₦airaland Forum

[quote author=ileobatojo]A true psycho. Was it his upbringing that turned him into such a menace or was he born psycho?

[/quote which brings me to this question are psychos like this made or born?I know they have been various debates about nature vs nuture but as i said earlier there are often no one size fits all answers for questions like this eg a boy grows up seeing his father batter his mother grows up thinks its normal and does same to his wife.Or opposite used to even protect his mum and grows vowing to cherish all the women in his life.

@efe i so feel u on the being home is harder than work.I swear i almost cried at the thought of half term and having both babies at the same time .My hubby sef knows its hard with two kids under 5 so he is taking two days off next week to take 3and a half yr old off my hands thur fri.He appreciates it alot as he knows the kind of person i am.Back to the topic my point was just for us to not emphasise mostly on the financial aspect.I think its down to the individual.Some men may even tend to be worse abusers when not in financial control not just for the home but for themselves.A well rounded individual( dont want to keep saying man cos believe it or not we have female abusers and abuse is not always physical) will not bully yes abusers are bullies the other person due to an inadequacy.Spouses are meant to cover each others backs and as u said contributions in a home are not only financial.If two are working as one i dont think you should think your partner should dehumanised simply cos at that point you are the breadwinner.Its deeper.Me i am even more scared of a man who is down.Gosh have we not heard stories of the woman being even killed in fits of jealosusy and am wondering na wa o why were u waiting there when you can afford to leave

Been following this thread and have read all 12 pages of it.The general concensus seems to be there is a certain pattern and has been alluded to by alot of people financial depedence being one.I know it might not be a popular opinion but i think abusers come in diff modes.I have realised in this life that certain situations are just dynamic and abuse comes in diff forms.Not holding brief for abuse i detest abuse in alk forms be it parent tearing down a child self esteem wife tearing down husband psyche or husband battering a poor defenceless woman
I am also an advocate of every adult human being taking some sort of financial responsibiliy for themselves.I am on mat leace at the mo with my 2nd baby and am taking the full year off cos the cost of childcare in my area is killing.While at home nursing a baby have looked inwards to look for ways to make money even though am still gettin paid a mat allowance.I know am going back to work part time till my baby goes to reception and prob will have nothing left from my wages but i just need to work for my own sanity.i will literalily have depression if i have to ask my hubby for every 5 pounds to give my mother.sorry for the long story its just to buttress the fact that am not making excuses for women who dont work.But i think an abuser is an abuser full stop.An aunt of mine can buy her husband.not buy as in buy just trying to say how wealthy she is compared to the man.For all the years they jave been married no one knew who had the money and she had to open to us when she could not take it anymore.She was so submissive did all her best for no one to know she was the one with the financial power.But the man used every opportunity to belittle her.Lil barbs like you think you can control me with ur money for the most lil arguments all couples have.She endured so people wont say she was proud.The man was bitter envious and just downright a little person.This was for 14yrs.She finally had enough last yr and filed for divorce he is fighting her for half of her wealth in the courts.As someone said abuse is psycological and takes diff forms .I know financial depedence adds to it but pls as ftmom said a man who is a good man will not abuse whether or not he pays the bills.Some women esp in the western world due to high childcare costs take time off formal employment to care for the kids.I personally cannot do it but we should be careful not to kind of make them feel bad for taking that role.That said i still feel while at home one can look for ways to generate some income no matter how lil.Dependence on another human being in full is not ideal.

Sorry for the format of my post.typed on my phone.

