₦airaland Forum

Media stunt.Eton educated Posh boy sure as hell part of 'society' even if he takes 20 underground trains

I remember when he was opposition leader and he used to ride a bike from north london to westminster with a chaffeur driven car behind him with his briefcase and suit.Pray tell why the bike then? He for kuku say the bike ride na for fitness not one yeye humility or green credentials cos duh the car uses fuel.


Dont mind me ojare i have nothing against the tories i just think there is something false about David Cameron(bleeding we are all in this together,yeah right)

jidegirl12: After grubbing uncooked chicken from their useless eateries ( poor kids) and infest salmonella in their bodies they now cry foul bout deworming.

Thank you sir PAGAN! Ehhhnn na wa oh! NL now post any topic for traffic? Whoa!!

I've Never ever been dewormed for over 25years ( over oh) now and I'm fine and dandy , so are my kids too, they eat thoroughly cooked meals and hand washing is very important too...... people ( esp kids without adult supervision) use the washrooms and touch infested surfaces and 'forgot' to wash their hands with soap/ sanitizer!!!

OP Stop scaring people oh.

Wash your hands!! with soap !

Sis me sef wonder o.If you go into a pharmacy here and ask for worm expellant ie combantrin etc,they look at you like what is this on about? .

My mum used to deworm us as kids and told me to deworm mine as well.She even wanted to buy me the drugs from Nigeria when i told her there is nothing like that here.I personally dont see the need if there is proper hygiene but hey ho i dont think we should completely knock it back home.

jidegirl12: God forbid oh Damiso... So if you're a medical doctor who owns a professional building with different fields in Medicine and you as the Chief. And your kids aren't interested in medicine, what would you do?

Honest please? Let it out . Btw where have you been?

Sis just been so busy of late,adult education things .I need a clone of myself but as greatgod will say may God help us all.As to your question i would go with naijababe ,sell it naaa must my kids not build their own dreams ni?Their dreams and aspirations i would encourage but its not a must it must tie into mine.Besides it might even the girl who would tow the medical line and not the boy sef.

I personally think the whole having boys and children to carry on legacies is soo overrated.I dont think we hear much of Rockeffeller,Paul Getty etc kids like we hear of Bill Gates today.Not saying they are still not wealthy but not as well known.Make ur own mark if you want ur name to live on.

I guess its nice to have one of each gender but i and hubby wanted just two kids so it really would not have mattered what gender they were.To me its who and what kids turn out to be that really matters.You certainly dont want your family name being remembered for certain things eg Osama Bin Laden was a boy child

I actually met my husband through a male friend .A very close male friend.My husband is his distant cousin.His then girlfriend now wife used to hyperventilate when she saw me cos she felt he could tell me things he could not tell her(for some odd reason i used to be treated like one of the boys ).I liked her the most of all his girlfriends and i used to act like one security guard when the girl was doing her masters in the uk(SMH if only she knew).She became my bestie when me and hubby got engaged .She no see me as threat again

chaircover: . . but I dont want an investment in my name only. What for? We are one. The best investment that I can leave for my kids is an excellent world regognised education and a balanced and happy upbringing. That is better than any mansion in Apapa. Why would my kids need my house anyway? My prayer is that they do 1000 times better than I do.

As for a will. Any responsible parent will have life insurance in place and the kids will be on the life insurance policy, so that one is sorted out.

Maybe I am naive, but I am not going to kill myself over something that hasnt happened ; and may never happen. The ones we built together are still empty not to talk of the one I now went and built behind my husbands back and havent told him. How many things can one take to the grave sef? Who lives in Bobby Bensons House today?

Been off NL in a while been swamped that right now i am still in bed at Noon am so tired .But CC ur so spot on as usual.The best inheritance ever is a good education and upbringing.I know loads of people who neglect this vital part of a child's life to compete with their husbands for what i.dont know?I keep saying it whats the use of all the mansions in Lekki if the child who will inherit it is uhhhm something else.Not saying that mansions in Lekki are bad o but do kids really need mummy mansion and Daddy's mansion?I agree with jidegirl that certain investments should be in the kids names and for me all those investments sef are to pay for a good education.Life really is not that hard ojere.

chaircover: We are still here??

