₦airaland Forum

phemi3: So what do u suggest I do? To tell her that 'the dress I once told her fitted on her well; is now exposing her body too much' or she should stop sending text messages to me; when she knows I love messages especially if it's from her. Things are just not working out 'she knows it so do I'. Just wished I've a better way of saying it (It's over)! Never really told anyone that. Maybe that's why I have too many GFs; just cant say it in a matured way like you said. We are just too different!

I'm not that mature, but I've had guys disappear on me and mehn, I'm over them o,but if they dare come back, I will deal with them out of vex. What I do is tell guys "it aint gonna work out, wish you the best, not your fault" and they appreciate that. I did the whole "leave me, u caused this!" last year to a dude and later felt ashamed when he called one day and said he thought I was nicer and had better manners (because I was then avoiding his calls). So I apologised, because he's a human and deserves to be treated with courtesy, and now we talk. Is he still trying his luck, sure, but I've made it clear and was polite. No hard feelings and if we end up together, I've shown my character truly than if he had seen me dancing in church. There's no excuse not to treat someone the way you wanted to be treated. So either work on you or get ready for the babe that will deal with you

Tell your relatives to pls be quiet, as if trouble comes, they will not pressure you then o, they will stay at home. You obviously like Guy no.1 more than Guy no.2 (it's always like that). So here's my suggestion: tell Guy no.1 "I'm not sure why you're acting like this, pls tell me if anything's going on, I'm gonna live my life, you know where to find me", then limit calls to him to once a week, preferably text rather than call. Tell Guy no.2 "I'd like to get to know and love you better, may we have 3 months and after we marry?"

Then see where the chips fall.

phemi3: I know; but I've never in my life told someone 'It's over': I just pretend things are going to be well till she reads the line but It's not easy though!

Reason no. 3,123,652 I don't understand boys. You want to be treated like a man, yet you don't want to act like one. You pretend till she realises and leaves, shey? Don't you realise everything you do shapes you for the future? Or abi you will keep ignoring the problem till it leaves, then marry and miraculously expect that when problems come in marriage, you will ignore it till it leaves or know how to solve them, after all, you havs SOOO much experience dealing with stuff. Then you now see thread: "my wife is contacting her ex, what should I do, am so confused"

solomon111: Damn,you must undergone lots of breakups

Actually, no. But I had to help a lot of people in their breakups, especially guys. And it always seemed the stupider stunts were pulled by them, and then they would regret it, but hold onto some reason not to try win the girl back. I'm working with 2 whom I'm trying to convince to go back to their girls: one is sitting on his hands (and when the babe marries, I will delete him if he comes crying because he did nothing), the other is too focused on his problems(some which he caused himself).

Yup, never do the "Let's take a break one". Your chances of you humbling yourself and begging go upto 1:1 lol!! I've never seen that scenario end well, you will regret it mehnnnn. Better a clean cut, you can start afresh should you choose to, than let's take a break. because it plays with the person's emotions and they will HATE you with a smile. You'll find out this one day if you go back accidentally.

Seriously, you don't wake up having problems in your relationship and magically fix them with a breakup. Your breakup reflects your relationship, I've seen this 100% of the time. If you go about it immaturely, you will regret, because you made that decision to break up with an immature mind. So better think things through and be slow to break up, just as you were hopefully slow to enter the rel.

The Cowardly, immature way:
1. Disappearing, no calls, no texts. The person will get the message.
2. Breaking up harshly, blame the other party completely. You did nothing wrong and you just want that person gone fast.
3. Insensitive, sending a text. When you started the rel, you did it in person. Now you avoid the messiness.

The following 3 guarantees you'll end up regretting your decision or begging whilst that person moves on and laughs. Trust me. I've done all 3, you will regret that decision. Reason being, is that how you break up reflects how you were in the relationship (Shocking!!), so breaking up immaturely shows you made an bad decision with your immature mind, hence you'll regret it.

