₦airaland Forum

I guess everyone will fall into the third category. With Nigeria's funny 'hammering' method, you just cannot predict when a large sum of cash would likely enter your account...so, why have your luck kept on hold because there's a maximum deposit limit on your account?

The banks themselves wouldn't want want to waste funds printing endless deposit slips. Majority of Nigerians don't do e-banking.

Saw this in Vanguard this morning and thought to share. I thought the Villa-Bombers missed giving the Assa-Senators many knockout punch but when you have things to hide, you are on the defensive and cannot really attack...

VILLA- BOMBERS: We really don’t
understand you fellow shareholders,
including those of you in hallowed
chambers. Contrary to your
insinuations, we are no rivals, hatchet-
men or attack dogs.
We are actually Siamese twins doing
the same different duties of media
publicity on public affairs for our
beloved CEO of this great multi-
national oil company.

Assa-Senators: Whether you are
rivals, attack dogs or defence bulls
make no matter to us. Just make sure
you direct your machetes and venoms
at those troublesome noise makers
and not this hallowed chamber, or else
you will find us too hot to handle. In
any case, you two are no match for us.

V-B: Ah, there you goof! We are
actually a set of quadruplets made up
of two sets of Siamese twins. With the
other pair who provides guard services
on information and political matters to
the CEO, we form a formidable
quartet. Oh, here they come!

A-S: You quartet look so militant. Are
you sure you guys have the blessing of
the CEO? Remember, the CEO is not a
bully, neither is he a lion nor a Pharaoh
and …

V-B: Hold it! How dare you? Do you
know the CEO better than us? So,
because he refuses to be Pharaoh, you
believe you can intimidate him with
those mere resolutions stenching from
that mere chamber of yours?

A-S: Chi-ne-ke-me-e! You have the
effrontery to describe the resolutions
the shareholders pay us so heavily to
make as mere resolutions? Have you
forgotten we can make life miserable
for you in that mere Villa with just one
resolution?

V-B: Ah, ah, distinguished men of
timber and calibre, respectable men
and women of Iroko and Mahogany,
have you no sense of humour? That
was meant to be a mere joke!

A-S: What an expensive joke! Well, be
informed that two can play at that
game. You shall hear from us when the
CEO visits with those mere estimates
in what you call the 2013 menu list.

V-B: There you go again, so full of
yourselves! For every little issue, you
go to town with your characteristic
unnecessary grandstanding and playing
to the gallery.

A-S: You guys are too sharp-mouthed!
As you rightly observed, we are men
and women of timber and calibre here.
So we would rather grandstand than
stand as mere rubber stamps.
Furthermore, the gallery in our
chamber is not for decoration but for
the shareholders to watch while we
take you to the cleaners. So what’s
wrong in playing to it?

V-B: You see what we mean? You don’t
even understand simple idiom! Not
surprising though, a good number of
you are illiterates!

A-S: You called us illiterates?

V-B: No, you said you were,
yourselves! A leader of yours so
confessed, publicly!

A-S: Come again!

V-B: Okay, we challenge you
individually to write your names.

A-S: You just wait! We shall not only
write our names, but we shall also re-
write those mere estimates which we
are aware you are only labouring to
intimidate us to rubber-stamp.

V-B: There you go again with your
usual pass time of grandstanding!

A-S: You ain’t seen nothing yet! We
shall also go ahead to mark out and
bench your benchmark with our
Marksman!

V-B: Mark you, our benchmark of 75
American Cowries in the menu list is
sacrosanct. Even the company
accountant and the central auditor
have endorsed it.

A-S: You are all members of Baba
Suwe group of jesters! You think we
are so cheap here? On 80 American
Cowries we stand.

V-B: What arrogance! So you believe
you know more economics than the
combination of the company
accountant and the central auditor?
Even fellow multi-national oil
companies like Algeria Petroleum,
Qatar Petro-Chemical, Saudi Oil
Resources, Venezuela Oil Company,
Angola Petroleum and Kuwait Energy
Resources have benchmarks of less
American Cowries.

A-S: Okay, 78 American Cowries; take
it or leave it! By the way, you haven’t
shown us the performance certificate
on the 2012 mere estimates.

V-B: Performance certificate? You see
who really are jesters now?

A-S: Don’t divert attention; let’s see
your performance certificate.

V-B: Walahi, talahi, this is now pure
drama!

A-S: Exactly! The drama of ignorance!
It is apparent that you are only barking
at areas which you are totally ignorant
about.

V-B: What pot calling the kettle black!
Illiterates talking about ignorance!