Ok!! I am back with my long epistle analysis
the poster 2 years ago in this same forum counted his wife being from a good family as one of her good points, but now its the opposite . . .what happened may I ask?

Back to this topic . .. IMO All the families are not that close anyway, cos from what the poster said, his own parents came to see the baby straightway which suggests that they all live within a reasonable visitable distance anyway . . .but for the 7 months that wifey was pregnant, they didnt see her and if it wasnt an aunty who saw wifey somewhere at 7 months, they probably wouldnt have known about it until she delivered.

My own little advise is this . . .and you are hearing from someone who has been/is around people who have been married between 10-20 years and even more is that you pick your battles very wisely.

A mother child bond is a very strong one and eventually mother and daughter will make up. It may not be the mother/daughter relationship of the year, but they will eventually build some bridges. Do you think, that God forbid if mama is diagnosed with cancer today, your wife will not drop everything to be by her side? My advise to you as her husband is to be very careful where you are seated when they do make up because that will determine where you are placed after that, by both your wife and her mother. You dont have to take my advise but I pray that you do. You still have a very very very long marriage in front of you and its what you sow now that you are going to reap down the line. I know of at least 4 marriages in London where mama came to look after baby and within 3 years the husband had been chased out of the house and its mama and daughter living together. That is not your portion o! Amen.

No one wants their mother to be badmouthed even if their mumsie is doing wrong and deep down everyone wants a good relationship with their mother especially. On mothers day that just went, I am sure that your wife would have felt some sadness deep inside of her. Even now deep in her spirit she will be grieved that her mum is not there with her to help her with the baby.

By all means keep mama at arms-length and build your home, You and your wife are one, but trust me, your wife will blame you in years to come if you both cut her off completely now. You are the one who is going to get the blame for it because your wife is going to say that she was just following your orders. What am I saying? you can be civil to her and keep her at arms length and dont give her any opportunity to cause havoc in your lives. . . be wise!

Funny enough, I see this time after time where newly married men try and lay down the rules & make their points & gain their respect within the wives family. . .note where the poster said his manhood was being undermined. I am not a man, so dont know what drives this, maybe a man can explain it to me better.

My dear, I know that you are trying to gain your respect and protect your family, but trust me when I tell you that that respect will automatically come from all the family when they see their daughter happy and fulfilled. Its not something that you have to fight for.

GBAM +100 likes.OP i think you should heed this advise.More than alot of people i am very sure i can see your wife POV in this matter.As much you have an overbearing always in your business mother she is still your mother full stop.As CC has said lay down firm boundaries and they will come to respect you that you are different.Me i can never advocate for the cut her off completely advise cos no matter how bad she is she still gave birth to your wife.Yeah keep her at arms length but to totally cut her off.Mbanu.Your wife needs to apply alot of wisdom and permit me to say its more of her issue and not yours.I have had to play very instrumental parts in my mum and husbands relationship cos he comes from an ENTIRELY diff background and sometimes cant get WHY mum makes a fuss over some things.I made mistakes very early on and sometimes to my hubby it felt like my allegiance was to my mum and i told her everything but as CC said you get wiser.I still tell her loads and she is one of my closest confidants.But she now understands through subtle but respectful ways that i and my husband are one.If i dont feel i need to tell you dont ask.

My bro am begging u even though you think your wife and her mum are not close,its horrible and stressful when people you have known your whole life are estranged from you or you feel you have to choose between your birth family and your own family.They can exist side by side.The ball is in your wife's court but with your understanding and encouragement of course.

I personally dont get why we Africans are very very secretive about pregnancy.I get the we keep it a secret for first 12 weeks till the 1st scan( even that i still told my mum even though hubby thinks i waited shush ) but 7 months?.Miscarriages unfortunately happen to all races but we must term it as someone is out to get us.