The Good way:
1. Trying to fix things first. Everyone wants readymade nowadays: the generous good guy, the humble pretty, calm girl. No-one wants to build anything and work with flaws. So look first.
2. If that fails, call the person to a meeting. Say, "I'm sorry, this isn't gonna work out. It's both of us, we're too different/bla blah and I don't want to waste your time further. I wish you the best". Do not start laying blame. If the person asks why, assure them they'll get an answer by email in a month's time (giving you time to calmly tell the truth, rather than give a hot answer). Then don't contact them. If they say hi, say hi 6 hours later. Don't be friends, not for a while. They need to heal.

The 2nd scenario closes the door, the first slams it shut. You NEVER wanna slam any door shut in Life.
All the guys I did the 2nd one to, lovely. It hurt, but I was glad, they were glad. The first scenario left me with a lot of unfinished business and regrets and some begging. Make your choice

Let me disabuse you of this notion that this is any way or form is Love.

A married man has kept a woman in her mid-30s by his side, depriving her of a chance at a home and kids of her own and a husband she can love in her old age (God willing), while he has all these things. Yet whenever she tries to better her condition, he brings her back to it.

That is Selfishness.

Stop deceiving yourself that he loves you. If he did, he'd leave his wife for you. Go and ask Camilla Parker-Bowles. Bianca Ojukwu Or Obasanjo's first wife (not Stella) or Shade Okoya or all the women who are 2nd wives, after their hubbies moved in with them and bounced first wife for them.
Ask him yo either give you up or make you his wife. His answers will be "my family na", not your well-being. Which is correct, he SHOULD put his family first before you. So if you're cool with being 2nd-hand to his family, continue.

Or go find your own man. And at 35, it ain't that hard. Just be willing to accept single guys, widowers or divorcees. Waaaay better than a married man. And there are so many babies out there crying out for adoption, plus pick a smart undergrad boy and father a baby, should you feel like it (fear will not let him come and claim the belle). But leave that selfish married man alone.

And the Nigerian Man strikes again. Walai, if I could, I'd marry a white dude. 3 of my friends are doing it, and you will NEVER believe how content and happy those chicks are. I need to relocate.

OP: He's an idiot. But this is the time to show what you're made of. Men are weird, everything is going on well, and they panic on the inside. Then they run away, pulling back emotionally, preferably into the arms of another girl. You can't change them as only 20% of these will not do this to a good woman, that 20% are the mature ones. And in the case of maturity, age is a number, my bestie's mature hubby is 27, my mature friend is 32 and I know a 37-year old agbaya who did this running away.

So, stop calling, say hi once in a while, never ask too many questions. The more you panic and freak out, the more he convinces himself you are neurotic, over-emotional, desperate and needy. So he runs even more, and IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT IN HIS MIND. I'm not making this shi.t up. He will not see his behaviour as bad, as he's feeling guilty (hence running without explanation) and it's easier to blame you than say "oh, I might have met someone else" or "oh, I'm getting cold feet, pls let's take a break".

So say hi, what's up, and move on. Keep in touch MILDLY (no more than twice a week, text or email, and call only if it will go to voicemail i.e. when he's not home), because if his insanity dies down and he comes back, he will hala that you didn't "know what he was going through and left him when the going got tough". But move on. Assume the worst. It may not be, but give him space. Please, I know it's tough.

Cry it out, feel free to post a million times here if venting helps. Pele. He will get his just reward, I've never seen karma miss anyone, so don't bother hating him. Don't expend any emotion on him.
Take care of yourself now, don't be alone. Pray. Do something that keeps you busy, in fact do a lot of somethings. In time, all will be well and guard your heart. It seems that the world is full of wickedness and Trust is a fairytale. Pele

I spoke to one of the guys in the situations I outlined. He's going through a bit of a rough patch: job and life. That was another time I noticed about this situation: the guy usually dumps the "perfect" girl, then goes through a rough patch. It's as if that makes him realise what he's lost.
Now I spoke to a female friend, and she had done the same thing! 2 guys who were good and ready to settle down, she bounced for no-one in particular. Then she went through her rough patch. By the time she was back to her senses, it was too late. One she regrets to this day.
One of the guys I mentioned is still in contact with his ex, she's dating someone else, but tells him she loves him. Her actions don't match her words(she's so over him and he's a distant backup now), yet he's using it to prop his ego up. Though he admits he wished he hadn't thrown her out so quickly. Another left his girl for 4 yrs because he was distracted by two other ladies, then ran back, humbled and begging till she forgave him and wed him. I wish we could identify those people in our lives we need to keep.

