₦airaland Forum

MadCow1:
When the Pastor asked me what would make me leave my Marriage; I simply said the day she stops loving me.

#Period..

LOL!

God help us

While a good choice is to walk out when he is cheats/abuses, a perfect choice is for either of us not to mess up majorly (there will always be minor mess ups as we weren't perfect) and live happily together till all our teeth are out

MadCow1:
Daddy huh?!


SWEEET!!! I liked that Until I saw you were married.




Back to the Matter..

I am not saying people dont bail out of marriages o!! But my dear, if you are honest with yourself and well aware of some of the shiit that goes on in many peoples homes, you would realise that many women reduce their tolerance treshold from the 'If he cheats i'm out' level to as low as 'Its just one baby na, I can still manage' level before they leave..


I have seen very strong women broken down beyond their wildest imaginations because of marriage. The external pressure and the shame alot are enough shackles to keep a woman bound in a bad relationship against her will.

I once wrote about a woman who was about 8 Months pregnant with their first baby and the Husband beat her so bad, she to her brothers house. The Man went to the Borthers house and beat her there, dragged her by the hair into his car, took off at break neck speed and ended up in an accident with his pregnant wife inside the car.. You would think that this was the end.. MBA!! Guess what the woman said about the matter:: She said her husband beats her because its a weakness that he has.

O!! And she is a Graduate working woman.


Instead of many of these young girls to be forming NIKITA online, they should rather pray that their eyes should never see what their legs cant run away from.

LOL @ sweet

True @ bolded. I think a lot did not really mean all the gra gra they said. Some say it because that is what is in vogue . How do you explain a lady who cannot 'stand' cheating or abuse marry a cheat/flirt or a guy who has given her one or two slaps? If her guy has not, what was her reaction to those it happened to around her?

I am also happy you see that there are a lot of shitty marriages around here. Women really really see in marriages.

I know myself wella and I cannot stand cheating and abuse. During our counseling classes, my pastor asked what will make me leave (we were treating for better for worse topic) and I told him C & A. He was surprised because others would have said 'nothing' (although he knows me to be very honest & blunt ).

Any other thing (apart from rituals), I am ready to work it out

@final bolded: True that. Marrying the right person eliminates most of these things and not tall/handsome/rich smooth operator they are seeking about

MadCow1:
Buka!!

You don marry?!

You wan use me do second wife

Yes daddy, I don marwi

My hubby worship the ground I walk but if I cheat, I should pack my stuffs from where he saw/caught and disappear forever. There is no need to apologize, nothing will come out of it and vice versa.

Chrisbenogor:
Again, this is true. The evidence however that abounds in the world (wars, conflicts, etc) does not show that "many" people are adept at managing these emotions. For me after being on the receiving end more than once in past relationships, I learned to take life a lot less seriously, in fact I think the priming that it is the worst thing that could happen in a relationship/marriage tends to increase the blow.

Personally I advocate that each case be judged on its own merit, factors such as the personality of the individuals involved....are they both ruled by their heads alone or by their hearts. Then comes the root cause analysis.....if it can be handled by both parties. Was it a moment of pure physical pleasure ( men tend to be the culprits here - 3 minutes excitment in a dirty clean ( the guy has to have class na ) hotel room, was it emotional ( women and men are culprits here o - bbm chats, whatsapp chats, sms) this one can pain sha. Then there is the omega of them all - physical and emotional cheating! Phew! This one requires professional remedy and all the help that is needed should be given to those involved.


Here is the catch though, regardless of what we choose.......we have to deal with reality. That is where our emotions manifest or would I say take form. That is where the children cry and wonder why daddy and mummy dont see eye to eye, where families swear at each other and collect bride price back. So whatever decision is taken, one has to be ready to live with the reality of that decision.

What is worse in a marriage than cheating and abuse?

MadCow1:
[b]Madam..

Leave all these small girls wey full here wey dey form Online James Bond..

CHEATING IN MARRIAGE is way way different from CHEATING IN BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND relationships..

