₦airaland Forum

Hi everyone,saw this topic on a parenting website i frequent and thought to post here.

Let me go first.Cant really say i have horrible experiences as i tend to always look at people's good sides as opposed to the bad.Generally i have never been a cliquey BFF till i die kind of person.I have always been an inbetweener.When i was uni some of my friends called me their best friend but to me they were just good friends.Guess cos its cos i understand that we are human and are all fallible so i dont place unnecesssary pressure on another person to be perfect.I had friends that were so called bubblers(i wonder if that term is still correct ) to the outright geeks.The day one girl in my class saw me in the Library the shock on her face was so funny cos she prob thought i did not know where the library was .

I personally cant say a friend has done something so awful to me.Maybe the ones i notice that try to compete with you at everything in a subtle way.Always trying to make you know that they are doing waaaaay better than you.But as my signature says Life is not a sprint and me am not competing with nobody.They just amuse me and i try not to hold it against them,some people are just very competitive by nature,the only way they feel validated is knowing they are doing better than someone else and thats all good.

So whats the worst thing you feel a friend or as this is family section a relative has done to you?

naijababe: Eeeeee my sister, what can I say?! I be proper shayo na

Ijebu women normally are .I think its my 1/4 dilution that has not made me proper one.The women on my mother side of the family their own hen

There really is nothing i can say that has not been already said but all i can say is that 4 yrs is still quite a young marriage.The first couple of years in marriage sometimes lays the tone for the rest of the marriage.

I think communication is key here.Thats why its often said to marry your friend that you are in love with.When all those lovey dovey phase end its mainly friendship you have left.Do you guys just talk about serious stuff i.e the kids,bills,marriage bla bla all the time?Sometimes alot of people just feel disillusioned with the whole responsibility thing and just need their spouse to be their padi once in a while.

I remember the first year i got married,hubby is the type that when he has a bad day at work he would just want to eat and sleep.I would notice he was low and would insist on him telling me what was wrong by force by fire.He would be like can we talk tomorrow and straight am on the defensive you dont talk to me and start arguing with an already stressed man.With time i learnt if he says i dont want to talk about it right now i would just say ok.In the course of the night say we are watching arsenal play(gunners family unfortunately )after we have heaped curses on then Eboue and how adebayor was just a fluke player,then watched CSI and argued on whodonit i would not need to nag for him to open up on the issue.


My own take is look for what makes the home light hearted and sometimes just be his friend.

P.S not saying its all down to you alone o,it has to be a joint thing but as it seems you are the one who is troubled maybe you can intiate it.

Uhhmm naijababe i bow for u o. ;DMe with my small shot of baileys that i nurse for hrs and take every once in a yr.Hubby is convinced i would be less uptight about certain things if i drank a lil more,na him know.

Gosh this your update really makes me want to move back to Naija this minute.We plenty wey Uk don tire .

Of course it is It really is not a question of propriety or not.Its individual choice.

I do.And on those days when am assigned the most mind numbing and irritating tasks,i look at my family 's picture on my desk and think at least i get to go home to that.Instantly i feel better

The trouble-shooter.But sometimes i wish someone elae too could be the calm one.My familia love drama .Esp my mums side of the family.My siblings seem to be picking up those traits small small

I think OP poster should answer some of the questions raised BUT the guys seems stingy.Its not about being a leech as the OP seems ok with buying the stuff for herself.Its just the non-chalance and seeming selfishness he exhibits towards his fiancee and someone he has been dating for four years.When you love someone you want to make things right for the person and they dont need to ask(i hate asking people for stuff).

I dont want to believe its just about BB(that seems childish) but lil lil things.My younger sis was ill in the hospital for two weeks and her bf then came to see her on his way back from work.He kept coming empty handed.My sis is covered at work by Insurance so her bills are taken care of(he is just a bf so not even asking him to pay the bills) but not even 50 naira oranges.Or lucozade boost or even something just small.See am not emphasising on the cost or what it is its just the thought.My mum noticed,i noticed and my sister herself acknowledged that he was kinda stingy.Always thinking of himself only.Needless to say they have broken up but not just cos of that.

