₦airaland Forum

I pray to never find myself in such a position but as has been said by most people,what if one is stranded?What of if my kids are starving and there is no immediate way i can make money to feed them? What if my house is about to be repossesed?What if i lose all in an earthquake,fire etc.?God forbid but these things do happen to people.So id never say never.

I guess we should also just try to help when and where we can.

I so agree with this post.In as much as i believe the foremost responsiblity of raising a child is to the parents( mum and dad if both are alive) BUT it pays to have other adult role models in a child's life.It is exhausting to do it alone or with only paid help.

My daughter as little as 3 lovea her godmother, her ganma(grandma) her aunties and sees them very much part of her life.When me and hubby sometimes just want to see a movie rated 18 we drop her off at her godmothers.Or her aunty's.I belong to a mother and toddler group where we go out together and do stuff together.That is also a sort of village.

I have friends who i think are a lil paranoid(i know you cant be too careful)BUT they cant leave their kids for anyone else but maybe their mums and patners.Even their mums sef they will call a zillion times.I know mother child bond is strong but abeg i hate when kids are tooooo clingy to their mums and scream their heads off at just their mums and dads can stay with them.I know some people cant help it but at least dont just stay indoors all the time.Its good for the child social interaction and also your own sanity.

My daughter just started Nur in our local catholic sch and they had said we would have tostay with her for a week or more for her to settle in.The nur teacher let me leave after 15 mins as the girl is used to not always being round just mummy and daddy.As of this afternoon some mums are still going to continue the settling in process next week cos any attempt for them to leave is a wailing fest.

I know the modern world does not really encourage this village raises a child thing but as OP said we can build our own villages in this fast paced me my wife and kids world.

I dont know why my post was hidden .Abeg why do posts get hidden?
I just had to share this episode to see how some people are.My cousin(sebu my mums cousin child is my cousin abi) has been flashing me since monday and eventually sent me a message on FB to call her please that its urgent.

Me thinking it must one kain serious matter called her this morning.She was like did you know that i was preggers(in my mind am like am i a witch you did not tell me so how will i know.I sha said congrats dear may the Lord keep you and baby you will deliver safely IJN.
Then i need a favour from you( i should have known).Can you please help me with baby shopping? See list 25 body suits, 25 onesies,booties,bouncer,sterliser(at this point i don tune off) and so many other things.I was like how are you getting this stuff and she was like hubby friend is around and has agreed to help bring them to naija.Ok so when is he leaving she was like the 25th.

I was then like so will your friend be coming to give me the money.She was like uhm uhm babes abeg borrow me the money am so broke now,due in April and hubby has not given me baby shopping money.And ehen i dont want primark o pls buy next,gap, mothercare,adams kids(this my cousin to my knowledge has never been to the uk so all this shops na wa)

I was like madam first off what are you having fo you know she was like a boy.I was like i have loads of new body suits 0-3,3-6 months(my baby is 9 months).Also i can buy somethings as gift and send through your friend.Also me i buy primark and George at Asda body suits cos babies use loads and they are cheap so all this your dont buy primark.
BUT this your list is about 300 quid and i cant spare that now.She was like uhmm so you dont have 300 pounds to loan me will send it back like feb march.Am like No ahan why cant i be broke too.She was like you know am a civil servant(her hubby is like a SBO in a bank o).I was like wetin naaa se the principle that makes you broke cant make me broke too now.Silence.Haa Dami oti di awun bi awon ara london(you have become stingy like london peeps).Silence on my end.Pls now walahi il pay you back.



I just said abeg my lebara credit will finish pls let me know what you decide or your friends no.She was like na wa o in a sarcastic tone.Okay il get back to you on FB.Can you imagine the cheek?First off we are not that close anymore only chat once in a while on FB.Also you that want to buy stuff for your child wont you have the money.Can 'help' with shopping which by the way i hate doing and would prob have to look for a way to get to her friend who might be miles away.But why assume i must have the money? This girl buys all the aso ebi in the world if you see pics on FB.Brazilian monglian peruvian gbogbo e.All the gold sef that me i dont have.Its not cos she lives in Nigeria sef cos i never did that when i lived in Naija.Some ppl sef.SMH.this my mother's family ppl hen.Gosh.

armyofone: i don't like corn in fried rice. Damiso, the corn plenty pass rice
if you offer me that, i will pick/eat the shrimp only

Yeah i know but sweet corn is my daughter's best veg so she will eat cos of it.You dont want to know what i have gone through with that gal to make her eat .

