₦airaland Forum

Eclairs:
Ummm

Kissing alone is enough to start the so called demise u are talking about. But I don't think the success of a relationship is dependent on that.

Other fins are involved

Well that's what I believed, but when I came on this forum looking for help, all I got was a bunch of people telling me; "so you thought you could have your cake and eat it" "do most things but then draw the line at sex" "you tempted the guy" "how is a guy supposed to hold back when everything else is acceptable" "by involving anything other than kissing you catalysed the demise of your own relationship" so after hearing those comments of course I thought, maybe I was missing something. I always thought that it depended on will power and the individual, so amma stick with that idea from now on!

Firstly, lose the girl, she won't be able to find another as generous, as loving, as patient and as faithful, and she'll regret what she's lost.

General comment about OP:

Gosh I wish my ex was like that, I wouldn't have thought him impotent because I would have trusted him. I am waiting until marriage and am looking for a guy who will wait with me, I hope this hasn't discouraged you from dating virgins or women who wish to wait. She gives us a bad name!
I'm actually furious that she used you like that, to be honest though most non-materialistic women wouldn't accept such a gift. When my ex and I went on dates I always brought my own money and insisted on paying for at least part of our dates.

I sincerely wish you the best of luck for the future. I hope you find a wonderful woman, and if anytime you hear rumours, always confront the person, in a loving manner of course, keep your eyes open and note down any subtle changes in the way they interact with you, maybe if they're becoming more distant or ignoring your calls/texts.

Take care!

Mannnn, what a shame!

In these type of situations unless the outcome is blaringly obviously, I would just give my friend some wisdom, not orders. I would never tell him to go for it, or to avoid it. All I would say is that he should go with his heart, I know that's hard for guys to do, but he should go with his heart so he has no regrets. Really maybe he should sit down and make a list pros and cons, then another list of what he actually wants in his future. A lot of people don't have a list, so they find themselves adapting and shaping themselves to the situation around them. Sometimes it's good to be adaptable (not stubborn) but at the same time it can lead to compromise on your ideal/prefered goals. It'll be a shame if he does something just because it's there to be done, he has to find out his truest feelings for this woman, like if the woman didn't have a car, would he still want her, how about a job or a flat. Personality is the key, if he feels that he has found a true gem, then I'm sure he'll have no regrets.

My own opinion is that maybe the girl you're with isn't right for you. Another guy may truly appreciate a girl who is interested in him and likes taking care of him too.

With my ex, I constantly had in the back of my mind that I didn't want to become obssessive over him, so I'd force myself to reduce the no. of times I'd text him to ask where he is, the thing is, before we went out, he'd be the one calling and texting asking me what I was doing, he cooked for me, paid for dates etc, you could say he 'fathered' me. It was sweet, I was drawn to his love and attention (not such a good thing to do, you should be drawn to his personality), his personality on the other hand was that of a man you have to keep your eye on, he told me he was a recovering player (well his story was a sugar coated version hindsight has shown me that),

Anyways, during our relationship, I wanted to be adventurous and spontaneous but he kept dulling it down, and genuinely being with him was just so good that i didn't care if it was 'stay in and watch movie' night 3 days in a row. I would have much prefered clubbing and parties. He met me on a night out, and I don't think I changed, I was independent, I went out with my girls, and often he would ring or amend our plans because him and his boys were going out.

All I'm trying to say is I gave this guy his space, respected that, ok I cooked for him once in a while, but he did the same, all I'm saying is that whether you mother a guy or not, isn't really a big deal/determining factor of whether a relationship is good or not. If the guy truly loves you he'll see the best in the things you do, he'll appreciate you cooking for him and wanting to know where he's at, he wouldn't see it as bugging him.

In my case, I believe my ex was just a commitment phobe, really there was nothing you could pinpoint from the relationship as being a major flaw, he just got bored.

I remember asking about whether it was all about the chase when I finally accepted his requests and started going out with him. Obviously, he denied this, but looking back, yes it was, and the seriousness of the relationship frightened him away, as his emotions were starting to become heavily involved. He was out of his comfort zone.

So maybe when you start becoming unattracted to your girl because of these things, try and look at yourself, can a serious relationship really remain in the honeymoon phase forever? If you're truly honest you will admit that maybe you are afraid of the relationship moving on to the next level, and maybe you only wanted some fun/a fling.