See me complaining that my hubby does not get me proper vals gift but I know from his actions right from when we were dating that he always wanted to make me comfortable.My mum was visiting the UK back then and never used to have a mobile cos she felt she did not need one.He asked whats mummy mobile no and i said she does not have one dont mind her she is doing ijebu call her on her cousins land line.When he came down to see her from manchester he came with a phone with a sim card and loaded with £10 credit.And he was a student.It was one of this Old Nokias then nothing fancy.It was just the thought behind it cos he said she was never home when he called.

I was raised by two opposites.My Dad(God bless his soul i miss him so much ) was not what you will call the typical Nigerian.Alot of people did not understand and alot of people used to call him a marxist.Very intellectual and logical.My mum on the other hand typical Ijebu woman.Drama,emotional,enterprising,loving, are some of the adjectives i can use for the woman.

I can say that though not as cerebral as my Dad i can say am 70% him and 30% my mum.My dad was very democratic and his words right from when i was a toddler was E jeki Omo mi soro e ma ohun mo lenu(let my child speak dont silence her).We had loads of relatives(mostly my mum's) and they were of the opinion Kids are meant to be seen not heard,Daddy was having none of it.In that aspect the man suceeded in giving every single one of us a sense of self worth.He made us realise that yes money is Nice but you are getting an education not just to earn money but to broaden your mind.His mantra was Think Think.and as you can imagine he was not what you will call a good muslim .Just joking but most of our alfas used to avoid him cos he could ask questions on what was Islam and what was Arab culture.Lol .He used to say his own girls sole aim in life is not to marry and if any yeye guy maltreats you your room is vacant(mummy used to say God forbid and give him dirty looks )

Mum on the other hand taught us the spirit of enterprise.I had been helping in my mum supermarket from like 12.She taught us if you want nice things you work for it(Daddy too but he was not really into Things as opposed to acquiring knowledge).Thank God for Mummy if not we for be the pikins with all the textbooks but crappy clothes .Mum also taught us to know God more and i guess wanting to know God more made me convert.If not for mummy too i would have done Phd before getting married .All in all i think they both did a cracking job and the differences in views made me who i am today.

CC that football ticket thing is such a good idea(stealing it).He also said one day he might like to try sky-diving but typical black woman in me said sky-diving ko river-flying ni .What if something goes wrong?Hian me i am not for all these oyinbo adventures o.I dont want to be a young widow *shudders* God forbid.

As you said there is only so much stuff you can buy.So experiences seem like the way to go.I am tired of buying watches and perfumes,Ipad and all the normal ish.Unfortunately cant afford car that he will like .Oluwa bless our hustle so as soon as i get my villa in Marbella or St Tropez,me i can then buy 2013 BMW

Brand_new: Who uses Seiko? Sounds kinda old school. Citizen too ain't that sleep. Abi you are in your 50's ni? What happened to makes like Rado and Movado they come in very sleek designs. Or you can get classy watches like Longines. You can get him a Rolex if you have plenty of cash to burn.


As for me I'll die for a woman who buys a Wewood for me. Wanted to get one recently but postponed it.

You sound like my hubby.He too says Seiko and citizen are for old men .Like he is a young man

jennykadry: ^^^^And who said people cannot disagree and still get along? I remember disagreeing with you yesterday on that thread that Coogar and co have decided to kill themselves on I apologise if I upset you or misunderstood you.

As per topic, the tables have turned. Hubby used to be the one struggling to buy me things. When we were dating he used to use the same line I used as my thread topic. He couldn't buy shoes cos I love shoes, he couldn't buy me jewelleries cos I gat them, he couldn't buy me clothes cos I lost count of what I had. Wrist watches nko? I remember one of my uncles used to tell me then to tone down a bit cos no man would marry me What do I want with an insecure man anyways? Bless my mum who said her kids will not stop taking care of themselves because of one man.

Some men are like your hubby. You can't change them you just have to live with them, ol'boy the things we women put up with and you wonder why they can't live without us . Your birthday is January? so is mine

Your opinion jenny no hard feelings .Me i rarely get upset with people over differing opinions even in real life.My hubby calls me madam devils advocate or politician cos in arguments my first quote lets put ourselves in his/her shoes .


