₦airaland Forum

I suspects the kids were forced to agreed to marry to save Sarah Palin from political disgrace. And now that she lose the VP bid, the boy had to exercise his right to choose!

@topup,
Heard you are on fb. Can we link up? I dont have your full name or email. So get mine on my nl profile and work it out.

Oh, not for anything. I just want to find a answer to a question.

@eyonngger,
C U later! I will be off soon.

@Diva,
What I suggest you do? If you are my sister, I will tell you to call a truce. Humour your guy and apologise for placing the picture on fb. Do so without antagonising him. That way, he would feel in control. He will relax. Eventually, you guys can get back together. But in your heart, you must extirpate the elements of doubt and distrust, while cautiously building back the trust. And watch your back. Watch out for any act of deceiption. Once things normalize, you can, I assure you, find the answer you seek.

Oddesius, the King of Ithaca was away from home for over 20 years. Drifting ashore and on bank of Posedium river. He ended up in the warm beds of witches and Calypso. All these while he was gracing someone's bed, he wonder whether his wife has been faithful to him!

Eventually, he got home and his curiosity was further heighten. Athena, the goddess, made it clear to him that he can only find the answer he was seeking by returning home! He did. And he found out his answer.

I say unto you, the answer you seeks will be found when he return to him. When the two of you are back together. He will tell you with is own mouth.

However, before you return to him ask yoursele:
1. Do you really love this guy?
2. Before the picture panorama, did he show enough to indicate that he loves you?
3. What are your weaknesses, and what are his? Can it be improved upon?
3. What do you want from the relationship? Can you guess what he want from you?
4. Finally, every relationship carry a measure of risk, are you ready for it? If you can, then go ahead and work on rebuilding the relationship WITH YOUR EYES and HEART WIDE OPEN. That way, you won't be hurt again.

Sincerity and trust is essential in any relationship. Work on it. Free yourself from jealousy, fear, suspicions and pessimism. LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDIND, ACKNOWLEDGE GOD, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR STEPS.

When you guys reconcile, we shall then talk afresh on how to find the answer you seeks.

Good luck

On a personal note, I believes Debosky made sense when he told you you didnt trust the guy. He was right that your lack of trust of him drove you to fb. I can say from your posts that you still love the guy and that you went to fb with your heart still with him. Only that you are seeking an answer to a question. Something you should have done differently with perfect result.

However, you applied the wrong method. Using his picture in that circumstance was very wrong. You used the pictures on a pseudo names, not on your own, not his, and you want him to smile and embrace you for a job well done. Yes, you could have tested him from the fb. Or monitored him with that account. You could have also use the false names to monitor what is going on between the guy and the said actress. That way, you will have a first hand information to use. You could have read your guys wall comments and his page, and her page and get the answer you are seeking. You didn't. You could have been a silence observer.

Putting up the picture spoilt the good works the false fb ac would have done for you.

If anyone you dont know went to internet and post a picture of you and your bf, will you embrace that fellow? Since you didnt use your real names, you acted like an intruder. . .by putting someone pix on that pseudo names.

Can you still salvage your relationship? Yes and No. It depends on what you want.
Can you still get answer to why your guy left you? Yes and No, but you can only get that answer when you return to him and when you handle the situation maturedly. You can NEVER get the answer on this page! The nearest you will get from here is how to get the answer, NOT the real answer.
Can you prevent re-occurence? Again, Yes and No.

With that piece from me, I suggest that you apologize to the guy "IF" you want reunion. He apologised when he returned, reciprocate. Once he accept your apology, you can set in motion, the machinery to find the answer to the riddles that confound you.

@topup,
thanks for the clarification. It helps.

@C2H5,
You can see from my posts I tried to refrain from making judgement. That was because I know about the imperfection of man. FYI, Olanajim did not have phd or any of the tempting degrees you ascribed to him. He is yet to make his 5 O'Level credit.

