₦airaland Forum

debrief08: Damiso please don't get me wrong I did not say helping out or doing house work be bonding time, in a way it is, in a way it is also a means to an end.
When there is less to do, there is more time for bonding and other activities outside the home.
What I am saying is that in a lot of homes, the women are overworked while the men are living like bachelors not adjusting to the reality on ground.

Marriage is a big responsibility bigger than a lot of people are aware of, it is not by force to marry but if you do there is no half half, it is 2 people working together to achieve one goal, not one person being over worked and doing the work for 2 people.

The role of a father and a husband is very key, He is the head, if he leads well the family will go well, if he doesn't toh. It is him God will ask to give account.
For years we have peddled and reinforced the perception that all men need to do is to marry and carry on doing their own things no questions asked, in fact women were and are still encouraged to reward bad behavior, "don't complain, don't ask questions, pet him more" while we ignored her pain, feelings and when she did one tenth of what he did we don't even give her a fair trial just the boot.
Now we are seeing the results in divorce and seperation yet we still refuse to address the fundamental issue.

So many men need to relearn the real essence of marriage, many women need to learn that marriage is not just for a woman to build, we have to understand the roles and responsibilities and take them seriously.
A woman with a good father and a man whose father respected, loved and cared for his mother is likely to do the same.
We need to readjust and give our kids a better picture of family life.
If a girl has a father who loves her unconditionally she won't go searching and taking any and everything that seems like love. She will be confident and able to discern what is love and what is opportunistic and abusive.

There is no middle ground, you are either ready to marry and be a husband or you are not.
If you are not please don't jump in because others are doing it and your mom is nagging you to marry.
Then when you marry if you can't commit to being a dad please don't bring kids into the world. Kids need a lot of time, energy and attention, just because everyone is having one doesn't mean you should too. The herd mentality is just horrible.
People doing what everyone is doing not knowing why they are doing it.
Too many broken kids around already. Let's not raise anymore abeg

I agree with you debrief.You are very right about the herd mentality of everyone is getting married I must marry amongst some young men.I have male friends or colleagues (when I worked in naija) who liked saying My wife, my son but in reality still lived like bachelors.

I only brought up your intial scenario about housework cos I felt bonding time need not be affected by doing housechores or not.In that your scenario sef mummy ain't bonding nothing .She is probably as cranky as hell (I know I would be) so will just be snapping at the kids.Just joking .

chaircover: Its very important that dads spend quality time with their kids especially the girls. Dad is the best one to teach his boys how to be decent men and the girls what to expect from their own men.

I wont lie, sometimes I feel a little jealous when father and daughter start their lovey dovey, but I know that it is for good reason and its the love that exists between them. Imagine a daughter pinging her dad in Nigeria that she is hungry, when I am in the next room with her in the UK.

Yesterday, he was sleeping on the bed beside me and I was on the laptop, and she just walked into the bedroom and said "daaaaaaaad" in a loud voice. He jumped. I then asked her what she wanted, she laughed and but didnt say anything! I said why did you wake your dad up? and she said "I was just looking for him!" was he lost?

His car is always full of junk and the kids socks, toys, books etc because he is the one always taking them one place or the other. I know that the man that will marry my daughter has his work cut out and I am sure that it is my husband who will be wiping his tears the day she gets married.

We peddle the word self esteem a lot, but one of the best doses of self esteem in girls stems from a good and solid relationship with their dads. They look as their dads as supermen & God's deputy, who can do all things and they will expect that in any man that they meet and any man who falls short of that wont be good enough for them.

I implore all dads to please please please find time to spend with their children. Time waits for no one and you will def reap what you sow when it comes to your children. Its not easy I know, especially with the need to make money and crazy lagos traffic but if things are adjusted slightly, you can still squeeze out some quality tine to spend with your kids.

Spot on as usual CC.
My guy friends in Naija always use VI traffic aa an excuse.They say ehn, I live in Shangisha so I just chill out on the island, take one or two bottles then start the journey home like 9 so I would have missed most of the traffic.Saturday I need to meet up with the 'boys' to mingle and network, sunday for the Christian s church then getting ready for work on monday.

