₦airaland Forum

Doyin13, It isn't bros najim, it is olanajim. As for time, what time? Everybody get time to laugh, you know?

Doyin13, on a serious note, it is real. I have found alot of real worthy friends ( not lovers) in nairaland. I think if you change your mindset, you would see the difference between chaffs and wheats

Babee, there is no doubt that gentlemen abounds in nairaland. The fact that they make hilarious and sometimes funny coments on topics didn't make them any less a gentleman. A gentleman may not go out of his way to say he is one. That is why most of them are laughing at this thread. They are reading it though to know what you guys say about gentlemen. See why I am laughing? Afterall, the poster didn't say the gentlemen should announce themselves. It ask you people to comment on them.

If anybody didn't see a worthy gentleman around him or her, it is probably a result of the mirror he use to view them. So, as I pointed out, we have difference type of mirrors. WHATEVER MIRROR YOU USE, WOULD ACTUALLY REFLECT YOUR OWN PERSONALITY TO THOSE WATCHING YOU. If your mirror deceives you, it can't deceive others that stand at a better angle. So I laughing again watching those mirrors as you focus it on the others.

Same here. I am still laughing. Why? Because I know there are three types of mirrors that can be used at any position. And they give you diffence impressions. PLANE MIRROR, CONCAVE MIRROR AND CONVEX MIRROR. Everyone use what he like.

Congrat. This is really goodnews. The pessimists just need to face the reality and see the brighter sides of life.

I pray the lord make it fruitful, and begining of good thing for you. Once again, congrat.

It is not unusual for some guys to not call their girl. He may have reason that has nothing to do with cheating.
Don't get anxious until he give you reason to. Just ask him without show any anxiety or suspicious. And wait for reply before you conclude.

I get it. Thanks.

I gotcha! Thanks.

Ritual Hmm Africa!!!

Could that be a joke?

PTH, I agree with you entirely. You even said it more than I would have love to. I love to hear people like you who would not allow their personal opinions affect their sense of judgment.

I think our world would be a better place if we could acknowledge diversity of cultures, religions, and traditional values, and respect other people's view even if we don't agree with them.

The world is changing and Africa is also changing. While we civilized people look forward to Africans dropping obnoxious cultures and traditions and move in tune with changing world, we must also recognize that some people respond to changes very slowly. Attacking their values will only lead to stubborn resistance and not change. That is why I dislike personalising issues. Yes, your view represent my view. But I won't be specific. Somebody is still going to bombard me. Let see.

It is a unfair to brand men the way you do. That some men choose to be wrong doesn't mean the whole generation of men are wrong.


If a woman marry a man that slap her regularly, it is her choice. There are men out there who would not lift a finger at you. Some of you women brand them as weak. Every woman want a strong man. So, if he turn you to his punching bag, you have the choice of leaving.

I think men who hit women delebrately are cowards. There are million ways you can correct wrong doing without beating her. However, if the woman started the fight by hitting the husband, I think she deserve whatever she get.

It is part of the challenges of marriage. Why would you quit marriage because you diagree with your partner on issue that would soon wear itself out? Couples who let such thing derail their marriage are immatured, and if I may add, stupid.

I cannot speak for all men. One thing I am sure of is that wise couples would have settled this sort of issue before marriage. That is if they are really planning for a happy home. And if they fail to do so, it is up to them. During courtship, you get to know your partner enough to decide if you want to marry him. A smart woman would find out where her man stand and not try to imagine all men would have capitulated to western culture.

Let me point out another or even what may appear shocking. Traditionally, African women kneel down before their husband. But the tradition is fading.,. Yet, most ladies who underwent traditional marriages kneel down before their husbands in public glare. Why did you ladies not begin your rebellion that day? Respect? Fun? If you are not married I suggest you give it a try. Go for traditional wedding and reject their rules in public. Regardless of what happen later, that singular action show that ladies acknowledge this things does exist. It is another ball game how you handle it in marriage. Methink, as the marriage grows couple sort it out. Men are not irrational, they treat you the way you want to be treated. Where ladies got it wrong is to assume a man is incapable of doing something because they haven't seen him do it.

This is Africa, not Europe. We must never forget that. So it is best to be prepared for any eventuality.

She won't kill you. After all you are a man. She may mean it and she may just be impressing you with poem. Friendship doesn't kill. Be friends (not lover yet) and enjoy her wit. If she is real, it is up to you. If she has something sinister, you should plot your excape route.

