₦airaland Forum

MsGlobalwonder:
loool. You are getting emotional here. I see three things here: the act, the location and the timing.
The Act: i'll try to be as disinterested as possible, leaving my values and beliefs aside. She is dating and perhaps having sex with someone. Technically she is fornicating and not adultery. Everyone have sex. Sex is banal now. She is not cheating on anyone even if she decides it party or some crazy orgies she wants! No one has any right to question anyone's morality even if the person feels pious.

The timing:death terminates every contracts and agreements between a husband and a wife culturally and even in most religion. Widow(er) decides the duration of mourning mostly due to the impact their late spouse have in their life. Some (even men) decide not to marry again because of the kind of bond they shared and they are so sure their late spouse is irreplaceable. Good. Great. Commendable.... But it should not be a yardstick for others. So for someone that waited 6months and now dating someone (or maybe some people) ,there is absolutely nothing wrong with that; that's if we are not sentimental and all emotional about it!
Location: most people are saying it should not he in her matrimonial home. I say what does it matter? It's also her home!! It's also her bed! Eni to ti ku ti ku! The dead can't lay on the bed, only the living can. The children should mind their business. If they are adults, and are not comfortable with the reality and goings-on; they can get their own apartment. It's not like u caught them having sex in the living room. You barged into her private room. You have no right whatsoever to chastise your mum! She is in her house! The house her and her late husband owned! If they are underage, they should learn manners not to barge into someone's room. Face their studies and their lives as their darling mum is facing hers.

Thank you

xtervaganza:
you mean just 6 months later it's ok to bring a man to her late husband's house?



You people are demons

Marriage contract is till death do them part.

Once a partner is dead, the living party is as free as a bird to do as them deem fit.

cococandy:
Poor woman.
They want to give her hypertension

I would never have tried this sha. My mother would have beaten me black blue before I say it is a prank

Common 'this skirt is nice (slightly above the knees)' translates to 'you want to walk about naked abi'?

God bless our parents

LewsTherin:
My folks took care of and trained so many of our relatives. There was a time we were 22 living in a 4 bedroom duplex even though my parents had just 4 of us. Uncles, aunts, cousins, helps... I mean it could be mad house there.

With so many people to take care of in the depth of Babangida's SAP, it was little wonder my folks spent most of their lives hustling to provide for us all. Ergo, I have precious little personal relations with my parents. It's almost business like now.

So what's the situation today? I live with my Lady and kid ONLY. No help, no family. My hospitality expires in 2 weeks max and that's for my mother in-law only. Everyone else has 3 days to move. I'm not gonna put my kid thru the same kinda situation I grew up in. Neither am I going to let anyone use their makossa to spoil my husband - and- wife blues

Why do I think the bolded is the major reason

@Bellong:

Happy Birthday and Wedding Anniversary to you and wifey.

God bless your home.

MzNelly:
Fear God.

I am serious.

Some ladies too know they are churchy yet would leave brother Kola to date Don Tunde and start complaining that he is not 'spiritual'

@Orimili:

I do not think you being a virgin in itself is a 'weakness...' I see sleek virgins get married. Even the so called 'horses' were once virgins. It is your ability and openness to learn that matters and there are very good practical books for the subject in marriage.

If you have succeeded to keep your chastity for the past 30yrs then brother, you can keep yourself till your wedding night.

I think you are too conscious of what society /people say instead of defining your own path. e.g.

1. A lady will think you cannot lead if you ask her to choose a venue for a date
2. Grooming schools make a man 'soft'

etc. etc.

First define your own style and learn to pick a date from ladies of similar interests.

I am 100% sure there are some ladies who would appreciate a virgin husband.

Orimili:
Most of the time, we would go out somewhere. I'm a full time student, and work at night while building a large savings. I don't have much of a night life, nor am I too worldly, so I am unsure of where to go or what to do in the rare instance that I have a night off.

On top of all that, it seems like most girls just want someone who is experienced in every aspect of life. I worry that I have nothing to offer in such a modern world.

Or maybe you are looking for women in the modern world ignoring the girls in your 'ancient' world.

MzNelly:
Oh puh-lease, NO girl would tell you you're a bore. No girl.
It doesn't work that way.
.

Sure this is not from African Magic?

If men claim women call them indomine man etc. what is so hard in calling him a bore?

cococandy:
So she was the abusive person in the relationship to start with.
Are you asking if what he did in retaliation counts as abuse.
Technically it is 'self defense' I guess. although it doesn't meet the total requirements to be defined as such because it was pre planned. But her own violent attitude beget that.

It does have the potential to become abuse if he begins to see violence as a way of solving any disputes between them.

