₦airaland Forum

Cococandy,

If a woman grew up in a home where her father battered her mother and they still came out to say they are 'happily' married, why do you think she will see a battering fiancee as evil?

Until we overhaul the whole system and people have worthy examples at home not 'my parents have been married for donkey years', the problem just started.

cococandy: I still think the Nigerian woman owes it to herself to take the bulls by the horn and walk when she is being maltreated.
Granted that she won't get divorce settlement and child care allowances like her mates in the overseas,but if more women stood up to nonsense more and more,it will set trend that discourages up-coming females from seeing themselves as helpless victims who can't take care of themselves.


Which leaves me to wonder. Are there no female law makers in Nigeria? How they don't see this issue as one to be addressed is beyond me.
If these serial abusers have to be responsible for their kids and settle their spouses in cases of divorce caused by abuse,they'll think well before battering their wives.

lulu69: @bukatyne - when you say I am mixing issues it will be preferred if you highlighted the aspect of my confusion by quoting a part of the article and proferring a solution or contrary view point. Don't just say ur observation without prof.

Apologies

I will do so

Missmossy: Too much i must say,its quite obvious that most women who do white collar jobs often resume quite early.

Haven't heard of any that resumed 6 months after. 3 months of leave is usually the most commonest for nursing mothers.

Since this is from the govt, it has no impact on their careers

Missmossy: Six months kwa! Too much for a career woman.

Too much or too small

My fear is that there will be discrimination against employing women of child bearing age. It would be good if they make it more like work from home after the 3rd or 4th month

Nice write up but the writer is mixing up been submissive to been subordinate

armyofone: True....I think America is the only country with a good strong support system for battered women.

The only time everyone advices a battered woman to leave or seperate temporarily is when she's in the grave.

Our society sees nothing in it no matter the seemingly public outcry against it

While the woman in the OP is right, it is not clearly black and white but then again, she is talking based on her society

shizzle11: Haaaa! buka dis hypoyhesis u're sharing, diarris.......

Godu oooo!

Lolz

Trying to be of immerse help to the OP

Naetochukwu: Please I wanna know if it is Possible for one to categorically state that a particular guy or lady is capable of cheating in marriage by his or her Behaviour/lifestyle while single.

Look at the spot behind your partner's ears and see if there is a dark spot

If yes and your partner is fair, quickly put an end to the relationship
If ysa and partner is dark, check if his/her nose is big. If yes: run; If no: reconsider

If no and partner is fair, you are covered
If no and partner is dark, check is his/her middle finger is thick. If yes: stay; If no: run.

Consult me for further clarification

ihedinobi2: Thought I should share this with you though:

www.nairaland.com/1114515/christian-chatbox-sticky/440#24566516

It's a study on Proverbs 31:10-31. I'll edit this post to include the link later.

I went to the link to enable me quote your post. Thanks for the acknowledgement


The virtuous woman is what the Proverbs 31 woman is called. She is nothing short of amazing. And she is powerful, economically speaking. The Bible does not mince words in describing her economic ability. This woman "perceiveth that her merchandise is good". She's got everything planned and everyone provided for. Her husband does not lose sleep over the well-being of his household. He is confident in her ability to take care of the house.

But you need to note too that he "is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land". That is a very significant statement. Back in Bible times when this proverb was written, city councils were held at the gates of the city and there were prominent "statesmen" known as the elders of the land whose words were held in high esteem. A council held without them meant very little indeed. And this woman's husband is numbered among them. This tidbit is so important that if you don't get it, you'll ruin the whole economic rights issue.

One example of such a man was Boaz, King David's great-grandfather (Ruth 4:13-17). You'll note that he was a stupendously wealthy man as well as a wise and kind man. You'll need to read the whole book of Ruth (it's a short book of four chapters, never fear) to really get why he is called wise here. Another example was Job whose testimony of himself was that he was a colossus among his people. We all know that Job was the wealthiest man among his people and the most righteous too. Whether he was a fictitious character or not actually doesn't matter, what matters is the concept that people of those times held in their minds about the elders in the gates and Job was wealthy, wise and a defender of the weak (Job 29:7-25). The general characteristics of men who sat in the gates among the elders and were known, that is, respected and held in high esteem, were that they were not men of meagre means; they were wise and they were defenders of the weak.

This is the sort of man to whom the Proverbs 31 woman is seen to be married. Do you see why it makes no sense that increased financial ability for a man should translate into idle consumptiveness for his wife? The Proverbs 31 woman is said to not eat the bread of idleness. She knows how to manage and, wait for it, increase her hubby's wealth.