Idowuogbo: oh i c! u one of dem nutritional freaks rite?

No am not o i wish .I just try to watch portions and ratio of food and calories(gosh i am sounding like a health nut )
But seriously am size 14 after my second pregnancy orobo.Want to go back to my size 10/12 and am useless with diets.So the best way to go about it is to watch my diet and portion sizes.Also want to make my daughter used to a varied diet and not coco pops alone(which is all she will eat if you allow her).

But se you people did not see my puff puff .Health nuts dont eat puff puff.

Idowuogbo: madam,ayam sorry o! but na garri dey expensive na! dat na fried vegetables not fried rice. no rice dey inside dat tin mehn...

Na kuku fried rice o watching my weight so trying to eat more veg and less carbs.I think carbs is our greatest undoing i.e we africans.

JeSoul: Nice Damiso. Looks straight up delicious!

What kind of rice did you use for your fried rice? It has a 'transparent' quality unless na camera trick.

Basmati rice.Its called Asli.Its lighter than easy cook rice but sort of has the consistency of easy cook rice.For some odd reason i now find it difficult eating easy cook(you know the type we eat in Nigeria called Aroso).I find it heavy and starchy.Can manage long grain but find that its wierd as fried or jollof rice.

Hello i dont get why my last post on this this topic was hidden.Can i get an explanation for what i did wrong.

Should i stop helping people in Nigeria?

Thank you.

honeric01: I prefer to eat what's in the second picture alone.

[quote

Me too actually do.sometimes.But hubby must eat carbihydrate.I ptacticall have to include veg in all my food if not its eba ot pounded yam with plenty meat .And the annoying thing is cos he is slim he thinks he does not have to eat healthy.I have to keep ringing it in his ears that eating healthy is not about weight alone.

To counter the starch i make sure the ratio of rice to veg is like 60%veg 40% rice.I also try to make my portions like 40% veg 40% protein and 30% carbs.I only try sha.Cos me too i have my guilty pleasures

my legendary fried rice

ayamase or as my daughter calls it green stew.

puff puff

rice and peas with jerk chicken and salad.

mashed potato and veg with pigs in blankets(sausage wrapped in bacon).

baby_123: . Some people sha. They like to take authority to the next level. What wickedness. Some people would have shown the guy bebe in those last few months. . I would still like to know if you needed the reference after all the wahala.

You know what in retrospect i should have just resigned cos i did not need the refrence.They normally contact whoever no you give and i used my padi who was then deputy head of HR who was one of the people that was impressed with me at my interview.But i had already made everybody know that there was more to this issue than meets the eye and alot of people were so disappointed in him.Back then was when GSM was rolling out so they launched in one faaaar northern city and made him regional head.Heard he hated the transfer and resigned.Aint Karma swell .But that man showed me.This thread just made me let loose .

baby_123: You should have quit. What difference will two month salary make? Besides he would have only queried you. What is the worst that could happen? He will not give you a good reference? Will you even need it in the UK sef? Men, see enduring. I really detest the sexual abuse part either by boss or lecturer. Our female law makers are just too shameless. I taya.

I dont know o.I can like to be efiko at times .I always want to do things officially.Hubby sef was like resign jo you might not even the reference.But i was like what if my spouse visa takes longer(and it did) will i now be sitting at home for 3 months.Also i wanted to so lenu(for the non yorubas means kinda give him a bad name ).Most people knew the next day was trad wedding so i kept getting iyawo what are you doing here.Are you not meant to be on leave?And then i would be like its Mr..... that did not approve it o.People were then like why is this man always on your case? It took another unit head and another friend in HR who told me i should just leave at 3.My dad and hubby were mad cos that was the first time they heard of the issue i was having with the man.

baby_123: Ok i see there are many bosses and employers here on this thread. But you do agree that employment laws are lacking in Nigeria, especially employment laws for women. Plus how many people truly are forgiven for calling in sick or for emergencies? Granted there should be a limit to the abuse of these privileges but an employer/boss cannot be too rigid considering the human factor. Anyone that takes time out to go for service/business when they are supposed to be at work should lose that job. So that they can concentrate on their pastor fully. Me, i am fighting for better labor laws for my Nigerian sisters. The labor environment for women and mothers is too exploitative and crude.