Hello all this topic occured to me while talking to a teenage daughter of an aunt of mine.This got me thinking of when i was a teenager.I feel this girl feels she could talk to me more as it seems i can still remember what it feels like to be a teenager .It really just reminded me of myself and my mum.I went to a top secondary sch in lagos then that had kids from mostly educated proffessional class ranging to kids from very very wealthy homes.My parents were not rich but were of those ilk that thought or rather still think education is the best inheritance.I love them to bits and it really hurts that my dad is no more cos i really love them more that i am now a parent.sorry for my rambling.anyways back to the topic i was a relatively good teenager academic well mannered etc but looking back i realise that i peer pressure was very present in my formative yrs.My parents were very good at making you believe in yourself but still i felt i needed to belong , be a bubbler(a certain age who went to certain sec schls will know what i mean).I wanted the cool stuff which my parents could not always afford and then i felt God personally sent my mum to make me uncool with her rules' no weavon till u pass waec' No parties no sleep overs at friends that have bros.this lesson that lesson teacher.endless i tell you but i so feel them now.despite this i still worried about what my peers thought.i think it was just a character flaw.i think some or most kids are like that.my husband on other hand was and is still one of those people not easily influenced by peers.He told me he never tried smoking in sec shl even thougg most of his friends smoked.He said he just felt it looked stupid abd smelt awful.He says he did not have sex when all his peers did.When we met his flatmate was mt credit card scammer of the yr.That one used to tease him that you that are even british jeki a gba awon oyinbo yii.He moved out.He still talks to the guy but they all know not to talk about those things with him.He does not care if Mr A have a 16 pool house.He just does his own thing.I am much more matured now and tend not to worry what people think but once in a while if i see friends prob doing better i wonder what am doing wrong.He is not even as churchy as me but feels his race not anothers.I admire him alot for this but i think its just his personality.So my question to those parents with teenagers(mine are still under five)Do u think its a personality thing or can it be worked on as a parent not to succumb to peer pressure.

Hello all been a while i posted on NL.The reason for this question was a conversation i had with an aunt in Nigeria this evening.I used to be a spendthrift(much to my hubby'sdispleasure) and after having him bail me out a couple of times i made up my mind this year to put myself a strict budget and as i read somewhere 'not buy things i dont need andcant afford to impress people i dont even like'
I save more now and try to just not be a consumer but look for ways to make my money make more money. Now when i pick up something i think do i really need this? Not that i dont treat myself once in a while.To cut my long story short this aunty does not work but hubby had a really good job.He has hit some hard times in the last couple of months as he lost his job.Me and my siblings have helped several times so far. The call really anoyyed me cos she wanted me to give her money to pay her driver. I dont even have a car to myself cos we cant afford it.I tried to explain to her that am on mat leave(just had a baby) so on a reduced income with the same or even more outgoings and all she could say was if london does not pay you wont you come home(this was said in yoruba for those who are yoruba you know how it would have sounded).

All cos my mum told her that am on a strict budget cos my mum just left and i only bought things within my budget.She gave mum this ridiculous list of things to buy for her and her kids.In the past my mum would have like 3 boxes full with loads of gifts all paid for by me.This time i said' mum no more its just plain ridiculous you came thrice last year and i keep buying gifts for everyone.I have two kids now and if i buy something for someone kids that is ok afterall its the thought that matters'.My mum thankfully backed me up but am just riled up at the cheek of it.sorry for my epistle.

Why cant people just face up to what they can afford?Is driver a must?My mother no longer has a driver as i suggested this year that she does not need it she was paying him 30k to take her to the shop park sleep and go home when she is still physically able to drive that is 360k in a year not to mention 3 shopgirls , 2housegirl and am like does your business even pay for all this its different if you cant drive or are ill.She saw my point and let the driver go.She even parks her car in another aunty house in and takes the BRT to the shop and she says she feels healthier sef cos that is the only form of exercise she gets.So my question is why do we feel being on a budget means you are poor or struggling?Cant i choose to be more savvy on how i spend MY OWN money?

@ Mr Milehigh
I am sorry if my comment sounded like i was being insensitive
what i was trying to say was that some poor peple (probably not in Nigeria) borrow money to give their children what i would not necessarily count as necessities so as not to allow their children feel left out from some stupid commercial trumped up traditions like Christmas(am a a christian and christmas is not just about gifts).

You should see how kids in the west demand one toy or game and their kids will be queing at argos(for what now ) even if they cannot afford it

OP has certainly not watched My super Sweet 16   .(that programe makes me sick).

I so agree with the poster on alot of levels but i think this is  not necessarily not  a nigerian parents issue. I thinkl it deals with parents from all over the world wanting to make sure they satisfy all their children's wants(not needs). And bite my head off if you want but POOR people are as guilty as well. I think its just down to the individual to be rational as a parent. I watched one documentary on Channel 4 (cant remember the name but it was one of this welfare poor people things)a woman that was on benefits borrowed a £1,500 to buy christmas gifts for her kids .She bought her son a game worth £200 plus.And you tell  me rich Nigerians set up their kids for falls later in life.I think  fault parenting is prevalent in all the classes as at least the rich can afford it?What values is a parent imparting to borrow to get Gifts at christmas?