I have seen enough to start tp pity women. I have witnessed a Man whose wife tracked him to a (Corner side) hotel in Port Harcourt and confronted him live in the reception.. As the Woman was losing her mind and acting a fool there, the Man looks to the Hotel Manager like to say; What type of embarassment is this.. Nna men, Na so Security come evict the woman from the Hotel o!! The Man collect Key, carry ehn Babe enter room.. LIVE!! As in!!! I was in shock.. A few hours later, the Man comes out and drives away.. The WOman was still outside inside her car crying..

I have seen Women whose husbands even impregnated a girl outside stay in the marriage.. Even made moves to adopt the child from the side boo.

Marriage I tell the young ones is a big game changer.. Everything you thought you knew about marriage flies out the window most especially when you are in an unfaithful and abusive relationship.. [/b]

Truth is some people know themselves and what they can take or not take

I had a facilitator who said he will never cheat on his wife because he knows that is the end. The wife has shown him that cheating is the end of the game. He said his wife can do practically anything to make the home happy but once he cheats, the game is over.

Some people have a stand and stick 100% by it

Madampinkolo:
@bukatyne & bellong,
had to deactivate ooo..I'm back though.
trying to now catch me hopefully will be harder

Welcome back

red101:
I 100% agree with this.
I mean, if you are decent, then you should find a partner who is decent as well and on your level. the problem arises when we are looking for something elusive or something beyond our reach then of course it's going to be hard to do so and still maintain decency without resorting to corruptible games. men and women are guilty of this.




secondary school is for kids ages 10-16. It doesn't count.

My PA will invoice you for agreement fees

Ahhh then it's time to deactivate naaaaa
Cheers everyone!

LOL

I don't know you o!

God forgive me, I yam a lied

hispinkolo:
I'm married to a people pleaser..People pleasers are not the most strong willed people.In their bid to play nice,they tend to fall into trouble then blame the devil.So,no one should blame me if I'm not overtly trusting or willing to stake my left eye on cheat or not cheat.Yes,he says he detests infidelity etc but I don't think his character is strong enough if pushed hard enough.I'm open to change my mind though.

This does not in anyway mean I am flippant about cheating,NO.I was obsessed with it in the first year of marriage then eventually chilled out when i knew what options are available to me in the event of such.It's the only thing i'm 100% certain that will destroy my marriage because i CANNOT forgive.I'd love to be able to but i feel it's impossible for me. It would be better he just comes out and discusses anything that is unsatisfactory or lapses we both can work on,not running around and having affairs and expecting me to stoop to conquer.I would rather channel my energy into conquering a new blokos.After that,it's 1-1.We can then go for counselling.
If there's something my husband is sure of,it's the fact that I will retaliate.How i'd do that,no one knows yet.

I have lived with a father who cheated albeit discreetly and unfortunately I always caught him.I dunno how or why(my family says i have catching spirit) but I always caught my dad and ofcourse told my mother.She always acted so helpless and i resented her weakness.Their marriage is okay for them, my dad is an excellent father but a terrible husband.Forever threatening her with divorce that time despite being wrong on soo many counts.Bless them though,don't know how they do it.
This experience shaped me.I hate helplessness and won't allow anyone put me in that position.I cannot be threatened with divorce(i'm soo immune),chasing me away from my home,or taking my kids.Lai lai..I earn a good pay and i have the law to fight for me no shaking.
So i know DH and I are loving each other because we want to,i'm in the marriage willingly,sacrificing myself daily building us up.same goes for him according to what he says.If he chooses to step out, that's the ultimate betrayal,there will be no going back.

I cannot ofcourse advise anyone to even consider my stance.Everyone is different though and I have to do whatever will help me sleep at night.
So the only viable options are to talk and pray.
Una call me what u want but I'm being very candid as i'm anonymous.v

You are not anonymous hehehe

I know you

Nice one

Lol @ you will retaliate if he cheats, how you don't know

ihedinobi2:
Thank you. You just played Abigail to my David. I was about to bring war to this thread.

So, Bond is the standard now ehn? Who was arguing that the women that want bad boys are wifeable again? Tell me exactly how Bond's marriage would look.

