₦airaland Forum

Am i the only one who thinks differently on this, and i believe this type of indulgence is why mediocrity will continue to wax stronger and stronger in this part of the world. Haba!, a full grown-up man behaving childishly, even, some children know when to respect one's privacy and marriage. The guy is simply st.up.id, how on earth can a full grown up man just enter a couple's room without knocking or banging the door on a couple when the door is locked, even, if hes both their parents and hes the one feeding them, courtesy demands that he gives them their deserved respect. And why do i feel that, hes intentionally doing it to frustrate either or both of the couple wickedly.
Well, as for me, i wont condone it, i wont even tell hubby about it and im certain that it will only happen one time, yes, i mean it just once, there wont be a repetition of such st.upi. dity if im the one involved. "ijo ti a ba ribi ni ibi nwole"
"Nkan ti eeyan o ba ni gba ni olowo, talaka la tii nkoo".
@op, its never too late, face your fear once and conquer it forever. How? Call him"brother so...so), "i want to see you, i dont like the way you just enter our room without knocking, you have to realise that im a married woman and your brother is a married man, we are both legally married and we have the right to anything that may be happening indoor, without apology to anyone, and distubance from anyone, you inclusive, so, give us our deserved respect in order to have your own respect intact. Action and reaction and always equal and opposite. A word is enough"
when your hubby comes from work, tell him what you told his brother and how you told him(if possible, record you converation with you BIL and play it to your hubby when he comes back)
Approach him with all humility and do not raise your voice at him except he reacts otherwise. If hes an honourable and respectful man, he will apologise and refrain from such action. If hes not, then he need to learn it the embarrassing way, by asking him to go out the next time he tries that.
Meanwhile, you have your roles to play, if you still want him to be washing yur hubby's clothes, get a laundry basket and put it in the passage/verander, therein, you pack your hubby's clothes and therein he picks them up, and when hes thru with ironing. Tell him, to leave them in the sitting room, that you will pack them inside from there, or betterstill, get another person to do the laundry and pay for it.
Wishing you goodluck and blissful marriage.

Baba Oyo: What is insulting about the write-up?
Are you not aware such women exist in real life or what?

@Op...I like ur summary of the various characteristic of some married women these days.....nice eye opener for the bachelors!!!

Olorun o ni je ka gbe egun elegun o

@baba oyo, how you dey?long time.

LWTMB for this thread!

coogar: yeah right!
there's a difference in what they don't like doing and what they cannot do. there's no way any grown woman would not know how to do basic cooking, cleaning and washing.

hey cougar, just hold it "ibi ti eeyan ba rin de lo ma ri de"
There was lady when we were in the Uni, that came to school with 2 househelps, she couldnt do nada, i mean it, the househelps cook, washes plates and clothes, including the undies, cleans their 2 bedroom flat, goes for shopping, etc, she was completely useless, infact, one of the househelps was a secondary school graduate, she used to ask that particular one to be reading her notes to her hearing.......... So, just hold it, some, as someone said are not just domesticated at all.

So @op, what type of husband are you
And if you are a woman, what type of wife are you

Wishing him speedy recovery

Is the guy the president of "teamgarri association of Nairaland".
Weldone.....mr presidoooooo
Oye a mori o

@op, tell your friends to show that grandma more love, more affection, be more generous to her.
Personally, i dont believe in that BS that one is a witch and that one is responsible for another person's problem. We are all the product of our thought and actions. Lets all try to be positive oriented and positively progressive.
As for those relatives of his that have certain problems, let them examine themselves.
And if not satisfied then he can go ahead with what cougar said.
May God help him and all of us.

@op, how do you cope

You cope with love, you have married her, its difficult to talk about divorce because of this, all i can say is that, you try to overcome bad with good, afterall love conquers all, you love her, that is why you married her, so you can lovingly make her change.
So, you can try these
Since she wont cook, when you want to prepare food(if you know how to), invite her along and let her know shes the one preparing the next time, and gradually reduce the number of times you go to the kitchen.
Call her from work that you are coming home with some friends from work, and therefore should try to make the house neat and also prepare food for them before your arrival.
During weekends, take your own broom and give her her own broom, tell her the area you are going to sweep and the area shes going to sweep, and also, gradually reduce it, but that does not mean you wont assist in the house chores o.
Never bother about her washing your clothes, but as for hers, always tell her that you dont want/like dirty clothes hanging all around the house.
If after all these, she still do not change, invite her friends home, without informing her, shame will catch her when she see them and how the whole house is.


