and last night he slept at 12 midnight helping me wrap gifts. :oThat has never happened.On my way out but before I left home just got a delivery for so much drinks that I am wondering who will drink all of it.When I asked him na wa what changed this Christmas , he just laughed and said am not serious.His friend told me he does not even want me to remember that I am a lowly student at the mo .But I guess my not nagging and doing all these stuff over the years eventually got to him

So my darling dont give up.It is well with your marriage.

dinachi: Admitting that it exists and it is damaging is a good start.
Now the generally accepted definition is: negative defining statement told to the victim or about the victim, or by withholding any response, thereby defining the target as non-existent. This is a definition from Wikipedia.

If we work with this definition, then it is possible to quantify it when the victim provides witnesses, audio or video evidence to support his/her claims. The judge using her discretion can determine whether the victims allegations qualifies as verbal abuse and then rule accordingly.

dinachi: My dear this things are clear. That you may not clearly define it does not prove it does not exist. Some people physically shove or push their partners in anger. So if their partner does not bleed or have skin lacerations, it does not qualify as physical abuse? Some slap their partners without any physical sign of the backhand on their faces. So because we do not see the finger marks on the face of the abused victim renders the abuse null and void? It is possible to provide evidence of alleged verbal abuse in court.
Just like some one pointed out, video recordings or audio recordings or even witnesses should also ptestify in such cases and let the judge make her ruling. The aim is to keep the home front civil.

dinachi: @ bolded, yelling is a form of verbal abuse too!

Nashville: Abeg make she send pishure quickly. I cant wait to read your next thread titled "How do I get rid of her? She wants to ruin my marriage!"

kulyie: *singing in mariah careys voice *

i wanna know what love is,i want you to show me,i wanna feel what love is,i know you can show me *


oya show me na :p

anyway,just kidding but honestly,i dont know what some men benefit by disgracing their wives,maybe it boosts their ego,i dont understand

Miner13: ogao aunti buki, yorùba ni ẹni tio mo banse un dupe ore kole ri omiran gba.

So you can't appreciate the effort of your husband?

Chillisauce: Dat pot is for lazy people

Miner13: sometime you are on your sit relaxing and a kid walk up to you as an elderly person and request:-
why is the sun always risen from the east and not west, south or the north cardinal.

Who paid your bride price?, your husband or you.?
In nigeria, we stil have places where a young lady is been sold out in the name of collecting the *bride price*

Miner13: ọjọgbọn amoye ọrọyi kori bi oti ro oon.

She's educated but not working under govt or any company yet.
An insider said the husband want her to do business and has set up business for her, rather than looking for job.
What else then would you be looking in a man that has shown this commitment to his wife

Ewuro707: Babyme & Mrs Masson, your displayed guilty conscience and fear of being perceived as lazy bones is very understandable. What are you trying to achieve? Nobody is judging you so please let others live.

Would you please allow people of OP likes to share their opinion and time management skills?

Thank you.




LoL.


OP
My other secret is a crock pot, that thingy cooks everything in this world, name it. All ingredients in, turn on , food is ready by the time you get back from work. And no fire hazard too, so no need too worry.

yellowpawpaw: Of course he will take her back.
When other ways didn't work, he decided to humble her this way.
Not to worry, her village kinsmen will teach her manners.

It is an old practice. The village elderly ladies will tutor her well. She might be fined too!
Uncultured gals.
U c their mouth running like tap water everywhere and they call it smartness or whatever. They never knew when to stop and respect themselves or their men.

Feraz: As usual, the man is being blamed by some folks here despite we understsnding from the post that the man has tried to settle things the way couples should and also not bringing it to a third party. This he endured for TWO YEARS . Yet, someone opens her mouth to call the husband uncivilized. We didn't even read that the man beat her up, yet, he is uncivilized. If he had beaten her up, he's a beast!!!! would have filled this thread.