₦airaland Forum

You can run your home as you and your wife want it to be run.

Your opinion of how other husbands and wives should run theirs does not count.

And for you to think that your dïck will shrink from doing the dishes is a sign that you are very insecure in your 'manliness'. Maybe you have some growing up to do first?

Just say that you are too old and too ugly for her and on top of that randy instead of painting her to be a bad mother. Nonsense.

When Regina came into the picture, it was obvious Laila was overjoyed to be released off her 'duties'. No loving wife could be seen so happy with a new co-wife. Idiot.

Let's see how long Regina lasts.

MMotimo:
I know you didn’t ask me but permit me to respond to this.

There might be exceptions but I believe that zero beating would work well for the vast majority of kids if parents provided adequate support in other areas. From personal experience, we’ve practiced almost zero beating in raising our kids. Each child has probably only received one or two spankings in their lifetimes and they were all thanks to me. A big part of the lack of spanking with our kids is that they easily responded to verbal reprimands so any spanking would have been overkill. Beating is often more an expression of a parent’s frustration.

I have come to interpret the “spare the rod, spoil the child “ in a non literal manner. The rod , IMO, is not just a physical cane, it is all the things you can “spare” that can end up damaging a child’s psyche. Moral, emotional, spiritual, financial support are all “rods” that parents cannot afford to spare in order to avoid damaging “spoiling” the child and creating monsters. Our society is quick to jump on the literal, popular meaning while neglecting a slew of other supports needed to raise well-adjusted kids that are not “spoilt.” Spoiling the child is not only avoided by spanking. Actual progress is supplying what it takes to parent a child in all spheres. For example, spanking a child for chronic theft makes no sense if you have not provided food and the basic necessities PLUS taught the concept of contentment.

As for strangers correcting, depends on the type of correction. Physical is an absolute no-no. I would never put my hands on someone’s kids, even nieces and nephews and I expect others to keep their hand off my kids. With that said, depending on the circumstances and the age of the child, I might say something but never to a child whose parents I do not know unless it was a controlled setting like me teaching in a Sunday school class or some other sort of parent supervision setting where I’m volunteering. I would not reprimand the child of a total stranger outside of those settings.

I love it!

Magnoliaa:
That one is tricky. And I don't know if there can be a constructive and positive beating oh, but yeah, I get if there are other means of training kids, effective ways actually, they should be employed. Beating is a lazy, quick-fix cop out. Because if the same goal can be achieved without beating, then what is the point?

You have actually said it all here. This is how I see it. But let me respond to your questions.

The Nigerian style of parenting is a unique style that is funny to watch. I think they are permissive authoritarians, sort of. Thing is, both authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting will lead to issues like this, but trust the pro-authoritarians to conflate authoritativeness with permissiveness. And believing that it is not beating children - a foreign style - that is the reason for this. Meanwhile, beating children, asin torturing them and leaving them be (no beating, no shouts, no rules, zilch) will both cause issues like these as far as I'm concerned. Just two sides of a coin.

A question: do you personally believe there should be ZERO beating? Or you believe there are some cases, rare instances, where the cane would be justified? What do you make of the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' phrase? Also, what do you think of a stranger correcting a child? Whether the parents are around or not - is that right at all?

It is best to do without beating but I can understand when parents reach their limit and out of frustration spank a toddler mildly. Kids can drive you crazy when you are stressed. It should be an exception though. The spanking is a symptom here that something is out of order and not a sensible solution.

I think the 'spare the rod, spoil the child' phrase has been abused for too long and is an excuse for parents to be lazy and abusive in their parenting style.

A stranger can correct a child as in reprimand it but should never lay his or her hands on someone else's child.

MMotimo:
Similar to another sentiment that says your kids have to suffer for them to be emotionally strong and for them to be appreciative of their privilege/advantages. #urbanmyths

Yep.

It's like saying that you first need to damage your car for it to drive better.