As for hussling for money, set up a business for her and let her realise that the money used is a loan and that a certain amount must be remitted monthly in a certain account, so as to stand firm in the business and not squander everything, and if after the condition, she still squander all the capital and the profit, then try not to make her very comfortable financially again, if she complains, make reference. Simple.
With these tips, hopefully, she will change.
May God help you o. Amin.

ekenedegreat: She was a good lady during courtship dat was why I married her.

a good lady in what sense(s)

This lady called Kim just like trying wierd things.......

Get her closer to you, either by coming back home or arrange on how she will come to you over there.
May God help you.

Personally, cheating will hurt me more.
As per lying that you are wealthy or rich when you are not, that is the person's problem, im not in any way going into any relationship with anyone because of his financial status. I have been trained to make my own money myself, i have the belief that i can achieve whatever i want to achieve in life without any financial expectation from any man, so lying about his financial status cannot directly affect me but cheating on me can and will directly affect me, psychologically, emotionally and physically.
May God help us all

@dayokanu, it wasnt stated by the op that his wife is the troublesome type. If it was the wife that is troublesome, the wife wont pack out of the house, the wife will taa tan with the sister, it will be like "were pade were", but in this case now, the wife packed out because shes tired of the trouble of the SIL, she doesnt have that strentgh for exchanging blows and kicks everytime.
Also, if the wife is the troublesome one in the house, the man wont be yearning for her return
And also, the man that should have put things right is a weakling, so, what do you want the wife to do To stay behind and get killed by the SIL or what
May God help us o

yellowpawpaw: I can't imagine what I'm reading here!how selfish can pple be. I hv a father inlaw and if he chooses today to live with me till death,I will be so glad to welcome him.I planned after my weddin that my mum will live with me and visits home occasionally.unfortunately,she kpeme.
Back to d topic,I'm against what d sis did and d man not acting up but common this is family.so bc I'm married my family should go to hell.d wife has family too and heaven forbids they rnt financially bouyant,she will abandon them abi bc she is married?I've seen many younger ones livin with their big bro or sis that's married.see everybody acting"its my house,I'm d ceo" everybody is heapin blame on d sis and hubby,I blame them too but do we know d kind of woman she might be? A jez?
And my point is,I will never forget my family cos I'm married. My pple usually say that one person no dey marry wife.nuclear family really?

did you read the original post i beg you to read from there and get what is really happening in that home.
God bless you. Amen

mysticgal: Thanks alot this advices will help

you are welcome.
How far now
Hope you are stronger now
The Lord is your strenght, never give up.
Its not over until you win.
Bless you!

Ujujoan: Even if it's his child, makes no difference . . . any child under my care is my own child and I will discipline like I discipline my own children. Don't need any man's intervention for that!

This is beyond maltreating a family member, it's about adult learning how to respect boundaries. I have elder brothers too and I don't go to their home to cause problems for their spouses.

People should learn to know their places and stay there . . .

thank you, im trying not to step on toes here and that is why i took it easy with this thread.
Seems many dont really know/understand keeping of spaces/boundaries. If that "yeye" sister is not up to something, she will not sit back comfortably in her brother's house, knowing fully well that shes the cause of friction in her brother's marriage.
Therefre, i have come to the following conclusions..........
Its either......
1. The sister is extremely shameless and classless.
Or
2. The sister does not like/respect/approve the wife from the very beginning, hence, her not giving her rest of mind in her home.
Or
3. The sister has another lady in stock for her brother, hence, trying to make the home uncomfortable to the wife to the extent of her and the kids packing out of her hubby's place, when the problems from her SIL was too much for her and the kids.
Or
4. The sister is too selfish and extremely jealous of that wife and does not want the brother to have any other financial responsibility apart from her own financial responsibility.
Or
5. The sister want to marry her brother herself (though very strange) but nothing is impossible..
Or
6. The sister is implanted in that house to be a bone on his neck everytime, to always block her brother's happiness.
Or
7. The sister does wish her brother well at all, just pretending that she wish him well, hence, always ready to fight whoever want to give her brother happiness to the extent of them packing out, abi, what happiness remains for the man when his wife and children are out of his sight.
In conclusion, let the man do the right thing and put everyone in his/her rightful places and if the sister no get shame at all, she can come and borrow from mine......lol....

