₦airaland Forum

[quote author=edwife post=37780001][/quote]For some weird reasons I can't quote your entire post so I'll summarize your conclusions and my thots on it.

If I get you right, even if a woman is contributing towards the upkeep at home, she still shouldnt expect to share house chores. If she is stressed out, she should ask for help; if the help comes fine, if it doesn't, she should find ways of solving her problem. The man cannot be held accountable anyhow.

In solving her problem, she can do the ffg -

- Give up her career
- Get modern gadgets
- Get a maid

I'll say your solutions are fair enough even though I still think men generally can do much more than they are doing presently in the home. For most, they just need that a re-awakening that they need to consciously do more. I think the first solution should start from there - taking the awareness to them just like the write-up recommended. I recall Netotse saying his mum had to speak with him to do more in the house.

Also, rather than a woman abandoning her career, I would say she should delay it. I am never happy seeing women give up their dreams entirely for the sake of the home. It might be necessary to temporarily delay it, but I'll hate to see a total abandonment. Marriage should help both parties fulfill their dreams and not be a killer of dreams.

Getting a maid or constantly acquiring modern gadgets will definitely help, and it would probably be the last resort of the woman. She would sha not divorce her husband because of domestic chores Abi if she talk and talk and still get no help, won't she sharparly look for solutions? So I'll say I agree with these solutions though I have to say they may not entirely solve the problem cuz there is still a lot of manual intervention in using gadgets and not every chore can be outsourced to maids but overall, the burden would reduce a great deal and that would relieve her greatly.

Funny thread but it's true though

smartmom:
Whaddaya mean lady? take time o. . Forward ever, backward never. We full ground o.

I gentle ooo

coogar:
things haven't changed.
women worked in the days of our parents as well even though i can agree men still shouldered the bulk of the expenses. these days, more women are working and men still shoulder more responsibilities than the women. women still get to keep the bulk of their salaries for their own selfish purposes while using their favourite slogan...."ain't you the man of the house?" the only difference i see is that women have become more smarter to scheme men and squeeze his pockets till the last penny drops out of it.

Coogar, you dey vex o
You always leave me confused on where to start my response from

Let me take you to my opening post and the surveys/research that were carried out. It says working women are contributing more than ever financially but still taking up more if not all of the chores at home. Isn't this a worrying trend? How do we sensitise men to do more chores at home, if you agree with the results of the surveys.

Truckpusher:
What's wrong with the traditional old way ma'am?

I hope you're not mistaken the ideology being promoted by chauvinistic men for your traditional old way?

Nothing wrong with the traditional model sir. If you read my post from the beginning, you'll notice it's actually my preferred model. It works fine as long as there is a good balance.

jaybee3:
We actually don't split bills but employ adopt a formula where i take care of the core bills and she handles the rest. It probably works out to 70:30 or there about

The chores are evenly split

Jaybee, no woman will complain of this naa. This is fine by all standards.

edwife:
Let me start by saying this,i do not believe that men wants someone he can share the bill with especially african men,what they want is someone who can support them and not be a liability.

eddy, isn't this the same thing? I think you are just putting it mildly

A woman who wants to reach the pick of her carreer and do it all needs to weigh her options,You can't have it all.It either you compromise or you choose one.You want a husband and kids,you need to compromise in every aspects.One who combines a successful career giving her financial independence with an effective motherhood raising a child needs to realise that it is important to understand that both these jobs are extremely demanding, and to do justice to each without neglecting the other is a formidable task.

A working woman, wife, mother needs to be able to multi-task effectively and make necessary sacrifices. So, I'll rather say she can have it all as long as she is able to make these sacrifices (for some reason, I am more comfortable using the word sacrifice rather than compromise). Extremely demanding... I'll come to this shortly

Do you truly believe there are men that will see their wives overworked and turn a blind eye? Unless he is a beast then we are no longer talking of husbands,lovers,partners. we always talk about house-chores as if we were talking about hard labour or something.We are two adults in the house,both working-what to do?

