₦airaland Forum

daylay7:
How do you mean?

I used to see these issues in the bank. A woman is opening accounts for her children as the parent, and she has a different surname with her children and it raises issues.

Men always coming to change name from family name to father's name as surname. Then the children will bear his own name as his surname. So he bears a different name from his children.

They just complicate matters.

Some people just make this simple life unnecessarily complicated.

mardis:
You're right, i am not saying you can't scold them that is 0-7 years, but it should be in a jovial mode with soft tone.

You cannot scold in a jovial mode. When you scold, you let the child understand that what he/she did was wrong and should not do it again. You can do that smiling or jumping for joy . They have to know that you are not happy with what they did.

Liar liar. Those items are not up to 20k.

thunder74:
I fight other people's battle for a living

Lawyer or agbero?

Anything is better than staying in this country.

This write up is a total waste of time and energy. So because they have dreads, they all look like him?

Medicine and Surgery undergrads in school then hardly even had time to cook. They were the ones thst used to patronize school canteens a lot or made do with noodles. Not to talk of working and schooling. Not in Nigeria.

What did I just read?

This guy's reasoning is unbelievably faulty. All in a bid to support your person, you reason without any kind of sense.

Rubbiish:
Not every lady will maltreat her man's child I agree, there is always an exception, but what is the percentage? Are they up to 5% out of a 100%? It is not even debatable, there is no gainsaying a lot of women maltreat their step children! She may pretend for now, but when she start having her own kids, she will certainly favour her kids more than any other person's child. If u think otherwise, then u are not being honest with yourself! Her father is spoiling the boy is what will prompt the maltreatment! Returning the boy to his mom is best, no woman will take care of another person's child more than her own child! It's nature.

What if she will be better at raising the boy than his mum? His mum that could leave a boy that young.

Even if the percentage is less, should we then generalize? Or haven't you seen children that have good relationships with their step mums? There are some children who grew up not knowing the woman they call mum is their step mum. There are women who genuinely love children, and would not visit the sins of the parents on the child.

Hasty generalization should not apply because of what we believe is the norm. I have seen great step mums, so I believe the op's gf should not be written off because of assumptions. He still has to observe.

But then, people tend to think one way and could be narrow minded when it comes to cases like this.

Rubbiish:
@bold u think so?
Women naturally don't like anything that encroach on their space when it comes to relationship & marital issues, reason wives don't agree with mother in laws. That boy is encroaching on that lady's space & she is already developing hatred for the boy & seeing him as a rival.

@Elrafiki2 u are about to make your son experience a very rough growing up. You need to choose between that boy & your girl! Your girl is still pretending because u are yet to wife her, once u marry that lady, she will show your son the other side of her, not to talk of when she start having her own kids, that boy is going to pass through hell. Now u are already contemplating of denying him certain things, this is something u never thought of before now. If u are unable to choose between both my best advice is; return that boy to his mom & send her money for upkeep, even if his mom is married to another man, that won't be an issue because men don't abuse kids, it is a woman thing, she will still be in a better position to take care of that boy as it stands now. The boy can come back when he is of certain age & able to speak for himself.

As I said, that's not always the case. Not every lady will maltreat her man's child. Her concern is that the father is spoiling him too much and that can never turn out well.

It's just that people are quick to see a red flag on this forum especially it realtes to women. And from experience and observation, I have come to realize that Nairaland is different from real life. The stories cannot aptly qualify what happens in real life.

I know people who have step kids that they love. A close colleague of mine tells me how his wife is closer to his mum than to hers.

It's not everyone that has hate in them. That's why I said the op should observe her closely to know if she has genuine love and concern for his son.

I don't deal with preconceived notions or assumptions that all women or men are a particular way. I prefer to treat each case individually instead of putting them all in the same judgement box.

Klass99:
Seven blessings to you!




And twenty one blessings to you for this!!!

This erroneous belief people have, that no one can love a child like the mother or as much as the mother amuses me to no end. People adopt kids and genuinely love them, one of my bestie's has a better relationship with her step-mom than her own mother. I've come across kids I genuinely liked and enjoyed spending time with.

