₦airaland Forum

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You did not make any comment on the most important aspect of this issue. Is she faithful? If the answer is "Yes" then she simply has insecurities because of her background. She will get better with time.

There are times I wonder what we even think children are. These are human beings who due to age and maturity have to rely on their parent to do what is best for them till they come of age.

That child s life have little to do with yours or his dad s own. I know it is hard to swallow this but your decision should be in your child's best interest.

I am not telling you to release him or not. This is not just about Europe or Nigeria, his dad's character is extremely important here too. Whether he remembers you or not ( he probably will) should not be part of this discussion.

Karlifate:
...is in big trouble

If only he could turn back the hands of time.

Jonathan Majors

BigBashiru:
The reason women leave men after they go abroad is because marriage is not necessary abroad....the woman is given money by government, the police are responsive, what do you need marriage for??

Marriage is an outdated tradition abroad. Totally unnecessary. Humans naturally get tired of one another but cling on each other for survival. Once you exit survival mode, you will naturally want to have more freedom to explore life. Once you are in a non- judgemental society, the rest is history.

ReluctantAdult:
Well, on that note, you have to look real hard and run real fast because people's desperation and greed nowadays is something else o

If you look real hard, you will be on the run all the time .

ReluctantAdult:
Well, if I have to work and sweat in this world to get something or attain a certain level, then I'm paranoid enough to know not to risk all of my achievements on the uncertainty of a 'committed relationship' bound by laws that would wreck me when shit goes south.

You have to protect yourself and what's yours at all times. You won't be having it forever, so all you can do is to hand it over to who you want to, not lose it all to some manipulative crook just because you're emotionally vulnerable and blindsided.

nice submission except the manipulative crook part. There are millions of men worldwide whose lives changed for the better after marriage. It still boils down to knowing where to look and when to run.

I agree with you though. Generally the demerits of a modern marriage are more than the merits for a man. If you can, avoid it, if you cannot marry and learn your lessons.

ReluctantAdult:
Men are so needy they get themselves into unnecessary troubles. What do you need a woman for, asides sex?
I don't see why I'd want to have a wife or girlfriend or anything like that. Humans aren't infallible. Can't have so much trust in anyone to voluntarily put myself in a position where I'm super vulnerable to them, not when it's avoidable.
So when she eventually manifests her imperfections, because she surely will, you're provoked to do stupid emotional shi that gets you in trouble and risk all of your livelihood and gains but you could have avoided all of that in the first place? No?!
So why do you have to go put yourself in that mess? !

Anything beyond friendship, FWB or a one-night stand is not for me. Never been emotionally needy, never will be. I got family and they're enough.

Personally I see no issue with being in a committed relationship with someone but you have to apply knowledge (I consider it as one of life s necessary experience whether it ends well or not). If you watch this video, you can deduce the following

1. The man has nothing in Nigeria.
2. The man brought not only the wife to the UK but her family member too.
3. The man is about to complete his mortgage.

Perfect timing for the lady. Imagine a different scenario where the man got to know his woman on time and does the following

1. Keep investing all his savings in Nigeria
2. Refuse to spend HIS money to bring anybody over
3. Keep staying in a rented apartment (no mortgage) or insist that both names will be on the mortgage and payment will be 50 -50.
4. Limit his family size on time.

He might still be kicked out though but in that case, there won't be any video of this kind.

budaatum:
Seriously, I want to feel compassion for you men, but its hard to feel compassion for pigs who's only redeeming point is the house.

How about being a valuable loving husband that I'd rather not live in the house without?

Try harder! You can.

I understand your position but the reality in life is that we are all insatiable and there will always be someone somewhere that is better than us in certain aspects of our lives. You can be the best loving husband in the UK yet your wife will simply get bored of you and want something new.

Kicking the man out of the house means she gets to live there with the kids and also have the freedom and a "good reason" to explore life in multiple directions. In most cases, it has little or nothing to do with the man. Of course she has her reasons like the man is this and that but no one is perfect.

For example lets say she had a mind blowing sexual experience with a much younger colleague, she will attach emotions to the act and her husband will start disgusting her sexually. The disrespect starts and she will start complaining of all the imperfections in her husband ( he is human) that she has been tolerating while waiting for the next opportunity to meet her colleague. Things will eventually escalate at home and he will be kicked out.