When you do the kind of work I engaged in (which I wouldn't specified) you would understand why I take moderate path when it come to contentious issues. We have over 100 active cultures in this country. It is a great error to use Lagos culture as overall cultural identity of Nigeria.

The good thing is I didn't generalized. My training and understanding of people had taught me alot on the issue.

The point I tried to make is majority( not all) of men are hypocrite when it come to this issue. So if a lady don't know where her man stand, she should either ask him or thread the path of caution. Some of the ladies using pet names for their guys do so out of respect for the guy and not Love. I personally don't have a preference. It may shock you to know where I stand.

In nairaland, we have educated men and women of about 50, 000 making lively discurss on issue affecting over 140m people. Around 70% of the contributors are southerners. It is logically wrong to assume their veiw is the popular view especially when most of them are yet to know what is marriage. Only those who are married can speak on matter that had to do with marriage with authority. CALLING A MAN BY HIS NAME IN MARRIAGE IS DEPENDENT ON THE MAN AND HIS TRADITION AND HIS VALUE. We all have one.

You are seeing the hand writting boldly written on the wall. Fortunately, you are not blind.

Why don't you take a break from him and meditate on the issue? You would not be able to do real thinking as long as you remain glued to him. During the break, do further investigation without consulting him. Don't go to people that would sing his praise and lie to you. There always people ready to provide you needed information. When you get your facts, ACTS.

Doyin, do you really mean ladies would rather prefer a bastard to a gentleman? I hope it is a joke!

Of course, I know girls like "bad boys". That is not the same as Bastards. Maybe we should invite the B*st*rds. Um?

How do we identify a gentleman? Is he the type that keep quiet, say nothing or, ? We need a yardstick since most of us don't even see one another.

Kate, you are very correct. Though I did not read things like this during my acute shy period, I must confess the partern are similar. It works.

I think a shy fellow must try to mix with people and not withdraw. In my case, I joined Man O' War to disband it entirely.

Like someone pointed out, some people graduated to overconfidence maybe that is why God created them a shy creature. I don't know, I just say so.

As you help them toward self confidence, pls try include how to deal with overconfidence. The later "kills" more people than shyness.

Never underestimate the power of women! A trial will convince you.

Exactly! That is why the foundation had to be solid. But in theory, this argument easily won the day. However in practice, it is subject to conditions such as individual value system. Let me give you an example. When Bobby Brown and Whittney were getting married, it was all Love and Love. They had one of most celebrated wedding American had ever witnessed.

Pundits say the marriage would not last. Against permutations, it survived over a decade.

But today, it is dead! Where had the Love gone? It wasn't because they didn't love one another, other factors crept in. You can check it out.

A second example, is very common among Muslims and those who had very short courtship. It is not news that Hausas 'give out' their daughters in marriage as "gifts". Love or no Love. While I object to that practices, I had noted that some of this kind of marriage lasts a life time in peace and harmony. I lived among them before and even have a friend, who was "given" a wife. This guy is a scholar, and best student in his department, so nobody can call him ignorant.

My point is: LOVE ALONE, WOULD CRUMBLE WITHOUT OTHER FACTORS. Relationship can survive without Love! I know critics would yawn at this. Let me say without being misunderstood that I LIVED FOR TEN YEARs IN A HOUSE DEVOID OF LOVE! My guardian certainly don't love his wife. He said it and the wife know! He kept the wife for the sake of his children! He kept chains of concubines HE LOVE BUT NEVER MARRY THEM! He died two years ago leaving his estates FOR HIS CHILDREN, NOTHING FOR THE WIFE! Yet, they married for over 25years. Think about it. I studied few more, and i am convinced Love isn't what actually bind them together. The Love they shared died after their second child, five years after marriage. Yet they have 4 children.

One case is not enough to generalise, that is why I avoid it. Luckily, I have more examples. We need to cultivate habit of learning from both success and failure. That is our best insurance.

Exactly! That is why the foundation had to be solid. But in theory, this argument easily won the day. However in practice, it is subject to conditions such as individual value system. Let me give you an example. When Bobby Brown and Whittney were getting married, it was all Love and Love. They had one of most celebrated wedding American had ever witnessed.

Pundits say the marriage would not last. Against permutations, it survived over a decade.

But today, it is dead! Where had the Love gone? It wasn't because they didn't love one another, other factors crept in. You can check it out.

