₦airaland Forum

MARKone: Didn't bother to check ur blog, but such humiliation in the name of punishment shows how perverted the human mind is...what's with Nigerians and stripping, as a form of punishment, oh well, she is lucky that she was not lynched.

jnrbayano: Well done o

hispinkolo: It's very difficult to walk the walk especially when hubby is the diplomatic type who will try to avoid wahala at all costs,always leaving you to defend yourself.
My inlaws have backstabbed me well well.I believe i'm married into a family of pretenders.
When i was pregnant,hubby and i decided to tell no one till we were 4 months along because i had health issues..Fastforward to this year,Brother in law and wife came to ours for holidays and i was shocked to see her big belle..We were on bb etc and it wasn't mentioned,hubby was shocked too and asked why they didn't talk and the wife said she thought her hubby had mentioned it..
Well,i said alright no wahala,i felt it was like revenge for not telling them about mine till 4 months.I now asked excitedly what are you having,SIS in law said she doesn't know,brother in law contradicted..evidently sis in law was lying..i said hmmm okayy.They had a great time in my home,behaviour off at times but no one is perfect jare.

Couple of weeks later hubby called them to ask how their ultrasound went,and asked if they have finally confirmed what they were having and brother in law told him the sex of the baby but asked him specifically not to tell me.Unfortunately for him,i heard when he said it.And i confirmed i was actually singled out.
These are people that are always disturbing me to help them do this and that etc.I was extremely offended and expected my hubby to at least speak up but as usual,nothing.
It has affected my relationship with them as it made me remember other instances where BIL's wife would tell me one thing and do another.I am now just cordial and courteous to them.No more extending myself and bending over backwards.I do what i can do for them and nothing more..They asked me for my daughters clothes and i gave them a bunch even though i was so annoyed as this is the baby they were hiding from me.They wrote list for me,help me buy this help me buy that..i bought because its for their older child oo but i didn't do it with my heart.
I felt soo betrayed as I thought we were close..I now generally avoid any unnecessary discussion with them and that's it.

MIL,I took as my own mother..I confided in her and she twisted my words and cussed me out..She later apologised but I cant forget it..Visited her for holidays.She acted cold to me for leaving the house on the morning of an occassion,not knowing i was going to arrange a gift for her.I later told her that's what i went to do and i'm sure she was ashamed of her behaviour.BUT the way she acted is still imprinted on my memory..This is a woman that is soo demanding and always calls me to buy things for her.

SIL..first day she saw me she said that the day they would want to make a decision as a family and my husband says let him ask his wife first,that someone will go to prison.She has insulted my parents as well..not to my face though..
Ofcourse i'm not totally blameless..I am very opinionated and speak my mind,lol.When i do that,i may appear abrasive when i don't intend to.

I spoke with my parents about all these and was told to do my best,just basically be polite and do what i need to do.
That has been my motto for this year.Arms length.MIL maybe is having a conscience crisis cos she's been calling too often.I say what i need to and that's it.I can't just get past things she said to me..I'm sure she would never speak to any of her kids the way she did to me and i told her that.
Family dynamics differ ...Especially when you feel the hubby doesn't have your back,so you fight your battles solo..It's been a learning curve for me and i'm doing as my parents have advised.No more saying my opinions ,i now just concur..yes and no..no more personal gists.

When you are told to look into a family before entering,it seems like a joke BUT if i had known what i know now,i'd have bailed.Hubby is a fantastic man but his behaviour makes me feel he is spineless and somehow makes me resent him.

LIFE....

crackhaus: I assume the answers to the questions i asked earlier was yes to all.

So now I ask, if that is the original purpose of equality cum feminism, why are feminists not satisfied?
Why are you now including these things that I will deal with below in the agenda of feminists?
Is this the Nigerian version of feminism?
Do feminists in Nigeria even have a society or movement, I mean a non-governmental organization recognized by law?

Why don't you people start rallies, hold seminars, organize peaceful protests and make the change you seek.
Let me deal with your list below;


Is this the equality you're fighting for?
Y'all are jokers, so this is what equality means to feminism?
And you still don't understand why I say that feminists just want to be competitive.

Are there not cultures in Nigeria where women inherit property? You're grasping at straws.
Besides, what does a married woman with a husband want with her father's property?