A-S: You only give yourselves away as
over-zealous body guards doing a
hatchet job in order to capture
relevance in the scheme of things.

V-B: Just as you are no more than
over-ambitious gun-jumpers using your
selfish ambitions to undermine
company issues. We see 2015 clearly in
all this gra-gra.

A-S: Clearly? It is much clearer you
guys are nothing but fifth columnists in
the CEO’s team. We are sorry for him.

V-B: We are also sorry for you as you
revel in your Project 2015 Waterloo!
We can only pity you day-dreamers!

A-S: You nko? All company
shareholders are aware of your
underground 2015 manouvres.

V-B: You lie! The CEO just denied any
knowledge about 2015 manouvres. He
would talk about 2015 in 2014.

A-S: Just as our Marksman shouted on
the rooftop that 2015 is neither on his
compass nor on his radar. The only
thing on the radar now is your
imminent off-loading.

V-B: There you goof again!

A-S: Surely, you guys still live in the
old world when the CEO played
barefoot with no pair of boots. With just
one of the many pairs he now owns, he
kicks you out. You are all goners!

V-B: You want to place a bet?

A-S: We shall see!


Mr. DELE AKINOLA, a public affairs
commentator, wrote from Lagos

www.vanguardngr.com/2013/01/if-you-villa-bomb-us-we-assa-senate-you/

lastpage: Hi kushbab,
Sorry about your predicament, that is "life' for you, ...shyte happenz, as they say!

Like people have advised, the Swab test is between 97 - 99.7% accurate (l read that from a Medical website).
Doctors have mentioned that the problem, when the test go wrong, are usually associated with the "chain-of-handling" process i.e.:

*Samples could be contaminated along the line, samples could be swapped unknowingly, final results could also be swapped, e.t.c, all giving WRONG RESULTS!

What people normally do to rule out "any-eventuality" is to take a second confirmatory test, using a different Laboratory/service provider and a different type of sample (BLOOD this time, its just a small jab on your finger, like a normal test).
On that note, l will suggest you ask your Dad that you take a BLOOD DNA test and use a different provider....just to play safe.


Having said that, there is already "an issue" on ground ....that is your relationship with your "physical Dad".
Whether we like it or not, there is ALWAYS something that draws us to or makes us want to find out who our real Dad is ...even if we have no bond with him whatsoever!

You will ALWAYS want to know, even if its for curiosity's sake, who your Biological Father is.
That one is your Mum's palaver, if you need to know.

But currently, that Man (current Dad, funny it sounds that way?) is the person you had bonded with all your life.
You see him as your Dad and he sees you as his daughter.

Right now, he is very ANGRY, DISTURBED, DISAPPOINTED, CHEATED ...AND PROBABLY RUNNING CRAZY WITH VENGEANCE! ...and truly so!!
We must try and see things from the other person's perspective, as well.
Put yourself in his "shoes", how will you be feeling right now?
By doing this, you will be able to cope with his "wrong disposition" towards you at this moment.

Believe me, HE STILL LOVES YOU DEARLY BUT HIS EMOTIONS ARE IN A STATE OF CHAOS RIGHT NOW.

You need to give him "time and space" to calm down and overcome his inner turmoil. He will calm down eventually.
(Dont go running to your Mum's people right now, some of them might cause you more emotional damage, seeing it as an opportunity to get their own pound of flesh back, from you ...since you did not come to see them all this while when things were fine or just to get back at your Mum!)
If you have a friend, colleague or neighbor you can stay with, please do ...and keep this thing "quiet" for now, from people in your "immediate environment"...for now at least, till your emotions are back and solid)

If l could talk to him, this is part of what l would tell him (and this is where him having "experienced and matured friends" that you can involve, will play an important role. A 3rd party will easily talk more sense into him, at the initial stage, than you doing it yourself):

1) I would ask him if he thinks you asked him or any one, to "father" you?
2) I would ask him if you are the one responsible or played any part in your Mum giving you to him ...and not the person that truly inseminated her?
3) I will ask him if you have ever displayed any symptom of 'you not being his child before'?
4) I would ask him if he has ever loved you less than "his daughter" ...till the DNA revelation came out?
5) I would ask him if he thinks it is right to punish you for the sins of your Mother?
6) I would ask him if he valued the relationship both of you have shared all this while/ in the past?
7) I would ask him that "if the next test prove he is your father", if he can undo any damage he is doing now ... and if he would love you as he did before?

I would ask him MANY other questions that time and space wont allow me to state here ....and l would make sure he ANSWERS EVERY SINGLE QUESTION, record the "Q & A" cum "counseling session" and ask him to play it to himself at least ten times, in the next few days.
The idea is to make him "reflect deeply".

