₦airaland Forum

I think invest more time in getting to know her first, truly find out if you are her kind of man first, and then actually coming out and saying the words shouldn't be too hard because you'd be confident by then on her most likely answer.

Well, yeah, guys do love the chase, they say they don't but I genuinely believe they do. They wanna get that girl who says they're not interested. When they have the girl, it's just that point that they actually think, do I actually like this girl, do I want a serious relationship with her. Unfortunately the guy probably is so consumed with the chase he doesn't think this through, if the girl is a good girl, he still will compare it to what he expected to get after the chase, as in an amazing girl, not just an amazing girl, but what he considers an amazing girl, that could be a great cook, a great dancer, a great kisser, a great dresser, great at sex, or all of them.

The girl would have been testing the guy throughout the whole chase whilst the guy is absent minded about the future during most of the chase (though I have actually heard of the love at first sight theory, where the guy believes you two are destined to be together before he's truly gotten to know you).

In all cases, mature guys are the best, after a chase, they understand to give the relationship a fair chance, and understand that a decrease in attention could be due to the ending of the chase and they put more effort to sustain the relationship.

With me my ex, I just got so fed up of being the only one to text and call, you know guys stop responding when they're no longer interested and with guys that usually means something better's come along or even simply another interesting chase.
At first we both messaged each other a lot, and texted and nobody fronted, he'd message me immediately even if I had fallen asleep the night before and left him hanging. I'd message him again even if I knew it was past the time he said he called. Now when it got ridiculous was when it was taking him a full day to respond to a 'how was your day' text and he'd be replying 'yesterday was ok, today's going well too'. I knew he could afford the texts because he bragged about having a better phone contract than mine I just knew that he was doing the typical thing men do which is to 'distance yourself from her, so she brings up ""the talk"" or breaks up with you',

Sado!

I don't believe it's that simple. I know some of the people who would not be considered rich or wealthy or struggle to make money, but they are happy.

There are so many different combinations.

A huge influence is faith in God which gives them perserverance and peace of mind in some aspects, another could be a loyal wife, beign the backbone to the husband and telling him things will get better and supporting him, another could just be the man is humble and doesn't need power, just needs his family. Every man is different, some men are happy with just power, or some men are happy with just money. The trick here is they are usually not happy enough until they have a woman behind them supporting them, most men feel that is the final icing on the cake to a long fruitful life

michelin89:
You only make stupid threads. Are you saying a woman can't date when she likes just because one day no man will come looking for her?

PS: Are you MT's ex? I am asking because she has been going around asking dumb questions too: "Can A Man Find 29+ Old Lady Attractive?" If you are please go back to her. Both of you would make a real nice couple!

OMGosh! Michelin89 now you just gave me the laugh of the century!!

Hehehehe! I never noticed that good joke + 10 points

There are more women living with AIDS than men because sorry to be biased (correct me if you have any facts or even strong reasonable opinons) but men tend to sleep around more than women in those places. The men have multiple wives and all it takes is one man carrying it, to have sex with as many virgins as he 'must' to 'get rid of it' (NOT TRUE! IT DOES NOT WORK!)

The 'value of women' greatly depreciates as soon as they are no longer virgins, the more promiscuous sex in those countries where AIDS is a problem are the males!

I am so sorry I don't have facts to back this up, but all the stories I have heard in the news is of men sleeping with virgins to get rid of AIDs or promiscuous married men.

I personally believe you are, but talk to him, this doesn't mean you should give him a chance to lie to you. Talk to him, tell him your honest issues, and then if it's just stupid excuses I'd advise you to leave. He is romancing other women, yet he want to carry his baby! There is ONLY one way to tell if a woman can get pregnant, doesn't he trust your word, you don't have any health problems and are not carrying anything are you, then you should be a typical woman who is able to bare children. This man is just not appreciating your lovely self , Why do I say you're lovely, because you are giving him the benefit of doubt by even posting this topic, how many people will actually tell you to stay with him,

Do what you think is right.

Fekuti,

Well you haven't met me then. I believe sex should be kept until after marriage because one of two things,

1 - Until I have found a loopol in the Bible that says it's okay to do it when you feel like it, I'll keep to that.

2 - I don't want to have multiple partners and see I am single yet I have had 3 ex boyfriends, that means that if I had had sex with them I would have had 3 different sexual partners. I would never tell a guy that I would never have sex with him unless he married me because first of all I know that sex is a very natural thing and who knows one night of hormones and a committed and trustworthy boyfriend/fiance can cause you to throw caution to the wind (all you need is one night!)