Don't keep this guy as an option. He has options and he's weighing them. And you're not high on the list, even. If you were, you'd see him often. And that question about him asking where you stood, that's BS. If he wants you, he won't beat around the bush. No matter how shy. I've had a guy in his late 30s do this, I was thinking he wanted to take things slow and was busy with work, then I saw a mssg he sent to his friend (my co-worker) saying he went to watch a movie with Tosin (he put a smiley beside it). I blanked him, now 3 months later, he wants to see me, but I don't hear from him frequently still. I guess he and Tosin are having issues, and he wants to keep his options open. Bounce that nigger.

Dude, send her no money. Tell her you bought the phone, and she should please come and see you. If she comes, no sex, hands-off. You want to study her well. She sounds like a player; women play for money and gifts, men play for sex. Keep talking to her sha, but send NOT ONE PENNY.

Very, very true. Excellent advice: If you must do anything for anyone in a relationship, do it because you liked them, so you don't expect them to feel obligated to dating/marrying afterwards. I confess, I'm guilty of going "after all I've done for so-and-so..." then I realise that he didn't force me to do it, didn't beg me to do it, I did it because I wanted to help him primarily, then make him realise how nice I was. Same with spending, buy her gifts and invest in her future because you care and don't expect that she will marry you for it.

[quote author=tpia@]seems the feelings are one sided ie from her only.


she's obviously naive [or desperate? No offence], and he's stringing her along because of it.


really, she shouldnt have had s.ex with him to begin with, if it went against her standards.

why did she date him in the first place? [/quote]Naive. Very naive, the sex was a mistake, but to her eternal shame, guys convinced her that to withhold sex was selfish. Which is why I now jump on those threads saying "No sex" and tell them not to. If a man didn't help your parents bring you up, all he deserves is a handshake and a polite greeting. Poor thing, but she's not so desperate, he was the least out of all her suitors, but he was too busy doing big boy (because he's earning pay) once he got her and she's a sweet girl, very soft and emotional. She was celibate for years and he pursued her till she gave in. But let him go and see what's out there.

It's not the sex, it's that they start finding faults with the girl and just want to leave. Like they can start a fight, she gets angry and OMG, you're such a bad person, I can't live with your drama.
Or something else. And the ladies in question are always the same sort: really good girls. Good character, pleasant, emotionally open, loving, loyal. All they need is a firm hand.

One of them has been calling the girl overemotional and immature. See the babe spent 2 months, quietly begging, he will blank her for some days, then send message. If she didn't reply, insult. She would jump, gist would end with "but I love you, pls let's work on this relationship". 2 months Then she had enough and now he's told her "let's just end things, because you're too emotional and I can't stand that." He has never ONCE apologised for any fight they had, even when she showed him she was controlling herself, he strung her and strung her till she vexed, then still said that. It's as if she was never meant to get angry at him ever, and he never wanted responsibility for the relationship ending.

sexkillz: [color=#000030]Characteristics of foolish girls. . .
Any girl that lets her guard down, sex happens and then she cries wolf is a what? A FOOL! Clamp your legs shut and see if the other nonsenses will follow. You don't foolishly open your legs heavenward for a guy who is smarter than your dumb arse, foolishly fall in love because he promised you love in return for sex, and then, get so emotional after you have realized the magnitude of your stupidity and foolishness that cannot be compartmentalized, and finally open a dumbassed infectious thread on NL, and ask the dumbest of all dumb questions "Why do men do this?" Do what? What men? How many men? You should rather look in your mirror and ask yourself why the bloody hell you were so foolish to fall for a line that is older than my great granddfather. Ask the man that fccked you up for some explanation, and quit opening quintessentially hopeless and pathetically st[b]u[/b]pid threads all over NL, asking questions like a foolish teenager that just lost her virginity. . .

