₦airaland Forum

Ngokafor: ...i guess there are more murderers than sane folks then,cos cheating amongst married men in our society has gotten to an epidermic level ..women are still learners in the game till tomorrow..

...@op you can go ahead and expose the cheating wife as per 'close pals leve'l however way you deem fit if the husband in question is not a cheat himself...otherwise simply mind your business and leave the cheating couple to their devices.

Chillisauce: Will be coming in to chip in how to maintain that body. An easy way that won't take much of your time daily.

Ideas on healthy living, eating good, exercise, sleep routine and give your self treat in buying a more se xy ling.

cococandy: This our lingerie thread. It must come back to life o.
Edwife
Chillisauce
Efemena XY
Lyndaroyce.
Byvan
Bukatyne.



pls don't give up the sexy

Bigsteveg: Ssmmmhhhh

davidif: One thing the veterans of the gender wars: feminist movement from the late 60's and 70's are beginning to discover is that you can't have it all indeed. You can't eat your cake and have it. Unfortunately, some of them found out too late.

Now, the younger women like chimamanda adichie and co. (That also includes some nairalanders here ) who are relatively new to feminism and are still in its honeymoon phase and are so excited about it are willing to spread its message and principles with zeal at times. Years from now,when they pass that honeymoon phase, what sets in might be disillusionment and regret but by then it's already too late.

Hopefully, they would heed the words of wisdom from this woman and learn from this. It seems that every decade, there is always some new ideas or movement that springs up and excites a lot of people but after a while people they get tired and move on to the next fad.

Now, I am not against women having equal rights or anything as I hate people being oppressed, I am just against the excesses of militant feminism.

Bigsteveg: Seems ure to be big for correction, kip it up

pickabeau1: If u dont have strengh.. dont curse

Anyone u talk... na back to sender

U can never make objective points without insulting

on top forum matter na to dey call people mad...

Make clean clear comments without proverbs that have double meaning

bukatyne

damiso: Hi bukatyne

I agree that treating kids equally helps because as I said it was not until later university I think that I perceived this women are oppressed thing.

I actually dont think all African women suddenly embracing feminism is the solution to the problem as the movement (whether we call them fringe or not ) have had the radical ones being a the more vocal parties especially in the west.Even Alice walker coined another term "womanism" just to distance themselves from the rhetoric of the more radical elements.They jist whine and moan about silly things now like I have the right to be naked or why is beyonce calling herself Mrs Carter cos she sang independent women ages ago


I know its not a popular opinion but women themselves in a way have actually perpuatated this subjugation by being their own worst enemies.Alot of Naija women (not all) really really do not mind the patriarchal construct.I have had so many women say they prefer a male lecturer or boss to a female one even when its obvious that the male one might not necessarily be the better more qualified candidate.I had a female boss that alot of people hated.Gosh people hated v soo much "see her carry work ontop head' " dont go and marry' " no wonder she is not married' and most of these were by women.I wont lie I thought she was overly harsh when I worked with her from afar but when i was seconded to head office and worked more closely with her I just realised she was a stickler for excellent work ethic no time for excuses. But those girls prefered the male managers who they would just be laughing with, taking extended lunches while they flicked their weaves and laughed sheepishly because they knew those feminine wiles wont work on V. Some naija women actually like the idea of them using their feminity to get what they want so I think we are on a long thing if we think embracing feminism will solve the problem.Take a typical naija gal (me included back in the day ) and ask to go dutch automatic loser na dat guy be.

pickabeau1: Buka.. using uncomplimentary language to prove points runs counter to your dogma of religion here
Why refer to people as mad
I was the one who posted amber rose and she is a beautiful woman..im entitled to post it

remember cursing is not a prerogative of anyone

crackhaus: Seems like that at first read.

TheMadame: Rule one.
Please post on topic. Dont derail or tribalize topics.

Rule 5.
Dont post pornographic or disgusting pictures on any section of Nairaland.