I have never really had anyone in my life to love me truly, like my parents love me, but it sometimes feels like there are conditions, good grades, graduate, get a great job etc,

I want to get married because like many women I have that painting in the back of my head, of kids in a stable home, running around the lush garden and the husband and wife both working together and helping each other to make life's struggles less difficult.

Depends on will power,

I'm almost going crazy myself tbh!

You posted a similar topic to this am I right? You really wanna know I guess.

Mine is 19 years and counting.

When I was 19, it was magical, loved it. So romantic, not sloppy and I wasn't as shy as I thought I would be.

I have read that if a person wishes to wait until after marriage to have sex, that the relationship is more likely to work if they refrain from doing anything oher than kissing.

The reason being that anything past, puts more pressure on the two to refrain from intercourse, and the temptation will increase and sex will become a bigger issue.

However, a part of me thinks the poor guy/gal, not only has to refrain from intercourse but from 'touching' as well? That 'come on now, give him/her a lil' break'.

Even guys have told me that anything other than kissing is likely to make achieving such a relationship harder.

OPINIONS??

As for the OP:


I'll let you know when I get married.

Men say that they are really proud of their wives who kept it. However, how about the men themselves? Also, I am starting to worry that the to-be wife's virginity plays a huge part in the man selecting her, what about her other qualities? I believe as soon as he's heard that she's a virgin a guy who wishes to marry a virgin will be more likely to stay with her and over look other things. I guess it's the same as when a guy who believes in sex before marriage realises his girlfriend has no issues with it, he's more likely to stay with her for the reason that he can get it during the relationship.

Refering to the OP,

Because naturally women's bellies protrude slightly, you have to be actively working out or have lipo to have a vertically flat tummy. Now, when the girl isn't thin, the fat stored at the tummy can give the effect of pregnancy, but COME ON NOW! A protruding does not look like a pregnant belly! The pregnant belly is lower and rounder (and firmer).

SeanT21:
Break Up with her. long distance relationship do not work.

Now I understand the pressure for my ex. He broke things because he knew from the advice from people around him that chances were it wasnt going to work, so he tried to revert us to friends, which to this day hasn't worked, but who knows the individual situation. Everybody says the same thing: "They don't work" "it won't work" "end it" etc, is there any positivity?!?!

I would only advice someone to break their relationship if the two people are having trust issues or problems before going into the LD stuff, it seems this guy has already been going through the LD relationship and now he's going to see her. Should he break up with her just like that? After all this effort and investment into the relationship? No, I think he should at least have a serious word with her, guys don't realise that when you talk to your girlfriends about your insecurities that she can comfort you, open up, or you two could come to an agreement, if he just broke up with her she may become really hurt and confused like I was and then any explanations afterwards barely seem plausible.

Some men are not ready to marry because they've made a conscious decision that they:

- wanna continue messing around whilst they're young and have all the time later to settle down
- wanna be financially stable first
- wanna not give into cabin fever, but explore the world of females out there, make new friends, get to know more people before they marry the best of a bad bunch

The ones that haven't gotten married are at least honest enough to know that they aren't ready, this is a good sign to be honest. If you've been with someone for more than 8 years and he's still not ready and can't give a reason, believe me the guy got used to having you around, and that's why he's with you (or he's commitment phobic), if he loves you he would marry you, it really is the next logical and natural step (for most).

As for the ones in marriage, those guys were probably in self denial when they got married, believing the marriage would solve their problems and issues, or solve the commitment problems, but really if you don't work on the source then other things will not change the person.
The men who continue to search for other partners whilst married, are those who never believed in the sanctity of marriage in the first place, they don't see it as a covenant, they see it more as just a title, a name, a ring, so they are able to push the idea of their wife aside and continue doing life as it was before the wedding,

Just my ideas - thought I'd reply since no one else has.

Orikinla:
I feel sorry for the woman who wrote that.
She must be in America and the guy would likely be an African American.

She had the wrong man.

My advice to women.

Take your time before you date any guy.
Do not be desperate for a lover.

Only time will tell if a man loves you or not.
Not his kisses,
Not his roses
No his gifts
Not his promises and not
His high sex drive.

