₦airaland Forum

Chuky7:
Thanks bro

I tell you that idea of staying with an unknown girl all your life is frightening.

What happens if you don't like her presence anymore or she becomes a pest do I just leave her like that?

But you don't mind sticking your thing into several unknown girls abi.

descarado:
Them never born that man in any of my extended family to make major or even minor decision like that without consulting the wife. So also the wife.
Family will tear you apart when such matter is brought to the table.
Who do you think you are?
Because of few coins you will start feeling on top of the world?
Poverty and money miss road srr twins.
That's an act of somebody who rolled in the mud of poverty and when he finally managed to get few coins, he started behaving like hushpuppy.
Nonsense and ingredients

After suffering poverty, every penny is god for some. And they will use that money as a tool of control. A woman that marries such a man is in big trouble if she doesn't earn her own money.

elonmuskbaby:
exactly

I don't know about Muslims but for christians the Bible says leave and cleave

You want your wife to leave her parents family and cling to you but you still want to be attached to your mom's aprons

Infant boys that should still be suckling with feeding bottles getting married.orisirisi

Most guys with that twisted mindset are single o. They have no clue.

bukatyne:
I always want to understand their family dynamics.

I thought basic Social Science in Primary School is that a family is husband + wife + children?

Many damaged folks.

Naaa...these men's family unit is mother + children. Wife is an outsider that comes to interrupt their unit and should be done away with if she messes up. Their mothers are the heads of the family units.

Meanwhile we hardly hear about FILs causing problems. Or didn't they also "suffer discomfort for their children". It's the mums that like to use emotional blackmail for their sons and they fall flat for it

LutanFyah:
Why should a man consult some wife before buying a gift for his mother?

The wife is never family, she can go anytime she wants (especially when the man is broke and sick) but a mother will stick with her children no matter what.

Because the wife is now his first priority over anyone else.

Are you married?

Because single people like to give marriage advice. And people in bad marriages tend to liken their marriage to other people's marriages.

Nisiw365:
Nonsense. So far the man makes money on his own. He owes the wife no explanation how he spends his money ok

So if she makes money on her own, she can spend it without owing him an explanation too.

Supposing the husband is out of work and the wife is making the money, can she spend her money as she likes? She can buy a car for her father when she knows her family needs one?

Some of you men are used to using money as the tool of authority in the home. When the tables turn, I hope the woman won't be blamed for doing the same. By then, the word "submission" will becone popular.

Hathor5:
1st bold
Exactly!

2nd bold
At some point you could depend on your son due to old age which is the natural course of things and I pray we have daughters and sons in law who will treat us like their own parents but demanding cars from them when they have a young family to look after is a totally different thing.

It all boils down to communication and transparency. A marriage in which a husband and wife do not run the family budget together and make all decisions together has got deeper issues.

When I mean depend on my son, I mean for survival, for my daily bread. Of course as we grow older, we need help.

Many men are quick to point out that the money is the husband's money and not hers. So will he only respect her if her money is involved. People need to grow up. So if the husband is out of work and she is the one with the money, I guess she can buy a car for her dad.

I just wished people would reason clearly.

elonmuskbaby:
marriage is for men and not infant boys

Anyway Solomon Gave everything I will have wrote here a wrap

He's as wise as Solomon in the Bible.

A man is not one with his mum but with his wife. If he prioritizes his mum's needs over his wife's, he should as well divorce his wife and be joined to his mum.

Boys on this forum are already reacting and blaming the woman because they don't understand marriage. I can't be trekking with pregnancy and probably a kid or two and he buys a car for his mum instead. We will call a family meeting for it. If he doesn't have sense, let elders teach him sense.

Though divorce is extreme, it's either it's a fake story or the husband has a habit of prioritizing his mum over his wife as Solomon assumed.

Hathor5:
There is something fundamentally wrong with their marriage and many Nigerian marriages for that matter. It always baffles me how a husband or wife will not consult with their significant other before doing a major investment. If you do not run your family budget together, you aren't one and probably never will be.

Exactly o. You can't be married and still manage your finances as if you are single. The wife should have been in the know about the purchase.

But if the man did it without telling her, it's because he knows he's not totally right and he didn't want his wife to object.

Many men do not understand that when they get married, their wife and family become their first responsibility even before anyone else.

My husband told me how his father protected his mum from his family and put her first. His dad bought things in her name. So when we got married, my husband told his mum that she should not expect him to be any different. That he learnt from his dad. So he does the same.

