₦airaland Forum

cococandy: Oh now I get the joke.
Tri and tri.

The devil part isn't even helping matters

Hehehehehe

LOL!

The girl is clearing following her charted destiny

FrankAba1: I have been following this thread from a far. Career now, Family later? Watch and listen to Danielle Crittenden opinion on it :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TU1isJvsTCw

Is this all you gathered from the OP?

candidbabe: we have been warned to be careful of the names we give to our children when we give birth to them.

though some parents don't care to listen.

Lol!

You are not serious

Tridevil

ayinba1: Neither. Make and enforce sensible laws that are compatible with Human (or Man) nature.

Would you want the father of your kids to spend 21 years behind bars? For marrying another woman?

The 'father of your kids' line is so stale. The man should realize that I am also the mother of his kids

If the law says 21yrs, who am I to say no?

bellong: What are you driving at?

It is not good to enforce the law or it should be expunged?

She seems to support polygamy

snrman: I will do what she did..who wants a broken home? but I will warn him the next time I catch him red handed I will double the request I ask for (no try am o)

And what is the definition of a broken home?

ayinba1: Are you married? am just trying to see what angle each contributor is writing from.
@all others
Let us remember to be civil and respectful of the OP. This is her reality and many women in Africa. The strict laws concerning monogamy in the West makes it a non issue because the man either divorces or kills his wife, then marries the new one.

@OP, Do not leave your husband if you both still love each other and can make it work. I agree that the woman in the home should be notified first. Wanting to be a polygamist does not equate cheating and sneaking up on your spouse. Respect for feelings are crucial in any relationship.

Then how did the man become polygamous?

safarigirl: If you're one who has stayed within the female hostel of any Nigerian University, you'll find that most of it's occupants share similar hopes and dreams- and no, it's not to excel in their chosen career paths.

One of the lecturers in my school aptly described women as 'a waste of education'...no, it wasn't an insult, it was just stating the obvious. You find a woman who has hustled through primary, secondary and University education. One who looked set to be a force to reckon with in the world of business or law or medicine, I mean a female with straight A's and you think Nigerian women may be getting things right, only to follow her back to her hostel and hear these heart-breaking words:

"Omo, after school na to find husband marry remain."

In the real sense of the word this is translated to:

"After school, I'll fling my degee inside one iron box in my dad's storeroom, find a perfect mugu that will put a ring on my finger, buy me a car, set up a boutique/beauty saloon for me and all I have to do to get this is spread my legs for him and push out little people with his DNA"

Nigerian women view marriage the same way hustling Nigerian men view the US Green Card- an avenue to escape life's troubles. So in the same way you find 23 year old Nigerian men marrying 56 year old American women, you find young, promising women relegated to some man's priority list.

Here she is saying some Nigerian women see marriage as a means to an end. Theirs is not the issue of 'I have to sacrifice A, B, C for family; they are not even ready to venture into their chosen path at all'

I don't think most Nigerian women realise that nobody wants to get attached to a leech. If you allow some Nigerian women, they would even want their husbands to carry the babies and birth them as well. And when you ask why they don't want to build wealth with a man, you hear:

"I've already suffered in my father's house. I don't want to continue suffering in my husband's house"

Now unless you're getting married to a no-good leech like yourself, there is no reason why building wealth with a man should be termed 'suffering'


She is encouraging women to go for upcoming men and together build a home


Even on Sun Newspaper's 'Beauty Of The Week' it's the same thing.

Future Ambition: Getting Married And Having Kids

If you think God put you on this earth to make a liability of yourself, you need to think again. There is more to life than being someone's baby mama. There is a purpose for getting an education that lies beyond being able to speak good english whenever you and your man attend social functions

Nigerian women need to sit down and re-evaluate their lives. God sent you to assist a man, not to add to his problems. Men appreciate women who can think for themselves, who want to contribute to the family (and I don't mean churning out kids). There is nothing more endearing than a smart woman who views men as companions rather than money bags.

Another powerful message

Don't waste the education your parents worked so hard to provide for you. Break the stereotype, Nigerian women should be more than gold-digging leeches. If the likes of Oby Ezekwesili, Joke Silva, NOI can be successful career women as well as wives and mothers, then we all need to dust up our certificates and CVs and have proper future ambitions

@ last bolded, classic.