Spot on.Its the same world over i.e mothers losing out on career due to motherhood but there should be laws to protect women.Its been a battle here in the Uk and women still make up less than 10% of FTSE 100 CEO.You have to sacrifice at one point no one needs to tell you.But what we are saying is that the Nigerian working enviroment is harsh on employees.Esp women.No one mentioned the blatant s3xual discrumination i highlighted earlier.Believe if i still worked under that man and i called him my child was sick he would have still given me query even if i followed proper channels.Person that made me work till the day of my engagement because he rrfused to give me annual leave of more than 10 days at once(not like i asked for all the 20 at once o just 12 days) and i needed to go for honeymoon as hubby would be coming back to the Uk.I even put it in 5monyhs before my wedding.So i had to work the wednesday before my engagement on thur.My friends were like sebi ur resigning in like a couple of months dont just go what can he do sef?But am just not kind of person.Everyond kept saying is tomorrow not your trad wedding and shaking their heads.It took another unit head to allow me leave at 3pm.

I think i know the church its Pastor abi is it pastor Wole Oladiyuns chuch.Not too sure sha cos i know my aunty goes there every wed 11 to 1 but she is not a office worker.

As an aside not everyone can handle it all i.e career and family life so lets not make those who cant feel bad.Heck me sef i cant o.Thats why am going part time.I cant study,do business,work full time,take care of two kids under 5,i also do some volunteering mentoring teenagers with issues(teenage preg,dysfunctional families etc) at a local mission two hrs a week and be a yummy mummy at the same time .I no fit.As someone said the cut in income is perfectly ok for my sanity.And hubby is hands on but he has to work as well and even harder sef.So yeah career has to take a back burner temporarily.We kuku dont want any more kids so its feasible to say maybe in like 4 yrs and by then would even be more qualified.

uhhm oh i forgot you cant write s3xual discrimination on NL.was wondering where intimate discrimination came from

debrief08: Mrs. Manson, we like excuses sha.
You send a mail and follow up with calls. The mail is evidence and back up in case someone denies getting a call from you, do you go to MTN and ask for a call log?
The time we take to think up excuses we can equally take to do the right thing.

Government work is very lenient and people take undue advantage.

If you are efficient and demand things be done in order you are seen as "wicked' and a "slave driver" meanwhile let 10kobo be missing from their salary.
I wonder how some people in all good conscience collect salary, hakf of the time they are away from their desks.

Debrief i agree with all you said 100%.BUT you will agree that some bosses do like to take the mickey or should i say flex their muscles because they have power over you.And YES it happens in proper well laid up organisations.I was working for a private telco o and there was laid down guidelines.It happens everywhere but alot of the time most Nigerians dont know both their job expectations and their rights.You have twats like that here too but fear of employment tribunal makes them a little more able to play it fair.But in naija most people are just too grateful to have jobs(and also inept sometimes) to stand up for what is right.I remember my colleagues then used to say foolish things like ehen you know your own parents are rich(they were not just middle class ppl who taught us to know our rights and also do whats right),your fiance is abroad,you do business bla bla.I know people who even dated that plonker and those like him to move on.
I was never found wanting in my duties so unfortunately for him he could not get rid of me till i myself was ready to resign.BUT he sure made my life HELL and what used to further aggravate him was my cool demeanour.I was never rude just made him feel foolish.I remember one day he called me into his office, ehen i heard you went to London and Dubai so you could not bring anything for your oga.I smiled and said it was just a shorr holiday to see my fiance.Next i heard you are getting married sef (in my mind what is your buisiness) is that you have not allowed me to take care of you.I gently erased the smile but did not frown.I just sat there stone faced and he too was smiling like an overfed cat.After 10 mins i said Mr ----- is there anything else you want md to do cos i have to finish a report.He still sat there smiling.I just got up and left.I knew he could never fire me.But you know what here he would get fired and also i could sue the co as well.

I never cry wolf or play sympathy card i believe suck it up and get on with it.BUT there is need for clearer laws on sexual and gender discrimination in Nigeria.Same as need for most govt workers to step up their game.

davidylan: I worked in nigeria, its employee rights particularly for govt workers is one of the most lenient the world over. Only in nigeria do you have government workers take off work at 1pm on friday because they want to pray.
Try starting a mid-day fellowship in your offices abroad.