natasha: Unfortunately the man has shown himself to be a weakling, both to the wife/wife's family & to his sister/his family. That he let this issue degenerate shows he cannot protect his wife. He has decided he is powerless to do anything and in effect he's let his sister run his home.
Your sister is your YOUNGER sister and as such should respect your decisions and take orders from you. I will give you an example of my marriage, My BIL (Hubby's elder bro) used to live with my hubby for about 3 yrs before hubby met me or even married me. Shortly after our marriage, hubby travelled, and his brother ( We were leaving in peace before hand o, no problems what so ever) began having issues with me and he was very influenced by another cousin of my husband. His brother used to bring prostitutes to my home and wont pay them and they will cause issues the next money because of non-settlement, all of which i would pay them 2 settle d matter. But all in all, i kept my hubby upto date with his brother's behaviors whilst not picking a fight/quarrel with this guy (he is my hubby's jobless elder brother) one evening, the troublesome cousin came and it looked like they had planned whatever, and something very trival, my BIL slapped me, i immediately called my hubby and he asked for soldiers to lock his elder brother in the guardroom (hubby is in the military). He was locked up for 3 nights. Obviously my inlaws were livid and huffed and puffed and ranted but since then, they have all accorded me my respect as a wife. He moved out a week after he was released .I never apologized to my BIL nor did he apologize to me but we still talk albeit within boundaries. Now all of this happened within 1 month of our wedding, there were no children involved, i wasnt even pregnant yet hubby took a stand which earned him respect amongst my family and even in my sight + more bonus points in bed when he returned.
My point is, your sister has a place to go, her PARENTS house is her HOME. She is a woman, why should she be in her brother's house when her parents house is there? You are not throwing her out on the streets, the money you would use to rent an apartment for her you can send that to your parents as a monthly upkeep (if you are that concerned).
If this was happening to your sister, would you be pleased? would you be happy that your sister is been maltreated by her inlaws with a husband who couldn't care? you only want your wife back in the house to keep your bed warm not minding the fact that you have created a deadly, unhealthy environment for her to live in. You dont even consider your kids!!!! what man chooses his sister (who tomorrow would marry somebody and her husband could say i dont want your family in my house and she would happily obey after destroying your marriage) over his kids? you dont even consider what this is doing to your children? Abegi a word is enough for the wise!!!

God bless you greatly, this is all im saying.
The man is weak, the sister is shameless and dominative and the wife is not asking for too much if she decided to teach the man how to take decision on whoever he want around her, whether his immediate family(wife and children)or his sister.
A word is indeed enough, but that is if he is wise enough.
May God help them o

[quote author=baby_123]My own interpretation of African culture is that a woman that can move out of her husband's house is not ready for marriage and is childish. Also taking the kids will imply in some places that the kids are bas*tards. Is it not this same African culture that berates women who have been abused for divorcing? Ahn ahn, it is her house. Clearly, the sister is not going anywhere. So how long will she stay out of her husband's house to prove this point The guy needs to talk to both parties very well. Sister needs to respect herself and know her boundaries. Wifey has to tolerate for now. We can't say what caused their fight. Will you look on if someone beat you, because they are your brother's wife? Or will you look on if someone slapped you because they are you husband's sister. Its wrong. Both of them disrespected the guy.[/quote]abeg, we are willed-stronger than each other, some people dont have strentgh for trouble, they will rather leave until the man do the right thing, no two individuals are the same, at initial stage, when the man discover that the two are never in agreement, he should have done something to prevent this type of BS.
I wouldnt totally blame the woman, who knws, whether the sister is a giant and the wife is like an ant and the man inbetween is weak. Abeg.