You can't enjoy that kind of privilege from your husband and expect your son to do the same to you and neglect his wife. Marriage is not just a physical thing, it's the unifying of two souls.

I don't pray to be a mum that depends on her son, thereby causing trouble between my son and his wife. My mother never did it. I pray never do it too.

Iniobong34:
And if you eventualy evacuate him forcefully and in the future he has becomes rich, how will he sees u?

You sound like the kind of person the op is talking about that refuses to live people's houses. You are even garnishing your own with emotional blackmail.

If he becomes rich, he's rich for himself nau. Abi should he remain poor forever?

All I pray is that God blesses my husband and I that we can provide all our needs. So that I don't have to be a bone of contention in my son's marriage, standing between him and his wife. So that it will not be her needs versus my needs. Let my own husband provide my needs and let her enjoy her husband.

The beating part just off me.

I am so repelled by men who beat women. It's just something I can't get past.

Some of them cope by having a babe to service them. A family friend of my husband and I was in Nigeria while his wife was in the UK. They were jist married for less than a year before he joined her.

One time a couple of us went out as couples and this guy brought his babe. It was so disappointing, we actually refused to relate to the babe because she knew he was married.

See the young boys.

bukatyne:
Very much on point

It is a loveless marriage that would make a MIL start dragging with her DIL over who is more important to the son.

If she has her husband alive and in a good relationship with him, mama would be thinking of how to rest and enjoy her husband.

If her husband is dead and she was happy with him, she wants to spend her days cherishing the memories they built.

Same MIL suddenly knows how to comport herself in her daughter's house.

It is well with them all.

There's some truth in this. I always wonder who they leave their husbands with when they go and stay with their sons.

My mum would always say she can't sleep in an inlaw's house. Even though my dad had passed, she never went to stay with my brother or sister for even a night. To visit was a problem. The woman liked her own space.

I don't understand the need for some MILs to keep going to their son's house to look for what is not missing. Something that they themselves did not accept when they were young wives.

Sotland:
Do I hear you say interfere? So if the Son is dieing silently, the parents shouldn't interfere but watch their DIL send their son to early grave? That's funny.. Like it or not, there is always someone to mediate btw husby n wifey..

Like I said before women or women problem.. if DIL could love, cherish and honour her mother irrespective of her flaws, I see no reason why DIL shouldn't honour love, cherish and honour her MIL. If DIL don't want her MIL close, she doesn't honor her, so two ways about it. BTW I say, Africans have derail from their culture and adopting the wrong side of the western culture or not applying it properly and that has been a huge problem in this part of the word..

I am sure you know what I mean by interfere. Once a man is married, the mother has to respect the marriage and allow them be. She cannot come and make decisions in the house or exact any kind of authority.

If they need someone to mediate, shouldn't it be a neutral person, and not someone that would take sides? Definitely not his mum. The father is even better.

I for one respect my MIL. That's why I maintain a safe distance. Getting close to her is difficult because I have been burnt several times. Even she herself had to apologize to me when she was leaving our place after omugwo because she knew she offended me and I was cool about it.

For some people, respecting them is putting them at a distance so that you don't speak your mind and spoil everything. My FIL is the one I talk to more.

Sotland:
If MIL has a questionable character, she will exhibit it while the DIL is courting her husband.. Nevetheless, all I am saying is that the young girls of today should stop judging MIL from afar. Because of the odd stories they hear and read, they are quick to rejecting MIL from afar.. In African context, Marriage is not BTW Husby and wifey, It is BTW two families.. Well, Women have problem for their kind. Practically three men can live in a single room for 6yrs without no problem but three women cannot live in a single room without no problem, they must have issues.. But the truth is DIL should honor her MIL cos times shall come when she will be become MIL too...

Personally, I don't think there should be any mystery about MILs. It's not only the young ladies that judge the mother inlaw from afar. The MIL also puts up a front even before meeting the DIL.

The fault doesn't always lie with the DIL like some of you make it seem. Older people should not be given a pass just because of their age. When they are wrong, let it also be pointed out. MILs should also learn to accept their DILs and stop trying to interfere.

Misturaomolayo:
Dear Nairaland, Kindly push this to the front page for clarification.

Pls kindly advise appropriately if you are in my shoes , which will you opt for.

