₦airaland Forum

agiboma: Nothing i'm a female. Since you have made up your mind go to the divorce court, you might think your going mad now, but when your kids are asking about their dad, you might find it hard to deal with. He is a womanizer he always gonna be that way, focus on your business ignore this man before you know it he gonna be chasing you and trying to spend time with you, I know from my own personal experience with such a man.
Whatever decision you make all the best.

I think we all know that you chose to stay married to a randy goat for reasons best known to you. However, what works for you might not work for others. Some women come from good families and make their own money, so they don't need to stay in a marriage that puts them at risk of HIV and other STDs. This woman has a thriving business that can support her kids; she doesn't have to put with grossly irresponsible behavior or put her health at risk to survive and live well. Different things work for different people.

Busy_body: What is unethical about Maclatunji "suggesting" atruistic sacrifice for an addict? [size=14pt]And to think he mentioned it as a sidenote and an afterthought! Sheesh [/size]

I think it's unethical to suggest "altruistic sacrifice" for an alcoholic if you can't sacrifice your own sisters first.

ziddy: Omo your yansh go smell o. Nothing like good old water & soap to clean up that zone.

Thank God say you no be woman your toto for smell even worse from all the leftover shit

That's why you shower twice a day! I am frankly the last person you want to accuse of bad hygiene. I am obsessed with hygeine; I can't even confess on here to some of the things I do to stay smell and germ free. My biggest nightmare is having a smelly body or smelly mouth. lol

Omo, the guy fall hand oh! God opened a door and he closed it! Chai!!!!

sub_zidi: @ Jenny: Update: I called him and we had 1hr discussion over the phone about the incident and we have both trashed things out.His anger was that he was calling me to get back home and i was talking back and saying in hash tone +public" leave me alone to go to work i have meeting" i apologised profusely and told him i had written an attestation letter that no matter how angry i am that i would never show any form of emotional outburst in the public,i'd sign it and put a date! He bursted out and started laughing! i also mentioned the verbal aggression bit of saying i will SLAP u, and his response was that it was a way of telling him that he's pissed and i said we would include it in the attestation that bioth of us would sign. at that point, i broke down again and started crying, i reminded him we both made decision to get married, hence he should not involve my dad as he threatened.And as u advised Jenny, i also made him understand that is left to both of to build this our beautiful r/ship and a spark of bitterness by d devil to destroy it! Alas he sobered and apologised too and promised me he would find another expression/code only too of us understand to use whenever he's angry with me!
@Ify: I never said it in that way, it was rather more of concern and sofly said but he misinterpreted it as ITK i know what i'm doing, meanwhile he was shooking d thing back inside ooo before my comment Yea he is the Lord of the manor i've decided to lay very low and let him have his way ,then win him back and jejeyly mould him like u said
@ CC/Analytical thanks for your contribution, i've called and we've made up, going fowardi would never let the sun go down on my anger again NEVER!
@ALL: For those crucifying JK on nairaland, it would shock you to know she's such an ANGEL! she's very much instrumental to the speedy reconciliation as she called me and we spoke for almost 30mins over the phone while she was advising me and it worked! Take time to understand her perspectives most times before u judge her! I love you sister and many thanks for being ther for me! please i'm still expecting your sms.
Godbless you all and may he always enrich us with his wisdom on this marital journey as the devil is seriously at work these last days to destroy marriages! Thanks y'all once again

Please don't forget to remove your number from your earlier post!

PS - Your glowing recommendation of Aunty Jenny makes this entire thread highly suspect oh! Are you sure you aren't Jenny's alter-ego?

jay bee: Is it her fault that the husband is an unrepentant arrogant cheat?
Why are women always advised to continue dipping their respective heads in fire even when the obvious outcome is always sorrow and heartache?
If she is not happy and the man ain't ready to change then divorce is highly advised. No one deserves to suffer in silence

What would you advice your own sister, To continue staying with a man that doesn't appreciate her and just view her as a s/ex bank any time he wants to ejaculate?

Of course, he conveniently forgets the fact that she tried to make it work for an entire decade!!!! Like I said earlier, nobody can say that this woman has not tried her best.

Druss: Here is my concern. You claim to be an IT company owner or some other IT related schmuck. Yet your typing skills and written language appear shiite. That said continue with your yarns.