I tell them I get it, but still no excuse not to hang out with your kids.I kinda get debrief's point about the helping with personal stuff being a time to bond in this instances.But going further, I say you can hang out with the kids while still doing your networking with the boys.I remember going with my dad to Eko club, eko le meridien then to negotiate big contracts. In short it was a sought after treat to go out with daddy, cos you would get money and so many treats .

My dad died quite early, but believe me the best memories I had of him were not necessarily the fact that he provided my school fees and shelter but those times we spent together.I have tears in my eyes as I am typing this but I really miss him alot.

staceyo: Hmm,am going through the same and l Just have to let it out. My LO is Just 2weeks old,l dont disburb DH during weekdays cos l understand the fact that he has to go to work.DH woke up yesterday to play ball and didnt come home until 4pm,happy he was back home,by 6pm,he was out again and gave back by 11pm. Doesn't spend time with his family,when l was pregnant he would leave me at home to go hang out with friends.now l dnt think l would have more kids for him.Am crying on my bed,am so sorry,just had to vent

E-hugs luv .Just two weeks old means you recently had a baby and the pregnancy hormones are still ravaging your body.Phewww I dont normally like insulting other people's husbands but he really is being a tad insensitive here.Even with all the support, its a sensitive time esp for a first time mum, post natal depression aint no joke.I had a mild form of it even with a husband that was with me ALL the time for almost 8 weeks after my baby was born (he took all his annual leave and paternity leave).

As debrief said look for someone who can come help you out a bit.Even if they cant spend the night.I also know there is this unspoken tradition that a new mum must remain indoors with the baby for 40 days, but if you can go outside for walks.Fresh air helps to clear the head.I dont know where you are based(its harder to defy tradition in Nigeria, I know I went to the shops without the baby my daughter was just 8 days old) but please don't listen to people who might try to discourage you.Sometimes all the emotions are just overwhelming, esp when you have a crying baby and you are not sleeping well,so 20 to 30 mins away is a sort of tonic for you.


Its very easy to say face your child but the truth is you are not married to your child.You need his support. So speak to him, in a non confrontational way.Most guys like that like the idea of saying I am married but still living like a bachelor. He is no longer one, he has a wife and baby that need him.Not saying he should not hang out with his 'boys' but that is not a priority now.

It is well with you love,cheer up.That gift God gave you is indeed a pleasure to watch grow.

naijababe: She's gone to list her snow mobiles on craiglist so she can drop something na

this NL will not kee me.Ejo my pikins are looking at me oddly, why is she laughing like a possessed person

Abeg make una leave sis jide alone o

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Thank you CC for bringing this our attention

God bless you all.Will try to do something this morning no matter how small.She will need some after -op care so might do more later in the month.
God bless you CC for bringing this to our attention.

debrief08: Sadly a lot of Nigerian Men were trained with the believe that being a Dad is about just bringing money and being unemotionally available. However, so many are now bonding and spending time with their kids some even more than the mothers.
Some still selfishly believe that its the mothers job to do everything and theirs is just to show off well dressed well behaved kids as some kind of prize.

For a lot of Nigerian Family this is the weekly schedule:

1. Monday Morning: Woman wakes up at 5am or 4.30am, prays alone,cleans up, makes breakfast and packed lunch for husband, kids and if there is time for herself.
Wakes the kids up, bathes and dresses them, feeds them, prepares Ogas breakfast goes to hurriedly shower, hardly has time to look her best rushes out and if its one car, waits for oga to wake up and drop them or she even takes a bus to drop the kids off at scholl before struggling to get to work.
Depending on where she works, closes, gets home, checks up kids homework, Baths then feeds them, prepares dinner, cleans their mess then she manages to struggle into bed at 10pm and just shuts down, however the days when Oga is gracious enough to be home early she must forget her drained tired back and put on a 5 star performance in bed, however if he is a late night keeper she will have to wake up when he gets home and make sure his dinner is hot.

Husband: sleeps and snores till 7am, sometimes wakes up early but watches news, facebooks, continues the gist he was doing with BB "friends", manages to bath, Shouts at wifey to come and get him a clean shirt, dresses up, goes to the dinning table, complains about "cold" food, eats, bealches and drives to work, where depending on how busy the day is, spends his time arguing on the weekends premier league matches, facebooking and tweeting.
If he manages to pick the school off during lunch, ah it goes on his cv as "helping out.
After work, he can hang out with the boys or go and see that girlfriend in whose place he won't hear the noise of his own kids and an over worked wife.
Gets home with alcohol breadth or female perfume, Wakes madam up and gets pampered before he snores loudly all night.