I never knew guys saw women who didn't want to have sex before marriage as bartering sex for a 'f-ucking wedding ring'. I always thought there could be mockery in these women, since the 'real world' operates on sex. I never knew, I thought most people agreed to disagree and would move on. If any woman wants to force a man to marry her by using sex, then that is messed up, because your husband would not be respecting the whole point of marriage. It doesn't say 'til the sex gets lame do us apart'.

I told my ex no sex before marriage because I was very confused what I honestly believed (there's what the Bible says and what my mind is telling me logically), but because all my life I had believed that it was 'a terrible thing' I wanted to protect myself until I was sure. I wanted the guy to know he better not be in the relationship for sex (but you know some still stay to get sex despite your honesty and being upfront about it). I also didn't want him to think that I was being a tease OR that I wasn't attracted to him OR that I was contradicting what the whole relationship was about. Sex is so casual these days that even me being a christian and him being a christian, I still had to tell him, 'ya know I'm one of those christians who actually tries to abide by what the Bible says about sex'

Don't hate, deliberate!

LOL @ Kliplemet's joke

I've always believed that two mature people can handle love appropriately, if you're mature enough to understand your partner may not love you yet and deserves time to make their own judgement, then you should be mature enough to know you shouldn't rush into love, and that time is what you need. A lot of people get impatient, that is why we get the whole 'when is it too soon to say you love someone scenario' though I loved my ex I didn't tell him, our relationship broke up before I got the chance, personally for me he needed to pass more of my personal requirements before I could commit and tell him I loved him, there were just too many uncertainties, and after all this analysing I realise that maybe what I felt for him was infatuation. Hollywood has made us believe that love is an instantaneous thing, maybe it is for some people, but I genuinely believe that it grows and flourishes, when a partner behaves strange, or untrustworth-ily then the love takes longer to grow or some is subtracted, you should try not to commit or love someone until they have met all or most of your requirements, and am not saying that will stop you from getting hurt, but I'm pretty sure that if the other person is also doing the same thing then you should be fine.

All I can say is time is a HUGE factor for me, I cannot trust myself to say I love someone I've been seeing/dating for less than 3 months, I think it's just silly, the relationship hasn't passed the honeymoon stage, we're still blinded by the physical attraction and chemistry, and the little details that matter are overshadowed by the huge romantic gestures that we perform.

And then Yeribaba you said that the men get their revenge on these 'slots' by having sex with the friend, sister,

Why do the men marry these 'slots' anyways, and it makes no sense, if you don't like it stay away from it.
These women may have been heartbroken many a time, and the last thing they need is another man using them for sex who genuinely does not care for them.

No woman is proud to have the long list of past escapades, shall we say because we aren't that stupid, we know there are men like you who will look down at us with disgust and shame us before all our neighbours and friends.

LOL >>>with<<< Sisikill

OK! @ Yebariba

I apologise, I haven't read every single post BUT all I can say is. I am tired of men feeling as if a woman's virginity is a gift, which they can accept in marriage. I will accept the idea of it being a gift if also the same gift is given in return to the woman. Nowhere does it mention the man having slept with many women, and actually being the player in question who defiles all these women.
I believe a lot of women start off believing the first man will be the one, as people don't always mean it when they say their I love yous to their women. I don't believe women start off wanting to be the 'high school LovePeddler' or the 'univeristy slag'. Some go crazy after the first time, either because I run into the wrong people who induce this type of behaviour and encourage their fellow girlfriends to try 'this new money making scheme' or whatever. All I can say is that it's never as simple. I have never heard a woman to be glad to have been defiled so many times that no man will ever take her, though I will admit some believe this gives them equal power as the men and also puts them on the same level. We traditionalists know that this isn't true, 99% of traditional men will prefer a virgin to a non-virgin, though until they become men, they are the boys running around campus sampling all these women. It is harder than you think remaining a virgin, especially at a certain age, for one read this forum, all of the posts refer to 'if a man isn't getting sex from a woman, then she shouldn't be surprised if he leaves her' even in Nigeria we are saying all these shallow things.

I think I pretty much let loose on this topic. (I am currently biting my tongue )

Once again I apologise for the extremely looooong post, I guess it was because it consisted of feedback for the OP, a personal statement/crisis, an anology AND it's explanation

Thanks to the people who enjoyed it, feel free to refine it, but I did think it up on my own.

Hehhee, sorry this is a nonesense post as it will not help you what so ever, BUT my auntie, grandma and cousins are addicted to this, so much that my auntie was phoning a friend on international credit to try and get the friend to tape it for her

You really have no option to move on if she already knows that you like her, do you even like her or love her? That was not made clear in the original post. If you love her and she does not know, tell her at least so that you can get that off your chest, it's risky business intercepting a marriage though, very risky!