I currently work with a manufacturing company which are into production of distilleries product as an Account Officer 60,000(Entry level) with no benefits attached but job security and yearly salary review is guaranteed and now Stanbic Ibtc Bank has offered me a contract job as a Bank Teller at their V.I office at Idejo and is a 2 years contract, subject to renewal base on performance and need for service.

Pls kindly lend you voice with respect to what i should do.

Should i continue the formal or opt for the later?

Best regards.

As a contract bank teller, you cannot rise.

You won't have time to look for other jobs because you will be occupied all day, hardly anytime for interviews. So you'll be stuck.

Nonybb:
[b]But to be very sincere with you. Some of these things were oftentimes caused by two individuals: the mother of that child and the daughter itself. For example, I went to one family like that at one certain time and I discover one girl like that, aged maybe around 15-17 years, undressing in front of his dad. This girl I'm telling you about has developed every part of her womanhood. Some wives look at such and wave it aside. You see, men are not built that way, to fight every now and then on this serious temptation. A little sight can provoke a man and he doesn't reason entirely when it comes to penile erection. The degree of temptation are different. Some fall easily, some withheld it and cry Jesus but it do comes.

Men are disorganized by sight and sensual seduction; women might be emotions and physical touch. Let us understand that. Secondly, how the wife caused it was how complacent she was. Whenever you see that your daughter is being naked in front of your husband, put her aside and talk to her. She could have prevented this incestuous act[/b]

Whether the girl is naked or not, she is his offspring.

I knew of a family with only girls. These girls hardly wore clothes when they were home. You could imagine young women sitting in the living room with only panties. Their father complained until he got tired.

But did he sleep with them? No. Because he wasn't a pervert and those girls were his kids, kids that looked up to him. I don't know why you guys want to normalize men sleeping with their daughters. It is not normal. Any man who has a hard on for his daughter is mentally ill.

UDUJ:
Lol , Imalma you finish work

Haba! I only asked an innocent question to understand why she would generalize the issue.

Divinehealer:
You are safe to say ANYTHING Bunch of pedos

Look I am lady like you and I see a lot of these things that happen. But I am learned enough to know that putting all men in a box as perverts is not a smart thing to do.

If your dad didn't sleep with you, your brothers don't sleep with their daughters, etc, why generalize? You should be smarter than that. Leave your bias for Nigerian men aside and reason clearly.

Divinehealer:
I will not marry a Nigerian if he is the last man on earth. Bloody sexual deviants. Even you are suspect. I pity your daughter. Poor girl might stand no chance.

A non Nigerian, even worse. I guess it's safe to say your father slept with you?

Irijosa777:
I'm the last born in the family, all the members of the family had gotten married except me.
I'm 32 now, just rounded up my study. I'm into farming, school works and doing catering work as well. I'm financially balance. I have not gone into a relationship before, I just ignore that aspect because I believe in the principle of "one thing at a time".

Now that I'm through with my study and I have something doing, I'm planning of going into a relationship and get married at least by 2023 but I'm perceiving there's going to be a problem between me and my family.

My family is very selective, very selective... There was a time a friend started visiting me anytime I went to the village, my mother notice it and told me that the girl is not welcome in the family, she gave me her reason too, I told my Mom she is just a friend and nothing more.

Today my neice got married, I invited my crush and she came to the wedding and I introduced her to my family as my friend, when the ceremony was going on, my sister told me and I quote "this girl you brought is not acceptable, she is too old for you, "common" she is just 27 and am 32... I told my sister that we are just friends and nothing more, then she said better...

I don't want to have any issue with my family in marring a girl but I'm afriad problem might be inevitable because I won't want my family to choose who or who not to marry, I have never had issue with my family before, they love me very much and we are living happily.

One mind is telling me to follow my heart another mind is telling me don't let a woman bring issue between you and your family...
Gosh! family get wahala! What is wrong in marring a girl of 27 years and I'm 32. (5years different)

I'm not ready for any family wahala...
Please how do you handle this kind of issue.

Were their own partners chosen for them? Please ignore their comments and let them understand that your life partner is your choice. They will calm down when they see that you don't find their intrusion funny.

I'm the last child too with 5 older ones. When my siblings try stuffs that doesn't go down well with me, I become silent on the matter and my face changes. Nobody tells them to tread carefully after that.