I'm still wondering at the allegations that men who don't sleep around don't do so because they are inconfident, hypocritical or broke. Lol, as if money is needed to straff. I go tell una my story? I have never had enough money to form big boy and I never really cared but my "girlfriend" back in secondary school was claimed to be the prettiest (unsolicited info I was given). In the polytechnic, I don't know where they ranked her because I never really cared to ask but she was hot and fine and had two dudes proposing to her when she practically moved in with me. Didn't cost me that much. I was just a gentleman that listened when they talked, picked up the tab (and I didn't bother with impressing with classy eateries and hangouts) and moved in for the kiss when I had made her good and ready for it (not that I knew what the hell I was doing then, I was just very attentive and very observant).

You think that being decent means being clueless or dull? I hope you all find Bonds to marry.

And I hope that you marry no nice guys whatever the case with Bond. Say Amen.

LOL @ bolded

I did not go through the thread

You be good lover boy o!

Having se.x like dogs sure isn't the qualification of manhood else we are all doomed

Bond as in James Bond is obviously NOT a husband material (again it depends on who the wife is )

Our decent brothers should find decent women to love and they will see them blossom.

A loved and cared for woman is very beautiful and radiates elegance. Ditto a loved man loved and cared for by the woman he loves.

The both of them will radiate like stars!

Sagamite:
If it is an act of law, then you will need to call the police.

Ok then

Don't commit to your wifey and see the sledge hammer of God descending on ya bum

Sagamite:
Is that under the UN Declaration of Human rights?

It is a declaration under the Marriage act

I don't comment in some threads either because I do not want to rock the boat. A pregnant woman's husband cheated on her and she should sit down, discuss bla bla bla

I wonder what the advise would be if a sick man's wife cheated on him.

Sagamite:
chaircover, you see wetin I dey say?

Okay, but women think they have a right/entitlement to a man's commitment?

@bold: What did you say?

Partners have a right and entitlement to their spouses' commitment. I am entitled to my husband's commitment and my husband is entitled to my commitment.

If I am not ready to commit, marriage is not by force.

Sagamite:
Okay.

Why do you want to give the relationship continuation a try?

Why do you think your relationship is for him?

What do you think you bring into the relationship that makes you deserve him being exclusive with you?

How do you see your ability in making him happy?

Did he marry you because (i) he wanted to marry you or (ii) he wanted to marry or (iii) he felt you expected marriage?

Do you feel you create an environment that enables him to freely express himself?

Note: These are not attacking questions or putting the burden of blame on you, they are root-to-branch analysis of the foundation and configuration of the relationship from your perspective of how you meet his perspective and expectations. Same can be asked of him.

Modern relationship is effed up. Many men are too ball-less to dictate what they want and how the want it, and many women live a life of perceived entitlement.

Strange in this stance as her husband cheated on her and not the other way round.

It is not women who think they have the right to cheat and not be cheated on in marriage

coogar:
how won't the white men hold the world down when they keep manipulating everyone to their own advantage? as at the time the white men were colonising everywhere & catching slaves, their female counterparts were subdued, spanked in public, etc. now that the white men have fully developed their own land, they are now talking about gender equality, rights for women, VAWA, etc.

it's the same in other spheres of life. tap any wall in american houses and its wood....but they want the africans to shun deforestation(after they developed theirs). now they are lying that the ozone layer is completely eroded & the world should go green.....just because they can't stand the arabs & OPEC countries making money.

how will the black men ever hold the world down when he's constantly restricted by white man's hypocrisy? what do you think will happen by 2020 when all american vehicles are supposed to go hybrid? no wonder GEJ wants to die at aso rock. nigeria go hear weeeeeeeeeeeeeeen. india has refused to sign that go green treaty.

The whites are learning from previous mistakes and forging ahead

Blacks should please do say too

KanwuliaJara:
Using a 'like' button can NEVER DO JUSTICE TO THIS!
I have to quote it!
Black les-bian couples are the MOST VIOLENT OF ALL GAY COUPLES O!
Nor try am!

Nor be to practice o!

I meant reading it up.

You are the second saying this... hmmm

alutacontinua:
You have got to be kidding me
The things naija women do in the name of keeping a man
Hian!