When l see him again, l will ask him to tell/convince himself that he is NOT your biological father but he should consider you as an orphan/fatherless ....and as "a gift and responsibility", by the almighty, to care-for and nurture, on HIS behalf.

I would remind him that since you have NO HAND in the event that transpired, he must not allow those "event" (which are mostly in the past), to affect the relationship between the two of you. If YOU dont want him is another matter.

I will ask him and remind him that "what if" you happen to be the only child he has, will he disown you on the basis of this DNA result or would he patch-up with you?

I believe, with God's help, l can convince him to take the "Upper Road, be matured about his pains" (and they are eternal pains, believe me) and maintain his relationship with you. God would intervene. Your case wont be the first ..and wont be the last!

The next stage would be to also counsel YOU:
I can imagine how you feel and how easy it is to tell you "concentrate on your exams"!
Where is the concentration going to come from?
How can you concentrate when the whole essence of your life has just been shattered? The "world" you know is crashing around you right now!

We will sit down and discuss and try to get you over how you feel right now (LOST, UNWANTED, BETRAYED, UNLOVED, DISAPPOINTED, e.t.c)


The thing is NONE OF YOU DESERVES ANY BLAME IN THIS FIASCO.
YOU ARE BOTH VICTIMS OF EITHER A DELIBERATE ACTION OR A "MISTAKE", BY YOUR MUM.


We will then arrange a "meeting of minds" and reconciliation between YOU and your Dad.
There and then you will rebuild your relationship with him and trust me, it will even be stronger than before.


But for now, you have to be strong and keep reminding yourself that you have no fault or "cause" in all these.
Dont let any guilt creep on you, you are blameless in the situation.

Also, dont begrudge your Mother about this. Time heals most, if not all wounds.


Lastpage!

If you need to talk privately, you can PM me and l will get back to you.
I will even be in Lagos next week... and if that is where you are, we can work-out something.
Cheer up, its not the end of the world ...and if it is, the "blameless" will go to heaven naah!

Beautiful post. Advice and a offer to help emotionally. Simply beautiful...even though one rarely sees both lastpages again

There are devices that can be used to check if the battery is still functioning...let him take it to some computer repair technicians

Why would he return a gift? There are enough places in Uyo for him to take the lappie to and find out what the problem is.

It could be that the one to whom the contract of supplying laptops had substandard laptops amongst the geniune ones, it could be that the aides switched it (you know how some can be) or the battery was left in the laptop (thereby leading to discharge) and not removed prior to it being given out as a gift.

Has your uncle powered the laptop?

OP is this for real? Hilarious

13

Diced unripe plantain porridge

You can juggle being a good manager and all. Don't leave a vaccum

This aint new now...once you cross river niger...it's a common sight

*clears throat, closes eyes and backs out of thread*

I learnt nothing on this thread but a personal attack on Bro. Goshen

Saddening

@Goshen360...I like how you handle issues and even though no human is 100 percent right on the matter of the gospel (I am not in anyway referring to this thread), you have shown yourself diligent...It's a shame I no longer enjoy this section because almost everyone is puffed up with vain pride forgetting the babies that are still on milk!

@OP: I doubt these little things will hinder anyone from rapture and if it wouldn't...what joy is there in making a mockery of the gospel. To each his own but let us all be aware that the goal is heaven and arguments will not take us there...
I am everly fond of II Peter 1:5-9...special emphasis on 9...
No castigate me oh OP...we are still paddies oh but still...you know how I am on anything that isn't edifying and this isn't....in my humble opinion...

Shalom!

Don't you feel much better this way, ehn Cossy?

"Please" and "Thank you"...two magic words. I use it a lot. Whenever, I am in Lagos; I greet my parents after each meal, my parents greet me in return for cooking the meal.

Same thing in Uyo, I greet my younger sister for cooking and serving me and she in turn thanks me (I guess for providing the money). I thank my sister when I send her to the market to get foodstuffs for the house.

My boyfriend thanks me after he eats my meal and I thank him in return

I thank my younger ones with a smile when they do things for me, say please before sending them on errands...it makes them eager to do my bidding even if it inconveniences them a bit.

I thank my family friend's daughter who is 8, when she takes my bag from me whenever I go to their place or asks me how I am or helps me out in little tasks...she is always eager to do more..."Aunty Eno, let me help you", she'd say bouncing up and down in front of me.

Thank you said softly is simply uplifting. It uplifts both parties

2010...In a cafe during my youth service. Was looking for a writing site...actually thought Nairaland was a writing site and that Stephen P (then moderator of the literature section) was the owner of the site...

