₦airaland Forum

qizick: I didn't write to be insulted but to be adviced pproperly im in my mid twenties and he is 45 I love him but im scared his been married b4 in church I want to knw if its ok I can marry a divorced guy his wife was cut cheating dat is y he divorced her

You are 25; he is 45 and divorced

Have you lost hope? Are things that bad?

I am sure you want kids with him; say you marry him, @47, he will have your first child with him. When the child is in sec sch, he is past his prime. Does he have processes in place to ensure the kids can survive if he passes on/retires?


When you are 40 hitting your prime, he is past his. Do you think the se.x will be same? companionship? etc.

You say pressure: from him? family? colleagues?

Did he tell you his wife cheated or you found out? Do you know the wife?

moca: 10yrs my senior?
No way.

And for those saying women age more than men, I hear u.
Unless u don't wanna keep fit and come from family that looks older than their age,I don't wanna believe that.

Its just that our women stop worrying about their look when they marry and start popping out kids.

Or when the women are the ones doing everything Efemena's style

I pray not

alutacontinua: Dey there
I was once in love with a guy 12 years older, cut him loose cos he messed up but I loved him like tomorrow no dey . When I told my mum about him, she just went on and on about the age difference-in my mind, I was just laughing cos with the way I loved that guy, I knew she wouldn't have been able to stop me. The woman prays too much though, maybe na her prayers make the guy mess up like that


Anyways, buky buky, if your daughter is in love, na chill pill you go swallow

moca: I will kill bukatyne for this any time I see her!
My bro, I catch my fun this way.
Hope family is well and kicking?

Don't mind buky, I don full ground for her. My omugwo things r ready

@nashville and moca

No comment

Nashville: Agreed, I actually got married in that age range sef. And I don mature well well.

My husband knew he wanted us to get married @ 21; It was just working towards been able to build a home.

He actually wanted to marry @ 25

It is fun when both are very young.

I was never attracted to anyone way older than me. I never did 5yrs self.

Hubby is older by 4yrs.

I am thinking; if 25 marries 35 then@40, his first kid is 4 if God does it immediately

@Cococandy:

I don't agree that all guys 25 - 29 are not ready for marriage/mature

I have some 26+ married and doing fine.

Guys are now marrying earlier once they have the means to do so.

Age has nothing to do with maturity

Tymax: Honestly, I think 10 years is quite a stretch. The lady in this kind of relationship/marriage is easily manipulated because age difference is a big deal in this part of the world.

For ladies who cannot accept leadership from their peers, this is often the preferred choice. But if you want a husband who shares some memories associated with growing up in your "era"; someone with whom your friends are at ease; someone who would share a joke that takes you down memory lane and doesn't leave you lost in the humour; then by all means go with a man who is (loosely) your peer.

I would not allow my daughter marry someone older who is at least 10 years her senior.

Just my opinion.

100% supported

BABE3: No term nothing is coined for men because men are all over the place... they can be hypergamous ...they can be hypogamous ... they can be on-the-same-level-gamous.

Most women on the other hand are strictly hypergamous. Every woman wants a MAN (with potentials ) a prince charming, a knight in shinning armor. Women marry up.

They only marry down when hype Men aren't available. When the desired isnt available, the available becomes desried.

I see it that everybody marry someone who adds value to their lives (Money, beauty, domestics etc.)

If you are looking at it on men's side, they will defo say 'domestics, beauty' etc.

pickabeau1: Yep

beauty vs money



forget it..

So why women 'hypergamy' and nothing coined for the men?

Is it an age old tactics of making women feel guilty of their choices?

@forget it: I seriously did not get it

ihedinobi2: I like to think that the information explosion and culture of rebellion and re-examination that started within the last two hundred years in the West is too obvious to miss.

The culture of questioning standards and traditions started gaining strength in Africa in the 20th century, about the time that African countries started to agitate for political self-actualization.

Obviously then, our grandmothers' wisdom suddenly was no longer all the little impressionable girls had to work with. You can exercise your imagination on what followed.