Are you the mystery home-wrecker? Pray tell. Your hateration strongly suggests that you might be the one we've been inquiring about.

It all comes out in the wash at the very end. She might think she's being clever by hiding money but the husband knows. He might pretend not to notice it because he knows she will eventually spend all of that money on the family, it's just a matter of time. Women tend to hoard money when they feel insecure in a marriage (the money they hide is a back-up plan in case the marriage falls apart). But think about it, if the marriage stands strong with time, where is the wife going to go with all the money? Will she run away after she has saved enough or donate it to charity? Will she buy another house for herself and the children to live in? I doubt it! Once such women get comfortable and confident in the marriage, they open the bullion van and spend it all!!!! A wise man knows this and just waits; he considers his wife's hoarding as family savings for future emergencies because a marriage commitment is forever and we don't spend money in the after life.

[quote author=O king]Its in the family section cos i asked what method do we encourage our kids to use.
Do you carry baby wipes around with you? /quote]

I rarely use public toilets to do the Number 2. If I have to use a toilet that isn't mine, I just use tissue (water is not really an option outside Nigeria unless you're a pure villager at heart). The last time I used water was in my Grandma's house over a decade ago. Geez, I pray I never have to use water again; it's just gross and super-unhygienic.

Although I don't know what this is doing in the family section, wet wipes work like a charm (the type you use to clean babies)!

sub_zidi: @ Jenny: I ve been crying since i woke up like 2am till now! Please is there a way you can text me your number let me call you plssss! You seem to naturally get the drift i'm down and broken..sobbs

Oh wow! What happened? Jesus!

Like others have said, I don't see anything fundamentally wrong with your marriage. However, I suspect that your husband feels disrespected and he is taking this out on you. You should note that there is a difference between what one does and how one is perceived. You might think you've been a humble, adoring wife but both your financial histories (i.e. the fact that you once made more money than he did) have made your husband insecure and he sees disrespect in every little comment or situation.

Now that you know this, you have to work hard to reassure your husband that he is still the #1 person in your life. Jokingly remind him that he "owns" you and lavish him with attention. In fact, start jokingly calling him "Daddy" and make him feel like a boss! Put your woman's wiles to work! His ego will rise again and the insecurity will dissipate. Works like a charm! Men love having their egos stroked! Good luck!

cotton101: I'm so sorry for what ur going thru - i've been thru that pain and don't wish it on my worst enemy - how u have lasted 10 years i have no idea cos cheating is the one thing i cannot tolerate and the insult i received from some of those girls was too much.

however, you have 3 kids - yes cheating on ur spouse is grounds for divorce (even in the bible) but u have 3 kids, their father may not be playing his role well , but children need that father figure in their life - u have lasted 10 years - i'm not advocating u remain and go mad but you really need to do something to get ur mind off his cheating, karma has a way of dealing with people. just keep praying and know that God is not sleeping.

will post later as duty calls right now.

I think the notion that children need a father figure, ANY father figure in their lives is misconceived. A child is much better off WITHOUT a father figure if the father is an irresponsible liar and cheat. Nothing destroys the psyche of young boys and young girls more than observing their father disrespect their mum over and over again. It teaches the boys that women are of no consequence and they end up mistreating their wives and girlfriends and it teaches the girls that they have no value and they end up becoming the punching bags and welcome mats of tomorrow.

There are lots of children who grow up without a father in their lives and do VERY well. Besides there are alternatives like responsible uncles (and who knows, you might remarry). Given the additional details you provided, I think you'll do alright. We thank God that you can provide for yourself and your children. I pray that God gives you the grace to carry your cross with ease.

There are certainly grounds for a divorce and nobody can say that you have not tried to make it work given that you have stayed in the marriage for 10years. However, I must caution you that divorce is not something you go into lightly. It is no joke to raise 3 children on your own. Think about the school fees for all three children. Consider the rent! It's not easy oh! My mum's youngest sister tried it on her own for a few years and she had to run back because the burden was killing her. Just think through the implications of leaving and make adequate plans before making the move. Good luck!

This Sisi Kill na real wah! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for the laugh.

