₦airaland Forum

deols: I have heard people say that love is selfish. But does it have to be?

They say that the reason someone wants the other person is for what they can get from that person and it is just not enough to simply love.

So, in some cases, people only seek those who can satisfy certain needs of theirs and there is nothing wrong with that. But what happens when the need can not be met anymore due to incapacitation, a sickness, or a crumbling economy.

Would it make sense to drop the thoughts of entitlement and have it in mind from the start that we could really do with less from our spouses.


I want us to use this thread to discuss instances where a couple can actually not ask for too much from each other and still have a successful union.

A case study-

The man cannot cook. So, he married a woman who can with the hope that she would be able to feed him and his children with delicious meals . She agrees to this. After some time in the marriage, and after successfully discharging this duty for a while she gets a promotion at work. This now keeps her too busy to do as she used to. Leaving her job is not an option as she believes so much in hardwork and financial independence.

Now, breaking the marriage up is not a considered option at this time as a lot of energy and perseverance have been put in the marriage and Children involved.

If the man would learn to do the cooking or allow a maid do the cooking or allow the family get their food from restaurants at those times that the wife is unable, without harbouring ill-feelings about it, the marriage can go on smoothly with no one hurt.

But if he keeps on with the 'You must do as I say, the opposite may happen.

Such thoughts as this run in my head. I wonder how much practical they are.

Our society expect rigid role playing between couples and frowns when they tend to deviate.

However, a couple that knows that they have only each other will give all it takes to make it work smoothly

Divorce is an option that can be eliminated if each party know what they want and patiently wait/look for it

Toyinletstalk: When you marry for the things you hope to get from the other person, the marriage becomes a hole that your expectations when received fills the hole, when you don't receive what you want, the hole is there and every other way to fill it up with other things, won't just work.

Marriage always come first irrespective of what you have suddenly achieved or become. When we put our marriages first and respect it by all means, we learn how to balance everything in such away that nothing suffers. Your career will not suffer, your kids and the time you spend with them will not suffer, your relationship with your spouse will not suffer, and so on.

Women, naturally have more responsibilities in a marriage, we always want to share it, trust, but the better you know that majority of it and keeping your home, strictly lies on the woman, the better and fight free most home (in this our generation) will be.

This your post nawa o esp. the bolded

It is well o!

byvan: @ Bukatyne, Yes but older than me though,5yrs difference.

Lucky you!

yellowpawpaw: @Buky, it seems we r seeing this from diff directions.
I will use ur example. A man does not need to tell his wife to pray, he leads by example.
when I got married,I used to lead in our house devotions but was feeling quilty its a man's thing according to the bible. I strongly believed in a man being the priest in the house and others follow.I told hubby he has to lead by example. B4 I knew it, our prayer life became very lukewarm. I stubbornly insisted and it started affecting our house devotion until I picked up from where I stopd and revived it again.(I hope u decipher d message I'm passing across tru this)

This is what works for me.(Refer to what I said as some interpretations of the word of God)
So also other spheres of life for many pple. Some men r too reserved maybe they were taught that if u start showing a woman u lv her, she will start misbehaving. What will such wife do? Submit and crack the wall.
Isn't that part of what we preach here everyday?
Marriage is very deep. What works for majority may not work for the rest and that doesn't make theirs bad.I tell u, rules r fast changing and we change with that. If pple have this at d back of their mind and not having a rigid stance over a host of things about marital norms and donts, I personally think we won't be having 2 many marital problems.
I think this is the summary of all I've been saying.

We are saying the same thing but you seem not to get me.

I am equally telling you that the Bible has no definite role for couples either that was why I give those specific examples

Funny enough, you insisting even when your hubby didn't want to do it can be seem as you been 'unsubmissive' Submissiveness is dependent on the man and love is dependent on the woman. If my fiancée does not buy anything for me in 2 years but helps in chores and all stuff, I would feel loved more than when he buys me a diamond wristwatch and crosses his legs when it's time for chores. Some female posters have said they don't like their hubby doing house chores. If the hubby decides insists on doing the chores, the woman would not appreciate it.