If you call rejecting age long trash as rebellion,

I am 100% for it

pickabeau1: bukatyne

i dont see any bashing here.. just plain reality... just that it predates grandmothers,,

if u had all u wrote above in your head all this while, why all the roundabout questions since trying to disprove hypergamy

its natural

I used fore, Ihedinobi2 wanted grand

Everybody wants to marry someone who will add value to them. What that value is differs.

So I do not see the need to single out that of women

pickabeau1: I dont blame them..im just saying it as it is.. ladies should not appropriate the word potential as the meaning of the word is miles apart from what they think it is.
Or rather they are interested in the potential growth of current earning capacity i.e. Future Earning Potential

bukatyne.. can the bolded help you understand where d pity is

That they marry bad husbands?

Are all poor men good?

Or am I missing your point?

Nashville: Fantastic point here. I think the solution is actually to empower the women and make them realise they do not need a man to be successful. Make them understand that they can achieve anything a man can achieve and even more. I had a female colleague in the UK who was earning about 120,00 pounds a year. The day I met her fiancee, I was shocked. The guy was a dance instructor making about 25,000 pounds a year. And damn, this girl was dead gorgeous and both looked soo happy together.

Truth is that, my colleague does not need a man to make a big difference in her finances. Her job paid her more than enough to date or marry any guy she wanted; and her focus was being with a guy she loved, rather than a rich dude. And I repeat, this girl was damn pretty.

She got a fantastic dude bro

Coupled with the fact that they are not saddled with the 'man must earn higher to be the head' and other ridiculous beliefs.

The man must have been very comfortable in his skin too

Nashville: Ok, so I agree that our values as a socitey has changed - for the worse may be. So guys will do yahoo yahoo, 419, credit card fraud, just to make money big time and attract the hottest girls. And as for the girls, it's money for hand - back for ground.

So I ask you, why did our ladies change to "it's all about money for marriage".

Let me describe a guy. Say he finished with a pass - very slow guy, lives a reckless life and can't even hold a job. Even his father wouldn't employ him. But his father is a billionaire and this guy has alot of money to spend currently and even much more to inherit. Would our 9ja ladies find this guy very attractive? Does he have potential to our ladies?

To some ladies, if he adds finesse & swag in bed, he will be an extremely hot cake; to others, he is hot enough.

So you ask me, why did our ladies change to "it's all about money for marriage".

In all honesty, lot of women then passed through hell in their marriages in our grannies' time and quickly learnt that marrying a man without wealth is double tragedy; (if the marriage will be bad at least, let the money be there to provide comfort). No be today that men started cheating on their wives or beating; beating is actually phasing out now and emotional abuse taking its place. This is not to say the women were saints though.

The advice of women been patient to take the poo of their hubbies did not start from today either; it has been a long age advice which women used to console themselves. You hear 'all men cheat'; 'open your heart for all possibilities'; 'don't let another women enjoy all you have suffered for'; 'the devil is at work'; 'people are jealous you are married' etc. Polygamy was also rampant so wife is free until it is her turn.

Some women who married poor men with the hope of growing with them got burnt. When bros became rich, the first way to celebrate is marry new wifey and all what the old wife worked for down the drain (Maybe this is one of the reasons I detest polygamy). This story is repeats itself daily. Women now sat back and reasoned 'if I will suffer all these, why not with a rich man?' Except the man is extra ordinary, his wealth will rub off on his wife. That's why it is said "Better to cry in BWM than cry/laugh on okada" Mothers started arming their daughters on how to get good and caring husbands aka rich men.

Unfortunately, there were good men who did not have much as per wealth and they were shunned by women (Truth be told, a typical Niger guy does all doable to woo a lady. I give them kudos for that and they manifest after marriage) because 'suru o lere' anymore and everyone wants 'olorunsogo'. When they became wealthy, they would decide to 'revenge' for their hurt causing a terrible cycle.

I find it irritating when a man woos a lady with 'I will spend on you; take care of you(money) etc.' Like seriously? don't you have anything else to offer?

Like I will say candidly, 'any woman who believes that 'all' men are cheats, abusers, etc. should marry a rich man because they would must likely marry cheats/abusers'. The money will cushion the effect.