At least if you disagree with the OP you can open your own thread where you post pictures of half clad women.
Could you guys explain how these pictures in any way help this thread?

damiso: Abeg make una go open another thread for una eyecandy Mr pickabeau and co were you not supposed to be watching the beautiful game

Hi lorretta I just thought to comment to add my two cents.I read the article and even if did not read I think I have shared on these boards that I studied Femininsm from the academic view point(my final year degree project was on feminism in Islam) and I wrote and researched my project myself(too stingy to pay 50k to get someone to write it for me lol ) so i studied it and know the reasons for the advent of the movement.So yeah your article makes valid points but I just want to digress a bit.

I think I read somewhere you said one of the things that made you embrace the feminist ideology was that you were denied a position you were more qualified for simply because you were a girl.That is not on but I will share my own experiences which is similar to that of a lot of girls I know and as such why I don't think not nececesarily wanting to be called a feminist in any way means you believe women should be shackled.

I grew up around very very strong women in positions of authority.My paternal grandmother was not western educated Infact she sold pepper in her local market(you know those big time pepper traders that had to go the north) and gradually became the iyaloja(I think its called head of market in English) of her neck of the woods and male local government chairmen had to defer to her.My mum is from ijebu and I am not lying when I say ALOT of the women from her side of the family are extremely strong women(there is even an unfair stereotype that ijebu women jazz their husbands ) women who were never treated inferior both at home and in the workplace.My mum rose to management level of a govt parastatal and at the time of her leaving the MD was female,they had female executive directors and a lot of women around me were just doing as well as the men.My primary school proprietress was female and was in a position of authority over the headmaster who was male.My secondary school principal was female with a male vice so I had examples of females in authority around me and as such was not even an issue of women always being beneath men.


As I have shared on here I was also lucky to have a father who helped myself and my sister believe in ourselves,My brother is the only boy and he was never treated like he was better than us, my mum would send him to go grind pepper and my dad would tell me to go put on the generator so it was never a gender issue in our household but who was available at the time.My brother used to grumble though that none of his friends were sent to grind pepper when there girls or house help in the house(was apparently picking it up in their houses ) but that was his business cos my parents never listened . My grandmother was the first child of her father and had equal inheritance as her brothers.My mum even though from a polygamous background had as much say in what happened as her brothers and in short decisions were not made without her input.My grandmother resisted being married off to my grandfathers brother after his death and nobody did anything to her.


I was head of literary and debating society in primary /secondary school,my deputy was a boy.I was also part of the quiz team and sometimes led us to quiz competitions.We had head boy and head girl and they were both as influential as the other(went to mixed secondary school).Male and female prefects were the same.I led teams (as long as I was the more capable person) and so maybe I was lucky and shielded a bit from that patriarchal construct of males being ahead of females growing up but it truly was never an issue for me. I was just taught to be the best I could be,run my own race,not let anybody try to bruise my self esteem,believe in myself and not feel entitled.I believe those ideals are what is best we teach our children(both genders)and not try to teach the girl child that you might to have always fight for respect and the boy child you are inherently better.I have one of each gender and I hope We are able to impart those values into them.

njokusboy: . Chelu godi, wait, biko.... So when the husband doesn't cook and waits for the wife, it automatically means he doesnt love her?

Bigsteveg: Tell me, how can u rise to d position of a CEO when u cant even manage ur home properly, cos dis ur comment shows a kind of ego in it, and perhaps, try read it from d top again slowly, u might see dat u mis-understand the article

crackhaus: Good points you want to try out OR good points to never try out?

I think this zboyd character needs to just state explicitly what the purpose of the post is.

afrolearn: Zboyd, we get it. It is good to hear these perspectives but we should also read more into what these articles are saying.

In Nigeria, we sometimes force unions that should not be. The man or woman that keeps straying should be left alone to stray and then settle down with the person they "really" want. Instead of giving the spouse the opportunity to contract a disease. The man or woman who keeps beating up their spouse should be sent to a mental asylum instead of elders forcing him to go back to his wife. When the spouse is beaten to death, those same elders will be crying foul.
I am of the opinion that sincere marriages in the diaspora work. A good number of "failed" marriages are marriages of convenience. Do you know how many people get married for papers? Not to white girls o, to fellow Nigerians? Do you know how many men rush home to marry some girl they have not really interacted with and then expect her to come to the US and "conform"? Who even told us this works? If you will call leaving a cheating spouse or abusive spouse societal influence then so be it. Dr. Ndukwe is a researcher, he should look at the numbers properly. In the developed nations...some Nigerian marriages can not last because one spouse forgets that he/she (unfortunately usually he) is in a place that does not condone the maltreatment of a human being.