As a e-person concerned, don't listen to most pastors when it comes to marriage. Yes I know I am the 'Bible' person but I am not a pastor's person. Most of them project their prejudice and culture into their sermons and what to make it law

it is well

Baby mama: Out of surgery ,breathing on his own,in recovery
Praise God

Thank God!

He will perfect His healing

yellowpawpaw: What is submission in marriage? Can u submit without loving? Can u love without submission? Can d two parry together?
can u submit out of fear?
U gat to meet ur man halfway.

When it comes to sharing household responsibilities, we don't qoute the bible anymore. We become today's women. Its not writting anywhere in d bible that the women should swap responsibilities with men yet its d norm in today's world. We call it female emancipation.
If we can comfortably accept that, we can as well accept that u don't wait for ur man to show u lv 100% before u submit to him.
Afterall what a man can do, woman can do better.

As for the biblical passage, if the bible is written in today's world,a lot of changes would hv been made.
But its very good to note that the interpretation given to a passage 100yrs ago has a a modified meaning in today's world.

I assume you were referring to my post

As for the bolded, you are getting the correct picture. The Bible instructs husbands and wives to submit to each other in Eph 5: 21 before going down in verse 22 - end to discuss love and submission. The love expected from a husband is found in 1 Cor 13: 1 - end and when a husband practices that, you find out that the woman's submission is to balance things up. Submission in Nigerian context is not what it means in Biblical context. A husband is called to lead by example and not usual do as I say and not as I do. A man doesn't need to tell his wife to pray; he should do it and she picks it up from him etc.

I am not saying a man should do all the work in a relationship but he has to take the lead afterall, he approached the woman and continued from there.

At house hold responsibilities, nowhere in the Bible says one party should do anything rigidly. The most quoted verse is 'any man who does not provide for his family is worse than an infidel'; the same Bible says 'If any man be in Christ, old things have passed away..', is that passage referring to only men? We say sons of God etc. are only men 'sons' of God? If you read Prov 31: 10 - 31; the virtuous woman only cooked; all other duties, she delegated to a maid. She was the one running up and down doing businesses while the husband sat at the gate with elders! Abraham was the one running around serving the visitors. The Shunite woman was the one who set up a house for Elisha etc. My point? there was never any rigid definition of what the role of a husband/wife is in the home. Do you know that originally, deacons were men who served widows food in the early church? If it were today, I am sure that women would have been chosen to do it.

Love cannot be measured so I can't say a man should love 70% before a woman starts submitting; it is a continuous process in their daily interactions till they die.

I don't believe that what a man can do, a woman can do better; she can do also if she is inclined to do so.

Men are not superior to women and vice versa.

yellowpawpaw: Me think that its wrong to say guys gat to show lv b4 a woman will submit herself to him. In a world where female cry of equality, this doesn't hold ground. Two of u must come together to met somewhere.

If u r busy waiting to be 100% sure ur guy lvs u b4 u start using ur common sense, I will also give u pop corn cos u need it while waiting.

In some cases, submission brings out the love.
A man can still show lv yet his lady
will never submit.

K, as for using that biblical passage, that's achaic and don't apply to today's world.pple r rewriting history and the bible is not left out. Where is lv mentioned on d part of the woman abi, the woman can only submit without loving first? Anyway, another story for another day.

Sorry ma, the Bible is NOT archaic and subject to change. If it is, what is your basis for a woman submitting to her husband?

A man should also show love and the woman responds with submission; I can liken it to a parent - child relationship. A mother/father loves her/his child from the very beginning before the child thinks of obeying her parents.

Submission can never bring out love that is not there; I would agree if the man showed his wife love previously but cooled off due to her attitude. Her submission or love can bring out the passion in the man again.

The difference between a child and a maid is that the child does things to please parents who already love her; the maid does things to win the approval/acceptance of her master

And yes, I believe in equality

Dear OP,

I believe you were the one who complained about your wife's long hours at the bank.