Tollu at the 'this woman needs to get laid', this was the most common phrase used for one of my single 40 something year old managers and if i must be honest i know that woman's own was .

I agee that most women tend to carry around their personal baggage and as you rightly said sometimes maybe taking time off work to clear one's head might be the answer.But can you imagine telling a nigerian employer'I need time off work cos i am depressed and stressed'

Mental health issues are quite real and often times manifest in women as men are more able to conceal their emotions.There was this lady here in my office who had to take off like 3 weeks to deal with issues as she was going through a really messy divorce, she was a mess and could obviously not have been a productive member of staff at that time.My manager was quite understanding and she was signed off as sick for that period.But even taking sick days(when you are genuinely ill as i know some people do call in sick to skive off) is something that you are scared to do in Naija work enviroment talkless of saying i cant come in to work cos i am depressed (i can imagine the look on one of my then unit head's face when you say this ).

All in all, i agree that women have issues but i still believe that it is an unfair generalissation to say most women are better as wives not colleagues(haba so why bother educating girls?)

I just had to comment on this but i really think this is an unfair and stereotypical generalisation.Alot of people bang on about how they suffered under female bosses but i can say that in the best bosses(or rather managers) i have had in my proffessional working life are women.I have really rude obnoxious, bossy unproffesional MALE bosses(including the one who decided to pick on and intimidate me by transfering me to VI from Ikeja as soon as i told him i was engaged ).That man was a real **s .I have had the one who was toasting one girl in my team and created a phoney role for the airhead, so dont please dont let me even start.

I really think it boils down to the individual and to be fair women tend to be more emotional and sentimental than men but i still think to say women are better as wives and Friends and not colleagues is just as bad as saying most(see i did not say all) Male bosses want to sleep with their young female subordinates.Its a sweeping generalisation.

I never, and i mean never take my home or personal issues to work ,same way i leave work at the door as soon as i get home.I have learnt to seperate the two and probably working in a highly proffesional enviroment aids that.I know i am paid to do a job at work and at home i am a mother, wife, daughter , friend and sister.

Hello Mummies

My lil one has a pirates and princesses party this weekend(all this theme party wahala sef she hasa football one next weekend i dont know whey we cant just wear our own clothes and chop rice). I have looked in most of the high street stores and cant seeem to find something princessy(is that even english ).She has ball gowns obviously but i just think they dont tie into the fun dress up effect.So can anyone suggest where i can get a princess outfit for a 2 yr old(at an affordable rate as well will not spend £80 on a costume).
Or should i just blag it and wear the ball gown for the girl sef and look for one shiny tiara type thing to put on her head?
Her father has even suggested we dont play into gender stereotypes and dress her up as a pirate
what do you think?suggestions welcome.

Hello Mummies

My lil one has a pirates and princesses party this weekend(all this theme party wahala sef she hasa football one next weekend i dont know whey we cant just wear our own clothes and chop rice). I have looked in most of the high street stores and cant seeem to find something princessy(is that even english ).She has ball gowns obviously but i just think they dont tie into the fun dress up effect.So can anyone suggest where i can get a princess outfit for a 2 yr old(at an affordable rate as well will not spend £80 on a costume).
Or should i just blag it and wear the ball gown for the girl sef and look for one shiny tiara type thing to put on her head?
Her father has even suggested we dont play into gender stereotypes and dress her up as a pirate
what do you think?suggestions welcome.

hello everyone,

This is just to ask from some advise from all the mothers in the house with older kids.My LO is 19 months old and in the last couple of weeks i have noticed that she has started hitting or sometimes even biting when she does not seem to get her way. My typical Nigerian instinct and advise i have gotten from my older relatives is to always hit her when she does it but i have been thinking to myself,is hitting her not reinforcing that hitting is away to get things done?I have tried time outs and naughty chair and making her sorry to mama or dada or whoever she hits thereby making her see that there are consequences for being naughty(this is the method also used at nursery).She does say sorry but still keeps hittting when she is upset.I have read so many articles on this and they have said it partly is because her communication skills are still developing and she gets frustrated that we cannot understand her point.This still does not make me feel any better as i feel that we need to do something about this and not just hope that she outgrows this.Practical suggestions that have helped in the past are welcome.