Didn't even see all other sections till later when I started to explore

In my opinion, no...

What does she need a bridal train at the court for? And why does she want to put on a wedding gown? Are you guys not going for a church wedding?

Na wa oh...why are some people castigating Ibinabo? We all don't know what nightmares she goes through...so please quit being hard on her...she can't just roll-over and die because of a mistake.

BTW...they all look good. It's nice to see them all coming together...even though Rita looked/acted a bit high...I like the casual nature of the event.

Perhaps OP, it's because you have found someone else with whom chatting is more interesting and this is diverting your interest.

I know for sure there's no one that can engage you 24/7, 365/366 days forever...the lull sets in and it's then that interestind diversions come to play...diversions that could lead you to a better path or leave you feeling empty.

babyosisi: I even see people keep apples and bananas and oranges in the refrigerator

But a good vegetable that does great in the fridge is plantain
Boy
They will last eh
If you buy ripe plantain and don't want them to turn rotten before you finish them,just put them in the drawer of your fridge
It will arrest the development and it can last up to 3 weeks
The outside may look black but the inside will still be good

Correct about the plantain...

Three real case scenarios:

1. When my momma and dad were still young in marriage, my dad told her he'd like it if she wore shorts (not bum shorts oh), she declined. Fast forward many many years later (they are still together oh), Airforce Base Hospital wanted all its nurses/midwives to have two sets of uniform. One set was a pair of white trousers and jumper and the other was skirt and blouse...when we all jabbed at momma, she could only stutter that it was work related...hehehehehehe

2. My family friend's late wife had the same issue. Now her husband is a chronic womanizer and even though he married her a virgin she tried all he could to keep him at home...now, she always wore long skirts and never put on make-up meanwhile she had a fantastic shape even after 3 children. When matter turned to matthias, no one told her to change her wardrobe and use a bit of make-up and become submissive to her husband and stop the comparisms...Now, she is late with her third child and even though the man still chases skirts but one can see that he deeply misses the woman she later became...the heavy tears he shed in our house early this year is testimony on how much he misses her.

3. Our former neighbour now a honourable had a wife who liked to dress drab and was an illiterate...when the man first clinched the councilorship before proceeding to the state house assembly, there were rumours that he was planning to get another wife, one who was literate and had a good dress sense, at least someone he could comfortably present to his political friends...no one told her to start part-time and change her dress sense...

Now, there are 3 things in common with these women...their upbringing. My momma has always been a sharp dresser just that she isn't a shorts/trouser person. You cannot say a woman who has had one upbringing should easily change to another.
No one even knows how she sees sex, is it something she abhors?
Does she cringe when the man approaches? When the man asked for the changes, how did he ask or present his case? Did he ask when the mood was light?
She probably would not have had a sex talk with her mother and even at that, I doubt many deeper life mothers will tell their female children to loosen up with their husbands...
She has had a mindset and has been formed in one way, any change should be gradual...for she is like a child in this circumstance.
In my opinion, a tiny wall has crept into this marriage, for if the woman yields against her wishes; she might resent her husband and if her husband doesn't have his way, he might resent her.
Also communication between the couple is greatly absent, for with communication she can state her case as regards the hair and earrings even as she concedes to a provocative wear(might not be bum shorts).

Now, the man saw a virtuous woman and decided to wed her, he probably chose her because he saw something he liked inspite of her attire. He saw a woman that wouldn't let him down spiritually etc and thought that would be enough but it wasn't. He wishes and wants more and first bottles it in till he cannot any longer.
Do they even go out together apart from church?
Has he ever put her in a light atmosphere?
Does she even know what he likes and vice versa?

These two people have been thrown together as a result of religious circumstance and even though both must work together, for now, it rests more on the man till the woman is gradually brought up to take responsibilty.

My two cents

Fiction right? Especially, the last two conversation

I admire her creativity and subtle sarcasm (perhaps that's why some people didn't catch on).
Very funny

chaircover: There is emotional and there is blackmail. We are all different and some of us are actually very emotional because thats just the way we are.

I cry a lot. Always have done and I doubt that it will stop anytime soon. It doesnt mean that I am doing it to blackmail anyone.

I cry when I watch things on TV. Just Friday I watched Skyfall in the cinema and cried thrice in that movie I wont say where cos I dont want to ruin it for folks who are yet to see the movie. Who crys watching James Bond? Thank God the place was dark and no once could see me crying

I cry when I watch survivor stories, I cry when I watch births on TV, I cry when I watch Air crash investigation; all sorts. Im always wiping my eyes and pretending that there is something in my eye. I cried when I saw my daughter singing in the Christmas School play and I cry when one of our tropical fish dies sef!

