₦airaland Forum

coogar:
that he's not doing it does not mean millions of men don't do it. he's educated, more exposed. he probably belongs to the top 10% of the exposed nigerian men.

what about the men in the remote areas, the stark illiterates, the semi-illiterates, etc who are completely ignorant about the rights of a woman?

I have uncles and aunties in the villages and I know most of thier dirty little secrets. NONE of the men force themselves on thier wives as a routine. The only uncle that tried that 'once' out of frustration told us about it and resorted to having a very willing side chic on the side since his wife continually refused to give it to him without a fight.

I asked thorpido cos I wanted real facts not social media sensationalism.

On to you then. Do you personally know anybody that as a routine forces himself on his wife?

thorpido:
I'll disagree on this one.Actually many men have the sex they want when they want and expect their wives to understand it's their rights as a husband.

If this were true there'd be fewer cases of cheating in marriage.
Most men will simply look for a willing woman outside instead of forcing their way on an unwilling wife.



Do you demand to have sex even when your wife disagrees an then go ahead to do it?

Did you dad do it? Your uncles? Brothers? Forget social media jazz and be honest now.

You know, sometimes it's more fun to just sit back and watch you guys tear each other apart.

**sits down, crosses legs, grabs a martini and a cigar and chuckles***

MarvellousGod:
How? .. Have I contradicted myself?

You expect me to say the article doesn't make sense? I don't understand y'all in this section..

Take it easy ma. I'm not among the mob fighting you
You spoke your mind and cos it didn't tally with the angry women's association opinion they went all out to attack you. Who knows your family better than yourself? But no, they won't listen to that. They would be much happier knowing every wife in nigeria is being beaten by her husband. It's nothing new on this section.


The funny thing is that if you ask all the married ones among them if their husband or even boyfriend have ever beaten them they will respond with a vehement NO! MY HUSBAND "SERENADES" ME DAILY.

MarvellousGod:
Did you read my comment at all?? .. I only talked about what happens in MY OWN family. .

Y'all are quoting me because I said no violence in my home, had it been the other way round, like saying yeah my dad beats my mum, my husband beats me et al nobody will doubt it or try to be negative about the comment.. And I didn't make the comment to present my family as all perfect and stuffs, so y'all quit quoting me biko...

Also, I made that comment without reading the write up, I read just the title.. but now, having read the article I think it actually makes sense, the writer has a good motive...

Meanwhile, onegai's analysis calls for concern. . 1 in every 3 marriages she knows has some form of violence. . Violence is really a cause for concern in Nigeria indeed..

Hehehe.
You finally bowed to pressure.

Onegai:
Thanks for this. I hope your sample data consisted of marriages you know well. I know of more cases of Spousal Abuse, but because it happened before my time, I was told only in passing and that was the only thing I ever heard of the marriage, chose to keep it out of my data.

I have to readjust my figures then.

In my secondary line of work I come across a lot of Marriages. I'm going to answer based on marriages in which I react with the couple on an almost daily basis.

Also, since some of these couples come to us with thier problems, I am more likely to see violence and my figures might be slightly biased.

Here we go:

No. of Marriages you are well-acquainted with (including several intimate details, not what you see on the surface or gist you heard): 17

(B) No of Marriages any form of Violence has been introduced (mild to moderate violence to severe): 4

(C) No. of Marriages which have ended in Severe Violence (leading to medical intervation, death or divorce): 0

(B+C) ratio A = (4+0) ratio 17 = 4/17= 1:4

Hope I got it right. My mathematics is a bit rusty.

Onegai:
Before this generates into a typical Nairaland screamfest, let us conduct our own LOGICAL SURVEY. No stories, just basic facts. And we all agree to ignore posters who come here to not answer the question but to troll and fight joblessly and attention-seek and bash and whatever floats una boats for Family Section . So, copy and past the exact questions below and fill in your own answers.

(A) No. of Marriages you are well-acquainted with (including several intimate details, not what you see on the surface or gist you heard):

(B) No of Marriages any form of Violence has been introduced (mild to moderate violence to severe):

(C) No. of Marriages which have ended in Severe Violence (leading to medical intervation, death or divorce):


(B+C) / A =

I'm no mathematician, this is just a baseline study of a swath of society. So, let's answer these questions, and please DO NOT ADD MORE THAN FIGURES,ANSWERS LIKE "TOO NUMBEROUS TO COUNT", "IT WAS SO-AND-SO'S FAULT" etc will NOT be considered in the final tabulation.

Interesting.
I heartily wish people would give honest answers to this.

You guys didn't get the point.
The mother feels her daughter is too young. She herself got married after 35yrs and feels her daughter cannot get married before her.


I think the girl is too young as well. Marriage ain't for kids esp in this day and age. Let him look for someone else.

.

27 and 30 are the same...

Life is too short to waste it reading something this long!

bukatyne:
What about the non kissers?

They don't know what they r missing

They are having females because... Em.... Em...

ireneidiva:
I agree please.

Ireneidiva be like:

Luckygurl:
Now why will a mother do that?