Magnoliaa:
This is an angle I'm interested in as well. Although, in the case of those particular boys, IF THE SPECULATIONS ARE TRUE, that one of the boy's parents came to pick him up and to fly him out, and the others are hiding the other kids - then there is every reason to believe the parents are culpable here. And even breed such behaviours in their kids. I cannot imagine covering for a child like that. This is criminal. The parents should have come out or clean, releasing their kids to the authorities or reaching to the victim's parents, assuming their kids ran away and they don't know of their whereabouts? Just anything to show that they are not in support of their children's acts or whatever, assuming they were the kinds who just so happened to have kids who went the bad side despite all discipline and good training.

From all indications, the parents in question have done none of the above. Who are they? I mean, look at what Ireti Doyle did concerning her own swindler daughter too. She came out to disassociate herself from the girl, so that people can see that, 'Look oh, this is what my child did and I'm not in support.' And a good parent would go further to be open, looking for means to help the victims find closure. 'Here's my child. I'm handing him over for killing someone. Oh, I don't know where my child is, but I'll do everything within my power to flush him out, maybe cut off some things I'm providing for him. I'm ready to work with the authorities. Oh, thank God you've caught my son. Yes. Let him be arrested and tried. Let him face the law and the consequences for his actions. I have the money and means to help him, but I won't...' You get. Just DIFFERENT ways the kind of parents you're talking about might have acted. If they are good parents and were efficient, but had kids who still went awry by virtue of their nature, then they should do right by the society and their neighbors by handing over such kids. For punishment. For correction. For reproof. That is what is right and just and ethical. Since it's gone beyond a civil matter, or slight misunderstandings, and has resulted in the death of another individual and a significant threat to the society (cultism), then consanguineal and parental/maternal/paternal feelings of protection should have nothing to do with the issue anymore.

I agree.

What I disagree with is that you need to beat kids to instill values in them and to teach them empathy.

Teachers must be trained to deal with the problem professionally. If all parents get involved, it will be a war.

cayorday89:
At times we need to look beyond the personality of the person posting or creating a thread, if the topic is worth commenting on we should do because issues like are what many people face but don't know where to turn to, but they coming across it will help in their decision making.

I don't care about the personality of the person. I just think that the story sounds like fiction.

sisisioge:
Because of the dastard act they committed. Do you know that behaviours are shaped by the consequences we ascribe to their outcomes? Children who have been taken through the principle of behavioural reinforcement will already know that there would be consequences for their ill actions. For those who have been getting away with their ill behaviours, they tend to continue in that fashion.

For example, those kids broke their fellow kid's legs knowing fully well that that kind of injury could not be hidden, they left bruises on his body....they feed him poison...haaa, dont you think if they knew they would be purnished for melting torture on their colleague they would still have done it? They probably have done so.ething like this before and were not reprimand.

Back in the days, it was a taboo for my sister and I to fight....when we fight, we get beaten regardless of who was in the wrong. We were conditioned to expect punishment for acts of violence....as such, I grew up disliking violence. I will rather discuss the matter or completely avoid it as if my mom will still beat me if I fight. It is well.

I have friends and know kids who have not been beaten once and would never inflict such pain on another human being. This lack of empathy is not the result of a violence free upbringing but rather the result of it. But who knows ...

sisisioge:
My sister, I couldn't help crying.....it is so sad. Do you know that some parents are wary of correcting their erring kids in this same Nigeria? As in they dont want to get in that situation where they put their feet down and get the kids corrected because they dont want to seem to hash on their lovely kids. No one is saying you bring back those abusive beatings we took from our parents but hey....the good old rod will always discourage bad behaviour. See now....see our society, see the leaders we are breeding for tomorrow. Children are supposed to be sweet and innocent fa....people are now raising cold blooded killers! May God help us.

How do we know their parents didn't discipline, correct or even beat them?

