₦airaland Forum

ifyalways: The title get as e be for my eye.Who is mentally unstable na?The pesin wey dey keep malice/hate unnecessarily or the one at the receiving end ?
Is there anything like world peace day Are we making peace now cos we want peace or we are trying to avoid running crazy one day cos of over bile ie choking on haterode.

Ok,question;whats the relationship btw hate/enmity and mental health ?educate me @OP

I think its the latter,alot of people store so much hate and negativity in them and though am not a medical practioner i dont think that good for your mental health.Another point of view could be reaching out to someone might just be what might keep them from slipping into a dark place.

I have had conversations with people and at the end the person says i feel so much better,all i needed was someone to talk to and also listen to me.Me and my husband were still talking just yesterday about how our comnunal living in Nigeria made it difficult for shrinks or psycologists to sell. .

Believe its so easy to slip ineo depression in this obodo oyinbo.

I can truthfully say there is no human being i hold a grudge against in this world.

But will call my friends and cousins i keep promising to call and never get round to.

Thanks for the awareness jidegirl .Most times alot of people are just one conversation or kind word away from a nervous breakdown.

ifyalways: There is NO such thing as a perfect marriage but there are horrible marriages,on and off line,IMO.
When you are in a horrible marriage/relationship,you'll find it hard to believe that one can actually enjoy a good marriage. There is no perfect marriage cos there is no perfect individual.
A good marriage is one that acknowledges there are imperfections and is able to work out through bad times.
Perfection is relative so at the end of the day, my marriage is perfect for me and does not have to be perfect in the eyes of others.

GBAM.My take on the issue exactly so no need for long typing.

Pancake day special.drizzled with honey and topped with fruits

Oh dear I really should stop skimming when i read. Went back to properly read and just saw the text part.

He sent a text. .Naaaaa.Not nice at all.Not that he should say it as well just with messaging i think all adults should pause before pressing the send button.I just assumed it was during an argument when you say like why are u acting like an I-diot(i once said that to my husband and i really meant it as a question,he did not ).
He started it so he should endure if he really loves her.

Ujujoan: I'm glad you were at least truthful enough to admit that.
As we make our beds, so we lie on it.
If the lady starts accepting words like that at this stage, she's making herself vulnerable to repetition in future.
I dont care what other couples do . . . I'm just glad you admitted you can't do same.
Of course, this is Nigeria. There are a lot of dysfunctional relationships people see as the norm . . . I just wont like to be part of that!
So no, I'm not going to just lay back and take such word from my spouse.
I wont divorce him, no. But if months of snobbing is what it will take to ensure it NEVER happens again, then so be it.

Thats why i said PROBABLY not DEFINITELY.I would evaluate the whole relationship,the person and the context in which the words were spoken.To some people why are you now acting like an i-diot is actually being called an i-diot and to some ppl its a question,if you feel you are not acting like one then you are not.
My thoughts were not to justify the posters actions or words but just highlight that it might not and does not necessarily mean the end of their relationship or any other for that matter.

Anger is a powerful emotion that needs to be checked cos alot of things are said and done that end up being regretted.

Ujujoan: I'm glad you see why the 1-diot is causing so much problem . .
We all say things we don't mean. But 'i-diot' That's waaaay overboard!
Only someone who has no atom of respect for h/her partner will use a word like that.

Yeah not a nice word at all and i probably would break up with any BF who called me that when courting.Fool,retard, not words i use on anyone not anyone talkless of my partner.

My own thoughts though and why i wote that is that sometimes on NL i notice its like advise on relationships can be a tad bit too nearing perfection.Nigerians abuse people alot and i know couples who have called each other fool.Again not my choice of word and i might not be able to take it but to some people its no water off their back.Call her fool she will say your a bigger fool and some other choice cuss words.Next day they are fine.I think to myself which kain ppl be this?But i am learning everyday to sometimes respect that every two individuals might be diff and the dynamics of relationships differ.Thats all.
P.S Not excusing the OP use of words that was not nice.

Most of the article is soooo true about the Nigerian social system.I think though that in all societies and even in the west today the gap between the have and have-nots keep expanding.I am an avid fan of BBC 4 cos of their documentaries and one i watched stated that social mobility is at its lowest in Britain for the last 50 years.Same thing in most countries that practise some sort of Capitalism.In short being poor is not a very nice place for anyone anywhere.