If you are getting a bit impatient now and wondering where we start talking about rights, hold your horses just a bit longer, please. You see, rights are only one side of a coin whose other side is responsibility. Remove responsibility and it isn't right that we are talking about, it's just abuse.

Having said that, it is obvious that the Bible takes for granted that the woman is free to pursue her economic interests. The thing to note here is that these interests are not in isolation from her responsibilities as the mother of a home and wife of a man. You can see how the two are woven together. The husband's heart "doth safely trust in her". He's not afraid for the condition of the finances of his house. He knows that wifey can handle and is handling them just fine. She's "considering businesses and buying them or into them", she's making good merchandise, she's not wasting time on idle chitchat, rather she's finding new opportunities to expand the family's holdings. In those times of need, she doesn't worry because her house is well provided for. All her work and endeavor ensures that the wealth that her husband brings in is not only put to good use but it is even further increased.

Obviously, this kind of woman would put a lot of the women who rip their homes apart because of a career to shame. This is because she's obviously achieving what they want to achieve and keeping her marriage and a sublime home into the bargain.

Yes, the question does arise whether every man can be like the Proverbs 31 man. They sure can but they aren't all like him. Like this amazing Proverbs 31 woman, he too is hard to find. But it takes a man like him for a woman like her to blossom. Consider it, whatever may be said about gender inequality and whatnot, hardly any serious player in any sector of an economy would treat the wife of a powerful man shabbily because she's a woman when she tries to do business with him. She and he are one. You insult her you insult him as well.

Now, of course, women have been told by feminists today that leveraging on your husband is a weak thing to do. Besides, Girl power and all that. But the world is in the state of madness that it is today because of the confusion of roles. Feminism pretty much forbids a woman to use a man as a covering in certain situations and in others it insists that the man must be used as a covering. It's a case of schizophrenia. It is wise to pick one and leave the other: either a man is a covering to a woman or he is not. He can't be a covering when it suits her and not a covering when it doesn't.

And what have leveraging on one's husband got to do with this? Honestly, I do not see what feminism has got to do with the topic at hand.

Hard work and ambition suits women just fine. But according to the Scriptures, they should be tailored to suit her place in the home as wife and mother. And when she is unmarried, she should not be idle either. After all, the man's their home is not supposed to be her finishing school. If you remember Rebecca, her industry was the proof that Abraham's servant required to know that she was the one that God had appointed for his master's son. Managing wealth is at least as challenging as making it. And managing it properly will lead to increase in it. Rebecca proved by her industry that she not only understood and respected wealth, she valued it and was driven to maintain it. She did not learn that as Isaac's wife but as Bethuel's daughter (Genesis 24:12-25).

Now there is no doubt that in this world, this current spiritual system, the rule is that the strong consume the weak so generally where men can they may deny a woman the right to develop in economic ability. That is not the way of Christ as we are seeing from the Scriptures. The woman should learn right from her father's house to appreciate wealth, to preserve it and to increase it.

If she also learns to make it, no harm is done as long as she understands the separation of roles. What separation of roles?

For when both man and woman are out making wealth, nobody is building the home and raising the children to follow noble paths. As we see in Proverbs 31, this woman is carrying out commerce that covers large "geographies" but she is still vitally in touch with her home, rising very early to ensure that everyone is provided for. She sees to the needs of her children, the needs of her household staff if she has any and so on.

The woman's ability to successfully multitask is what makes all of that possible. And having a man who prices her as highly as the Proverbs 31 man does means that at the end of a day's work she doesn't feel bitter and drained because he will pamper her and restore her spirits with his sweet attentions.

We have lost a lot from closing our Bibles but in mercy the Lord is opening them up again for us. We can see now that romance can keep burning throughout marriage when roles are recognized, respected and played well. No man with any appreciation for his manly dignity will attempt to stifle the economic growth of his woman and no woman with any love for her womanhood would attempt to compete with the man from whom she derives meaning and security.

The bolded means?

Also, no man would leave the earth without ensuring properly that his wife will not be exploited in his absence.


For Your Word given in such great mercy and sympathy, we thank You, Father and ask that according to Your Word You may cause us to walk in it without wavering. Thank You, Father for hearing us. Amen.


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Ok I have read your post and I am wondering where it ties up into our discourse. Infact, it only proves that men were never called to be 'sole breadwinners' as I believe that the Proverbs 31 woman is one that women ought to emulate.

My thoughts: Men should learn to ease up; everything in life is not a competition. Just as a man has desires, ambitions etc. a woman does too and it is left for both of them to tailor and fine tune their strengths to achieve their vision(s). God has deposited different gifts into a couple coming together in matrimony (not generic gender gifts but distinct gifts which if they are patient/insightful will see cover up for each other's weaknesses) and it is left for them to harness their gifts.