That said, I believe you posted what you did because you didnt read certain posts because they are long. Long posts are not made for fun. When you find long post, the writer must be trying to make something clear. The mistake most people do is to ignore them, and read short ones then a message will be lost.

@Diva1,
Thank you for that honest answer. From your answers, you should have found out that many posts above have deviated from the real issue and are confusing you the more. Although I am expecting those answers, because I have read the replies from your posts, I wanted to be sure that I got it right.

I can assure you that if you continues to listen to these elements asking you to "dump his ass and run" you will end up with heartbreak and also permanent distrust of menfolks. That must never be your lot.

When the guy was cheating, you didnt know. He left, and return of his own volition to beg you. And hinted that he was cheating when he said "it will not happen again" though you didnt know exactly. You reconciled, without having solved the riddle of why he left in the first place. At this time, you are back together, though you dont trust him again(which was what Debosky tried to point out), you went to fb and tried to exhume the ghost of the past 3 months he was away by having encounter with someone he (probably) flirt with, he found out and was angry. You want to find out why he was so angry, and that was the essense of the thread.

And guess what? All you hear is DUMP HIM! RUN! DONT WISH HIM BIRTHDAY etc! Does that help you?

I think you have got a good response, but I am alarmed at these loud voices. They will derail your purpose if you fail to apply wisdom.

There is nothing wrong in buying a lion if it is bought for logical reason. But to use Lions as security guard is the highest level of madness. The new gov also made a mistake. He should have sent the animals as gifts to the ex gov to help protect him from human attack. That way, the ex gov won't have problem feeding his "guards."

At any rate, how come the management of the zoological garden can't feed the Lions? I think there is something omnious from the state gov to the zoo.

The poster is neither a mugu or a smart guy. I think he is truly confused. He is the first on nl that had taken the same problem to and fro the forum. He created threads after threads trying to find out what was wrong and what will be wrong. To his credit, he was sincere about it all. And he, to my knowledge, have not changed ID like many would have done. That is one reason I respect him.

So, rather than join in making fun, I will read the thread and have fun, knowing that those who will attack him are coming, and he won't sit back and watch. . .

I reserve my comment on the topic.

@iice,
I know your stand about 3 minutes love. I know you were joking. I also know someone somewhere will have love to hear something positive about it. 3 minutes love, is a poor foundation to build a relationship on. I think it is teenage Love. That is why they are always confused when it matter most.

Regardless of the circumstance of meeting, if one or both of the partners is insincere, the outcome is heartbreak.

No, iice, I don't believe in 3 second love. It is all a part of deceiption we created. A pure product of materialist thought. You doubt me? Let me explain with simple analogy;
How many time has our LOVE am FIRST sight protagonists experience that same surge of emotion when they come across a dirty, dishevil partner, who look like a madman?
Years ago, I had the task of explaining love to my adopted sister. I had to go through internet and read a book. It was while researching that I came across an work in psychology. It was then that I understand that what we call love at first sight, the 3 minutes love, is nothing but LUST! The paper made it clear however that most cases of love (relating to opposite sex) germinated from LUST. It concluded that it is normal to LUST after someone, to a reasonable extent.

So to your question, what you refer to love at first sight is nothing, in reality, but total LUST. We gave it that tag "Love at First Sight" to dignify it. And to differentiate it from infatuation, which is the advanced level of STUPID LUST.

Another thing to point out is that, Real Love only manifest after you have known the other person. You may or may not have seen the person before.

It is a natural law that men tend to generalise their situation and try to mirror other people in the light of their own experience or lack of it. It is that rule that make some of us to assume that situation we went through can perfectly be used to explain other people's situation. It is that rule that make it possible for us to commit the fallacy of overgeneration. It is that law that make many people to stop dreaming, to stop risking, and to start waiting for the PERFECT opportunity.