The article though touches on the Nigerian part which i too have always been uncomfortable with and i think it just stems from our competitive nature as a people.Most Nigerians daresay I only feel validated as a person if they feel they are better than their neighbour.And this is not even just among the rich and the middle class even poor people sef are like that.Hence the name i beta pass my neighbour for that small gen .Its just constant from when you are born to always excel and be better than the next person.Thats not a bad thing in itself as that spirit makes us highly ambitious or high achievers.

BUT its just the individualism that sometimes gets at me.I dont care if everyone around me dies as long as me and my family are fine or see our own to chop i dont care.Even relatives treat the poorer ones as sub humans.We had househelps too growing up and treated them very well too.But as much as we did they still knew and acted like they were inferior from just simple things like speaking english.The kind of english you speak is one class barrier in Naija o(funny enough i think we got that from our colonial mother Britain so class conscious geez).

All in all though its horrible being poor anyway but in Nigeria and most 3rd world countries,you are simply less than a human being

If you are truly sorry and know deep in your mind that you love her,as most people have said taking a trip down to see her might seem the way to go.I was in long distance relationship too its very hard(and expensive if i may add all those plane tickets ) BUT we are now married today.Communication is the most important part of such a relationship though so try to keep communicating without the hurtful words.

On a side note though maybe topic for another thread,i dont think its possible to be in a relationship and not one or the other have said what hurts the other person? It might something as mundane as why are u so headstrong madam always right or Uv definitely got issues.I know esp in the first year of marriage(not idiot o)that i said some things i now regret and hubby forgave me.As much as we wont tolerate abuse,is not unrealistic to expect NEVER to say words that might hurt your partner?


P.S am not condoning verbal abuse,am not naturally quick tongued BUT i do know that humans are fallible and we flip sometimes. Heck my mother who i know loves me more than life itself called me idiot(not nice and wont do the same to my kids) a coupla times.I am different from her though and she apologised for her outburts later.I know like Jidegirl this might seem controversial but its true.Nigerians are by nature sharp tongued

fellis: Really? Preferring to sleep with members of the same sex is normal in your opinion?


Cognitive dissonance at its best.

So all heteros3xual people are normal if we want to start using who you want to sleep with to define 'normalcy'?Being classed as normal is a relative term and what might seem normal to me might not be normal to Mr Smith down the road. .This guy was a normal guy next door only BUT being he was gay.

I dont like arguing or forcing my opinions on people so can i just state that my post was my opinion.And opinions tend to vary.

fellis: Gay people are abnormal.

On the contrary alot of gay people are as normal as you and me.Dont get me wrong i am not in support of same gender marriage as i feel marriage is btw a man and a woman.As Jesus would want lets hate the sin and not sinner.I used to shudder in disgust at the thought of a person being gay but i am learning to disassociate s3xual prefrence from the person.

BUT i think cos we (africans) dont know alot of people who are openly gay we have pre concieved ideas on how gay people should be.The nicest person i havd ever worked with was a gay guy.I did not even know that he was gay cos he was not camp at all.Very nice guy.Really genuine.It was only when we were talking about relationship and he used HE for his partner did i suss it out.

I dont work with him anymore but i sincerely cannot hate or dislike him based on just his being gay.Yeah i wish he was not but like me there are so many other aspects to his personality than his s3xual prefrence.As a christian i dont think God made people gay but hey ho why should i hate or condemn the gay person more than the adulterer,slanderer,murderer,thief etc.Who even made me judge sef?

Lets embrace love as the greatest commandment.Not saying we should allow sinners continue in the sin,BUT lets not pick and choose what sin is greater.All sin is sin simple.

Am so happy
Btw my lil victor moses is def playing for Naija

I am soooo proud to be Naija now .I wish i was in Lagos right now though,the atmoshphere here too dull jor .

Sports has great power o,tonight reminds me of the unity of the brits when Mo Farah and Jessica Ennis won gold medals at London 2012.

UP Super Eagles,Up Naija

baby_123: What you wrote is for older kids. These ones are too young. Boundaries should be in place, and its up to parents to teach them as early as possible how to react to certain situations they may find themselves. They don't know what is going on, until it happens. Most of these kids after playing these games never forget, and may go on to be taunted by their abusers when they get older for having sex with the whole class. Most kids abused never talk about the matter anyway. A little girl is too young to even be allowed to think about boyfriend and girlfriend. It should not be encouraged.
I don't want to hear boyfriend till my kids are 17.

I know of a story a 7yr old had a breakup with her boyfriend, she went to stand outside of his house in his favorite outfit on her, crying. Like WTF?! That is too much, too soon.