The idea of rubbishing nigeria all because we managed to get visa outside is just appalling.

Oga i am not rubbishing Nigeria.I worked in Nigeria and not in a government organisation.I am never one to rubbish Nigeria just cos i luve abroad.If you read my post you will see i said i dont understand taking time off for religious reasons.And please i did not manage to get a visa Na love believe me i would rather live where i had driver chaffeuring me to work and back instead of standing on a crowded train .

My point is labour laws need to be more defined.I know what is expected of me and also my rights.My boss in Nigeria wanted me to be working till 8-9pm everyday(not cause of some peculiar reason) when my contractual hours are 8 to 6.Ok but at least pay me overtime, No? Ok i can even sacrifice if deadlines need to be met but not when am sitting twiddling my thumbs forming busy but i cant leave cos you are in your office with one of your numerous girlfriends.Unfortunately for him i went back to photocopy my contract and showed him.Apart from him toasting me and always picking on me.He transfered me round Lagos in 6 months.Today uhhm i think you will work in costain.Uhhm i think Adeola Odeku should do.The man showed me ehn .But i was still not scared of him like 95% of his subordinates.Employees like him o.We had all rights but most were too scared to lose their jobs to stand up to him.

If it was here, meeen i would be smiling to the bankd.

ileobatojo: Do they have allowable sick time off work in the company policy? If not, why not? These are the labor issues in Nigeria that needs to be addressed. If she is allowed sick time, then the time off work to care for her child should be applied towards that, simple. That's how it's done in civilized countries!

If there is no sick policy, then dock her pay for the time gone. I never said it is by force to pay her for the time. To query her for caring for her hospitalized child after making a ridiculous, unrealistic demand is quite heartless.



Who ever said she has to draw a full salary? If it's reasonably outside of the time allowed for sick leave, then he can even fire her if he wants. But what is the difficulty in giving her even the one day off to care for her child? He was notified a day in advance but that was not enough, he still wanted her to come in to kiss his a*ss the next day abi? What nonsense. In larger companies in the US, such a woman can even take family, medical leave (FMLA) for which she can be off work for 3 months to address serious illness. The pay is usually graduated down over time.

Like I said, there has to be allowance in work places for people who are genuinely sick to have some job security for some time. Painful as it is for the employer to have someone out, people (and their families) do get sick!



My reason for blaming the boss is not necessarily for giving her a query, but for the reason for the query despite the fact he was notified the day before. If he is legally allowed to have a work place without employees having any recourse when sick, then he is not to blame for that. (that is an issue that needs to be addressed like I said). He was already notified the day before of a hospitalized child and her situation having no other help. How exactly did he expect her to make herself available for work? Why is he so dismissive of her situation? He should have asked for a doctor's note to be able to excuse her. That's what a reasonable boss should have done. I can't imaging calling in sick and be told to make myself available on the said sick day. What manner of rubbish is that? If he had asked her to find her own coverage, that would be a different thing.

The koko of the argument is that people do get sick.Simples.I appreciate that right and proper channels have to be followed but what of the child does indeed have a serious medical condition?My younger bro when he was 3 started off with malaria/flu symptoms and was later diagonised with measles.My mum and dad were in and out of hospital for about 8 weeks.

I have the opportunity to take up to 13 weeks unpaid parental leave in a year and that applies to anyone who has kids under 5 or dependant with disabilities.Funny enough i have up to 80 days paid sick leave(depedent on if its ongoing and so many other factors cant be calling in with flu for 80 days ) but i cant use them to care for my sick child.They are for when I am sick and not anyone else.I get everyone points about lazy employeess etc BUT i still believe labour and employee rights in Nigeria need more working on.

Iused to work on this team where in short my team leader was just a total plonker excuse my french.Very heartless and unnecessarily egoistical.I rarely called in sick but if you did na 21 questions.So it was largely feared to call in sick.You are dying you come in sick.So during the swine flu epidemic one of my colleagues actually had it and thought it was normal flu.Forced herself to come in.Voila as per open plan office and all with sneezing coughing touching the water dispenser she spread it.They had 7 people off in the next week.Thank God me i was on holiday so no carry join their germd .So was it not better for one person to call in sick than lose productivity of over half the team for more than a week? And swine flu was more dangerous for a pregnant person and i and one other of my colleagues were pregnant.As much as employees are measured in terms of productivity, employers should also think of their welfare.