So soory i have not come back since posting the topic have been so busy and cant seem to get the hang of NL on my phone.
@ CC i so understand what you mean as if i was not sure of my relationship the way the woman talks i would start acting up towards hubby as her suggesstions are so extreme.Its not like i even asked for advise( i never ever discuss our finances with anyone not even my mother), i was just joking that my LO is such a drama queen when sees me and her dad and is such an angel at nursery.And as you said not all people can afford to live on just one wage.Her hubby is all this macho men who do not want their wife to contribute 1p to the family upkeep and she believes all men should be like that .Someone that advised her friend that she should allow her daughter stay at home for 3 weeks even though she(the friend) had thebalance of the school fees saying that the woman should never pay school fees.She has some good points like saying a woman should not want what her husband cannot afford(as so many women tend to take over the home as soon as they can afford something and sometimes disregard their husbands in the process)but not contributing even 1 penny to the family's financesn o matter what ,na wa .And she means it o,if she buys something worth 50 naira in the house, her hubby gives it back to her.But that is their home and marriage so guess it works for them.

Hello everyone ,its me again and my question and posers but me i am always having discussions about life issues and i think posting them on nairaland is a sort of survey for me so i apologise .

I was having this discussion or should i call it argument with my hubby's cousin's wife who came visiting from Nigeria last week.Her hubby is very rich( and by rich i mean very for those of you in the uk someone who can afford to send a child to Malvern St James for A levels as well as buy a house in the heart of london for the wife to stay with the child).She was kinda having a go at me for working,when i say having a go she was kind of saying that she does not understand why i put my lil one in a nursery(my LO is 18 months old) and that she was too young.We then ended up having an argument as she feels that a mother's role is to stay and nurture a child till the child is old enough to take care of itself and then the roles reverse when the parent or mother in this case is old and can no longer take care of themselves.She believes that the reason a lot of us try to work is because we are imbibing western ideas and so do not want to rely on ur kids in our old age.She also went ahead to tell me statistics and stuff like studies show that kids are more confident if they know their mom is waiting at home for them from school or is coming to pick them up(total crap )I do get where she is coming from but does that mean the mom cannot work,she might have to work round having to be there in the afternoonsn and being there for her child when they need them the most, i do that, my sis in law does that and so many other moms i know do that.

I did not agree with her one bit as her logic simply means a mother giving up everything else to be a mother and then waiting for the child to reciprocate in the future.Why should anyone give up their life for another?When i went back to work after my maternity leave, i took a paycut and reduction in hrs in other to spend time with my hubby and child and my manager knows not to ask me for overtime.I get her point of a child should be a parent's priority as so many parents esp in the west spend so much time working and making money at the neglect of the kids welfare.So i subscribe to a robust work life balance.She believes that if a working mother achieves 80% success raising a child she would have gotten 98% if not working .(crap again ).There is no one size fits all for parenting and we have kids of stay-at- home moms who turn out crap and kids of working moms who turn out crap so its relative.Dont orphans turn out sucessful?Also some people cant afford to stay at home is what i told her(ok for her to say when her hubby is loaded) .

So let me stop here and see what you guys think?

@chaircover that Asli rice is the best rice in the market biko,my hubby now finds it difficult to eat any other rice.

Hello office

Been a hectic last few weeks,i am feeling so drained and its just the begginning of the year. ,had to take on extra tasks and burdens as we have had two resignation in 3 weeks,the whole thing is really doing my head in.
I sha hope they deliberate on this bonus thing fast fast jere cos we smashed all our targets despite the tough financial climate,i al(i know i like money but don't blame me blame the ijebu blood flowing in my veins ).Omo girl has plenty of things to do with money.

As an aside is there anyone who has taken or is taking CII exams,seems there are loads of so many other thread on other proffessional exams but cant seem to find one for it,guess i should start one myself.I think it might be the fact that the CII though international has a different syllabus than the CIIN .Also does anyone know the pay levels in the nigerian insurance industry at the moment. When i was in Nigeria i knew just Leadway Assurance and maybe Aiico had fairly decent pay levels,the other were mostly appalling.I guess its due to the fact that Nigerian Insurance industry is not as competitive or vibrant as it is here in the UK but i have to be thinking of the future as one can never know(but one should really be looking at the entrepreneurial side of things by then by God's grace)

@chaircover abi o i forgot to add those ones ,u know us and our craze for certifcations,You know i have this oyinbo colleague  in HR who once asked me why we nigerians are so obsessed with qualifcations as he is always seeing CV's wuth my type of name who have so many certifications which sometimes sef does not relate to their work experience or the job they are applying for.Me i just said to her,we are academic high achievers(tongue in cheek as i know most of us get those pali to join the bandwagon).