Pinkzebra:
What did I enjoy about being pregnant ? Like seriously? Absolutely nothing! Pregnancy do take a toll on me , from conception till birth . Then the sleepless night when the baby won't sleep .
I keep telling people I am so done with pregnancy as if that will automatically just make pregnancy scared to catch me .

All three trimesters equally bad?

abimic:
I have this friend whose pregnancy didn't really affect her much while I have another, from the beginning till the end, na from one complain till the other, but unfortunately, her husband is abroad. Me no like too much stress o .. Make wifey pity us

This is really unfortunate. A caring husband can help a great deal.

ModelLook:
But if the Parents had trained their children well from the start, don't you think there won't be anything like CULTISM being practised by them in the first place.

After all, charity begins at home.

A well brought up child shouldn't even think of anything related to Cultism at that age.

Some people turn bad even though they grew up in good homes.

Some parents have several children and one of them decides to be useless even tough the others are good. How do you explain that?

Mercychen:
And where did i throw an insultive joke at you?

You see the problem with you guys on here is, you always want to be the only ones sounding right and correct. Any other person's opinion doesn't count and if the person doesn't agree to your ideology or views, shes tagged disrespectful or naive.

Now, youve commented earlier and I didn't counter or challenge you. You now came again to say you doubt the veracity of my story. Now, if I react to your derogatory statement, I'll be tagged immature right? Hmm... now who's looking for trouble?

When I was creating this post, I didn't have it in mind to draw sympathy from anyone or a pity party. neither did I solicit openly for one. So, I wonder why you would want to feel sorry for me. Please keep your sorry to yourself, I never asked for it.

Now, let me tell you. The reason I've been treating you with a little respect is because you and I have had a face-off before with my old moniker of which I later apologized and tried to stay off your lane but it seems you're are naturally drawn to despising my monikers and activities on here. Imagine all you typed up there.

Please, do yourself the honor of ignoring my posts. I never dragged you in in the first place but I guess your hate for this moniker and the urge to trash-talk and get at her made you jump in, hence your last comment. Not because you cared.

Whether you believe the story or not doesn't change anything and stop with the pretence already.

Abeg! Make I see road.

I don't even know which one is your old moniker.

And you are right, I don't care. Had I cared enough, I would have reacted earlier but I didn't. I only reacted to what Klass wrote because I loved her comment, the underlying message in it.

PEACE OUT

Klass99:


When I first saw the thread/original post I didn't want to comment or get into it either, because Mercy tends to misunderstand and misconstrue one's words/intentions. I was like, she shouldn't have brought this here o.

But, as the thread progressed and I read different comments, I figured it was time to wade in, having been at the receiving end of such vile nastiness myself because of a harmless, personal, life choice.

When good people say nothing and do nothing, evil prevails. So, please we can occasionally wade in and drown out the hateful voices. After watching Monica Lewinsky's TEDtalk video, I am truly beginning to grasp the full extent of cyber bullying.

My only concern with Mercy is how she handles situations in her life. Her one child policy and vasectomy conversation with the guy, didn't bother me as much as, the ignoring of calls, tantrums and attitude afterwards. A relationship can fade or fizzle out, but that doesn't mean we can't maintain friendly/civil interactions nah.

We only short change ourselves and miss out on wonderful opportunities by permanently shutting out people. I admit that certain people (toxic ones in particular) need to and should be permanently shut out of our lives. But, if someone is decent, hasn't done anything harmful to you and it's only a matter of difference in values/ideology, keep the communication lines open, be friendly and have no hard feelings.

I didn't take this thread seriously at all. I doubt the authenticity of this story and OP can be quite disrespectful so it is hard for me to feel sorry for her. Last time I had a conversation with her, not even an argument, she made a disrespectful joke. I often see her rubbing people the wrong way for no good reason at all.

What is worse though is that one woman will insult another woman because of menopause and not having a husband. Is it what their self-worth depends on?

What has your having a husband and children got to do with anything? Has it saved humanity or the country?Are you a better human being now?

Nonsense.

