₦airaland Forum

ameenahz: Sir, i think the same thing applies to the man. He married her knowing she was a muslim. Why didnt HE marry one of his kind? And why didnt he strive to convert her BEFORE marrying her?

@OP, it is too late to say this, but i'll say it anyway: you guys shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. A muslim woman shouldnt marry a non muslim man. A (an African) woman doesnt 'really' have a choice in issues like this. You should have known that.

That said, to me, it's too late to convince your husband to allow you practise your religion. Besides, no (African) man will watch/allow you practise a different religion, so you have two choices: It's either your home or your religion. Set your priorities right and make a choice. I pray God guides you to make the right choice.

Not absolutely true
Hard esp due to raising kids in a confusing way.I do know an older aunt who is an assistant pastor in RCCG and her husband is still a Muslims.I don't live with them but as far as I know they don't see it as an issue.Not ideal as I know it makes what religion the children will practise awkward but its possible with communication and understanding.

Even the kids sef that I think its an issue na God o. .I was raised in baba alhaji alhaja home, as we had school lesson teacher we had ustaz for Quran and if not that I was unserious I almost had my Walimaat at 13.I was Amirah(female president) of MSS (muslim students society) in secondary school and I actually used to wear hijab.
But today I am a Christian

Tgirl4real: I think you should go back and read OP's post well. It's pretty clear OP can't express himself well, but from the lil he has written, it is also very clear that OP wasn't referring to this one time. It is sum'n that has been going on since the brother got married. That is why he said his brother is asking him why he hasn't been coming around like before.

Sincerely, let's forget this age of internet and GSM, if you have a very good relationship with someone (friends or family), you can actually visit unannounced as long as you aren't planning to go there to spend the night. It could be that you found yourself in their neighborhood and thought to drop in.

Have you for a minute imagine that OP may not have a phone? It is very possible.

Tgirl I am not saying the bro's wife was right or apportioning blame to the poster. I am not naturally a territorial person, I dont mind having guests in short in my marriage its my husband that would emphasise that people call before they visit cos thats what he would always do.I am just saying alot of these threads eg my bro wife gave me fish bla bla would be less frequent if people stop paying close attention to what the other does.Of course we are human and body language tells if you are not welcome.But really sometimes it might not be so.

A lil example , I am very big on manners and people that know me say I can choke with please and thank you.But of late had so much on my plate and I might be looking at you and really not see you. So today in school a guy held the elevator for me cos he saw I was about to enter.I did not say thank you immediately cos I was so scattered.The guy (trust jamo now he go tell you ) was like a thank you would have been nice.I said oh gosh I didnt say thank you, God am so sorry, my mind was miles away, thank you . Sorry if I seemed rude but at 10 am I am already knackered. The guy was taken aback cos he saw I was genuinely not being rude and said oh its ok I understand.We ended up chatting about the the weather and kids.


My point is alot of people vex alot cos they inteprete actions and words and at the end of the day they are the ones who are upset cos sometimes the other person might even be oblivious of said offence.

I just had to post below excerpts so people can understand PND.I had a very mild form of it and only God and talking to the right people (not even my family) made me realise that my child was a blessing.
Alot of responses on this thread sound ignorant.Sometimes depression comes from the pressure we put on ourselves.I had a long tiring birth, just lost my dad, had lil or no family in the Uk and I did not immediately feel maternal.I was overwhelmed but getting support put things into perspective.



What is postnatal depression?

Having a baby is usually thought of as a happy time. However, as a new mother, you may not necessarily feel this straight away.You may go through a brief period of feeling emotional and tearful – known as the 'baby blues'. It usually starts 3-10 days after giving birth and affects around 85 per cent of new mothers. It is so common that it is considered normal. New fathers may also feel it. And, although having the baby blues may be distressing, it's important to be aware that it doesn't last long – usually only a few days – and is generally quite manageable. However, around 10-15 per cent of new mothers develop a much deeper and longer-term depression known as postnatal depression (PND). It usually develops within six weeks of giving birth and can come on gradually or all of a sudden. It can range from being relatively mild to very severe.