Divinehealer:
[b]If you talk now, the "including your father and male relatives" Gang will jump out
Women listen and listen good, naija men and self control are as wide appart as Alpha and Omega. They will Bleep their own mothers talkless of daughters. Keep your children faaar from them. Don't look at how they pretend on social media forming and shouting ahh, na wa ooo, God forbid ó, all na wash. Until you catch them, they will keep forming better and holler. Read through and see how men will only see the problem to be that he slept with his daughter. They will almost wave this aside as one of those mistakes which shouldn't have happened. Read through and see how men will make excuses for him. That should tell you how normal these kinds of acts are in the minds of naija men.
The wife is stupid for being confused. When she is fucking, does she confuse the hole a dick should enter? The daughter.. May God heal her. The poster is mad for being confused too. The man,..... He needs clean beating and castration[/b]

When you get married, your husband will sleep with the daughter you both have since that's what you believe.

Sotland:
Different strokes for different forks. For me, any DIL who can't manage her MIL has a questionable character. It amuse me how today's girls are so quick to judging their MIL from afar. Pathetic.

What if it is the MIL that has a questionable character? If her own children cannot manage her, why would the daughter inlaw be accused of a questionable character for not managing her.

What you should know is that MILs are human beings, they were also young girls before. So they too have faults. They can manipulate and play tricks. I speak from experience.

I never planned not to be close to mine, but it's inevitable.

daylay7:
Waooh. This is good. Thanks

You are welcome. I am glad I could help.

Sotland:
One of the reasons is position.. But the truth is that any girl that cannot cope with her mother inlaw has a bad character.. Although there are a few instances where the mother inlaw is extremely bad, however, the girl would have noticed or known it, yet she choose to ignore it.. How and why should a girl marry a guy when she's not liked by the mother inlaw..

My friend that married, immediate the wife entered his house. He asked her to pay his family house a visit and spend sometime to know them because they never dated, it was matchmaking thing and his family never saw or knew her in person until the wedding day. Boom! The wife started to feel irritated, "she wants nothing to do with his family". She cannot go there and spend a week, why would she? All sort of things she said.. A mother inlaw that was so welcoming, she sees her as a nobody.. But then she had her two sister living with them in my friend's house. My friend send some money to his mother when she was sick, told her and boom! She asked him "how much have you sent to my own mother?" A marriage of barely 3 months oo..

This is a broad topic, it contrast more than whether the two can live together or not.. Even if they live separately, a bad mother inlaw, remains a bad mother inlaw and a bad girl remains bad..

Relationship between MIL and DIL is a broad topic. I can't stay with my MIL; in fact I will avoid it. I don't think my husband would like the idea himself.

His mum that can be calling his phone that can be ringing at 6am continuously for nothing urgent. I can imagine her coming to knock early in the morning.

Our relationship is better from afar. It can be more easily managed like that.

Ulunne777:
I was in this dilemma years ago and it messed up alot of things for me when I was trying to process passports n bank stuff.
Pre NYSC certs: papas name
NYSC and work:Father in laws name
Kids papers: Husband s name

Keep using your old name until he makes up his mind and you and your kids must bear the same surname or make his middle name and family name the last .Eg

Daylay7 Tunde(husband) femi(family name.

She should let her husband understand that she doesn't want difference in names to cause problems for her especially when it comes to documentation. So that he can see reason and know how his decision will affect her and the children.

With that, they can pick something that works

daylay7:
hhmmmmm You are right. But what will you suggest? Husband name or family name.

This decision should be made after you and your husband discuss.

vickydevoka:
Yes. Do u think people hu stay with dere parents wish so? I don't think so. Just that de don't have a choice. In Jos plateau state, de hardly leave dere parents house even after marriage , buh de are use to it. De don't rent house . De rather stay in one room with there wife than to rent a house. Only 5% of them can rent a house

It's not for those who don't have a choice or those who cannot afford it. The OP can afford to rent another apartment.

vickydevoka:
There are still peaceful women out there. Buh it's rare to see. Women like wahala, my mum is number 1. Maybe bcus de are too emotional or something. May God help us from de hands of evil women

Even me myself wouldn't have liked to stay under the same roof with my parents for life. My mum was a very peaceful person but it would just be nice to be married and be away. Let me miss them and come and visit instead.

And no matter what, they will always put their mouths into some issues.

daylay7:
So, how do u suggest this issue can be resolved. Should she bear the husband's name with the children or the husband's surname while the children bears the husband's first name.

It would be best if everyone can bear the same surname, whoever's name it is.