I personally though(my nature so dont expect that from everyone)would register my displeasure with my daughter in no uncertain terms.I will tell her o han did i kill you while bringing you up so why would i now kill you.I would visit to see my grandchild cos that child is not the one at fault here but would go back to my house the same day.Thats me sha.I expect people even my kids to hurt me and so therefore ask God for the capacity to forgive in advance.For this mum it might take time though.As for the controlling,sometimes mums by being caring can sometimes come across as seemingly controlling( i know cos my mum can come across like that too).You cant just switch off that wanting to be all up in your kids business and wanting the best for them.It takes you the child sometimes laying boundaries for them to keep those emotions in check.I do agree some parents are over the top but as i said keep a respectful boundary.

OP life is too short.As some people have said and as you have done keep begging mama.We dont have them with us for too long as we dont pray for the young to die before the aged.So just tolerate her not because she might not be annoying(deep deep down i know my hubby gets tired of my mum being all in your face )but because of your wife.Afterall this woman raised the person you chose to spend your life with.

aadetoyin: Women are trying. I totally understand this feeling because I have been TTC for a while but u should not allow ur pain get to the point that u'll avoid pregnant people.
Instead of that when my friend's kids are around, I silently pray for mine.

Definitely there are times u re down and on such days I cry real hard. I thank God 4 my hubby, that's my SUPERMAN he knows how to make me smile.

There was a time I registered on every TTC website that I Ơ̴̴̴̴͡.̮Ơ̴̴̴͡ but I have calmed down and I just have faith that God is just special packaging my descendants

The only prob is when family and friends decided to come with their own wahala. I can remember a close friend telling me that it is when I have children that am truly married. Such words really HURT.
People act like they know so much bout ur problem when they know absolutely nothing about the emotional torture that u go thru.

People around those TTC should pls be
considerate and should be careful of what they say to this people.

Awww E-hugs.God will surely give you your own children.Sorrow may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.

Life is soooo much more than the children we bring into the world biologically.The process of conception is such a mystery that sometimes even science cant explain why it is not happening.Truly we need to be more sensitive around those TTC.

coogar: get jiggy with her bump? thanks but no thanks, i don't want bruises on the face/arms of my baby.

Lol,the baby is covered by the ammiotic sac(i hope i got the word right)so dont worry Daddy,baby will be fine .Its even advised towards the end if baby is getting too comfortable and does not want to come out.

Speaking for myself here, i feel fat,bloatedand unattractive in pregnancy(everyone says the contrary)but hubby desiring and wanting to do the 'deed' makes me feel slightly better.And in the 2nd trimester you are not that big and awkward yet.

coogar: when her aunt flo arrives
when she's pregnant

If its not a high risk pregnancy 9 months is a long time .For straightforward pregnacies its ok to get jiggy with it esp in the 2nd trimester.

As an aside so there are actually people who want to do it EVERYDAY? Na food?365 days a year konji?O ga o.

Sleep,sleep,sleeep,sleep
My bed,i know not a very PC thing to say but i love having my bed to myself.From when i was a teenager i loved rolling back and forth on my bed all night,with marriage one whole human being plus kids sometimes have to share my bed .

Going out on a whim.Wassup dami how you dey,i really need to.talk to you in person not phone talk can we meet up?Me,ok il call you after work and stop at your place.Now dami how you dey,i really need to talk to you not phone talk can we meet up?Me,uhhhm i have to pick up bebe take her for swimming,need to call america,sort out the builders,call hubby to see if he can get off work a lil early (no he cant) my babysitter is studying at the mo and my child minder no longer works after 6, can we make it two weeks time .Illustration means am not a good as friend as i used to be except on the phone and multimedia

Buying,buying,buying,buying,buying,buying,buying,buying .

Being toasted without feeling irritated(funny enough a guy was hounding me today in front of my daughters school even with me clutching a cranky teething baby .i wanted to slap his face i was soooo clearly not in.the mood.Agbaya)

That said though(everybody quickly dey disclaim make dem OH no come dey vex ) i looove being married and love my kids.Thats why i am happy i was not sooo young when i got married(everyone thought i would be waaay older sef)at least i had other experiences.

Knowing that whatever am passing through at that point is a phase,people face far worse and come out stronger.

Worship music and talking to God.Even though there is no visible difference after just talking i just feel better knowing God has my back.He never said it would be easy but His promise is to bring us to an expected end.