If you ask her what happened, she will tell you that the man did this and that but watch her life once the man is out of the picture, you will see that his replacement was in the picture all the while.

As for the man, he should stop all these hopeless act, get a lawyer and fight for his right. After 23 yrs, he is most likely a citizen. He should forget emotions and negotiate.

Your plans are very good and I understand your wife's perspective too. The only problem I have is this;

If you are leaving Nigeria to a Western country on RELOCATION basis then there is really no need to fast track anything. Take things slow, learn the ropes and integrate into the society.

There are jobs in US so she can always keep herself busy, earn some cash while time sort things out.

Your wife plans to SECURE her stay in the US using her nursing degree in case you do not get a job after your PHD or you plan to go back to Nigeria. Whether she will keep you around if you ever depend on her VISA is what I do not know. I see nothing wrong with her decision. She is looking out for herself, you should do that as well.

Kindly read up briffaults law, it is real.

Sorry about your experience. Based on your story I assume that her mother told the police that you were an internet fraudster that was cohabiting with her underaged daughter.

You did not commit any crime ( if your story is true) and do not deserve the treatment that was meted out to you.

It is likely that your girl lied about being abused or you both made it up to justify your hormone driven actions.

Do not bear grudge. The system is not perfect. Learn from this experience.

Since your girl was loyal to you, please be there for her.

Most parents despite their differences want the best for their children so I believe there might have been some miscommunication between you and her parents.

Try your best to forgive and forget this incident.

IF YOU BELIEVE THAT THIS RELATIONSHIP IS RIGHT FOR YOU ( I have strong reservations about this though), reach out to your girl's parents and dialogue with them.

Goodluck.

younowell:
Saying 75% is like saying 8 out of 10 men.. that's quite a lot though! I think if we have figure less than 50% then I feel men should marry ,if otherwise we have figure greater than 50% then I think men should not consider marriage.

As a man, once you do not offer value ( money, connections e.t.c) at old age, you will be lonely family wise.

Kelvin Costner 's wife is asking for 248,000 dollars monthly for child support. This is aside healthcare, educational fees and accomodation needs of the kids that will still be taken care of by Kelvin.

Guys hustle oooo so your child support and alimony will keep increasing.

The reality is that if you marry this girl, you will still run but all your runs will be within the marriage till you run away from the marriage.

You will run from your home to your workplace, run from your workplace to a beer parlour joint and run from the beer parlour joint to your side chick home. You will fake meetings just to run away from home.

The only times you will crawl is when you have to go home. Better run away from this relationship now.

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

My dear OP

I am really sorry about your situation but I have to be blunt with you. Your marriage will be over in a couple of years. Take these steps

1. Stop monitoring your wife in any form. Zero intrusive calls and all that.

2. Assume everything is normal in your day to day activities.

3. Insist that all bills should be split 50-50.

4. Empower your wife financially as much as possible ( invest heavily in her self development) so she will find divorce very attractive and file for one.

5. Sign the divorce papers as soon as she presents it. This part is extremely important because she can come to her senses and change her mind.

6. Do not fight for your kids custody but insist on visitation rights.

7. Live your life to the fullest.

Ransomware:
you still don't get it. She did that guy a favor. If she had gone ahead to marry him, it would have been a horrible marriage. It is best he cuts his loss and move on. she does not owe him marriage but if this small change like school fees will make her become this, Is this the person you want to sleep and wake up next to everyday?
you guys are all bent out of shape because of the money involved, but money is not greater than peace of mind

We are saying the same thing differently. It will be a horrible marriage because she is not a good person and she should know that.

Ransomware:
Bossman. If you lend a so called good friend 10k and they disappear because they have your money now? Consider that a good investment. If you think the money he paid for fees is worth marrying into a life of pure agony, then yoy dont know the value of life or money.

We can always make up excuses to protect our self interest. I made my judgement based on the reasons she gave. She did not give any impression that the guy took advantage of her. Happiness is based on so many factors including knowledge and exposure. Making sacrifices plays a big role in relationships.

Making this video is enough to tell you she is trying hard to justify her actions. I understand your viewpoint but I strongly believe that we should all be considerate when pursuing our self interest.

Ransomware:
Ok young blood, allow me to break this down into crayons for you.