The same man who loved you with kisses can also leave you with bruises.
The same man who tickled you with roses can also leave you entangled in the thorns.
The same man who pampered you with gifts can also turn around to batter you with his fists.
The same man who made all those sweet promises to you can also break them to pieces.
The same macho man who had great sex drive can also give you sleepless nights of agony.
(I have seen a woman with a black eye and she said her man beat her up for refusing him sex at 2 a.m)

The choice is yours.
So, choose wisely.

I found the OP funny in some areas, it is obviously from some woman who has been hurt too many times, still sore.

This response above though is great! Only time will tell,

I believe I am a Godmother, I tend to focus mostly on making my guy feel good about himself, try to be selfless because I assume he'll be taking care of my emotional needs too. At the same time, I require love and attention, not to be doted on, just love and attention. My guy is on my mind, the first thing I wake up and just before I go to bed is his wellbeing, and all I require is the same consideration.

Female friends is waaaaay too nice to describe what's really going on here.

The man wants to have sex with other women because his wife doesn't satisfy him sexually, well firstly has the man had a conversation about this with his wife. I mean not many people want to lose their spouses because of something so trivial, especially when it can be talked through, give the wife a fighting chance at least, if she makes no attempt to satisfy you then maybe you can consider such things, though I am completely against the idea of cheating, especially in marriage, tsk tsk!

Why must I need books to help me sort out the good apples from the bad?

Why can't men and women just be honest in relationships. I think the most important factor is honesty. Honesty lets you know where you stand and gives you a fair shot at making decisions for your future. When people lie in relationships that's when the pain escalates to another level,

Hope that wasn't too off topic. I just figured nobody would reply to this topic, unless some further questions were posted,

Concerning the OP;

Often it's a mixture of giving the guy too much benefit of doubt.
Nobody wants to be betrayed and lied to, though I understand that some women are aware that they shouldn't be in the relationship, but yet they continue, those women will hopefully learn their lessons, because sometimes you just have to let logic take control.

It is the idea from movies and hollywood, that love only comes once in a lifetime, or that there is ONE person made for you, so these women when they end up with 'bad guys' they hack it through, keep at it, though it's not good for them. These type of personality traits are what 'good men' look for in a wife, a woman who will try her best to make the relationship work, no matter what, even if it is falling apart. But often these women find themselves attracting these type of guys.

Only time can tell, what if you're relationship he does all these things, and you eventually believe that he is the real deal but then later on he begins to become lazy (past the honeymoon phase of the relationship) and his true colours begin to show, as I mentioned, ONLY TIME CAN AND WILL TELL,

I thought my ex loved me 2 and a half months into our relationship, then within a week he was ghost,

Another thing is people say they 'fall out of love' , I genuinely believe that's a nice way of saying, I finally snapped out of the coma I put myself in.

I believe we should focus less on testing men, and focus more on getting to know them one on one, knowing someone gives you the opportunity to avoid getting into something you know won't be good for you. By knowing the guy, you can rely less on his words, I mean he tells you he's a family guy yet he shouts his mum down on the phone, or hangs up on her when she gets on his nerves, or he says he'll give you anything, but insists you pay for diner often,

I can't comment on the physical side effects, as I actually don't have a clue.

But I know from stories from my male friends, that it can become addictive, and let's say you meet someone you truly love, and they can't keep up, the addiction can drive you to cheat. That's just a thought.

Yeah, if you think you ultimately want to be friends with your ex, then communicate with him, but don't expect to get back with him, this requires you to be over him.

This happened to me, my ex broke up with me and then he came over the day after to beg us to remain friends. He on the other hand didn't haven't a plan B girl (I don't think), he just couldn't hack the commitment issues of being with one girl.

Though he begged for me to be friends with him, I warned him it would not be quick, and that it would take time for me to trust him again, we joked a bit during the convo. Later that day a friend of mine told me he was already messing around with some girls and I got hurt, I ignored him for almost a month (though he messaged me), I finally messaged him back and he also gave me the silent treatment,

I mean now (2 months after the break up) I've messaged him, and he's messaged me but it's not flowing like a friendship should, I believe his ego got hurt, when I ignored him. I actually wanted to reply him, but I was advised that ignoring him would help me, and I'm starting to realise through his inability to even follow through with the friendship thing that he was NEVER worth it.

I believe you should do what your heart tells you to do for up to 2 weeks after the break up, then if no progress or no positive outcome, you should switch to using your logic, and force yourself to do what will help you in the long run.