God Bless You...and don't take this the wrong way

I went back to quote the OP and will highlight some parts

sheniqua: The thread is about so many things including that I read the original post three times and shook my head each time.
Do you know why my career seems to be picking up now,my kids are no longer babies
They can pretty much do everything themselves so I have less to do for them
I can afford to stay at work till 7 PM and do stuff
I can travel out to conferences
In fact this October I will be out almost two weeks on work related stuff ( one week at a time)
I can take part in career enhancing ventures out of town
I couldn't do that before

pickabeau1: Ok.. you win

and everybody believes in Allah and Jehovah?

This 'you win' is very annoying

Were we fighting or competing here?

If one does not believe in Allah or Jehovah, what is the major root for polygamy? Culture? Why did our fore fathers have 2 or more wives? Is it still relevant today?

Doesn't a man marry a wife first (monogamy) and decides on no 2 to infinity before becoming a polygamist?

sheniqua: I know other women that got married and were blessed with disabled or sickly children in one shape or another
Guess who had to quit their job or cut down to accommodate that situation?
We can't sit and pain anyone with a brush .

I speak from my experiences,I know without a doubt that my career which seems to be taking off on a coaster now,would have surpassed where I am now by many miles had I been single without kids.
I know what I went through trying to get through training and jobs and finding child care etc.
Calling in sick at work because your child has a fever and everyone mad at you because patients had to be cancelled.
But if I were to do it again,I will still choose marriage and children

This thread is not about marriage over career

Infact, your story will be a good one for the OP; with your family, you are still able to get ahead in your chosen career.

Funny enough, you might not have really moved further than where you are now if you were single without kids

pickabeau1: You asked me a rhetorical question yet expect me to answer

What is rhetorical about it?

If a married man courting another woman to marry her is not strange to you, then a married woman collecting a toaster's number is equally not strange.

@Date of polygamy:

How can polygamy pre-date monogamy?

God created a man & woman, According to Muslims, Allah created a man & woman so how can polygamy be before monogamy?

sheniqua: Sometimes your dream may have to take a back burner when you marry
It happens
Marriage and kids and sometimes slow a woman's career progress
It is the sacrifice we make for family
And someone has to make that sacrifice
I would rather it be me than my husband
I dreamed of being a surgeon but I moved to the USA with hubby and there are no 24 hour house girls here
I had to settle for a path that will accommodate the family life I chose.
I don't regret that sacrifice one bit.
Hubby on the other hand went on to acquire more degrees,he works more and makes more and that is OK.i am the more available parent in terms of time.
Wen a woman chooses family,there are certainly sacrifices to be made
Everyone is talking about NOI
While she was in Nigeria serving her country!wasn't her doctor husband in Maryland USA palpating and auscultating the nurses ?
We read that in the papers.who knows,it may not have been so if she were home,just maybe

At one point or the other, we all have to make sacrifices..

I know men & women who slowed down at one point or the other to accommodate family needs.

I doubt the OP is taking about making sacrifices here...

There is a difference between I have to defer my professional exams for 2yrs because of child birth/kids/hubby will be away etc. and I am no longer doing my professional exams because I am married.

@NOI: Her hubby would have cheated even if she was sleeping on him daily. It is better she achieved what she wanted to achieve not minding the bad marriage than letting her husband's antics get to her.

It would be disastrous if she looked at him, forgone her dreams and the man still cheated.

A woman can still achieve all she wants to with her family and a supportive husband. Infact, her supportive husband will spur her to achieve more maybe at a slower pace but definitely more fulfilling.

pickabeau1: And the bolded does not occur when a single man wants to court a single woman?
Since to you the act of courting is lust

Pickabeau1

Is a married woman collecting money for 'hair' from her colleague the same with a single lady doing so?

Is a married woman collecting a toaster's number the same with a single lady doing so?