Talking to the people i care about.

Listening to my daughter that girl can sure come out with some stress relievers.

I know this might seem wimpy but sometimes i just choose to blank out the issue for a while.Just keep my mind clear.Often the solution comes to me at this point rather than when i am depressed or worrying.My mum says am weird for doing that and that is soooo my dad but it works for me.To some people it seems like burying your head in the sand but to me its letting go of pressure.

God make a virtous woman o .Am i seeing people who are dead tired still getting f.rea.ky? .As for me when am bone tired like i have been executing some stuff in the last few days.Hubby sef knows cos he def does not want log of wood thingz .Sometimes though i just wanted a cuddle before you know it erm .

But truly sha,small kids can kill aggro,i no blame oga seriously counting down to moving bobo out of our room.Sometimes all the; is he awake,yeeeen yeeen when you are in the mood,mummy i am scared,mummy i want water(at 6.30am which is sometimes when its sweetest),leaking bossoms etc is a positive downer.

To me o,cooking is a skill that can be learned.And yeah i take pride in cooking healthy nutritious meals not just for my husband but for my family which if i may add includes ME.If i cook from scratch at least i know whats going into my food and right now (used to be size-----now size -----+ )am very particular about what goes into my food.Not that am a health nut but i have to be cos unfortunately i have a propensity to add weight and have genetics biased to some kind yeye diseases.

Back to topic of course anyone can cook BUT as people have said the natural maternal mothering role makes cooking more suited to women.I see cooking and feeding my family as nurturing them.I should be ashamed to say this but i will when i got married i could not make amala,pounded yam semo etc for more than two people.My husband was brought up in Ibadan and his mum as i heard was a discplinarian and so they ALL know how to cook.So naturally he is better than me at all those swallows cos me am.omo eko our swallows end at eba .If we want amala we go to Shitta .My husband taught me how to make all this stuff.Till date he even still prefers making them as long as i have made orisirisi soup in the freezer.But i learnt.I can now cook so many diverse foods but that my mum thinks my sister needs to come to me for training.And i mean not just Nigerian or Yoruba meals.There are channels on youtube to learn how to cook anything.So there is no excuse.If its time,schedule and freeze.I know people with full time jobs with a business 4 kids under 10 and still cook.(if i may add with no domestic help)

IMO in this age some women just WONT cook cos there is no excuse for CANT cos you can learn.Heck i learnt how to make puff puff on youtube.

Gosh,life....... .So contradictory dying on the way to usher in new life.

May they rest in peace and am at least happy his parents were from a tight knit community cos its so tragic to start life with no parents.

God bless you lil soldier.

Thank God for the gift of life.Life is indeed so fleeting and sometimes experiences like this make you value it more.Congrats o jenny thank God for his protection.Sis He saved you cos your assingment is not done and there is still loads more for you to do.

Praise God for your children and family as well.

Hope you feel ok sha,try to rest and recoup o.

Awww@jidegirl. Happy mothers day to you too love.As for my yanga,me and hubby need our room to go back to romantic retreat ojere*winks*ahan we need to get busy,the boy just dey kill moves with all those 11,12 o clock feeds.
To my mum,love ya loads.You are indeed one in a million.

To all the women who play motherly roles one way or the other(even with their non biological offspring)God bless you mightily.

Happy mothers day to all the wonderful mums on NL.May we all reap our labours of love by His Grace.

biolabee: Thanks for the response amazons

its so sad that our judgementtal attitude leads to ostracising of a group of women that need all the help they can get

You guys inspire me

I have learnt that alot of people need to judge other people to feel good about themselves.Even if they are in unhappy marriages their validation can only come from looking down on people who are single parents.Alot of people need to learn to appreciate that you cant entirely judge a person's actions or inactions except you have walked in their shoes.