The husband might not even be aware he needs to do more in the house while the wife, though aware she is doing much more and is clearly struggling with it, prides herself that she is able to multi-task and thinks it's not an issue. The case of Carrin and other surveys done in the opening post describes this. But also, in extreme cases, he knows he should help, he can clearly be of help, but he just believes that any home chore is not his to do. We could attribute this to his upbringing or....

@the bolded - reconcile the bolded(house work is not hard labour) with what you said initially (house work is extremely demanding) and see the contrast. Personally, I think house work is more demanding than even a full time office job. I would rather take the latter than the former. #my opinion though

First a working couple have little time at home,except on weekends.Even with the presence of kids,you can easily try to manage the house without many brouhaha.
This is where her salary will come handy,she can buy every necessary house equipments ranging from(vacuum cleaner,rice cooker,blender,washing machine,dish washer) name it if she thinks it is too much for her.I don't think a husband will have a problem with that and i am very certain he will willingly help .Some of these men where raised like that,not an excuse but it's a fact and you don't expect him to change because he has kids and a wife.Women know it,she dated him knowing that,instead of bringing the roof down,why not seek some other alternatives.

are we saying here it's okay for her to take up all the house work even if she is contributing financially? And if she is stressed out, she should resort to modern gadgets? I am trying to understand the context this whole paragraph is made from

I see housechores as an habit,if you are not use to a messy place-you will clean it.Some women will have no problem saying that they do not like washing clothes or dishes but you expect your husband to like it,because he needs to share house-chores responsibility.It is simple,get a washing machine,that will do.
I always say it,there is no way one will do house-chores around the clock,it is impossible.Unless you both are pigs.Women are good at multitasking,even if you are not-you can always organise your chores especially when you work.

I noticed my dad is not good with chores but one thing you can't take away from him is organisation.The man clothes and bedroom is neat any day ,any time.He takes time folding,ironing his clothes.he can't stand a piece of paper or anything on the floor.There is always something good they do and don't compromise. Many of the stories we read here are just dramatise to make it look like women are being enslaved. Kimoni do you really think that a child will be crying and disturbing the mother while cooking,the man will comfortably sits on a sofa and enjoys his soccer without enquiring or helping?Unless the baby needs food,he will gladly pick that baby until the woman finish whatever she is doing.If you ask me,that was before not presently.

again eddy, we are not just talking about a woman complaining of house chores even when she is a full time house wife, we are talking of working women contributing significantly to the financial upkeep but still taking up the whole house chores.

TV01:
Competition can certainly be unhealthy. But it's not only competition - an equalist mindset can do harm as well. They have the first child, the mother takes a year off, perhaps her career suffers because of it.
They have the second, she insists he takes paternity so she can go straight back to work. Afterall, her career is equally important - and she took the hit last time?

This is some kind of unhealthy competition...

So, some men have raised expectations about a womans financial contribution? But expects to not do anything - or more than if say she was a housewife - domestically?

I don't think there are men with that mindset here or preaching that. In as much as they exist, women should be mindful of marrying them. The flip side of that coin is women who think marriage is about wealth redistribution or a vehicle for them to actualise their selfish dreams. So men need to be wary as well.

I would say men like that may not even be aware they need to do much more. So it's not like they are some kind of beast who want to intentionally kill their wives with the chores. Looking at Carrin's example for a minute, her husband should be able to do much more but even she takes pride in doing it all and has somehow accepted her fate that her life is supposed to be that way. But again, she recognizes that she is clearly being overworked and could do with more support.

Plus, biblical headship is not re-negotiated based on a wife financial contribution - otherwise she could well be head of the home if her income is greater. Again, be wary and marry accordingly

agree, marry right and pray it stays right.