Weekends: Saturday, wife is up early, general cleaning scrubbing, washing, taking care of the kids.
Husband: wakes up 9, wears his canvas to go and play football because he is getting to fat, if he did some more things around the house he wouldn't be so fat.
Plays ball, comes showers, watches TV, heads out at night, while he is watching tv screams at busy wife, come and carry these kids from here they are so loud. She carries them and looks for an activity to engage them in before she resumes sweating it out, she rounds up goes to the market, screams and haggles, gets home and starts preparing weekly soup.
Husband gets home late from hanging out, tells her she doesn't even take care of herself because she was too busy to make her hair and nails to be like that burdenless babe he is now seeing.
Sundays: go to church propably an elder, plays happy family man, comes back sleeps and watches football, While madam, cooks, cleans and arranges items for the week.

There you have it. The happy Home.

Madam debrief u eh .This might be a scenario that plays out in some homes but some Nigerian families have domestic help naa. .

And for some the scenario up there is half( or even more sef ) the work of the poor house help cos some people make their teenage or pre adolescent house helps wash heavy clothes to save money.These house helps have no leave, no lunch break nothing.

I agree though that Nigerian men need to bond more emotionally with their kids.Its not necessarily tied to doing house chores though. I bonded with my dad on a very deep level but he was useless at house chores.

chaircover: One thing I like about you Dami is that you keep it real and you say it how it is

Dont mind me and my drama and serenren ooooo! if you see the way I was crying, you will think that someone died

[s]but tears always gets to him. I should have asked for his wallet that day sef . . . tear abuse LOL[/s]

Thank you madam CC, right back at you .Abi o, you should have just milked that vulnerable moment for all its worth

I hope the OP is working on the issues he raised with his wife.Its really not that big an issue jare.They just need adjustments and tweaks here and there and they are good to go.I used to (ok still sort of like that) be like that, cushions must be like this, no dirty plates till next morning but when you realise na your self you go kill, you slow down.

chaircover: David is right. We are sometimes guilty of focusing on the wrong things and It will do us a great good to listen to our men when they are talking (and vice versa) because most of the answers to our questions are actually not far away from our partners mouths.

Giving my own example, My husbands birthday fell during our trip to Nigeria, so without him knowing, id booked a cake and bought lots of decorations & balloons to decorate the house, table cloth and confetti for the cake table and everything I needed to have a barbecue for his birthday and hid them all under the spare tyre in my car boot [s]thats where all those shoes I buy get hidden too[/s] & at the bottom of my wardrobe as I didnt want him to see them as it was meant to be a surprise.

I got the kids to fill in the cards, bought and wrapped the presents and again managed to bring them all to Nigeria and hide it in the house without him seeing them. It was all planned until a day before his birthday we found out that we had to be at a very important engagement which we couldn't turn down and it meant we will sleep away from home in a hotel. I cant go and be decorating a hotel room with birthday banners & balloons especially as we were leaving very early the next morning and I was sooooooooo upset. All my hard work and all my plans thwarted.

He noticed that I wasn't myself and eventually I told him everything and why I was upset, by this time I was in tears. Do you know what my husband said to me?
He said, stop crying and he wiped my tears and in the course of him petting me, he said "All these things dont freak me. I dont care if you dont even wish me happy birthday. The only thing that freaks me is good lovemaking. That is enough for me and as long as I c ;Darry on getting this regularly, I am happy!

LOBATAN!!!

The thing I dey find for sokoto, dey my sokoto!! and I should have just packed my Victoria Secret and my babydoll. . . Less luggage sef

.Yeeepa Oga CC is like most men ojere all this your birthday sereren means nothing without the icing on the cake .Thank you for reminding me, hubby birthday is coming up.