I read on a thread where someone said we as a people need to replace sympathy with empathy and i think that is soooo true.If i feel that something could happen to me (I dont pray to become a single mum by Gods grace but some who are did not either)i would judge less.

debrief08: Lol, try having 7 sisters and loads of cousins. We have the group thing.
I take pictures of what I wear and send each morning because they feel am fashion challenged and they decide what stays and goes.
Being the baby they feel they can always tell me what to do.
Its just fun, we go for weddings post pictures for review, lol that's our fun time.
Hubby has all brother so they talk but not as much, they can just sit the for hours and shop or talk
Our Dad screams that when we are together we move around like bees.
Just try to create a balance, my husband has given up oh, he just tells me "easy on the gossip"

Lol@ the fashion challenged.I thought it was only me and my sis that exchanged pictures on what we wear.Or do you think this hairstyle will fit me.

I do think the balance is key sha.I guess the difference is maybe he cant get why we have to in each other business so much and so kinda cant understand why we keep trying to force him to be that way.My siblings and mum used to get pissed that my husband only calls like 3 or 4 times a month.It took alot of explaining to let them know that is even waaay more than he calls his own siblings.He does not mind all our wahala but we have had issues in the past when i try to force him.Eg aso ebi cap etc.I just feel its unafrican and he tells me has more important things on his mind than aunty s 50th birthday party .He will go but sometimes will want to wear jeans sef after i have sewn the aso ebi.Or if i go before him,i just see him show up in shirt and trouser when the whole family is in uniform .It used to get to me but i am learning to just accept him for who he is.

Sisi_Kill: Rotflmao

Will it calm your mind a little if I told you are way way better than us? Seven kids and we have ongoing group chat. The girls...3 of us are the ones who are usually more active while the guys drop in once in awhile but they read every day, I know this because they are up to date with what everyone is doing.

This is a separate chat from the one we have for the girls including my brothers wives and some cousins. ...all of this when my sisters and I are not on conference call. ..Every morning on my way to work. I know when my sister is dropping her kids off for gymnastics and she knows when Zumba starts for me...Lol!

We have been lucky to have SOs who may not get the closeness but know not to butt in. One of my sisters in law is an only child, so she revels in this....knows more about me than my brother does sef. He will be like...wait a minute, when did this happen when she tells him some things. Lol

Personally I can't envision my life without them being in it the way they are. I know it's different for other people so I don't force them to be like that as long as they don't expect me to be like them.

Nice to know that no be only us .Funny enough my SIL and myself are like that,its like she misses that kind of camaredrie(she is the first and only girl) .Even at that sometimes i still sense the aloofness and just jejely back off.I guess now i have learnt to stop forcing it and he is used to me and my family being like that.Its just sometimes i sense the slight irritation(i opened a thread about my mum and family taking over my son birthday party and issues) even though he would play along just to make me happy.I gently caution my family when it comes to couple business so it wont be like theyare always butting in ( we just cant help it ).
My mum is always like this your oloyinbo(english speaker) husband ehn .She is not too happy that his sister(as his mum is late)does not call her to gist and do all the ana(inlaw) stuff but i tell her just bear with her,she is not being mean or anything its just not her.When my mum went on and on about how they did not take ankara at my dads fidau prayer,i had to tell her to choose between ankara wearing inlaws who stress her daughter and non ankara wearing ones who let her daughter be .

Despite me saying that to my mum i kinda see her point sometimes,family is family and quirks and all it is fun to have that closeness.

Hello all,just finished my nightly ritual(i really to start getting strict this boy is 11 months no more feeds )and also a long marathon chat with my sister.We and jist hen.

Ok this my marathon gist is what made me start this topic for views cos its something that kinda bothers me.I come from a very close knit family and we are always all up in each others business(detrimental sometimes though).I and my siblings if we dont talk,chat and send messages to each other every other day.I can tell you my sister's intinary for the next few days and am sure she can tell you mine.My cousins are all up in my business and some of my aunties vex if i have not called in two weeks.My mum i talk to her like 4 times a week.

My hubby family are the direct opposite.I can say i have spoken to my inlaws more times this year than my hubby.They can go weeks on end without speaking to each other.They lost their parents quite early and all but their aloofnes to each other is kinda strange to me.All of them are so me and my wife or me and my husband oriented that they feel the other people are the secondary family.It really gets at me and my husband is always telling to stop playing amateur psycologist by trying to psyco analyse why they are that way .They love each other i guess but how can you not talk to your brother for two months?Haba? .Cousins,that one na long story.Its just so unafrican to me.