It is high time Nigerian men (because it is us that shout a lot) stop complaining about divorce rates and do what we can to move our homes forward. We are failing to be the heads, you should see how some African stores are filled with men sitting and idly making silly noises about nothing. I have counseled too some men who think "white girls are only for tasting", yet they have wives at home. We did a fellowship for married men at my Church and we spend time counseling each other on how to be better fathers and husbands. Our women are here working so hard to ensure their families have good lives and some of the men are doing their bid but all this whining we have going on is because our men are in a place where no one makes excuses for their behavior like it would be at home.

One more thing, at home divorce is not as rampant because it is still seen as a taboo. Instead of a divorce, the spouses live as roommates. The man might start a whole new life with another lady while the lady faces the children or starts seeing another man. But for the sake of "what people will say", they are still married. I am not sure how this is any better than what is happening outside the country.

I just feel we should look at why our homes are falling apart and stop trying to fly the "divorce is rampant in America because of societal influence".

cKaiser: Thats why its better for both to work and finance the house equally while also doing the chores equally. That would ensure that there is no cheating

crackhaus: The question came before the 'foot note', answer that first.

But hold up, you trying to say that a man who does not prepare something for his wife because he got home first, doesn't love her?

Still answer the question regarding that scenario though.

bukatyne: As per the note, they would have over communicated; she could cook when she can and register it at the back of her mind that her hubby doesnot love her
But as they say, love is not all that makes a marriage work

crackhaus: Bukatyne, your response is noted.

Now one question with regards to a sentence you made about coming back home to meeting your husband without any food prepared for you.

Question is:
What is left for a woman to do when she arrives home, meets her husband in bed or watching some TV program because he has not eaten and was waiting for the wife to get back. What is this woman to do?

Note:
This is not the first time it's happening, neither will it be the last.

crackhaus: It is his prerogative.
If he wants to do it, fine...and if he doesn't, nothing wrong. That's the reality of it, regardless of having a joint account.

Blessed be the woman married to him

And yes marriage is a partnership, no one is disputing that...but if sharing every single responsibility is your definition of partnership, then I'm sorry but you're wrong. Partnership is understanding what works for everyone involved and knowing when to adjust, it is not about sharing responsibilities equally right down the middle in 50/50 fashion.
Even with this joint account arrangement, it still may not be an exact 50/50 thing because if for instance the man earns 200k and his wife earns 150k, they won't contribute the exact same amount monthly...this is why I said nothing is ideal in this world, to believe otherwise is paramount to delusion.

Nobody has talked of sharing every single responsibility 50/50 at least, I have not . Even in a home that both do chores, a correct husband/wife will not wait for doing what he/she can do. I doubt a wife will wait for the hubby to washing clothes or cooking; I doubt hubby will want for wifey before clearing the sink etc. Just how you think it's a man's prerogative to do chores, some men see it as a duty just how some women see it as their duty to finance the home

A man will still do those chores his wife is incapable of doing like changing light bulbs, washing the cars, taking them for servicing, changing the oil in the generator, servicing the generator if he can, fixing broken fixture and furniture around the house, changing tires, plumbing, etc.... I really could go on and on... Basically, the husband is the first handyman on site; he is the electrician, the plumber, the mechanic, the contractor, the painter, the carpenter...Honestly, I could go on and on again.
But does a woman who believes in sharing responsibilities equally extend it to include all of this? The answer is NO, why? because women already believe it is the man's job and yet the man is crucified for restricting his involvement in kitchen duty.

Most people contract these jobs out and yea the wifey also carries pregnancy, breastfeed the babies etc. if you want do go that route

Like you said about knowing the person before you marry them, this is true but still it's not an absolute solution...people wake up with different feelings everyday and you can't possibly expect or think anyone is incapable of changing.

I hope the wife is allowed to change too

crackhaus: And when either A or B decides to wait and does not handle that thing before the other gets back, what happens then? Is it to be a cause of grudges and resentment?