I taya for the man o.As i said i think say na eco after how many years of marriage am just sussing him out.Hin go hear am when he come back from work tonight. .

Let him just come out and say ol gal you wan kill me within 3 months rather than Vals is a commercial invention by the ever increasing consumer culture we have.Which kain nonsense english is he speaking?

I find it difficult buying him gifts too cos his taste hen.He believes in quality over quantity.He can buy one winter coat £500 and use it for 5-6 yrs.But me i will buy cheape £50 one and buy 3 colours in the same winter.Though he is always telling me buy what you can afford but why buy what he wont wear?

OP that your friend hen should be your best friend.Thank God and him for your life.I know people who deluded themselves for years with no one to bring them back to reality.
In short thank God for using him as an instrument of good in your life.

Sorry to steal your thunder but i wish i could get a potion to get hubby to believe in Vals .He think its a made -up holiday and only gets me flower(cos he realised i take it personal,changing though i wont tell him ) choc and card.So il get him card too.Petty right.

To be fair to him though he is a gift giver(if such a word exists) and they are often for no reason.I saw this and thought you will like it.And this can be April 10(no special day).I then feel bad for being petty on insisting i want a gift on vals day.He would rather celebrate our wedding anniv which is 9 days after vals actually.Or he is playing smart to save money, ,christmas is dec,my bday is in Jan and our wedding anniv is in February too.So to save face on buying additional gift na to dey form i dont believe in Vals. .Still love him sha just being a petty woman.


Jenny you are lucky .Debrief has given on point ideas i might steal from for our wedding anniversary.

debosky: It's quite interesting that many of the combatants on this thread do not have any parenting nor marriage experience, but deem it fit to make sweeping generalisations on either side of the divide.

Theory is one thing, reality is another.

The ones I respect are those that have seen/experienced both sides - being a working mum and staying home as they have the valid life experiences.

Don't get too hung up on your theories - if you do, you might just be unable to adapt if/when life throws you a curveball.

500 likes to this.One of my mantras is i will never judge a person(some things o not murder or very evil things) decisions and choices cos i have never walked in their shoes.Alot of times we see someone and think we are BETTER than them cos they are doing things differently from how we are.Alot of times its just to make ourselves feel better about the choices we make.I too am guilty of this but learning to renew my mind regarding this.Let each man do what works for THEM.

I know people are diff and what can get to A might not necessarily get to B but as the title is your thoughts on cyber bullying,I think its a sort of abuse(bullying is abuse)that can be turned off.If you get bullied (still getting my head round how faceless handles can make you feel threatened)say on NL,then dont log in to NL if you are not psycologically able to withstand it.Simples .Or better still avoid or ignore the bully abi they sha cant come to your house and switch on your phone or ipad for you to read them by force .


I do get though the shock some people experience when they are attacked for having different opinions on issues.Even twins born out of the same womb have diff take on issues how much over 1 million people(if we are to believe NL stats).I dont get insults thrown left right and center.Maybe its cos of the kind of person i am,i often dont get the need for the insults and taunts.

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww .Lovely thread.Funny enough the animal photos pulled at my heart strings the most.For all those saying them down are u not awed by the basic maternal instinct of even animals to protect their young.This planet belongs to them too you know

How Great is God for creating nature
Absolutely beautiful.

My daughter's first words were DaDa and i was like when will she say Mama or Mummy.I was told the Dada was not actually Daddy just the easiest thing to say .

I was sooo happy when she said mummy for the first time.awwww my heart melted.


Now i sometimes want to go days without hearing the word.Its said like 500 times a day.
Mummy can i pls have toast?Mummy why is snow white?Mummy when is daddy back? Mummy bobo is making mess everywhere?Mummy Isabel pushed me?Mummy Miss gave me sticker.Believe me by 8.30pm i hate the name

Before i get accused of consoling myself again(by the way am not YET a stay at home mum)is it too much to say that because I cant concieve MYSELF staying at home full time it means i should look down on a woman who does?