JeSoul: @greatgod2012 & @thread,

looks like there should be two categories - mothers in naija & mothers not in naija. Cos many of the things debrief is mentioning are well in order and I can't imagine trying to pull off in my workplace..."leaving work to go to church" lol...na wa.

As in leaving work to go to church.Gosh.I for one when working in Nigeria never got the whole monday morninv fellowship thing or in some Lagos state instituitions with more muslims friday was a sort of half day.

TBH one day my child minder called hubby to come pick my daughter and inside my 'shush' mind i wished she called me lol.I had one kain report that was giving me headache that day and even had to work late.deep deep down i was like mtscheeeew hen why did this woman not call me naaa.I would give anything at this moment not to be here .

debrief08: I am sorry but the only conflict I see here is that of a woman who didn't do the right thing.
If your child is sick, don't start screaming and shouting in confusion, compose your self, get to the hospital and memo you collegues and boss, if everyone is copied I don't see why the query will arise.

I think debrief is right.I dont want to believe the query was for her child being ill.You have to let the proper people know and IN TIME as well.My boss knows that i call( text is not enough) everyday as early as 8 before the working day starts

God bless them.I kinda think my dad was really not what you would call hands on in the form of chores i.e changing diapers etc but he was really involved in our lives.Everyday his words of wisdom.come through in my life and am so blessed to have had him as my Dad.

I remember my first few days in Uni the man was driving me around,helping keep space in registration lines( you know naija unis are now).After three days i got embarassed and told him i will find my way .Ha ha everybody was looking at me like one daddy's girl.Haa the man made us girls feel so confident of who we are.I remember every month ice cream and burgers at the then Terries and Murphy's burger.Gosh i miss my daddy so much right now i feel like crying.RIP.

I celebrate hubby and all those men who take part in their kids lives so my post wont be like eulogy to my dad.

davidylan: I dont agree. If i were a business owner i would be hard pressed to take that for an excuse. I pay you to do a job (on a contract you agreed to) not to spend that time taking care of your child. Would it also be fair for me to dock your pay for the time you were out busy with your sick child?

Yes i often take the time out unpaid or as thankfully my manager is understanding(my co is quite family oriented not everyone is that lucky) he allows me use my holidays to make it up.When my daughter was in nursery i can authoritavely say that about 10 days of my 28 day annual leave was used for sick/doc appts.So if hubby too is unable to take time off and my manager insists i cant take it we leave an 18 month old on her own?Or can she take herslf to the doctor?You also see where i said i agree that action must be taken if a pattern is noticed.In my case manager knows am a conscientous person with very high ethics and even asks when am back how my child is now
That makes me feel that am valued yes cos of the work do but also as a human being.Research in the UK at least has shown that employers who place a premium on work life balance have the lowest staff turn over ratios.They are able to retain people they have invested alot into.My company is part of the best 100 companies to work in the UK and even when looking for other jobs when i weigh the other benefits i get the financial aspect cant even begin to cover it.

An employee attitude to work matters,if you are generally the lazy,lack of intiative excuse giving worker chances are you might be lying
But if you have high work ethic and built that trust your employer knows you really had to take that time off.

With my second pregnancy i had it really rough.I had a 2 and a half yr old and i was always sick
I was very anaemic and even fainted at work on two occassions.My dept head personally signed me off for two weeks when he saw me back at work two days after one of the fainting incidents.Prior to that i had no sick days and my sick record with my daughter pregnancy was basically non existent.I worked two weeks to my due date because i was strong enough.I leave home and leave all my family issues at the door.I get paid to do a job and i do the best i can give in while there.But am a mum and i say it with pride that my kids are more important than my job.end of.I get the business angle of it but what cant be helped must be endured.

I really respect single mums cos i have a hubby and he sometimes is the one that stays behind to look after the kids.Its a tough one and as jidegirl is basically the maternal instinct to nuture that makes it look like the woman often is the one who sacrifices on career.That said i still advocate for mums to have other things to.occuppy them.

Very apt topic dealing yours truly at the mo.First of i dont think its fair for someone to recieve a query cos their child is ill,if a child is ill they are ill.That said some women do tend to skive off using their kids as excuse and if its a pattern i think a verbal warning is due.Nigerian labour laws and even most parts of the western world have a long way to go in terms of work life balance.