Common signs of postnatal depression

You may experience one or more of the following symptoms. However, it is unlikely that you will go through all of them.How you may feelsad and lowtearful for no apparent reasonworthlesshopeless about the futuretiredunable to copeirritable and angryguiltyhostile or indifferent to your husband or partnerhostile or indifferent to your baby.You may find that youlose concentrationhave disturbed sleepfind it hard to sleep – even when you have the opportunityhave a reduced appetitelack interest in sexhave thoughts about death.As babies need care and attention frequently, including during the night, it is common to feel tired in the months following the birth of a child. And lack of sleep can make you feel both low and irritable. This is normal, and it is important not to confuse this with PND. However, one indication that you are going through PND is if you find it hard to sleep even when you’re tired and have the opportunity to do so.My postnatal depression snuck up on me as a dark shadow, every morning waking up and noticing a heaviness and blackness tomy mood. The only 'comforts' were private fantasies about ending it all, running away, escaping my responsibilities, tearing myself to shreds to try and grasp why I felt so bleak.If you experience thoughts about death or harming yourself or the baby, this can be very frightening, and may make you feel as if you are going mad or completely out of control. You may be afraid to tell anyone about these feelings. But it's important to realise that having these thoughts doesn't mean that you are actually going to harm yourself or your children. However difficult it is, the more you can bring these feelings out into the open and talk about them, whether to a family member, a friend or a health professional, the less likely you will be to act on them.

Diagnosing postnatal depression

Experience of depression or other mental health problems before your child is born can put you at greater risk of developing PND. Health professionals should therefore ask about your wellbeing and mental health, during your pregnancy. (If you feel depressed while you are pregnant or later, you may also information on Depressionhelpful.)Postnatal depression is assessed, often by health visitors, using a questionnaire called the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale. As a new mother, you may be asked to fill this in within the first two months after the birth, to check for early symptoms.

What causes postnatal depression?

There is no known cause for postnatal depression, and sometimes it can start for no obvious reason. However, some researchers have suggested a number of possibilities.Some think it is likely to be biological; for example, changes in your body, including hormonal changes. However, although some studies show that changes in the level of hormones during pregnancy and after birth can trigger changes in mood, only some women go on to develop PND – so hormones are unlikely to be the single cause.Others think the cause is linked to past experiences or social circumstances. Many suggest that a combination of different issues cause PND.Some situations are considered to put you at particular risk of developing PND:previous mental health problemslack of supportexperience of abuselow self-esteempoverty and poor living conditionsmajor life events.

Previous mental health problems

If you have experienced a mental health problem in the past – including during pregnancy – this may recur after you have given birth. It is also important to be aware that what caused your mental health problem in the past, can also put you at risk of PND.If you experienced PND after the birth of one child, you are at increased risk of developing PND after the birth of your next child. However, you may have coped well with you first child, and felt depressed after the second, or the other way around.

Lack of support

Several studies suggest that lack of support from a partner or other family members can put you at risk of PND. You are at particular risk if you are a single mother (especially if you’re young), recent immigrant, refugee or asylum seeker.Depression during pregnancy needs to be publicised more – because I was never ever asked how I was, even when they knew was about to be a single parent and aware that I had no support.

Experience of abuse

If you experienced emotional, physical or sexual abuse while growing up, you may find it hard to relate to others, including your baby. If your own parents did not have good parenting skills, you may find it hard to adapt to your new role as a mother. For example, you may feel unsure how to respond when your baby is crying. You may even fear that you are going to harm your baby somehow, because you are unsure how to take care of them.Domestic violence, injcluding verbal, emotional and financial abuse, can trigger anxiety, depression and lower your self-esteem. It also puts you at risk of developing PND.If you experienced abuse as a child or later in life you may also have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which can further add to your risk for postnatal depression. (For more information, see Post-traumatic stress disorder.)

Source:http://www.mind.org.uk/mental_health_a-z/8007_postnatal_depression

alutacontinua: op, if the only reason why you think your sister-in-law doesn't like you or is mean is what you stated above, then i'll say you should re-consider. I as a person don't read meanings into unnecessary things, i try to make excuses for the other party. She might have been in a hurry and couldn't even pull herself together to attend to you, and here you are taking things personal. Why didn't you just point it out to her jokingly and you might get to realise she didn't mean it the way you took it. This in-law thing has tire me, i must be sincere. It's like it's becoming an unending fight, everybody trying to guard their own territory. Why can't we just stop competing for once? That part of the bible that says preferring one another or something like that is one of my favourites. If the wife would see her in-laws as VERY IMPORTANT and the in-laws would see the wife as INEVITABLE, all these things would not be happening.

That been said, courtesy demands that you should inform someone before you go to their house, abeg! Gone are the days when you just appear in somebody's house anyhow...a call doesn't hurt!

I sooo love this post.100 likes.People can like to read meanings into everything. Life would be so much easier if people give others the benefit of the doubt.If its just this once, me I dont think it warrants the how can I please my brother's wife tag.

