₦airaland Forum

Purehuman:
This verse reminds of my childhood. Seriously, I missed those old days. There was this sweetness in being young and godly. As I read through this hymn, I just pictured where I used to sit in church and the people around me at the time.

Things have changed and life is moving so fast that we don't get to fully enjoy the moment.

I think that sweetness is more from lack of responsibilities and naivity.

I also remember the joy and fun then.... I am interesting remembering my parents too and I am realizing that it wasn't same for them and other parents.

While the kids could gather and discuss favorite bible character or what we learnt or planned elaborately for our Children's day and other church activities, our parents mostly discussed fees, businesses and how to raise money cûm create time from their busy schedule to sustain our interests.

@OP:

I love hymns so can't have a favorite.

donstan18:
What makes you think a fidelity conscious man will go for an unattractive man to marry?

I probably wasn't clear.

I was saying that the homely I meant was domesticated and not unattractive.

A fidelity conscious man would marry a woman who can hold his attention obviously.

donstan18:
What's your definition of HOMELY?, if you don't mind ma'am

Domesticated.

Not unattractive.

Good one

donstan18:
No!

I'm simply implying that most ladies don't go for men with those qualities but for men that are rich.

I get you. It is the same way men go for homely and domesticated women.

natasha:
Oga when u want advise be honest with the facts
- Yes u met her and u are wealthy
- you are a violent and possesive man....hence u ensured she spent every weekend at urs by providing flight tickets so she wont say theres no money 2 visit.
- you continued ur monitoring when she married u by tailgatting her every move.
- FYI there's nothing wrong with an elective CS. She won't be the 1st or last woman to opt for it.
- She LEFT despite the luxurious life u afforded her because PEACE of mind and her life is more precious than marriage to you thats attached with violent conditions.
-Just because you are no longer mareied doesnt diminished ur parental responsibilities.....You are still responsible for the upkeep of ur children wherever they may be....so her reporting you to agencies 2 remind and enforce ur responsibilities is correct.

But if u want a pity parry, then what you wrote up there is perfect, Sir Lancelot, Prince Charming and Knight in shinning armour

I don't agree with you.

I know the OP is might not be telling the whole story however, nothing here indicates possesiveness.

And the lifestyle she has chosen is not the peace seeking one.

@OP:

Great,

The man has defined himself. It is left for his Wife to be to act on it or not.

donsimo:
Rubbish, that's the definition of a slave.

Lol!

You have it or you don't.

donstan18:
Good!

How many ladies do marry such kind of men when they are broke?

Be honest, how many?

How many rich men are in Nigeria?

Are you implying that the man described above cannot be rich?

Amazinpeace:
a real man is well mannered, patient, confident, honest, dependable, respectful, caring, compassionate, polite, humble, apologetic, loving, loves and respect women and never raises his hands on a woman.

I am not into the 'real man' stuff but I like this guy. I read some of his articles on live wire.

YACAA:
Dearest OP,
Thank you for sharing. This topic really touched my heart. I would like to add my personal view on it too.

My husband and I are from two distinct socio-economic backgrounds with regards to culture (different countries), societal class, family economical power, and exposure (mind you, these are all factors that are man-made hence can be overcome and redefined). They can however pose a great challenge, but if approached well, also provide a learning platform for success.

I always find myself pondering on an unknown quote that says "We see the world as we are and not as it really is”. Could this really be true It seems that our different perspectives of life are shaped by our background, experiences, and innate belief systems. This has therefore made me come to appreciate the following:
-That there is never one universal ‘truth'; everybody’s ‘truth' is valid and has to be acknowledged.
-The same things that we may be willing to accept from our side of the family can get us so defensive when it is coming from our in-laws (this applies to both men and women).
-It is much easier to accept another’s actions when you come to know the reasons behind the action; it does not mean you agree to it, but at least you get to learn more about why your partner does what he/she does, why in-laws behave the way they do etc. and this helps in the way you react to things.
-Choosing to see things from positive perspectives until proven otherwise helps you to build stronger and wiser relationships with people.


WISDOM WISDOM WISDOM
This is key; knowledge without wisdom is fruitless.
Playing the angel’s advocate, let me use the example of your in-laws wanting to pay for your children's education.

In-laws point of view
They are coming from a place of love.
They want their children (including spouses) and grandchildren to have a better life than they did right from the get go; they would not want to watch them suffer (in their perspective).
They want to help reduce the burden on their children (including spouses) in whatever way they can with whatever means they have.
In their opinion, the best way they can provide support to reduce the burden of their daughter, her husband, and their entire household is to help out with the children’s school fees that way you and your wife can focus on other financial responsibilities (in their opinion, that might be better than the day to day responsibilities etc.).