I am wondering if it's when she is back home from work you go to watch your matches or during the weekends when she is around.

As much as you re free to pursue a hobby, also remember that you don't spend much time together on other days so that you don't spend the time you should be together watching ball. You can also decide to take her along or watch it at home together as suggested by other posters. Whatever you do, work out a model where you both spend the maximum time together.

As for fixing prayers during football time, I think that is low of her.

I think there are underlying issues in your home apart from ball and coming home late at night.

God be with you both.

dinachi: If you are only submissive to you husband because he treats you well, then you are not really submissive. A submissive person will not change her orientation no matter how the husband treats her. On the other hand a submissive woman gets the best treatment from their husbands! Submission simply means to defer to your husbands leadership in recognition of his authority over the home.

So also if you love your wife because she treats us well, then you really don't love her . A loving person will not change his orientation no matter how his wife treats him. On the other hand a loving man gets the best treatment from their wives! love simply means to put your wife's needs and feelings above yours in your home.

byvan: I did rather stick with my generation

Lol! Did you marry a young man?

Just curious; don't answer if you do not want to

Ok, lucky you!

Most young brides marry far older men

Not all good men make loving husbands

The first step to loving your wife is to know what makes her happy and do it. A lot of men and women generalize on what women/men would like or not like. Everyday, threads are opened to tell us what makes a good husband or wife.

If I had a guy who thinks all it entails to show me love is buy the world, we would have lasted long. If I thought been domestic is all that mattered to be an excellent wife, we would have long parted ways.

Spouses should shove laziness aside and learn what makes their partners tick

And yes, it is rare for a loving husband to have problems of submission with his wife.

Again, it depends on the men define as submission

coogar: you cease to be a career woman the moment you take 3-5 years out of your time to nurture your kids.

a career woman is not interested in making children. their career is more important than having kids here & there and that is who coogar said all men should avoid.

bukatyne......booooooooooo!

You cease to be a student when you defer your admission due to illness or have extra year

Take your stand and stop shifting and redefining terms.

Take care

coogar: that's the difference.

You can't get away from the hook

I don't want to engage in an argument; I just want you to take a stand

Coogar is just arguing for the sake of it!

You say that a career woman should not have kids...

Later, you say a woman is just to stay at home for 0 - 5 yrs and then resume working...

Which one is it really?

Nashville: I do not agree with your suggestion for bedmetics as they can both fake it. I think the proof of the pudding is in the eating. So I will suggest that all the male children in the family also "test" her bedmatics skills to be sure she would be good enough for their brother.

I hope that those that suggested testing the wife, will also be happy to be subjected to such "rigorous" tests when its their time to marry.

Pastor Nashville,

Nashville: I have been reading your back and forth and it is really funny. I just think some people come from different worlds and you just cant explain these things to them. So if my brother wants to marry, we will conduct cooking test for his wife.

Na me she wan marry? Shouldnt we know if she can also satisfy him in bed too? How can we test that one?

Housekeeping nko? One day we will just invite her to the family house and leave the house dirty; then we will ask her to please help sweep it, but she would not know that we are testing her sweeping and house keeping skills.

Money management nko? How do we test that she will be good enough for our brother?

1. For bedmatics, the guy's room will be bugged

2. For Housekeeping, you got that right!

At the end, her test results is given and she knows her 'fate'

The same women who complain about ridiculous culture will be the custodians of it. I am sure that it is mostly the women in the family that will be in charge and carry the test(s) on their heads

I guess most women get high when they humiliate their fellow women

Adaobi12: Maybe blame it on the fact that, most mothers don't teach there sons how to cook. They believe that cooking is a feminine duty. In my family an opportunity is created for the intending bride to cook for the whole family. She may not know dat it is a test. IN WHICH EVER WAY, MY OPINION IN THIS TOPIC IS THAT,COOKING FOR A BF,IS NO BIG DEAL. If u can make a convenant with him through sex,y find it hard 2 cook for him?

And what if the intending husband knows that she can't cook well but she has other qualities that he wants?

