₦airaland Forum

dayokanu: You were asking why a graduate with a job in Nigeria would want to go through the stress of immigrating with paper wahala and I am stating the example as one reason some people would.

A Doctor after several years in School earning 100k per month compared to his friends in Yankee who "sorted out" their paper issue and are earning $300k a year

Thats a reason he would go through that trouble to sort out papers like the one in the Original Post to earn that type of money

If they tell a Doctor in Nigeria earning 100k per month that he can earn the equivalent 3m Naira per month in the US

And all he has to do is to get papers anyway he can. How many would reject that offer?

Ok o.Motigbo o o motigba. .I really wished it was as easy get papers anyway but its all good.

jidegirl12: Dami *sighs* morals eh? Well this might sound selfish coming from me , but I really don't mind being the bad guy on this Topic.

Good you specified in your post how black and white this topic and the other thread. I will never ever preach that moral to anybody to depend a whole nine yards on a man in order to archive her goals that's simple long throat period and you too know it.

Besides all that, I clearly emphasized my only concern which is the welfare of the child, I really don't care whether she lives off him or not.

I understand sometimes you've gotta do what you gotta do to get what you want in Naija ( as long as you don't steal) and I'm not gonna judge anybody for that, I will make my presumption known which is what I'm doing here but as long as nobody's gonna die , all well and good.

That^ being said, ( I really don't want to get myself into trouble cos this is a very tricky topic to be too loose on Internet about ) ....... Like somebody already stated nobody pray to be in this kinda situation and I feel those going thru it, I've heard people stranded abroad for over 10years before a way through, would I judge that kinda person doing arrangee , hell NO! So dear it's a sketchy topic and you gotta nod to the practice like one of those shît or just keep mute and walk away.

Trying to be modest and acting all dumbfounded here is just bull IMO, this is a Nigerian website and feigning just drives me nuts.

@topic as long as wife is aware, no problem. Also to the 'victims' ( which is not always the case for them cos they benefit too) .... What can I say I'm sorry.

I really don't get the morals to preach on this Topic, that people should be banged up abroad until Obama declared amnesty ??

@Ile , nice one.

Jydoegirl(i liked that moniker ) my point is which i think you got is clearly highlighted in your last paragraph.He is not like people who have been stuck for years and so as not to sound preachy,He is only just starting this whole schitzo so his case is slightly diff from someone who has been on it for years.Ok o,dont let me use morals in this case nigbayen

jidegirl12: You have no clue Dami, I will make it your opinion, but let me remind you , not everybody had it easy like me and you.

Lol.Easy .Ok o.I keep saying it and people tell me not to but seriously having seen first hand (family members o i no come from Dangote or Adenugaish background ejo)what people have to face living illegally abroad for me it was and will always be a no no.Dats all.

Omi ti eniyan ma mu ko ni san koja eyan(water that you are ought to drink wont flow past you, apologies if translation or yoruba sef is not spot on ).

dayokanu: You dont understand?

Let me give you an example.

A medical doctor in Nigeria earns like 100,000 Naira a Month thats 1.2million Naira a year

The same medical doctor in America post Residency would earn about $300,000 a year.

If you do the Maths you would understand why

Assuming he would earn the $300,000 a year as a doctor?How will he practise as a doctor when he is still struggling to sort out papers?

P.S I am not being holy holy or anything guess my comment should have even stated it as my opinion.I personally feel emigrating as a visitor (on a visiting visa) is not really really worth it anymore esp if you are reasonably well.educated in Nigeria.Am not saying dont relocate but pls at least TRY to do it legally.

jidegirl12: Don't mind those hypocrites jare ..... oh maybe cos their husbands already chop clean mouth before they came into the picture , that made them all classy and educated compared to one who jam luck and secured his visa when already married.shuo!

Your third paragraph Dayo...... a lot!

Sis you know i dont like arguing back and forth BUT i had to pick on this.Remember the thread where the lady was contemplating leaving her son behind to pursue her career?You were really vocal(understandably as we were talking about a minor) about the lady wanting to trade in morals for a life abroad to follow her dreams?