Like I said, to prevent her from getting pregnant. Maybe she became wayward during that period and the mother didn't want to take any chances.

Once heard of a lady who had this problem. Turns out her mother put a coil in her to prevent pregnancy when she was a teenager and it got lost in there and everyone forgot about it. An ultrasound scan revealed the blighter. A simple surgery and she was free.


See a doc.

Two things:

Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID)

Or

Vaginismus.

Ignorance is no longer bliss but a disease. Something she would have cured since.


Take her to see a doctor.

jummiedel:
You've really being of great help to me and i sncerely appreciate u. Im not working presently but im seriously applying for work cos of his attitues. I used to be an ambitious and intelligent girl but hes watering it down. I gave up everything just to be with him. He has a very good job but the downgrade hes giving me is just too much. My self esteem is getting too low despite the fact that im a university degree and have some other professional qualifications. He has assured me that he will get me a very good job after our marriage but thereafter, he asked me to open shop which i refused completely because his kind of person can close the shop on me anytime hes angry. and also, business is not my thing. I really wish i could contribute financially to the family too.

Thanks for the compliment.
Few things are more irritable in marriage than a jobless wife, especially in this day and age. You have to ask your husband for everything; lipstick, panties, recharge card etc. This can be quite annoying no matter how financially buoyant the man is. And yes, it makes it easier for him to look down on you.

Get the job. Start contributing to the relationship financially. Don't bother going into buisness if you are not the buisness type, businesses are hard to sustain even for seasoned entrepreneurs.

germainediva:
The lady in question neither has bad breath nor mouth odor...............hubby said he never liked kissing but was just doing it accassionally then to please her but that he can't do it anymore

It will be interesting to know how these two got married and the circumstances in which it happened.

There are kissers and there are non kissers.

A kiss is a very sensitive part of a relationship. It shows involvement, commitment, it's a signature of personality between two people. That's why prostitutes usually do not want to be kissed while doing the deed as it makes the buisness personal (this I learnt from heresay oh and the movie "pretty woman" ).

If her husband is no longer kissing her as much as he used to then it's either the lady has bad breath or bad teeth, or he no longer loves her. Or it could be that the passion in the marriage has died down.

It is a serious matter. When last did they have sex?

ireneidiva:
Hell no!

Hehehe
Don't worry, when you begin kissing you'll love it.

ireneidiva:
Disgusting

Why?
I think it's a very good idea.
Haven't you exchanged sweets with a kiss before?

He is an assistant pastor. Why not report his silent behavior to a higher authority? Pls note I am not saying you should mention anything about his flirty text message (That wouldn't be a good idea), however complain to the senior pastor how he refuses to talk issues out with you and how it hurts you on the inside. You can use another example (not the flirty texts) to buttress your point.

jummiedel:
Well i do enjoy sex with him and i show it. Our marriage is close to 2yrs with a 6months old baby. The baby is the only person keeping me in dat marriage cos i dont know for how long i will live with the immature and inhuman behaviour. Well, i intend to send him a text message about how much i hate him now so that he will know much words hurt and that everyone has a beast in them, we only control it.

Ah, a young marriage.
It's always like that,its like a rumpled bedsheet that needs to be straightened out.

Also this is your first baby so there's a lot of readjusting going on in the family dynamics right now i.e husband having to share attention with baby, having to assist you in some household chores (if you don't have a nanny), the stress on you with having to take care of baby, added financial expenses etc.
Both of you are stressed. He would have missed some of that TLC that comes with being a single young couple.

I wonder if both of you are working, and if your jobs are stressful?


You seem to be the mature partner at this point in time. I assure you that this emotional stress you are going through is quite common with new marriages, the doubts, the fears, the sleepless nights and the general worry if either of you took the right step in engaging in marriage to each other.

Be patient. It will pass. And you both will come out stronger for it.

I won't say you shouldn't send the hate text because I honestly think you need to let him know how you feel. He is the man of the house and ought to know the effect that his behaviour is having on the marriage.

I however think you should compose it in such a way that you don't say something you can never take back. Express your anger but choose your words carefully.

jummiedel:
We do have sex alot and i know he always enjoy it. I've also talked to him several times about the havoc the communication with the ex could cause our marriage and it always end up with him keeping malice with me. I just decided not to beg him ds time cos i dont know long we wont be telling each other the truth. I just told him few days ago that the malice hes keeping with me is making me a stronger woman since i have no friend to talk to.

What about you?
Do you enjoy sex with him?
A lot of women don't realise that we men are more sensitive than they think. If you show by your body language that you are "just managing" him, he will deifinetly find out. He may not say it, but he might feel he is not doing right by you and hence might begin to nurse grudges, feeling like his ex might have responded to him better. Crazy, I know but some guys are like that. If you dont enjoy sex with him you should pick a very casual day to jokingly tell him what you would like him to do to you during intercourse.

How old is your marriage?

