₦airaland Forum

how're you Bumni? Long time no type

ALLIGATOR ENTERTAINMENT
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my jostick inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for w itnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his joystick in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

^good morning mcnepow, how was your night?

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https://serve.mysmiley.net/cool/cool0044.gif
newspaper pls

^good morning Skales

hakunajay: I have always said this and i will repeat it again! Grow up bin gbagbo! You are just a kid! This was the same thing i told dani1luv and he deleted my posts on his stupid thread just because he is a mod... You guys are downgrading the reputation of the jokes section of nairaland... A visitor would be right if he said the jokes section is made up of a bunch of young iddiioots after going through most threads. I'm so disappointed in you gbagbo! Please for God's sakes, there are other ways to be funny than showing your silly/unfunny character. Thank you!

What a way to discipline a self celebrated jokes "presidente"

Girlfriend Called her
Boyfriend
GF: Honey where are you ?
BF: I'm at the bank
GF: Dear, please I need 5k
to activate my blackberry, 3k to do
my hair and 10k
to buy a dress.
BF: Sorry, I meant I was at
the "bank" of a river..
Do you want fish ?

Nice one!

























































I mean, you xerox machine is just too active. Why not sell it now, it's young and working well.
Tasteless and dry joke. Filling up storage space for Seun.

BIN~GRA -1

Young Bin worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years, when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. "What was it honey?" She anxiously queried. He had an urge to stick his joystick into the pickle slicer. "WHAT?!" she cried. "Have you forgotten how much we have spent to get that joystick functioning at this level?". "Have you also forgotten how long I had to wait for it to start working? BinLaden, how could you do this to me? Please honey don't turn me into a virtual widow again." she cried. "Why not I suggest something to you my dear?......"

....to be continued

on the next episode "Bin's parents visits, Donko**** & his wife are involved. The saga begins"

VIAGRA FINALLY LETS BIN GET A SON

One day Bin & his wife got into a huge fight, the Bin called his wife a "bit.ch" and the wife called the him a "bast.ard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bit.ch and bas.tard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have $ex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dic.k".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dic.k mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the Bin was shaving and he cut himself, "$hit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "PHuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bit.ches and bas.tards, put your dic.ks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the $hit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen pHucking the turkey!

what a family

EXPOSED-BIN & THE 'PUNNY'

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pu**y to their design.

1. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit,

2. Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

3. Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within,

4. Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

5. Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell, threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

6. Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

7. Last was a BIN (yes Bin), dirty little runt, he sucked it and ph*ucked it, and called it a c*nt that's why he's always looking to harass the cute gals who make JS a joy to be in.

BIN GOES TO CHURCH

A true Story of why BinLADEN no longer goes to church

Bin showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co- workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had happened at church. They
didn't believe him, and wanted to know what really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the biggest woman I had ever
seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack, so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The
guys laughed and ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten up at church. Again
they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was
that same big woman with her dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that, so I shoved it back in."

The third week, Bin goes to work again with even a broken nose. His colleagues taunted him "don't tell us it has something to do with that big woman.
Bin replies "I didn't touch her skirt. "So what is it?" they queried, "I started minding my business since I understood her kind of person. And on Sunday after prayers
I observed her skirt was in her butt again so I advised the guy on my right to pull it out and the guy on my left to return it", he narrates. "When she turned turned back
they both continued praying while I got a fair spoil of her knuckles.

DON & THE DOC

That AWKWARD moment when your dermatologist just finished giving you a prescription, only for you to observe him intensely scratching his groin. And when you inquired, he replied "Yea brother, I truly don't understand this poo. It's never giving up"

SUICIDE MISSION

An Hausa man goes to a library to borrow a rent a book, the Librarian is Ibo. Here's the dialog.

HAUSA MAN: Please do you have a book on suicide?
IBO MAN: Sure, go left.
* Hausa man returns with the book, wanting to register it*
IBO MAN: Mister, what do you want to do with it?
HAUSA MAN: I want to commit suicide.
IBO MAN: (Stares at him for a moment) and asks "Who will return the book then? Will you kindly get out?"
HAUSA MAN:

WHAT A GOOD WAY TO DIE FOR BIN
Mrs. Bin is home making dinner, as usual, when Donko****** arrives at her door.

"Mrs Bin, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Don. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Mrs. Bin." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Mrs. Bin "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Mrs. Bin. Your husband BinLaden is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Donko*****.

"How did it happen, Don?"

"It was terrible, Mrs. Bin. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Bin. Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Bin... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

HOW TO BE HAPPY
If you want to be happy for a short time -GET DRUNK
If you want to be happy for a long time -FALL IN LoVE
But if you want to be happy forever
















DON'T EVEN THINK of these two

Five stages of drunkenness
-------------------------------

Stage 1 - SMART(e.g Killz)
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING(e.g Bunmioguns)
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH(e.g Otooro)
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF(e.g Donk*****)
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE(Bin projan Pres.)
This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know all the words.

DRUNK 1

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the
bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the
bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

"You idi.ot!= " "You're sitting on the mop bucket!

GWON-GWORO OR STH LIKE THAT


dedicated to all the 'aje-kpakos'

Was sitting close to a pal after watching the Arsenal - Milano match two nights ago and he called his fiancee who he just bought a car for recently. She's currently studying in Enugu and we were hearing some traffic noise virtually throughout the call and when I inquired she said "A gwon-gwo-ro has been blocking me for nearly 15 minutes now". I almost pissed my ar$e out.