A second example, is very common among Muslims and those who had very short courtship. It is not news that Hausas 'give out' their daughters in marriage as "gifts". Love or no Love. While I object to that practices, I had noted that some of this kind of marriage lasts a life time in peace and harmony. I lived among them before and even have a friend, who was "given" a wife. This guy is a scholar, and best student in his department, so nobody can call him ignorant.

My point is: LOVE ALONE, WOULD CRUMBLE WITHOUT OTHER FACTORS. Relationship can survive without Love! I know critics would yawn at this. Let me say without being misunderstood that I LIVED FOR TEN YEARs IN A HOUSE DEVOID OF LOVE! My guardian certainly don't love his wife. He said it and the wife know! He kept the wife for the sake of his children! He kept chains of concubines HE LOVE BUT NEVER MARRY THEM! He died two years ago leaving his estates FOR HIS CHILDREN, NOTHING FOR THE WIFE! Yet, they married for over 25years. Think about it. I studied few more, and i am convinced Love isn't what actually bind them together. The Love they shared died after their second child, five years after marriage. Yet they have 4 children.

One case is not enough to generalise, that is why I avoid it. Luckily, I have more examples. We need to cultivate habit of learning from both success and failure. That is our best insurance.

Another reason is that people goes into marriage with too much, often stupid expectations. The people in this category get married only to discover that their expectations are just a mirage. Fools among them keep being fool by mirage and "they keep searching" thus lost interest in frustration. The wise among them pause, and face the reality. They began digging a well so they could build on the foundation they laid. There are some people who would beat a retreat after discovering they are in "the wrong place" the 'quit' and go elsewhere. Had they did their homework earlier, they wouldn't have been in that state.

The truth is MARRIAGE IS THE BEGINOING OF LOVE. In marriage, you are expected to build something, a structure, home, a community upon the foundation of love.

Love is not static, it is dynamic. It is lame. It is dependent. You can buy love, but it would always return to the owner if he/she is alive.

Many people married without love between them. Many marry simply to please their parents, etc it is not Love that make or mar marriage but the attitude of the partners. For instance, your wife may love you deeply and still sleep around. It is common. We must learn to know what are the things that make marriage work or fail.

Love is not what solely sustain marriage. It is a catalyst that make your efforts in marriage or relationship works.

It is a must to do so.

Let go straight into the issues raised. Couples lose interest in one another after marriage for many reasons. Love alone, I must be frank, can't sustain marriages. The mistake we made about marriage is to equate it with love. I laughs anytime I hear people saying they can't marry someone because they don't love him/her. And when you listen to them define what they mean by Love, you wonder if they are cursed. I personally won't marry for "Love". This may be strange to those who are obsessed by love and practically worship Love. But having understood what real love mean, I am never going to argue with them. I would just challenge them to learn to "experience" Love and not just "feel" love.

Why would anyone labour hard to love somebody only to spend his lifetime hating that same person? Many people today are getting married after leaving behind chains of heartbroken partners. You cannot expect a man who had slept with 10 ladies in the name of love to marry with the same attitude without having problems. This is a must if he had been unfair to those ladies. You cannot expect a lady who had been savouring diffence sizes of men penis and measure her love in term of man's sexual performance or other physical attributes to maintain interest in one man. There will always be a better man or woman before or after marriage. In short, one of the reasons is that couple who lose interest in one another:might have married for the wrong reason(s). Check the statistic of broken marriages and confirm this fact. The parting partners, often express regrets at something.

This error is prevalence today among youths. Dating is all about love. Love is about feeling. Feeling is about emotions and imaginations. Emotions are based on first impressions. And it go on and on! A great gamble! While everyone experience these, wise men know that they need to scratch beyond the surface.

I posit that if you want a happy marriage, don't expect love alone to do it for you.

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Calling a man by his name is generally resented in our society. Even till, date it is a culture that keep reverating. Some guys felt insulted when their babe call them by name. But in most cases I had dealt with, they don't say it for fear of losing the babe.

If your man had a value system, it is better not to call him by his name. You can call him pet names to be on safe side. The good thing about pet names is that, you would not just avoid the trap of calling him by name, you would be adding spice to the affair. However, as you move on, have chilldren, the puzzle would naturally solve itself.

Women who made mistake of not knowing what is their man's opinion about this subject may end up in regret. Believe it or not, some guys, mostly guys for good backgrounds, use this as one of the yardstick to screen ladies when choosing for marriage. For instance, a man has two girls both of them attractive, and seem to level on every parameters. However, one call him by his name while the other do the reverse. Any man can guess which of them woule be selected.