If Omotola was not a well known actress, nobody would have known Ekeinde; Same as Dora and several other prominent women.

The home/marriage is like a pool; everyone deposits their resources (financial, spiritual, mental, social, physical) etc. for the progress/upliftment of the home

It is well

ihedinobi2: I'll start with the text I colored. This is not an argument that I have with you or anybody here. If you know any place where I have expressed the opinion that a man needs to earn more than his wife to be respected by her, by all means produce it. As far as I'm concerned, nothing you have written pertaining to who earns more than the other is addressed to me so forgive me for choosing not to respond to it.

You have subtly hinted at it (I am not the first poster here with that idea, that says something)

Now, my interest is this claim of yours that nowhere in the Bible is the man named the head of the woman because he is the breadwinner. I totally agree. What the Bible does, at least, imply is that being the head he is the breadwinner as well. And you have pointed out the governing Scripture that clearly enunciates that. I think it is rather interesting that you should regard "man" in that portion of Paul's letter to Timothy as corresponding to "man" in his other letter to the Corinthians. It is interesting considering that the context has women in it too.

Which context has women, please show it

I also find rather interesting and adequate your mention of Proverbs 31. Did you perchance notice the man in it and what that passage says of him? Why does his heart safely trust in his wife? Why is he described as "known in the gates when he sitteth with the elders of the land"?

Does him trusting his wife & sitting at the gate make him the breadwinner? Should a wife not trust her husband?

Two more things and this post will be done. Respect per your definition is admiration that results from an ability etc. If your husband is able by himself to cater for you and your little ones, do you consider that admirable?

It is not part of what is admirable in a husband to me (I not saying it is not admirable). Anybody can provide; my parents did that before I was independent; me earning my own pay places me in that position too

Second, you said that it is only that place in 1 Timothy that the Bible attributed breadwinning to men. Let's assume you're indeed right (it really isn't, but since I know of no other place with the same obviousness, I won't push it), do you know of any place where it does attribute breadwinning to the woman? Like I said, I can give you multitude places that would require commentary to show that indeed the Bible places breadwinning at the man's door, so if you give me any place that you have to explain to show me that women have the same duty, I will only answer you with counter-interpretations as well.

I was actually saying that Paul did not attribute breadwinning to men alone in that passage else other passages with 'men' will have spoken to men alone. Nowhere was breadwinning attributed to the woman alone. My point is that no where was breadwinning attributed to one sex alone. I would like to see the passages that lay breadwinning solely at the husband's door

Sorry this is coming late

carefreewannabe: Don't act like it made sense to you

The issue with his write up is that he wants to teach his niece to be a wife which is good (But unfortunately, she is only going to be married to one man so what happens to the rest of her life)?

uplawal: Now i know the origin of woman slavery is from the bible,if you go to some parts of Africa,Zimbabwe,uganda,south africa etc and eastern parts of Nigeria,women do farming like slaves and most of their men stay at home drinking.

And what is slavery in a wife working to contribute to the home or am I missing something?

According to your logic, working wives are slaves?

Very insightful post

jpphilips: coogar chose to forget that the good girls dont even need your money, most of them Will rather spend theirs on you, the only thing they ask of men is total commitment to the relationship which unfortunately, most men have failed irredeemably.

be that as it may, most of them have been hurt in the past which has greatly murdered the good in them.

you dont need to be successful to have a good woman. its only a woman can define what she wants from a guy. but if she is a good one, believe me, money wont make that list.

a woman sent a prayer request to the pastor asking for God to demote her husband from a regional manager to a branch manager.

the pastor immediately summoned the couple for counselling.

first was the man, after the pastor told him the wife's prayer point. the man called it a bluff that they built their home together, she cant wish for his downfall.

the pastor invited the wife now with husband present. she said and i quote

" as a branch manager, we never lacked anything, my husband is a good man and that position is not for Good people, the money and influence is too much for my husband. pls pastor, i dont want him to change. this promotion is the devil in our marriage help me cast it away"

the pastor was confused so was the man. the next day the sharp guy rejected the appointment.

the problem is too much hunger makes African women to be thinking weird.
they glorify begging in the name of socialization, they do a lot of sh!!t for money.

some parents are not helping matters too. while parent A is teaching her daughter that asking for BB is begging.

parent B is telling hers that she is a sharp gal. in the end, too much confusion amongst the gals fold.

most bad mothers hardly make good daughters use it as a litmus test in your hunt.

most times, that gal may wish to marry you but her mum Will turn her compass around.

there are still good ones out there but u need to do some serious digging.