The wise know that the PERFECTION we seek is often hidden beneath imperfection we try to avoid. The best flower/garden will inevitably come from the earth that had tasted junks. Rather than using our sad experience to make other people sad, or to create a wide hole of hatred, regret, and distrust in our hearts, why, why, why is it so hard for us to turn this lemon to lemonade? Why must we transfer our heartache to every other facet of our lives?

@Diva,
you have to understand that, in our pain, we make manifest our joy. Never have I seen anyone who cry, that does not laugh again. But I have seen multitude, cries and laugh, only to end it tear. It is our choice, whether to make an experience work for us or against us. I read how a simple act of saying "Happy Birthday" was turned around to fan the ember of hatred. I also read how you turned from seeking genuine answer into defending yourself. That is what happen when you listen to too many pessimistic views. You soon find that you are in real confusion, losing the foundamental purpose of the thread.

To sum up my word, there is absolutely nothing wrong in wishing your ex(?) a happy birthday. But this man, from what I am reading, become (or is becoming your ex) as a result of the confusion created in this thread. . . I may be wrong, quite rightly.

@poster,
CONGRATULATION!

Whether online or offline, do ladies just drop their numbers for guys to pick? Even when the ladies are single, wont you call them harlot?

And if men, all men stop making advance at women, while women wait for men to make the first initiative, what do you think will happen to relationships?

@stillwater,
Why do you think couples play games? Why do you think everyone seem to have replaced love with materialism? And why do you think couples change after marriage and thus begin to cheat or act strangely, contrary to what you are familiar with? Take a look at those questions and you will find further explanation to your post.

I remember, hearing many of the parents I have talked to brag about "marrying their partners, when he 'has nothing" but nowaday, you find that your partner want to know: How much you are worth; your future prospect, financially, and the size of your manhood (to a ridiculous extent). We all know that deep down in us, these "aint love" so why must we complain when it fail?

I know something about Real (NOT True) Love. Real love is NOT automatic and it appreciate with time rather than depreciate. Anything less, in my judgement, is a marriage of convinience. Contrary to most people's expectation, Real Love pass through series of crisis and also endure imperfection of the other partner, without breaking up. That is what make such tale enduring. But most of us are impatient, glutton, and insatiable. That is why we find it hard to experience Real Love.

There are basic ingredients that make Love succeed, it is when we remove the ingredients that we find that love have gone sour.

@iice,
I always asked after you from Mukina2 when I chance to come across her. Hope you are waxing stronger in health and happiness?

I am a bit astonished reading all these odes to broken heart while a small wound turn to cancer!

Let me begin with Topup, I think you got it wrong, absolutely wrong to think men and women are the same emotionally. This is not the thread to discuss that. We shall trash it in future.

@Diva1,
if you ask me, I will tell you that you have only succeeded in turning your wound to cancer if what I am reading is anything to go by.

Before I explain my reason for this later thought, let me ask you, perhaps I was mistaken in my judgement, the following questions:
1. When you had a that break with him, DID YOU, AT THAT POINT IN TIME KNOW HE WAS DATING THE SAID ACTRESS? Your earlier post indicated you didn't know why he flair up and broke up with you. In fact, my understanding of this thread was based on your desire to find out. That was why I gave my earlier replies.
2. Before you went to open the fb pseudo account, HAS YOUR GUY RETURNED TO YOU, TO CRY AND BEG FOR FORGIVENESS? WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION AND WHAT MADE FOR ACCEPT HIM BACK?
3. After you went to fb, HAS YOUR BF FOUND OUT YOUR ENCOUNTER WITH THE ACTRESS, AND WHAT WAS HIS RESPONSE?

I know my questions may not make sense to those in hurry to pass judgement, it certainly will be of help for me to understand better. Mind you, I don't think the best advise you will get will come from people who agree with you. Sentiment will becloud their judgments just as they will complicate your problems for you. Listen to all sides and open your eyes. I may not agree with everything Debosky said, he certainly tell you the home truth. Before I tell you my mind, I wait to read your frank answer to the above questions.