Uhmm very disturbing.I hated Boys at 7,i thought they were annoying.7,i am just picturi g my Niece crying for a guy.WTH is that?Na me go use pankere chase her home.Very embarassing.I know lil girls take friendship seriously but the outrageous part is the favourite outfit.

There was one thread on the FP a couple of weeks ago about Nigerians not liking disclosure.I made the same comment about pregnancy.I just guess cos its cos we are superstitous people.We think people are out to get us and you know how we are about fertility so i guess thats why it has to be kept close to the chest.
I remember my mum giving me dagger looks when i was telling my zimbabwean friend that my due date is next week lets hope he pops out shortly after .Am like mum abeg EDD is what it is its an estimate so please she is not going to jazz the labour room at St Thomas hospital.See her wanting to know where the placenta was going .I said mummy my midwife is oyinbo so its clinical waste.Am sure if she was black she wouldve wanted to collect it .Geez.

Its the same bewildrement i get when my friends in Nigeria have babies through CS and are begging you pls dont tell anyone o.Its only you i told. .I get you dont need to broadcast it but does it really matter how baby was born or that mummy and baby are fine?Its seen like one taboo.A friend almost died cos her mum kept binding CS spirit.

Why is that on NL a person who advocates for a woman to have self-esteem=Feminist

Sooo true.A saying goes thus Alot of people buy stuff they cant afford and dont need just to impress people they dont like.
I was a spendhrift and always buying clothes shoes etc until hubby told t me this has to stop.Transferred my credit cards to a 0% interest card and made sure i paid off all my debt in 2 years.I always moaned about it to him cos he was so strict about it.But today am glad i did.Its annoying sometimes though but as he says if you have to buy something frivolous on a credit card and you cant pay for it in full in two months at the maximum,you are living above your means.Simply means you cant afgord it

To me abuse is doing what could physically,emotionally or psycologically scar/hurt the other party.And no gender has monopoly of this.

The reason that alot of the times its the physical abuse that is often flagged up is cos its visible.Psycological or emotional abuse is often as harmful but also comes with grey areas.and might not be visible.

That said the mind part of abuse is subjective.
To person A her hubby using an aggressive or raised voice to express displeasure might be termed as abuse by person B but to person A him not talking to her for a week might be more emotional torture or abuse which person B is ok with.

I dont get the long epistles as Vikin was not even the one who said her doctor sister married a loser .I dont get how we all cant have differing opinions without picking on one another.
@Jidegirl hello sis how family
Of course all daddies asked that,my own dad even told me(not him o)its better for us to push the wedding till when he finished his programme then at University of Manchester.And we did for one year. My mum too hated all the i do business types so i get what other posters are saying.All i am saying is it seemed confrontational to say i need to come and observe.

BUT i think i choose to go with Sisi on this and assume the come and observe in the office for days as NOT BEING LITERARILY or physically observing.

I just think its better for in laws to try not to create a bias at the begginning of a long journey.At our wedding my family outnumbered my hubbys by about 8 to 1(am 3/4 ijebu and 1/4 lagosian ) and hubby is an orphan.BUT i tried to make sure his family were carried along.I even insisted on the same colour for both sides so it wont seem like my family dominated the whole thing which TBH they did.
I have a friend whose family who undermined hubby's family at every point throughout the wedding cos they had more resources.Till today that relationship is still strained and frosty.

JeSoul: Hello dear sister Damiso,
I thank God for your life that you are seeking to do His will. I am a very very strong proponent of letting the peace of God guide you into all things. You should be fully convinced in your heart before undertaking any role of serving - especially one as demanding as 'pastor-hood'.

Part of a (your) pastors role is to encourage, gently prod and push you to greater faith and servitude within the body - BUT it must be a gentle Holy-Spirit influenced kind of pressure - NOT the kind that makes you feel guilty for simply wanting to spend time with your young children. Yes he wants you to serve the God that gave them to you - but your duty is to first serve your husband and and your children 100%, and then if you have any strength left over, the church. Let your pastor know as respectfully as possible but also be firm.

Personally, I have no reservations about women leading a congregation in the absence of qualified men (ideally) - others obviously feel differently - and God is His mercies will help us all. I wish you the very best sis . May God continue to bless and guide you according to His perfect will. Amen.

Thanks sis Jesoul.I will definitely follow the prodding of the Holy Spirit.I do want to serve but as i said earlier i believe that the mo the pastoralministry is not my calling.I will continue to be respectfully firm about this.

vanitty: We are talking cross purposes
This is not about any guarantee that your child will be happy etc
This is SOLELY are you who you are research!
At the end of your text, you agree just you will not be upfront about it huh, you will rather do it on the sly! The man decided to take the bull by the horn. If something so trivial like that will make a man even have two minds about marrying the lady, then good riddance to bad rubbish.