Why must we always OUR worldview should be another persons world view?I think the thread should stop being an argument of FOR/AGAINST.

Diff people,diff circumstances.

Just to add people tend to always look for faults in other people doing something different just to make themselves feel better.

jennykadry: Wow, you are really trying to console yourself. Why do you keep going on like this? Are you trying to convince yourself that you did the right thing?

You are struggling to convince yourself here. You don't need supporters or people that are in the same boat as you to prove you are doing the right thing

Nope.I dont need people online to convice me or support me.If you read my posts i have continually said do what works for you.So why pick on the parts of my posts that are banter?

My issue is one side should not knock the other.If i work i dont have the right to say a stay at home mum is lazy and if i am a stay at home mum i dont have a right to say a working mum is not a good mum to her child.

naijababe: Babe, you are killing me .

Yes naa .My friend told me she had her baby through CS and see how she was begging me not to tell anyone like its a bad thing.I told her babes i wont tell anyone but you know the most important thing is you and your baby are fine.

Its just how we are.My mum kept pinching me when she came to help me and i was telling someone i was due in March.Am like mum so what will happen now abegi jare lets not let fear rule us jo.

Makes me remember how in Nigeria you cant tell anyone your due date when you are pregnant.But oyinbo standing in the line behind
you at tesco will tell you what she is having,her due date,if you want sef when the baby was concieved .

Or how you cant tell people you had a caesarean section?Or how you dont tell people when you are travelling?

I think its just an african or rather non- caucasian(asians are quite similar to us) trait to think people are out to get you.Cant say i blame them

Morayo747: The thing is this: This argument has no right or wrong side it depends on personal circumstances. I'll use myself as an example I grew in a home where I hardly saw my parents both worked on the Island whilst we lived on the mainland so was brought up by househelps basically. Yes we had good things of life quality education and all that (went to Chrisland). Clearly we wouldnt have had such a good life if it was just my dad was working and my mum was the stay at home type.

Fast forward to the present day. I am agreeing to let my wife stay home because it is not the same circumstances and it makes no economic sense for me to pay out more than she would earn for childcare. Ofcourse there are dodgy daycares that charge about £10 a day to look after kids whilst parents (mostly on low wages that can't afford otherwise) go to work.Their hygiene levels are suspect and there's is ofcourse the problem of over crowding and the likes. And what if something happens? The government will hold you(forget say na your pikin o) and the operative of the illegal daycare laible. I would never be able to forgive myself doing that just to have a few hundred more pounds every month. There is more to life than money.

But like I said some people really have no choice in this matter. I can afford this so I see no problems with it. Some people can't. That's life fingers are not equal.

Spot on.If i dont work,we can survive on hubby's wages.Might mean i might not be buying a new bag every month,instead of Dubai or Florida holiday Majorca or Cornwall.It might mean i would have to be more savvy in how i spend BUT our quality of life might not necessarily fall.It just means I for now might have to let go of some things.That said i have some savings and investments as well run a small business so i can still.afford to do stuff for myself without having to ask hubby for every lil 10 pence.

Its only wise that if you feel family cant afford to get by why would you sit at home doing nothing?

Also to correct another point fulfilment might not necessarily be in monetary terms.I am 3/4 ijebu so its in my genes to like money but i have been volunteering at a local mission helping a zimbabwean friend of mine and trust me those few hrs a week make me feel like am making a difference.Its almost a better feeling(ok not better maybe the same ) as when i get my annual bonus in March.

ifyalways: Unserious thread meant for entertainment purpose only
OP and nearly all the contributors are Internet Nigerians. it's all theorys,hearsay and a figment of their imaginations.

The only housewives,full time housewives in Naija are found in VGC,Chevron,Lekki and Ikoyi.They are either trophy wives or educated babes married to Politicians or super rich biz men.They don't need no work and they don't spend their time cleaning,cooking or babysitting either.They have nannies,cooks and helps,they live for shopping,partying and clubbing.

I don't see how they make better moms than their counterparts selling fish at Obalende mkt 6 to 6 each day.