That said even in the uk with the so called equality and parental laws,motherhood sort of puts a spanner though sometimes temporary in a womans career wheel.Also depends on what sort of partner you have,what sort of support network, where you live etc.My mum had it good cos she had my grandmas,my grand aunties and she worked in a govt parastatal.Even then when they moved to Abuja she decided to stay back in Lagos cos of us and that sort of affected her once rapid rise.

In the uk its not obvious its just something that you know yourself.I know roles and promotions i applied for and my feedback would be your qualified,your skill set match the role,you got glowing refrence from your manager but we nedd someone who can travel to ipswich,manchester,bournemouth,bristol etc(mycompany has 22 offices within the uk) at the shortest possible notice.And of course i dont fit that bill cos of my luggage .I hear your working hrs dont fit our business needs(i work full time o just flexi time if i come in 10 i leave 5 9 leave 4 cos i pick my daughter and hubby drops)am like which kain excuse be this.I even forego my lunch and even my manager knows that i put in a 100% when am there.The girl that covered me on my mat leave is now a senior analyst cos she no get unnecessary bagage if you say lets go to new york tomorrow she says what time?Me i have to say pls let me call my hubby,i need to arrange childcare,my son has doc appt bla bla.If i ran a business might actually prefer the girl to me sef .

That said its knowing your priorities at any said time in your life.My priority for now is my kids.Fortunately my hubby backs me and that might not be the case if say maybe i earned more and we really needed the money.So intend to work part time till my baby goes to reception
I was stressed,grumpy,irritable,tired etc when i worked full time and kept transferring my aggression to my poor child .Does not mean i dont want a career but at the moment dont think am strong enough to be good at it all.I also run a business by the side and one can never know if it takes off might end up being an entrepreneur.So i guess its up to individuals to decide what their priorities are at any point in time.

aniffy4eva: Oh well, maybe i should speak from the other side of the divide. Some of these people really NEED the help, either from abroad or locally. Growing up was quite difficult for me and i had 2 sets of "cousins". Type A cousins had the mentality of majority of the people in this forum - "All Nigerians are unworthy of help... blah blah blah....", treated me like shiit .. (chai i don suffer...) but i took all in stride....and then i got a whiff of one of my cousins who lived in the US. I got in touch with him and the "HELP" was consistent throughout my school years. $100 now and again.. here and there...I'll call him the Type B cousin.

Fast forward a few years later... levels don change ... i'm his (Type B cousin) kids' favourite uncle - always showing up with loads of toys etc. He's glad to be a part of my success story. We are VERY close and he's strong influence in my life!

Type A cousins are now struggling desperately hard to be "friends", adding me on FB, trying to have a "relationship" etc... it's just the christian in me that restrains me from giving them the "middle-finger salute"

@ OP.. what i'm trying to say is

Help as much as you can without causing your nuclear family harm.
Don't borrow people what you can't "dash"
There'll always be good and bad people and the "bad" ALWAYS outnumber the good - however, in your bid to weed out the bad, make sure you don't hurt the good.
IMO, i support sustainable "HELP" directed at education, capacity building etc. I usually don't do stuff like "business ideas", "marriage ceremonies" etc

Of course some people need help cos your tone about the 'people' on this thread suggests we think they dont.Will gladly continue to help anyone cos funny enough helping should not be just to family.We have a moral.compass in us that dictates we need to help people in more need than us be it giving yo charity donating to a food bank sponsoring a poor kid through school mentoring etc.

The issue most people or let me speak for myself is this dependence or should i say sense of entitlement.Did you read my post?Was my aunty not helped?Dare say i she even views her hubby as a meal ticket cos when my mum advises her wont u find something to do to bring in small income you hear my hubby wont allow me he does not want me to work bla bla and then turn round and say my mum is jealous cos she had to work for luxuries and she has them given to her by her husband.Like seriously.....Is Mac powder necessity?