1. The man started training her in school hoping to marry her after school.

- Hope is not a strategy, dont confuse the 2

2. His family objected to the idea

- When you throw money from a moving car, I bet your family will object to that as well, does it mean the people who picked the money owe you marriage or whatever you were hoping for?

3. But he did (girl's statement of appreciation confirmed that).

- He made that decision, the girl did not force him. He got advice from his family but decided to go with his erection, now you lot are here flapping your gum. The lack of personal responsibility and accountability is what is holding Nigeria down. the absolute need to blame others when you were the one who made the decision and acted on that decision.

4. Despite knowing the family's position, she still accepted the offer

- If you know that the person tossing 1000 naira bills from a moving car on the highway is drunk, will you not pick up the money because he is drunk?

5. Done with school now, she suddenly looked back to Babylon like the biblical lot's wife.

- Do you know that people walk away from marriage at the altar? after all the money spent on the occasion.
If it doesn't feel right then it's not right. Money is not everything

From all that you have written here, all I can see is that you are either the type that will get a girl by the material thing you can offer her or you are the "come and save me type".
here is my advice. No one is coming, the earlier you know that the faster you will pull yourself up by the bootstraps. If you think that another human being owes you marriage because you paid her fees, then you are in for a miserable life in that marriage.
If you are confident in yourself as a man, then you will never hinge marriage on material things or your monetary income.

Another quick piece of advice for you boys and girls out there. go into marriage thinking of what you can offer not what you will get. It is a life of service, as a man, you will do most of the work, that woman and the kids live in your domain, you don't lord over them because you paid their fees, its your bleeping job. it is a life of service. it is not a show of dominance.
To you young bulls looking at older couples outside and you see the wife kneeling and being submissive by her husband, that did not come by him lording over her or reminding her of all the things he did for her. That came from that man being a caregiver, a helper, a listener, a provider, a firm person, an intelligent decision-maker, and a faithful man at home. The wife will worship him outside but you young boys think it is because he acts like a tyrant. love does not come from fear, pretense to survive is what you get.

have a productive day

I listened to that video twice. All the things she said were the reasons why she cannot marry the guy are actually the reasons why she should marry the guy. it is unfortunate that we live in a very selfish world where we no longer understand the concept of sacrifice. We feel so entitled and self centered and call it freedom of choice.

When you have plans with someone and the person makes reasonable sacrifices, you do not jump ship because you now have better options. You work with the person to make your other options less attractive.

intruder15:
Remove the notion that she is married to you even though you have done trad. Most ladies don't see themselves married until they have done their white wedding.

There is really nothing to talk about as you didn't see anything incriminating from her. When your girl is chatting with a guy, ignore what the guy says to her and read only her responses. That should guide if you should be worried or not.

There is nothing you had stated earlier that warrants you to be scared or confront her. When you are done with your white wedding, you can then change it for her if such conversation exist afterwards.

.

luminouz:
You sound surprised?

I am not!!!

I am surprised. That was cold. She visited him twice in prison most likely to assess his current and future value to her. Briffault's law.

You met an international renowned football player in 2015, he married you 2 years later (2017). According you to it has been a wonderful relationship for the past 8 years filled with love and care. He was arrested 2 months ago and is currently in jail still under investigation for a sexual offence in Spain.
This is his moment of need, that point where just your support can mean the world to him. Guess what? You decided to break up with him.

All hail Joana Sanz, Dani Alves soulmate.

The primary motivation for a woman insisting on always having her way in a relationship is not that she is naturally stubborn or any other lies we men tell ourselves.

The primary motivation is to dismantle your frame and make it easier for her to make "other arrangements" while in a relationship with you or monkey branch if it benefits her.

luminouz:
He is also in Europe but stuck there? Germany is also Europe and for all I know no travel restrictions among Euro countries, unless he is illegal.

There is little he can do since that woman ALWAYS have her way. He should have controlled the narrative way back during dating or something, not after having 3 children. He can only hope the neighbours will be good to the kids(which I seriously doubt). That his wife will even be so complacent enough to trust the neighbors baffle me. That a mother will just hand over her kids to another family for 5 days when other options(foster care, nannies) are available baffles me.