Klass99:
Within the context of this thread, do you think she's being selfish for desiring one child only or for asking the man to get a vasectomy? I'm guessing it's the latter (for you) but correct me if I am wrong.

Now, speaking generally and not specifically to you Descarado - I have randomly read people's comments and reactions to the OP, she has been dissed and cruelly insulted, making me wonder if it's her desire for one child or the suggestion of a vasectomy that has people so worked up.

If it's about the child, no one has the right to diss her for it. It's her personal choice and a choice that won't adversely affect any of us, so why the hate towards her? I have seen 2 male users on this forum (at different times on different threads) say they don't like children and they don't want to have them. One said they disturb and make too much noise, the other said he finds them annoying.

No single person on those threads (male or female) dragged nor insulted those guys or even quoted them to ask why or start a sermon about it. One of those users even had 5 likes and 1 share, when I saw his post. But, the moment a woman says something remotely similar or different, like - I want only one child or I like children but I don't want any of my own, that's when the name calling and insults begin, especially from female users towards their own gender.

Is it fear of the opposite gender that makes them stay mute and overlook the comments of male users? Or do they think when a man says that, he knows what he wants BUT when a woman says so, she is selfish, sick, evil and doesn't know what she wants? It's funny how everyone jumps and passes, when the moniker is M, but when it's F, they are all over a thread brutally attacking with full force. The hypocrisy is loud!

If it's about the vasectomy, while I agree that it ought to be a man's choice without him being pressured or compelled to do it, the fury, vitriol and nastiness I am seeing, is still unwarranted and very unkind.

@ Mercyc.hen, I read your original post and from some of your other threads as well, I have to say that - for a grown woman your naivety and childishness can be astounding (I don't mean that as an insult). Please focus more on yourself, personal growth/improvement.

Thank you for this.

I didn't want to get in the middle of it because I have no energy for such but I find the quality of the insults thrown from one lady to the other here truly disturbing.

Acidosis:
I was going to agree until I remembered there was a time I thought some slay queens like Mercy Johnson, Tonto Dike, Ini Edo, and Linda Ikeji will never desire marriage or pregnancy.

I don't know about these ladies and what they used to desire or not desire. I am not sure you do either.

Ladyhippolyta88:
Don't mind her which one be hubby rubbing your stomach Romantic ko, dramatic ni

That was a very insensitive comment to those women who for one reason or the other can't have children

Acidosis:
- What-if doubts will set in.

- Motherhood realities (one will get her desiring more).

I am not so sure that motherhood and pregnancy realities will have this effect. The opposite might be the case.

Acidosis:
@ OP,

Don't waste a good relationship over nothing. You're still too young to even know whether the one child policy is truly what you want. By the first child arrives, there's a 99% chance that you'll change your mind. So what becomes of the man? What happens when you desperately need another child in the future?

To be honest, no sane man will say yes to your proposal.

Why?

Ladyhippolyta88:
So the ones wey dem nor fit carry pikin for their belle nkoor make dem nor born again because dem dey find am difficult to convince

Thank God for science and many nor send this your own I am surprised this is coming from a woman define your own 'sweet' and leave other women to define theirs

I wonder if she has ever been pregnant. She's romanticizing pregnancy like a teen.

faithfull18:
In those 7years, it wasn't discovered medically the one with the fertility issue

Foolish people.

I can't finish the first paragraph because the story is so annoying right from the start. God didn't agree bla bla, the wife is possessed bla bla.

Go for medical check up for fvck's sake.

And it's for better for worse. Just saying.

pocohantas:
Shazam. Something wey be followcome for iPhone 2. Later una go say iPhone is overhyped.

*runs away*

Yes!

Klass99:
That's the same problem I have too, so I can't even send you a link. It seems like CNN has made it impossible to get it from other sources, but I'll keep trying. I appreciate your willingness to help, mwah

You could download an app to your phone that recognizes the music and tells you the title and artist.

