₦airaland Forum

HCH3COO:
You can't admit when you make a bad assumption. I am the one being insulted here. Wrongly accused of being insultive.
The subject of the sentence before is included in my answer, and I used your derivation in my example. You are bitter that I used a similar analogy to nonsensify your claim.

Why does everything have to become SO childish. Until proven no one can say I made a bad assumption, we still need to get a third opinion, neither am I bitter. It is not about how you choose to read it, it is about how it is written. Don't worry I will get that opinion,

Here it is:

the link! http://www.golivewire.com/forums/peer-yatanys-support-a.html

and the replies:

Quote: from Yummie Strawberries at 4:02 am on Aug. 6, 2008

Apparently you broke up with him. That is cruel. All this time I thought he was the evil one.

Quote: from shutter bugs at 4:03 am on Aug. 6, 2008

they thought he was a bad person for breaking up with you and hurting you but you where the bad one

Quote: from chaosdisown at 4:04 am on Aug. 6, 2008

"so let me understand, you broke up with him? that was a cruel thing to do. While i thought that he would break up with you, because he would seem like the guy who would." thats what i got out of it

Now what do you think?

I believe that the problem is as soon as you figured out that I was having issues with getting over my ex, you have tried your darned best to find some box to categorize and sort me into. Whether it be the obssessive, the possessive or the brokenhearted female. I don't believe you have given me a fair chance, or even considered what I've been saying without bias or preconceived idea and that's a shame. Practically everything I've said on this board has been 'truly questionable' though reading it literally it may seem like a 'blatant point' but we both know it's a 'taking the piss' type of comment even oyinye2 thought so (hate to bring people into this) when she said you should 'stop it' and 'be a little sympathetic',


I think it started when you posted this:

"HAHAHAH You will never get over that guy. If he came back tomorrow you would jump on his back.

Hmm! No wonder some guys are scared/skeptical of boning virgins.


Quote from: topup on Today at 01:44:49 AM
As if! You don't even know me. Now why would you be afraid? I'm only letting off some steam, I wasn't even hating, just being honest, you guys are making it seem like it's unnatural,

I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And I'm glad your steam is limited to the internet. Could be worse."

Comments tinged with smart remarks and sarcasm, did I deserve them for the opinions I initially expressed in my OP, I don't think so.

onyinye2:
Do you think that by thinking of the bad will make things easier? Think of all the woman who think of the bad when they are in an abusive relationship. And most of them will end up going back.

This situation cannot be compared or similarised to that of an abusive relationship, simply because there is no abuse.

From what it sounds davidylan enjoyed being with his first love, that's why he has fond memories of her and using her as a benchmark, please don't tell me that no matter the experience, the first love will always be something you'll want to use as a benchmark, well maybe if it's to make sure you NEVER make the same mistake, but if you were in an abusive relationship I doubt you'd want anything similar to that again.

YES I THINK that BY thinking of the bad it'll make things easier, when you keep in mind, it is in comparison to thinking that she was an innocent angel.
I am not providing solutions that will 100% completely work, we are talking about making things easier, which is relative, it doesn't mean there isn't still emotion or sadness, you just are able to put things in perspective.

What about the abusive relationship, the example you have used is extremely rare, most women would go back because they place more emphasis on the good memories or due to nothing to do with good thoughts or bad, and more to do with simply they believe they have no other option or home or societial pressures. Women who go back to their abusers often say 'he's not that bad, he buys me anything I want, or he never hits me when the kids are around', does this sound like a person who is considering the cons at all?

HCH3COO:
to be technical like you.

i would derive that i think breakups are cruel.

Now you can't even admit it.
The subject of the sentence before is included. So much like I said "You think cake is delicious"
It would also be "breaking up with him is cruel" and not that 'cakes are delicious' or 'breakups are cruel',

The typical person would apply the adjective (cruel or delicious) to the subject of the previous sentence, in my example the subject is the cake, but in yours the subject is him, *please can someone give a second opinion here*

And weren't you claiming that what you wrote was that 'he was cruel'?

They're getting better, the video by infinity - aye ole, how about that song with 9ice and 2 face, or psquare - roll it

onyinye2:
Women's Perspective

Your first love is will always be in the back of your mind. No matter how many relationships you have afterwards. There is something about that first love that just can't erase. The memories, the feelings, the experiences, you can't just put behind you. Even when you try to forget, you always remember. I don't know but maybe because it is your first that makes it so special.

