₦airaland Forum

coogar: madam aluta has already exposed the double standard. if the roles were reversed, 90% of the females would advise the wife to move out of the house cos the hubby is a beast, monster, coward, tout, uncultured, unruly, ungentlemanly and any other adjective you can add......

should this husband also move out of the house?

Except she is a witch or mind reader, she did not expose any double standard.

The proof will be to pull out my posts in a similar suitation where the woman was the victim and compare to my response here.

If I don't like someone's opinions or mindset, I sometimes waka pass or ask questions like 'what will you tell your wife to do' etc. than read minds except if they had expressly stated their opinions in similar situations on a previous thread

DailyNews: My dear, in as much as I respect your opinion on this...let's face the truth here- most women tend to lack respect for their husband or boyfriend when they are the breadwinner of the home or when they earn more than their spouse or boyfriend, reason you hardly or rarely see rich single ladies dating guys they are richer than- very rare, and most times, they don't behave well towards the guy, still give him some snobbish attitudes....

The trend continues.....women hardly date down....they want someone higher than them- age-wise, financial-wise, height-wise, intelligence-wise, in fact, everything wise...and if a guy mistakenly marry a lady richer and maybe more educated than him, he is in for trouble and mess....

Naturally in Nigeria, women expect more from a man- they expect their husbands to foot at least 80% of the house bills if not 90%, and when their husband isn't meeting up to that expectation, with time, the woman's respect for him will start witnessing a dwindle.

Men don't care if their wife comes from a wretched family....what they care most from their wife is respect, humility, submission and emotional support. But women care more about their hubby's financial support, emotional support and ability to provide and fend for the family, and it is a natural trait.

That's why men don't misbehave or mistreat/maltreat their wife when they are the ones earning higher or providing everything. But its always different when the woman is earning higher or is the breadwinner.

Maybe it may change in the future...but I would advice any young man wishing to marry in Nigeria to please strive and pray to have a good means of income, and also save for the rainy day cos most women don't wanna know that you were once comfortable....most care about the present and current situation cos their memories are mostly short lived.

So OP should try and figure out the root cause of his wife's action to avoid it from reoccurring and not just dwell on retaliating.

There should be a change because it women will continue to earn same and higher than their husbands.

I also believe you are generalizing. Some men too are very egoistic when they earn lower than their wives and every cough of the wife becomes a sign of disrespect.

Every young man should strive to marry a woman who loves him for who he is...

No condition is permanent; a 'high' earner today can be sacked tomorrow...

What will he do? hang himself?

lorretta u: 100 percent
Say no to abuse!

Hi babe, how are you

You are pretty; saw your thread on Nairaland beauties

kolidave: thank God u said ASSIST. Assist is different from being in charge.
Assist can be wife will clothe d children and husband will pay fees bills and food. Buh wen the wife does everything is utterly wrong.

What if the man losses his job? Has an accident? Earns less than the wife?

The worth or headship of a man is not tied to his paycheck or providing power

A man and woman is to provide for their home. The concept that a man is the 'sole breadwinner' is old school.

Now, women get the same/better jobs than their hubbies. If they now decide to ruin their homes because of that, goodluck to them.

denniece1: Nairaland

Lol!

Almost there...

Nashville: I have realised something. Some Nigerian women like to know their limits. So a wife starts insulting her husband, and if he does nothing, she starts threathening him, and if he does nothing, he begins to push him; and if he still does nothing, she slaps him and if he does nothing, she will beat him with belt.

That is why I said the man should quickly set the boundary for her. He should make her realise that the slap will never be tolerated and he will just allow it this time because he believes it is a mistake. So the boundary has been clearly defined and she will never try it again, the consequences may be severe.

Hate to admit, but you are right

Some of them are as sick as the men and deserve them.

kolidave: . It his wrong for the wife to be d sole provider in a family,very wrong. Its d husbands duty and right to provide and takia of his family. The instance he stops doing that he looses respect both from the wife and people around him. Now I'm not saying he has the right to do so wen he's the one providing buh that respect should be there and the moment the wife disagrees to respect him even wen he's d sole provider then the wife should get ready for watever consequences she mite get from the husband

This is the problem.

If a wife can't assist her hubby on his perceived 'duties', what is her usefulness?

alutacontinua: Phew, u're even counting it for me.
I'm sorry if I came across as a mind-reader!

If I lie, oya, tell me, make I know

I really do not have anything to prove to you babe

If you do not like my opinions, jump into the ocean or hug a wet transformer

Even when posters seem to have a 'certain' mindset, I still judge them per posts

For God's sake, please don't quote me if you do not have anything reasonable to say. If you want to gather likes or whatever, find another avenue to do so.

Thanks

Nashville: I like your advice, but the truth is that it must not happen a second time. If she slaps her husband and offers no apology, then it means she has seen nothing wrong in her actions and it is assumed she will repeat it. So, the man should quickly report to her parents and give her a very very strong warning. This kind of warning involves swearing by Ogun and Sango on how he will retaliate the next time she does it. I will give you an example.