Not all men do this.
But I fail to see how this can be solved by equality...or maybe the woman should also wake up and take another husband huh? Oh wait, I just remembered, it was the man who married the woman and fulfilled the marriage rites and not the other way around.. go figure!


Again you're grasping at straws.. There are civil groups all over Nigeria that deal with this already. No one openly says that a rape victim is to blame, even if they're thinking it.
We only get to read that on the internet anonymously and that's really where it stays. I doubt a father, mother, or brother will blame their daughter or sister if she gets raped.


Name one company, the job description and requirements.


Seen.

Pickabeau1 is already on this.

And yea, it is getting tiresome.

crackhaus: I assume the answers to the questions i asked earlier was yes to all.

So now I ask, if that is the original purpose of equality cum feminism, why are feminists not satisfied?
Why are you now including these things that I will deal with below in the agenda of feminists?
Is this the Nigerian version of feminism?
Do feminists in Nigeria even have a society or movement, I mean a non-governmental organization recognized by law?

Why don't you people start rallies, hold seminars, organize peaceful protests and make the change you seek.
Let me deal with your list below;


Is this the equality you're fighting for?
Y'all are jokers, so this is what equality means to feminism?
And you still don't understand why I say that feminists just want to be competitive.

Are there not cultures in Nigeria where women inherit property? You're grasping at straws.
Besides, what does a married woman with a husband want with her father's property?


Not all men do this.
But I fail to see how this can be solved by equality...or maybe the woman should also wake up and take another husband huh? Oh wait, I just remembered, it was the man who married the woman and fulfilled the marriage rites and not the other way around.. go figure!


Again you're grasping at straws.. There are civil groups all over Nigeria that deal with this already. No one openly says that a rape victim is to blame, even if they're thinking it.
We only get to read that on the internet anonymously and that's really where it stays. I doubt a father, mother, or brother will blame their daughter or sister if she gets raped.


Name one company, the job description and requirements.


Seen.

Pickabeau1 is already on this.

And yea, it is getting tiresome.

bukatyne: Cococandy,

If a woman grew up in a home where her father battered her mother and they still came out to say they are 'happily' married, why do you think she will see a battering fiancee as evil?

Until we overhaul the whole system and people have worthy examples at home not 'my parents have been married for donkey years', the problem just started.

crackhaus: @ cococandy, please answer these questions and deal with it...I want to see what you have to say.

crackhaus: @ cococandy, please answer these questions and deal with it...I want to see what you have to say.

crackhaus: Good...it is not about marriage, tell your comrades.


Really? So women talk about it, and then what?

Have any of you gone to your town council, or local government headquarters, or to your representatives in the Senate and lower house to lay a complaint about abolishing or ending the payment of bride price and other duties on your heads before marriage?

So you women talk about it, what have you people done about it to effect the change?

Doesn't that mean y'all are not serious with that discussion and it is just pure chit chat?

Hold a rally, protest, go to your representatives in the upper and lowers chambers of legislature to move a motion on your behalf...it's not by talking about it.
Don't make me laugh jor.

at least on the family level,many women are matching men penny for penny everything that goes into the wedding preparation. So that point is moot



Are we the ones in this century that started it? Men are propagating the idea..True, but the men who started it are our great grandfathers and grandfathers, so women can start with their own fathers by making sure nothing is paid on their behalf before marriage.

Problem solved.
funny. Do you know how many fathers insist on collecting bride price for their daughters? If you think the will of a daughter can automatically superceed that of her father,you're not being real. So blame the daughter for the sins of her father? Yea right.

Lorretta, what do you do with money? Na wah oo...

This is just Economic 101, what is the purpose of money? What is the law behind exchange (money or goods) as related to ownership?


you do know that after the exchange of gifts,the bride is required by my own culture to take with her gifts to the man's family too. Has she bought him then? Be serious J.

Exactly, this is the mindset I'm talking about...competitiveness!

If women are more in number to men, and men are promiscuous...this means one man has at least 2/3 women to himself.
So how does 2/3 women servicing one man translate into your 'more men = more women {promiscuity}'?

so since men are not more than women,therefore women must be more than men. . Just read that issue up. It's already over flogged. Women aren't more than men either. Which is what I meant earlier BTW.
Was typing fast. Anyway are you stylishly endorsing promiscuity in men? Are you even remotely saying it is understandable?
Anyway, this is irrelevant.