The biological mother in this case is proving that blood is not always thicker than water and whatever her reasons are, for walking away and leaving the son with his father, I do not blame or judge her one bit.

After all she is not the only parent of that child and if she lacked the means to care for him well, it's good that she left him where he could be better taken care of.

When my sister in law (my brother's wife) starts fretting about traveling and leaving the kids home with Damien, how will they cope, can I check in on them and help out if necessary blah, blah, blah.....

I am always quick to warn her and remind her, that parenting is not a way one street neither is it the sole responsibility of a mother. My brother's hands are not broken neither is he handicapped, you didn't climb on top of yourself to create those children, he did. So, please let him participate in their grooming and upbringing too. Now she knows better than to ask me for yeye favours

@ OP, I get irritable with my siblings too when I see them over-pamper and over-indulge their kids. Not because I get bad belle for body, but because our last born was brought up that way and we've all seen the consequences. It doesn't end well, vintage premium tears awaits you, if you don't stop.

Kids need to understand that, na you born them - no be them born you. Even God that loves us more than anything, doesn't always answer every request, nor does He give into our cries. So, why do some of you act like you are the epitome of love?

You will not even agree to hang on a cross, if push comes to shove, so abeg rest. Your girl and your son can both exist in your life, without negative drama, depending on well you handle things from this point forward.

I am sure the op will adjust. Children need tough love as well to help them grow in a balanced way. I really cannot stand spoilt kids, and parents are usually to blame for it.

frozen70:
The modem day women are not ready to accept their mother inlaws the way they see them
But the good thing is that, they too are future mother inlaw

The truth is that everyone has their faults. Neither MIL or DIL is perfect. The MIL was also a DIL that was probably that way too, so the cycle continues.

.

frozen70:
If it's your house, you can stay there and rent a mini flat for your mother

If it's a family house, then prepare to get your own apartment

Only God knows why mother inlaws and daughter inlaws don't get along

Perhaps because they are both women. Many guys always want to blame the wives, forgetting that the MIL is also a woman and an older one for that matter, and should be more mature with her dealings with her DIL.

But some mums still can't deal with the fact that another woman now has her son's attention even more than her. So also, some ladies enter a marriage with a mindset about MILs even without getting to.know them.

But the basic thing is two women competing against each other or trying to show their dominance in the guy's life.

Rubbiish:
@ first bold Why would he tell his mum to leave??
Will someone die if his mother live with them?
Are u saying if his mum has no other place to stay & that was the only apartment available, are u saying the mother can't live with them?? The kind of hatred u ladies have for mother in law is something else!

@ second bold Only on the condition that house was built by his parents or siblings & not by him. If a man is moving out of the house he built himself not on the Condition of work due to location, just because he wants to get married, then definitely that marriage is cursed & such a woman advising her husband of such when that money could be channeled into other useful things can never improve the life of that man. The only reason a man should come up with such decision is if the house was built by his parents.

That's why it is his decision. He can decide that he doesn't want to live there. Perhaps he knows what kind of mum he has or he just wants to be on his own.

It's not about dying if he lives with his mum. It's what he's comfortable with as long as he can afford it.

Besides, people should not make decisions based on what others think or how they will react. It's his life and his money, he should do what he is ok with whether it makes sense to outsiders or not.

I will shake my head and ask him why he is stealing from himself.

Rubbiish:
This is different from op case
Op stated he is the owner of the house, it is very different from a house built by his mom or dad.

A man can make decisions as long as it is what he feels it's best for the family. Not every guy wants to be married and still be under the same roof with his parents. Abi you want him to tell his mum to leave?

He can rent out his place and decide to rent another place to stay.

If you didn't have a place where they are feeding you and housing you for free, would you have left your jobs for those flippant reasons? They are jealous of your cuteness? I am sure you are not the most handsome guy to work in an office. How do others do it?

It was easy to leave a job because of traffic while you put some more burden on your brother. Do you know how your brother feels about your decisions to leave the jobs?

You keep blaming everything on your introvert nature. Introverts are in ttaffic daily. Or do you think traffic is for extroverts?