What tests you do give the intending husbands?

birdman: now she has the bank card abi? anger does evil things

Excuse me?

May God console the family

lorretta u: The picture here is one of a man who's already married but choses to flirt anyway
Being in the entertainment industry,there's no shortage of women and wine
So what did he do?

He got his fill of both. More women more wine more women more wine. Until he couldn't stand the hide and seek of adultery he had to bring two extra women home just in case he desired one in the morning, the other in the afternoon and another at night.

With his mini bar at home and parties, he got his fill of drinks until his kidneys couldn't take it anymore. Then they failed.

So wife number one to the rescue. This is probably her chance to prove to Darling Hubby that he's all she's got.

#May not be the accurate picture, but consider it close to the true picture#.

Lol! What a picture!

I pity some women sha

Adaobi12: Some men can't cook,and we shouldn't blame them for that.. In my family and clan,YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO COOK, ATLEAST U MUST BE RATED UP TO AVERAGE, B4 WE CAN ACCEPT YOU AS A WIFE. For me,any where i go,i try 2 exhibit my culinary skills. Cooking is fun for me.

Who should we blame?

So the intending wife cooks for the whole family or you arrange different women to cook and the winner takes the husband?

Lol! at exhibiting culinary skills! Should I give you my house address?

Adaobi12: My dear,in a typical african home,being able 2 cook is a criteria 4 marriage. Especially among we the ibos. No man wuld want 2 continue eating iya basira after marriage. An adage in my language says, ana esi na uto aru,ama isi nsi. Meaning,u can only detect how the feaces will smell like, through fart. Wnt advise my brother or friend to marry a lady dat cant cook,or 2 proud 2 cook,or see cooking as a huge task.

I have not said that cooking is not important or a big deal!

However, the issue of test running cooking skills and not been picked for marriage at the end of the day is funny

Why should a man eat iya basira before marriage? Is he handicapped

brownsugar007: thanks all i really appreciate,i knew i was wrong when i snatched the phone and the pastor even told me to apologize on my knees which i did before he returned the cloth,i know the girl is desperate and is ready to do any tin to get him back(even my pastor said God revealed it to him)and i had kept quiet all along what really got me mad was that he was was cutting the calls and insisting that he was trying to answer,as if was a FOOL.
he dint have to go to the extend of calling me a worn out hag who he wanted to help by getting married to,a prostitute and a intimacy gadget,he would not have said my mother is a stupid woman.i was childish but i don't deserve those insults
i braced up and told my parents every tin last night,my dad was so disappointed but he said we cannot force him to marry me,if he comes back fine but if he doesn't he would still love me as a daughter.
today is my birthday and he sent me a message that a true friend friend remembers your birthday but not your age and trespasses.am just 31

A lot of Pastors are amongst the root cause of problems in homes today

sleekch1c: No mind them.
A man marries a woman, has children by her, doesn't consider their emotional well-being of any significance, perhaps they weren't good enough for him or just for sheer selfishness, he goes on to marry a 2nd then a 3rd wife.
The woman who wasn't deemed good enough to be kept as an only wife, who should stay strong for her children decides to give one of her kidneys to the man who choose waywardness over her and her children.

My verdict: she needs to have her head examined. It is women like her that would choose a penis over their own children and allow a man abuse their children in the name of love.
So if she had lost her life in the process, she is fine leaving her children behind with this man who only thinks about himself?
FAIL.

I agree

There is something seriously wrong with her

I tire for Nigerian definition of love

Where is my Nigerian dictionary?

I don't get the picture here...

Were the three wives living with him together or was he a serial divorcee?

Rexhenrex: All this gurls saying they can cook for their b.f mind u that if u dnt dn it for him there are many gurls out their that are willing tn do it.and afterall u should b able to do it becos he might b the one to marry you.who knws!

So them cooking is not even a sure guarantee for marriage?

The guy should go and pick the 'many' willing girls na...

SMH

Tonia500: nope we dnt live togheter bt i go to his house and cook for him before he comes frm the office.