If I greet someone today and the person does not answer my automatic response is maybe they did not hear (everyone says I can like to play devils advocate) or their mind is far away.Second time, il let slide, 3rd il wonder by 4th il say ok yeah thats no longer mere coincidence. So I keep my greeting besides salutation is not love .I find this not reading meanings into stuff immediately keeps me from keeping grudges.

Oga chill,she might not have meant it as dont visit your brother (if it was just that one incident).

Siena: Do you truly believe it's that cut-and-dried? Depression is an illness, it's just that the average Nigerian won't consider any health condition an illness, unless it's visible. Depression is as real as Malaria or Cancer. Ignorance knows no bounds.

May the soul of the deceased lady Rest in Eternal Peace.

Its so sad but you wont believe that even the most educated people in Nigeria think depression only happens to weak people.

konami001: Self-centeredness of the highest magnitude ... Now that daughter of hers is going to be haunted all her life by this experience... and she is going to grow up with suicide at the back of her mind... She has negatively impacted the lives of her children. Poor children will now grow up being told lies about their mother, only for them to discover that she committed suicide when they grow up... sad! sad!! sad!!! Clearly, she did not love any of her children enough to see them as worth living for... Who will now take proper care of the children now?

To many of you small girls here, coming to nairaland to seek advice on how to ride joy sticks, let this be a warning to you... If you are not going to stick around to take care of your children after delivery, if you have plans to commit suicide after bearing children or to jump from one man's house to another after laying here and there, better continue with your lesbianism oooo please...WE DO NOT NEED ANY MORE MOTHERLESS CHILDREN....

I normally dont attack posts but with this post I see we really have a long way to go in Nigeria regarding mental health issues.

itsmelex: @damiso. those look great and apealing! but U no com let me see the fish na?! You have submerged it in those good looking peppe saurce!

Oya where is my own? Or is it to dig in directly?lol

Lol .I can UPS some over to you.Thanks for the compliment.

Yield: That jollof rice looks delicious, Damiso! Looks very juicy! Good job!

Thanks funny not tasted it till now.Did alot of bulk cooking and just got tired of everything just by looking at them.Its been quite hot so have been having garri with ice cubes. delicious

Thank God its an hypothesis cos I DO have kids and even my husband who said he does not mind adopting (God knows what the story might have been now ) might have been singing a different song by now. This situations are best lived to know how you will react.I cant say procreation is the main reason for marriage but in our culture its a very IMPORTANT factor. In the bible too,as much as Elkannah tried to console Hannah , she still wanted her own child cos her co wife Penninah mocked her with her childless state.It was obvious he loved her dearly and even gave her a worthy portion but she still wanted her own child.

I dont know to be honest but deep deep down I dont think I could do it.I am praying for that kind of faith (even though people around me think i have one kain faith like that).My kids are my world and right now I was soo tired but my daughter cheered me up with her off key singing(like me am a horrible singer).That said though

Jollof rice

Baked fish stirred with mixed peppers
Hi everyone.

Sooooo sad .Talia the Lord is indeed your strength and fortress.Your courage is so admirable.God bless you.

Gosh, I hate you Cancer.One day soon we are going to beat you.I have to stop procrastinating and start giving my widows mite to Cancer Reasearch Uk.I know we all cast and bind (I do too) but the sad reality is that we will all know someone who will be affected by this horrible disease

dayokanu: Marry the Range rover

.Good idea.

Sisi_Kill: Or buy the wife.

Also good idea

Efemena_xy: @BigZ Boy, ignore the other posters here jare. They don't know what they're talking about.

Seeing as you handle flashing the cash, berra do both: Marry the Range Rover then buy the wife.

Simple!

See combination of both above.Excellent

My own simple take on this issue is you dont complain when you are served whatever as a guest in someone's house.Its bad manners.Yeah you might not be satisfied.I have been to weddings where the food is horrible i eat wha I can if I can and eat in my house later.Alot of people willl moan and moan, hen they gave me one meat, they gave me fish head, they excluded moi moi in mine and i saw moi moi in people's plates etc.To me its just food why all this sentimental attachment .They had food served in church yesterday come and see grudges cos some people got coke and some people got malt .