In keeping with the OP, all I can say is that if my husband was terrible in bed, I'll teach him, not how to be good in bed exactly, but how to please me, there are so many ways to please a woman, hence why great sex is not the #1 reason why marriages last.

Anyway, how can a man be terrible in bed? Maybe his libido doesn't match yours or techniques are different, but seriously if a intimacy gadget can bring sexual pleasure to women, then a man can too.

I really don't see why people are making sex into an artform or something, it's one of the most natural things a human being can do, okay and if their 'not good' at it then I'm sure practice can improve.

The only time people can say someone is terrible in bed is when they've had other sexual partners so really the person might not be that bad, but he's just significantly worse than the other guy.

To the OP,

That is how it is supposed to be, family first before marriage and then immediate family after. Though I believe that as his fiance he should already be putting you first. I sincerely hope this guy is not using you. Who knows he may truly love you, but unless you come down hard on him and tell him what you need and want in the relationship he'll probably have the view that you are a simple minded easy to fool female who'll believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

The guy shouldn't be spending more time with his mother than you especially with your wedding coming up so close. The guy should be reassured that he'll have plenty of time even after the wedding to spend with his mother (as long as he puts you first of course).

I hope this guy is not messing around with you.

Try and look at it from this point of view; though you may love him a lot, you may be the one supporting the relationship, and if you relied on his love, it'd be almost meaningless and platonic, please do not focus on how much you love him (unless you are willing to compromise yourself greatly and do only as he says and wishes), try and assess whether the guy truly loves you, it's not enough for him to care about you and have 'feelings' for you, he has to love you and be mature enough to make the right decisions for both of your futures.

I'll pray for you, so that whatever happens, it'll be the best outcome for your future happiness.
Take care.

I have kept a diary ever since I was 8. It's fun to read how passionate I was about things that didn't even matter. I'd write about how my mum wouldn't let me dye my hair blonde or how my dad didn't let me out on a sleepover.

I just keep them because I suffer from a bad case of nostalgia over my childhood. I really like reminising about my past. Especially my love life, when I read about how I cried over my first serious crush or how I coped with the bullying, it makes me appreciate how far I've come in life and realise I am to be grateful for what I have now and that I'm much more stronger than that.

If my ex read my diary he would have only read stories about how I'm so grateful to God for bringing him to me, how I am so happy I found him, how he makes me so happy. Over time I've become used to writing only positive events so when I've had a wonderful day I document it.

Also there are more certainties in a good job, the pay you'll get, the future promotions you may be eligable for etc, but in a spouse, there are NO certainties, , the guy/girl could lose their job, one could have reproductive issues, one could get ill, pass away,

She/he could say I do, then the minute the ring is on the finger makes a U-turn on you.

Some extremely impressive responses, quite a lot of them have made me stop and think.

Finding a good wife and job is easy relative to what? What are we comparing it to? Finding a diamond on the road or eating a cake?

My opinion is that good wives may not be easy to find especially when in this day and age being a good girlfriend and a good wife are becoming two distant things. In a girlfriend, you may look for sex appeal, spontinaety, independence, outgoing, whilst in a wife you may look for humbleness, maturity, housekeeping skills,

I have always put more importance on becoming a good wife, though many of my fellow girlfriends find it hillarious, that I constantly trying to learn new recipes, that there are certain parts of my body that I won't flash for the camera, that I don't just jump into relationships even if the guy professes his love for me. Now though, I am humble, caring, loving , does that necessarily mean I would make a good potential wife? Ok, generally YES, but on a personality to compatiblity level maybe not.

I believe that at a certain age both men and women generally become good potential wives and husbands, this age we learn to become less obssessed with physcial things, and it's not that we lower our standards, we shift them elsewhere, to things such as potential.

I have now started looking for MEN who have the potential to be successful both religiously and career wise.


Between the two, I believe it is much easier to achieve a good job than a good wife, there are several good and great jobs out there. I think it is hard to find a job you want to be doing for the rest of your life, or a phenominal job, that you enjoy. A lot of people have good jobs but the job itself is not what they want to be doing.

This issue is very juicy - will stay tuned!

There's nothing wrong.

A lot of people have equated having a girlfriend to having a vessel to release 'their stuff' ,