I am in no way saying this is the same scenario and believe me i know and empathise with people who need to sort residency issues(i no dey form rara,me and hubby argue sef cos i think he can be quite unfairly judgemental about it sometimes) BUT can we also not quote the morals story line here?Yeah things are hard in Naija(still also dont understand how a seemingly educated bloke with a job will want to go that route NOW emphasis on NOW with the state of the world's economy).If the marriage was not a clear cut contract i.e. i am not exactly marrying you i just need to sort myself(even that am a bit uneasy about)but at least we all know what we are getting into. Not openly using a vulnerable person who might think they have found love just for residency.No other word for it,its wrong.Me i cant pretend to be no one's sister in that scenario.Ko le to yen men.Na people not ghosts dey live naija.

MMotimo: From what I have heard, in most cases, the Naija wife is 100% aware of what is going on and fully supportive. The only victim is the Oyinbo wife who does not know a game is being played. A lot of the loud, uncultured Naija wives that move abroad later, come through this means. I think the practice is more common among the poorly educated, no-options in Naija-crew. Rather unusual though, for (I assume) a well-educated Banker to go that route.

Finally someone thinking of the other poor ignorant woman(she is a woman too even though she is white).I do know there are some of these women who do it for money and for those ones na contract(mostly eastern europeans).But for those who have no idea and just fall in love,me i feel sorry for them as well.Its not fair to lead someone on all in the name of papers.

Yes it can but as some other posters have said i can only categorically speak for myself to say i would NEVER cheat on my husband.I trust him to a very large degree but what i am learning to do for all people now and not just him is know that first of all HE is a man.A man.A human being.The heart of man is desperately wicked the bible says.

And to me emotional cheating is as bad if not worse than a one night stand.So chatting all hours,sharing intimate secrets,texting calling and generally feeling as at ease as he is with me with another woman is cheating in my books.

byvan: Damiso you be fear fear woman,lol! deliver a baby completely the natural way and you ll never fear labour pains.most hospitals here ll not even give you the option of epidural or preferred delivery method.i think carrying a pregnancy is more tedious IMO.I don't think ll be scared or are you ?maybe because they never gave a choice, hence, the pain no fit shake me after the first.You and your birth plans package really made me laugh.

I agree. .I was soooo confident.I kept telling people this was what God created my body to do so the pain is really not that bad.All this UK midwives with their yeye birthing classes sell you the myth.Then you now tell them how you want it to go in your birth plan like you can plan the thing.As soon as i got into the birthing pool for my water birth i did a massive poo and never went back into it.

So of course by no 2 i decided to go the american way,pass the meds baby .I was also now a mum and now more confident so no yeye midwife or consultant would try to bamboozle me into all those aromatherapy,hypno birth seren ren.

byvan: You can only be scared of labour pains with your first child, when I say women, I am actually referring to Naija women.

Really?I was more scared of labour pains with my second because then i knew wassup.With my first,i read and did all kain research.Went for hypnotherapy classes,breathing,positive reinforcements bla bla.I did birth plan,water birth,in short i was soo calm about it.I said absolutely no pain relief maybe gas but i was going to go strictly au naturelle.

The pain was a shock to my well prepared system .Birth plan flew right outta the window .I wanted ALL the pain relief available.It was long tedious tiring and i did not care if it was a machine delivering me i just wanted the baby out.

At number 2,my birth plan was simple:Epidural .Dats all.Fortunately or unfortunately bobo was too impatient, i was 8cm dilated in 4 hrs and he was out before you could say bobo.

At OP,may God grant prayer for you amin loruko jesu.Cos thats one sick perverted mind you've got there.

****And too think there are actually sickos like this who might be gynaes****shudders.

May God help us all.

Op i love your drive to better yourself.And also the example you are striving to give to your son by going for your dreams.

BUT the issue the naysayers probably have is the fact that having kids one way or the other means you would have to be pro-active in working around them in still achieving those goals.There is no two ways about it once you decide to have a child till their 18,their needs and well being comes first.There would be no need for this thread if you did not have a child you would just up and go.I know where i would be now in my career if not for my kids but its for a while.Your son is 3,here 0-5 is called early years foundation stage and is the most key stage of a child development.Unfortunately in this case the Dad is not here to buffer the effect(not fair to you i know).Seriously he needs you and except God forbid you are not mentally capable your the best person to give that support.Alot of other posters have given alternatives that might not entail you leaving him behind.