As commander I am concerned about everything . If the two main priorities are satisfied and there is additional income generated by the wife, less a reasonable amount for pin money, it should also be spent on the family' behalf. Be that charity, extended family, luxury items, or long-term investments.

this would only work if both parties maintain a joint account. Don't see how else it will work with some form of resentment from either party.

These are issues of immaturity, lack of understanding or selfishness of the individuals within marriage. Foundation, foundation, foundation. Marry right and marry well and this kind of thing will rarely crop up. A woman would marry a man without him having articualted his vision for his marriage and home?

And there was a comment about marrying in "hope/faith". Not sure baout hope, but I married in faith. Faith demanded I conduct myself in a certain way, apply clear biblical principles, submit myself to my family and be humble before God. Faith is not blind.
TV

I agree with this but like I told thorpido, sometimes, you think you marry north, but it goes all south after the wedding. One cannot continue to lament for ever over his/her poor choice of spouse. You would just have to move forward with solutions.

jaybee3:
I don't think men go into marriages because they are looking for someone to share the financial burden.

Heck, the union obviously starts with just the two people thereby making it a continuation of the dating/courtship phase.
The curve ball usually gets thrown in once they start procreating hence providing an unpredictable financial scenario whereby projections may not work in tandem with reality on ground hence the somewhat necessity to seek financial support from the one person that has equal stake in the success of the union.

It's just very dangerous not taking into account the real possibility of the woman easily being the biggest earner in the family and thus creating unnecessary stress and invented problems if the man according to you should always be the provider of basics. As you can imagine such scenario will bring unhealthy competition, hatred and distrust into the relationship.

@ the bolded - Jaybee, let's not concentrate only on one side of the equation. Infact, It's the other side I am more concerned about. Like I said earlier, even if you have the mind of splitting the bills, is there also a plan to take up a commensurate portion of the house chores? Or do we suddenly revert to the traditional model at this stage?

darediamond:
oMO OYINBO PO GAN NI nAIRALAND OO!! Don't try my people oo. Abi ogbo nka ni? "emulate kor, simulate ni" Mo gboebo!

Emi o gbo eebo ooo

MiracleMum:
@ Mamacajah Please drop your recipe for mashed potatoes or do you use the one you described earlier (recipe from a friend).
I have pasted one below that i intend to try out but i have issues with the boldened part. Dont know how it will be preserved after adding formula. Mama's that know better, please put me through. Thank you.

How to make Potato Puree:
Ingredients:
Potato - 1 medium size (fresh & white variety)
Formula Milk Powder - 1 scoop ( I use lactogen )
Water - 3 to 4 tblspn + for boiling potatoes

Method:
Take a firm, fresh, white potato. Peel it and cube them. Wash it well in cold water.

Add it to a sauce pan, cover it with clean water. Put it on stove and bring it to boil.

Simmer the flame and cook till the potatoes are tender. This will take around 15 mins.

Now drain it and put it in a bowl. Mash it up in a mortar or blender.

Now to make the puree creamy, make some formula milk. Dissolve some formula milk powder which you are using for your baby in some warm water. Pour this over the mashed potato and mash it more to make it creamy.

Transfer this to a bowl and feed your baby with a spoon.

Cc sayoberry

Pls tell me when to stop o

jaybee3:
What do you advocate the wife's salary be used for if he already provides extra resource for all the essential house chores

Should a marriage be viewed from a competition view point?

No Jaybee, it's not and shouldn't ever be about competition. Competition is more like we are trying to outdo each other or trying to prove who is better. Not at all.

Again, all this stems from my observation (past and present) - a guy wants someone he can share the bills with (cool) but he doesn't think he should take up more house chores (not cool), and he doesn't want the headship compromised in any way (will that work?).