believe me, finding a wife is not as diff as most Nigerians think it is, what we suffer most is misplaced priorities.

during a bachelors party 4yrs ago. the bride called the groom a heartless fool out of annoyance in public.
because the man refused to allow her share the expensive drinks meant for reserved guests for the wedding to her friends.

the chairman of the wedding who happens to be a friend to the groom's late dad was pissed off and he asked the bride to apologize.

the chick blatantly refused, even when we told her that she is insulting the chairman with her refusal. she kept adamant, not even the persuation of her friends whom she intended to please could make her budge.

guess what, chairman vex comot with his driver, the gal no shake, guests begin disapperar one one. she no send, she even called us hungry people that night.

later one of us told the groom that the girl is not a wife material, do you know what he said,

"you envy me because you know my "lovely" wife is a virgin"

abeg help me ask how virginity complements for gross insurbordination?

that was the priority of a man.

so sad

Apatheist: Biblical misogyny.
This is in contradiction with the Bible -- see the Bible verses above.

What is Biblical misogyny?

What contradicts the Bible? Women becoming bishops?

edwife: That is what is needed in today society,the church as well as parents need to teach both women and men about marriage.They both have the same contribution to make in order to have a successful union.

It is simple,give and receive.

God help us

edwife: I tell you

I went to one bookstore and saw a book "The Proverbs 31 man" and I was like really?

The author was trying to explain that only the Proverbs 31 man can bring out the Proverbs 31 woman

Most Nigerian Churches are very very guilty of teaching only women like they are living with ghosts. Women convention; women conference; Women seminar etc. with teaching the men and they are wondering why their marriages are same old same old

edwife: And these are some of the comments I read from differents blogs since the message was sent out.

Very funny responses,and I know Nairaland will not deceive me.

Waiting patiently

Extremely funny

Some wise men will read quietly and learn from it

Double post

feedthenation: What about the powerful messages for married women?

What do you want them to hear that they have not heard all their lives

@Tony Rapu, keep the good work going. We have too many over trained women with clueless/untrained men

@OP:

What were the reasons of not having a female bishop? Was it as a result of their natural bias? If yes, then it is a welcome development else they should pray about it and wait for God's leading

honeric01: When you have those who look up to you at home and you stay out late because you want to be paid and promoted at work to me is selfishness. that's what I'm driving at.

Ok

honeric01: The "you" was not directed at you, hence the "", only for those who fit into the bracket or do you fit?

A caveat at the end would have sufficed

It is one trackness to think it is only selfishness or trying to compete with hubby that makes women stay out long hours. Working a job is very different from building a career.

I have an aversion to staying out late. I leave home the latest possible time and leave at the earliest I can after I am satisfied I have done a good day's job.

honeric01: If life throws "you" a lemon, aren't "you" suppose to make lemonade outta it? is anyone putting a gun on any women's head to work in places where "logistics" is bad? are there no women actually living and working on these "environment" who still have time for their kids? and what makes "you" think i don't know life is not white and black?

We can always find excuses for why we don't want to do what we ought to do when selfish and self-centered, we want to have it all and keep chasing shadows while the society keeps getting worse through decaying sense care, interpersonal relationship with our loved ones e.t.c.

Why should a woman take up any job that warrants her leaving home by 5:30 am and coming home by 9-10 pm when she's not the breadwinner?

If "you" think "you" have no choice but to take up jobs with this schedule, i would advice "you" don't get married at all so the country and the society at large won't be burdened with wayward kids from dysfunctional homes/homes without care, attention or role models.

Marriage and having kids should be reserved only to selfless people who are not greedy and self-centered.

Bros,

This is not about me and don't make it so

You asked a question and I gave you a answer

When you see people with such arrangements, you can advice their husbands to divorce them and marry selfless wives

@OP:

You are not married and this the time for you to really reflect on the kind of life you want to live

You know that

1. Fiancee is a player/not trustworthy (HIV test + banning him from seeing girls)

2. Misery /distrust will be your companion if you continue with the arriage plans

3. That your hubby to be is not going to change

You must be prepared for the following if you marry him

1. Live with his infidelity and associate hurt without complaint

2. Be second fiddle (doesnot matter you are the one he married)

What can you do?

1. Call off the traditional wedding

2. Postpone and involve his family in your issues. Give ample to see he changes before proceeding

All the best

Motixsis: Pls...Kindly read the WHOLE writeup... You're welcome.

I have but I was responding to your post because it was general

I have commented on the OP previously

Motixsis: This is the typical mindset of an ignorant man who suffers from nothing more than insecurity.

A man who wants his wife to spend time with him & kids is not insecure