Emmalot121: You are another man's cross(we can never meet not to talk of wedding), if you like be submissive to your lord, like I wrote, women like you have always been in existence from time immemorial.All I know is, submissive women(strong and supportive) are not scarce in Nigeria.I'm not gonna marry a non-submissive woman.
I blame the bad economy of Nigeria for not encouraging polygamy, that is why women don't know their stand in the home anymore. If you like start crying and allow emotions to becloud your sense of judgement,I know I can't win arguement with a woman because your fishbrain(varies but in EVERY woman and does not affect our education that depends more on diligence than intelligence) but I must argue to logical conclusion.

I do not hold conversations with ii mannered posters.

If you cannot converse without insults, do not quote me.

GodsDivinefavor: In all honesty, I don't how he was able to manage that side of the story.

It is well

sheniqua: For Dora and NOI to be grandmothers in their fifties tells you they married right out of school. someone says NOI actually got married while in the university so what again is her point?

The problem is not marrying out of school or marrying young; we have Omotola a very typical example close to us (she married at 18)

The problem is forsaking your dreams (if you have) because of marriage or seeing marriage as a means to an end. She is saying you can be a mother, wife, grandma sef and still shake your world or do something fulfilling.

I think people miss it because they equate career & dreams into becoming a bank manager

Our dear Seun is an entrepreneur and I doubt he has a corporate office. He doesnot have to wear a suit daily to the office either.

we have people doing well in fashion, cobbling, dress making, production of stuffs, doing well in their various occupations etc.


@ Grandma in fifties, I doubt the marry in school part

My mum will be a grandma in her early fifties and she married out of school (But again, we both married early)

@OP:

This is a beautiful writeup to challenge ladies to be the best they can be.

More ladies are forsaking that school of thought though

2sExy1: She is a tomboy and I can't blame her entirely. She has a point though.

I would say that my academic inkling was born when I frequented a friend's house. His mother would say : "hey 2sexy, no time for play, junior wants to do his homework, he is reading etc" I had to start emulating him and learnt to read and write because of that. Of course Junior was way ahead of me academically at that time and he often outdo do us during quiz. Thanks to his mother, who was housewife and a tailor.

How can a tailor be a housewife?

Would you call women like Deola Sagoe housewives?

shymexx: Lmao...I just dropped a little neutron bomb in there - you've the button to the nukes.

That's why I honestly don't take women seriously when they play the blame game. You can't expect someone who sees you as a mere appendage to respect, especially when you have absolutely nothing to offer - and he's your claim to fame. To deserve respect, you've to earn it, and that comes with the territory and what you bring to the table. Hence I always remind most women that I know that it's a woman's world, but most women are too emotional and illogical, to understand the game. The society puts a lot of responsibilities on men - but if women can think like men, be driven and start aiming higher, that will tilt the balance of power. And men would have no choice but to respect you. However, when you sit your fat ars.es there - fighting men and demanding respect when you are non-achievers - then that's problematic. Nobody respects a pest and a mere appendage.

Safarigirl is like one in a million. And I think that's because she reads a lot, tries to understand what she reads and applies it to real life situations, and she's tom-boyish (she thinks like a guy). Definitely a different breed from the norm.

Bruv, I just vet them - and with my cognitive skills, I see through people easily. And once I see you have nothing to offer, apart from making noise everywhere, ya ti.ts, batty, and pum - I just throw the heffa in a garbage can. No time for time wasters. Too hot to be around cold mofos.

This is a very deep message written here

Respect is earned and not demanded.

if you are a woman deserving of respect, you do not need to ask for it

xp17: hats off for you sire.
I had an uncle, till death he never ate any stale food. he doesn't do either microwaved or cooler foods. when he gets home, his wife knows what to do, she goes straight to the kitchen to serve him food directly from the pot "as it dey hot so".

wealthy men want liability, that is so true. only an average Joe talks about gender equality.

And deep down do you wish your daughter same?

A daughter you trained to be the best with your resources?

sheniqua: Thank you!
The very examples of Dora Akunyili,NOI and Diezani she gave are all married women with children ( RIP Dora)
Name almost every successful nigerian woman we hear of,most are married with children
Omotola that has graced nairaland pages countless times is an entrepreneur,an actress and a married woman with children
NOI is in her 50s and a grandmother which tell me she married in her early 20s
The Richest Nigerian woman folorunso Alakija is married with children and she didn't get married as a millionaire
When threads of Rita Dominic and Genny come out,it is these same boys hailing this poster that will will tell them to go and marry.