I don't get the essense of the above. I am however wondering why the respondent thought certain rules are meant for solat only. That is the area I wish to contest. Whatever rule that is made in Islam often have general appeal. Can we say that just because intoxicant was forbidden during solat, muslims can drink when are not in solat?

Like I pointed out in a thread. We must be wary of debating the controversies. It is clear from one of the hadiths sited above that even the prophet tried to avoid the things that stir controversy. Read the hadiths on pilgrimage again and digest the prophet's intent.

For the sake of clarity. Shariah divided islamic acts into 5.

1. Mandatory. Whether we like it or not, it is obligatory on us. If we do them, we are reward, and if we don't, we are punished. These acts are clear, unambigous, undebatable!

2. The Forbidden: totally unallowed. Unacceptable. No matter the allure. If you avoid it, you are blessed. If you don't, you are punished. Again, these are clear as snow. No one of us can dispute them.

3. The Recommended. These are cherished acts. Do them, and you are blessed. But no punishment were specified if you missed them. These acts are debatable. Sometimes controversial. But we all know that it has a lot of reward attached to them.

4. The Disliked. These acts are not forbidden. But are disliked. They carry no punishment when executed. But those who avoid them are blessed in a way. Say for instance, divorce. It is grouped among disliked acts. But it is not forbidden. Many more are in this group. These acts are also debatable. We can write encyclopedia on them without ariving at consensus. That is normal.

5. The last ones are those where shariah is SILENCE. We know that om most occasion, shariah is silenced on certain issues. These acts are very, very controversial and subject to consensus of the ulama'. I think many wise ulama avoids debating them. So many are careful in how they handle them. For instance, suicide bombing.

Something is missing on the thread, I hope it is not missed!

@T,
THere is nothing wrong in her going back to the guy if she is sure he has changed for the better.

Some relationship grew stronger after break up. The issue under discusion is her probing into what went wrong. I think it is not right to exhume a decomposing body just to know whether it is indeed dead or still alive! That is what I think she is doing. And Debosky was also trying to point out something similar.

@IJleke,
when you talk of RELATIONSHIP, you have got to ask yoursele "what kind of relationship?"

look, there is corruption everywhere. The corruption of the heart is, in my own opinion, the worst. Many people never define their relationship at the on set that is why the got into trouble in future. Among these undecided craps are those whose heart were made up cheifly by the tingling sensation beneath their legs. Male or female. And their were those who were driven to relationship by fear. Fear of being left behind. They therefore stick to the most avalable partner. The trouble knock their door, when they meet someone else who stir their hearts and put the on going relationship on trial. The on going relationship inevitably crumble when the golf between desire and lust widen. And then thing fall apart. . .

So to your question: it is wrong to expect that a man or woman will not have any relationship with opposite sex unless it is meant for marriage. You asked that question probably because you thought every relationship must be intimate. Not really. Even then, not every intimate relationship are designed for marriage.

So it depends on the relationship. Is it friendship, platonic, or sexual? Are the couple mutually agreed to go into marriage? How committed are they?

Many of us just don't have idea how to define our relationship when we hit it off. This become worse as many ladies feel offended when a guy as for intimate relationship from the word go. So the safest thing to do is to be FRIEND with the other person.

Ironically, most of you count the period of friendship as period of dating. That is a general observation I made. You are friend for two years, and soon after you proposed. Then a month after it breakdown. When they ask you how many years the relationship went, you says "over two years!"

I hope you get my drift?

@diva,
on whether I can take it from a gal who did same to me. You obviously don't know me! Those who know me are familiar with my open hearted nature. I don't fret about love and I never hid my distate for these kind of love going on. That is why I used to tell my close pals that I wont marry for love. I have said it and acted it.

When you make "love" ( I mean this delusional feelings being branded about in recent time) as your primary focus, you will lose much more than you invested in the affair. Love, to me, is secondary.