Klass99:
Lol, I like that you love my vibes

African Avant Garde, is the advert. I've been browsing the net for days now, in search of the soundtrack but coming up short. I could really use some help with that.

The good thing though, is that the Office TV is close to my work station and it's permanently on CNN. So, when the ad comes on I get to listen to my heart's content. It's about the only thing I like on CNN.

I have just googled the advert but there are too many results. Can you send me the YouTube link with advert so I can find the song?

Klass99:
This ought to be a fun thread , I feel like;

1. Winning the lottery.

2. Cuddling with a certain someone, kissing and making sweet love.

3. Listening to this wonderful soundtrack of an advert on CNN, which sinks deep into my soul and makes me feel good. Good music is bae!

4. Watching the TV Series Power, with riveting Ghost & Angie scenes. Ghost and Angie have such wonderful chemistry on camera, too bad they are not a couple in real life. How can one man be so sexy and good looking from head to toes? I 500% like .

5. Ditching work in favour of a James Patterson novel, that guy always has me engrossed in his books, like kilode? An extremely talented writer/author.

6. Touching and playing with my neighbour's beautiful dog, who interestingly, bears the same name as our second family dog.

I feel like a lot of things, don't I? Lamanii, I enoyed participating on your thread and I'm sorry about your baby, accidents happen unintentionally. You mothers need to cut yourselves some slack and stop feeling like failures whenever something goes wrong.

I love your positive vibes.

Which advert are you talking about?

Good attitude.

litigator:
Which companionship at old age?

The same woman that will be jumping from one omuguo to another?

Loneliness will kill such a man. The friendship won’t suddenly fall from the sky at old age. If it’s not there now, it won’t be there at old age.

It’s that simple.

Are you sure you quoted the right person because I don't understand how this your comment relates to mine?

Very interesting when people advise a father to ignore his own child. It's either you don't have your own kids or you are a shitty parent.

Witlee1

Do the needful and marry this girl since you want to anyway. You don't have to take care of everything by yourself. In marriage you are supposed to be partners and support each other so she will need to contribute too. Anything else is madness.

The time you lose not seeing your kid grow up can't be undone or returned. You need to be with your family, kid and mother. You can make more money but time gone is lost forever.

Klass99:
Lol , long time no see, how are you?

He didn't share his wife's response or reaction to that. However judging by the entire conversation we had, he seems caught up in the regular routine typical of married couples.

The routine where focus is on hustling to pay the bills, waiting for kids to grow up and leave the nest, before they (him & wifey) can get back to their lives and the essence of marriage (as he put it)

Companionship in old age sounds good and is a sweet/wonderful thing, but it happens, only if couples live that long and already have a reasonable semblance of it, now. Your thoughts on the topic/man's situation?

I'm good. How have you been?

This sounds somehow to me. If a single person tells you that their life revolves around paying bills until they can enjoy themselves in old age, you would think they are stewpid or insane. Why do we think it is not insane to say something like this for a married person?

Whether you are married or not, you hustle and you pay bills. And there is time for enjoyment too. I don't get why anyone would think that getting married stops you from spending nice time with people you love, spouses or others. It doesn't make any sense.

Klass99:
Litigator on the beat again .This is an interesting and thought provoking topic.

I am not married but on Monday I was having a conversation with a married friend (male) he told his wife, the essence of marriage is not now but later, when they're in their 60s and all you want to do is sit down and talk with someone.

I said what you mean is companionship and he goes exactly! I was like, but why wait till your 60s? It needs to start happening now because none of us, is guaranteed 2023 sef!

The mistake a lot of us make is thinking we will always be around or we will live till our 60s, 70s or 80s. Covid has still not taught some people anything at all, we need to be present in the moment, live in the moment making the best of every moment.

I genuinely feel sorry for this story teller and others in a similar situation. Marriages in Nigeria seem to be all about children, paying bills and zero percent companionship and intimacy. Where is the fun in that?

What kind of nonsense is this? And he said it with a straight face? How did his wife respond?

Hi