Also, I think it depends on how it was handled.

If a young husband for example slaps his wife during an heated argument (he never did during courtship), the wife's reaction might determine the next stage of the marriage.

Like a story a family friend told me (his story): When he just got married, he slapped his wife in an heated argument. The wife reported to his uncle who slapped him back and corrected him. Since then, it never happened again. (Their marriage is almost 40yrs old.)

CC: youngice

tearoses:
Its very complex
Some people can actually see the mistakes and dont want to go down the same route their parents went
and some people just carry on doing the same things they saw their parents doing . . . BAU

Probably the mindset and expectations then was different too for all parties.
My discussions have moved on from domestic violence now and I am just talking in general

I think you misunderstood my first post

True

Some people even have parents in good marriages and still make terrible partners.

Infact, when a child is around 18, the parents should start letting them into how tings really work.

That daddy always agree with mummy doesn't mean they haven't discussed behind the scenes or the fact mummy always wants to make daddy happy doesn't mean daddy doesn't reciprocate.

I sometimes notice that children who do not know how their parents' marriages work make selfish partners....

My mummy always does this for my father; my father always does this for my mother. They somehow never see the effort and sacrifice the same sex parent puts into the union.

tearoses:
. . . its absolutely not possible to be rigid on this one because there is no way there wont be any crossover of roles because that goes against the objectives of marriage which is of being supportive and helpful to one another.

If you say you wont help financially and he wont do any chores at all, then that marriage is on a long thing.

What happens if he looses his job? Will she watch the family starve to death even though she has a wage coming in every month?
What happens if she is newly delivered of a baby or she is ill and he is hungry. Will she still be expected to go to the kitchen and fix something up for him?

Personally I think its even easier to drop money than it is to do housework when you are tired or ill.

I wouldn't advise anyone to go down that absolute role route as they may not be able to sustain it 24/7

There is a good feeling about helping someone to carry some of the burden, just as it is when someone helps with some of the burden too.

All the good marriages I have seen have been based on flexibility as one of the fundamentals.

Trust me, a number of couples are very rigid. I know someone who cooks when she is ill.... and the husband has to replace the money of every thing she buys...

I know someone expected to pound yam the night she put to bed; I know another one that calls her hubby the gas has finished and oga decides what he wants... rush home to buy gas or buy take away.

I am not saying a couple should be 'rigid' (my stance is known here), however we have to understand the root of the matter.

@Bold, I agree with you. It should not even be a burden sef, each person do what they will to make their home run smoothly.

bellong:
[size=2pt]I believe she is a "She"... Going by her contribution in defending females in STEM (your thread)...

I like the fact that she doesn't result to insults as common for people during defense of opinions[/size]

[size=2pt]True

Mindfulness, we are gossiping about you right in front of you [/size]

OLAADEGBU:
I guess they just close their eyes and grit their teeth.

Rolls eyes*

Hmmmmmmmm

So is the button still there? Are you still cleaning? Or did you suspend everything to ask Nairaland?

shozillo:
With the Advent of Civilization and Western Education which gives equal rights to both the Man and the Woman.

Its common knowledge and Pratice that both the man and the wife Work to support the Fanancial needs of the home.

Men,if your wife #Contribute 50% of the Fanancial Needs of the home...U should both Share 50% of the Household
chores/activities in the Home.

Men,Do U Understand?
Women,Do U agree?

I do not agree with 50% responsibilities because I do not know how the couple would achieve 50% sharing formula.

However, I understand what you are implying and I will say both of them should pool their resources together to ensure their home runs smoothly.

Beautiful

God continually bless their home

bellong:
[size=3pt]Nah... She was accused of being Carefreewannabe... And this is not Ileoba's writing style.[/size]

[size=2pt]She sounds like a Christian and references the Bible. Can't remember Ileoba doing that.

It is all good

I e-like her/him [/size]

MayorBusky:
I know of a woman who works but she never helps with anything in the family. The husband still pays for the house rent, school fees, nepa bill, clothing for the children and even herself.
later, my guy realized the wife was busy sending her money to her family. so he took this decision.
"You should never, not even on your death bed remove a penny from your salary without my consent. after six months, u will account for me how much u have earned!'
What do you think?

What ended it?

tearoses:
Thank you!
. . .and like I always say, marry a half decent person and many of these "dilemmas" wont even be an issue because answers will come naturally.
You share bodily fluids with someone and share offspring but cant share money
But you can give your money towards donation to pastors trip abroad!
Or for aso ebi for your colleagues 10 year death of his mother anniversary party
Something is wrong somewhere
My family comes first before anything and anybody

I do not think the major reason women are reluctant to drop their paycheck is because they married an indecent person...