Back to the topic,this issue came up as he wanted to loan some money from Hubby to go to amsterdam from Hubby as he did not want to ask his wife who i am sure by now is tired of footing expenses to go for so many interviews.Me i know my hubby is bluntly honest and so i can imagine how he must have told him about trying to look inwards in case the amsterdam thing does not work out.I kinda understand what you guys are saying about a man having to fend for his family no matter what,but i also understand in a way how the man feels,i remember when i came to this country, i did not have a job for about 7 months and so may people kept on telling you need to get a cleaning job or do care training(not that there is anything worng with this)but i just felt i could do better and so spent that time trying to brush up my marketable skills.I guess it helped that we had no kids then and hubby kept on telling me to take my time on the job front as he felt i needed a break as i was a workaholic back home ( you wont believe that i stopped work on friday and travelled on sunday morning despite people telling me they dont get why i am still going to the office).
So i guess you are all right, he needs to suck it in and face it like a man.

I guess i really should not just be saying for the men as this should be a question for parents or lets just say people with dependant but in this instance its really a case of a man who is at the moment not able to provide for his family.My husband was talking to me about a friend of his who he thinks is just fundamentally lazy,rigid and not proactoive.This friend was a practising project manager and has all those naija(esp yoruba men,no insult intended as i am yoruba and i am also married to one)accompaniments,i.e Bsc,MBA,PMP,Price2,Prince 50 and the rest .He was earning quite alot of money but as we know the more you earn,the more your tastes increases and so him and his family had acquired a certain standard of living which unfortunately could not be sustained when he lost his Job in 2009 during the height of the recession.His wife was thankfully also working but parttime with an income that was just something that came in but was not really needed.

My husband's issue with him(which i dont really agree with)is this;he has still not found a job and unfortunately have spent the little they have in savings and with his wife's income not what they are used to,are having quite some problems meeting even their basic needs.He has gone for so many interviews and filled so many job applications relating to his qualications with no luck.He thus spends most of his time sleeping,wathching movies or browsing the internet when the kids are at school,so my husband has advised him why not try to do something that is not necessarily project management or try to look for things to do to make you busy and earn at least some money to contribute to the family finances i.e looing into selling or just generally research into ways to make that is necessarily not project management.We have a family friend that is an accontant but after searching for a job for ages now makes money as a painter and decorator and believe he started from charging 40 pounds to paint people's front rooms,he now has 2 staff .My husband drew this analogy and this his friend got angry,telling him that how can he tell him to be a painter,with all his qualifcations.My husband then reminded him that he(this friend)told him that his wife now snaps alot and complains that he sleeps too much,My hubby advised that he kind of sees her point as the poor woman would go to work and still come back to met him on the bed sleeping,the guy then flips and says that his wife is so ungrateful and she can now complain as there were no issues when he was the one earning the money.My hubby thinks he is just rigid but i can kind of see his point,why waste his time to get all those certificates if he was just going to be an elctician,like WTH but my hubby thinks his kids cant eat the certifictaes and he needs to do something fast to support his family.so my question is this can you lower your standards in order to provide for your family?

@CC thank you so much for this post,i have learnt so much.MyLO is16 months old and even the poof poof sef is war.Ever since she started walking once she sees me approaching with the comb,she flies off.Her hair is quite long for her age and so the poof poof now gets so rough fast am talking like in 2 to 3 days. I also am not a fan of chemicals on kids and so i have been dreading the next couple of years cos me am not that patient and i doubt any hairdresser in this uk has time for my LO hair sopa operas.And the father instead of encouraging me will be saying that i am punishing his princess as if she would not thank me in the future when she has healthy,I was tempted to chop the whole thing off sef.But this thread has given me necessary tips though i already use olive oil and shea butter.