I know its slightly different context here or rather am being simplistic but really I never complain about what I am served.Lucky my husband is that way too, my house is unconventional in the sense that my kids get more meat or chicken than we do cos they need it more.You can see a drumstick on my daughter's rice and just salad on mine.I wont do that to a visitor though but all the same people should quit complaining. It irks me that we are so sentimental when it comes to meat and fish. .Even my mum said I was insulting my husband by giving him one piece of meat .I told her its a waste giving him more cos that's all he eats.If he wants more he will ask or take it himself.

As some people have blamed the wife that its just food, I blame the Op too and say its just food.Get over it.There might be a subtle message being passed across and there might not be.We sha like wahala sha.Life is just so simple

Tani Cary Rae Jepsen? Maybe cos I still have preschoolers but I am in a time warp concerning music(ok I like Drake a lil and whathisname erm So sick of love Songs dude and beyonce small ).But 90's early noughties ehen
Sorry nowwwwww
But a girl can reminisce naw abi? No be you ask for head of the home.And I gave you song for it

Efemena_xy: ^^ Beautiful song Damiso!!

Listening to that song now-now. Abeg share some more of your '90's R&B here...my favourite kind of music

Jide, you too. I know you also love '90's R&B

I loved jagged edge so much.I remember back in the days of discmans, all my jagged edge cds were in trouble.Most of those r&b songs had some kind yeye romantic attachment at the time (hope oga no dey read this thread ).Let me list some of my favs.

Boyz 2 Men-On Bended Knees
Joe-All That I Am
Jagged Edge- Promise
Jagged Edge-Lets Get Married
Boyz 2 Men-Doing just fine(this one I kept playing it when.i broke up with one yeye bf like that )
Boyz 2Men-Four Seasons of loneliness
Jodeci-Cry for you
Jodeci-Stay
Boyz2Men-Water runs dry
In short too many men
Lets not derail jide's thread.Sorry jidegirl

Singing Jagged Edge's "Baby am the head of this household" .I used to love that song hen, I wonder where jagged edge are these days.*****reminiscing on them r&b days****

Back to topic,well to me cos the Bible says so(and all the other reasons other posters gave ).Cop out I know sis but really really sef am happy being the neck .I dont want to drag headship with anyone ojere.Make we dey chase money together but He is the man I am his helpmate Let me be the leader elsewhere.

aysometin: AwwwDamiso how did the Nigerian midwife get away with that? My God. Do you think this is a Nigerian thing or what? Why are we some of our healthworkers so laidback and generally nasty? I bet she brought the attitude from a hospital in Nigeria. Thhank God you and your baby survived.

Mrs Flawless, I love your story because it gives a basis for comparison. Please how can you carry out a surgery without any machines to monitor heart rate etc. Nigeria has such a long way to go and I am convinced if it was elsewhere, Nike's story will be different. I guess if you don't have a complication free pregnancy in Naija, your chances are slim.


For me I had my 1st baby at Basildon hospital, my midwife was cool from another african couNtry I guess. On my birthday I was 34 weeks and went for the regular checkup and she found out I had preclampsia, I was rushed to the hospital and the kind of care I got was amazing. I was at the intensive care unit with about 3 midwifes and one consultant attending to me. They were trying to get my BP down so they can bring out the baby. The consultant even said to me ' I heard today is your birthday so I will make sure you have the baby today', they were so nice. I was rushed to the thheatre when they sensed the baby's heartbeat had dropped at about 11.15pm. After all the preparation the consultant said what's the time? They told him 11.45pm, he said we must have this baby today. He started working and was asking of the time at intervals, he brought out the baby and asked for the time and they told him 11.58pm and he smiled, everybody started clapping. My hubby told me all these because I was to weak to even notice, I just heard the clap and thought it was because my boy was born. It was an amazing experience and I am so grateful to that team. My son and I share the same birthday. If I was in Nigeria, I can't say for sure what my story would have been.The level of care is worlds apart, let' s forget the faciltieS available, why are our health workers sometimes insensitive without going the extra mile? Even when they find themselves in a different environment like the UK?

My husband being the person that he is, wanted to take it up but I just told him to leave it.I was like you know naija sentiment now they will say we blocked her means of livelihood. My husband said typical naija behaviour of not holding people accountable but I guess our joy at our lil princess just eroded the anger and we dropped it.My husband actually got cards and wines for the other oyinbo midwives cos they were awesome.She was the one on night duty and my labour was through the night so the other midwife was the one who took over at 8am.I can never forget that lady her name was Louise.My daughter was born 9.19 am on 19/09/09 and she made such a fuss about it.She made me feel soo at ease where the foolish naija woman felt I was being lazy.Its by force she gave me gas sef.Funny enough one of my aftercare nurses was Ghanian and she was soo nice and funny.She kept joking dont worry you will soon go home to get fufu, I know this mash and peas no do you .