My problem is that I don't actually know if I was in love with him, I have had other relationships in which I felt I would not get over and I did, in fact completely.

This however I can honestly say was my first serious, physical and emotional relationship. I mean I've done the whole teenage love crush thing, done the LD/ internet thing, but this was the first adult-style relationship, if you get me.

But yes you're right, I've heard from many, you never forget your first love.



One of my guy friends told me that at the time he did not realise he loved her, but now with other girls, he can't forget the time they spent together and her effect on him.

davidylan:
its easy for you to start giving advice, you just wait until it happens to you. Rational behaviour will take its leave.

What is it with everybody on this topic!?

I'm giving advice because I care,

I mean just because something is difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't attempt it or impossible or a happy medium cannot be reached.


Just try your best to think about the good and bad, often we only have the good memories, we never remember the arguments which made us want to walk out, or the annoying habits they refused to let go. We only remember the times they were good and this is what will make it more difficult to overcome.

A lot of people give advice that seems impossible it doesn't mean it's not the best advice.

A great example would be when I was told to simple move on, though I had hope of rekindling our relationship. Yes it's easier said than done, but that doesn't excuse anything! The advice will bring what's best for me, it's just difficult to follow or achieve, but every day if I try then it gets better, I may never forget about him and I don't have to, but to be in a state where he starts to affect my future relationship, that no guy will be good enough unless they do things the way he did, treat me the way he did or better. Everybody's different and I may miss out on other guys' other qualities if I focus on comparing the ones my ex had.

HCH3COO:
I didn't. I said I thought he was cruel. Quit the jive.

By the time you posted this I had quitted 'the jive' but seriously that has really annoyed me, if anything you started it. Also, just to point out, that is NOT what you wrote.

"from what i'm reading, you broke up with him. cruel. all this while i thought he was evil. "

Maybe that's what you intended but that is not what would be derived from what you wrote.

Sometimes I think about cake. Delicious.

I would derive that you think cake is delicious.


I do not like being told what to do.

In response to davidylan - maybe it's okay to compare future g/fs to your first true love, after all you should be aiming for someone better (no offence to her, I'm sure she was lovely - hence why you're using her as a benchmark),

Maybe you should just learn to accept the lasting appreciation you'll always have for your first love, not being too bothered that you won't overcome it, most people don't. But whatever you do, don't worship her, think about her cons aswell, don't mark down every potential great g/f because you're measuring her cons to your first love's pros,

Do you honestly believe that your first true love was the ideal girl? Or is it just because you can't get her out of your mind? Just wondering what makes a girl so special you can't get her of your mind? Was it the duration of the relationship (my analytical self asking questions again )

Yes, he will be the benchmark but luckily he didn't have too much of a hold on me though, we only went out for 3-4 months.

HCH3COO:
now you're hurting me . never insulted you.

HCH3COO:
weird. from what i'm reading, you broke up with him. cruel. all this while i thought he was evil. he didn't say he broke up over sex, you assumed he did because your friends said so. you broke up with him.

No you didn't insult me ,

Facebook is amazing for me. When your friends are on it and course notes sometimes sent in the messages, you tend to frequent the site.

I love the various options you have and unlike myspace it's not pretentious. It has helped me keep in touch with several of my old old back to primary school friends and through them I found others.

It's also great for news and gossip, you no longer need to wait 'til a weeks time to find out when someone's relationship is ended. Strangely enough Facebook also has surprised me, when I'm feeling down I will put it as my status and people never thought cared send me messages to cheer me up, it's easier to do over the internet and just a message can make a difference to someone's day.

Also, I won't dare call my ex, or text him but I have the nerve to Facebook him (and he replies)
Also, there are games, things you can decorate your homepage with and more.
The honesty box option is amazing, it takes the whole 'coming out with the truth' to a next level, I think the honesty box application is also pretty key to facebook.

I like the way Facebook simplifies the profile, so we no longer compete on the basis of who knows better html or css or even who knows the best sites to copy it from.

I loveeeee Facebook.

Honestly I don't need sympathy, let alone a little.

Well done HCH3COO or 'Acid', you've picked one, someone you can test all your come backs and insults at,

*sighs*

Onyinye2 I doubt he'd take you seriously when you have laughing smilies in your message,

HCH3COO:
that makes two of us. i was helped. you showed me the mind of a brokenhearted woman.

truly questionable.