"If you ever try that again, I swear by Ogun (holding an iron rod), that I will give you ten slaps."

If she now tries it again, then na fire for fire o. Violence should not be tolerated at all and must be stopped as soon as it starts.

If she apologised straight after the first time, then no need to report to her parents. The very strong warning should be enough.

I wanted to say next time, he returns fire for fire but I don't want to encourage violence!

Lol at Ogun

kolidave: yeah it matters. Cos if he's the one that drops d money for soup and food in the house she won't have the nerve and courage to slap him and call it her pot cos she obviously knows where the money is coming from. And if he's the bread winner like I said she'll give him that respect and wouldn't lay a finger on the sole provider of the house.....

This mentality is wrong.

Is a wife doing her husband any special favor if she is taking care for her family?

Will the husband have the right to abuse the wife if he were the one providing?

alutacontinua: I disagree with ur last paragraph. If d op were to be a woman, you wld nt include dt part of doing internal check because nothing shld make a man hit a woman.

You wld rather tend towards telling d woman dt dis is just d beginning and she has to get herself out of arm's way before it's too late.

IMO, as a feminist (who blivs in equality), dt's d same tin u shld be telling dis man.


His wife is violent nd might av abusive tendencies, period!

Aluta, except you are a mind reader, please do not assume what I will/will not say

This is the second time you are doing this.

pickabeau1: hmm.. and pray tell what was the good advise.. divorce?

you dont know the placard?..

Good you know the woman is over 50 and has made her choices. Does not mean her choices are still not relevant

Women should not suffer or endure marriages,,, it is after all a partnership where strenths are made better and weaknesses worked upon
How can 2 walk together except they be agreed

Sincerity has never been lacking rather its the seeming one-size-fits-all advice from certain posters that is worrying

All cases are different

ish

Who mentioned divorce on this thread or to this woman in particular?

kolidave: Lmaoooo. Ur wife na d breadwinner be dat. U can ave ur say and retaliate wen u become d breadwinner once again

Eneze1: thought as much

I seem NOT to understand these posts.

Does who win the 'bread' matter in this case?

Would you like if your hubby slaps you because he is the one winning the bread?

I also do not understand this village mentality of 'my pot', 'my kitchen' etc. where does the hubby own?

@OP:

If you are certain that this is all that happened and you have not slapped or done similar before, please WARN her sternly never to try such with you again and mean it. Also tell her that there is nothing like 'her pot' or whatever. You have become one and relate as such Also do internal check to see where you went wrong (I am NOT saying that there is a justification for the slap) and try to adjust.

Physical violence should be discouraged in marriage from either party and curbed.

If she tries it again, report her to her parents and tell them to train her on how to discuss with you like a rational human being because I am sure she doesn't slap people who offend her outside

This is not a 'assert yourself as the man' advice, I will give the same if it were a woman.

pickabeau1: @bukatyne...

ok ... u guys should also calm down when u hear women make sacrifices for their families especially when it is by mutual consent
If it is forced, by all means carry your placard

Biko, what placard am I carrying?

All we are saying is for the wives to be and upcoming ladies

What do you want to tell a woman of over 50? According to the story, the man doesn't physically abuse so what is the deal?

I just like us to call a spade a spade and stop giving the opinion that women are bound to suffer in marriages; it scares the upcoming ones.

A male poster opened a thread on his wife's non-chalant attitude to their marriage and his feelings and we all gave good advice. I am 100% sure that if it was a female poster, 90% of the advice will be 'pray and fast,' 'love him more', 'be more submissive', 'beg him', 'you don't know what marriage means' etc.

Let us be sincere, that's all I ask

theoctopus: Most of you thinking you can gain some political score from this are childish! Every family has issues. Most of you typing are even from failed families and broken homes. Family issues are private issues. There is nothing like holding a woman against her wish. If you are a man, you dont wake up in the morning and just allow you wife to walk out. If you do, you are not fit to get married. I dont blame some of you kids who sleep around with multiple girlfriends and come here to comment about a marriage and a family. You are simply ignorant. Falana has only succeeded in destroying a family and if you think the woman is better off, then you know nothing. A divorce is not something a woman wants to experience. Only few women ever get themselves back after a divorce. Most live a sad life ever after. Marriage is something families must find a way to sort out. It is not something for the press to sensationalize. The woman is the bigger loser in all this. This is Africa, not the USA

I feel very bad when each time we remind ourselves we are in Africa, it is for something negative

pickabeau1: As you have rightly noted, you made reference to an impression - mindset

All i saw from the post is a woman who made huge career and possibly financial sacrifices though venturing into a business which may o may not have been lucrative to be available to raise her family
The husband threw a large celebration for her and allowed some trips and suddenly the ladies of NL express contempt

You dont know more than that and neither do I but I was irked by the contempt being expressed.. dazall

The most important people in the woman's life appreciate her sacrifice - why are you people angry over her decisions


@i still gbadun your actions to deal with that abusive lout

Pickabeau1,

Stop playing the devil's advocate

We all judge posts based on the tone and what we read.