I think naija midwives are that way cos maybe they themselves went through labour with lil or no pain relief and no holding hands and no husbands.So they feel en yo (you are being pampered) esp when they see a naija name.I dont want to believe they are like that with othrr races.My second birth was a strictly all white team and my mum and husband were with me this time.Till tomorrow, my mum tells everyone the story and adds plenty curses to naija leaders when I told her that treatment was NHS and not even private care.

dayokanu: Abi ooo

If it was the woman that had the problem I am certain the guys husband would have made a full flavour Nabania album of abuse on her head.

If you are dating test run your partner wellla, And if you test run and you no miss period for 1-2yrs omo na long thing oo.

In my own case we dey always run foul every 3-4 months we had to get an IUD cos Morning after refused to work again

Oga Dayo , thank God for the IUD cos morning after pill is EMERGENCY contraception, not to be used lightly and frequently ..And by run foul you mean

Childbirth and pregnancy can be the most simple, straightforward process ever.Its a miracle from conception to birth and its such a wonderful thing.But one complication can make it all go wrong.
One can have bad experiences anywhere and sometimes its not the fault of the healthcare personnel or facilities sometimes it is.

I had a very awful experience with my daughter delivery.Maybe it was a coincidence or not but the midwife on duty was a Nigerian and boy o boy her reputation precedes her.My friend who had her baby same year as mine and is due sept is actually praying and fasting for it not to be this woman.Very hard, unfeeling and generally cranky.This woman made me push for 3 and a half hrs when my baby's umblical cord was wrapped round her neck. The consultant ob/gyn I saw in my second pregnancy could not get over it.Thank God my husband was there and literarily had to shout at her that she is in so much pain and vulnerable and you are still being so mean to her.The registar who took over said she should have done somethings to notice that it was the cord pushing the baby back
I cant quantify the exhaustion and my baby was getting distressed.As soon as the other midwife (a white lady faaaaaar nicer) rang the bell ,the response was like something out of a movie, the room was filled with diff people and I think God just put in his hand cos I was about to be wheeled In for a CS.I pushed on the next contraction and my babys head came.You dont want to know how I was cut , I had to have a spinal to be sewn up.All because the foolish woman felt I was being lazy and did not want to push.This was in St Thomas hospital with one of the best matermity units in the Uk.
So you can have horrible experiences anywhere.Though Nigeria needs to tackle maternal.mortality.Its far too high for the advances in medicine.

honey86: Most times its not the doctor's fault. When doctors suggest surgery for women at the initial stage, they won't consent, they prefer to wait it out and see if they can give birth naturally. When things now get out of hand, they will now agree. women please if your doctor says you can't give birth naturally please listen to them for your sake and the sake of your baby.

True.I wonder what we black people have against CS.If the doctor says I and the baby are in danger and we need CS me and my hubby would sign the consent form.in a minute.My mum as educated as she is falls into that school of thought as well.Yeah most people prefer natural delivery but if you cant as long as baby and mother are safe I don't care . I've even had friends who had babies through CS code it and beg you not to tell anyone.


In all though, Gods will be done.Rest in peace beautiful damsel.My sister just told me she knew her in Osu.

Awwww ile aye ile asan.God grant the family of this beautiful young woman the grace to bear this loss.Life is indeed so short.

Pregnancy and childbirth is such a simple yet complicated process.With no complications, the most straightforward process ever, with complications could prove fatal.Its dealing with those complications(cos they are bound to happen, I remember when I had my daughter na just God and experienced healthcare professionals) that we really need to look at in Nigeria.Yes, we will all die someday and from something but our maternal mortality rates are just too high for the way medicine has advanced.

Yvete: Much ado about nothing!

If your parents don't buy you a car, who will?

You or rather yourself

Like most people have said, if the child is the responsible type why not? If mobility is to make life easy for the child and yourself, why not?

If na my mama sef you will almost regret that car cos you will get turned to unofficial driver.'Where are you going?' Mum I am going to ikeja.'Ehen ok can you pls help drop this for Mrs A at maryland, then help stop at Iya lagbaja's shop at Alade and collect the thing she wanted to give me last week.On you way stop at Aunty I's shop at Iponri and pick up all the water and souvenirs for party on saturday.Uhm also no fuel for gen so stop and buy fuel
(this is an illustration of my younger brother's life).I tell him you cant complain, nobody buy moto for me so suck it in