You want a fight don't you? It's that time of the night I guess, someone's a little feisty!

Anybody who is finding it hard to get over their Ex, can answer those questions, discuss that really they weren't into the guy/girl's personality, but were possibly more flattered from how he/her made them feel or what he/she did for them,

Realising that, really helped me, you cannot believe.

I stopped thinking, man I lost an incredible boyfriend and started thinking actually, wait a minute, if what I loved most were those things, the same things that another guy can easily do for me, the texting, kissing, the putting me first and being a shoulder to cry on ,



Realising that was a BIG step, I stopped idolising him immediately.

Here's an obssessive initiative,

** Let's move on from this guy and allow others to contribute **

HCH3COO:
i thought you said it was over sex?

It might have it might have been. A lot of my guy friends thinks that's why he left me.

And by left me, I mean the reason why he started becoming distant, not texting n messaging as often. I actually said the words 'I think we should end this.'

So yes he broke up with me, I only said the words.

I think we should leave way for people replying to the OP, as the discussion has gone off topic.


If anybody is helped by the questions that makes two of us

sayhi2ay:
don't you want to admit your are obsessing over him ?

No, because I am not obssessing over him!! I am not as stubborn as you guys are making out! I explained it already, my friends understand me! I am a very analytical person, when one of my friends gives me a look, I'll analyse it, 'maybe she scowled at me because , this this that that' and so forth, or 'why is that guy texting me at this time of the night, , is it because this this that that' or 'i'll ommit the kisses at the end of the text message because he has a girlfriend and if I was his girlfriend I'd think that was disrespectful' I AM LIKE THIS. NOW if there isn't an issue I can't resolve and bring peace to my mind, I lose sleep over it, I AM AN OVER ANALYSER, if anything that is my problem. The issue is I can't put my finger on why he pushed me away (the ex). When you don't have the full story to a situation my best advice is to try not to judge so harshly, you don't have both sides neither do you have the beginning to the end narrative of what happened between us. I actually genuinely wanted to help other people feel better. I asked unisex questions so guys can be involved too, I found the questions today and they instantly made me feel better.

Now I'm starting to feel like a piece of crap again, due to your constant hammering on the whole 'it's your fault, your possessive, you have a problem' rubbish!

I can understand if people think I am obssessing over him and I am a bit,

I naturally have an analytical personality, I am very fascinated with why people behave the way they do. This has been bugging me 'cos I can't figure it out. I guess I'll have to call it a lose. Maybe in future he'll tell me the truth. Anyways, it's not that I'm over doing it, I just like to surf the romance board, and I go through Nairaland phases where I will the stay the whole night and reply to every single topic on the board, over 20 in 2 hours! And if they have questions relating to relationships, guess what am gonna use as a reference, mine!!

I can see why people think I am going onnnnnn about it, but anyways, that's my explanation for it.

HCH3COO:
truly questionable.
Too bad he's not here to defend himself. Let's hope you are truly able to start afresh. So far, all the signs aren't in your favor.

Sometimes I truly wonder if you post to advice and help or to throw the harsh realities in the face of someone who needs to be consoled.

SO you have decided here is the time and place (board ) to 'be real' with me?

I truly wonder how I would have felt if I went to you for guidance during the intial stages of the break up.
Mannn you don't know anything about the guy, but you refuse to stay unbiased. Already I am the possessive girl, who makes guys think twice about 'boning virgins',

What these forums have taught me is to stay strong, though people may say things that may not be the most useful or helpful, you gotta stay strong.

In no way have I abused the guy, I am merely just saying my point of view, how I felt, opinions not facts.

I refuse to take this little hiccup personally,

Though I doubt you'll believe me, I am NOT the possessive type, I have never received closure on that relationship. I don't know the reasons, the true reasons because he wasn't honest enough to come out with it.

I was not at all possessive and at the slight warning that he wasn't putting in his effort into the relationship, I let him go.

You heard that song by Mariah Carey 'Now you wanna be free, so I let you fly',
That's what I did.

But the problem is every once in a while I question why things are the way they are. When two people aren't speaking it is usually because of a misunderstanding I am a very reasonable person, and I always begged him to be frank with me, put feelings aside. I was met with reasons such as; "I don't know why myself" what the!!! Puh-lease gimme a break.