I am in no way saying dont pursue your dream,i admire you for it(i am too wanting to go the academic route)but darling kids means you sometimes have to delay those dreams.They grow so quick you know.Please enjoy these very precious early years with him.Very soon he wont want to even hug you in public

Oga so washing clothes(the most mundane of issues)is one of your criteria in picking a wife?

If na so i for tey for my papa house,i love cleaning,cooking but absolutely HATE laundry.With washing machine sef.Sorting,loading,hanging(only use dryer in the winter),folding,then onto next load esp with two under5's.How i wish i drop my clothes in the basket and they magically appear clean and ironed back in my wardrobe .My husband knows its my weakness so sometimes as soon as i load he will hang cos he knows the thing can stay there for another 6 hrs

Seems i came late to the party .Nice one Baba Oyo,adun oni tan ni ile yin o(there goes my appalling written yoruba again ).

Just goes to show that if care is not taken,the stresses and bustle of everyday life esp those with kids can make a couple slip into a comfortable place.This comfortable place might have niggling irritating issues that need to be addressed and this time alone often rekindles it.

Just also thought to add,weekends and get aways,excellent BUT with lack of time and maybe long term childcare; dinners,walks,lunch,movies,go karting,boat rides,etc alone without the kids is also a good one.Those might be even more readily accessible and timing easier to work round.Just down time to talk like you used to.

The get aways though are really the ideal thing so ladies if you feel your relationship needs something like that and your man wont take the intiative(my husband used to be the intitative taker but in the last one to two years na how to make money don fill hin head tsk tsk )YOU plan it.No rule says it must be the man though i would admit that we women love those kain mushy mushy gestures.But as i always say,all's good and well if you know and understand your man and he understands you.

effisyman: The lady was under her parents roof and was being fed and cloth by them.

Any man who wish to take her away must be ready to shoulder those responsibilities too.

Most male children are fed and cloth by their parents as well,No?Abi wont you take care of your male kids too ni?
I was able to feed and clothe myself while still living in my fathers house before i got married.

Anyway sha most nigerian value systems tie respect to finance .
Religion and culture have conditioned us both men and women to be that way so i cant fault it.Its just my personal opinion that the most important thing is that the provision is met,regardless of who meets it.

Sidewap.com:
I share your pain but I think you should also take into consideration these opinion of mine
» Reduce your flashy dressing
» Reduce your class
» Don't show your despiracy to any man cos he may end up dumping you
» Please, please and please, never give your all to any man but that does not mean you should't be heads down as soon as you get one. May be me, Only God knows

I really hate this advise.Seriously life is too short who knows when one will die, so because i want to marry and i see nice clothes i should not buyGosh When is the best time to spoil yourself a lil than when you are single and not directly responsible for and to other people?Gosh Nigerians


Poster i will give you the same advise i give my younger sister who is beggining to get harassed(she is 28),be happy in who you are first and foremost.No one and i mean no one is going to make you happy,not your husband,not your kids.Thats why we have alot of issues in marriage cos after all the wedding razmattaz you realise you are with a human being who has all flaws and shortcomings.

Dont be thinking like there is an ultimatum and i soo love an intial post about how we all accomplish things at different times.I know someone who got married at 24 and waited 12 yrs for a child and my uncle wife got married at 35 she had 3 kids in 5 yrs.Thankfully she built her career before marriage and she can comfortably raise her kids without necessarily losing much.I have had to make career sacrifices because of my kids and sometimes i wonder where i would be now if i probably continued on the career path(i just wonder though o i love being married and being a mother).Juggling further education,career,a young family is not easy and i wish i finished most if not all of the certifications before child rearing.My sister is an.authority in her field and is being head hunted

Sis,calm.down.There is no race in this thing.As my siggy says Life is a marathon not a sprint.Its better to be single than to be in a miserable marriage.

As previous poster has said it matters to different people at varying levels.I personally believe BOTH parties are responsible for putting bread on the table but at varying degrees and at various times in the life of a family.Bread also means different things to different people.