No matter how we deny it, intimacy is a very important part of marriage and as jidegirl illustrated , you often have to get creative with very young kids.As I said, we almost went down that path until an aunty came to stay for a night.She saw me and my daughter going in to bed(she was about 1) and my husband going to sleep in another room.She is not a poke nosy type but she called me about 2 days later and apologised that she was going to point something out to me, she told get your daughter out of YOUR bed fast.I was like but she cries and wont sleep if my body is not near (she actually knew my smell).She said its sleep training, take a holiday cos yeah you might hardly get any sleep and would go into work exhausted.

If I am being honest, me and hubby were gradually turning to just parents and not a couple.All we did revolved around this lil princess. We went weeks without s.eex cos sometimes I would think I would quickly sneak to his room when she was asleep but cos I had gone to work, came home and stressed myself, I would just sleep till the next morning.

So, get them out of your room, pillow talk is essential for intimacy.2nd step talk to her to prioritise duties.Let her bulk cook and freeze.Its easier cooking basics like rice, swallow than cooking a whole pot of soup when you get back from work.You handle the kids getting to bed, when my husband says bedtime, you never get daddy pls 2 more mins like me.Spend time apart from the kids.It might not be possible to always get someone to babysit, but you can have date nights in your house sef.I know its not practical for us to get childcare help routinely, most times sef we rather pay.

It might be selfish but my kids must have routine bed time not just cos it's good for them, but also for my sanity and marriage

jidegirl12: Byvan I totally agree with you

But I guess that's my baggage oh... trust me I wouldn't allow any Nigerian winch to babysit them , trust me they'll be blue black by the time I return... that's why I invest in professional nannies that follow my rules.

Tonight I'm making Mac&cheese for 2 of them then fish sticks with ash brown for the queen Bee one.... Then our own meal....I'm used to it, don't feel sorry for me

Enough derailing

I feel you sis, girls.grrrrrrrr .Such fussy eaters.My queen bee is off naija food at the mo.So annoying.Meanwhile my lil prince can polish off pepper soup sef ;DTypical african boy.

biolabee: I used examples of truly intelligent women who have shaped the world and broke barriers not celebs like Mirren and mendes like the article postulated

Its the person's life choice.. my own is that dont come down the line and be wailing had i known when the eggs are dead/the ovaries are all lazy/menopause has arrived.

Also some men have been known to acquiesce into suich crap of me and my wife and when mid age beckons.. go and get another wife or mistress who will give them the kid... Brad Pitt anyone?

To each their own...

What is wrong is underage or mature people having kids to access benefits ,...

Yeah each to his own I agree.And as I said I also agree that intelligent women who shaped the world had kids.Children are wonderful (I have kids and I dont think I am dumb heck I know I am not dumb).

Just saying lets not narrow the argument to; Intelligent Women Dont Want Kids.Of course we know most intelligent women have kids.But it is smart to recognise that you might make a selfish, uncaring mother and decide to spare the unborn child your non-chalance.I know people who see their kids as an inconvenience (not necessarily for intelligent reasons though).We need to see choosing to have kids as an important life changing decision and not something that comes as part of getting married or cos our parents want grandchildren.

Some people want just 1 kid not necessarily because of finances alone but cos they think thats the no of the kids they can conveniently nuture and love to the best of their ability. .Some women can nuture 20 kids conveniently.But Naija society except they feel she is TTC will hound someone with even one child to have more.

My mum keeps saying its over her dead body that I deliberately chose to have just jack and jill (her words).

biolabee: Lol!!

People like curie, marissa mayer, madelein albright..

Shaping the world

We just have caustic spitters here

Oga biola, I dont think the premise the of the research is that Intelligent women wont want kids.Loads of highly successful, intelligent women are mothers as well.Its more likely (not too sure I agree in totality too) though that an intelligent woman would recognise the demands of parenthood (same can be said for a man too) and decide I am not cut out for this.It does not matter what society thinks.Life and impacting our world is faaar bigger than having kids.

Loads of people have kids for the silly reasons and loads of people choose not to have kids for silly reasons as well.I had a colleague who thought she did not want kids cos she would not be able to travel the world if she did.Some also have kids as a retirement or pension plan.

LOL .Thats why its safer to buy yellow, green, yellow, orange and white. Then buy the more specific colours when baby gets here.

I hardly dress my daughter in pink anyway .I cant stand it when everything is just pinky pinky around lil girls .Even her room colour scheme is yellow and lime green with just dashes of pink.Sadly she is beginning to like pink.