If I can't express myself on this forum, then where can I

AND NO! I would not jump back on him, because like I took the decision to LEAVE HIM, against the way my heart felt, I will also once again use my logic over my heart to see that if unchanged then he's just the same guy I decided to leave, not an improved version.

Thanks for your attempt at predicting me, but you are far from wrong. I did NOT say I wouldn't think about starting something again, but I am wise enough to see that it must start from the beginning, anew, afresh, from the start.

HCH3COO:
HAHAHAH You will never get over that guy. If he came back tomorrow you would jump on his back.

Hmm! No wonder some guys are scared/skeptical of boning virgins.


I'm sorry. Please forgive me. And I'm glad your steam is limited to the internet. Could be worse.

I don't understand why you felt compelled to write what you wrote. Who gave you the background info on my life hmm
Boning virgins, what does that have to do with getting over someone who made an impact in your life?

Any guy who is scared of 'boning virgins' is obviously one who wants to dip and go, otherwise he wouldn't mind her being addicted to what he has to offer.

This topic is not about sex, at all, not in the slightest.

I respected you 'til you felt it necessary to insult my feelings.

OK OK , I'm not gonna take back the post, I'll lie for y'all sake,

"I TP am COMPLETELY over my Ex"

KarmaMod:
No need to apologize. I understand how you feel.

Just don thi k you should be sending him messages or reply after for at least a month

It's been two months.

We didn't message/speak/see for a whole month (when we live 5 mins away from each other).

As if! You don't even know me. Now why would you be afraid? I'm only letting off some steam, I wasn't even hating, just being honest, you guys are making it seem like it's unnatural,

I don't see anything wrong with kissing, was discussing about the line drawn after kissing,

12 days ago, but it's lame conversation.

I write a message about how I'm doing these days, 2 days pass he replies, being not able to access the computer daily back then, 5 days pass i reply, he replies a day later, ya get my drift.

I almost feel like I should apologise since it seems like I have been going on about this guy, and to be honest the way I am you'd think he was something special.

He was my first kiss too

One thing I can thank him for is helping me boost my post count on Nairaland! Whoot!

It's a phase now, it was my first serious relationship and I opened up more to him than anyone I ever knew, he took away a lot of my trust, but I'm not angry, every few days I just think about him, I'm getting there, but it takes time. I like to open up, rather than pretend to myself that I'm okay, but seriously this topic is to help others. If I didn't post it, I'd be reading it.

My answers in purple

Some questions:

Do you miss him/her because of the things he did for you or do you miss him/her because of who he was (personality),

- Looking honestly I missed the things he did, calls, texts, cooking, making me feel good, kissing etc,


Do you miss the idea of having a boyfriend/girlfriend or do you miss having him in your life (personality),

- Honestly, I miss having a b/f before he serenaded me over and over and I finally agreed to go out with him, I had rational sense, and remember telling my friends that the type of guy he was what not what I was looking for, (I agreed because the things he did convinced me - and before everyone starts throwing their comments, it wasn't his money or gifts, I refused those, it was the way he'd always seem to have me first, call me in the morning, motivate me when I was feeling down etc)



Are you upset that you lost such a wonderful guy/girl (personality) or are you more upset because of the way it ended,

-Wow, now thinking about it, I knew my relationship had a high chance of it ending, but I unlike the ex was willing to work it through (our differences that is) and I never attached myself too much (I wasn't confessing my love to him, I was still trusting him and getting to know him) , I was honestly, more upset that he broke up with me, after him claiming I made such an impact in his life and that I am the one for him and he doesn't want to lose me.


Now, everybody who is still sulking about their last breakup, answer these questions in your posts, you may be surprised to realise that there really isn't any reason to be hung up about your ex.

Other questions:

If he came back to you and was still the same unchanged guy/girl would you jump into a relationship with him/her,

- Nope, he'd have had to work on his issues and prove through friendship that he had changed and was remorseful and was serious this time around.


Can you honestly say you believe he/her was the best thing that happened to you,

- Nope, he was just the first guy who managed to pull off the 'I'm ready for a serious committed, loving and caring relationship with you' trick on me.


I got some of these questions from friends who seeing me all messed up asked me these to really get me to put things into perspective.


Take care everyone
Peace and Love