It is not trivial and you should be against competitiveness in marriage.
It is partly the cause of many misunderstandings in modern day marriages.

I'm against competitiveness in marriage. It has no place in marriage.
Unless the two people are competing for the award of who's more loving and caring then I endorse


One situation led to the other, and if you're not biased you should know which led to the other.

pfft


Exactly, unfortunately it's women who enter into marriage with the hope that the man they love will change.
You hardly see a man who notices a peculiar attitude he does not like in a woman, and still marries her.
conjectures. Did you do a research to verify this claim?.

crackhaus: Unknown to you, your replies even give more meaning to my original thought pattern because:
- You have agreed that equality was never about marriage and should not be used as a criteria in any marital duty between man and wife.
- You have also agreed that it is African women (Okay maybe not all) who have made equality about marriage.

not unknown to me. I've always said equality isn't about marriage. But over sabis say I champion a cause I know nothing about.

As for the bride price thing, who told you 'many' women would fight to abolish the payment of bride prices on their heads for marriage? You can't possibly believe that... don't make me laugh.

you're not a woman. You don't know what we talk about in our girlie moments

You also said the bride price is not paid to her but to her father or kinsmen, well that also proves my point for me because when I want to buy a brand new car, I won't pay directly to the car? Would I?
Of course it's the fathers or kinsmen that collect the price because a woman's father owns her and is thereby relinquishing in totality or partiality the ownership of his daughter to his new son-in-law.

which proves my point that men are 70percent responsible for propagating the idea that women are to be owned. Repent. Repent. Repent.!!!

That said, the mentality you talked about is not the fault of men....it is normal with everyone including women that when they exchange a token (money or goods) for something else, this thing becomes theirs...
I'm not calling African wives property, but it will be pretense to not accept a claim or right of ownership over someone you paid for.

and you've still not repented. So bride price is payment for your wife? Interesting.

As for promiscuity, you and I both know that men will always be given a free pass...it's not only an African thing, it happens everywhere.
Using the cloak of equality to suggest that men should be educated early in life to not be promiscuous, or that women should not be looked down on by society if they're promiscuous is impossible and has nothing to do with equality.

impossible you say? Very well then. What that means is that the result of that mindset will keep staring yous in the face everyday. Men aren't more than women in number. So the higher the number of promiscuous men,the higher the number of promiscuous women.
Because unless the men sleep with themselves or with lower animals,I don't see any other way around this. You guys better get real.

That said. Many women get free pass in many societies for being promiscuous. So I hope you know it's not as impossible as you think




Equality started as a fight for equal economic standing and so it must remain, bringing it in to include how promiscuity is viewed in men versus women is COMPETITION...simple.

like I said. Trivial. I for one I'm not bothered about that. And in the face of bigger challenges that we have I don't see how this is even an important issue.

But the competition is already there. And you guys should deal with it


And yes don't get it twisted, it is African women who started making equality about how to run households

false. Both men and women are guilty of making it about role reversal.
Men:
We are equals so bring half the bills
Women:
We are equals so help with house chores.

Africans be losing sight of important things in pursuits of shadows since 1754 .


...the men only played along.
It wasn't men who made it about marriage and as you have rightly agreed, equality was and never should be about marriage...neither should it be about promiscuity or any other thing that is not related to economic, political, or societal structures
like I said,if two people can't work out a fair living arrangement,they shouldn't get married. If they do,they shouldn't blame equality for their failures(espeically the men)
.

bukatyne: The only time everyone advices a battered woman to leave or seperate temporarily is when she's in the grave.

Our society sees nothing in it no matter the seemingly public outcry against it

donpeey22: lol I'm that I'm, in another handle tho.8-), can u guess?

zeb04: In response to some of the views here,our problem isn't feminism. The feminist goal has been continual push for equality before the law between men and women. It just happens to advocate more on the side of the women because in some part of the world, women are more oppressed than men.

A feminist does not want to propel women above men as that would result in the same injustice they are actually against but instead want men and women to be equal.

The main fight is equal standing which wil only come through legal standing and change of consciousness.

The feminist fight will only be over if each person regardless of race,gender,ability,is exactly who he or she wants to be.