You try to rope your brother's wife into the matter so that the guys here can jump on that reason, that she must be the one fueling her husband's attitude. Do you know how tasking it might be to take care of three children plus you? Do you do anything to help her?

Just try to forget about yourself, your needs, your introvert nature and think from your brother's perspective. You might understand better.

Most people usually prefer to rent outside, especially those who want privacy and to be away from their mother's watchful eyes.

A family friend of mine left the building his mum built when he got married. He could easily have a flat to himself there. But he said he couldn't be with his mother all his life. Sometimes, it's not always about the wife.

Elrafiki2:
While what you just wrote is not beyond the realms of possibilities, as I've heard from various stories, I assure you that nothing can diminish the love I have for my son. If as u say it turns out that any woman I marry starts maltreating my son, she goes right away. I know she cares for him and that's why she's trying to make me do things differently and not out of malice. I hope it stays that way. Thanks for Ur input anyways

You have to understand that a lot of people on this forum are conditioned to believe that ladies will always maltreat a child that is not hers, because of the news that are always posted here.

However, that's not always the case in real life. It's up to you to observe her and see if she has genuine love for your son. Don't allow nairalanders use their mindsets to affect your decision.

Karleb:
There was no exchange anywhere. She helped her siblings irregardless of anything.

The main reason she did that was because she knew she owed her sibling because she was already having a good life without them even asking.

Try to read the post without the mindset of making a counter point. My last paragraph did justice to your worry.

She didn't owe her siblings. The people that owed them, who brought them into the world were busy having children they couldn't care for.

She just did it what she could to lift them up.

You actually need to teach your son to be a bit independent. And quit giving him everything he cries for; it won't help both of you in the long run. If you let him grow up that way, you will be in trouble because he will be annoyingly spoilt.

Of course it will affect your relationship. Even if you were married to his mother and you are overindulging him this way, it would still be a problem. So, your gf might not be bad or have the mind to maltreat him as some people are insinuating.

Just try to balance both. Another option is to allow him stay with his mum if that would be healthier for him.

People that get intimate with call girls. This one is not hard.

Ishilove:
Someone should please educate me here: what is the essence of bridesmaids? I am genuinely curious

Lol...i only had a maid of honour. Some of us don't have the energy for all that wahala. I attended a wedding where they had bride maids, flower girls, confetti girls , etc. It looked too much.

Lostchild:
I never grew up with my mother, I don't know motherly care. I grow in living with one self self centered step mother to another because my earthly father loves women and my childhood is very horrible. Just imagine I started sponsoring my education at age 13 by washing plate in a carteen while my brother fetch water for people who cook rice just to obtain a plate of food from them even though our earthly parents has the provision

My mother abandoned us and focused her attention on my sisters why they keep giving birth to multiple children. It was in her old age, that she realize her mistake.

I had many terrible experience of life and 95% of my tears was rooted by the devils in women. I almost shed tears when writing you because your question brought memory's of the evil deeds of my earthly father.

My past still hunt me because my wounds has not been healed. When your wounds is still fresh, you will always feel the pain

Don't be like my eathly mother; love yourself, protect your children and give them equal love

You need to allow yourself heal, at least so thst you can save us from your women-attacking threads. The past is gone. If you can't move on, it will affect every close person around you.

Your mother was just one in many women. A lot of women take care of their children and families and are not like your mum. Understand that.

Ishilove:

The beauty from that cane aligned her.

ghidhehorn:
Hi guys, trust you're doing well. Pls I need ur advice. My 18 months old son is always proving stubborn in recent weeks.

1. When he's angry only God can pet him
2. Now he selects the clothes he wishes to wear(Latest trend) same as food
3. He can cry for Africa if all he wanted are not provided or obeyed. In short he's a chairman
Just to mention few...

Wanna ask if it's normal or there's a way to correct him.

He needs discipline; more of strong arm than soft. You have obviously been indulging him for long and allowing all the nonsense and now he feels he can do what he wants. Start disciplining him before he becomes to much for you to handle.

What is he angry about that he needs petting for? You need to make him know that it is not ok to get angry and throw tantrums. I had to get a beautiful cane for my daughter

My daughter also wants to pick her clothes and food. I let her know that I am in charge, and she can cry if she has to. Though sometimes, I allow her pick by herself.