I do accept that is not enough reasons to call off the marriage as you should be ready to jump through hoops if you love someone to want to spend your life with them.BUT my point is the method seems authoritarian.Check out his claims but dont make it in your face.Its makes it look the womans family might be meddlesome.Yeah you dont care as your childs welfare is your paramount concern but think of the future.So after following him to observe in the office for three days,and he checks out what sort of SIL FIL relationship will they have.
If you do it covertly and he checks out all well and good,your daughter is fine, no awkward fences to build.If he does not the discussion is between you and your child to say is this really what you want to marry into?

To some families a girl who cant cook cant make a good wife.Thats their opinion.So if i am marrying into that kind of family, my MIL says come for the next one week i want to observe if your cooking is up to the standard of my son's refined palette.Today you make jollof rice.fried rice, tomorrow efo riro peppersoup,next tomorrow Okro,egusi porridge.Pls be sincere how will you feel about such a MIL.You immediately assume she feels your cooking is not good enough for her child.And when you marry it might set the tone for the whole MIL DIL relationship.

Reading this thread and learning alot.As the bible says Iron sharpeneth Iron.

I worship in one of the most popular churches in Nigeria here in the UK.I serve in the childrens church,Youth church,a sunday school teacher and a couple of other duties Ours is a small parish and my pastor keeps trying to enrol me in the next pastoral leadership classes.

I have told him over and over again that i do not want to be a pastor and have even backed it up scriptures and even told him the main reason why i kick against it is my Husband does not worship in our church.I was born a muslim and converted to christianity and we used to worship together at the C of E(anglican church) till i started worshipping elsewhere when he was away for a while.He allowed me the free rein to worship where i want if i felt i was more spiritually in tune there BUT refuses to come along with me.

I know and i am convinced by the Holy Spirit that i do not want to be a pastor.I seek no such officein order to validate my Salvation in christ Jesus and TBH even if my husband was a pastor i still would not want to be one.I strongly believe in this scripture about our diff roles in the body of christ

"There are diversities of Gifts,but the same spirit.There are differences of ministries but the same Lord.And there are diversities of activities but it is the same God who works in all"(1Cor 12:4-6).

I dont believe my role is being a pastor but he keeps saying he sees in me a leader and one of the best candidates in his parish.I spoke to my husband and though he is not against it i cant tell from his demeanour he is not too keen.His words were do what the spirit ministers to you.I have two young kids under 5 and as it is it seems the roles clash.Sometimes when i cant meet up,my pastor even says i am using my kids as an excuse in slacking in my duties in the things of God and that who gave me those kids?

I have a strong conviction that i am called by God to make an impact for Him but not as a pastor.I have refused to fill the form and he is more or less saying i am rejecting the Call to serve.I keep praying about this and i am.not convinced to be a pastor.I will not be a people pleaser but look to Christ who is the author and finisher of my faith.

I have quite a couple of Teens am mentoring at the moment and they are the reason i would not want to leave this parish but seriously considering doing so if i keep getting pressured.I head follow up and even get told off for not pressuring people to become workers.
Reading this thread as even thrown up some more questions on whether or not i should even be leading a church which seems to be where this seems to be leading.

Pls my dear bro and sisters in Christ how do i stand my ground in love without seeming rebellious?

vanitty: Why this whole outcry? Is that not how it is done? so you just expect to say ok I want to marry your daughter and that is it? If you are of that opinion that you should believe what I say, just pray your leg never reach our family house o. Even the small ones still in nappies are investigating you, asking you questions, who are you? What do you want? Hehehe. Everyone just turns CIA and we won't have it any other way.

I suspect the girl has no brothers because usually it is the brothers doing the investigation on the pretence of trying to know our new in-law better!

The main thing is you are what you say you are. If you are what you say you are, then you have nothing to worry about now do ya?!

Of course not.Anybody wants the best for their child and i sure as well dont want my SON marrying a psycho too.Cos i hope people do realise not only men pretend to be what they are not.Of course the old system even meant there would be an Alarina(in yoruba culture) and this broker as you may call it would be the one to broach the issue of marriage.After which covert or lets be more modern coded runs are now done.And lets even be factual here,despite all the checks,do we factor in some of the issues in marriage which are actually compatibility and communication.There is only so much you can do to GURANTEE that your child will be happy in marriage.