Never again.Thank God my mum raised us right so none of my siblings are like that.

biolabee: @Op(Bigheart)
 
You have done your bit
The next thing for you is to close shop and focus on yourself and your (new) family
When you guys are comfortable (a home paid for, child care n school fees sorted out for at least 2 years. Stash money for emergencies (be it medical etc usally 6 times your monthly income ) then you can use your church/mosque/shrine mind to consider requests on merit
Until then NO NO
Also don’t loan out money you cant afford to lose
 
May God help you
 
@Ajanlekoko
Superb insight as usual. Undue reliance on benevolence has stifled the black race
Use the gifts to grow yourself and be appreciative but people believe in coming to collect fish instead of becoming fisher men
 
@damiso
Sorry about your aunt but tyour mum should have cut off long ago
That may have helped her to sit up
May God help her and u also.
 
@Siena
So you don sleep for BIG FREEZE befor o
God go repay that guy
 
@TheCongo
Thanks for pointing out this is not unique to Nigerians but it is African nay a human problem

May God help you and us all.My mum is from a verrrrry sentimental and daresay I one kain competitive polygamous home.She is my mums only full sis so i guess my mum always thought she owed it to her to make something of her life.Funny enough the boys were not like that.One of my uncles is now a GM in an insurance co in Lagos when that one is coming over na enjoyment for my kids .To be honest iv learnt so much from my parents lives that i.am kinda happy i was old enough to share some experiences.

All in all i think its basically a sense of self entitelment.I hate stories like ehn my dad did not pay for my masters in UK and he had the money o.If not i would have been working in Shell now.Am like pay for your masters yourself?Uhm that my dad bro uncle sis wife is a minister daughter why can she not give me letter to NNPC all this rich people are wicked.Am like must you work in NNPC so now that you are not working in NNPC cant you be proactive think outside the box and stop flashig me to send you a BB
It really is irritating.

AjanleKoko: What is it with us Africans and 'help' sef?
Why should anybody 'help' anybody? All this 'help' is what is killing the continent, killing initiative, and promoting unnecessary entitlement mentality and laziness in the name of 'community support'.

People should stop giving handouts to relatives. If they want to go to school, ask for the school bank account and pay the fees yourself.
If they want to set up a business, ask them to get a a job first, even if it means sweeping the streets. Why should anyone who has never worked a day in their lives be trusted to run any kind of business?
If you want to build a house back home, come back, do your research, buy your land yourself, and do the heavy lifting. If your relative is sick and needs to buy drugs, ask the name of the drugs, purchase them and send over, or at least try to get in touch with the doctor.

Do not say 'he is my brother, sister, uncle, cousin, and therefore I trust him.' Deal with anybody the way you would deal with anyone else. No free lunch anywhere, and that should not be the case in Africa.

Do you know, I have personally witnessed a top SS politician 'dash' someone a casual gift of US$10,000?
How would such a recipient every condemn that kind of politician, or even question how he is able to dash somebody that kind of money as 'transport'? That is how those people you say you are 'helping' view you. They believe you are abroad, and have lots of spare change, especially given the difference in exchange rate. So if they are able to access a few hundred dollars/pounds/euros from you, it doesn't harm you any, plus they can also live 'big' to some extent back home. So, no need to complain, OP. Just change your style.

I think this cos the only form of fall back or should i say 'welfare' is family.Here if you fall on bad times there are things you can falk back on without necessarily needing family(also abused but another story).But as been said i think people should develop the attitude of being responsible for themselves and also ingrain in their kids.By the time my child finishes their first degree any help i give from then on is seen as obligatory and not mandatory.If you decide you want to do masters i will loan you the money at a lower rate of student loan(just as a sort of lessom does not necessarily mean i wont let go or still give the money to them) its just to curb in them a sense of entitlement.