As per what the woman uses her money for - honestly, I don't think a man should be concerned about that. He should just provide the basics and if she needs to add value to anything, let her do so as she deems fit. A simple example is the school fees/miscellaneous money I gave above.
There was this thread about a lady who wanted to further her studies and also take some prof. exams but she was maintaining a joint account with her husband and he wasn't favorably disposed to it. He would rather used the joint account funds for some white elephant projects and when she insisted, the issues started causing friction in the home and was soon spreading to other areas in the home (she was earning much more than her hubby in this particular case and felt should should be given some freedom to utilize her income). He also started accusing her of not submitting to him. So I think a man should strive to provide the basics and hopefully, his good wife will know how to cover up her man's unclothedness

debosky:
^^ Women are overworked by being expected to drop cash and do all/most of the housework.

It's not fair.

Thank you for kindly taking the time to explain to Pickabeau.
Pick, you get it now?

Balance and equality - do these two words means the same in the home/marriage context? I don't think so.

My simple twisted layman's definition - equality is like sharing everything (finances et al.) in a 50:50 ratio eg we share the bills equally, contribute to projects equally, divide house chores equally etc Trying to find a balance is trying to ensure that whatever part of the job you are taking up, you are not taking up more portion in total than the other party. Everything do not have to be equally divided in arriving at a balanced, unskewed point. This is me thinking aloud oo

coogar:
how did our mothers cope?
i am extremely tired of the complaints of the 21st century wives.

ask them to stay at home and they would complain that they are being marginalised.
ask them to work 9-5 and they would still complain they do all the work.

Coogar, you sound like you are truly tired and angry. I don't even know how to respond to this
Lemme give you some time to calm down

Okay, how mothers coped because they were not expected/mandated like we do now to contribute financially to the running of the home. Even if they were in any minor or major business/career, the income was spent strictly at their discretion. I can't remember asking my mother for my school fees or giving her the NEPA bills, it went straight to my dad. But I remember going to her for any money that involved school excursion, cultural day, send forth party, end of the year party and all other miscellaneous expenses. I didn't even have the liver to go to my dad for such things but clearly, that ain't the case anymore. That's the difference Coogar. Things have changed significantly on that level but not so much in the home

TV, I am cool with your conclusion. Pls help preach the word!

But just in case he cannot provide like he wants to or should do, he should also compromise generously on the house chores.

jaybee3:
I think the formatting is the only question mark but then again it's really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things

I've left you in good hands

Thanks

jaybee3:
You joker

Got my mail?

Lol...just saw it now. Thanks

Which do you think is better - the first one or second one

ApexTitan:
Ah, the issue that the edited line in your post addressed in Carrin's story is what drew my attention. The fact that she - or maybe it was the writer - identified immediately with her vocations as a yoga practitioner, a writer and only later, as though as an after thought, as a mother seemed improper to me.

Regarding this matter of helping around the house I think a clear understanding of what roles each partner plays combined with reasonable expectations will bring about a harmonious solution for married couples. 

There is this growing push for men to be more involved in household chores and from a distance it's all fair and reasonable. It is on closer observation where I find that the reason for this push is predicated on the idea that the partners in marriage are co-equals and that their roles are  androgynous in nature. I think it's this type of outlook that sets the stage for many kinds of domestic problems.

One of the attributes of the husband is that he is the provider and though modern times have compelled women to play this role to varying degrees I will not go into marriage with the expectation of the woman's (financial) contribution. Ergo where the woman is complaining that she is overwhelmed by household chores because she trying to make ends meet I see it as a failure on the part of the man. 

Having said that, as an individual I personally do not shy away from chores. I am the type that derives a certain pleasure in seeing my personal environment and things clean and well placed so doing what it takes to make them so is not a problem for me.

Pls trust me, this is not driven by the equality push. Naaaaaa

Asides from the fact that I have observed this trend for a long time, NL made me realise it is eating deeper into our boys/men. Some time ago, a thread went on front page about men being full providers. Nearly every guy on that thread was mad, really mad at the idea of the wife not contributing financially in the home. Like who wants a liability, they all said. I remember only one guy named Toks, was unapologetically in support of full provision. Infact, I think I had to call Pickabeau to that thread.