Going out of town to spend christmas with family(thats if the nasty weather allows ,seen some kind forecasts suggesting that we might be frozen over again next week ).So have a couple of days left for christmas shopping,which brings me to the question,i got one kain oyinbo guy( barely chat at all except for work related sturvs) to be the person to get a gift in the team secret santa(this is when we have like a kind of draw in which we all pick the names of who we are going to buy christmas gifts) and i am really in a fix on what to get him.What do you guys suggest?I am thinking of taking the easy way out by getting a bottle of something strong cos i know oyinbo peeps can like to drink(but as a christian is that not encouraging drinking )

as we are unable to nominate oga moderator my vote would go to Netotse(just read the rules and dont want to be typical nigerian that i am by flouting the rules and voting for ten people )
Reasons being i find his posts highly insightful and often not only about his field(which if i am correct is engineering),i also think he does not take himself too seriously(i could also say the same for TKB417 but sorry mate i can't vote twice ).I also admire the fact that all these can be said for someone who is a nigerian university graduate( like myself shame on all of you that discriminate against us t_{here is a long story to thats bias}) and just finished his NYSC.

Oga moderator can we do multiple answers as me i have more than one best career section poster,so in order of prefrence here they are

1.Ajanlekoko
2.Debosky
3.Netotse

and Moi ,just joking me that i am a part time poster.

@my office we are all getting ready for end of year PDR(performance development reviews) in which you and your boss look at your performance throughout the year and also set objectives and targets for the year ahead,Its also a time when your performance is adjudged worthy of a bonus (which is my own best part of the discusssion),Its a terribly boring 1 to 2 hrs where you present to your boss 'how you have lived the values'(its one thing like that they keep chanting in my office which sometimes can be quite annoying), how you have met and exceeded set targets and what you expect from your career in the coming year and the long term.Its nerve racking jare as you get so strung up on what the manager is going to score you.I am not as strung up as my colleagues sha as i have only been around for 6 months after coming back from maternity leave and so far have been able to exceed all targets set in the last couple of months(with plenty of evidence ) so fingers crossed lets see how it goes,besides my Boss sef is new(started the same day i got back from Mat leave) so its all well and good.

ooooh no, Now i am sooo scared, fly tonight with them tonight from heathrow,and my hubby warned me o,see what luggage loving has caused for me.You should have seen me arguing with my husband,telling him off for having a bias against Nigerian run companies.Was also swayed with the fact that i have relatives who have had nasty experiences with both BA and Virgin Atlantic in the last few months so i just deduced that most airlines had bad days and so with faith and patriotism decided to go with arik even at the cost of extra airmiles.Chei.

My Lord and My God its too late to rebook but i put thee in charge of my child and self tonight.

debosky:
It's another season of reorganisation. . . . .people never get tired of re-jigging things every 6 months.

Printing organisational charts must be a lucrative business in companies like this, just wait a while and someone will decide he wants to put his stamp as a top manager (aka someone who needs to do something to justify his pay. even if it's pointless ).

Same crap different day I guess.

You know this same thought was going on in my head this week, its so annoying after getting used to one organistaional chart another 'bigwig' just cooks something so complicated which as soon as you understand gets changed again,My own thinking with the latest organisational chart is that they want us to jump through more hoops to get the neglible pay rise or bonus(our own tashere on top the millions of pounds they pay themselves ).All's well sha,me thinks the current economic climate makes everyone needing to make themselves look relevant.
*Fingers crossed* the new organistaional charts might even pay yours truly.

netotse:

to think i was just coming to the thread to holler at you, i bin wan beg you and tkb make una have mercy on the naira. . .it's not fair o, at least make boys begin dey earn better money before una totally destabilize the thing now. . .

as per the maternity leave. . .what if you move to the UK where maternity is much more(cant rem what it is now. . .) or germany sef, where i hear the leave is unholy, i think there's even a bill in the works that increases the maternity leave duration to something like 6months sef. . .

il help you netotse its 9 months paid and you have the option to take up to a year,the last 3 months unpaid,though the full pay varies (in my office its the first 13 weeks) but the last 26 weeks are SMP(statutory maternity pay).
@diggler
so are you saying women of child bearing age should sit their asses at home ?(your words).Even if she gives her best and is competent at what she does(cos i know i am a valued member of my team despite the fact that i just got back from maternity leave)

Why must naija always be mentioned in the same sentence as dodgy ?kilode gan?anyways i already know that i cant stand stuart.(reminds me of one of my mangers who i can't stand ) and why is it always the young ones that are so cocky?And what's with all the annoying cliches;
'Everything i touch turns to sold'
'My first word was'nt mommy it was money'WTH

Aww bless this pictures have really lifted my mood, i so haaaaaaaaaaate winter cos its so depressing,dull,grey,murky,somber,cold(need i go on?).I was on maternity leave last winter and i remember chuckling and going back under the duvet when my hubby was on his way to work. .Awwwwwwwww sighs .wish i could do that this yr.Anyways ,i have 3 weeks in sunny las gidi to look forward to.