My answer to what I believe constitutes to real beauty in a woman is:

'What you believe makes her beautiful.'

If you believe that her only real beauty is her looks because her personality is foul, then that unfortunately for that female is her real beauty.
If you believe that it is her personality then that is her real beauty.

As a general answer, I would say real beauty is deeper than we can ever imagine, most men won't approach 'ugly' women because at the back of their mind they want a beautiful or at least pretty/attractive (on the outside) women to show their family and mostly friends. At this stage when they are just meeting the woman for the first time, they couldn't care less whether she is beautiful on the inside, because what they don't know won't kill them nor will they miss it. They haven't attached to the woman yet. But let me tell you I have seen many a man have a female friend who after getting to know her (with the idea nothing will ever happen because externally she is NOT HIS TYPE) have fallen in love with these women, a love that I think is MUCH more stronger than that if it was heavily weighted on looks, which fade and change.

Sisikill:
I still refuse to let go (After 3 years of break up).

Dude, she is NOT. . . I repeat NOT, NEVER, coming back.

Move on!!!

Jeebus!

To be honest I have seen it happen, really you can't tell what the future will hold but you should never hope, you should move on with your life so that if she never comes back you couldn't care less, not that you're waiting all your life for her and she never comes back and you're left heart broken as a result. Moving on will shock the other partner if they care for you in the slightest, but if she doesn't try to contact him, then you know she's incredibly happy that you're no longer on her case. We need to hear more about her side, does she tell you to leave her alone or is she also messing you around giving you false hope that maybe she might change her mind??

It's as if you're waiting for the day your heart will tell you you're over her, it won't!! It'll only tell you to keep chasing her, chasing and fighting love. What is love if only one person feels that way? She may only be dismissing you because you are giving her all this attention, even to the point you're posting on this forum about her! Noone deserves all that attention except they feel the same way back. Trying backing off, I'm sure having someone who chased you for three years finally stop and move on, will make her realise that you are not her backup, if she wants you or cares even in the slightest she will contact you. I repeat SHE should be the one to contact you, you have already made it clear that you love her, no woman can say that isn't obvious (unless you were some HUGE player). What was the reason why she left you anyways because maybe you haven't changed, and what's the point in taking you back when you're still the same. If she basically felt that she found better then rest assure knowing you too will find better. There are many women out there who want a man to be completely devoted to them, and though you feel your heart will always want to pursue this one woman, think logically and realise your love is better spent elsewhere.

I understand how you feel, you are genuine and honest, but you know that can be taken for granted or used to someone else's advantage. I felt that way but the easiest way is to just take things slow, try and get to know 'your man' as much as possible before going into anything and always keep in the back of your mind that it may not work, always communicate to your guy that you are a serious girl who wants committment and guy to be serious with her too. When you have felt that the guy is genuine, you will gradually start opening your heart. It happens naturally for most people, if you do not the man may leave you because he may feel unloved or used since you have your heart so heavily guarded and he has no access to it, or maybe you may be heartbroken anyway, no matter how much you know the guy or test him. Just know anyone who is dishonest to you or breaks your heart is left for God to punish, don't beat yourself up about it, just know that you tried your best, dust your hands and walk away.

All the best, aren't we all looking for genuine love?

Another thing to consider is many people hurt people without wanting to intentionally, my ex said he couldn't commit to me and I was upset not because of the truth but because of the way it worked out. He was forced by me to come out with why he was being so distant with me, he did not have a mature chat, I felt I deserved that, the truth, I had to drag it out of him. He genuinely did not want to hurt me, as to admit to me that he couldnt commit was better than pretending everything was ok and then going to cheat on me behind my back.

I am trying to decide which is funnier the OP or the comeback posted by michelin89, lol

Yeah I was beginning to get the feeling that Nigerians male and female had now accepted this western idea that casual sex before marriage is the way. I speak to my friends and they will always ask, 'did you have sex with him' 'oooh' 'maybe he left you because he loved you (HAHAHAHAHAHA! Sorry I just had to laugh) But was too tempted or sexually frustrated, but didn't want to cheat on you', Fair enough that a guy doesn't want to cheat so he'd rather end the relationship, but now I am being made to feel as if I am the fault of the relationship when from the start I had explained that I was very committed to my faith and that I was trying to get closer to God, that also I wanted to experience something that wasn't just merely physical,

Oh well, I must have been asking too much. Women, I advise we all sleep with 'our men' or fear losing them to girls who will! ***SARCASM***

Yes, I am also abstaining but my is it hard, especially when these days, you are made to feel as if your relationship does not mean anything if you and your boyfriend have not had sex and committed the 'final act of love' with each other.

I'm going to defend this guy, this is a fabulous analogy.