True that.Not everyone can AFFORD it.But chei i goof o why i no marry those big boys naaa .But me i wont be shopping,partying and clubbing only o. Me i will do charity work.

naijababe: Yes if you are a quality parent . Speaking for myself, I hope I never find myself in a situation where I feel I need a career to survive, quitting my job has been the best thing to happen to me and my family. I don't want to do the rat race thing again abeg!!!

Naijababe chop knuckle .Walahi there are a million and one things that i feel i have a passion for outside what i do for a living
All this also entail me using my education,the only difference is i might not earn so much money doing them.

For now make my pikins dey enjoy a less stressed mummy.You should have seen me early last yr 7 months preggers with a clingy 2 and a half yr old.And that was even with hubby doing dropping and more or less taking her off me at the weekends
Gosh i was so grumpy.

So wrong even if he was eating a sandwich,pizza or rice.You should not even answer the phone(at work)while eating.Its unproffessional.Everyone is saying its ok cos its the public service.
Can a cashier in Zenith bank be eating amala while attending to you?And for those who said maybe its his lunch break,go and ask those working in Banks they rarely go for lunch but still does not mean you can be eating amala and attending to customers.

P.S OP is wrong to have posted pic without permission that breach of privacy.

Naaa cant uproot hubby and my daughter.And if we even look at your argument,hubby earns more than me so why should he follow me to where i might not even earn as much(London weighting will be lost).

Naaaa I want to be a stay at home mum. .Make i dey cook and clean and tutor the kids for a while.I deserve it after all the manic running round like a headless shiken.


Dont mind me,if we can get a suitable alternative role on reduced hrs(i have two kids now) in London il be fine.If not i take the money and go.I cant cope with the full time hrs.I will be a horrible person to live with.

coogar: if your house is not on mortgage, i would advise you guys move not too far from your place of work. that's what i did when i was waking up too early to travel to the city from east london. i just decided enough is enough and i moved to fulham. there's this myth that houses in and around such areas are too expensive. i later found out it's a big lie. by the time you add convenience, comfort and oyster card charges to your rent or mortgage, it exceeds staying close to the city!



snide remarks are natural.....your team members would think you are being a snob! they can never understand your hustle! if you can move, take the option, move your daughter's school newer the same area too. my house to oxford circus is a 15 min bus ride, victoria is about 25 min ride. life is good!

They are even moving my department to Ipswich from.february and i sure aint moving to Ipswich. .So am at the risk of redundancy.Fortunately or unfortunately as i was told by employment lawyers mat leave period is kinda protected so they are offering me a enhanced severance package.Still thinking bout it and still in consultation at the mo
Hubby advised me to take the money,put it in savings and we live on his wages till i get something else preferably on a part time basis.

I no know jare,make God help me cos am confused ojere.

Efemena_xy: So the nurseries still give that sh!!t drivel about paying £10 for every 1 minute you're late??

That aside, my sister, your own even better. In my case they see nothing abnormal with starting at 8am and finishing by 6pm (earliest). Anything before 6pm is like... "Cor! You're taking the mickey aren't you? You're doing half-day or something?"

And lemme not add the stress involved too. Omo come see colleagues taking months off work due to stress related issues / depression plus taking anti depressants. When they get back, they "ease" the nut cases gradually into work like say 3 days a week, to close 1 or 2 hours earlier...

Make I just siddon jejely dey enjoy my maternity leave for here jor

Abi o enjoy am wella.But 6-8
Sis u be superwoman o i no fit.uhmm lai lai.

coogar: may heaven bless your employer - in dayokanu's country of residence, you would have been sacked!!!




biko, how easy do you want it to be?

Okay let me paint one picture.My dept can like to do team night outs team bonding team outing and all those wahala.Due to my flexible working pattern,if i get to work 8 i leave 3,9 i leave at 4,10 i leave at 5.But hubby works in the City so he can afford to leave home later.I decide to then take the option of getting to work half 8 and leave at half 3 so i can pick my daughter as he drops her.These my daughter nur charge £10 for every min ur late so see me rushing round like an headless chicken in order to always get there on time(have to pick her by 5).These team night outs are always like 7/8 and unfortunately for me am the only mum on my team.So i end up missing most of them.They treat me differently not based on the fact that i dont get my work done.But i dont really socialise with them and sometimes those outings impact the work enviroment.