Then I saw another thread concerning men and housework, or this recent thread on men marrying educated ladies - and again, the overwhelming response is that most guys are not prone to doing house chores when the woman is available, and most men will also not like to marry a more educated lady than themselves because their don't want their headship challenged in any way.

I sense a disconnect between these two things. Men now agree a woman must provide but still think she should be fully in charge of running the home and also want to retain headship. If this thought is not curbed, I foresee a lot of future problems in the home because one cannot eat his cake and still have it. Something must give for something like our people say.

I perfectly agree with every other thing in your post especially the bolded. I strongly suspect Jaybee and raumdeuer will punch me in the face for it sha but the statement sweet me for belle I no go lie

TV01:
Regards chores, I don't take that approach of tasks to be divvied up. And I’d also wonder at an equalist approach. I have a more expansive view - effort, preferences, strengths, contribution, convenience and balance.

There is nothing in the home - bar one or two things - that I cannot do. It's a matter of responsibility & often necessity. Commanding means being competent as well. Which soldier is there that will really respect a general with no battle experience?

My wife isn't feeling heavy lifting, or jobs too dirty for anything more than a pair of kitchen gloves . I do all the heavy stuff. But the heavy stuff is not as frequent as the day to day lighter stuff. So typically I'm pitching in - in a nutshell we will both tend to be doing one of the numerous things that need attending to. Balance & effort

My wife likes loading - the expensive machine she made me buy - and folding. I find hanging very calming ! As able, we tend to do this jointly. Preferences, strengths.

I appreciate the "busy life" aspect of Carrin' story - as that can be the case with just one job each and a few children.

If I sense my wife is tired or overdoing it, I simply tell her to carry it over, or take it over myself. Overall I'm stronger, so in a relative sense probably do more. Contribution & balance.

It’s not “chores”, it’s managing my household and ensuring everyone is well and everything is in order.
TV

TV, I strongly suspect Carrin's husband is going to write something like this if he is asked about the chores he does at home. The bolded makes me think so. Remember Carrin prides herself at being able to do so much at once and doesn't complain, but in reality, she is overworked and admits it to herself a few times. I dare say many women are like that by nature..

jaybee3:
No amount of concentration on nitty-gritty during courtship will subvert eventuality if people still foolishly use hope/faith when making life changing decisions

Jaybee, this single sentence carries too much weight biko. Pls come down to my primary school level

TV01:
Ok, we'll give her the benefit of the doubt. The fact remains that she is juggling a number of "jobs" along with motherhood. Without doing what the writer of the article might have done - project onto her situation - lets look at things;

Both husband and wife work as well as raise kids - "if we agree" that raising the kids and keeping the maritla bond strong is a priority, then it stands to reason that she may have to think about sacrificing some of her "multiple career aspirations" to make this happen.

Her husband is also a lawyer. How much is their combined income (all pursuits?), how much do they actually need to live comfortably as opossed to straining to attain level or not thinking of sacrificing personal desires for the long-term interest of the whole. ApexTitan is right if "we agree"

TV, pls allow me and my questions. I have not eaten this morning.

Are you advocating that a woman who thinks she is taking up too much should relieve herself of some others duties/jobs/pleasures to give her more time for the home? If this is it, don't you think she will be a very unfulfilled and dissatisfied wife/mother? If she is not happy, can she give what doesn't have?
In Carrin's case, the husband as was said to be cherry picking the "leisure" jobs around the house even when Carrin is contributing a substantial part of the finances.

So the first point I'd make is that the priorities of the couple drive a lot of the dynamic

And this brings us to todays reality for most - the need for a dual income. I'll say this to start, yes, womens earnings - or economic empowerment - are on the rise, and they are making increasing contribution to household finances. However, the fact remains, that in the vast majority of cases men are still the major contributors or sole breadwinners where there is just the one.