I am laughing hard today!

Couldn't the husband wait till the woman was healed? 6weeks? Does it mean he cannot wait for 2months if his wife travelled or he travelled himself?

Things we do for 'loff'

KanwuliaJara:
GBAM!
We get Hausa people for awa compound o.
You can NEVER hear their voices.
Dem reach 10 with their wives and children for dia o.

But go backyard where 'IGBO AND YORUBA' FEMALES DEY. . . JUST ONE EACH!
They can NEVER get along!
Another BINI GIRL AND ONE IGBO GIRL. . . FIGHT FINISH. . .TEAR CLOTHES NAKED FOR COMPOUND. . . they give free show to the WHOLE COMPOUND!!!!

Warn nor be say dem nor go follow dem heart-break aka desire o!
At least dem dey take dem eye look from their family experience abi?
I can only teach them how to recognize PROPER COMMUNICATION SKILLS!

IGBO AND YORUBA NA THE WORST!
Chauvinistic and IGNORANT!
To say 'I am sorry'. . . NEVER!
You earn more money. . .WAHALA!
You be housewife. . . WAHALA!
You wear lipstic. . . WAHALA!
You carry 'some-gaps' for head. . . WAHALA!
You born pikin. . . WAHALA!
You nor born pikin. . .WAHALA!
You go school. . . WAHALA!
You nor go school. . . WAHALA!

You can NEVER PLEASE THEM. . . BECAUSE THEY ARE GENERATIONAL SADISTS!

This is hilarious

I will say not all

Stillfire:
Let me add that...
Black women/white men's divorce statistic is lower than black men/white women in the US. In fact black men/ white women are twice as likely to divorce.

The white woman cannot condone half the 'angry, black woman' does

coogar:
that's because the white woman makes him very happy. why won't he push buggies and do other stuff for her? he gets regular sėx at night from his whorë wife without the headache or stress excuses typical of the average black woman.

a black man is happier with a white woman - she would not demand for a brazilian hair or blackberry phones when there are other pressing needs in the family. i compare my friends that are married to white women here to their counterparts married to naija women - the difference is glaring!




because that will be the true test to see whether black men are the troublesome fools causing wahala in black relationships or not.

without the black men in the equation, do we still find violence between 2 women? if the answer is yes then the problem ultimately lies with the black women. without black women in the equation, do we find violence in black gay relationships? yes - but it's way lower than black lesbians.

so draw your inference......



black women + black women have the highest rate of domestic violence in all the categories. go on google and find out on CDC. the victims were beaten, stalked and räped. i never knew females do rapê females until i came across one article few moons ago.

Black men behave themselves very well with white women

It is only a mad woman who will be treated with love and still be 'angry'

It is not funny we are comparing

CASE 1: a black guy willing to do stuffs for his white wife so she has the energy/strength/desire for lovemaking at night

and

CASE 2: a black guy married to a black woman, unwilling to do stuffs for her and still expecting her to perform like a LovePeddler @ night?

Is it not on this NL guys said their wives must make dinner irrespective of whom gets home first?

I have colleagues who get home same times with their hubby and still enter the kitchen to cook that night. Some are married to men who do like freshly made stew/soup daily and the wife does so every night. Somehow, you still expect the same woman to twist under/above you later that night

Women and men work the same jobs, pass the same route home, face the same traffic etc. Men get home and complain that they are stressed out Women get home and are expected to cook , clean and still twist at night

Black men, fear God o!

I will look up Black lesbian relationships to form an opinion.

Black women + White men relationships are not usually stormy so I doubt it is as simple as 'Black women' are the denominating factor of violence...

ihedinobi2:
After reading a friend's latest entries in her diary, I thought about writing my "closing" arguments on friendzoning and "nice guys finish last". I decided that it isn't worth my energy right now. But I'll say the following and leave it at that:

Friendzoning is an act of selfishness. This is because love is beautiful when you're the recipient. When someone loves you, they make you a very high priority in their lives. You benefit a lot from that. They're always there for you. You can count on that. If you have any kind of need, they will be right there to stretch themselves and provide it. But here's where it gets tough: love is vastly expensive to the lover. The lover spends a very difficult kind of currency - themselves. Where do you replenish such expenses? Only from other people who love you in the same degree.