ZIP UP & SHUT UP Gaddammit! [/color]

Who wants to bet Sexkillz has done something daft like this

Sexkillz, if I ever see any thread in which a guy is complaining that his gf is not bleeping him and you talk, well I have Okija shrine close to me. You will die from craw-craw.

I'm not naming names. But is that men don't know what they want? Because if they tell you about the chick they mess up, she is always the very definition of what they want, yet still...

Do your mothers and sisters need to pray for you, so you don't lose a good thing for idiotic reasons?

One is on my case and he did that to his ex, and begged. But she had moved on, and all his answer was was Immaturity. Please explain how that works. Because I feel sorry for him, I don't even like him and he threw away a girl who worshipped the ground he walked on. And he's trying to do effort for me (oh, I'll help with a job in a big company, oh, come attend my sibling's wedding let's take pic with my friends, meet my sister) yet isn't putting any effort into it. And then he will go out proclaiming his 'Nice Guy Can't get a Girl' agenda.

One dumped his darling, because she's not ibo (and is now doing assistant bf and spending money on ibo girls who have bf and are using him)
Another dumped her "oh she was too emotional and loved me, how do I know it's real?" (fool, you're short, ugly and carless with a low-paying job, she looks like she competed in MBGN, what are you still wondering about?)
Another "oh she's emotional, what if she doesn't give me space"
A big goat (the one toasting me know) "Oh I was scared of getting hurt" (like that is supposed to make me like you!)
Another "I didn't know if she really liked me, so I pulled away to test her"
Lastly "she swore she would love me and be everything good to me, and she was, but there was no sex. So I stopped calling but OMG, I can't believed she's moved on"

Please serious replies. Let's solve our men's issues. Because the gist always end with "Yeah, I the guy, now regret letting her go"

You meet a guy. He comes off as a player, you run. He pursues, you run harder and faster. You play all sort of tricks to get rid of him "come and meet my folks, be in a committed relationship with me before sex". He swears that he wants a good girl and you're it. You tell him "sure, but no sex." Afterall you've been celibate for years without him, and you assure him there's no need to spend his money, please don't try and buy you.

He chases you, and you meet a friend or two, or his coworkers. You begin to trust and let your guard down. The sex happens.

All of a sudden, this nigger realises you're childish. And gosh, so over-emotional. He asks for a break. You're in tears and you're begging and pleading, wondering why he won't even accept the fact that he's partly to blame for the fights, as it takes two to play with one's emotions. But no, if in a conversation, he says there's no problem in double dating and you tell him you will deal with him should he dare, he hears "She will kill me, omo, run". He's treating you like you slept with his bestie, rather than you just deleted him off your bb. He ignores you, you ask what's wrong, no answer. Then you try and move on. And he blasts you for daring such. You try and resolve this and he says it's always your fault.

"Why did you delete me?? You're a child"

You finally agree on a break. You send messages during that time, he replies sporadically. Yet if he sends you a "Hi" and you don't reply, pepper will pour down the BB line. He strings you on, over and over, and you fall. After all, he knows you don't have experience in dating, whilst he's dated the whole world. Everyone advises you to blank him, but you reason "we're mature adults, we should be able to talk, we had no real problems". But one day, you've finally had enough, and you leave. Then one of two things happen:
He hears you're moving into a new relationship, sends you message to try and see if you are still keeping his spot open, then comes on NL asking how to get you back or
He comes on NL, to complain bitterly that there are no good girls

The reason I'm asking is that I know sooo many guys doing this, it's no longer funny. And it's always the same crap, and almost a year later, if they could put their pride away or confirm she still likes them, they would beg the chick. So why not focus on the job in the first place?

WHERE ARE 190, SEXKILLZ AND ALL THOSE OTHER MUGUS? WHY ARE THEY NOT CONDEMNING THIS IDIOT??

If this thread was titled "All Nigerian gurls are useless", they would be falling over themselves to comment and tell their own story. Now, here's a girl whom all she wanted was a relationship, not a bank account. Silence.