Interesting observations by everyone which have been well noted,But as someone else said(outside of the context of my situation)the extended family network in our society really has a very important role to play in the absence of a regular and formal social care network.From the feel of most of the other posters,there seems to be a change especially in our generation to be nuclear family oriented,is there not the danger that in the future our kids would start marrying their distant cousins esp if they have never met and in some cases do not even know that they are related.As i said earlier i understand where my hubby is coming from but in general dont you all think that the death of the extended family is the death of an important part of our culture?

chamber2:
So y is he objecting to your having good ties with urs? The truth is that no one can function in isolation .Despite having to help out members of your xtended family in need I see no bad thing about it.In as much as God is providing for u and your family and has blessed u, y not lend a helping hand?Having pple to come around u and who appreciate your existence is also very important.

@ bolded he is not aaginst me having a relationship with my family,he sees my mom as his as he does not have a mom but as you might have deduced from my post,he is not into distant relatives or people who are not really close to you but just think due to being related have a right to things from you.I see his point in a way because as his sister says when their mom died,they hardly saw anyone  and now one aunty who they have not seen in 15 yrs just gets their number from someone and then calls from heathrow and says i will be staying with you for four weeks.Its strange to them but not to me.

Hey everyone,the idea for this topic occurred to me as me and my husband were having a conversation yesterday and it occurred to me that we both have such different perspectives on the family unit.For you to understand il just break down the kind of background that both of us come from.My husband was born in britain and he has two siblings.Their parents were very very nuclear and they only interacted with their first cousins and some very few memebers of their extended family.He lost both parents at a very early age and so his elder sister was responsible for taking of him and his elder brother.They get on well with their cousins and all but i have noticed that they are not too comfortable with distant relations.They dont even know alot of them.

At our wedding,my family outnumbered theirs like 8 to 1.Now my family is verrrrrrrrry extended( which sometimes  annoyed me when growing up ).We always had one relative or the other  living with us when growing up.I think i have mentioned in one thread how i had numerous grandmas,They really were not my biological grandmothers but were just elderly women in the family,my grandparents siblings or cousins.My mom and Dad are both first children and so were given added responsibilties at the very begginng of their marriage.It was quite alot on them esp my mum and to be honest half of this people today are not even grateful for the sacrifices that they made at such a young age.We had one cousin living with us that was going to the same private school as my younger sister and my parents sometimes struggled to with the fees and knew if any suggestions was made to take the cousin out it would have misinterpreted.So we the kids forefeited loads of luxuries esp if they could not afford it for all the hordes of people living with us at the time so as not to create animosity or the feeling that we the children were better.

To cut the long story short,my hubby believes that his nuclear family being us,me,him and our kids are the first priority,then others are secondary.I on ther hand believe that yes my family is first but that the extended is also important.Dont get me wrong he is close to his siblings and is quite a good uncle but he is of the impression that carrying extended family wahala on your head makes it quite difficult for you and is like giving yourself so much pressure.The argument generated cos i am travelling to nigeria in a month and he thinks i am wasting money by trying to buy things for so many people.My rationale is  i would feel bad if i see some people and not give them anything and his thinking is do you need to see them?But i will cos i know my mom,i know she's always habouring one person or the other.He also is not too down with one random aunty calling from heathrow saying she wants to stay with us,i have seen him do it to his family,he will say no.Me i know that one random aunty will call one day(not done so yet) and it might cause wahala cos i know he will say no especially if its one of my aunties he has not met or thinks we(my family) are not close to.Me i find it difficult to say no and might not sleep for weeks thinking i turned away someone i am even remotely related to away from my house(its just the way i was brought up)

So this leads me to ask what are the advantages and disadvantages of being nuclear or extended in the family?

@chaircover
thank u so much,i think il trty that tactic whenever she mentions it,she probably will tomorow as tomorow is my daughter's birthday.I just thank God for keeping her,making her healthy and happy,saw a baby the other day with different wires and one cylinder in his buggy,is that what il now start complaining that my baby has not walked at 12 months,sometimes we tend to forget that we are just caretakers and only God keeps them for us.Me i have decided to hand her and all my unborn children to God to keep for me cos i know that i am not capable on my own.