The options I can give are foster care and nannies (professional ones) because I don't trust neighbors with molestation, no matter how good they appear. But I suspect the wife won't listen to any opinion but her own,so he should.be praying that the kids are TRULY safe with the neighbours till she comes back from her "CONFERENCE"

"CONFERENCE" Once a woman is adamant on a decision that takes her away from her family at the expense of her family, there is a high probability that other arrangements have been made.

shege45:
dont inform her of your coming. Surprise her, once you see her, just go through her phone. If she refuses to give you her fone, just know it’s a red flag

The way we men see women atimes surprises me. Anyone that is above 18 and read this story already knows what is happening here.

All these surprise visit and going through phones are not necessary. Oga visit Nigeria if you need to be there and not to monitor a full grown adult who has chosen her path in life. A path that does not include you.

A woman you called your wife left you in Canada and came back to Nigeria and you are thinking of surprise visit. A woman that no longer care how your sexual needs are being met.

PoliteActivist:
Open marriage means whereby you two agree you can see other people on the low, QUIETLY.
If she readily agrees, then you know she's busy

Most distant marriages ( 2 continents) are open marriages. One partner will always be in denial though.

Naijapolitics03:
Hi everyone. I'm a popular moniker on the Politics section, however, I am currently going through some turmoil in my marriage. I cant use my main moniker because of politics ish...

Few years ago (about 4 years now), I moved to Canada with an F1 Visa. At that point, I was only 28 and married with the woman I loved. We had a daughter. However, While I was in school doing my MSc, my wife came in the second year as a dependant, together with our baby. A little over a year, she started complainning about the mundane and boring lifestyle we were living in Canada. I convinced our stay in Canada is not forever, as I equally planned to move back home once I saved enough and had a child while we stay so the baby can be a citizen. Figured she could no longer cope, and perhaps the Winter wasnt really helping matter. Because of her, I wasnt staying in a Shared appartment and was paying heavily for rent, bought a decent TV so she could occupied herself with that while I am in school. Despite her mum's and family pleas, she turned deaf ears decided to move back to Nigeria, a situation I didnt find so comforting because I became terribly lonely after she left. I started working shortly after my program and made plan with her family to set her up in business in Nigeria.

Early this year, my guys back home started telling me how they often see her in club royale partying with friends. I didnt take this serious untill I started to noticed some strange whenever I called her. She stopped doing video call with me without reasons, and there are times when we would have plan to have some sexy talks on phone during the night and she would dissapoint. I asked her about the party things and she excused that with loneliness. I planned to go visit Naija by December because I missed my daughter and wife too, but tbh, I dont know the situation of things as I am scared my wife has probably been cheating on me. And I have not inform her yet of my coming home.

After you got your F1 visa, you travelled alone and stay in Canada for over a year. Your wife stayed back in Nigeria and was introduced to a "new life" . By the time she came to Canada on a dependent visa, she was already use to her free life in Nigeria that she found Canada unbearable.

The marriage you desire is over. Your wife is roaming free in Nigeria.

I will advise you to move on. Do not set up any business for her. Send upkeep money monthly.

Why are you lonely in Canada?

Intimate relationship between two adults should be smooth, devoid of drama and millions of couples are enjoying that today. Once you are in a relationship and you feel the need to start gathering 'evidence' then something is wrong.

Truthsoldier:
Good day nairalanders

There is the sweet young lady,godly,smart and intelligent lady I plan settling down soon,we are so much into each other, we have discussed so many things concerning our future but the issue here is that she told me she would not want us to have our kids in Nigeria.
I told her that there are actually some good places in Nigeria, in fact she told me she would want us to have a permanent residency over there in Canada,I told her about my work,she said that there is no problem if I would want to be coming visiting them to which I disagreed, she told me that she would want us to go there and continue more on her education and I settle and get a job there.
I tried to let her know that she may choose to have our kids born there and we still return to Nigeria, but she's having none of that,she loves me so much,but this aspect is what I want to figure out.

Should I grant her that desire of totally relocating, or let us have our home there while I work here in Port Harcourt, I would not like to stay away from my family and kids.

What should I do now?

Why is the world becoming this cold? Why are humans, both males and females becoming this ruthless? How can a woman that loves you suggest to you that she can be comfortable to have a distant marriage ( Canada and Nigeria) with you while you guys are dating? I understand that people can exploit people sometimes but we should all have limits abeg.