NB: It could have been your parents doing same for your family.

Wife's point of view
She is coming from a place of love.
She wants the best for the kids.
She has been used to some level of comfort and window of opportunities that she wants her kids to enjoy; and even much more.
She trusts her parents, knowing that they are coming from a place of love, and embraces their support hence does not see the big deal in allowing them to help out.
She believes your children will have a better footage at a brighter future with the kind of education her parents can afford for them.
She believes that your desire to provide for your family should not stop close family from supporting whenever they can.

Your point of view
You are coming from a place of love
You want the best for the kids
The childrens education is something you would like to take care of solely without relying on your inlaws because it gives you a sense of fulfilment as regards being responsible to your family.
You have concerns about how subsequent fees will be paid if your in-laws pass away; also, how do you afford the other financial obligations associated with being in that school example school trips, buying props for school functions, needs of children based on what they see other kids having etc
Your in-laws paying for the childrens education may open up a window for them to make too many key decisions regarding your children’s future
You do not want to be in a position where your in-laws do not respect you as the head of your family.

In this case, you all have valid ‘truths’ (concerns), which are coming from a good place; the question is how to get this across to the other parties in love and understanding, whilst avoiding bruised egos, misunderstandings, unmet emotional needs etc. thus leading to unending conflict. This is where wisdom comes in.

ROLE OF WISDOM
[b]
In-laws[/b]
-They would have told their daughter how they want to support you both and asked her to discuss it with you for both of you to finally decide if it is a good idea or not; they could also have called you both to explain what they want to do and tell you guys to go and think about it and decide, emphasising that they would respect any decision you make (this is a way of teaching their daughter a key principle of marriage, which is that a man and wife should always come together to make decisions for the family; this also helps to build love and respect between you all and foster confidence in your ability to make sound decisions for your family)

Your wife
Your wife would then discuss what her parents suggested and ask you what you thought about it giving way for an open discourse where each person’s view is understood properly and a final decision taken. That way decisions are not made without your input and imposed on you (nobody likes that be it husband or wife).

You
You give your in-laws the benefit of the doubt, knowing that they are in a position to help hence want to do so in love in order to lessen the burden on you and your wife in providing for your family (they may or may not be looking down on you, but their approach may have been offensive); you therefore receive the suggestion with an open heart and gently have a discussion with your wife concerning it, laying out all your concerns and listening to hers as well; finally a compromise is made with a final decision.

The compromise could be:
1. Grandparents pay for the kids education with all parties agreeing on which school is best from the choices grandparents suggested.
2. Grandparents do not need to help out with financing the kids education; let them continue to go to a school you can afford; however it will be greatly appreciated if grandparents buy educational resources or finance extra-educational curricular activities for the kids example the summer school, educational trips, music classes, soccer camps etc
At the end it is a win win situation, and the kids ultimately benefit since everybody’s concern is their welfare.

This is just the way I have learned to do things in order to promote love, respect, trust, unity, and tolerance in my marriage. It might not work for all, of course, but I am sure there are a few things one can pick out, just as I have done from your write up and the numerous responses on the thread.

Wishing you and others the very best in marital and other relationships.

You are wise my sister.

This thread reinforces my stance.

Let water seek their own level.

And ladies from wealthy homes marry their kind so they don't work on egg shells all their lives.

Interestingly, fellow rich families really do not have these hangups.

This thread is also very funny...

In a traditional marriage, everyone has their duties. If your family will deride subtly or openly a wife who can't cook, keep house or have kids, why do you expectany less from her family when you can't provide?

Y'all want to eat your cake and have it.

Learn from the whites..... the ones interested in traditional marriages already understand that they must provide well for their families and don't sit down debating the importance of money.

Even ask yourself.... 'apart from the money, what other value am I bringing to the table'?

Another irony of this thread is that the peeps saying 'don't marry a woman from a wealthy home' are hustling to be rich and pray to have daughters.

The average Nigerian Man is an enigma.

Tozara:
So, what is your own definition of being close-minded, to, say, homosexuality? What does it mean? It's implications in the real world?

It means you stand firm (or state) for what you believe.

E.g.: instead of 'let everyone do as they like' view, I clearly state that I am anti-gay. If I happen to meet with a gay person, I condemn the 'act' without condemning the person.

That's why general preaching is usually stronger than personalized ones.

crackhaus:
Hi Bukatyne,

Do you have access to your mail?