I agree that a man should not shirk his responsibilities cos his wife earns more BUT (i am a woman) how fair is it that a wife earns 200k pounds,husband earns 50k pounds and the man is still expected to foot 100% of the family expenses simply because he is a MAN?Not fair IMO.And i dont want to hear the tired line of the man should make more money,life does not always work in certainties.In todays world,there is no gurantee that the man would DEFINITELY make more money.

Its like they are telepathic Even when sleeping in another room.Right in the middle of action you start hearing penken penken,yiin yiin. With all my husband shakara of as soon as this boy is one i want his cot out of our room,fa fa foul.The boy still interrupts someone that was sleeping through at 6 months just starts waking up again.Grrrr.

Is it me though but i personally find having the baby on the same bed gross.Eew iyama
I think s.exx with young kids makes you more creative BUT i draw the line at them being on the same bed and even in the same room after 1.

I kinda understand it comes from an innate parental impulse to what your kids to better than you.Though i kinda see the point being raised by the OP.
Sorry but let me throw another curveball,what of white collar workers who clearly cannot afford some high fee paying schools (primary or secondary) but still insist on sacricing for their kids to attend those school.E.g A family income of 1.2M a yr spending 700-800 thousand on schl fees yearly?Am asking cos there is a current dispute in my family where someone advised another"You cant keep doing this(running around at the beggining of every term cos its clear your income cant afford this school.Cant you withdraw and take them to a cheaper school?".They are currently not on speaking terms.

Reverse for us.I block out baby crying,does not bother me one bit.Sometimes sef i would sleep if am so tired and Daddy will be the one to hear the crying.

My husband CANT stand baby's crying.Its annoying abit though cos as they grow to toddlers they begin to realise that mummy is a winchi, my crying does not always work on her but daddy will fly to give whatever i want just to shut me up.

I wonder where this research came from as that is the case in most families i know.

jidegirl12: Sighs thanks sweetie , I don't know seriously , I'm seek and tired of these extreme culture thingy. At the end of the day , all responsible suitors are cousins.

Have you came across some people that will bluntly tell your kids to greet 'mummy'? Aghh

Yep one of my mums cousins did that.She was like 'emi lonpe ni aunty se mo se egbe iya e ni'(its me you are calling aunty are me and your mum mates).My husband was like WTH.I quickly gave him eye not to vex and talk.Needless to say Bebe was out of cousin's way for the rest of the evening.

I would say both.Dont bring kids into the world if you cant cater to their at least BASIC needs one of which is Education.And that does not stop at the classroom.Have the no of kids you can take care of properly and dont breed loads with the hope as i hear is the case in some homes that there will be ' probably' be at least 2 or 3 out of 8 that will take care of you in old age.

That said it is not an easy task to raise a well rounded and adjusted member of society so i think some kudos needs to be given to parents if that happens.

Its just a nigerian thing or rather african thing and it depends on the level of closeness.Eg when i was growing up till date i had(and still have)like 50 aunties.My mum obviously does not have 50 sisters but it was just normal to call younger ladies aunty.All or most of mum friends were called mummy to their face(but Mrs Lagbaja when they were not there).

Now my daughter calls a couple of people aunty x though i have only sister.She even calls her dad's elder sister aunty(my mum hates it and says she should be calling her mummy cos all her siblings kids call her big mummy).How wont we confuse the girl now cos when i tried she said But you are my mummy and you are a big person .Kids you just gotta love them esp this obodo oyinbo kids too outspoken for their own good i tell ya.My SIL is quite westernised and shot down the idea cos her kids call everyone aunty.My daughter calls most of my friends aunty this or A or B's mummy for those that have kids.I would find it a bit formal or hard sef(she is only 3 and a half)for her to be addressing my friends as Miss or Mrs (come to think she calls her teacher Miss Pearce ).