Hubby always says my wife and kids come first, and i know he would go against any member of his family that wants to stress me(he has actually done that to an aunt)but deep deep down even though my husband and kids are very important to me i cant authoritatively say they come first.I know i know that sounds horrible.Not saying my mum and my siblings come first too but i place them almost on the same pedestal.I have known them my whole life and can give anything to see them happy.I honestly would never want to be in the horrible position of having to choose helping or saving either.

So the reason for this thread is simply to see if there are people who are conflicted between loyalty to the family they come from and the family they started?

P.S. I was a lil annoyed cos hubby said to me that i spend too much time chatting to my sister when i should be talking to him.We have made up though and i apologised(what this BB would cause hen)but i was abit miffed cos i felt he said that cos he rarely chats to his own siblings like that.Just wanted to paint a clearer picture of why i asked the question.

ypzilanti: Christian marriage is meant for Christian believers? I agree.

Muslim marriage for Muslim believers.

Traditional marriage for traditional believers.

Sango marriage for Sango believers...etc.

Even though you are a Christian, I presume, try and broaden your scope. Marriage has been on in this planet years before Christianity. Jews were practicing marriage even before our Lord Jesus was born.

Na wah...I really dislike the lunatic fringe of my religion.

Gbam.I think the better title should have been Christian Marriages are meant for Christians

To me the issue here is not even age difference.I am more alarmed at the get pregnant for him And also the fact that you are still in school.Abeg my darling being a mum is not beans o hian.Esp a single mum at that cos even women with well established careers sef dont find it easy.

Why the rush?I am not saying you cant marry at 22 but pls getting pregnant is putting the cart before the horse.As others have said dont have unprotected sex with him pls(YOU are the one who will carry a baby).This is the same advice i will give my younger sis who is waay older than you with a very good job.

All these agbaya men going about sef .

P.S am not knocking the age diff o it just annoys me when people play on another naivete.

baby_123: Sounds like a married man conned her. He didnt think it would all go this far. That is probably why the sister is also running. How would she face his wife? The story of him getting a job and visa just like that is a bit fishy. OP probably fell for his lies.

Not to be presumptous,i think his wife is probably in the US and just filed for him.which is why his visa just came through.As you said sister must be in a dilemma.But that one is their own business,a child is involved so they better face up to that fact

baby_123: What type of company is this? Do they still have a branch in Nigeria?

Are you really sure this person is telling you the truth? If it is not an oil company, then the story is a little funny.

I think this guy is married.

You will have to be sneaky about this, but somehow get on his facebook anonymously. You know what he likes. Flirt, and let him add you.

You need to know the truth. That family is hiding something.

Find out who his sisters husband is, and have your parents visit him. Maybe in his office.

I too think his story is a bit iffy.Some people sha,very dodgy.

Nikkykay well done ojere.E-hugs .Your labour of love shall not be in vain.

baby_123: Oh wow. Are you sure this person is not married abroad? Are you sure you were not conned by a married man?
Is the elder sister married? How will he just get a visa and get a job? I dont understand this story. Was he living abroad?
If he is in the US, am sure you can go to the embassy and table your case for them. See what they can do about it.

Definitely sounds like a married man.I think your people need to meet his people has baby suggested.The child is an evidence that the relationship existed and even if they dont request it,i think you should request for a DNA test.Just to prove to them that your child truly is their son's.Posterity will then bear you witness that you did your bit.

biolabee: So a woman shd continue hawking the child to a man that has to all intents and purpose say he is not interested in the child

A woman on this thread made efforts to invite the father to the hospital, baby naming and first birthday.
And in all these instances, the man says NO

What else do you want the woman to do

Please let's not over dramatise impportance of a useless father in a childs life.

Orphans have made it in life.
Some are even better without their biological father

In this case the woman has tried her best so i agree that there is no point trying to force it.On the other hand some women intentionally use the child as a pawn in mind games and sometimes esp with girls,they poison their minds against men.THAT is what is unhealthy.