I'm bookmarking this thread, next time I see any thread complaining about Naija girls, I'll past this. Nice girls exist, your brothers are too busy making sure they deal with them and turn them into golddiggers and selfish women.

My dear, if he has chopped and cleaned mouth, relax. Karma will catch him. I'm not lying, you won't see the revenge, that's just the painful thing, but I have a lot of male friends. The useless ones have lousy marriages. You can see the smiling pics on fb and hear the gist later.

Sit her down and get a full explanation from her. Don't jump into the relationship like that and don't break up like that. All these guys saying move on, plenty fish dey sea, true, but how many of those fishes are not poisonous?

Babe, I know this hurts, but they're right. Move on. Men do this a lot: everything's going well, but inside they go crazy. Then run away from the lady. His mum might have died, but he didn't call you to tell you, whom he has coming daily to see. So give him space. Stop calling so much, send a message once in a while (like 3 or 5 days). If he likes you, he'll come back. If not, let him be. If he comes back, take it slow, let him chase you. He may be over you or he may have left because most likely, you were not meant to be serious runz and he developed feelings for you and got confused. So he ran. Men look for sex and find love, women look for love and find sex. Just distract yourself, he'll be back if you were a nice girl.
And don't beat yourself up if you did sleep with him. All this goats saying "he's shined your congo and is tired" will be the same to insult you if you had not slept with him.

Well, get ready to meet a lot of dumb women. I met one this year, a christian who doesn't believe in pre-marital sex, and she says she turns a blind eye if he errs from time to time. And my male friend loved his gf, but strayed from time to time. Relationships are funny nowadays. I think we should go back to the days of Arranged Marriage, so we would have zero expectations except for her cooking n bearing kids and his ability to provide food and shelter. Anything else is a pleasant surprise.

holamiday: My girl left me(i wont say dump because i did not lose anything) for another guy recently. Though it was really my fault cos i treated her very badly in some ways i can't explain now(it's not molestation, rape, neither did i beat her). it was just that my kind of life is so boring; i don't go to parties, i don't stroll, i've neva gone 2 c her at her house, i don't walk with her i don't do anything that makes a normal person happy except that i give her gifts & money a lot & i call her a lot on phone. I know it's bad for me not to be doing those things but it's just my life; i'm a very introversive person, that just likes to be alone. I have the money to buy the latest clothes and shoes but i just keep wearing my clothes since 3 years ago. It's just me, i don't care about anything. There was a time she was very sick for about three days & i did not go to her house to c her. It's not thati was wicked but i just feel too shy i don't like to go out. I don't kno how to explain this but i hope someone understands me. During the illness i spent not less than 3k on calls alone. I remember i bought mth 750 like 4 times amongs 200 andd 400. She knows i'm 100% faithful to her, which i realy am, she knows i love her very much but when john came she just culd not resist him. john is not more financially balanced than i am but he's very sociable, he wears the latest style in clothing, he likes clubbing, dancing, etc(which my girl likes and always tried to convince me 2 be doing) & i must confess he is more handsome than i am. I'm a third year student of mechanical engineeering student in the university of first choice & she knows it, John goes to work according to her(perhaps he's a sales boy at a shop) and i'm sure the highest he has is an ssce certificate with perhaps no push to climb higher and i can humbly say that i am greater than this my rival in almost every aspect asides clothing and social nature. Now she's with him and when i begged her to give me a chance and that i'd change, she bluntly told me she could only date me & john together or John alone. I can't share her with someone else so i refused & she refused to bend her resolve too. I know john will not and does not take care of her in the aspect i was skilled in, above(giving her cash, recharging her phone, and calling her excessively) but she seems to be more comfortable with him than me. What does any1 hav to say about this story? I'm nt handicapped, i'm not short, i have no disability, i speak good engish better than john's, i'm handsome in my own ordinary way also. I see no reason why this girl should prefer john to me. Someone please explain things to me.