ABA BOY 1



It was an ecstatic evening, an Aba boy who's a conductor went to a brothel, picked an ashanti and headed home. When they got home, the boy asked her for terms. The following dialog ensues:

ABA BOY: How muchu you dey collectu?
ASHANTI: N500 on mat N1,000 on bed
*ABA Boy gives her N5,000*
ASHANTI: Ok, that means five rounds on bed.
ABA BOY: NNAH! You thinku that I dey joku withu you? That amountu is for 10 ROUNDS on mat.
ASHANTI:

ABA BOY 2


An Aba boy was going to church one sunday morning. His Dad gave him two coins each of 1 Naira. 1 coin for tithe and the order for akara.

While on the way, he throws his coins up & down in excitement. Unfortunately one of the coins falls into a big drainage now he's upset. He takes off his clothes and dives into the drainage in search of the missing coins. A man walks by and is disturb at seeing the boy. Here's the dialog:

MAN: what's the problem boy?
ABA BOY: one of my coin fell into this drainage and all efforts to get it out failed.
MAN: ok, you still got one more coin right? You can pay your tithe with that one.
ABA BOY: SIR! Thank you. Don't you know that God's everywhere? He'll take that one, this one's for my akara.
MAN:

BANK PASSPORT PHOTO


A very rich but local Alhaji, decided to open a bank account after lots of adverts to him. He's asked to go and take passport photographs. When he reached the studio he is placed before the camera & he began smilling. The photographer was shocked, he asked he 'sir please did you say you need passport photos?' The Alhaji replies 'sure'. The photographer goes on, 'so why are you smiling?' The man replies again 'this fictures are for my vank account, and I want to be smilling to my vank always va?'

This highlights the lack of technological dexterity amongst our politicians

Two Nigerian Politicians traveled to Canada for a conference & they were not allowed to attend with their PAs.

After the first day of brainstorming, they need some cash to do some shopping. Now they are standing in a queue to use an ATM machine. This discussion ensues

Man1: Ah! I know your pin
Man2: and what is it?
Man1: it's **** (star into four) hahahaha, I'll steal your money
Man2: You're so dumb, you failed. It's 5073.
Man1: ??

Catch the laugh in here as this thread is a collective one, past and present.

SUPA STORY 2

Mr. Jide's a hunter who lives in a rural area. He's got a family of 12 besides his mother. His kids hated their grand mother. It happened that he lived during a time when there was lots of famine in his community as well as other communities around. He went into the forest in hunt for game but returned with none. The same senario continued for 3 consecutive days. Finally, he came across some mushroom poisonous & non-poisonous. He ignorantly picked all up because he could not see clearly due to hunger & tiredness.

When he got home, he passed all to his wife to prepare. He forgot to inform his wife that she needed to take out the poisnous ones. When he remembered it, the whole cooking was over. Just then a friend entered & told them not to worry, that the good mushrooms would out power the poisonous ones. But Jide was skeptical, but his wife said they should try some on bingo & if bingo never died after sometime then they can eat without getting scared.

So they passed some mushroom to bingo, he wasted no time in eating his porton. After 1 hour bingo was still moving around wagging it's tail happily. So they decided to eat, after eating everyone felt good. Not too long bingo was out of sight and suddenly a neighbour rushed to the Jides to inform them of bingo's death. Immediately they started inducing vomit but it never came. While desperate for anti-poison, their grandmother offered her bucket of urine to them which would serve as anti-poison. With alacrity they finished up the urine in the bucket & waited in queue as she supplied them more urine while they supplied her water to drink. 20 minutes later, a strange man visited them. The man's look was scary & out of fear they requested for more urine from grandma. Then the man suddenly said, please am sorry for the death of bingo. I mistakenly hit him.
'WHAT?' the Jides asked -they had taken enough grandma's urine therapy looking to vomit now again.

Moral: You may be in a seemingly fool's job, open you eyes. You never can tell.

^you'll finish your saliva for nothing.

swtchicgurl: much better, but, whats chucking my legs na

Naughty gal.

swtchicgurl: ok, but the hug is not tight enough

Hope this hug doesn't cause trouble. Making it tight & warm ain't the issue.

*hugs her real tight & pecks her on the forehead*

Feelings better?

swtchicgurl: of what? mtchew!

can't we just be friends?

Do I look like your enemy?

*hugs her*

Hope that makes you feel better huh?

swtchicgurl: not so fast! chill

I knew you'd be the first one to respond. Don't you get tired of this?

so I've been dinning with kids jambites all this while. SMH!

Well done bro.

ode remo: that is hard on you mehn, no love, affection and what not only sex,your hubby need education. sit him down and find way to talk to him on your feelings. 7/8 rounds a day, what is he ? a robot. marriage is more than sex.

The return of ROBOCOP

I support oderemo, additionally if you feel you alone can't give him exactly the kind of education he needs, try getting him to take tutorials from various websites. Just google them, you'd find a good number of them that can help him out. But be careful how you nudge him around before he starts thinking negative about you. I think knowing a mate well before marriage, would help solve some of this kind of problem. And now it has gotten to this stage, only good communication and patience can help.

All the best @OP.

mcnepow: Thank you
God bless u. .

All the time bro., I got your back.

dani1luv: Moved!!!

And who asked you to move my thread? You always want to bring my dirty linen outside, even when it's not washed. Okponu, you want to use this thread as April fool here in romance section? It ain't gonna work it's for real. Next time pls move it to sexualityanother section.