I kinda agree that an intelligent woman would want kids cos she wants them, can cater for them and is psycologically mature enough to face the challenges of motherhood.Not because society expects her to have or have had children.Not the same as saying that unintelligent woman would be more disposed to having kids.

I know its alien to us but really not everyone is maternal.Does not mean they are selfish or horrible people, they just cant cope with the demands of being responsible for someone else and sometimes making heavy sacrifices (you should see my mum rolling her eyes when I say this ).Her Aunty's daughter told her mum to buy a cat if she desperately wants the patter of lil feet. .The whole family have demonised her that o ti sonu (she is lost) and am the only person who kinda sees things from her POV a lil.To be fair sha, she is very British (she is in her mid forties and has prob been to Nigeria twice) and I doubt if she would have been left alone if she lived in Nigeria.

jidegirl12: @CC .... You're very right. couldn't have said it any better. Some people will say I spoiled my kids but what are you supposed to do when 3 kids want different meals for supper or else that whining will drive you nuts!

Last night...Chicken nugget and fries, Rice and sweet & sour sauce and last one cinnamon and apple oatmeal. while we parents had completely diff meal, all made by moi

IMO..The problem lies with the wife, when you're OCD bout how you want your things done , it's very difficult to accept help even from your other half I tell you.... No matter how tuckered out I am, except I'm not home, I don't feel comfortable allowing hubby in the kitchen. As you can see the wife in question is playing superwoman and it's killing their marriage.

I tell you we are so rugged we do it in SUV trunk in the garage, laundry room, even kitchen ( going down things ) most times like thieves high school lovers. They know when we are in that bedroom, smart kids but we are smarter. Even tho hubby feels very uncomfortable with MY arrangement but still enjoys it after... yeah I know cos he will sex me all day after our wild sexcapade thanks to moi. I could've folded my hands too and s.educe my hunky personal trainer flunting his 20 packs at me everytime I go for Pilates. Jeez that guy's hot ... But I didn't.

OP so my advice goes.... Don't just fold your hands and watch things fall apart right before your eyes...make a move, every little thing goes a long way in a marriage, 'thing' : I meant touching, caressing, kissing, quickies and other little 'pitch in' gestures.....Because as it is your wife is carried away right now and when you detect a problem, you address it, doesn't matter who as long as one of you did.

That being said you're on your own if you make excuses for cheating, Lord knows those mofos only want your money and will never let go, then you're
Children are Amazing gifts that compliment marriages ( if you want one) but at the same time one of marriage 'challenge' .... You just need to have a plan I tell ya.... they ( child ;Dren) esp the youngest are so attached , that you'll be tempted to rip your weave out sometimes.. I see why people do ridiculous research & Ads bout them.

Jidegirl walahi you are something else .But you are right sha.I think chaircover nailed it perfectly.

OP, the most important and immediate action needed is to get those kids out of your bed.ASAP.Believe me we almost fell into that cycle (my daughter practically pushed my husband out of our bed and he was sleeping in another room).Its really tedious and tiring but it can be done.I made sure that never happened with my son and at 16 months he knows bed time means bed time in THEIR own beds.A couple not sleeping on the same bed for very very long periods kinda reduces intimacy (and intimacy is not just s..ex)

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Nice article greatgod, I am so guilty of the wanting to talk all night .If we dont thrash out issues, I could probably be awake all night.I am learning to let things go sha cos my husband is not much of a talker and I know I frustrate the poor guy by over analysing sometimes


As for chores, do people really sit down like a proper conference and allocate chores .Anyway sha different stroke s .Our method is whatever needs doing should be done by whoever is available and willing (often me sha ) at the time.I could spend 4 hrs today bulk cooking and tomorrow he makes breakfast (he makes the meanest eggs ever ).I could load the washing machine and he unloads.In short whoever is available is who does it.Though we both have things we are naturally disposed to doing.I think its odd actually allocating chores, reminds me of boarding school.

The classic pearl.Elegant and timeless.

Efemena_xy: You think they depend heavily on you. Do you really think if you weren't in the equation, they'll starve to death and their kids will be thrown out of school? Honestly?