When she wanted to start crying over everything, I would send her to her bed and tell her to come back when she's ready to talk rather than crying. We didn't respond to crying and she had to stop it.

You need to set rules and limits for these kids, or else they will grow up and be a big burden to you and others.

The things we see on Nairaland

You have not told us why you married her despite all you knew.

Please disregard and ignore your FIL's threat. Your decision should be based on the state of the relationship with your wife.

Pecoleee345:
Previous thread https://www.nairaland.com/6653469/another-marriage-crash

So over last weekend.... I called family meeting my mum, elder brother and I went to my wife parents house... her family members were present.

They wanted to resolve things between us but no one gave a Bleep about me....they asked her to speak and she said alot of things both truth and lies.

I was lambasted from both sides and I let them finished properly before dropping the bomb......I looked into her eyes straight up and told her am divorcing you.

They were all stunned.... they were now interested in my side of the story.

I decided not to say anything.....am not the type that bad mouth people to score points or look good (my ex-wife is very good at that)....I just told her family to demand the truth from her.

My advice to young men.

1. Make sure u know the background of the lady u wanna get involved with....the way of life etc.

The mistake I made was not evaluating her background...... We came from completely different backgrounds....eg where she comes from people talking crazy and shouting at one another isn't a big deal but me it was a Taboo infact in my parents' house u can't talk with high tones for normal discussions.

2. See forget love and looks...... Make sure you know the main reason she wants to marry you.

I know she loves me but she had another motive which is am meant to give her everything she wants in Life.... She had that mind set of her responsibilities is totally dependent on me.

She told me she can only spare or borrow me money towards doing anything in the house but it is my duty to provide anything she wants even the riddicules ones.

3. For your peace of mind stay away from most ladies raised by single mothers because most her poison to hate men right from teens by their mother.

They are mostly insecure....they believe all men cheat and can never trust.
Comes with mad jealousy

They mostly have anger issue.... they will tell you I don't take shit... trying to show they are strong and can't take what their mother took despite you not doing any shit.....they want to have say in everything just to show you are equal.

They are always quick to be on the defensive
Just to mention a few

I once told my wife am not like your father when I couldn't take the policing, sneaking and threat anymore.

See as a man no one gives a shit about you..... people are sympathetic towards the female and expect you to take whatever she throws at you but you need your peace of mind.
The society has made it possible for women to get away with lot of things.

If you found a woman you want to marry please put love aside and get to really know her background well......cohabit with her for 6month......lastly even if you don't have money, please borrow and go for comprehensive medical check up with her.... (check your sperm count and the state of her womb) please.

The problem is not that she was raised by a single mother or she depends completely on you. The issue is that you married a woman without even getting to know her. You fell in love with glitters.

Your experience is not enough to generalize a particular set of people. Are there ladies from single mothers who are good wives? Yes. Are there ladies from both parents who are bad wives? Yes. And vice versa.

Just take it as you have that you messed up and ended up with the wrong kind of woman for you. She could get married to another man and become a better person.

All the best!

Mom007:
Not true. Alot of night workers see night shift as a time to just look for a quiet corner and sleep. If you lodge in a hotel that advertises 24/7 services and you are calling room service for assistance and no reply, you walk down to the reception, no one there, how will you feel? Then put yourself in the position of the person paying workers to run night shift... The employer is only trying to ensure he gets value for his money, that's it. If you do your work diligently, no one will short your salary.

I get it now. Some people try to combine a day job with a night job and end up sleeping through the night, when they should be working. Such should be discouraged

Mogadishuu:
The op is now an elder because he just shared an experience of his for we the single guys. Background check isn't just about her WhatsApp or Facebook... Go to her area, ask about her.
In the olden days, that's what our parents did. They made research into the family they intend having a union with

And as a woman/man if you were raised by a single parent endeavor to go for counceling before wedding

It's not the olden days o. My brother went to my husband's side to find out about the family and did all the checks before we got married. It's still done till now if the proper process for marriage is followed.