₦airaland Forum

davidylan:
I dont know why this one case has become the yardstick for the entire country. In fact the babying of adults is much worse in the US! Are you afraid for it seeing you live there?

Would you mind not parlaying an entire nation of 150 million and more into this one single case? Failure is applauded? Well not in my home and i grew up in nigeria . . . expectations are low? Really? In a nation where every parent expects their child to be a doctor or engineer by force? You and i must be looking at completely different countries.

Look this seems to be a general trend, people emigrate to foreign countries built by others and then turn around crying more than the bereaved about how bad nigeria is every second. Expectations are far lower in the US, i notice that educational standards here besides grad schools are far poorer than what we have. A typical Naija 14 yr old can do justice to complex math problems that your average college 19 yr old american would see as greek. Abegi dont tar us with the same brush.

If you choose to be silly and say that I counted every single one of the 150 million people in Nigeria in there when there are people like Okonjo Iweala and many people I know who are succesful and live and work in Nigeria that is your own problem. Generally that is how thing work in Nigeria. You can choose to act like it doesn't. Parents tell you what to do with your life and you are basically trained not to make a decision on your own. Generally there it is frowned upon if you think on your own. It might even have you labeled as the black sheep. That is my point. That is just bad parenting. It is easy parenting and not solution driven. People are just trying to cover this perceived "shame" when the focus is letting him learn his lesson. Anyway make I commot before someone says I am perfect because I have a different opinion. As for being rude I chose to be purposely nasty to you because you chose to be purposely simple. What can I say

Yield:
Wow, take a chill pill, will you? If you're so perfect, why don't you go and fix him yourself since you know what's best and have the perfect solutions to the issues and the problems in the country as a whole What you wrote up there was uncalled for, making assumptions about the mother and putting her down like that. I don't know why people can't reply to threads without being rude. You can be firm without being disrespectful, ya know?

And why should I? because you said so? Pleae walk away from my post if you do not like it. I know she is not listening to me but I will write what I want because she needs to hear a second opinion. Where did I put her down. If not for his mother he would do better. That is what I am observing from her posts. He has a good chance of changing his life for the better but she will not let him. You can now go and sue me

Monitor him in school, separate him from bad friends etc         Are we talking about a grown man here or a 4 year old. Someone else says do not cast blame. What the hell does that mean. You should let him know that he screwed up big time. Let him be angry. That is part of the process of being responsible. Wow. Even my 4 year old understands that there are consequences for every action.

@prof.femi HE IS NOT A CHILD. I am scared of were Nigeria is headed if the young adults in Nigeria are still being bailed out my mummy and daddy at a point in their lives were they should be using their initiative to make things happen. Where are the young leaders if we are still calling 24 year olds children. THEY ARE NOT CHILDREN. Wow. I am just afraid for that country.

2mch:
I am with Outstrip on this. She hit the nail on the head! GBAM! There is no way that in 4-5years of this boy going to school that you did not suspect something was not adding up. Maybe with 7 kids you are too busy to pay attention. But not all children are the same. Some need help and close supervision more than others. I am against the sending abroad issue, you are only going to create a problem that will lodge itself abraod. He will now get the freedom to truly misbehave and waste your money. You are also reinforcing in him the fact that failure is ok, mummy and daddy will find an alternative for you whenever you fail. Also know that your other kids are learning and watching how you handle this issue. The only thing that works with kids like this is tough love. He is a man now, and should be prepared to earn his meal. It is either he goes back to school or finds a job. He can start as an apprentice in a mechanic shop if he thinks he is too big for school. This is the problem with kids that are too smart sometimes. They become too smart for their own good and arrogant. At the same time the parents think that they dont have to worry about that particular child. Just let him know that as you are leaving for work in the morning, you want to see him leave for work too. Everyone should leave the house and go to work or school. If he refuses then for his future and for your future or life (children handicapped in life skills can be the cause of your death tomorrow), send him packing. It is your house not his. He either abide by the rules or live on the streets.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That is the attitude in the country as a whole. Failure is applauded. It is not get your ass up and make it happen. That is why Nigeria is so screwed up. Expectations are so low. As you can read madam is only listening to people that her petting this grown ass man. Even her husband, the child's father already raised an issue years ago. I am sure she was the one who jumped to her son's defense. Now she is here again trying to clean up his mess. It looks like he takes after mom. They don't learn from their mistakes. Mom here is making sure that he also keeps that mentality up. You cannot teach someone something you do not know. She does not know and does not want to know.

This is horrible. The wife aborting a pregnancy and you painting a picture that makes me think that your story is very one sided. I don't know what can save this. I think this is just too deep and complicated for nairaland. Too intense. Why exactly is he still fighting for the marriage if she did all these horrible things and even aborted a pregnancy. SMH

It's not even an issue. It is just good manners. If you live with someone for an extended period of time and you never even attept to contribute something especially if you are working then you are a thief. A thief taking advantage of someones kindness to you. That is even worse than an armed robber that sneaks in in the cover of night.