Lamod,

thanks. Maybe cost sharing indeed help. But in a world where women are marrying the highest bidder, I wonder if any lady would like to share cost of home maintainance with their husband. Isn't that the reason they don't marry a poor man? Maybe they have another reason.

As for the man you cited in your example, I suggest you advise the lady to go pretend to be broke for a month so the man may know the value of hunger. I bet he would learn prudency since he is jobless.

I think it is fair for men being fed by women to respect the hand feeding them.

Just like transacting business, Online dating had come to stay. All over the world internet is doing wonder in people's like. Some people are even contracting marriage online.

However, it is a well known fact that Nigerians 419 kingpins had made internet transactions, be it business or dating, a great risk. We are now at a situation where we are extra careful before making vital decisions. Until recently, some people do not believe internet jobs are real. I know of few guys who believe that people that would eventually selected are those who present hard copy of ther application, so they goes extra mile to submit that too.

In short, internet is a serious business nowaday. We must not just dismiss any activities done on it. Our pessimism is actually hurting us both local and abroad. Little wonder the civilized world avoid doing serious business of any nature with Nigerians online.

As for people disguising as opposite sex online, it is real. Yes. But only an idiot will get fooled by that trick. What gain is it for anyone? My experience with a guy underscores the seriousness of this matter. I kept telling him I am a man and he pestering me with love saying I am pretending to be a man when I am a man! He insisted on seeing my webcam. When I refused he kept trying to woo me until I had to do something drastic. I was both amused and embarrased.

The truth is ladies probably started the game in a bid to stave off cassanovas whose primary insticnt is all about dating and sex. Buth now, what do we get? A kickback.

Regardless of what anyone would say, only a fool will fall cheap to the trick. The rules are KEEP YOUR EMOTION IN CHECK, KNOW WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH AND DON'T FALL "CHEAPLY" IN LOVE ON INTERNET.

Do your homework.

Parents ke? Under normal circumstance an innocent girl would seek help from her parent if she is clean. Her parents or big brothers would teach the madman a lesson. But people are bound to ask questions. If she is clean, that guy would not be having fun playing such a game.

While couselling on similar issue like this, some times ago, I was baffled to discovered that the lady was the cause.

In this particular case, the guy is bad tempered. The girl stuck to him against her parents' warning and somehow, they had a serious disagreement. He dealt with her and gave her black eye. Police were called in and the guy was arrested. At the station, the guy wrote statements which open up can of warms. Trust police, they realized the guy had a case so they granted the guy bail.

And what happened afterward? The guy we hated became hero overnight. The lady had to move to Ogun state.

What I am trying to say is that, Acid o, Agbero o, police o, whatever, if the girl is not clean herself she would make a hero out of a madman.

I hate any act of brutality against women. So, for a permanent solution GIVE HIM WHATEVER HE WANT IF YOU ARE OWING HIM. I don't think the guy would be in his right sense and still date you after all the humiliation you'd suffered in his hands. Maybe your parents would allow him prostrate to them and then hand you over to him as wife. I know this is absurd. So becareful.

Remember after him, you would need another man. If the situation get messy your future partner would ask you questions.

Parents ke? Under normal circumstance an innocent girl would seek help from her parent if she is clean. Her parents or big brothers would teach the madman a lesson. But people are bound to ask questions. If she is clean, that guy would not be having fun playing such a game.

While couselling on similar issue like this, some times ago, I was baffled to discovered that the lady was the cause.

In this particular case, the guy is bad tempered. The girl stuck to him against her parents' warning and somehow, they had a serious disagreement. He dealt with her and gave her black eye. Police were called in and the guy was arrested. At the station, the guy wrote statements which open up can of warms. Trust police, they realized the guy had a case so they granted the guy bail.

And what happened afterward? The guy we hated became hero overnight. The lady had to move to Ogun state.

What I am trying to say is that, Acid o, Agbero o, police o, whatever, if the girl is not clean herself she would make a hero out of a madman.

I hate any act of brutality against women. So, for a permanent solution GIVE HIM WHATEVER HE WANT IF YOU ARE OWING HIM. I don't think the guy would be in his right sense and still date you after all the humiliation you'd suffered in his hands. Maybe your parents would allow him prostrate to them and then hand you over to him as wife. I know this is absurd. So becareful.

Remember after him, you would need another man. If the situation get messy your future partner would ask you questions.