Its tricky ojare sis as will say May God help us all.

kulyie: lmao i hope so too o. At least he just got admission this year and everyone in the family contributes money to pay for his tuition fee,pocket money and miscellenous.lol,that my aunty is just something else.all she is concerned about is the latest gold and shoe in town to the owanmbe.moreover i am happy that he is the only child and he is a boy,if not,if it was a girl,that girl will be frolicking with men for money and she wont even know till she is pregnant.she ;o dey take eye see ankara,voile lace,french lace etc.once they bring it to her house,she is happy plus buying bra that will pack all her breast up,fixing eye lashes and doing the latest brazillian hair.up till now it still amazes me how she doesnt feel uncomfortable leaving her son to fate

Apt description of ALOT of my isale eko kinswomen .As much as aso-ebi makes occassions look colorful ,its beginning to get ridiculous.My sister says mums friends kids package sometimes reaches up to 200k for wedding and engagement.For what naa Cloth that you might never wear again.My mum has a top to down wardrobe filled with just gele and aso oke,its ridiculous.She has like 3or4 of every shade of every colour,mint green,army green,olive green,leavr green,fuschia pink,baby pink,tomato red bla bla.In sagoe,hayes,silk after they will say the sagoe is no longer in vogue.

There was a year i swear i spent close to 300k while still in Naija on aso ebi if you count the sewing costs as well.Alot of my friends and my mums friends daughter got married.Bloody waste of money i tell ya.For my wedding i had aso ebi but bought for 20 people as soon as it finished i told people just wear orange.My mum was so vexed but we fought all the time during the wedding prep anyway.

The one i hate is when there is lower and higher package.Why not just go for the cheaper one for everyone and let people accesorize as they deem fit?Its just showing off IMO.

This is why i am not always so comfortable with all this sha let me go,you will come and join me later on visiting visa(i know its not politically correct to say so ).Before i get bitten,i too joined my husband in the UK but believe me(people say i should not say this)if i knew he was illegal with no clear defined route of him normalising his residency i would not have married him and stayed back in Nigeria.Heard too many horror stories,besides is it not human beings that live in Nigeria?If he insisted its Uk illegally or nothing,i go cry for 3 months cos i was in love and move on(one of my aunties say what if you did not get another suitor till date?I tell her marriage is not do or die )

That said the OP case is quite different as they were already marrird before he relocated
Six years is alot and for him to have come home in 2010,he is not stuck
As dayo suggested family meeting is the way to go.Let him say.what his plans are and pls dont accept the B.S that you should keep waiting
Besides for you to be having other suitors its more or less likely your feelings for each other are diminished

OP Can you let us know when you contact TEHN so they can coordinate the funds getting to you.

My Dad died from a long illnessand so i am always so touched when i see young people with chronic illnesses like this.It destabilises the whole family.

I am.also for helping.19 gosh.
May God help us all.
Oh just noticed a no and acct details on post.

Just hinted my mum about my dreads idea her reply goes thus:

Hen Oloun mi onije,iwo omo ile musulumi ododo,odidin iyaaale le.Ipinle were ni dada.Ko se ni oju aye mi.

Meaning

God forbid.My God wont allow it.You that you are from a good muslim home,a whole married woman and mother.Dreads is the foundation of lunacy.Not in my lifetime.


Apologies to baba oyo on my appalling written yoruba.

Baba Oyo: Lol at bolded. You do realise horse riding is a fantasy for most men, and since horses are not so readily common and available for rides, then we create our own horses. ...haha.....i "ride" horses too !!!!

@Damiso....it won't be wise going to make such since he has reservations about it. Even though it doesn't bother him for now,later on he might start making "funny" comments that you may not like.

I personally HATE dreads on women. ....especially that type your friend said you can fix on. You carry the same hair type for 6months? Arghhhhhhhh. ...i refused to date a very nice girl once before cos of this dread of a thing. She liked me so much, and i had hinted her jokingly how i would love to see her in another form, the chic no pick. Each time she comes around, all i see is gollywog. That makes me laugh a lot without reason. Just go for something comfortable for you both. Dreads? No no no .

Why now baba oyo? ;DDreads look good on some ladies now e.g dakore(come to think of it she now wears weaves as soon as she got married ).Maybe its the cultural aspect of dadas are dirty ala rastafarians or that lunatics have locked hair but for some odd reason most men hate dreads?