Send him abraod ke. Please lets get serious here. The parents are not serious minded either. I don't know how you send your child to school especially if even by your own account you r husband was suspicious and never even go to campus to see what is going on. I am sure whenever his dad raised suspicion you found a way to cover for him. Now you are on here again trying to cover for him again. You have to insist he goes to school andif he refuses you kick him out. A 24 year old that his mother is still chasing him up and down to do something that 18 year old kids do everyday. I know you will get defensive but cuddling him will not help. I am sure all those years he was collecting money for tuition and books. If you claim that he is your responsibility then you should have known the moment he dropped his classes. The problem is that Nigerians will shout he is my responsibility to useless their child with indsicipline but will not put that same energy to make ure that that child gets to the point that he is 24 and has been lying and possibly stealing from his parents for years.
I know you will not listen. I know you will even pack him up to go overseas as some have suggested. That will save him from the shame he brought on himself. Let him feel that shame. It is important that he feels it. As you make yoru bed so you lie on it. If you want to take a short cut and not let him lie on it then do not cry when he wants to take the short cut on everything else.

Happy Birthday

Italo there is no catholic church in the Bible. The only church in the bible was THE CHURCH OF GOD which is the body of Christ. To answer a question about infant baptism by saying it initiates an infant into the catholic church shows that you cannot separate sentiment from real spirituality. Anyway I am still waiting for a verse that says there is a justifiable reason to baptize infants. I don't need a book just a verse or two. I might learn something new today

This is very noble but please add birth control to that list.

Another one

buzugee:
how the heck does someone with 5 kids on benefit build structures in nigeria ?? i get the feeling you are omitting some parts of the story. maybe they are doing heavy shumtin on the side and what not.

That is my point exactly. They abuse the system. They file as single mothers and others get a second job and only show the paycheck from the job paying 9.50 and hour. It is truly shameful. I know one woman who has three kids and yes they have building in Nigeria and buy cars for cash at the auction and send to Nigeria but she has collected over $100,000 by my own modest estimate from the state. Shame. Shame. Shame. The sad part is that thee people think they will not get caught. I just hope that when it happens they do not come runnign to me to be a character witness because they will be suprised

Susan looks very classy the other lady looks trampy. I don't like Susan's hair with the dress or even the shoes for that matter

You sound like the one that is not helping himself. How can you be complaining that you are living with someone and you do not offer to pay for something. At te very least offer to buy the groceries. Help yourself and don't live off someone else.

I agree with you though on the welfare issue. I hate it when I see Nigerians here that abuse the system. there are actually people who need those services and taxes are going up everyday to accomodate it but you will see a Nigerian that gets more than $20,000 every year on benefit but keeps having children and building structures all over Nigeria. Why come to someone else's country and ruin a system that they set up after ruining your own country

pleep:
This argument is not appropriate for the Nigerian context, as the gender roles are quite traditional in Africa.

However, in the US the gender imbalance is horribly skewed. Lets be frank here boys are taught from an early age that women are better than them. And men are usually made to take the blame for women's mistakes. For example unplanned pregnancy is 110% a womans fault, but society still finds a way to blame men. Examples of this can be found in places like the Maury Povich show.

In the past women were docile, hardworking, very dependent on men, and so much was expected of them from society (and still is in many places). To compensate for that, females were given special privileges and exempted from certain tasks.
but women no longer follow traditional  rules yet still expect these privileges. When women leave their societal role the moral fabric of a community falls apart. More out of wedlock births which leads to crime. Females choosing mates because of emotions rather than logic , high divorce rates because of no gender roles etc.

Women will complain all day telling men how to be men and stop "whining." but when we tell them to "act like a woman" its chauvanistic.

And to those p[i]uss[/i]y whipped dudes saying; "women are special." No they are not. only a[i] select few[/i] women are special. The sooner u realize this the sooner you stop being a tampon.

What america are boys taught that they are better than women. You can start by telling the truth. A typical American man is taught that he is no better or superior to a woman. It is not like they are lined up either and that is drummed into their heads. They see it in their day to day lives. Like seeing men out in public hold doors open for women and pull seats out for them, or help them lift a heavy load. That is what they see and the well raised ones grow up treating women that way. A typical "well raised" Nigerian man will walk beside his wife while she carried 50 pounds of load on her head. That is why you see Nigerian women walking around with necks like American football players. I appreciate honesty. I would even agree with you to a point if you did not start out with a blatant lie.

Nobody likes a whiny person but it is just my own personal experience especially here on nairaland. Nigerian men just whine a lot. What makes it almost unbelievable is that Nigerian women are expected to deliver but Nigerian men just want to whine through life. It irritates me when i ccome on here and men are always whining about women. It almost seems like pre school sometimes. How can someone say that having serious consequences for rape and other crimes or things that specifically for the most part happen to women be because of feminism in a negative way. Honestly if you believe that feminism brought about those things and you are speaking negatively about feminism then you have a serious problem.

What do you mean by he goes in your wallet and takes you money. Are you running a thief training institute from your house. You even seem to still be making excuses for him. I don't think you have suffered enough. Wait a little longer oh nna

emmatok:
It is influenced by FEMINISM.

