₦airaland Forum

Nashville: Damiso,

If your mum finds love again, please let her be. Your husband is just being sentimental. Nothing wrong in a 60 year old finding love again. Its not like she is cheating on your dad, your dad is dead and the marriage is over. If she finds one 65 year old widower or divorcee, nothing wrong in it. Everybody wants to be loved and needs company and your mums are human too.

I agree wholeheartedly
But Nashville was not my husband who disagreed.It was a friend.My husband once jokingly told mum that we could register her profile on those over 60's dating sites.Who knows we could jam one rich lonely man that would will his fortune to us.
My mum could not stop laughing.

tpia1: Do not rush in where angels fear to tread.


Some threads need to come with a 'poster beware' heading.

Meaning

stillwater: I would so encourage it for companionship purposes, since err..rr I'm not much of a companion.

Reminds me of my sister

@, mfm don dey allow aso ebi times have changed o.Awww nice love story.

@Efe typical naija woman. ;DMy bro mentioned that he wanted to get a place with his friend after Youth service and my mum almost had a fit. .My sister nko who has been working for almost 6 yrs, she still has to take permission (though my mum will say its not permission she just merely wants to be informed in time ) to go out on dates or stuff after work. She has to do night vigil to sleep over at a friend's .Though to be honest that applied even to me back then but since Dad died she has been doubly possessive.(she won't agree though).

As said it's kinda cultural especially on the older mothers cos if it was reverse I.e. the fathers the story is different. I have heard adult children say daddy needs a companion who will be helping him run the housem I don't have time with work, family etc.I have never heard anyone say maybe Grandpa can come help with the kids now that mummy is gone

naijababe: It is easy to say I will welcome the idea but frankly speaking I am not sure I'd be especially over the moon but I will respect that decision if that is what she wants. As you you rightly stated, you and your siblings are leading your own lives, why should her's stop just because her hubby died before her?
Loneliness is terrible and I'd not wish it on anyone and especially anyone over 50 for that matter.

Hello sis...How's good ole Scotland

Maybe you and efe are right that I might not be too over the moon if it does happen but as you rightly stated Loneliness is a bad thing.People assume you are old jo, you can be going to church or a'salatu as the case maybe but it seriously is not the same.My sis and bro are still at home and I don't know the amount of quarrels I have settled all the way from London just cos mum said they are being inconsiderate. Things like she went out from work without telling me beforehand, she is never home, he is always out bla bla.I tell them its not like she is hounding you guys but its just that she needs some company when she gets back from her shop . And my mum is fairly social so imagine someone who is not.Unfortunately I don't live in Nigeria maybe dropping off the kids some weekends might have helped . She really does miss my Dad.
When she is here and sees all those old couples (my mum is very emotional) you see tears fill her eyes.
I hear people say I am my mum's husband, I know its a different relationship.

Efemena_xy: 'Disgusting' is too strong a word to use and is quite frankly, inappropriate.

Anyway, I get what you're saying sha but for me personally, I really, really don't know how I'd feel - but then again, her happiness is what's important here.

Oh, I don't know - this your question hard, I tell you.

Efe you know men naa, his brain was going in the 'other' direction .Its disgusting enough thinking of your parents 'doing' it not to talk of one strange man and your mum .Dirty mind like that's the only part of a relationship.Am sure that's why he used the word disgusting

Efemena_xy: But how would you really feel about it though - if your mum says she's found someone?

Remember, (ideally), he'll probably have kids and grandchildren of his own.

Well, I would not automatically think its disgusting. I would ask my mum about him, his family dynamics, does she think she could cope with the dynamics.My mum is muslim but I would never support her marrying a man with a wife or other wives.Might not be too comfortable with an elderly divorcee (that depends on how long he has been divorced) but would not really mind a widower l.At that age as you said he probably has children and grandchildren of his own so in those scenarios it's not like they want to have kids or something. It's more like a companionship thing.I would ask my mum if he made her happy (would not compare with my dad).If he makes her happy why not? The dynamics are tricky but its not an idea I would totally oppose.

I guess as most of you said its society that kinda makes it harder on the older woman.I remember my grandfather remarried just 1 year after he was widowed.To a woman 5 yrs younger than my mum (his first child).When my mum asked why such a younger person, he said that's when the older woman will say ehn my daughter had a baby I have to go help and then leave him a bachelor for the next 4 months .

I get people ask me all the time why doesn't your mum come and stay permanently in the UK so you don't have to pay for childcare. My answer is 1 I can't afford to pay my mum she has expensive tastes lol 2.She has her own business her own life, she has raised her own children so why should I make her substitute nanny.Dont get me wrong she comes over like twice a yr and helps when around but I still dont think telling her to abandon her life is fair.Besides she hates the cold .