Seriously?

Everyday?

Lerrie John: My dear brown sugar please do not listen to all those saying you should break up, unless that is really what you want and you are not confused after all. That said, getting married is not an easy thing. Marriages are made in heaven and them haters aren't happy so lots of temptations will definitely come your way even right up to your wedding day. My advise to you ( if you are I love with this man n want to be his wife) is to call your fiancé and apologise for grabbing his phone and insulting him ( you were wrong to do that, no matter how upset u must have been) after which tell him you would like to talk to him. ( here you need enough maturity, no insulting nor tantrums) tell him you are not happy that this girl calls often and it makes you feel unhappy or hurt or whatever it is you are feeling. In your post you said the girl wrote you took her man but you never said anything about what your fiancé's response was. It is possible it's the girl calling your fiancé and he's probably not interested. As for your fiancé saying he doesn't wanna marry anymore, a guy will say anything when he' s stressed or in this case when his ego is bruised, so don't take his hurtful words to heart. Just try and clear things between yourself and your man before thinking of calling your wedding off.
Lots of luck gal!

This other Nigerian belief that people advising you hate you and are jealous is also funny!

A married woman in the arms of her loving hubby or a married man with joy in his heart when he thinks of her advises a lady about to wed and she thinks 'they' are jealous of her!

Biko, marry who you will, no be us go dey cry for night

Kx: The guy that was given a long list of bride price things, infact, he even borrowed at the marriage ground from his friends to satisfy his in-laws, would have worked away from the marriage there and then, but he stayed back.

The guy that caught his wife with her ex -boyfy after marriage would have divorced her there and then but he restrained.

There are so many women living with their husbands and vice versa today for years yet they are not "relating as husband and wife if u know what i mean" but they did nt break up.

The point am making is marriage requires a whole lot of tolerance and patience.
The pix the op painted is just about the first real test of her will to commit to the man and she is taking off already?
What exactly is our meaning of marriage?

If dey break up, for how long will she choose to run away just at her point of celebration?
Both parties needs to make subtle peace moves that will culminate in reconciliation and marriage.

The average Nigerian's mindset towards marriage is very disturbing

The OP is not married and there is nothing, absolutely nothing binding her to warrant suffering and 'tolerance'!

She is lucky enough to know the stuff her hubby to be is made up of and she should still marry him headlong and start managing?

What's with Nigerians and suffering and smiling?

coogar: i stand by that - our society is rotten because most kids are not properly trained. this is why government is now getting involved.



the parents didn't fail out of not being raised well. they failed because they suddenly became ignorant & bought into the conspiracy the feminists cooked up. by & large, many of these parents are honest, hardworking & want the best for their kids but they are also ignorant.



the youths & today's kids are worse off.
a big safety net is draped around them & children now have more rights than even adults. kids can beat up teachers now & the teachers aren't allowed to even touch them.

I guess we are talking of two different societies...

I am talking of the Nigerian society

Rest in Peace VivianC!

She was full of life and dreams that she wanted to achieve.

May God console her family

sweetestguy: k I get u, bt hope say u de cook for ur guy

That's between us

coogar: there's no definite time-frame. the family should work out the shortest time possible to get rearing of the kids done. if the hubby can do it alone for a longer time while the wife takes up business that allows more flexibility then a loud amen to that.



there you go again linking economic bonds with social bonds. there's good upbringing & there's poverty. people can be poor of rich & have good upbringing. people can be poor or rich & have bad upbringing.

ekaettes are kids too. many of them are prepubescent & yet nigerian parents gladly leave their precious kids in their hands while they enter the rat race to materialistic bonds. do they know what ekaette gets up to while they are in the office doing N50,000 jobs?



you don't get it...i hope you get it one day!

You did not understand question 2, let me rephrase...

According to you, our society has degenerated because house helps now raise our kids...

And my questions:

If parents now have failed because they raise kids with helps, who raised the failed parents?
Do you think the youth and kids of today (raised by helps) are worse off than the adults (raised by mama)?