To your question, yes, I can take it. I took it once. Truly, you will be disappointed at the other person action. But wait, what if I tell you that in most cases, such thing often end as blessing to men and women who know how to turn adversity to blessing? Will you rather have a cheating bf who either repent or you dump his ass? Or a cheating husband who will either walk out or the relationship leaving you as a single parent, or end up messing your matrimonial home with his unholy flirtation with women?

Like I once told a friend, "Better a broken relationship than a broken marriage"

Things like this, Diva1, make you know whether your partner is taking you on a free ride or serious. Believe me, humans can be amophous sometimes. There are chamelons among us who changes to reflect their immediate environment. The only way you can spot them is to give them freedom and then watch them from a distance when with other people/environment.

Admittedly, you can't know a man or woman completely during courtship. But event like that of your fb, and pictures often trigger reactions that if properly scrutinized, will help you to a large extent evaluate your partner's behavorial trend. We learn more in crisis than in comfort.

@diva1,
you missed my points. I read two other replies to my post and I laughed so loud.

I assumed earlier that you will understand.

Now my friend. No matter how many years you go out with a man, it does not mean he had decided to marry you until certain steps are taken by him, even if he talks about marriage. Mistake many women made was that they assume that the mere "I love you" poems is enough guaranttee that a man will live up to his words. It take more than words to know a man. You talked of 3 years. My friend recently cry to me of a man she dated for 9 years treating her as your guy treated you! We evaluated what happened and that led us to finding a clue to his action. That my friend met another guy now who proposed marriage just after a month dating. They are marrying soon, having done the informal introduction. My point, it isn't the length but the substance!

I have gone out with a lady for 8 years, platonic kind of, without thinking of marrying her and she knew I won't though she's married now to my friend who met her during the period. I know some men did that.

That was why I said you could have asked him. At least, his response will indicate whether he truly love you or not. If a guy dont want to be seen with you in public, then something foundamental is wrong with the love he professes. Forget all these stuffs about wanting to father your kids. A simple test like that go along way in determining where the man or woman you are dating stand. If his actress friend had met certain criteria he set, he won't have return to you.

I don't have detail about other thing, but in this matter, I insists that I know what I was saying.

As for him crying to you etc. That is normal for emotional men. Crying isn't a sign of love and commitment. Let him find a better lady, and he will cry at her feet too!

The foundation of enduring relationship is sincerity. It is upon this that trust is erected. Thereafter, love come in.

I think love as is defined today is veiled name for lust.

@poster,
in your comment above, you said ladies go after men that have nothing for them. I think that is the root of the problem. The time women wait for men to plan their future for them is in the stone age. It should be mutually inclusive act and not men's chief responsibility.

Let your ex help you solve the problem.

Ask your ex, what was the mistake she made and why she left the man she went after?

Ask her what she will do and how she will feel if her boyfriend suddenly wake up one day and say "he is returning to a penitenc ex gf". Let her put herself in the shoe of your new gf.

Finally, ask her whether she is ready to play 2nd fiddle to your new gf. She will only be attended to when your new gf ask you to go!

Try it and follow the steps naturally without being sentimental and your ex will leave of her own accord.

I suspect, however that you want her. Else, you wont be confuse at all. Just don't break your new gf heart for wrong reason.

I blames the victims. For listening to rubbish instead of moulding the kids they have for greatness.

@Diva1,
if you are looking for what you did wrong or why he was mad at you, don't look too far.

If I were your guy, I might have reacted that way, if what I am thinking is the same.

To begin with, you are wrong, absolutely wrong to put his picture on fb without his permission. You should have find out what he think about the idea before you went ahead. In fact, that you missed a golden opportunity at knowing whether he is for real or just taking you for a ride. This is because, when you ask such question in a polite manner, he will either want to shoot them down or expose himself.

Moreover, the two of you are just bf and gf, nothing special, as far as the period was concerned. That explain why he was mad at you. You should have seen the hand writting on the world. After all, you have been having up and down in the affair. Meaning fighting making up. Few men will commit their future to such relationship without resolving the cause of the problem.