If less than five years then he is probably in the withdrawal phase from his ex. In this phase the slightest difficulty in your marriage makes him compare his relationship with his ex and wish he was still with her. This is usually cured when the ex gets married or tells him off outright. Be patient, it will pass or at least reduce a lot after a while.

Him not talking to you for long periods is exeedingly immature of him. he was the one caught having an illicit chat afterall. Try and follow the steps I mentioned earlier, hopefully he will break his silence.

lilspiceyy:
This guy needs help! Seriously? And u call me little.....ROTFL have u seen me? .Anyway, there will be no need to meet physically just end dis conversation am done wit u.

Yes i've seen you. Skinny little teenager. Abi na lie?

You shouldn't have been looking through his phone. See the emotional stress you are in now.

He doesn't mean the "regret not marrying her" thing. It's an old line used to get into the ex's pants.

However it seems he is gearing up to have an extramarital affair.

So what do you do?
1. Pray. Yes. You need some divine favour in this matter.

2. Find time to confront him again and discuss this issue. He was flirting, let him know quite plainly that that was wrong. Ask him how he would feel if you started seeing old boyfriends. Tell him you are committed to making this marriage work but if he doesn't want he should let you know. That will shake him. No assistant pastor wants his marriage to break up, not really.

3. Keep teasing him about the ex. Ask if you can talk to her. Anytime he answers a call in secret ask him jokingly if it's his ex. An affair isn't as sweet if it's no longer a secret.

4. How often do you guys have sex? Men are deeply wired to respond to sex and if you have been depriving him by being always tired or saying stewpid things like "hurry up na" during sex or making him have to beg for it etc then you may have to review such behaviour. Give him the sex. Initiate it once in a while. Increase the frequency.


All these should help. About him not speaking to you for a month, he might be an obstinate fellow... Or its possible he is just ashamed and doesn't know how to apologise.

All the best.

germainediva:
please no causing,if your mind cannot comprehend fully the question am about to ask just pass.....this is not the time for sermon....just give your honest opinion.......so this lady(Joan) wants a party with hubby and another married lady friend....infact its always been her fantasy....this her married friend(kate) has also agreed and its very obvious Joan's hubby likes kate very much and has said so himself...... according to him she's well endowed.......my question;how will she approach her hubby with the idea..... And she hopes its something they can do occasionally......cos its something she enjoyed a lot while she was still single ....and wasn't able to explore it with hubby cos they married within 2months of their meeting......they've been married for three years with a kid.

Having a menage-a-trois or thre3some has always been in the fantasy halls of many a couple. However because of religious and moral upbringing and the societal sacredness of sex, it is usually a clumsy affair to get into.

The good news however is that it can be achieved if done delicately.

You are lucky in this case as your friend is already willing to experiment with u and most likely your husband is not going to put up much of a resistance. Men rarely do. It's women that are the tough nuts to crack.

What to do:

1. Make sure your friend is really down for it and wasn't pulling your leg. It would be embarrassing for you to invite your friend only for her to tell you she was joking. Ask her what she thinks about getting down with hubby. Use plain words. If she agrees then half of your problem is solved.

2. Plan a nice dinner with your husband, yourself and Kate. Kate and you already know how the dinner will end but your husband doesn't but it's ok. He'll most likely go along when he realises what is happening.

3. For you to wan to engage in a threes0me you must have some bisexual tendencies. This will come in handy doing dinner. Make sure dinner involves a little alcohol to loosen up hubby a little. After dinner, start a naughty "truth or dare" game. Make sure it involves taking off clothes or daring to kiss anybody. When Kate pulls the slip that tells her to kiss your husband make sure you show no signs of jealousy. Laugh it off and encourage him to kiss her well. You can stop them to show how you and your husband kiss, then let her have another go at kissing him.

4. Things will usually kick off from here but sometimes the husband will back of and be like "is this a joke/test?" or "are you OK with what is happening?" it is at this point you tell him you have always fantasized all three if you having sex. Take the lead and kiss Kate and then give him permission to kiss and explore her as well.


The rest is left to your imagination.

Gaborone:
Meaning, you- women-beaters- are perfect beings who have never provoked anyone. Talk about the quintessense of perfection

You must have been made from a different kind of dust. Men who don't beat women have a lot to learn from you.

Thank you.

SAMBARRY:
This one never sleep for cell for one week and made to sign a no violence pact with government /human rights agents



go and ask your fellow women beaters that just spent the weekend in cell and ask them how they enjoyed the cell with men thrice stronger than them


after then come back and rant

Notice the way I said I would "discipline" her. What would be her complaint to the authorities?

Gaborone:
Do you -women-beaters- hit MObile POLice Officers when they provoke you? When they ask you to roll in the gutter with your suit, do you punch them?

Why not man up and flex your muscles man to man when faced with a depressed red-eyed trigger happy Uniformed man?. No, all your energy is reserved for beating up a woman half your size. That's so manly, it gives me the shivers.

We - women beaters- don't go about provoking people bigger and stronger than us. It's simple survival instinct. But women won't hear and will continue chopping highly avoidable slaps in the name of "nothing can make a man hit me".