Agree but also, the ratio of women taking up bigger chunks of the financial expenses in the home is increasing by the day...

I don't believe the relative financial contributions should have any bearing on the dynamic in terms of headship - just like any other factor, age, looks, education etc. But in practice it may be hard for some to maintain that line, dependant on a number of factors. And obviously not all actually subsribe to the notion of headship in a biblical sense.
TV

Agree with this. Biblically, headship shouldn't be tied to provision, but in reality and as humans, we know it becomes increasing difficult for a woman to submit to a man who neither provides(or provides little) in the home and still think he shouldn't be do chores

thorpido:
It is skewed.I agree people do change and there are people who stop doing things they were used to doing.You can never know everything about a person during courtship but one can know enough if you pay attention.
Some men are traditional men and they are not willing to change that.It will be hard for such women who marry such men.

True, if only we can all pay attention to details during courtship, so many major issues will be averted later.

Tyconcepts - happy birthday dear

Justcurious - you made me laugh...you need a new jeep true true. I'll be on the lookout for the guy

Goldmine - so much wisdom from you again. You're blessed

Lightedpath - it's part of the awesome package but you are nearly there naa, just go and register with October class captain, no need to eye them from afar

Deezou:
Thanks all for asking after me.finally @ d hosp and they just induce me.pray 4 me pls.will get back if possible soonest

Corrected though I understand what you meant but we are not taking any chances. We will hear your bs very soon

Niyyah:
Morning mamas, pls av bin aving ths mild/dull menstrual like pain in my lower abdomen and its radiating tru awt my legs, on and off inner vag ache and funny lower back pain, i dunno if it's normal And my gynae is out of town
Am 38weeks gone nw

Na so labour dey start ooo especially since you are 38 weeks (full term)

Those menstrual pain like discomforts na him we dey call contractions oo

Pls start timing it, call your doctor and start packing for the hospital. Be ready to meet ur baby soon.

Babalawoo:
You're beautiful

babalwao wey dey catch fine geh on 419 thread

pickabeau1:
It ain't really right

Pick, apex una don come o (netotse, pls don't join them abeg)

Bet seriously guys, I would only be worried if that article was written by Carrin herself but it isn't. It was written by a writer who drew up his conclusions about her life and you know how writers are. They earn money from writing for a reason. Pls don't be distracted from the main issue because of that.

**edited** she is first and foremost a mother to her kids...

So Pickabeau1 and apextitan - ur thoughts pls

thorpido:
For single ladies,the most important decision they would ever make for themselves is 'who' they choose to marry.
In our contemporary world,most families cannot survive on income from just one partner.The woman too has to work,not just to earn an income but also because of the fulfilment of building a career for herself.It means less time for the home and more work to do.
It's very important that a woman who works and is planning to get married should look for a man that is domesticated.I don't know what a lot of girls do when dating but if I was a girl dating a guy,one of the very important things I'll look for is how you take care of your apartment.How do you get your clothes washed,the floors kept clean and your kitchen?Do you cook or eat out as a bachelor?These things would be important to me.If the man you also want to marry expect you to share bills(i believe you should have discussed this),is he also going to take up chores?
I follow the old model.I don't share bills with my wife.I practically take up the essentials,food,rent,school fees,light,gen etc.She acts as a back up and support and mainly takes care of luxuries.I however still do house work.One,because I'm used to it.I grew up doing those things and did as a bachelor.I used to wash the basket of clothes until we got a washing machine and still mop floors.Two,i'm human.If you see your partner is tired,why would you fold your arms and let her keep doing all the work?

Dr T, I perfectly agree with you that these things should be discussed during courtship, and choosing a spouse is one of, if not the most important decision one will make in life. It can either make or mar one.