Your example about paying bills is somewhat besides the point, but I'll indulge it by asking this question...
"How many men have you heard/seen/come across complaining or harboring a grudge because their wives did not pay the light/water/refuse bill compared to the number of women who complain and resent the idea that their husbands don't help out with house chores/cooking?"

I'll give a clue to the answer, no reasonable man would dare open his mouth to complain of such to anyone because he knows that by default, it's his responsibility.

This is my point... There are gender-specific roles, it's the reality whether we like it or not because thousands of years of evolution has made it so. The world is not ideal, heck nothing tangible in the world follows the laws of ideality except the intangible (gravity, mass, light, etc).

If a woman is lucky enough to have a husband who satisfies her in every nook and cranny of her life (still highly unlikely as y'all always find something to complain about), then good for her.
But for women married to men who find sharing the responsibility of chores/cooking/cleaning unimportant whether or not the wife works as much as he does (best believe, they many), then it's not a bad thing either because by default it is not what naturally comes to him.....thus, a sensible woman who values her marriage must not make it a big deal but instead try to get her husband to do little by being polite, respectful and humorous...this is how smart women deal with it, I've seen it happen a lot..sometimes the man even sees it as a new challenge and deliberately does the chore/cooking just to lighten the mood and get good laughs.

The summary is that a woman should not be making it like it's a must or a responsibility to do those.....I repeat, it is his prerogative just as it's a woman's prerogative to pay bills without waiting for her man to do it.

crackhaus: Missing the point again.. A hungry man who knows how to cook will prepare something for himself to eat or probably bring out something from the freezer already prepared and just heat it up.

Now you brought up the fixing dinner for his wife thing, this here is the misunderstanding. If he does it, nice, no stress...but a man who doesn't do that should not be labelled or attacked for it.
It is solely his prerogative to make dinner or not to, whether women like to hear it or not...that's just how it's been.

Also, if he decides to wait up for his wife and doesn't eat anything (maybe hunger never wire am)...will a good wife come back and go straight to bed without fixing dinner all because she wants to prove a point? like really?

crackhaus: In reference to the emboldened, I believe that is the message to be passed across here or maybe the most important one....and coming from a woman just makes it much more credible.

If a man (or her husband) had said that, I believe this thread would have taken a different turn by now. Some would have lambasted him for not getting the milk because he came home earlier, some would be quick to label him dominant, some might even go as far as calling him a caveman....but this here spoken by an experience woman speaks volumes.

A woman married into a home remains a woman with roles; she is a wife, a mother, a housekeeper, and a caretaker. It really doesn't matter if she earns a six-figure salary as the CEO in the article probably does or if she earns a few thousand.
I get irritated sometimes when I have to read some comments here by females claiming that if their husbands get home before them, he has to fix everything and not wait for her to come back and do it herself...that just speaks volumes in bad upbringing, and like the mother to the CEO in the article rightly put, once a woman is inside her home, she is first a mother and wife before she is whatever she is at her workplace.

cococandy: Left for me o. If a guy is working and making all the money the family needs,then it is only fair that the wife faces the home keeping squarely. Making sure that the home is always cozy,warm,clean and beautiful. With delicious aromas emanating from the kitchen
The kids well fed and giggling before daddy comes back.


What I don't understand is the case of men who's wives work as much as they do making a fuss about house keeping.
Some their wives even work more than they do and make more than they do. Yet it is beneath them to prepare dinner and set the table before darling wife comes back from a very stressful day at work. She still has to rush into the kitchen to 'serve' him. But he was home all day doing phantom business while the woman is working her buttt off being husband and wife at the same time.

Oahray: if as you say, love cannot exist without submission, but submission can exist without love, how come you say submission follows love naturally?

Your premise is greatly flawed anyway. Love doesn't not make one submissive, else parents would be submissive to their children. Submission simply comes from the acceptance (conscious or subconscious) that someone else is superior. Submission is a natural reaction to either fear or respect.

ihedinobi2: It "should not" be conditional o...


But it is, in fact We love God because He first loved us. And as we to God so the woman to the man.

If men are truly the leaders the Bible makes them out to be, their love should come first. The man's love is what the woman responds to with her submission.