It takes alot of time though(lets be realistic)for one not be bitter towards the person who causes you so much hurt and pain esp for one coming out of an abusive relationship.How many of us who broke up with an ordinary boyfriend cos of cheating actually want to be his friend? Its just that a child is a sort of connection for life if not some characters are best left in the past.

biolabee: Dear ma I am not a condemner o you are right but I know where she is coming from.
For myself What is the use of having money if I can't suse it as a leg up for my kids and grand kids

when you say you train children to do well in life. You also pray for favor and divine mercy that God keeps them

Have we not all heard of the thousnds of foreclosures in the US or those that lost their savings to enron, stock markets or evn their 401k.

The reality is that calamity can strike what makes a man is how you rise from it.

How will one feel if the kids had to drop out from school, you know how hard your man is working and next thing you hear his father spent 15000 dollars on a vacation.

I will feel bad
Sorry I'm not a neo modern man

Because some of us have done well for ourselves does not mean we look down on others

Dear OP

- discuss with your husband on how to go about your current predicament
- reduce all expenses to the barest minimum except necessities
- speak to the people in ur local church/community centre they may help with jobs, child care and stuff
- if you have to go to your parents be calm, lower your expectations sth or nothing may come out of it

- look unto the hills from where your help cometh

Man can disappoint


Also I agree parents once kids are grown up shd sit and put their leg up to say we have tried but globally now parents are finding out that more help is needed.
Some twenty sths are still in their parents home because they have no job

Yes not only naija but US and UK too

Oga am not looking down on people. I seriously claim the doing well for myself IJN .You might be shocked to see that maybe even the OP is doing better than me financially.Doing well sometimes is relative.

You have given spot on advise.Look unto the hills from whence cometh my help.Resentment is reduced then cos once we believe this person(it works both ways child or parent)OUGHT to be able to do that for me and they dont, we get hurt.But if only we can look at the times when they have it would be reduced.At least my parents educated me some people had to fend for and educate themselves.

I learnt that lesson in university cos i used to feel so entitled.Most of my friend and my parent friends kids had cars but unfortunately my university years were when my parents fell on hard times.We went from having 5 cars and drivers to mum and dad sharing one car.I used to resent my dad for just giving me the basics.All the people i knew still had holidays abroad.You know what changed that mindset,i met a girl in one my group assignments she worked in a shop as a shop girl and sent money to her parents.And she still spoke so highly of them.Here was i a student too with enough clothes,all my textbooks paid for i even lived in a nice apartment with my friend paid for by this same parents who could no longer give me stuff i WANTED.Since then i never ever grumbled again when i got my pocket money.

Since then i cherished whatever anybody gives to me.My friends are always laughing the way i keep saying thank you if someone sends N1,000 mtn credit when i am in naija.I have learnt to under expect and make God's favour my provider.Also i have learnt to be content and aspire and work harder to get those things i aspire for.One of the reasons i broke up with my ex, he was always moaning about how hid parents spent THEIR money.I ran into him.a couple of years back,his Dad is now late and he is still moaning that the man left some of his property to Jehovahs witnesses.He is convinced they jazzed the man. .I was just SMH.


You are right though,tough economic times world over means people have to run back to the bank of mum and dad.But abeg lets pity them too small.When we die we leave all those houses and things,its the experiences and lives we touched that make up our life.

OP the Lord is your strength i think biola bullet points are things you and your husband should look into.This too shall pass.But pls let go of the resentment.What of if you still had to be sending your inlaws feeding money despite all your going through?There are thousands of people in that predicament or what of if they are no more sef.Just know that it will get better.

Mercedes20: No my husband is not irresposible with money. He's a very hard worker. It's just hard starting over in our 40's. It's taking so long for us to get our own place to live. It's almost 5 long years. And no movement yet. He's going to work 2 full time jobs as soon as he can get another job. I work full time and overtime. We're doing as much as we can.

OP before i make any comments.Have you actually ASKED for help?And you do know contrary to what alot of people think NOT OWNING your own place is not necessarily NOT having your own place to live?I do get that its frustrating living with a landlord and you sound like you have been through alot.But has your husband actually ASKED them for assistance.And even if he asks is it with a sense of entitlement?