It is because in their marriage there are roles which they have rigidly set i.e. man = provider and wife = housekeeper.

In our society, the headship of a husband is also tied up to finance so he is expected to step up and be a man.

Ask these guys talking here how many of them will help with chores.

Mindfulness:
[size=3pt]Now this is a new one. Thank you very much. [/size]

You are welcome

Mindfulness:
[size=3pt]I am not sure why. I liked your last comment on this thread pretty much. [/size]

[size=2pt]Thanks. Maybe because you are ileobatojo

Anyways, welcome to Nairaland [/size]

Mindfulness:
[size=3pt]non-existent. [/size]

[size=2pt]Why don't I believe you [/size]

Mindfulness:
Let us talk about it. If an individual decides to commit to another because the other is, for example, good-looking and rich and gentle, what happens when these attributes change? The reasons to commit are absent and with them the motivation and the basis for commitment. Is that not so?

That's why commitment in marriage should be based on intangibles and your vows.

If as per your example, the guy is no longer rich, good-looking and gentle? Can the wife explore the reasons why the guy became so?

Mindfulness:
The fact that this particular comment resonates with you, says a lot about you. It is a very good sign. Let it serve you.

[size=3pt]What is your former moniker?[/size]

@OP:

You have serious issues underneath you need to deal with.

It is no concern of mine that you sleep with a married man; that's both of yous palaver.

What I find strange is that you will divorce a husband of 2mths because a married lover of four years and married for 23yrs said so. Same man who is yet to file for his own divorce.

Where are your parents or elders in your family?

I think you desperately need their counsel.

SirWere:
Gender violence is bad but some women sef..
Last week, our neighbours were fighting. Now, the man was an introvert, rarely speaks, always calm while the wife was a confirmed wildcat. Now, the man was trying to leave but the wife was blocking his way. Everybody saw that the man was visibly fighting for calm but the woman kept blocking him, while shouting. Finally, as the man saw the exit, the woman grabbed his arm and he turned round and slapped her! Everybody there was shocked because this was not the first time they fought like this. Now, the women kept holding his arm and saying "you will kill me today". The man however removed her arm and left the place and would you believe it, the WOMEN there were the ones saying she ought to be beaten!!!

The fact 10 monikers here speak against violence in marriage does not mean that 100,000 women outside doesn't support it.

That aside, you said the couple were fighting... end of.

Like I say, a violent/fight-filled marriage is different from an abusive one.

If I lock my husband's shirt or block his way or throw the first punch, I cannot cry wolf except I want to edit my story.

SirWere:
Another case I witnessed was when I went to visit my uncle. Now, one day, we went to his office together (hello, free WIFI) and when we met heavy traffic when he was coming home and finally we got home around 9:30pm. Now, when my uncle asked for food, she said "he will have to eat from where he is coming from". Now, my uncle was just looking at her when she said "What will you do?" in that insolent way. My uncle found his cool and just walked away; a trait I admire cause I would have beaten the hell out of her.

What were you expecting your Uncle to do? Slap her? Did he call that he was stuck in traffic or he thought he could just waltz in at any time without an explanation?

Do you also know if your uncle has cheated in the past and she was referring to that?

The what will you do sounds like he has beaten her on previous occasions and your uncle was just behaving because of you.

SirWere:
@Op, there are many cases when the man wants to walk away but then the woman keeps goading him- and then cries foul when he hits her.....
Speaking from Observation

True.

There are also women would not respect men they perceive as nice or gentle and need the hard knocks to keep them in line always.

However, this tread is not about them.

If a woman/man complains of abuse and they are not just basking in victimhood (I have noticed some people like the attention victimhood brings), then we have to dig deeper.

johnson232:
U can't totally take perseverance, endurance, tolerance and patience from any fruitful marriage, likewise anything good. My mum once exercised these qualities and today she is reaping the benefit.

The bolded will hit home when you examples of men enduring such

Going through this thread makes me wonder what kind of training they received from their parents' marriage and the fate of the unfortunate young women who would marry them.

Kgdavid:
lol...oh ok well if divorce is an option then I get where you might be coming from

What makes divorce NOT an option?

Christianity and Islam supports divorce in the event of adultery, not so?

What advise would you give the husband of a cheating wife?

lezz:
How do measure when a partner strays? Since one can have emotional affair or physical ones. Inside marriage, emotional affairs are often more dangerous than physical ones.

How can you drag marriage to a mere contract? It is a convenant of the highest order. The Catholic church deems it a Sacrament. It is a union of life, spirit, soul and body.



Too much 21st century _sex has cheapen the institution of marriage.

Pastor,

What do you advise the husband of a cheating wife?