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against helping out occasionally, but when it becomes a do-or-die affair, then you really need to take a step back and re-evaluate your situation and your pocket.

Sorry to say, but the general perception of Nigerians back home is that those in diaspora live on milk, honey and have deep, fathomless pockets that never run dry. If you let them, they'll leech you dry and come, say 10 years from now, you'll have nothing to show for yourself. Meanwhile, those you're 'helping' endlessly, go d[b][/b]on build houses, start their own businesses, drive posher cars than you, etc....and yet, will still demand you 'help' them feed and educate their endless numbers of offspring. Take a trip home and see for yourself. You'll be embarrassed at how much progress they've made with their lives compared to your[/b]s.

You might think I'm being unnecessarily harsh here, but ask yourself this: Has there ever been a time that family back home has said to you: "No, we're alright, you don't need to send us anything...but thanks for the offer."? If anything, they're master architects of sob stories and always need funds 'immediately' or yesterday.

Learn how to say '[b]No' if you really want to make something of your life, while you're young, fit and healthy.

Sadly@bolded is kinda true.I always tell people back home me I envy you,abi na una suppose dey send me stuff sef .Last time we went home, my Dad's old friend gave my daughter 50k for lunch (no one has ever given me £200 lunch money in the UK) So dashing is the norm that's why even some (I said some o) with good jobs still do fine barra (coporate begging).


.Its nice to help esp if you can afford it . What's money for if not to make life easy for yourself and most dearest? Your parents esp. Make sure you cover the basics, , food,healthcare and when you can extra.

kourt: )Nice stuffs! I love them....... Sry, jst saw ur email add.

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Hello luv,you can also check out my FB page, The Accesories Lounge.I have loads of designs on there, you can also send me an email on damsy4real@yahoo.com.

Thank you Olutiteminikan for being there for me when I need you the most.Thank you for working with me as part of a team,cos really its harder for one hand to carry heavy stuff.We have had our share of issues but thank you for understanding when I did not know any better.

We love you loads (and am sure bebe would pick you over me anytime ).

Ujujoan: Did he say Nigeria was an option BEFORE they got married. This is a very serious lifestyle change . . . It's not changing houses, it's changing environment/lifestyle.

The man took a big risk without a back up plan, he should live with that.

Uju but people should learn to be a bit flexible naw.As I said am not too sure on why he was the one who relocated but at least he moved unlike your Abj friend.No one is saying anyone's life should end when they get married (and this goes for the guy in this case) but sometimes in a marriage you cant just be rigid and say its my way or no way.

My husband warned me over the weekend to watch myself .So if it escalates further It wont be Dami even said bla bla.He believes they both have to talk and sort it between themselves as it affects them both.

I think its 4 in a pack not too sure.My kids are still little so maybe thats why I have not experienced such.Though my daughter is now protesting that she wants to do stuff herself .
I buy the higher quality like Andrex or Cushelle whenever they are on offer cos to me whats the point buying less quality for just a few quid less.My husband always jokes we wan dey chop toilet roll now abi .I never run out, at any point we have over 60 rolls and I will buy more as soon as its on offer.

I think touched on the most important things that could affect a marriage but CC has a point that actions speak louder than words.Studying your partners reactions in certain situations are often a dead giveaway of what type of person they are e.g. How does he react to people less priviledged than he is? The type of person he/she is a very important and you looking at does this person align with my purpose in Life (that means YOU must have a purpose.I might be castigated for this but I dont think my husband completes me cos he is only human afterall.I think he complements me to become the person God wants me to be.Alot of people put so much unrealistic pressure on the spouses by expecting perfection or that their lives would magically become perfect after marriage.Yeah by all means have standards but work on YOU as well.


It is good to look out and ask questions but as I said in a thread I created, marriage like life is dynamic and ever evolving.Marriage like life will throw up issues that are inexhaustible.

Practical Example:What schools will our kids attend before marriage, we agree private school cos public schools are so crap.7 years down the line, hubby is experiencing financial troubles, wife is breadwinner for now.She them insists that kids must go to private school as they agreed.If care is not taken, such a simple issue might degenerate into resentment cos the wife might think why cant we afford it, cos he is failing in his responsiblities.The best thing would be to deliberate on availabile resources and then look at working towards what the intial prefrence was.