I have an aunty gosh she is something else.She is 50 this yr and has been moaning all her life on people who were meant to help and did not.First her parents for not sending her to uni my grandad in particular as he had too many kids(this same man gave birth to my mum and she practically scrimped to send herself to uni).Then her aunty who was the richest in the family at the time.As soon as my mum got married(God bless my dad for taking on so much drama at such a young age) my mum practically became mum to 4 grown ass siblings.She sent to her to fasion design schl she dropped out,secetarial schl she dropped out, catering schl she dropped out not counting the no of GCE's paid for.
Then came the era of blaming my mum for not allowing her travel abroad(my mum worked in oil and gas dept of a then govt parastatal) as my mum traveled alot.Like the woman is British high commisioner or american ambassador.Ok fast forward to her running my mums supermarket aground(mum thought ok as you have nothing doing manage this with a salary and lets see how far).
Long story short she sha met an engineer(through my mum again) and the guy fell im love and married her.He had a good job anf they lived a confortable life.But trust people like that to be extravagant and kerp up with the joneses to feel good about their inadequacy.When my mum advises her she will get angry and sometimes even insinuate envy.All through this good times o she still expected me to be sending her money and stuff o.Uhmm she will be like buy me underwear from MandS.Buy my daughter sch shoe she wants Clarks or Kickers.I want Mac powder.bla bla.I used to indulge all this but sometime last yr i told my mum no more.She told everyone am now stingy like everyone in Uk.i dony care.
Her hubby lost his oil servicing job last May and now she is on another blaming fest.She is not even talking to my mum and my uncle cos those ones told her hard facts.Her husband too is a foolish man.They spent 700k on 10 yr old bday party in april hubby loses job in may a d they are panicking about sch fees.She called me that her daughter sch fees is 420k and me and hubby 'need''to drop something.Like WTH.She stopped talking to my uncle when that one asked if her child must go to that sch.I sha sent her £100 and you wont believe that she did not even say thank you.Me am not even looking for her thank you but she started bad mouthing my mum and my siblings that we abandoned her in her time of trouble.My sis also gave her 25k.Am like did she expect the whole 420k ni?
So you see some people are just outta this world.So many of them telling me to open business for them like am a equity investor.Go the bank with your business plan man

I can so feel the OP.Had so many similar experiences and the one that annoys me the most is so called 'big ' boys and girls in my case who say to you lai lai me i cant live in the UK what do they do there God forbid and then in the same vein say i like this your bag can i have it .Am like .People richer than you o.

All in all i will still help if i can but never again will i give out what i cannot afford to give out.If i help someone i want to just forget about it so any business dealing i have to transact in Nigeria must be one i can physically monitor.

Hi jidegirl happy new year

As you said it takes alot of work and learning to understand your partner.The first one year of marriage i was so worked up and i used to think which kain person be this.He was tooo western for my liking.I used to want to change him by fire by force.Ha me i dont like this your Church of England jare no holy spirit shaking prayer.He was like ok no prob you can go to your pentecostal church.I then kept trying to force him to go with me.TBH it was more because the people there knew i was married and so in turn kept insinuated i was married to.an unbeliever.Me that i converted( i was just not born a muslim i was a practising one was vice president of mss in my sec schl.My ustaz was heartbroken for weeks when he found out i converted and marrired a christian.My own mother sef made my life hell) so i cant get why i was sooooo judgemental.I have matured more not just in marriage but in my walk with God.I know my husband bears the fruit of the spirit.

debrief08: Lol, almost decribed my husband. At work I have no issues being professional and not nice when I need to bbe strict but with personal relationships I was a walk over.

I believed a woman was primarily to please a man, hubby on the other hand believes everyone must be a complete human being and have healthy arguements. Over the years I have learnt yo disagree properly without bbeing disrespectful.

Financially he is prudent, I am the spend as we go type, he plans for every kobo how much we spend on charity etc. Me I try now but some times I say let me just "look into a shop" and I[b][/b] come out hiding some shoes and dresses. He knows.

Also I was over diplomatic and he was not at all now I am learning that some people don't need diplomacy and he is learning to bite his tongue more.

That is so us too.I can spend for africa and am sucker for sob stories.Even my mum used to be so worried about me not having the financial.discipline to say no to people.My own spending was soooooo way out of proportion to my earnings and am learning from him to budget and stick to it.

I too am very dipolomatic and if 10 people asked me to help at the same time and it meant me not sleeping i would do it.I.found it very difficult to say no to people.He taught to sometimes think of myself and it was better to to say no to 7 and do 3 to perfection than say yes to 10 and make a mess of it, just cause you dont want to hurt people's feelings.

Ha my hubby bluntness .He once asked my pastor(to his face o i almost entered the ground) why RCCG opened parishes on every corner like Tesco.I told him why does he want to know and i explained to him it was something to do with not walking or driving more than 10 mins to church.He said so why 2 next to each other? I sha said whats your own?So the day my pastor came to preach to him to attend my church and not his anglican communion he asked the question amongst so many other toe curling ones .The man does not bother anymore.He is just happy he is ok with me worshipping where i want.