She's not that into you. And this is NOT your fault. She is at a point where what she values are guys like John. She may grow up and still want guys like John. If she gets mature, she will like guys like you in the future. But do NOT wait for her and do not punish another girl for her choice. It's hurtful when people you like do this to you, and when peopls are selfish, they don't care how they hurt you or damage your self-esteem. Let her be. As Kirk Franklin sings in his song. "Imagine Me"...let go of those who hurt you, because they never did deserve you.

One day, you're gonna think of her and realise that she taught you to value the good woman who will love your introverted ways and generousity.

Here's the situation: you'll leave, but go back, beg, he'll refuse you or take you back and make it all your fault. You'll be hurt, pained, cry, get angry, begin to heal, then move on. Then, he'll show up. Wanting you again and demanding your love.
Your bf knows you're a good girl, and he knows you love him. He's taking you for granted (by flirting openly) but doesn't want to let you go (by seizing your phone n getting pissed at u doing less than half of what he did). He's not ready for commitment. So leave him. He'll prolly run out and chase those girls like mad, while you cry. The minute he suspects you're moving away from him, he'll try and keep your emotions on him. He won't try and come back, but he'll check up on you and play with ur emotions till he's satisfied ur still his and run off again. He'll keep doing so till you vex and leave him. The truth is that you're the right girl at the wrong time in his life. And you cannot move him forward, so let him go. I've been in his situation, and everytime I think of the guy(s) I had, I wonder what demon possessed me to say no to them. If God has plans for both of you, he'll grow up and find you.

MRbrownJAY: - unless she was forced into doing all what she did, then i see no problem here. when men are doing the same thing, nobody sees anything wrong in the act, so why should this be any different?
- why do you think people should raise their voices or insult their partner? is it because she has money that you think she has the right to do such low life act? people who have ABSOLUTELY no class do such thing, at least she is showing some maturity.
- how do you know that the reason he loves her is simply because of her kind heart?
- people should take ALL of their pastors prophecies, or none......but taking only the ones that suits you is definitely WRONG!
- thinking that happy people dont go through pain/suffering is also a sure way to fail in life.
- the fact that you want them to marry when they have nothing SECURE in place, shows us all YOUR level of desperation/irresponsible nature.
- nothing this guy does is good for you, yet they have been together for 4yrs. when are you going to realize that your views do NOT matter, and that you probably should accept their r/ship?.

we can all understand from your post that you would rather marry her off quickly (out of desperation) to any strangers out there........but maybe you should LISTEN to your friend, and be there for her. not everyone out there want to marry donkeys, just out of desperation for marriage.

No-one is saying bounce him because he's broke. He's treating her badly now and we've seen cases like this where the man doesn't change for better, and it gets worse, money or no money. So she should be careful. Some people are negative, no matter their condition. You can't pls them. because this man is insecure abt the money, he'll start seeing bad things she's doing in every statement she makes, when it's not true. because you're the sweetest, most loving person doesn't still mean you are right for some people as spouse.

Human beings! I don't know why we exist. This is a sad case of right woman, wrong man. I had the same problem, my salary was even smaller than my ex's, but I was more generous and invested in his future. He would hala over lack of anything, and kept worrying I would blame him if the rel ended. Then he pulled away and when I tried to remove him off my bb or I don't reply his msg, he loses his shi.t. When I try to fix things, he doesn't want to talk.
This man is taking advantage of a good woman. And he's not calling her. Let her stop, don't beg. Pray. Ask God for help. Pastors are not infallible, so they could have misunderstood God's intentions to her. She's proved herself, and it's still not enough for him. Some people cannot accept love when it comes because they're used to rubbish. So let him find her. She's been his blessing, and let her remember, Jacob wrestled an angel for his blessing. I've seen good women end up marrying fellows like this and the man cheats, because he has from Day 1 never been able to appreciate his blessing. Yes, they will cry when you want to leave, the lady I know in this situation, her hubby calls her mum when she wants to leave after 13 years of marriage. But he doesn't want to stop cheating. Let her be careful.

OP, when you grow up, you'll understand your behaviour. Most likely when you had the first break, you made it all her fault and she begged and promised to change. And you selfishly accepted. And that made her tired of you, which showed months later. This is a common behaviour in immature people.