Yes

Lirqur:
Bukatyne What's up you seem to have tone down your feminism chants Did you figure it was one of the devils trick?

I am a lady of many parts with a balance.

I do not chant about anything, instead discuss/pick things as they interest me.

I am sure I have more threads on marriage, lifr and religion than feminism.

Jethrolite:
That na big lie. It is only at yoruba parties I have seen food and felt like I was going to die. It was at a Yoruba party I was given a menu and served as if I was dinning in an hotel-OK it was actually an hotel. It was a Yoruba party I ate 7 course meal including oriental and was given full grilled fish on my way out, just to make sure I didn't have to worry about food even when I got home that day.

Yorubas organise the best and well organised parties in Nigeria and I am deltan because the default mentality is to think I'm yoruba.

100% on point.

And I am yoruba.

No matter how poor they are, they prepare for all their guests.

crackhaus:
She may or may not be cheating, you can't be sure of that.
What is certain is that it means nothing to her to make use of your photo on her dp, and she certainly doesn't care how that makes you feel.

Either way, there is fire on the mountain.

Look for someone you trust enough to shadow her movements and report to you if it really means that much to you.
Remember she's not your wife yet, you still have time to rethink.

@bold: Absolutely on point.

mrsmith11:
I don't have the energy to ask anyone to monitor her instead am walking away from the affair

And your son?

mrsmith11:
Visited twice. It was my 1st visit she took in

Sharp shooter

sweetilicious:
Exactly.My sister earns alot as a manager,the hubby earns too as a doctor.They had no car after their marriage. In short,they had no better property.The husband started with things he used from university and was working in a private hospital.My sister was a graduate trainee before they got married.I could remember how we used to enter keke all the time.Within a spec of 1yr,they got a car.My sister wasn't dragging the car as a contributor.The husband takes her to work and sometimes brings her back.They lived happily and managed that car for 4yrs till it started wearing out.They got another one for occasional programmes. They built a mansion within 5ys of marriage.I have never seen my sister disregard her husband nor become pompous of her contributions.The man is the head and she is happy to submit totally.I won't dispute the fact that her hubby is extremely family conscious.He is involved totally.But i prefer to be loved and catered for than struggling the headship of the home.This op didn't even make sense to me.

While your post is interesting, I honestly want to believe that you did not understand the OP.

She said a woman who contributes in a home where only the husband makes financial decisions without her input is a doormat.

Do some women like to be doormats?

Maybe.

Besides, how does a couple pulling resources together to build up their home equals the husband making all the financial decisions?

cococandy:
So you people want her to make money but you get to decide how it’s spent? Is that what will make her a good woman?

I read some things here in amazement.

poseidon12:
Yep, the lady is right. Husband and wife should jointly make financial decisions in the house, especially if they both contribute financially.

I was desperately looking for a post of reason.

Are people just daft or do they lack understanding?

Is it normal for one person to make decisions on the resources of 2 people?

Anyways, they are the masters of dishing out what they can't take.

Leonbonapart:
Home breakers on the beat.... I bet you that babe is single and wants other ladies to join her in her forever singleness

She is NOT a home breaker according to her posts.

If a husband decides on the funds both of them make ALONE, then it is a dysfunctional marriage.

Do unto others as you want them to do unto you.

O gawd!

What a waste.

Nice thread.

RoyalBlak007:
Congratulating a bride on her marriage
It’s unexpected, but according to etiquette rules, only a man can be congratulated on marriage. You can only wish happiness to a woman — nothing more. The reason is very romantic: a man “conquered” a woman and married her, so he is the only one who deserves to be congratulated.

Afterall, even the Bible praises a man for a good wife, never saw where a woman was congratulated for it.

Why women are the ones more eager/ready never cease to baffle me.

SweetyMarvel00:
Why should you fear me...

Active Dodger!

I hail o!

Double punishment if guilty

For abuse and for hoodwinking the public.

desreek9:
Oya freeze counter what he said face to face now, not on social media where ur power and backbone is

See the way he's smiling and laughing sheepishly like a sissy that he is

An average person will be harsher when addressing a general issue than when it becomes personal.

You don't expect Freeze to call D'banj a sheeple to his face and at OmoT's party.

A pastor will condemn all unbelievers to hell from his pulpit yet will lovingly preach to a sinner about the Love and Salvation of Christ during personal evangelism.

thorpido:
You didn't say anything about how you have tried to resolve the conflict.

He didn't even say what the conflict was about.

At OP, let her do what she will.

Another one bites the dust.

Another likely monster is born.