As said mantaining long hair is such a fuss and making my hair now seems like a chore.We have to be planning and strategising cos i hate taking my kids to make my hair.Though i kinda of have an issue with carrying a style for more than 6 weeks.Thats why it was important it had to be something i could wash(i hate all kinds of odours and meeen some people's hair can stink).

Basmati anytime.I no longer buy long grain.Its too chunky.

If you live in the Uk try Asli basmati rice for jollof and fried rice.Same consistency as traditional long grain jollof rice but fluffier.

jidegirl12: No sis, bad idea, don't even try it

I thought about going
for short look too but oga won't let me, he said there'd be nothing to grab/ run his fingers thru during love making , he's a braid freak and particular too ( million braids), that I gave him control over ( cos I love braids too but he took it to another level) and it has nothing to do with esteem so don't listen to that.

Jide,i was not listening to anyone o.Its just that on NL once a woman wants to do something that needs her husband approval,its she gets her self esteem from being his wife

Me sef that dreads thing,i dey think am.One of the reasons my hubby loves long hair is same as ur husband(onisekuse ).Was just chatting with my friend and she said i dont need to cut my hair,she said there are some extensions that are dread like that i can carry for like 6 months.I can wash it and as its extensioms can take it off if he absolutely hates it.

carefreewannabe: It depends on the kind of party she wants to got to.
If she wants to go clubbing, no! She is underage and so it's illegal to enter a club.
If it's a birthday party at a friend's house where parents are around, ok. I'll drive her and pick her up, though.
She can also have a party in our house, every now and then. Invite some friends over, get some drinks (non-alcoholic), have a barbecue and listen to music. And I wouldn't disturb all the time. Boys and Girls are both welcomed but NOBODY will lock a room up and stay there with a boy or a girl.

GBAM.Same thots exactly

jidegirl12: Why watch it with them in the first place?

Every movie has its PGs / advice=> ( this program contains scenes with sex ual / graphic blah, viewers discretion is advised Blah blah)

Naija movies? they don't even watch cos of the actors tone of voice( always yelling) and scary faces Jim hyke / segun arinze / mama gee and likes make

Therefore OP, No I don't watch romantic movies with underage ( below 16) kids, very inappropriate .

Agree with this.All the tv's sef have parental lock they cant even watch cartoon network(IMO not suitable for under 8"s).No nollywood either till after 9pm when they are in bed.

Hi peeps,happy weekend to all.

I have very long hair and tend to have it in braids or weaves most of the time.Hairdressing salons are not my fav places so thinking of chopping off all my hair and going on dreads for convenience.The thing is i know my husband does not really like short hair or dreads on women.I am sure if i discuss with him and tell him its for convenience he will say ok its sha your hair.But i know he thinks intially till they grow long it makes some women look masculine(am not too sure yet mysel :Df dont want to end up looking weird).

I have had friends say i do over the top make up and hair cos my husband likes flashy looking women.I have had male friends say i cut my beard cos my wife hates bearded men.You know how sometimes how we look is a reflection of us but i am guessing sometimes your other half has a say.Before some people start talking self esteem now,i am asking for cases where its not a control issue but because you want to keep looking attractive to your partner.

So would you go for a look you know your partner finds unattractive?

jidegirl12: Dami, It's the reverse in this house, I don't like going in , the doc office atmosphere is just scary especially during physical check ups , you don't know what's it store for you

Tumor, lump, bad thoughts tuning wild in my mind.

My husband is exactly the same.He even gets anxious for my own medical results.

dayokanu: Because someone is doing the jamajama on their behalf

If we are talking about jama jama,my mum was and is still the hustler in between my parents.Not knocking my Dad(God bless His Soul)but my mother's taste for the finer things in life made her sooooo much more driven and hardworking.Kano today,Jos tommorow,China next week,Austria next month etc.Daddy was more intellectual and kind of did not mind getting by on less.

Newsflash,Daddy is dead, 5 yrs this yr from a medical condition that he PROBABLY could have survived if detected earlier.And my mum is still here.

Why naa? What will even bring about the conversation?If you need something,its there.If you WANT something and we think you deserve you will get it.If not you are not having it.finish.If we cant afford it,we tell you(by Gods grace i pray we will always be able to afford the VITAL things that a child needs to grow up well rounded) sorry thats not a priority for now.