Now, someone is spending themselves on you and you enjoy that. But you would rather not spend yourself on them for whatever reason is applicable to you. What do you do? Call Love Friendship and invent arguments for why they should keep up the expense even when it kills them to do so. That is what makes the Friendzone issue difficult to leave alone. Those who have been drained like that tend to be cynical about love and the value or worth of fellow human beings.

About the "nice guys finish last" matter, I have only this to say: like attracts like. If a woman is attracted to men who do not respect or value womanhood, it says a lot about her not just about men who do respect womanhood. If a woman wants tough guys who are all about swag and money and bachelor pads, whatever she says about them being real and all that, it means only that she is not very interested in motherhood and stability. You want to live the life of the club and spotlights, you don't belong in the home, the kitchen and the bedroom and nursery. It's that simple.

When a man or woman is ready to take on life, they don't look for fast-moving stuff, they look for deep roots. And if they have spent their youth running around and jumping on every train headed south, well they have the consequence that they will not be very deserving of any kind of love, to say nothing of a good man's or woman's love. Forgiveness exists to ensure that they can be rescued but it is not something they have any right to. So if you're a nice guy and the flashy girls are giving you the cold shoulder, move on. Don't complain. Simply build yourself a life you can be proud of and you will have your own pick of women. Don't be bitter about other people's choices even if they hurt you. Just free them and thus free yourself to breathe, to live, to grow and become everything you can be.



Addendum: I realize that there is a conflict about the definition of "nice guys". I have only this to say about it: there are dull guys, there are players and there are decent men. Dull guys are boys who have not acquired the, er, "balls" to take on life. Players are the typical bad boys. Decent men are the "nice guys" in question here. Decent men make homes. They tend to keep long relationships so whenever they're in the market after their first time, they aren't nearly always the most polished. They place their women very high on their priority list because they understand gow critical the role of womanhood is to a man. You don't generally find them in clubs, not because they don't like fun but because they have moral boundaries. You won't meet them at strip joints unless they're on a break from decency. They aren't regulars at pick-up bars and restaurants because some things tend to be overdone. A decent guy is simply a man with boundaries. He does not live on a constant high. He is a centered person and does not chase thrills as a matter of course. That's the nice guy here. If you have any other definition, it doesn't apply to my arguments.

There, have a nice thought or two now.

LOL! @ friendzone saga again

I 100% agree with you that like attracts like.

A lady who is attracted to a 'bad' guy is not nice herself (forget the outward appearance)

I think a lot of 'good/decent' guys get burnt because they are trying to attract women not like them (you know the flashy flashy of this world). A woman can be decent and still look sweet. Bitter or not, a lot of ladies do not appreciate the 'meekness' of decent guys and mistake it for 'weakness'

Decent guys should know the kind of women that fit into their future and go for them. Let bad men/women roll with themselves

I honestly believe a decent lady will not friendzone a guy because she knows that love is quite expensive and truth is when a man genuinely loves, he does so with the whole of his being

Friendzoned guys (and ladies), sorry o!

coogar:
so why then do black lesbian relationships have the highest rate of domestic violence? black women in same-sëx relationships beat up their partners, stalk her, räpe her, etc and you want to blame this on the black men?

Coogar! Coogar!! Coogar!!!

What concord does Black women + White man relationship have with Black lesbian relationship?

That was a yes or no question

@Black lesbian relationships: I honestly do not have the stats on that however I do not believe that Black lesbian relationship has the highest rate of violence in the pool of

Black Men + Black Women;
Black Men + White Women;
Black Women + White Men;
White Women + White Men;
Black Men + Black Men;
White Women + White Women;
White Men + White Men relationships

KanwuliaJara:
Gbam!

This is a real TOPIC OF THE YEAR!

Hmmmmmmmmmm!

FayaaaaaaaaaaaRRRRRRon my pipo!

LOL!