In all honesty, it is 100% better to marry a rich bad husband than a poor bad one.





(This is not to bash men; abeg I nor get the strength for arguement)

pickabeau1: Just an aside..even then,, most will be scared of being walked across a street by a stranger
Maybe na silver spoon u get

In the morning/afternoon in the open?

I don't think so

pickabeau1: Not waking up... those who are doing so are just expressing frustration and another group may be expressing pity for girls who lost a good guy due to the lust for wealth
As i said much earlier.. i know the score

How do you know those guys would make good husbands?

Nashville: Good point. As I always say, we are all products of the same society. So if it means most of our girls are all about money can we isolate the guys? Does that not also mean, most guys today are all about money and are willing to flaunt it in everyone's faces? Does it also mean guys choose their male friends based on financial status? But then, if the guys were all about money, wouldn't they be attracted to rich women only; hoping to milk them or use their connections rather than marrying women below them financially? Difficult questions.

But Bukky, please clarify. You said most mother trained their daughters to look for potential in men, yet they are advising against marrying men with potential. That sounds contradictory. Please clarify.

I said our grandmothers were willing to marry men without potentials but advised their daughters to marry men with potentials (potentials = wealth here)

You got the gist of my point. It is simplistic to say women of today like money most; the question is why?

On my way to work one day, I saw a little girl wanting to cross the road on her way to school and I held her hand to cross. You needed to see how she grabbed her hands off mine and ran away after crossing. No thank you or any thing. It will be foolish of me to say that 'children of today are rude or ungrateful'; I just shook my hand in sorrow at what Nigeria has become.

Her reaction was obviously what her parents have taught her and its for her own good. I remember at her age, I would said thank you and the adult would have probably engaged me on my school et al till we parted.

If I tried that, she might have shouted kidnapper


Why did women change to 'it's all about the money for marriage'

pickabeau1: On the contrary it is not new

In the old days, the scion of rich men or those who had large farms/barns had both the pick of the women in quality and quantity
Exceptions to these wer artists who were opportuned toget breaks or were favored by rich patron

Its always been about the money

So why the sudden complaint?

Are the men just waking up?

ihedinobi2: I think you mean our grandmothers. The preoccupation with material well-being and comfort is relatively new.

And my question is 'why this preoccupation'?

Afterall, values are passed down from our fore/grandmothers to us

Why don't we all dig deep into this 'potentials' talk?

If our fore mothers were willing to marry 'non-potential' men and somehow things got twisted to ladies only marrying men that have 'potentials' or 'manifestation', what do we think went wrong?

Keep in mind that most mothers trained their daughters to look for potentials in men

What do you think made mothers willing to marry non-potential advice their daughters against marrying same?

Lol!

Checking in advance

We are good, thanks

ileobatojo: **Ahem**

Buka, what are you doing in this thread?

Congratulations are in order?

*Was checking out the food section and saw you as the last poster so I came in.*




We're doing fine dear. Thanks a lot.

Hope you and hubby are doing good?

moca: Buky Buky, I full ground o
I can see u r glowing
Lovely!

I'm preparing for omugwo
I can't wait

LOL!

Thought the NL tsunami swept you away for good

Be preparing o!

miredia: Equality is relative.

Bros, not willing to pursue in order not to derail the thread

Notice my post was close ended.

moca: Choose one that compliments u, that's all and work as a team.
Shikena

Yellowpawpaw, how are you

ihedinobi2: Yes they do. Earlier in my journey through understanding a lot about this whole marriage affair, I insisted that a wife cannot be a piece of furniture in the house which just happens to be able to cook, clean, provide great sex and have babies. I never really abandoned that but I did get close when I went to war against feminism.

I will gladly stand on the fact that women were created with enormous ability just as gladly as I will stand on the fact that she is not therefore equal to a man.

In that particular passage, I saw a woman tending her home, administrating her home and managing wide-ranging businesses and I promise you I've seen this in real life and found it tremendously surprising. And I like it very much. I just think it is tragic when people claim that women have to be equal to men to do all of that.

You do not believe a man & woman is equal?