But it doesn't explain the widespread idea that all the best ones are taken.

I believe it does explain however, how you see the many guys going for easier girls. Me myself I feel that is why my boyfriend left me (I beg that you don't attack me, for I am still upset), he wasn't ready for a commitment but told me that I was his perfect girl (whilst he probably wanted to fill up on the apples that were at the bottom and easy catches), 

I feel like a reserve, I was mad and ignored him and now we don't even speak to each other.

All I'm going to say is that I believe I am an apple at the top, I have respect for myself, I treated my ex with respect, gave him freedom and always supported his dreams and aspirations. I almost sunk into the cycle of thinking what was wrong with me, that maybe I should make myself more available, make myself easier to catch (if you get my drift), 

It's tough trying to stay at the top also, there are always people trying to drag you down, some other 'apples' blaming you for being so 'up with yourself' that 'setting too high standards' and such.

I wonder if I can think up an analogy for guys.

Great guys are like antiques, carefully crafted and detailed, and fragile, they become more sought after with age/time, near the time of production they are not appreciated as much and so they are stored away, the much more mass-produced plastics were trendy, and hip and so took the limelight. But as time continued it wasn't good enough just to have a plastic, they were commercial, clones and common. So when women started to realise this they gradually began appreciating the antiques, and their fine craftsmanship and details were finally appreciated. They started searching for their antiques and once again proudly displayed, enjoyed and appreciated them.

The antiques are the great men with morals and values, the plastics are the players, the wannabes the ones who don't want to make a name for themselves, they want women, sex and money, none of them are individual, with aspirations or want to make a difference in the world. The antiques (great men) are then ignored, and a lot of women fall for players who actively seek 'preys' (I've heard this term too many times). Eventually, the women realise that the plastics (Players) are not men of substance, they are boys, nothing compared to the fine detailing of an antique, they are mass produced and just weren't adequate for what they needed in future, the plastics dull, and don't look as fine and the wears and tears are more transparent, they show signs of how many times they've been used and lose their initial attraction (players sleeping with multiple women, and have such a long list that women are greatly put off such promiscuous men). They bring out their antiques (they start searching for real men, they know what they're looking for, these men outlast the others, and are finally appreciated).

WOW that was long.
Apologies.
Copyright O!

I do believe you can like someone a lot and cheat, but call me a typical female if you wish but I don't believe that you can love someone and cheat on them. With this I will also say a lot of people don't know true love when it's right infront of them, and after making 'the mistake' they often feel a wave of guilt and disgust (the non-players that is).

Now, here is my question, imagine, now really try to imagine , if every two people in a relationship had a passport type of document for their relationship, and everytime someone cheated a stamp was placed automatically under no. of times cheated on partner,  Automatically, magically, mystically whatever, this is only an analogy after all  ,  But if you knew that once you'd cheated it would be stamped forever on your card, your partner could see it, it'd be with you everywhere you go, throughout the whole of the relationship, after marriage, after kids, after everything! Would as many people cheat? The basic question is ' Would people cheat as much if they knew they would ALWAYS, 100% get caught" I don't think so. This relates to my idea that people cheat because they think they can get away with it, that there is a chance their partner will forgive them. The people who cheat often exploit the imbalance of love in the relationship, they know their partner loves them more than they love their partner so worst comes to worst, they know that there is still a chance that the partner cannot bare to lose them and so forgives them.

I completely understand where you're coming from. This is just a natural urge, men have them too and women pretend not to. I think you should take time to write your boyfriend's pros and cons because it seems to me that you were seriously considering leaving your boyfriend just for some fun with Mr.Gorgeous. By writing the list maybe you can put into perspective why your boyfriend is so great because it seems that you may have forgotten the reasons why, make a similar list for Mr.Gorgeous if he was to be your boyfriend, what is his potential? You will most definitely find that Mr.Gorgeous has nothing on your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is turning you off by not being fashionable, I think you should seriously discuss this with him, not as in a sit down and talk type of thing, but more of a comment here or there, 'you know your hair would look great if you smartened it, or had it cut' or 'why don't we start going to the gym together', buy him hair products and things that will encourage him to smarten up whilst at the same time, smarten yourself up so that he knows he can't just let himself go and that he's not going it alone.

People can tell you over and over again not to let your boyfriend go because he is amazing with you, I have been there and I know sometimes you just feel as if you're not that attracted to certain aspects of your boyfriend. If you believe these are serious issues that are getting in the way of intimacy or other things, then you should seriously consider why you are with your boyfriend and your future together. However, if you feel that you will grow to love his quirks over time and can see yourself married to your boyfriend then know that you are just having a harmless crush for Mr.Gorgeous.

Hope that helped
Good Luck