I do get now as a parent though wanting to protect your child from the evil world we live in.But i would still prefer it done in a more not in your face kinda way.

coogar: that's douchebaggery!



you mean the girl cannot read/write? at's kinda odd! what kinda mgbeke babe is that one? the dude should be flogged too - asking a sister to help look for a wife! why can't be do the job himself? is he on a wheelchair?

He kuku is not o.Just typical i dont like all this uk girls.They are too headstrong and dont submit .And as my amebo husband gisted me the girl fine dieeeee

Coogar i agree with you.I met hubby while i was on holiday in the uk and i lived in Naija.We courted for three years travelling back and forth.Am sure some people might not have been able to travel like we did but at least you said spend some time to woo.Am talking never ever met and going straight to wedding.

And i am serious i know someone who did this.He told his sister to look for a wife for him.The girl said she was in Yabatech.Ase all na lie.Homegirl could not even pass the english test now required for spouses of Non Eu nationals.

Just to add one reason i am not too comfortable with people marrying someone they have never met.I see people say am going home to get married but they have never met the person.I think its weird on both ends. .I met him through my uncle's wife brother sister,he lives in London,she gave him my no,we talk on the phone.WHAM 6 months down the line he is coming home for us to get married for me to go back with him.

THAT should be more a cause for concern.

gabbytabby: Covertly doing this is only an option if the guy lives in Nja but as he is abroad he had no option but to be in your face about it and it shows the depth of father love and care for his daughter. If the suitor has noting to hide he really would be proud to be married into such family.

It reminded me of the years/months before year 2000 when everyone was a consultant . There are too many people who dey abroad that are claiming that they are what they are not. If na me I go recruit professional PI put.

So if he was abroad,he would buy a plane ticket to go and observe him in his office?

What happened to believing that you raised a rational and logical child with her head screwed on right?Cos if she had her head screwed on right and its not about how wealthy he is,would she not know that he was claiming to be what he was not.

When i met hubby,he was studying and was working part time in a supermarket.He was upfront about it and i never looked down on him cos of it.I even respected him for studying and working at the same time cos me i am lazy and cant do the both of them at the same time.Most girls will look down on such a man but i realised it was not where he was then but where he was going.

Just had to comment.Where is Abrantie? .talk about chickens,hatched

I kinda get the over protectiveness of Dads with their daughters.But this dad's method was rather Crude.I can imagine my Dad saying he wants to follow my hubby to the office .

Before he met my husband at all i had been thorougly drilled on what kind of person he was (my dad lived in abuja).I cant imagine you dating someone and not being able to decipher certain things like what he does for a living.Only an airhead would be satisfied with i do business.What kind of business?Or dont u guys talk at all ni?Maybe am naive but there is no way id be dating a fraudster and not know that he was shady.Everyone i ever knew that dated olodu boys knew they were olodu boys,they just used to pretend cos they loved the money.
So if you know your boyfriend or fiance is shady and still want to marry him what does that say about the values of the daughter daddy raised?

He probably should have done the checks covertly if he did not trust his daughter's judgement.That in your face kinda confrontation,naa not a good foundation.

[quote author=doggshaven]Best friends are gifts from God.[/quote]Good friends are gifts from God cos am weary ofthe term best.I have a few good friends such as these that even time and distance has not been a hindrance to our relationship.

That said sometimes we get hurt by friends cos we expect too much.I had someone say i helped him when he was in school, i used to share my food and pocket money with him.Now he got a job in Zenith bank and he cant even help me as he knows am jobless .I said is he Jim Ovia?Even if he is Jim Ovia you have to go through the normal recruitment proccess for show.But this guy is just a banking officer and you want him to give you a job.Best he can do is tell you when there is a recruitment drive and help you prep for interview.And MAYBE put in a good word for you if he knows those on the interviewing panel which might be unlikely if its a big org.


So sometimes it pays to lower expectations.Just be nice for the sake of being nice not cos ur expecting to use the niceness as ammo in the future.

Scratch my first post on some people being competitive.I think we all are,i remember one of my best childhood memories was coming first and beating the boy that was always first position and me 2nd .Unfortunately it was for one term only.

I think its bad when you try to pull the other person down as baby illustrated.Its worse when you are even meant to be friends.The world is big enough for us to all succeed in our own peculiar ways.If my friend is a CEO in a bank and i need to do business with them no be to my own advantage.I guess envy is a very strong emotion so some ppl cant stand the notion of being not the one good things are happening to.