Why do the media make so much noise when men cheat and keep quiet when women cheats.

Those FEMINIST even claim both genders are equal, just to appease themselves. 

You see how you just embarass yourself in public. I have said it time and again. If you people are tired of women and when I say you people I mean NIGERIAN MEN then you can as well try men. Abi. That way we will not hear your whining. Nothing attractive about whiny men and the bulk of you just do that. Whine Whine Whine.

Liars

It is not about the sex. He is a drug addict and an abuser

2sexy why are you researching his income. It makes you look bad. It also shows that maybe you guys asked him for money almost immediately after reconnecting. Money should never have come up in conversation. You said he is a medical doctor the most you should have asked for was medical help for your sick mother. he is not repsonsible for your education or feedingyou. It is so unfortunate that he never met his mother again before she died. i think maybe if you guys never asked for money he might have felt more comfortable.

Did they not just make this a law that hospitals should not refuse medical treatment to gunshot victims.

Happy married life

Gluckdude:
Well, let's break it down. first to be honest, i am the one involve.so ignore the friend part.
If anyone says i am being stingy,that is totally wrong, how can a man who gives his woman the amount that she needs being considered STINGY.she uses a blackberry touch,courtsy me,she makes her hair every 2 weeks with about 8k,she is free to my wallet anytime she wants to get minor stuff from the stores, it goes on and on, THE MONEY IS NOT REALLY THE ISSUE, IT'S THE TRUST. if i dont trust her with hundred's how can i trust her with millions.
putting up instances. i was planning on getting her a ride to make her movement more confortable, the scenerio that will play out if i ever consider doing that is, she will walk in any time she is broke or feel like it, and tells me that maybe the shaft or the 4 shock absovers are all broken and needs to be fix. she will gulp up 20k or there about.in 5 years time, she will migrate to maybe 100k, only God knows what will happen in 20 years to come.
i have never denied her anything she ask of. and i dont cut down her demand. if she needs 10k, i always give it to her.
the point here is not the 500 or in another word not the amount that is inflated. the issue here is the trust has been depleted.
we all do this when we were in college, i understand. that is children to parents. totally different. how can i justify a partner that i will make my next of kin to all my worth, be so keen about making money from me.
each time i remember this, i get mad just looking at her face,i just dont trust her anymore.i dont care what she is using the money for, i will always give her anytime she needs it. why estort it from me against my wish and knowlegde.honestly i am sad about it.
i see no reason why anyone will support what she did. she is deceitful and she will have to regain that trust, which i know will take a lot of time.
if you equate this scenerio with that of you and your boss, first its ok for you to know your boss dont really trust you 100%, no good boss will ever trust his employee, so you can steal from him as long as you want, just pray he doesn't found out, you will be sitting your sorry arse at home. hunting for another invisible job.
GREAT THINGS START FROM SMALL BEGINNING, SO DOES silly THINGS.
enough said.

Does your wife work outside of the home

The bible says you can abstain from sex with fasting but it has to be in agreement with your spouse. Maybe like CC said he will pretend that it is a kiss and before you know it her legs are in the air

MRbrownJAY:
@CC
yes something is clearly wrong in this union BUT wifey went the wrong way into solving the issue.
to me, the worst in this story is that she had the audacity to ask for "transport money". clearly, this lady was out to get every penny out of her hubby, lol.

as Debosky said: if wifey said no to sex, is it ok to "get it" in a deceitful manner?

@Jay bee
how you doing man, how is the London weather treating you?

oh please. There is nothing like he has the final say with their money. The rules are made and both follow it. Nobody should have total access to the money and the other has to ask for money to do minor things around the house. The man has a problem. The woman has a problem. The woman should let the man go buy these things since he insists on her asking for money for silly things. MrJB what do you really know about finances in a partnership. How can you even say that the man doling out the money is their way of making sure that the money is not misused. It is men like this one that come on NR and cry that their wives have been secretly building a house or that their wife just got a new job and she does not want to comingle money even though he has been the one working for the last 10 years. What the hell do you expect?

weaseloo:
The truth is that most women do it. And it is totally wrong.
That is how we pass this miserable act to our children and the cycle continues. . .

Your friend should work with his wife down to the detail with this and tell her it is wrong for her to do such since they are both in the marriage as 1.
He should not take it as one big thing abeg. Ask other married women, they do it but wont admit it. Just like you when you were growing up and you had to ask your parents for pocket money. You would want to add your own extras so you can get spare money for other stuff you might need but not want to tell them. Na so.

I am a married woman and i do not do it. My mother did not do it either so please do not generalize. The extras she is asking for is so small that it makes me wonder. first of all why is he the one with the access to their money and she does not. By doing that he has also made it clear that it is his money and not hers. So why should she respect it as their money. I really get irritated when I see married folks that insist on separate money. How can you say you are working towards the same goal when you have separate money. The man started it by putting his wife in a position to ask him for 1500 bucks to buy diapers. If she had the income would he be okay with asking her for 1500 bucks to buy shaving cream? SMH