To badmouth something as simple as these to prove a point irks of insecurities. Thank you

crackhaus: I edited my first post already...but here it is:

do you know for a fact that that is a statement made by every equality activist or you read that from a few and used it to form your general impression of the others?

as regards sexual behaviour,I and a lot sensible women I know don't excuse promiscuity in men.and do not think promiscuity in women is the answer to that. Teaching sexual restraint to men as is taught to women from childhood is my idea of what a possible solution to that can be




Let me add others:
What has sharing chores or cooking based on who first got home got to do with equality?

really? This? I don't know how to address this but it is funny. Kind of. Let me reply with a question. So if a man doesn't help out at home even if he has more time on his hands it's ok because he's the head of the family and doing it for his family will mean ultimate demotion fom his throne? I don't even see what such a thing as this has to do with equality BTW. If two mature people can't work out a good living arrangement,maybe they shouldn't get married in the first place.

Why have African women converted the purpose of equality from being purely an economic and social movement which seeks equal opportunities and standing for both sexes into a fight for supremacy in the institution of marriage?

I think it is the men who do that more. Everytime equality is mentioned,you see them frothing and throwing fits as if the whole world should abandon something so noble because their insecurities makes them afraid of impending mutiny on their ships of which they are the captian . Not saying some women don't misunderstand and abuse/trivialize what equality stands for. But from my days on NL,it is the men who are more gulity of this. Most don't get that nobody is interested in ruining their marriages for them. But they insists that it is an anti-marriage movement. Insecurities



Was equality ever about marriage?

I didn't think so

And if African women now want to make it about marriage, why are these women still collecting bride price on their heads for marriage, which essentially by all economic definitions is buying and selling (purchase)?

women collect bride price? Or our fathers(MEN) do? Do you know how many women will vote against brideprice if it comes to voting? Ask questions

These women are paid for


do you now see why many women will vote against this if given a choice? You perform marriage rites according to your culture and it means to you that you've bought a human being. Many men think like this too and it reflects in the way they treat their wives. Which is what then brings the notion of power tussle in marriage. If y'all don't act like you bought your wives,your wives won't feel the need break free from such glorified slave positions. As long as the mindset remains that you bought your wives,y'all will keep treating them like they are beneath you and they'll keep revolting. And we'll keep having this arguments on nairaland

and want to come in to the marriage with an air of wanting marital equality (which in essence is competitiveness) ....so what gives?

your life partner is equal to you. Unless both of you aren't mature,there's nothing about equality that makes it competitiveness. It's about being as fair to the other as you'd want them to be to you.

4tunebest: ,

Scyllapatron: .

saasala: .

crackhaus: The problem is not that African men don't want equality, the problem is that African women just like all things African, are taking advantage of it to push their own agenda of competitiveness (this is not equality) against the male folk.

This is why we have so many misunderstandings on NL and in the African society at large.

dhammyg: FEMINISM STARTED WAY BACK IN THE 19TH CENTURY BY THOSE DEMANDING 4 SUFFRAGE FOR WOMEN.AND YES 1 IN 3 WOMEN WILL BE SEXUALLY ABUSED IN THEIR LIFETIME.SO PLS DO UR RESEARCH B4 U TALK.

AND MEN STILL EARN MORE THAN WOMEN EVEN WHEN WOMEN WORK THE SAME TIME AS THEM.AND WOMEN ARE STILL REGARDED AS INFERIOR IN MANY SOCIETIES!!!!

donpeey22: Hw're are u doing loretta?

donpeey22: Well i know i won't cheat on the one i love. Peradventure i cheat on her, then i don't expect her to forgive me, so she can do whatever she deems appropriate.

donpeey22: The jazz that will make me forgive a cheating biatch let alone accept her b@$t@rd child has not been prepared. The gods forbid!

Tallesty1: I said. You can dig deep too if you wana know. You don't expect them to openly declare themselves lesbians at the initial stage knowing full the punishment that awaits them. It was in the second wave feminism movement that people started noticing them, they started showing therselves gradually because they have gained a little ground. The first wave feminists were lesbians mostly. They used lies to actually trick straight women into adopting the lesbian lifestyle.

apolonius: Sure?You wanna share?

Tallesty1: I think the best revenge is to make him/her your friend so that he/she will be seeing how good you are without them.