If Mr CC and I have a misunderstanding and I am right, I cry. If he is wrong I cry too. I def cry when I am accused falsely or my intentions are misunderstood . . .thats just me

So for me there is no emotional blackmail behind it. Mr CC is used to it and when the tears start flowing he will go and get tissue and cuddle me. Some of us just have very active tear ducts

Come oh...where in skyfall made you cry? That movie is not in my list of emotional movies self...Since, you have an active tear duct perhaps you should read books like Chicken Soup for the Soul...trust me, it'd be crying for a good cause...lol

My Lawyer friend who moved to US two years back was chatting with me recently and suddenly, he said;

Friend: Eno, I am leaving BBM...will no longer subscribe

Me: Why not?

Friend: They are killing me

Me: Who is?

Friend: Your fellow countrymen keep calling me...even the ones that rarely spoke to me back when I was in Nigeria

Me: Well, it's not a bad thing if people call you to wish you well na...what's your own self? (Emoticon with tongue hanging out)

Friend: you don't understand...insane requests! Even the rich ones that are richer than me keep calling me asking for dollars...

Me: LMAO...really? You self too dey pose for your dp na...but seriously, have you not told them that you don't pick money from the streets...? And besides, why didn't you tell me earlier, I should have joined in the queue; my voice would have been the loudest! You fall my hand...kai! I no sharp oh...

Friend: Witch!

Me: Wizard! But seriously, you have to be firm...you know how the Nigerian mentality is...take, take and take...

Friend: I have but they think I am trying to be stingy...I am leaving BBM finally because of them, changing my line, and will only be on my FB...will call you with my new line...but please if anyone calls you asking...you do not know, abeg!

Me: Aye...aye...captain

@villageboi: A Mount Zion Movie that was done in conjuction with Imo NYSC Corp Members has a better depiction of the NYSC Camp than Figurine...Just saying

Send Adele's 'someone like you' to the ex

Was it not P-square in an interview after their first or second album that talked on how they weren't given a chance. How they were chased out of the club they used for their 'busy body' video after their time had expired even after much begging and they had to continue outside with 'e don happen'?

VillageBoi: Hey Enoquin, a very Happy New Year to you too.

Hmmmmmm let me explain my reason for calling the film seriously good. Generally we have the habit of knocking Nollywood, most times, rightfully so but; and this is my big BUT... I have stopped comparing Nollywood films to anything other than other Nollywood films. At least that sort of levels the bar of expectations.

As of the time I saw 'LFTA' I consider what is actually out from Nollywood at the same time and what have I previously watched, from the Nollywood stables, that is what I use as my influencing factor.
Also credit has to be given to anyone that actually makes a film - even if it is rubbish. Credit for the effort because it is so difficult to make a feature film.

Many do compare our offerings to Hollywood films but even Hollywood seriously makes some shytty films. Are we 'there' yet? No. Will Nollywood get much, much better (in ALL aspects)? I think so.

Where is my 'shicken' na?

I do not compare Nollywood to Hollywood. Only very few Hollywood movies are worthy of mention but I love English movies, they always have a story, the plot and they are very creative. I have watched more than five (and I am currently watching one now) one location movies.

You'll agree with me that it takes a very story to weave a plot in one location and keep the audience still interested.
If you have not watched SITANDA, do and tell me what you think...that was the first AMBO movie.
Now, SITANDA came out same time with Amazing Grace. When I watched Amazing Grace and called it trash, I nearly got crucified. The Amata Brothers murdered 'our' dialect and I wondered why they were in the movie in the first place. There were also so many things and while I loved the pictures, I could find nothing else that gripped me. I watched Sitanda and was like 'now, this is a movie' even though it didn't have the publicity Amazing Grace had, it swept the awards that year with AG getting an award for cinematography only.
Now, Figurine had been hyped. My sister said, Eno please watch the movie and so on. I did and I must admit it was a mixed bag. The NYSC camp was a sham...I mean I saw only one Platoon. And I thought Kunle's arrogance was going somewhere but it didn't. The one thing Kunle likes making original though is the kiss.
Now, the house? No...no...no. Please tell me if you would have chosen that.
So, all I want from Nollywood is simple...get a good story, look for good locations, get good actors and shoot and try to stay within the boundary of edutainment.

P.S They should avoid extremes in costumes. I wonder how many housewives wear heels in their own houses or dress heavily. It's either rags to depict a poor person, housemaid, mechanic or beggar and scanty or heavy attires to depict wealthy people.