I get snide remarks like but you get to leave early,i had to tell one when i leave my house am sure ur still in bed.I was always on edge but i learnt to be confident in my work.and work ethic.You can go to blazes for all i care but am a mum as well deal with it.So its not easy seriously its hard and thats where i agree with you that its difficult to give (but not impossible) 100% at both.One might suffer.

coogar: leave where you reside and join the civilised continent.....



whenever i say america is a 3rd world country - people challenge me. come and spend 2 yrs in the uk and see the respect employers dish out to mothers. mothers are the salt of the earth here - they make their lives comfortable. so i agree, what obtains in the animal kingdom called america might not be the same here. y"all are flaming capitalists so i understand your frustrations. if i were you, i would book overtime for myself and my wife. hell, rent a caravan and put it in the car park of your company!



she should marry a shoemaker!!!

Uhmm Uncle Coogar which kain UK?The one where David Cameron and his con-dem govt keep squezing the middle-class.Uncle i know you are rich but we are not o so its biting. My employer though flexible and accomodating still sometimes have issues arising by being a working mother.You want to try roles i have applied for and did not get cos i cant travel at the drop of a hat.

Yeah employment laws are somewhat family friendly in the UK but its still not easy. Maybe in the Nordic scandinivian countries.

Sisi_Kill: I know a woman who works from home...they converted their downstairs bedroom into an office for her. She's got everything in there....more than she would have even gotten if she was working at the office (Two Monitors, laptop and own printer etc...no need to install server in the living room, in this day and age there is VPN )

Anyhoo, this woman wakes up in the morning, gets her kiddies ready for school, sips her coffee while she's waiting by the front door for school bus to pick up her children and as soon as they are on the bus...she gets into her study and starts working until the children get back home where she meets them at the door.

Since they usually get home around three, she has about an hour or so more to work before she logs off. During that hour or however long it takes her to finish work...her children know to keep their regberegbe ^* to themselves. No running around, no screaming, no coming to report this one did this, that one did that...because MOMMY IS WORKING!!!

Around 5, she comes out of the study and they do their "Mommy, mommy, oh my kiddies, I miss you, how was school, muah, muah". The only fundamental difference between this woman and the woman who goes to an actual office is that the former does not have to take a shower before getting to work (When she has to do a teleconference, she wears a nice top over her PJ bottoms, brushes her hair and puts on lip gloss )

So once again, let us do away with this illusion that whatever is home based is somehow better.

* The Regberegbe is my own words oh, the woman loves her kids so she would never refer to their regberegbes as Regberegbe.

In the ideal world this is would be ONE of the best scenarios.Best of both worlds.Both for you and the kids(i hate commuting only that its the only time am on my own ).Only thing is we DONT live in an ideal world.Not everyone has that luxury.

coogar: efe's point is quite distinct from mine.....
her post suggests a woman must work regardless.....child care or not, a woman must contribute her quota and i am saying its not necessary for her to work when the kids are still quite young. any sane husband should understand why a woman wants to put in shifts at home to nurture the kids. efe's argument is such women are lazy and they are leeches. how is our point the same? efe is chasing the fish, i am after the fisherman!

You know i think some women(myself included) just want something other than the title MUMMY.Believe me,no other job in the world means more to me than MUMMY.But it does get monotonous.Yeah i agree when the kids are young i.e pre school it might be a bit much,pre-schoolers are hard work.When they go to full time school, 5+ it might be boring to just sit at home twiddling your thumbs from 9-3.I do ger your point on spending quality time with the kids though.Very important.My best memories of my parents is not that they paid my sch fees but stuff we did together as a family.My mum earned more than my dad in the real sense of it cos she had always been doing side business even while working in a govt parastatal but she made sure she was there for us when we needed her.
As i still say whatever works for each couple.In this argument there can never be a correct or better side.