I know oga biola might say its condemnation but seriously bricks and mortar are exactly just that.Elderly people are going soon and all these my house my house at that age might just seem like vanities to them.Parents(good ones) exhaust alot on their kids in order to make them responsible for themselves(if we want to even go by proper proper african culture you should be the one taking care of your parents by the time you are in your 40's)but sometimes as OP has illustrated life is not easy
So if you are not providing for them is it now fair to be begrudge them of the lil luxuries they might have never enjoyed while raising kids?I am not saying they should not help o dont get me wrong.Just saying that when parents have raised you to a certain level its not fair to still think they continue to owe you.By all means go to them for help as i continue to say we all need help and will ask my mum for a loan if i run into bad times.Will i begrudge if she says no,no i wont cos i will think to myself what of those people who have very very poor parents who despite all the issues you still have to send feeding money to? What should those people do?

On the days when my husband travels and am left alone with the kids(even though i moan oh how come ur giving her mcdees for the 3rd time this week ) i have a new found respect for single mothers esp those living without immediate familial support.I know in our culture they tend to be looked down upon but sometimes it wasnt even planned eg young widows or victims of abuse.Not to say there are not some who probably could have worked harder at their relationships but sometimes we need to cut them some slack.

The media even in the west(where people are more liberal)do no justice to single parenthood.Day in day in out we keep seeing studies and research about how children from single parent families tend to be at a disadvantage(not discounting that it might be a fact) its just i think it sometimes might be a dampener for that person(man or woman) who is trying their best to do good by their kids.

To all the wonderful single parents(yup we do have irresponsible mothers) out there,God grant you grace and strength cos you do havr double the expectation.E -hugs and kisses

biolabee: Admirable also

But most of the ladies commenting so far are based in the west (i believe) and already ahave access to good schools and the life that this men want their kids to access to

I will bring another scenario

Recession continues and the man lose the job, being supported only by you the wives for like 2 years
He gets a job in Australia/Europe/Naija anywhere else or even in another state in the US like 4 hours flight

will you move the family when he has to move

Please I need pragmatic answers

Well over time, the loneliness starts to tell for some

There is an underlying cause of all this and it first states from the economic side

A lot of you here, your parents did something similar and now you have settled in as immigrants.
If you had to come back to naija and had an opportunity to love ther., would you do it

Not all these idealistic stuff

Sir i dont think anyone has an issue with immigration or wanting a better life for your children.I guess it boils down to each individual on what better life is.I know people whose kids were sent here for university and stayed back much to the annoyance of their parents and for some they could not wait to go back.All we are saying is that yes children are important (me and my hubby live for our kids)BUT in that love remember who you are married to.By Gods grace what we pray for is to grow old together so if we dont enjoy being around each other now how would we when the kids leave the nest?Alot of african mothers married their kids so that is why they find it difficult to let go of their kids even when the kids get married.I know what am talking about have so many examples around me.Things happen and even if God forbid one is widowed its still advisable to have other interests.If not that its easier for men to remarry in Africa am sure we might not have half as many cases of young marriages collapsing after grandma left.


To your question of maybe hubby having to move after years of unemployment,my bro thats why you talk in marriage.You both sit down and talk.You strategise on the life you livr now and then.short and long term goals.You investigate on the opportunities in said location for not just hubby but for the whole family.If its not feasible or practical to relocate everyone dow there,you talkabout maybe it being a short term solution.In short you talk.In our own case we still.wont want it to be for a long extended period.My husband loves being around his family so whatever money or difference would prob be wasted on flight tickets.I am facing a similar dilemma at the mo(a 2hr commute)and you know what i took the redudancy route.So as i am speaking or is it typing to you right now i am unemployed(that sounds so strange) cos i cant bear to spend all my time travelling to.and from.work when i could be there for my kids.Its a very scary time for me cos i have never been out of work since i graduated but my constant reassurance is 1 God has something better fore out there,2 my team mate (hubby) has my back.3 the smile on my daughter face when i pick her from.school is priceless(for now sha ).Its not always about money cos believe me our quality of life (luxuries eg hols)might have to be cut down with me out of work for now but its well worth it.