Looks like some people just wake up and start typing without thinking

The OP has not said anything against marriage

She said women should build a life for themselves apart from marriage.

If she was against marriage, would she use Dora, NOI and co?

She is saying the same thing these women would have said

Emmalot121: Equal rights is different from equality .Men and women are not equal !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" All the same,there are a lot of submissive women in Nigeria,there are millions of meat in the soup pot.Communism if you don't know is when government try to influence people's way of life,if you never knew,the original feminism ideology has been lost,its now controlled by gays,anti-marriage and scientists in America who need dead foetus to perform experiment in America(search Google) divorce lawyers and politicians like Clinton.I WON'T WRITE MUCH.My question to you is;Were you born the way you think about submission in marriage,or were you influenced to thinking in this way?For the first time,be sincere to yourself.

Please permit me to laugh! LOL!

I yam learning

@GodsDivinefavor,

All I can say is 'God be with you'

I cannot imagine having to share my hubby with another woman so I can understand the pain you are going through

It is well

pickabeau1: TV01

infidelity as an act occurs outside the marriage whether monogamous or otherwise

Polygamy is not infidelity as long as the sexual affairs are kept within the union

That a polygamous mindset is more likely to lead to infidelity as it's taken for granted is not in doubt

In the old days there were still taboos to ensure women did not sleep around
Whether mono or poly, few men want to raise another man's child

So to say polygamy is infidelity is still reaching
However I agree the mindset is more likely

The infidelity is not necessarily physical; the Bible says any man who thinks of sleeping with a woman (not a wife) in his heart, he has committed adultery

Now, when a man wants to marry another wife, he must court her (not necessarily sex et al) first before the marriage. The act of courting her is the infidelity (I am talking of religious/moral folks who do no sex before 'marriage')

Besides, we know that most men married their girlfriends who got pregnant or decided to 'hook' him.

It is well

I read your OP and went to the thread you referenced

I think that Onye's post is very beautiful and teaches common sense to ladies.

Her thread just summaries that a tall frame, six packs etc. are not characteristics required to make a good husband neither are curves the requirement for a good wife

She infact encouraged ladies NOT to settle for less by focusing on the real thing

safarigirl: Being born into a society such as the Nigerian one connites certain things for a female.

From the day you can tell your right from your left, you're basically taught to be subservient to men. You're told that your place is in the kitchen and your brothers' place is in front of the television. Most of all, you're told that your only purpose in this world, is to fulfill the desires of some dude, serve him and bear his children. You are not to aspire for anything more and failure to live up to these expectations means failure as a person.

Well, this thread was inspired by a certain thread that was on FP today:

https://www.nairaland.com/1911041/why-nigerian-girls-should-not

Now, the stupidity of this thread is baffling. Basically, it's some lady telling females to settle for less. Telling us that we do not deserve the best and we shouldn't make any efforts to aspire for such because that would be foolhardy.

I honestly sympathise with her that she was unable to get the man of her desires, and eventually chose to settle for Plan B, who in fact was not what she desired, but as they say, when the desirable is not available, the available becomes desirable.

Time and again on Nairaland you find numerous chauvinists telling women basically that they have no opinion, telling us that we ought to dance skelewu because one of these rare species called 'men' looked upon us with pity and decided to marry us. And for those poor souls like Rita Dominic, Linda Ikeji and Genevieve Nnaji who are yet to be honored witha wedding ring? They should keep praying the rosary and hope they don't die 'marriageless'

Marriage is the be all and end all of a woman, therefore, she must settle for a raggamuffin if she hasn't found a gentleman at the ripe 'OLD' age of 27. Once you're through with University, your next bus stop should be a man's house.