Ok, then

As far as it works for you

ihedinobi2: Thank you kindly.

If my post did, it was not intended. In the paragraph where I said the woman should choose a man who has a vision that she believes in I also said that she should choose him because she is working on such a vision. It should be a combination of energies for a common goal, not the foisting of a goal upon her. That was the idea that I meant to pass across.

You are welcome

dBard: read her 6th comment, that might explain d guys disposition.

Basically agree wit ur observations tho

This is her 6th comment

Girl: I’d feel like I just wasted four years of my life if this is not heading anywhere

Was the guy not supposed to reassure her?

Godmystrength: out of shock, i was only able to catch a crocodile and some crabs...

ihedinobi2: Very good question indeed and thanks for the compliment.

A woman can hardly support a vision if it is not truly native to her. In other words, it is because a woman has a particular vision of her own that she can choose to support a man with whom she finds resonance.

Thank you for the clarification and I quite agree

Your post suggested otherwise but again it is about choosing the right husband.

I have never seen marriage as an end too; that's why I never got the 'I choose marriage over a, b, c for ladies'.

God is not a waster of resources and I do not believe He will create us to wake up, cook, clean, feed, etc. for a lifetime

Welldone

ihedinobi2: I knew you'd get it. I have to confess though, I don't deliberately try to make it hard for people to read stuff I write when I want to have a serious discussion. It's just that the very nature of serious discussions turn unserious people away. Not my fault really, is it?


I'm very honored that you found it inspiring. The way I think about things is first what the Bible says and then what our history says and then how times have changed. It's why I'm uncompromising about the kind of woman I will entrust my life to. My whole life is one project and I have no wish to hand it over to an untrustworthy, immature person.


Actually, I said that even the fact that the world has become very remarkably complex has not altered human nature at all. Thus there is no real change required. The principles are still the same even if their expressions have to be adapted to obtaining realities.


About this, I thought hard about it. You know how terribly grasping women get in a divorce, particularly in the West, insisting that they contributed and thus must have a share of the estate and stuff like that. In my home, an older bro had a bad outing in marriage and he lived in the West and married a Westerner. He lost his houses in the divorce to the lady. That was maybe early 90s or late 80s, I'm not sure. I'm hearing it still right here on NL and on the news.

Here in Nigeria, you still hear women claiming that they did this or that, introduced the man to one person or another or spent whole nights in prayer and fasted for one endeavor of his or another and thus they helped to create his success and have a claim in it. Honestly, I have more of that in my experience than the opposite. Women claim co-ownership of the outcome (or seeming outcome or products) of their romantic partnerships and marriages. They like to.



I agree with you. I remember Ruth's story. Orpah was yet young and she was not looking to suffer for the rest of her life so after paying the necessary lip service to escorting Naomi back to Israel, she took the first chance her mother-in-law gave her to head back home to find a better deal.

Cultural systems were put in place to manage the female lust for ease and comfort. In very many cultures, betrothal was a huge deal. You just didn't default on that. You did not. Simple. Terrible consequences awaited default. Many, in fact, secured their daughter's future with a betrothal from birth. It was just not conceived that she would head in some other direction.

It's mostly in modern times when youth have so much free rein that you find them hopping around. I think that has a lot to do with some basic existential education systems that have been lost. We tend to not know what life is about and what to do with ourselves so we multiply foolishness and are forever concocting frighteningly vacuous arguments to excuse it.


Yes indeed, they do. And you're right. My approach to that now is not to appeal to morality directly but to appeal to inert human tendencies. Unless of course it is with religious-minded people I'm speaking.

About Proverbs 31, my tender from there is how the virtuous woman is shown to be a master homemaker, a strong administrator and an enterprising business person...all at once. It took a while for me to get with that, honestly.

A lot of people quote that scripture to define a good wife aka housewife

I used it as a base for one article I wrote about wives/women back in University

In summary,

A man to marry is one that has a vision
A woman to marry is one who supports the vision


Just a question OP: What of women who have visions? Your write up seems to suggest that only men have vision/drive. I may be wrong though,

It is a very interesting read I must say

Depends solely on the intending husband