Finally, what I guess was happening in that 2-3 months was an attempt to pull himself up and evaluate the situation. He got entangled with other lady because you gave him to reason to do so, or he was bewitched by the lady, or he was just looking for a better alternative to you. He came back, because he found out something worth enduring in you, and maybe the other lady didnt meet his expectation, or he need something from you. You can't know the truth by asking him to explain why he was mad at you. You can only know when you get closer and evaluate things in proper perspective. Getting closer does not mean dating anyway. It can be achieved by just giving him a measure of assurance that he is forgiven.

By the way, you didnt tell us why you posted the picture in the first place and what kind of up and down you had before the incidence. The information will be helpful.

@mukina2,
I do not think it is wrong to perform ablution in the bathroom as long as it is clean.

For those arguing on the Toilet Bathroom matter, need I remind you that purpose of the whole rule was to enforce cleanliness which was lacking in many homes. We all know that at the time of the prophet, most people are ignorant and dirty.

We all know the risks associated with dirts and toilets. One don't have to be a muslim to know that microbes thrive in toilets and that anyone who open his mouth often in that state exposes himself to great risk. So what the prophet did was to make it a must that we take care of our healths. Indeed, Islam make cleanliness an integral part of faith. And that is why we have all sort of rules.

However, we must clearly differentiate between what is "disliked" and what is "forbidden". Islam is clear about them.

To site an example. Once the prophet, S, was hosted alongside his companions and were serve Red-head lizard as meat. A companion asked him, whether the meat is forbidden. He replied that it was not, but the meat is not eaten where he came from. And thus, he didnt eat it. But he didnt bar others from eating it.

Some rules pertaining to "disliked" deed were not illegal but made to safeguard certain consequence. Another of such rule was "taking the same route to and fro solat jumah".

This was made with commonsense to safeguard against attack by enemies who often ambush muslims on their way from the mosque. I was alarmed when a guy in my area started calling those who didnt observe that rule "kafir!"

like someone have said, alot of things have changed since prophet time. We must be careful at the way we interpret sunnah.

I concludes this with prophet own words " WHAT IS FORBIDDEN IS CLEAR, WHAT IS COMPULSORY IS CLEAR. BETWEEN THE TWO ARE THOSE THAT ARE DOUBTFUL. IF YOU IGNORE THEM, YOU MAY IGNORE THE LAWFUL, AND IF YOU EXECUTE THEM YOU MAY EXECUTE THE FORBIDDEN. THEREFORE, OBEY WHAT IS CLEAR AND LEAVE WHAT IS DOUBTFUL."

@topic,
I think it is a good idea. Except that the new place does not have adequate security as Ikeja. If you think robbers are in CV old site, wait till you get to the new site.

At the moment, the traffic around Abule Egba is heavy, day and night.

But if planned with attention to details, both the pros and cons, the new site will make things easier for all. Most especially for those coming from outside Lagos.

It can be a perfect move, just as it can be the worst!

Then it should be returned to MOULUD NABIYY instead of ED IL MAULUD.

What is the different between urine and faeces as far as impurity is concerned?

Even the prophet did not observe it. He celebrated his birthday, everyweek by fasting every monday! He said it himself when asked why he fast every monday.

He also cursed those who turn him into demigod, . .

Which university, lagosboy? Do you think it is that simple?

@hadiza,
am sure the poster would have made her choice. The thread is an old thread and the lady is ok by now. As for you, I don't see any similarity between your situation and hers. Read her story again.

Your ex was telling you by when deleting your picture from your phone, that you are not that important and that he can't show the world you are his.

And by buying him the latest phone, you made it look as if you are desperate to have him. I am not saying you are wrong to want him or to buy him gift. I suspect, however that you must have gone beyond your brief. Just an opinion.

Somehow, I keep wondering where the muslim ladies are! Wishing the poster and others like him good luck!