But again, I guess people change. Or maybe people pretend. If not, why do people love up, court for several years and still end up getting divorced. I personally know a couple that dated for 8 years and stayed married only for 7 years. I dont understand it rather than the fact that marriage changes some people. I might feel it's okay to do some things as a boyfriend/girlfriend which my girlfriend/boyfriend will take for granted and think it's settled but unfortunately, I do not believe in doing the same thing as a married. It's weird but it happens. A personal example - My husband loves to and is an expert at making the bed, he will do it perfectly without a single rumple. We got married and for a year, he was still making it but one day, he just insisted and said I should start making it. lol..I protested and told him he could make it better than I did naa. I didn't and still don't have that patience of perfectly smoothing a 6 by 6 bed . Na lie o, the young man insisted I had to do it. Gratefully, it's a petty issue so I didn't mind but I realise, this could have been a bigger issue.

Hence, I am personally not quick to ascribe issues to pre-marriage negligence. But i honestly agree that one needs to identify these issues as much as possible and talk about them during courtship.

You run the traditional model too and I think so far, the men that have responded run this model. I'll say your wife is even over lucky sef that you fully provide and are also domesticated. Pls tell her she's one lucky wife.

Lastly, I agree that it's becoming difficult for families to depend on one source of income, my problem with it is the domestication part where the woman is still fully/mostly responsible for the chores. Isn't that skewed already?

EfemenaXY:
Sad ke, they look mean jare. Anyway, how's Omomo kicking?

Where did you get that pic from? Have you seen the facial expression of the woman at the far end?

That's one hard babe. Thing is, I'm trying to decide who I think looks more like her on this thread. It's a fair toss between Naijababe and Edwife. I mean those girls don't joke with their exercise routines...but then again, that woman could be either Kimoni or Opella.

Why am I looking for trouble this evening?

Efe, Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

No need of responding till next week saturday

thelish:
Those times are kinda sweeter oo
All d hide n seek nacking (illegal sex)was superb. I miss those times mehn.

You see ya life?

edwife:
Choi,i can't corrupt her-she is more deadlier,i be learner na.

Babes too many distractions on this forum,person no fit breath again.

I will tell you,when you are free i will holla at you.

Not me!!!!!!!

Thanks for sharing goldmine. God bless.

Hmnnnnnnn - I was about asking God why he created men, then I remembered that without them, there will be no pregnancy thread so we actually need them to fertilize our egos. Ok ooo

ahnie and blessedtwins - pls try and connect with each other like blessedtwins suggested. There are several things you might not be able to share us but which you will be able to tell each other. Also, it's more effective when someone who is passing through the same thing advises you. You can be strong for each other and advise each other better.

Blessedtwins - you didn't say if you were working, if you are not, you need to as a matter of urgency, to start a business or get a job. You need to be financially independent. Redeeming yourself will even be easier for you cuz your parents are already aware of the situation and are mad at him for treating you that way. Some women are so unlucky because even their parents are not on their side.

But if you are working, my advice to you and ahnie is - it is never okay to stay with a man who physically abuses one constantly. There is a very thin line between life and death, and that line is even thinner for someone who is being physically abused. I would rather be single and be a mother to my children than die as a Mrs. Mba!

There is no hope of reconciliation between an abuser and a dead wife but there is every chance of future reconciliation between a changed man and his seperated living wife. Pls, mothers, carefully and strategically plan your exit from any man who is physically abusing you. Many women have died because they kept on persevering. It will end in praise for us all.

Chimah414 - you are in our prayers. Whatever storm you are going through will be stilled by He alone who is able to calm every storm. It is well with you.

Nkkystel - God bless you for being there for your sister. Sometimes, men like that need a stronger in-law to show them that khaki no be leather.

Deezou - how are you? My water also broke without contractions and I was told I could only be in that situation for 24 hrs maximum to avoid infections to the baby. Force them to attend to you this morning but pls ensure you use a clean toilet and change your pad frequently while you are waiting for labour to start. It will end in praise