Sophyrocks:
I am forced to reason this way too. Perhaps there are a lot of things blacks are doing wrong dnt you think? Haba!! Look at black american men for example. why is there so much of the issue of baby mamas, pushing of drugs, carrying weapons and ending up in jail? Why wont their women be angry?

Or could it be the bad history of colonialism thats affecting blacks? Perhaps when people have been exposed to barbarism or suffering for too long, it affects their psyche. Its a widely held belief that the average black american, male and female, is rude and razz/uncouth. Just look at africans and look at whites. The difference is too much.

It is Noah's curse

Colonialism cannot have this kind of effect

coogar:
i disagree with you here, please.
black men with white partners rarely have issues of domestic violence. i strongly believe the black woman brings out the worst of the black man because she's constantly angry, vile & obnoxious.

what has this gotta do with the black man?
the relationship with most domestic violence incidents is the black lesbian relationships. that should then tell you that the average black woman has issues beyond the curse of noah's sons. it must be in their melanin.

Do you have recurring issues of domestic violence in Black women & White men cases?

The black man also brings out the worst in black women because they lack self esteem and see every ridiculous thing as an 'affront' to their perceived 'manhood' I tell my people: steer clear from any black man who the only thing he has going for him is his 'blackness/Nigerianility'

Don't worry, it is the curse of Noah's son and it affects all blacks

nwababy:
Hello Nlanders, I have good News! Am so over the moon and am thankful to God for giving me a patient heart; though it wasn't easy for me then(I thought mine is always different)I didn't know that God is planning mine in a special way. I almost disconnected from things around me cos of the lingering. Is only someone in my shoe that will understand how I feel. Meanwhile, the good news is multiple sha. God indeed maketh all things beautiful in his time. I thank God that I didn't persuade my fiance (though I tried severally lol I abi trouble maker oh I even reminded him of how almost all my suitors has married is well sha) the Uncle turned out to be nice and acted the role of a father very well on the introduction day. (Sponsered everything they came with monetary wise, it was a surprise) my traditional wedding has been fixed by God's grace, and am running around for the preparation no time self. Finally, God blessed my fiance with a better job now a multi national. His blessings are so enormous. Who am I that his mindful of. I only hear this kind of testimony as a story now am sharing mine. Word aren't enough to express how grateful iam to God. The white wedding shall be next year by His grace. I believe that everything shall turn out successful IJN. Baba God dalu.

Thank God for your testimony

It will be permanent in Jesus Name

babygirlfl:
Please Sirshymex, I will rather not go into this feminism, gender equality and male authority topic because, it is one thing we both don't agree on and I will never change your mind so lets forget about it. It is not worth discussing because it is simply not worth it. Most African men simply hate gender equality because they benefit from gender inequality while most African women want gender equality because they are the gender that suffer from the gender inequality. I totally understand why men would not want to change that aspect of African culture. However it would be nicer and much more honest if the African man told us the real reason why he does not want gender equality and not hiding under preserving their culture or preserving the family structure.

LOL!

@OP: I think there is something wrong with the black race (perhaps the curse of Noah's son)

The average black man/woman is 'angry' so no need to differentiate 'woman'/'man'

^^^^

It is the work of the girl's enemy in the village and I am glad the boy is happily married

@OP: No biggie for me

I would rather marry someone younger than several years older than I am

@saying women age faster than men, then the age difference between couple must matter to cover up for it

I think the OP is referring to married women who were once married/who are married to divorced men and not second wife of a married man who is still with his first(polygamy)

@OP: People dislike the second to infinto wives in a polygamous home because they are seen as thieves and reaping where they did not sow

People dislike a wife married to a divorced man when they know the previous wife but with time, they might soften

All in all, it is best you live your life for yourself only!

Kimoni:
same reasons why the unbelieving partner is told he/she is free to leave.

An unbelieving partner is free to leave if he/she wants to (reason or not)

A believing partner is free to leave in cases of adultery/abuse.

Mystiqme:
If they are being cheated/abused by their unbelieving partner?

He/she is free to do so

Kimoni:
And what if the believing partner wants to leave? Is he or she also free to do so? #just asking

Why would a believing partner want to leave?