THAT is one of the reasons I think some adult kids dont want their widowed mothers especiallyto remarry or find love again.Partly selfish reasons 'So will this man allow her to come and help with my kids?'.Obviously we are all adults so there is no question of him wanting to assume daddy besides he can never ever take the place of my Dad so I don't get the issue with it.Women have suffered sha, you raise your own children society expects you to raise grandchildren again na wa o. P.S I am not saying grandparents should not help with their grandchildren.

Happy Saturday People...

I was discussing with a family friend, (we grew up together and our mums both got widowed in their mid 50's) and our discussion geared towards our mums.I then jokingly said seems we need to look for a boyfriend for the mummies this one that mummy is always on my sister's case maybe she needs another adult for companionship.My dad died 5 yrs ago, theirs 7 yrs ago.His reaction was quite shocking .He said that's a useless, disgusting idea.These people are grandmothers.My reply was yeah I was joking intially but jokes apart I would really be happy for my mum if she found love again.Me and my siblings are living our own lives so why should we expect her to stop living or crave that kind of affection cos she is a grandmother? My mum will be 60 soon and a very youngish 60 if I may add so I can't see why not? My friend said I've started thinking like oyinbo .He said at that age her kids and grandkids should be her preoccupation and all her time should be spent praying for them.Like really? people pray 24 hours a day. He said that's me sha but he knows his mum can't even think in that direction.

So guys for those with widowed parents (those with adult children) are you receptive to your parent finding love again?

Good morning people...Yusphull good to hear you are ok.His protection will abide on us by His Grace.

Thought to share as a comic interlude amidst all this mandela death thing

People should create their own legacies..... .Some names are forever written in the sands of time even if they had 100 girl children.

Hello FunRoom....
Bellong so sorry for your family's loss It is well with us all and may His protection be upon us and ours in Jesus name.

Am exactly the same not bought one single gift just not in the mood. I might just do everything online cos I hate trawling the streets esp in the mad rush.My daughter is really the one rekindling the Christmas spirit in our house as my lil actress got the lead role of Mary in Her nursery's nativity play .So there is no forgetting Christmas with lil madam around.Our tree is up but maybe its me it looks scanty so have to get some more baubles and garlands over the weekend.Dis cold is not helping coupled with customers giving me hassle over the last few days.

YPP abeg share the love when you find the 50k land

Hi ciwi BB pin is 7BBD793B

ciwi: No Bb pin?

Bump

Hello Fun Room....Happy Friday

Efemena_xy: My dear, not yet o! But it'll be done this weekend.

Thank goodness I don't have to battle with fixing it up and it's fittings - the boys will do it while I chill out. They're more than capable. Besides, I think I'll start scouring the shops for turkey deals / offers now



Very true.

You know, this reminds me of a line from The Sound of Music: When the lord closes the door, somewhere he opens a window...

Remember that?

Good idea Efe I need to start shopping too*grrr*.I know its not expected from a woman but I now dread shopping.Its like a chore .Thank God for online shopping and Mr Coogar just informed me that there is now Black Friday in the UK(copy copy people ) with 70% off in shops like asda, john lewis, amazon etc.So one better get on it and take advantage of the offers.

Ehen people any ideas on a suitable Christmas gift for a male teacher? Women are so much easier to buy for.

coogar: haaaa, damiso didn't get the memo.
there's black friday in the UK tomorrow - big shops have stolen the idea & prices are to be slashed up to 70% discount.

i am taking tomorrow off sef so i can shop till i drop. christmas came too soon. asda, john lewis & amazon have caught the bug. miss it, miss o

Father Lord in heaven, the world has indeed turned into a consumeristic mess .UK people and copy copy and buy buy.


Thanks coogar sha.amazon does have good deals on some toys

lady gogo: 1000 likes!


Why are Ibadan raised people like that though? The most homely friends i have are from Ibadan. Those peeps can whip up some bad ass Amala.

I dont know o.Maybe cos life is more laid back but those people ehn.Till now my husband still teases me and calls me Lagos Girl but I say to him Na you know. .They had a farm in their back garden and even used to make their own garri .Like WTH makes their own garri?? .How will garri sellers live if people make their own garri?

MMotimo: Thank you, pickabeau

@ damiso

America's sweetheart, how's it going? Hope your family and Mama Dami are all well.



I can bet money that coogar's woman is just as feisty as ileoba. Men like this cannot live happily with a doormat. I have no doubt that she is very intelligent and debates are a part of their relationship.