Just out of curiosity, how old are you? These kinds of things tend to get better with time and maturity. You have taken the first step by being aware that something is wrong. You need to take it further by letting this awareness intervene the next time you're in a bad mood or pissed-off. It's a long slow process but one that you ABSOLUTELY must go through because you can't go into the workplace or into marriage without being able to control and adjust what you say. Good luck! I am sure you'll be fine.

plaetton: Ouch! That hurts! That was rather too harsh of you!
Science is more of a question mark,rather than an answer. Its beauty is its ability to correct itself in the face of superior knowledge. The issue in question has been much researched and written about it. I'm aware of many many studies affirming tHis claim and perhaps one study denying the same claim. As I said earlier, I'm inclined to believe those affriming the claim. You are equally inclined to pitch your tent with those denying the claim. Psychology, especially behavioural psychology is not an exact science. You should know that there are just to many conflictng theories , each backed by its own set of emperical data.Studies in the field of behavioural psychology are designed to focus on the perpective of the author. The same study can show varying results depending on whether the author approached from a Freudian , Jungian or other behavioural perspective.

My point is that in the field of behavioral psychology, one study does not automatically invalidate many others , it just adds a different perspective.
The global warming debate is another typical example where notable scientists with thier own scientific data seem to be on opposite sides . Which would you call superstition, that glo bal warming is real and is man made, or that it is just a natural cycle that has nothing to do with man's activities. Since science is on both sides of this debate, it becomes a matter of which side do you feel safer with.

I realy dont have a problem with your disagreement, except for refering to it as superstition. My point is that something that has been vigorously studied in a scientific manner, and perhaps debated cannot be casualy brushed off as superstition by someone, whom i assume, has not authored any such study but has just chosen to cling on to the result of just one study out of many.

The op asked a simple question, not for a scientific treatise. As such, anyone is free to offer advice as long as such is not potentially harmful.
Music, clasical music, has positive influences on children and adults, myself included(and that is not superstiton ). Even without a scientific study, i'm inclined to believe that music would also have positive influence on infants and perhaps grwing fetuses.

Point taken but I still don't buy it. I have seen some pretty stupid research and not everything that has been researched is worth basing your life on. The problem is there are LOTS of these types of threads on Nairaland with different people contributing superstitions, fantasies and pure foolery. That's all fine and dandy; just don't claim something as scientific fact without providing a credible source. I posted a source debunking the claim. Where is yours, ma'am?

There are too many unknowns in this story to give a definite answer. Your husband's issues could stem from many different reasons. Regardless of what demons are tormenting him, he should't be laying his hands on you for any reason under the sun. I am tired of contributing to spousal violence threads on NL; it's the same story over and over again. Nigeria is just on a different planet when it comes to this issue.

chaircover: I dont think that there is anything you can do to increase smartness and intelligence of an unborn baby. After the baby is born yes.

Say it ain't so?!!!! You mean all the D'Banj songs Busy Body has been playing religiously for the eggs in her ovaries have been doing no good? All dat dancing and sweating will not make her babies smarter?!!! Wow! This must be really disappointing news for her!!!

Sisi_Kill: Hey, I can take insults to my person but you leave Moremi out of this!!!

He's proven in more ways than one, that he is not blinded by male chauvinism. . .he might have his little quirks (who doesn't) but he doesn't his male ego get in the way of seeing things the way they are. He will call a man out just as he would a woman if they are in the wrong. No petty petty my fellow man even if he is wrong moves for him.

So, OP is more inclined to follow your advice eh? Ooooooh, is someone playing the "Na! Na! Na! My advice is better than yours! Score 1 for me!! Yipeee ki yay Murrasuckas" card? Hmmm, surely this can't be you!! Not Mr. nobody has a monopoly on being right.

Yep, It can't be you!! So I have to ask. . .who are you and what have you done to my real uncle!! Tell me!! Tell me!!!

Anyidentitycrisishoo, I won't worry about OP. . .his response to your find a strong woman to loooooove the alcoholism outta your brother theory tells me he knows better.

I must commend you for your patience with slow people; I just can't!!!! Some things are just not worth debating. The argument is beyond foolish, it is borderline cruel. So his first wife who bore him a son is not up to the job of wife because she couldn't take the violence anymore and left? And yet somehow, another wife will solve the problem? Please let's stop dignifying this type of thinking with a debate. Let the monkeys continue to grapple with medieval thoughts while the rest of human civilization moves on to more advance topics.

The bride price is usually a token. Just save up your money for a big owambe wedding! We Yoruba's love to parry!