[quote author=baby_123]In Nigeria? Job? You do know how many graduates are trekking here and there looking for job. Wifey saw what she was getting into and jumped right in. It is not the sister's job to run after a woman that abandoned her home, and is childish enough to use little kids as bargaining chips. It is up to the man to make both realise that they will have to accomodate each other temporarily. It is his home, he has to fix it, and diplomacy is key here. Both need to respect themselves and get along. And that is possible. Men will never get to blows like this because they are not petty, jealous and quarrelsome like women.[/quote]baby, lets leave job hunting out of this please, if the man dies today, wont the sister find her way?the fact is that, the sister does not like the wife from Adam and maybe, only maybe, she has another lady in stock for her brother. I think selfishness, pride and intolerance is characterised in the sister's behaviour.
Anyway, as you have pointed out, let the man fix his house, but im sure this will not be possible if the sister does not leave the house, the man should try and get a new place for the sister and bring back the wife. Having the two of them under the same roof is like living with fire, those two(sister and wife) may never be friendly again, so, get that right"a o kii fina sori orile sun" abeg, that man sef, he suppose to have done something spectacular about it before it generates to this level.
Lets forget about the sister not having a place to go, if the man dies today, she will get herself fixed up.
May God help them.

[quote author=baby_123]So the sister should go where exactly ? Stay on the road? If she goes home, do we know if her parents can afford to take care of her? Didn't wifey enter the house and met the sister there? Why didn't she protest loudly before marriage? Honestly, I detest fake people. The wife is a fake person, she wanted to get married at all cost. Tolerance from both parties is the key. Will you throw your own sister out when she has no where to go? I won't, so I can't act righteous on this one. It is a temporary situation, everyone will be fine eventually. Sister should respect brother's marriage, and wifey should respect husband's family and treat them like her's. Shikena. Men, make sure your wife loves your family and doesn't have problem's seeing or accomodating them. Same for women.[/quote]baby, agreed, the wife did a mistake by moving in when the sister is there, but the sister made a bigger mistake by exchanging blows with her brother's wife, if she really respect and appreciate her brother, she wouldnt have done that, and he biggest mistake by letting the conflict get to the stage where the wife have to pack out with the kids.....ha!baby, isolenu niyen, the wife packed out because of her husband' sister trouble and the sister stayed put comfortably,Haba!this is africa.

[quote author=baby_123]Everyone should simply respect themselves. The wife moved into the house where the sister was living. So really, she can't demand too much. If she wanted to make a point, she should have demanded the girl leave before moving in. Not after having two kids and using them to blackmail the husband. That is wrong. All parties have a role to play in the man's life. None can be thrown away because another can't tolerate. If thewife dumps husband tomorrow, where will he run to? Most Nigerian parents of average means put all their finances on one child, in the hopes that when he makes it, he can uplift the others. So Mr. Man, let everyone respect themselves. If your sister goes home to report all these going on in anger, the house may become too hot for wifey to stay. Depends on the family. And a woman that can easily leave her husband's house like that, men, I don't know. You cannot turn around and shout foul over a situation you accepted before marriage. Be a man, and put everyone in their place. Let your sister get a job and then move out. Infact help her to get one so she can get her own place faster. You don't know tomorrow o. She may be the one who will feed you. Such is life.[/quote]thanks baby, i get your point quite right, but i think, if the sister does not have a hidden agenda, like she want to marry her brother or she has another woman for her brother(either of the two) she wont feel comfortable staying with her brother after the wife left with the kids, she should be the one running around on how the conflict will be resolved, rather than staying there comfortably, she just want to implicate herself by continuing to stay there when the wife had already moved out because of her. Haba!shes an adult now, a graduate.
May God help them o

@op, your wife left home with your two little kids since April, and your sister(a graduate) stayed put, does she want to replace your wife Are you sure she is not interested in marrying you
Do you think, in your wierdiest imagination that you are doing the right thing by allowing your sister to stay with you after your wife left home with your kids Was there marriage counselling befre you get married? If yes, were you not told that you shouldnt allow third party in the early years of your marriage

Infact, you as a man, really fall my hand, i think you should be able to understand the message your sister is passing across to you.....SHE WANT TO MARRY YOU,if not, she wont be happy that your wife left home with YOUR kids and she stayed there with you, a full grown up graduate woman.

I wonder the type of education she passed through.