They are well ma .We thank God. Happy Thanksgiving . Don't overspend on Black Friday o.Cos that's what people do here on Boxing Day Sales

Most Michelin starred chefs are actually male so all these cooking is better suited to women is just stereotype.Cooking like swimming is a life skill that can be learnt if you are willing or have an interest.My son must learn how to cook so he won't be totally dependent on takeaways, sainsburys ready meals and Tomi's kitchen when he leaves home .
My husband can make some things better than i can,the dude can make ogi from scratch (all these ibadan raised people know how to make the most random stuff who has time for all that In Lagos ).There are so many things like ogbonna I could not make when I got married but learnt via YouTube or from hubby so OP teach the woman you love HOW you like your meals.
And I can change a lightbulb, put on a generator, change a tyre, try to do plumbing etc.That said if hubby is home, he does it. I do bulk of the cooking because he has paid his dues I.e. put a ring on it .Oga op oya do quick and pay your dues.

pickabeau1: Thanks for sharing dami

You are welcome.

Efemena_xy: Inspiring story, Dami.

How're you and family?

We are fine Efe.. And you and yours? Christmas tree out of the loft yet?

Royal Roy: Good testimony Dami

Many people spend a lot of time looking at the closed door and refuse to see the opened door.

Your sis is lucky or should I say favored?

To God be the glory.


Hello house!!!!!!


Nice noon to you all.

Yes o To God be the glory o

yellowpawpaw: Dami, gbamest!
I totally agree!
Congrats to ur sis.



Eemn.....inform her that her first fruit offering plus including tithe passeth tru pastor YPP.
She is bountifully blessed in advance!

YPP na muslim naw.Na zakat muslim dey pay any which way or name i will tell her not to forget imam/pastor YPP

Hello FunRoom....How una dey? May the soul of the departed rest in peace.

I just heard some good news that just reinforced my belief that God answers prayers and sometimes God needs to take away something to give you something better.My Lil sister (if she catches me na big woman now) got let go at work in September.It was really demoralising time for her and I had to keep giving her morale boosting talks.My sister is muslim but I had to even be quoting bible verses just to inspire and encourage her.She was getting depressed, constantly arguing with mum (as they were now spending so much time together ).In short you know that Naija line of its not her fault of I was in my husband' s house came up a couple of times but I kept telling her to keep faith .

This morning, she got a job offer for double her former pay. I am soo happy for her and she kept saying Sis I admire your faith.I shared this just to let someone out here know that just keep faith, things will always turn out well.My sister was always complaining about her old job and would tell people in passing I am looking for a new job but you know how it is when you have a job already. Sometimes God closes some windows so we can get a floodgates of blessings.

Mmotimo, How are you ma (I know you and CC hate that ).Very insightful post and that your 'research' is kinda spot on.This is also based on women I know so not speaking in general.

Oh my days another young death .uhhhm.Oluwa.

I did not know this vivianC but read a couple of her posts.May God grant the family the grace to bear this loss.....Typhoid and malaria gosh.... Now when someone texts or messages me and says do you remember 'c' ? My next question is pls don't tell me he is dead.So many deaths and as I said to Dutchess yesterday life is a gift, too short to not try to be happy, let go of grudges, not take anyone or anything for granted.My friend sis was buried on friday just 34 with 3 babies (4, 2 and 8 day old) left behind.3rd under 35 I have heard in a month.

May her soul rest in peace.
Idowuogbo e- hugs pele Oloun a tu e ninu (God will comfort you).And all her other friends on NL.

Happy Birthday YPP many many more years in Gods glory.As you get younger may your days be filled with more joy.Sorry my wishes came late too much to do.seems CC and Efe have covered starter and main oya make I handle dessert.Choose one.

Efemena_xy: Nah, I don't.

Crime drama isn't my thing. The closest I'll get is Nikita

I love crime drama.I watch mostly crime drama.I even used to be a CI (crime and investigation) freak.I used to say to my husband I hope I am not supressing one innate dark side cos I don't understand why I used to get such a thrill from following crime

dayokanu: ^^ The average UK family has student loans for both couple and in the US I have friends who pay as much as $1,00 per month

I expect a similar figure for the UK. And if one person works multiply that by two

Damiso, what of car notes for 2? Does that apply in the UK also?

So coogar how much does an average person pay back per month in student loan debt

Thats why I said when it comes to number crunching and the realities of life hardly would a family survive on the income of one especially for a period of up to 7yrs

What is car note?Is that like when do have finance on a car?A family of 4 can live with one car in London esp where the costs of parking,congestion etc are just too ridiculous for two cars.Most people commute to work anyway.Its faster easier and sometimes cheaper especially when you commute to Central london zone 1.Maybe Coogar can help with student loan costs?University education was free till a couple of years ago even at that till 2010 Tuition was about 3k a year.I don't know about the US.