Many women have ended up in loveless, frustrating marriages after settling for less, because all your friends got married after University doesn't mean you must marry at that time. Don't be the one whose story ends with 'Had I Known'

Feel free to live a little, keep your head on your shoulders, walk with your chin up, if you want your man to be as tall as Lebron James, don't settle for Tom Cruise, if you want him to be as charming as Antonio Banderas, don't settle for Al Pacino, if you want him to be as fit as CR7, don't settle for Mr. Ibu. If you must settle for less, let it be reasonable, don't go from a Lebron to a Kevin Hart because you're 'getting old and all your mates are married" no be who marry first dey happy pass.

Even the bible says "ask and it shall be given unto you" so if you tell God "I will manage..." He will bless you with a 'manageable' man.

God bless you as you settle with the best

@OP:

Wonderful article

Mondisweets: he could always ask her to unlock the phone and look for whatever he is looking for and give the phone back when he is done, i still be believe there should be privacy regardless of marriage or courtship. If there really is nothing incriminating to hide, she wouldn't have a problem with letting him go through the phone after asking. If a phone gets stolen or lost a third party can easily retrieve the info all in the name of i dont want privacy in a relationship. While for some people a phone is simply a device to call, whatsapp and go on nairaland, for some people it serves more important purposes beyond that.

I agree with you however, both parties should be in the loop at all times for there to be understanding.

There is really no privacy in marriage

Your business is your hubby's business and vice versa

GodsDivinefavor: You see polygamy is only accepted by men, no woman ever prays for it.

Even as a child in a polygamous home, it was hell. You wish you can change your family but alas.

Even when hubby impregnates another woman, and all the family intervention things followed...it took my mum to make me return to that same house.

But, we only learn in life when we come face to face with challenges.

I will be back.

How did your father marry his polygamous lifestyle with his religion (Christianity)?

The Bible frowns against it and been the husband of one wife is a mandatory pre-requisite for becoming an elder

crackhaus: See this bush woman, which one be 'Twa'?

I never said it's only with money...but hell yea, y'all would rather be pampered with any of those fancy things money can provide than with what carefree listed.

Money a woman can make herself you ask me?
Abeg leave story, no be today...

The moment you realize all women are not the same, the better

I do not need anybody's money when I make mine.

I only crave things I cannot do for myself from hubby (affection etc.)

sandijey: The only time polygamy can be managed is if the wives stay in separate places wiv their children. Each wife may not necessarily no what is happening to the next and of course if the man is extremely rich. What I just don't understand about polygamy is that is it planned from the beginning between both partners? Why do some women knowingly enter a polygamous home? How does the first wife truly feel? If u marry a muslim, my take is that u should get ready for such anyway but can there truly be peace even if the wives are in separate places.



So many questions . I know of a lady who is a third wife . Used to see her in the gym then. She told me that women who are emotional like her would find it easy in a polygamous setting. Didn't understand why she would say that. She said she knows all her husband's concubines and she is at peace wiv it. To her it's better than being the only wife and knowing that your husband is cheating outside thereby giving u heartache. She said after all, what's d difference between a cheating husband and a polygamyst. .


Well,

None really

Most 2nd to infinito wives were hubby's ex-gf's

@OP:

If a husband is not earning, he should do his best to ensure he is super-hands on at home. Nobody wants a liability .

For posters comparing housewives to 'househusbands' or non earning husbands:

An housewife knows she is one and ensures that the domestic front is well taken care of. I would frown seriously at a housewife that still expects her husband to come home to assist her especially on week days. On the other hand, most househusbands still want to be the 'head' of their homes (Nigerian definition of head) and cross leg waiting for their working wife to come and do all the chores.

#Bible passages can be tweaked to suit most situations; wanna use the Bible; let's cover all fronts.

crackhaus: Interesting.

So you're not a typical lady who would love being surprised with a box of Chanel no.5 perfume? or the very expensive Valentino dinner gown you were gawking at the other day when you were window shopping? or the newly released iPhone 6s? or a pair of the signature red-bottom louboutin? or the keys to your brand new dream car?
You mean you would really love doing the shopping for these on your own with your own money because it's fun, and not prefer your man surprise with one?

Interesting indeed!
You're every man's dream girl, no expectations from your man whatsoever.

And somehow you think it is only moneywise a man can pamper a woman?

Money a woman can make herself?

Twa!