MRbrownJAY: @OP
no wonder your sister doesnt respect your wife, when you accept that she insults and beat the mother of your children. i guess RESPECT is out of fashion where come from. you should have NEVER gotten married with so much issues in your life. then you wonder why divorce are on the rise when men have absolutely no clue as how to treat and respect their partner.

the day you decide to be a proper HUSBAND, is the day you will have a chance of sorting this BS. your freeloading sister should find herself a LIFE after 8yrs, or at least let you live yours.

the sad fact is that YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION......your family or your sister.

coogar: send your sister packing, mate!!!
what kind of human being is she? she must be proud to have been responsible for breaking your home and you sat there like a wimp doing nothing about the situation. men like you should be tied to the back of a lorry and dragged on a trunk C road.

uboma: Your situation is delicate indeed and should be treated with wisdom and caution. Your wife and children are ur primary responsibility as a married man and father. By all means, get your wife back even if it means you go and borrow to rent an apartment for ur sister. If borrowing is not an option for you, then send ur sister back to your parents. Luckily for her, she is thru with schooling and is awaiting a job. While the search for a job continues, she can learn a vocational skill like sewing, catering services and the like that will put food on her table and money to buy necessary stuff.

may God bless you these posters, and for you the op, you are so lucky to have the best advice you could have gotten. I am sure and very certain that, even, if you have consulted a certified marriage counsellor, this is what you will be told to do.
YUR IMMEDIATE FAMILY SHOULD BE YOUR PRIMARY AND FOREMOST PRIORITY, others are secondary.
And come to think of it, you have even really tried for your sister and if shes a shameful person, she should be ashamed of herself for being respnsible for putting asunder in your marriage, after all you have done for her. If she realy loved you as a brother and want your goodness at heart, she wont stay back and allow your marriage to hit the rock because of her selfish and proud attitude.
@op, the fact is that, your sister see your wife as her rival and you know what transpires between rivals, so, keeping the two of them afar each other is what can guarantee your peace and happiness in your marriage to an extent, except she (your sister)want to MARRY you herself.


May God see you through this and give you the wisdom to act appropriately.

@all parents, this is what favouritism and preference among one's children causes and its high time we, as parents start changing our attitude and orientation as regards this, even, if we, as human human beings are naturally like that, because of the differences in attitude of this children, we dont have to make it so open and obvious to the extent of one hating the other or one feeling like committing suicide.
May God help us all.

Though, its wrong for your parents to like or prefer your brother to you, its wrong of them to show favouritism and prefence openly, but why dont you emulate the good attributes of your brother instead of hating him. He has done absolutely nothing to deserve your hatred, so stop hating and start loving and emulating him to attract your parents' love also.
Meanwhile, approach your parents humbly and let them know that, they are killing your moralle by ignoring you and showimg favouritism and preference to your brother and promise them to have a change of attitude henceforth.
Also, tell them to always pray for you and you also pray to God to melt, change and renew your stoney heart.
May God help you and all of us.

Proverbs 20:20.............whoso insult his/her father or mother, his/her lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness.
However......
Ephesians 6:4..........and you fathers(and mothers) provoke not your children to wrath(anger) but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.


Inasmuch as it is very wrong for children to insult their parents, the parents also should endearvor to train their children in the fear of God and in such a way that their morales/self esteem are not tampered with or destroyed.


Op,Why will the father here have to run after the girl with broom before he can correct her, it means something has been wrong with their relationship all along. The father supposed to have adopted a more matured approach to correcting the girl.
May God help them and all of us.

Soo touching!!!
I just dont know what to say/type, but i pray that you will never lose any other child again in Jesus name.
#hugs........love you, you are a real sweet mother.

amtheone: Thank u all for suggestions and good wishes.

For the pains, she has run all the neccessary tests and scan which the doctor confirmed that there is nothing wrong with her. That the pains are as a result of changes in her system.

After reading those links u guys directed me to, am more prepared now than ever to go all out in making sure she gets d best treatment from me.

Let me quickly boil water for her to have her bath and prepare her breakfast before she asks what have I been doing on phone since oh - Lol.

God bless you for this and you will definately not regret your kind gestures. Keep it up.


You are the real man!

Congratulations for safe delivery.

Olorun a je ki won gbo.(May God let them hear).

The truth is that, when a man gives such a condition for marriage, it means the man never really loved the lady, what the man wants in the lady is the ability to be a baby machine., not a genuine love for her
Ladies, beware.
May God help us all.