Oga DK I don dey tire .Let everyone do what works for them.Quality of life and standard of living is subjective ojere.I just did the breakdown so you can know a family of 4 CAN live on one wage on the basic for a while as long you can cut your cloth according to your cloth .And this my breakdown did not include the £134 child benefit you get a month for two kids.Its not ideal and it's not alot but everyone knows what they as a family can or cannot cope with.Some other families might get other top ups,we get a council tax rebate as well cos the other adult in the household is studying.Even with two incomes sef it can be a struggle based on your outgoings so as i said its subjective.

But Oga DK pls stop calling all Stay at Home Mums alabodo ko da o(e no good). .

Efemena_xy: ^^ Homeland - sounds like a gardening program?

lol Season 1 and 2 were the bomb especially when it came to suspense.But this season 3 get as e be joor..Dont tell me you like NCIS too.

coogar: madam aluta....so you watch criminal minds? i throway salute. it's by far the most educative show out there.



i watch homeland
seasons 1 & 2 were very good but this season 3 is too tacky. the editing has been awful.

Very very awful.They should have just ended it at season 2 when Abdul Nasser was killed.All this join join is not doing them any justice.Ontop all the Emmys they have won.

dayokanu: In all these I didnt see cell phone, you said minus Sport coogar do you agree with that? I didnt see payment of previous debt like student loans, credit cards and car notes on it multiply that by 2 because only one person would have to pay it

Or dont people incurr these monthly expenses in the UK

Thats why I said miscellaneous. But ok let me add cell phone.Say £60 a month.

I do not have student loans as I did not study here at degree level.My postgraduate was saved for.Hubby went to Uni when Uni was free as well and also got his professional exam fees paid for by his employer.

Oh as for credit card speaking for us here, I have one credit card that I rarely use.Paid off the balance after incurring so much debt then decided to only ever use in emergencies.Hubby had credit card debt but got paid PPI (payment protection insurance) refund and decided to use it to clear his balance I know its hard to believe in the UK but we (not speaking for others) have very minimal debt.My husband is sooo overcalcu hen.I am the spend thrift

My maths is horrible but il try.

I think after tax and NI you go home with about 2, 600 or 2, 700.

Rent/ Mortage in the suburbs (decent neighbourhood) about £650 to £700
Home Insurance £40
Gas/Electric £100(more in the winter but it's often quarterly so lets say £140)
Council Tax £70
Sky (entertainment extra no sports) £26
Groceries for 4 people 2 kids and 2 adults £300 (could be less depending on how, what you buy.i used to throw food away so I am savvier in how I shop)
Car Expenses insurance road tax etc petrol lets say £300 thats also subjective sha
Miscellaneous £300

Thats £1876.all these are estimates and not exact but around the mark of what you can live on.Not alot.Basic lifestyle.We also do activities for the kids etc..Its hard dont get me wrong but we are not exactly suffering.Just dont buy alot of crap I used to.This is not adding savings, money some people get from other side runs etc

dayokanu: Now since you are adept with numbers fill in the gap

with 40k income that translates to 3,330 before tax. After UK tax how much is left?

How much is rent for a 2 bedroom in Chelsea area that Nashville mentioned

How much is the average monthly bills of cell phone, internet, Light, cable, heating etc

How much is groceries and supplies per month since the govt only provides for the child and not the adults

How much for credit card, student loan and car payment per month

Now let me know what yu come up with living on one income and maintaining a decent lifestyle

Na chelsea you call like that. ....except its social housing na millionaires dey live chelsea o.Its like saying only those who live in Bannana Island can live decently. ...

coogar: remember i used the £40,000 wage bracket for both hubby & wife. living on benefit so one's wife can groom her baby is not crap. I have been paying taxes in this country for aeons......when my wife puts to bed, i will still work & pay taxes so why is it crap to take your entitlements?



conveniently forgetting mr coogar & his wife had paid taxes for years to fund the grooming of the babies of the other mothers that decided to stayathome with their kids.

your argument is always against logic!!

Once the household income is over the£40k threshold even if only one partner works, you become ineligible for most benefits.I know what I am talking about cos even for me to get help with childcare while in school was a struggle because I have a working partner.People even advised us to say we are seperated to get help but we personally just dont like dodgy stuff like that.I know people who do it wella (with hubby working and earning well).When you see a couple who have diff surnames, 80% of the time that's what they are doing.

coogar: how much were you paid after your first baby? i am talking per annum o.

I was working full time so was my husband so I was not entitled to most of the benefits available.Child benefit was the only non means tested benefit and now sef it is, cos one partner earns over £44k you lose it.Living on benefits is crap really. Most of those you see living large on benefits lie that they have no partners.Esp those that married out of country.