I did not want to do want Gold45 did but I figured that if the kids are old enough to tell their mother is stay for her marriage then they are old enough to be in Secondary School/ take care of themselves

Please, let's call a spade a spade

[quote author=Emy~Leo]lol.. no vex sis... ur method too is correct..[/quote]Thanks

taiocol: u get this one wetin i go buy 4 you

This is not the only one I got but that's besides the point

What I want can be found in the playground of a place named after a Country's currency

taiocol: Name all the numbers from
1 - 100, which have the letter
'A' in their spellings?

None

Royal Roy: 2mb for your internet transport.

Lol

RR, thanks

Pickabeau1, oya come and take 1Mb so that we can transport ourselves to .....

RR, please confirm destination thread

taiocol: thumbs up
na ma fault say u nr get question right

Is there a single answer?

pickabeau1: TIA is what please

This is Africa

Nashville: Uju, this is such an unfair comment to make, seriously. If this man had broken her head, we would all insult him more. This is a man that is being civil and trying to make things work, please lets not crucify him. He is not being weak, he is only being sane.

Agree 100%

pickabeau1: Me im not a fan of afrikan culture...

u see the name

A fi ri ika... translate

if we have values as we think we do, we will not be corrupt and let our students idle away in misery, let our aged die in queues waiting for pittance or deny workers a fair and equitable wage

All that values crap na wash

I agree with you, what is bad is bad

People scream TIA especially when they wanna give reasons why a woman should be oppressed in her marriage

It's well

pickabeau1: This is what i meant.. nowadays its getting rarer for people to be single relationships into marriage.. more common are 2 or 3

Some may be principled to be chaste thru the relationships but a minority... so its reasonable to expect some mileage

Extreme mileage is what is frowned upon.. You get now? phew

That is commendable of you.. i wish you success in your relationship

I believe there is a difference between 2 - 3 relationship before marriage and been a runs person.

I thought you were referring to a runs person

pickabeau1: and there you have it wrong ... no one is perfect and there is no one world view as you seem to advocate round these parts

I believe there are multiple world views ...

I agree with the bolded but be cognisant that some will manage the situation

Some will move on and find their own Mr Right
Some will move on and regret their non compromising stance

Everyone to hissef

The fact you dont like the advice does not mean it is not realistic

Sure you read my posts?

What is bad is bad.

Everyone knows stealing is bad; whether some people will be friends with one or marry one is another kettle of fish

Funny enough, it is still Africans that will be screaming culture and how western culture is eroding our 'values'

pickabeau1: Are you dating your first boyfriend
If you are then you are not the people the statement referred to

How does this relate to 'due to career, people run the field'?

Yes to your question

pickabeau1: Not sure i get you,, r u trying to be sarcastic...

Sarca gini?

You seem to have the perfect advice

Nobody is looking for Mr./Ms. perfect because there is none. We all have our little issues but some things are not issues. A cheat, abuser, liar etc. is not fit for marriage however you spin it.

Let's stop all these manage 'anybody' advice we dish left, right and center.

pickabeau1: NObody is victimising any lady ,,,,
we are saying how it is

Will you allow your blood brother to marry a course mate u knew was promiscous in school days and had had multiple d & Cs

Lets be real here and just not brng theoretical stuff

Its a fact, due to people marrying later to set up careers and stuff, people will run the field but moderation is key

How many career people run the field?

pickabeau1: ^ chilli

i respect you for standing by your principles

Unfortunately we will never know since you are already settled.. you are not in the shoes of the parties involved

Some have died waiting for Mr PERFECT

make sure you frame this advice and keep it in your living room for your kids to see everyday and emulate!

Chillisauce: My dear, what can you do?
I try as much to do the right thing o, if copying the west will give me happiness, long life, beauty and prosperity. Whom am I to reject it.

Any woman wey wan die doing tradition, na dem Sabi.

Me, I most live my life to the fullness o. I don't wanna get high blood pressure.

Lol!

I am only trying to parrot what these same men will say na

It is Nigerian culture for men to cheat;
It is American culture and feminism for women to follow suit

Chillisauce: The cheats want to cheat but wants to marry good woman.

Abeg who are they cheating with? ...
The same women they think is a church homely girl.

Wayo man die wayo man bury am,.
I always say it, live a straight life, your yes should be your yes. If you start playing games, the other game player might read you well and her own game might be higher than yours.

I hate games o to be serious, if I'm in a relationship and I see you dancing around...your headache, I pack my things and leave.
There is no guaranty the other will be better but they will surely know your principle and then that's where you get your respect.

And when the woman is done being good and decides to 'explore', Nigeria is now corrupt, our culture is lost and we are copying the west!