Some women are paranoid crazies oh! The poor man probably just went to play with himself in the bathroom! LOL!!!!

Some people are just mildly r@tarded. When did a wife become a remedy for alcoholism? What kind of rubbish theory is this? What is the new woman going to bring to the table that the old one didn't? Our country is in trouble oh!

plaetton: i reiterate my earlier position that neuroscience is still very far from a complete understanding of neural development.it is needless to turn a simple discussion into an acedemic exercise. The fact that much research has been done on this subject removes it from the real of superstition into the realm of a hypothesis, at least.
The fact Gordon shaw, whom you quote , does not contradict the findings of these research but only says that the studies focused on older kids, indicates, once again that what we are talking about here is beyond the realm of superstitions.

here are a few links.
http://www.educationoasis.com/resources/Articles/building_babys_brain.htm

Please stop with this slippery slope nonsense excuse that science doesn't have a complete understanding of the world. Any fool can use the same excuse to defend Santa Claus and leprechauns. This thread was created to seek prescriptive advice. You don't give people advice based on unproven hypotheses! Anybody can come up with any kind of hypothesis at any time. Until proven by science, an hypothesis is no different or no better than superstition, especially when it comes to prescribing action/inaction.

However, it's a free world. You can dance ballet, fight jujitsu and play Obesere to your fetus if you like; nah you get am to do as you please. In fact, if you like, you can play recordings of Bill Gates' voice to your fetus, over and over again! Just don't come on here and try to pass off pure conjecture as scientific fact. We're quite a bit beyond that nonsense on Nairaland.

Odunnu: I have just learnt that alchoholism is treated with drugs & medicament like a medical problem. Wow.

Yes. There is a difference between alcohol abuse and alcoholism. Alcohol abuse is more common and is often manifested by binge-drinking. Alcoholism is a physical dependency on alcohol that often interferes severely with work and one's personal life. Persons suffering from alcoholism often have little control over their cravings, like a drug addict. Drinking stops being a stress-reliever and becomes a daily medicine for survival. At this point, alcohol withdrawal can be fatal (withdrawal symptoms and effects are often severe enough to kill).

OtunbaGm: Thanks at maclatunji,
You are always on point. After he left the hospital he look so thin that he needs to recover. The most difficult thing in life is to recommend someone for a job when you are not too sure of what he may do tomorrow.

We are only trying to help him, so many are dead today but when there is life there is hope. I am tried of preaching to him.

You said something he will value, please like what? if you give my brother 50 naira, thats is enough to do the damage for the day. His situation has gone to that level, he is going straight to ogogoro joint. I dont want any pity for him but a way out!

I honestly don't see what a man can possibly value more than his wife and son; if your brother's wife and son couldn't keep him from the bottle, then there is no type of "project" that can accomplish this miracle. What your brother has is a physical addiction to alcohol. His drinking problem appears to be beyond attempts to inspire behavioral changes. He needs medical help from a psychiatrist who can not only help with the alcoholism but also help with underlying psychological conditions like depression or bipolar disorder. Go research substance addiction centers in and around Lagos that might be able to help or point you in the right direction. I am not a medical doctor but I know that alcoholism can be treated and managed effectively with a combination of drugs (e.g. Disulfiram) and therapy. Treat this like the serious medical condition that it is; not some behavioral problem that can go away with "advice" and "preaching". The longer you wait, the harsher the damage to his liver and brain.

dainventor: Thanks ur Honorable Idiot.... I must say u are an afficionado of foolishness.....

Please do well to look up my site at www.dainventor.yolasite.com

Thanks.

See how mumu fall my hand! WTF does the mad ramblings on your website have to do with a "media career"? I can see why your father wants to kick you out of his house: you're clearly mentally unstable. Please explain WTF this r*tarded from your "website" means: "Though, i have been out of school for four years now, i have been able to aquire knowledge enough to shift this planet from orbit."

LMAO!!!!!!!! You f*cking crazy dunce! You haven't been able to pass JAMB for 4 years?!!! Bloody scammer! I just feel sorry for the poor kids you're going to scam into paying N1,000 to hear you regurgitate material they can find for free on the Internet. You had better shut-up and GTFOH before I completely destroy you. If you're as smart as you claim to be, go pass JAMB and go learn book! Stop believing your own delusions of greatness and go apologize to your father for being a useless son.